Relationship decision

Neyite

If you hadn't googled him, you wouldn't have known about it. He was not going to tell you.
Unless you have heard from his ex directly, him saying they are friends is absolute nonsense. It was not a mutually 'toxic relationship'. And even if it was, HE. USED. A. KNIFE.

Nobody goes from non-violent to being convicted of using a knife in domestic assault and serving 10 months in prison for it. There will have been numerous previous smaller assaults leading up to this.
He spent 10 months in prison. What was his actual sentence before he got reductions for good behaviour etc?


If you continue with this relationship despite knowing all of the above, it's on you. If you don't, then I'm glad you've seen sense but you really need counselling to find out why you actually thought that he was still someone worth having a relationship with after finding out all of this.

bitofabind

Jane7939 wrote: »

Of course I know theres 2 sides to a story but i dont want to judge someone on a past mistake but then feel oh maybe it's too much of a mistake

OP in fairness you need to wake the hell up. There's a "mistake" and then there's physically assaulting a woman and being jailed for it, which means a court of law agreed that he is a danger to society. WAKE UP.

He is a scumbag. A criminal, dangerous, lying scumbag. Do you have a habit of being attracted to low-life men like this? I ask because no-one with a healthy mind would find this out about someone and still be "not sure" about them or consider them eligible for a relationship. Do you have a pattern of being attracted to very abusive partners who have no sense of integrity or morality? What have previous partners been like?

osarusan

Jane7939 wrote: »

Of course I know theres 2 sides to a story

He is telling you his side of the story and you are already getting concerned.

Imagine if you heard the other side of the story.

Conor Bourke

How is he seeing his kids, if he’s just moved here from UK presumably they’re back there and if he goes back to see them he’s supposed to self-isolate for a fortnight?

Tork

I wondered about that. Maybe he's Irish and the kids live here?

As for self-isolating and obeying the rules for social distancing, the pair of them aren't paying any attention to them.

bottlebrush

Not alone has he a criminal history but you say you were meant to meet last week and he stood you up. Even that on its own is a red flag. Do you know if he is even available to be in a relationship.
Run a mile

Porklife

I seriously hope this thread isn't real. I echo what everyone else has advised OP and you should run a mile. You don't go from a loving relationship to pulling a knife on someone overnight. Why did he even have a knife?

On the social distancing side of things, alot of my single friends are still going on dates but are adhering to the rules. They go for walks along the canal and have a beer 2 metres apart or go to the park but sit apart from each other, use hand sanitizer and are not breaking any rules. There is no kissing or hooking up but it's a nice way to start to get to know each other.

Purple Mountain

Tork wrote: »

I wondered about that. Maybe he's Irish and the kids live here?

As for self-isolating and obeying the rules for social distancing, the pair of them aren't paying any attention to them.

Where does it say he had children?

Meauldsegosha

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Where does it say he had children?

It’s in the first post that he is seeing his kids this week.

bottlebrush

Jane7939 wrote: »

I'd probably say proceed with caution....and any sign of something off then walk

This is your own advice to yourself. You have already seen signs of something off or else you wouldnt be posting here looking for advice. His behaviour so far doesn't suggest that he had changed his ways but do you want to take the risk of finding out he hasn't. You first argument perhaps and he could produce a knife?

Sunrise_Sunset

Run very fast in the other direction. Statistics prove it is very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Don't get involved with this man, you will undoubtedly end up as one of these statistics.

redfox123

The only way men like this sometimes change is years of therapy, and even then they reoffend. He has not even done this and has effectively downplayed his behaviour to you which is a sign he still hasn’t taken full responsibility, therefore will almost definitely repeat abusive behaviour as soon as something triggers him in any way. Not at the start of course, but just takes a little time for the mask to come off.
And then it’ll be you ‘making him angry’ that was the cause of the violence, not his fault.
You’d want to look at why you’re so desperate for a relationship you’re even considering this person.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Jane7939 wrote: »

Do people not make huge mistakes and learn from them? I'd like to think some maybe do

Do you realise that domestic violence victims tell themselves this on more than one occasion?

He'll change, I provoked him, it was a once off, he's sorry, he loves me, I've nowhere else to go, he didn't mean it, things will get better if I just do x, y, z.

It's as much a psychological issue as it is a physical violence one.

Victims do this for years and years going around in circles and walking on eggshells.

Women who stay in a violent relationships don't do it because they are stupid (as some people believe) "why don't they just leave", if only it were that simple, it's so complex in what it does to the mind that I couldn't even begin to explain it here.

Don't invite this baggage into your life, you'll always be waiting for something to happen from the get go and when it does you won't even be surprised.

Normally violent men don't come with a label attached saying 'I abuse women' but you have fair warning this time.

You deserve better, cut it off now before it's too late and consumes years of your life.

And when I use genders above I know that roles can be reversed and men can be victims and women perpetrators too.

cj maxx

You don't get 10 month's for nothing. A knife ffs
Stay clear. The sob story he's telling you would have been trotted out in court and they obviously dismissed it as bs

cannotlogin

I'm sorry but are you insane?!

