What's the etiquette here??

Hotblack Desiato · 01-05-2020 2:24am

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Door..closed and secured......belt off....jox....down.....hoop....in the position !

Held her on the clutch...like a Ferrari at the lights.

Careful, nobody wants to end up like Michael Schumacher at the 1991 Belgian Grand Prix.

Performing excellently in qualifying, then burning out the clutch before the first corner, as it were. All show and no go.

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Obviously, I’m looking at opening the “smelly roll” first, really not looking forward to the accidental fingering when that 1 ply stuff “splits”. Bound to happen a few times.

I normally use 4-ply but still would double or triple it up. Does anyone actually trust a single thickness of bog roll? :eek:

Even doubling it up carries risks - if you fold it too precisely the perforations line up and the more liquid arse-coatings seep through. Stagger the perforations!

Anyway, what I’m asking is, does anyone have any experience with “scented” toilet roll. Are there any dangers of allergic reaction? Irritation? Hoop discolouration? Odd, lingering, chemical smell? Malingering dangle-berries? Reoccurring “red eye”? Anal seepage? General weakening of ring piece integrity? Rectal itch?

20 years ago when I was living in a house share, one of the lads insisted that the kitty for bog roll (among other things) only bought white toilet paper, the pink or other coloured stuff didn't agree with his hole.
Guy was a prick anyway so we figured that reducing his irritability was a small price to pay, not that any of us had an attachment to coloured bog roll.

I'm tempted to launch my own designer bog roll range, in various shades of brown, plus that greenish one you get when you've been shyting for Ireland and little else but bile is left.

Hotblack Desiato · 01-05-2020 2:25am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

I’d dab a wodge of ‘ RingDamp’ on a hoop like that must be,Gerard, kinda rapido.

I posted here before about the Australian Lidocaine insect bite stuff.

The most amazing hoop ointment known to man.

Somewhat habit-forming though, and probably illegal here.

I wept when my last tube ran out.

fuerte1976 · 01-05-2020 8:31am

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

I posted here before about the Australian Lidocaine insect bite stuff.

The most amazing hoop ointment known to man.

Somewhat habit-forming though, and probably illegal here.

I wept when my last tube ran out.

I myself had a dose of ire at the backdoor last week and was advised by 'a friend ' to dollop it with tabasco sauce.
Bit strange at first he says, but it comes good then..
Needless to say, I didn't try it.

sligojoek · 01-05-2020 10:53am

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

I posted here before about the Australian Lidocaine insect bite stuff.

The most amazing hoop ointment known to man.

Somewhat habit-forming though, and probably illegal here.

I wept when my last tube ran out.

HD, you should try the "Versatis" patches. They contain Lidocaine. Joe Duffy has been campaigning (without success) to get them back on the medical card. Apparently people were getting them from the doc and flogging them in the pubs

Hotblack Desiato · 01-05-2020 2:29pm

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

Delivered a thick, medium-dry rope of tawny pork sausage dotted with purple coloured sand on the stroke of midnight.

That reminds me. Must put a few cans of Guinness in the fridge for later.

gerrybbadd · 01-05-2020 2:37pm

Partook of a "Goodfellas" cheese pizza last night, sexed it up somewhat with honey roast ham and freshly chopped mushroom. Twas like eating a load of bread.

When duty called this morning, I was unprepared for the aftermath. I'm remote working in the spare room, with en suite, so could easily slip in to unleash some form of fresh hell, while opening the side window.

Good lord - the fent. I've never experienced anything like it. Does anyone remember those horrible "Parma Violet" sweets from Swizzle's back in the day? It's like those. Except if they were covered in shít. I have no idea how this could have happened

JohnnyFlash · 01-05-2020 7:28pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Partook of a "Goodfellas" cheese pizza last night, sexed it up somewhat with honey roast ham and freshly chopped mushroom. Twas like eating a load of bread.

When duty called this morning, I was unprepared for the aftermath. I'm remote working in the spare room, with en suite, so could easily slip in to unleash some form of fresh hell, while opening the side window.

Good lord - the fent. I've never experienced anything like it. Does anyone remember those horrible "Parma Violet" sweets from Swizzle's back in the day? It's like those. Except if they were covered in shít. I have no idea how this could have happened

Doesn’t sound great, Gerry.

Had 12 volcano chicken wings and a bellybuster pizza for the dinner, and have just cracked open my first fan of stout. Have 11 more of them in the fridge.

I’ll issue an update on the farting situation circa 11am tomorrow morning, but I’m not expecting the news to be good.

tgdaly · 02-05-2020 11:02am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Doesn’t sound great, Gerry.

Had 12 volcano chicken wings and a bellybuster pizza for the dinner, and have just cracked open my first fan of stout. Have 11 more of them in the fridge.

I’ll issue an update on the farting situation circa 11am tomorrow morning, but I’m not expecting the news to be good.

