Relationship decision

Jane7939

Hi just looking for some advice or opinions on a man I met online have been chating a few weeks now and all has been great we seem to have alot in common and talk for hours on a daily basis....I knew he had had past relationships breakup like we all have and that he sees his kids this week i decided to google his name no particular reason and was shocked to see he has been to jail for assaulting his previous girlfriend and spent 10 months in prison I asked him and he was upfront and told me he was waiting to meet to tell me we were ment to meet last week but he got scared and stood me up and he pleaded me to forgive him he said the assault thing was blown up by the paper and that his ex and him are friends still I'm sceptical now about meeting him can people really change he says he is a very different person then he was then just not sure what to do

torres9kop

He sounds lovely. Go for it

Purple Mountain

What would you tell your best friend if she told you this situation word for word as you have written.
Be honest with your answer.

Jane7939

I'd probably say proceed with caution....and any sign of something off then walk

Jane7939

Do people not make huge mistakes and learn from them? I'd like to think some maybe do

KaneToad

If he says the assault was "blown up by the paper", he's trying to minimise his actions. You don't go to prison for 10 months for a minor assault.

If he owned up fully and accepted responsibility for previous actions then it might be worthwhile giving him a chance.

He hasn't. Run a mile.

Tork

He didn't get jailed for 10 months for nothing. He's lying to reel you in. That in itself is a red flag. Besides, what that hell are you doing dating someone when it's clearly against the Covid 19 regulations?

Jane7939

He has definitely owned up to it all and said it was a toxic relationship on both ends and this particular night it got out of hand with a knife been used and he apparently cut her arm with it defending himself he said it's the worst mistake of his life and that he has nightmares of the time

Tork

I see. And you believe all of this?

KaneToad

Jane7939 wrote: »

He has definitely owned up to it all and said it was a toxic relationship on both ends and this particular night it got out of hand with a knife been used and he apparently cut her arm with it defending himself he said it's the worst mistake of his life and that he has nightmares of the time

Yet the court found him guilty of assault and he got 10 months. When all he was doing was defending himself. How unlucky. A miscarriage of justice.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Jane7939 wrote: »

Hi just looking for some advice or opinions on a man I met online have been chating a few weeks now and all has been great we seem to have alot in common and talk for hours on a daily basis....I knew he had had past relationships breakup like we all have and that he sees his kids this week i decided to google his name no particular reason and was shocked to see he has been to jail for assaulting his previous girlfriend and spent 10 months in prison I asked him and he was upfront and told me he was waiting to meet to tell me we were ment to meet last week but he got scared and stood me up and he pleaded me to forgive him he said the assault thing was blown up by the paper and that his ex and him are friends still I'm sceptical now about meeting him can people really change he says he is a very different person then he was then just not sure what to do

You do realise to get any sort of custodial sentence that it must have been serious. Read about the usual suspended sentences handed out for these types of attacks.

So it was either a bad assault or he has a number of previous convictions if he actually spent time in prison?

For someone you haven't even met in person I'd be giving it a miss, who needs that drama!

Tork

KaneToad wrote: »

Yet the court found him guilty of assault and he got 10 months. When all he was doing was defending himself. How unlucky. A miscarriage of justice.

I bet the knife slipped too. Poor pet.

Jane7939

KaneToad wrote: »

Yet the court found him guilty of assault and he got 10 months. When all he was doing was defending himself. How unlucky. A miscarriage of justice.

Of course I know theres 2 sides to a story but i dont want to judge someone on a past mistake but then feel oh maybe it's too much of a mistake

KaneToad

Jane7939 wrote: »

Of course I know theres 2 sides to a story but i dont want to judge someone on a past mistake but then feel oh maybe it's too much of a mistake

There was evidence produced in a court of law to prove one side of a story. He assaulted his girlfriend with a knife. His side of the story, presumably, was put forward in court? It had no evidence to back it up. He was found guilty and served 10 months.

I'd be judging him on this 'mistake' and would have nothing to do with him.

Tork

You're obviously looking for people to tell you it's OK to date a man who used a knife on his girlfriend and was jailed. Does he even have a job?

Caranica

I'd run a mile. No way can that kind of stuff wait until you meet in person. It's a personal safety thing, much safer to walk away without meeting than trying to leave after he reveals his past.

Of course there are second chances, but not for domestic violence IMO. It's too risky

Jane7939

Caranica wrote: »

I'd run a mile. No way can that kind of stuff wait until you meet in person. It's a personal safety thing, much safer to walk away without meeting than trying to leave after he reveals his past.