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

It's very difficult to get charged and convicted of assault/possibly attempted murder, if you do nothing wrong.

You don't know him so it should be easy to walk away. It would be madness not to. Risks are too high here.

leggo

What situation, no matter how toxic a relationship is, requires a man to defend himself from his partner with a knife?! And that’s the edited version told to someone before the first date!

“Oh I was just meaning to address that uncomfortable issue that’s a huge deal we haven’t spoken about yet...” Another huge red flag.

10 months in prison for domestic assault, a crime that most people don’t do time for, this has been covered.

Like it’s open and shut, I don’t need to keep listing holes in the tiny bit of story that you’ve given us, you should not date this person. So why the hell are you?? Are you THAT lonely and in need of a connection you’d walk right into a dangerous situation? Are you inexperienced in dating and unaware that people can seem charming, say all the right things and turn out completely differently in person? Or have you a twisted idea of relationships in that drama is an essential part, like people who thinks ‘ups and downs’ are crucial to the point they’ll almost actively seek out people they’ll have plenty of downs with? Have you no consideration for your own safety and wellbeing and will completely discard all self-preservation instincts because you got hit a bit of charm from a person you haven’t met?

Which is it OP? Because it’s mental to even ask this question.

Standing you up is pretty bad red flag, never mind the rest of it

ILoveYourVibes

Jane7939 wrote: »

I'd probably say proceed with caution....and any sign of something off then walk

This would be terrible advice.


Please I wish women would stop choosing men like this. He assaulted a previous gf.

Please close the door on him.

wakka12

I would like to hear about the other amazing qualities this man must possesses that would counteract the horrifying number of red flags raised and make a relationship with him look even remotely sensible or attractive

OP I don't get how you could be that stuck. I don't even know you and I know you can do better than 1)Abusive 2)criminal 3) violent 4)liar 5)stands you up and that's just what you know before you even met him. It seems crazy even typing out this stuff, I genuinely hope youre not seriously considering meeting him. How would you feel if your sister was meeting a man from tinder and she described him as you have this man? You would be scared for her safety of course.

Dog day

OP, the fact that you would even consider meeting this man is hugely concerning & you should be asking yourself why you’d even contemplate it for a second.

Given the overwhelming majority of responses here I would hope that you’ve now decided not to.

Now you should concentrate on being truly honest with yourself as to why you even posed the question here. Be it lack of self esteem, love of drama, attention seeking etc. There can be no positive reason as to why you’d even consider it.

Forget this person & look at yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

Jane7939 wrote: »

he said the assault thing was blown up by the paper

"the assault thing"?

Do you know how many rapists and perpetrators of domestic violence never even get so much as a slap on the wrist? Even when cases get to court conviction rates are low.

This man was found guilty and sentenced to jail time. That doesn't happen to a couple who are just having a few heated words.

You have obviously fallen for the version of him he has put forward to you. But the reality is you know nothing about him. You've never met him. There's a chance he's not even in the country!

Are you really that hard up that this is what you're resorting to?

Yes, some people make mistakes and deserve a chance. I would hazard a guess that his ex gave him chance after chance after chance after each assault, until he finally ended up in jail for an assault that involved him stabbing her.

I don't think you are going to listen to any advice here. But you might want to think about why you are setting your bar so low.

QueenRizla

OP, read the book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, it is written by a guy who has spent many years as a therapist to abusive guys, google the pdf.
His minimising his actions is classic behaviour. Please do not give him any indication of where you live or work, if you have you might be better off changing your number, email and visiting the guards. I am serious, read that book to get a glimpse of the mind of someone like that and understanding if they have changed. The fact he is saying it was self defence and exaggerated by the media is tip of the iceberg, he is actually very angry at his ex, media and court system and will act out on that anger with the next person he is with. He hasn’t changed.

And stop referring to it as ‘a past mistake’, no one violently beats up a woman once by mistake. He got caught at least once, it’s who he is.

The One Doctor

Run, op. He'll do the same to you.

Kidchameleon

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Are you really that hard up that this is what you're resorting to?

This was my thought too. I don't mean to be bad here OP but are you lacking in self confidence leading to you pursuing a man like this? Maybe you need to take a look at yourself here and realize that you are much better than this crap & don't need to be getting involved with a violent man. I think you should run for the hills, work on yourself for a little bit & get back some self value and respect. When your ready, go back to the dating market and do not settle for second best.

KaneToad

osarusan wrote: »

He is telling you his side of the story and you are already getting concerned.

Imagine if you heard the other side of the story.

The court heard all sides of the story. They found him guilty and jailed him for 10 months.

Lu La

Really hope you took all the above advice OP.

I've been punched, slapped, spat on and nevermind the brutal emotional attacks and I feel like I've thrown my life away being someone's punchbag. Once you get into a relationship like that getting out of it is harder than I can even describe.

You do not want this life. He will hurt you I can promise that.

Run and live peaceful life