Updates JF? Hope you're hanging in there

JohnnyFlash · 02-05-2020 12:58pm

tgdaly wrote: »

Updates JF? Hope you're hanging in there

Thanks for your concern, TJ.

Not good news I’m afraid. You could pin a medal on them, and the fücking bang off them would strip paint from a trawler.

Have a head on me like a stewed turnip as well.

Lewis_Benson · 02-05-2020 1:26pm

Havnt been eating great this week.
The discharge is like something youd see coming from a blocked sewer.

The auld hoop feels like it's been violated.

Brendan Bendar · 02-05-2020 2:10pm

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Havnt been eating great this week.
The discharge is like something youd see coming from a blocked sewer.

The auld hoop feels like it's been violated.

Do the decent thing pal, advise the lads in the shït farm.

Skeleton staff there, I hear.

Bullocks · 03-05-2020 11:18am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Do the decent thing pal, advise the lads in the shït farm.

Skeleton staff there, I hear.

Don't be worrying about the boys on the **** farm B. There's nothing they haven't smelt or seen that would bother them by now.
There's feck all problems that they can't sort with a stir from a fork and a blast from a jetter.
Johnny's little bundle of chicken and porter wouldn't even raise an eyebrow when it floats on by reception

Brendan Bendar · 03-05-2020 12:14pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Don't be worrying about the boys on the **** farm B. There's nothing they haven't smelt or seen that would bother them by now.
There's feck all problems that they can't sort with a stir from a fork and a blast from a jetter.
Johnny's little bundle of chicken and porter wouldn't even raise an eyebrow when it floats on by reception

Great to hear that...puts my mind at rest.

Did think that John’s load might cause trouble,so I did.

Word is that she is a fairly solid bulky unit.

JohnnyFlash · 03-05-2020 12:58pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Great to hear that...puts my mind at rest.

Did think that John’s load might cause trouble,so I did.

Word is that she is a fairly solid bulky unit.

A substantial blivit for sure, Brendan. Don’t want to go into too much detail as this is a family friendly site, but suffice to say a dozen wings covered in Hellfire hot sauce followed by a dozen cans of porter isn’t great for the hoop. Extreme ring sting situation. Had to sacrifice a bag of frozen peas to bring some level of comfort to the area.

Not good.

padd b1975 · 03-05-2020 6:00pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

A substantial blivit for sure, Brendan. Don’t want to go into too much detail as this is a family friendly site, but suffice to say a dozen wings covered in Hellfire hot sauce followed by a dozen cans of porter isn’t great for the hoop. Extreme ring sting situation. Had to sacrifice a bag of frozen peas to bring some level of comfort to the area.

Not good.

Flatten the bag of veg and balance carefully on it's edge.

Broaden the cheeks with both hands and lower slowly onto the medication.
Allow cheeks to return to normal slowly around the remedy.

Settle in for the duration with a good book.

Flavour Diaper · 04-05-2020 11:07pm

A bit of an update on this bank holiday weekend:

1. A reputable individual (who holds a minor administrative position on this site) has informed me that one of the regular contributors to this thread is a member of An Garda Síochána. Just something to think about before posting sensitive information.

2. Excrement has become sticky and glutinous. Small patches stick to the bowl and need to be smeared free with tissue paper before being washed clean with a second flush. No streaks, just sticky blotches like steamed fruit.

3. Had incident in work similar in nature to aforementioned scenario by another contributor several months ago. Was sitting on pot having dropped several pounds of dark steaming midden when automatic lights went out leaving me in total darkness. Reaching for roll left me in state of existential horror as dispenser was empty. Had to cross all the way back through office, a five or six minute journey, past colleagues and enemies, with what felt like an open kebab between my arse cheeks and a pint of sand tossed up inside my chute to go to the other bathroom.

4. I'm reminded of an old friend I've known since childhood. This individual has never held down a job and would be of the nerdy variety. I believe he still collects transformers etc. I say this not to judge, but rather to give a fuller picture. One day many years ago we started to discuss women and what sexual peculiarities we may enjoy, and what we have encountered etc. etc., when he started to tell me about his own rather niche interest, that same evening showing me a few jpegs and videos on a subscriber only site, which related to women, wiping at the wrong hole with tissues smeared in a little excrement. I'll say no more, but the general vibe was one of carelessness, one minute she is wiping her bum, next she has gone in again forgetting to reload with clean paper and swiped across the wrong runway, you get the picture.

NeinNeinNein · 05-05-2020 3:40pm

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

...one of the regular contributors to this thread is a member of An Garda Síochána. Just something to think about before posting sensitive information.

The day it becomes illegal to have a sh1te and then post about it is the day we know that the Great Lockdown of 2020 has gone too far.

Who's the fed by the way?

armaghlad · 05-05-2020 3:51pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Who's the fed by the way?

We could read back through some of the posts to see if we can narrow it down. I’d imagine it’s someone of culchie stock with a terrible diet and bad manners to match. A general air of unpleasantness and an almost belligerent attitude to hygiene. I’d say any posts that confess to sharting would be a good place to start.