Of course there are second chances, but not for domestic violence IMO. It's too risky

no I do think it's best I walk away I suppose deep down I wanted to hear it

Jane7939

Tork wrote: »

You're obviously looking for people to tell you it's OK to date a man who used a knife on his girlfriend and was jailed. Does he even have a job?

He has move here from the uk just before lockdown started

Tork

I hope you haven't told him where you live or where you work (assuming you have a job)

Jane7939

Tork wrote: »

I hope you haven't told him where you live or where you work (assuming you have a job)

No absolutely not no personal information like that have I gave

Purple Mountain

There's a lot of red flags here..
The fact that you even refer to the word relationship in the title is one.
You haven't even met him in person yet and you're thinking of a relationship.
He (or anyone online) could be posing as anyone else and feeding you a load of horse ****.
If you actually had met him in the flesh, you'd get a better gut feeling about him but as it stands, you have invested so much time in him virtually but actually don't know the first thing about him really.
I've seen a few threads lately where people are striking up strong attachments online during lockdown. It's very tempting, I understand but take everything else out of it, what if you met him tomorrow and thought' oh hell, he's ugly/not my type'?
So you built your expectations up in your head.
Then you find out the bombshell about the prison sentence.
Seriously, would you feel comfortable going to meet a guy who you knew pulled a knife on a woman?
He was defending himself he says? Could he have not put up an arm to stop her, where did the knife come from?
Those are the questions that'd be going around in my head if I was talking to him.
Lastly, he arrived here from another country not long ago. Do you even know why?
Ireland is small. Its easy make enquiries discreetly about a person you meet as new. Everyone knows someone who knows someone so it's quite easy to get unbiased information on someone (whether that's right or wrong). I once went for a job interview and at the end, he offered me the job. He told me he'd already made enquiries about me before the interview (I hadn't provided any references before then, and I've no idea if he asked a previous employer about me or someone he knew in my area).
This guy is new in the country, you'll only hear his side of whatever he tells you, whether it's true or not.
Do you really think all these obstacles are worth jumping over?

Sure, go for it. Just keep rubber cutlery in your gaff. Ikea do a load of that stuff and they will be re-opening soon. Win-win.

qwerty13

It’s not a relationship.

He was NOT upfront about his prison sentence for assaulting his ex. He ‘told you’ about it after you asked about it.

Why was he (and you) prepared to meet someone from a different household. Is that not risky for you, him, and anyone either of you come in contact with?

So it’s ‘the media’s fault’. Right.

And they’re still friends. Riiiigght. As you’ve already googled him, have you googled his ex, and what does she say about it?

You haven’t even met this guy. So many red flags that it’s horrifying. Block every form of contact from him.

He used a KNIFE on her. For gods sake OP.

punisher5112

Sounds like a guy in Wexford that ended up dead by his wife....

Can't see any issues at all.


Op do you really want to find out, anyone a d everyone can be great to chat too until it's too late...

bilbot79

I thought you were gonna say he boxed her but he didn't, he knifed her

F***!

ladystardust

Jane7939 wrote: »

Do people not make huge mistakes and learn from them? I'd like to think some maybe do

Sometimes they do. But be careful OP, spousal assault has high rates of recidivism. For me, history of spousal assault is an instant big old red flag. Especially an assault that landed a prison sentence.

qwerty13

qwerty13 wrote: »

It’s not a relationship.

He was NOT upfront about his prison sentence for assaulting his ex. He ‘told you’ about it after you asked about it.

Why was he (and you) prepared to meet someone from a different household. Is that not risky for you, him, and anyone either of you come in contact with?

So it’s ‘the media’s fault’. Right.

And they’re still friends. Riiiigght. As you’ve already googled him, have you googled his ex, and what does she say about it?

You haven’t even met this guy. So many red flags that it’s horrifying. Block every form of contact from him.

He used a KNIFE on her. For gods sake OP.

I was very harsh - but honest - in my views. But I’m afraid I’m going to do that again. Not to run you down, but your self-esteem must be in the absolute sewer (let alone toilet) that you’d even think about this for more than a second. Get away from him as quickly and as completely as you can. Change your email and phone number if necessary.

hopalongcass

ladystardust wrote: »

Sometimes they do. But be careful OP, spousal assault has high rates of recidivism. For me, history of spousal assault is an instant big old red flag. Especially an assault that landed a prison sentence.

If this is even real, can guarantee this woman dates him. I call it Rihanna syndrome rich goodlooking woman gets the head boxed off her, proceeds to get back with the guy who boxed the head off her, what sad role models young women have these days.

Tokyo

Mod: @nudain - don't post in this thread again. Please familiarise yourself with the forum charter and the standard of posting expected here before contributing to another thread.

ladystardust

hopalongcass wrote: »

If this is even real, can guarantee this woman dates him. I call it Rihanna syndrome rich goodlooking woman gets the head boxed off her, proceeds to get back with the guy who boxed the head off her, what sad role models young women have these days.

Are you really blaming Rihanna for being assaulted? Spousal violence is multi layered and heavily influenced by mental violence against the victim. It is a aell known fact that victims of spousal abuse return to their abuser multiple times before (if ever) leaving successfully. It is easy to blame the victim when you hear this, but it's such a complex dynamic.

hopalongcass

ladystardust wrote: »

Are you really blaming Rihanna for being assaulted? Spousal violence is multi layered and heavily influenced by mental violence against the victim. It is a aell known fact that victims of spousal abuse return to their abuser multiple times before (if ever) leaving successfully. It is easy to blame the victim when you hear this, but it's such a complex dynamic.

Dunno where you picked up that I blamed Rihanna for the assault,I blame Chris Brown all day long for the assault,but she's a rich suçcessful woman who is a role model.And if she goes back to her abuser what chance does most young women who look to her as a successful woman have.I blame her for being a poor role model I blame the hip hop community for pushing a proven abuser back into the limelight, he should have been shunned into obscurity for what he done.

Neyite

If you hadn't googled him, you wouldn't have known about it. He was not going to tell you.
Unless you have heard from his ex directly, him saying they are friends is absolute nonsense. It was not a mutually 'toxic relationship'. And even if it was, HE. USED. A. KNIFE.

Nobody goes from non-violent to being convicted of using a knife in domestic assault and serving 10 months in prison for it. There will have been numerous previous smaller assaults leading up to this.
He spent 10 months in prison. What was his actual sentence before he got reductions for good behaviour etc?


If you continue with this relationship despite knowing all of the above, it's on you. If you don't, then I'm glad you've seen sense but you really need counselling to find out why you actually thought that he was still someone worth having a relationship with after finding out all of this.

bitofabind

Jane7939 wrote: »

Of course I know theres 2 sides to a story but i dont want to judge someone on a past mistake but then feel oh maybe it's too much of a mistake

OP in fairness you need to wake the hell up. There's a "mistake" and then there's physically assaulting a woman and being jailed for it, which means a court of law agreed that he is a danger to society. WAKE UP.

He is a scumbag. A criminal, dangerous, lying scumbag. Do you have a habit of being attracted to low-life men like this? I ask because no-one with a healthy mind would find this out about someone and still be "not sure" about them or consider them eligible for a relationship. Do you have a pattern of being attracted to very abusive partners who have no sense of integrity or morality? What have previous partners been like?

osarusan

Jane7939 wrote: »

Of course I know theres 2 sides to a story

He is telling you his side of the story and you are already getting concerned.

Imagine if you heard the other side of the story.

Conor Bourke

How is he seeing his kids, if he’s just moved here from UK presumably they’re back there and if he goes back to see them he’s supposed to self-isolate for a fortnight?

Tork

I wondered about that. Maybe he's Irish and the kids live here?

As for self-isolating and obeying the rules for social distancing, the pair of them aren't paying any attention to them.

bottlebrush

Not alone has he a criminal history but you say you were meant to meet last week and he stood you up. Even that on its own is a red flag. Do you know if he is even available to be in a relationship.
Run a mile

Porklife

I seriously hope this thread isn't real. I echo what everyone else has advised OP and you should run a mile. You don't go from a loving relationship to pulling a knife on someone overnight. Why did he even have a knife?

On the social distancing side of things, alot of my single friends are still going on dates but are adhering to the rules. They go for walks along the canal and have a beer 2 metres apart or go to the park but sit apart from each other, use hand sanitizer and are not breaking any rules. There is no kissing or hooking up but it's a nice way to start to get to know each other.

Purple Mountain

Tork wrote: »

I wondered about that. Maybe he's Irish and the kids live here?

As for self-isolating and obeying the rules for social distancing, the pair of them aren't paying any attention to them.

Where does it say he had children?

Meauldsegosha

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Where does it say he had children?

It’s in the first post that he is seeing his kids this week.

bottlebrush

Jane7939 wrote: »

I'd probably say proceed with caution....and any sign of something off then walk

This is your own advice to yourself. You have already seen signs of something off or else you wouldnt be posting here looking for advice. His behaviour so far doesn't suggest that he had changed his ways but do you want to take the risk of finding out he hasn't. You first argument perhaps and he could produce a knife?

Sunrise_Sunset

Run very fast in the other direction. Statistics prove it is very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Don't get involved with this man, you will undoubtedly end up as one of these statistics.

redfox123

The only way men like this sometimes change is years of therapy, and even then they reoffend. He has not even done this and has effectively downplayed his behaviour to you which is a sign he still hasn’t taken full responsibility, therefore will almost definitely repeat abusive behaviour as soon as something triggers him in any way. Not at the start of course, but just takes a little time for the mask to come off.
And then it’ll be you ‘making him angry’ that was the cause of the violence, not his fault.
You’d want to look at why you’re so desperate for a relationship you’re even considering this person.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Jane7939 wrote: »

Do people not make huge mistakes and learn from them? I'd like to think some maybe do

Do you realise that domestic violence victims tell themselves this on more than one occasion?

He'll change, I provoked him, it was a once off, he's sorry, he loves me, I've nowhere else to go, he didn't mean it, things will get better if I just do x, y, z.

It's as much a psychological issue as it is a physical violence one.

Victims do this for years and years going around in circles and walking on eggshells.

Women who stay in a violent relationships don't do it because they are stupid (as some people believe) "why don't they just leave", if only it were that simple, it's so complex in what it does to the mind that I couldn't even begin to explain it here.

Don't invite this baggage into your life, you'll always be waiting for something to happen from the get go and when it does you won't even be surprised.

Normally violent men don't come with a label attached saying 'I abuse women' but you have fair warning this time.

You deserve better, cut it off now before it's too late and consumes years of your life.

And when I use genders above I know that roles can be reversed and men can be victims and women perpetrators too.

cj maxx

You don't get 10 month's for nothing. A knife ffs
Stay clear. The sob story he's telling you would have been trotted out in court and they obviously dismissed it as bs

cannotlogin

I'm sorry but are you insane?!

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

It's very difficult to get charged and convicted of assault/possibly attempted murder, if you do nothing wrong.

You don't know him so it should be easy to walk away. It would be madness not to. Risks are too high here.

leggo

What situation, no matter how toxic a relationship is, requires a man to defend himself from his partner with a knife?! And that’s the edited version told to someone before the first date!

“Oh I was just meaning to address that uncomfortable issue that’s a huge deal we haven’t spoken about yet...” Another huge red flag.

10 months in prison for domestic assault, a crime that most people don’t do time for, this has been covered.

Like it’s open and shut, I don’t need to keep listing holes in the tiny bit of story that you’ve given us, you should not date this person. So why the hell are you?? Are you THAT lonely and in need of a connection you’d walk right into a dangerous situation? Are you inexperienced in dating and unaware that people can seem charming, say all the right things and turn out completely differently in person? Or have you a twisted idea of relationships in that drama is an essential part, like people who thinks ‘ups and downs’ are crucial to the point they’ll almost actively seek out people they’ll have plenty of downs with? Have you no consideration for your own safety and wellbeing and will completely discard all self-preservation instincts because you got hit a bit of charm from a person you haven’t met?

Which is it OP? Because it’s mental to even ask this question.

Standing you up is pretty bad red flag, never mind the rest of it

ILoveYourVibes

Jane7939 wrote: »

I'd probably say proceed with caution....and any sign of something off then walk

This would be terrible advice.


Please I wish women would stop choosing men like this. He assaulted a previous gf.

Please close the door on him.

wakka12

I would like to hear about the other amazing qualities this man must possesses that would counteract the horrifying number of red flags raised and make a relationship with him look even remotely sensible or attractive

OP I don't get how you could be that stuck. I don't even know you and I know you can do better than 1)Abusive 2)criminal 3) violent 4)liar 5)stands you up and that's just what you know before you even met him. It seems crazy even typing out this stuff, I genuinely hope youre not seriously considering meeting him. How would you feel if your sister was meeting a man from tinder and she described him as you have this man? You would be scared for her safety of course.

Dog day

OP, the fact that you would even consider meeting this man is hugely concerning & you should be asking yourself why you’d even contemplate it for a second.

Given the overwhelming majority of responses here I would hope that you’ve now decided not to.

Now you should concentrate on being truly honest with yourself as to why you even posed the question here. Be it lack of self esteem, love of drama, attention seeking etc. There can be no positive reason as to why you’d even consider it.

Forget this person & look at yourself.