EmmetSpiceland · 05-05-2020 8:53pm

Flavour Diaper wrote: »

A bit of an update on this bank holiday weekend:

2. Excrement has become sticky and glutinous. Small patches stick to the bowl and need to be smeared free with tissue paper before being washed clean with a second flush. No streaks, just sticky blotches like steamed fruit.

Really don’t like “poached”, or cooked, fruit. Just does not agree with me.

I remember being in a household that served up some stuffed, rolled, pork for dinner but in the “stuffing” were large chunks of, what I presumed were, tinned peaches.

The eating was fine but within the hour I was “besieged” by some very sharp cramps coupled with loud, smelly, hot farts.

I had to “goose step” to the jacks, tout de suite, if you will, and what came out was, pretty much, just liquid, loud hot smelly gas and chunks of peach. Honestly, looked like they hadn’t even been masticated.

Very unpleasant and thoroughly unenjoyable. Offensive to a number of senses. I left vowing never to return but, of course, I did. Although, I refused the “food” on offer, that time. Not unless it was coming out of a packet.

Thanks for the update, F. Always good to hear how others are getting on during these “trying” times. I, personally, am finding that the “loads” are tending to be fairly hefty deposits but the consistency is, mostly, soft so not much hassle to expel.

However, the “acidity” seems be on the 1 to 3 area of the PH scale. Feeling a lot of heat around the badge but, particularly, right up inside the left cheek is getting, painfully, irritated.

Still, we “soldier“ on, all of us doing our part to take the fight to this damned virus.

JohnnyFlash · 05-05-2020 8:59pm

armaghlad wrote: »

We could read back through some of the posts to see if we can narrow it down. I’d imagine it’s someone of culchie stock with a terrible diet and bad manners to match. A general air of unpleasantness and an almost belligerent attitude to hygiene. I’d say any posts that confess to sharting would be a good place to start.

Listen, pal, I’m not a Fed. Never sharted myself either, even though there’s been a few very close calls.

armaghlad · 05-05-2020 9:04pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Listen, pal, I’m not a Fed. Never sharted myself either, even though there’s been a few very close calls.

I’d say my post hasn’t exactly narrowed it down much..

EmmetSpiceland · 06-05-2020 12:21am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Listen, pal, I’m not a Fed. Never sharted myself either, even though there’s been a few very close calls.

No offence, J, but that’s a lie. And we both know it.

You don’t have a “close call” with a shart. You either shart or you don’t. Most, normal, people have “followed through” at some time, or another. Saint and sinner alike.

The last time, that I can recollect, it “happened” to me was in Brogan’s pub on Dame St. I was there early, chatting with Ben, the owner, he’d stood me a pint as the last time I’d seen him was playing a game of soccer, in which he nearly broke my leg.

Anyway, out of nowhere, I feel the small rumblings of a fairly standard fart. Let it out, no bother. Normally, anyway, but not this time. My body went rigid and off I ran to to the toilets, with my arse cheeks “clamped” together like a vice, to survey the “damage”.

Thankfully, it hadn’t “soiled” the boxers. The clean up was bad, smearing, and removing, “scree” all tangled up in the hair. Took well over 25 minutes. I’d fired out a thick, scuttery, shíte while I was in there. Like a safety release.

By the time I was out my friends had arrived and I had boxers lined with bog roll and the “primary defence” of a number of sheets guarding both the hole and the inner cheeks for the rest of the evening.

Nobody suspected a thing. It was my “dirty” little secret.

NeinNeinNein · 06-05-2020 12:48am

You sure that pint wasn't spiked Em?

EmmetSpiceland · 06-05-2020 12:18pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

You sure that pint wasn't spiked Em?

Thought hadn’t crossed my mind, N, but you could never be too sure.

Wouldn’t have been hard for a jealous “rival”, of which I’ve had a few, to have slipped a few drops of “eye drops”, containing tetrahydrozoline, into my pint, leading to the, very sudden, gas attack and the following scuttery dump.

We’ll never know for sure but I’m just glad that I got “away with it” and didn’t have to stash the jocks in Old Ben’s cistern.

Hotblack Desiato · 06-05-2020 1:12pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

When duty called this morning, I was unprepared for the aftermath. I'm remote working in the spare room, with en suite, so could easily slip in to unleash some form of fresh hell, while opening the side window.

Bad move

Handy for a piss, but you don't want to be dropping the bomb right next to where you'll be working all day. Maybe lunch at the desk too, with the aroma of Chateau Gerrybbadd 2020 filling your nostrils...? Nah. Drop it in the downstairs jacks and let the little SOBs who should be in school appreciate the fact that you are also at home all day.

Hotblack Desiato · 06-05-2020 1:12pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Who's the fed by the way?

Could be somebody with an emergency number for a username. Wild guess.

JohnnyFlash · 06-05-2020 1:21pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Could be somebody with an emergency number for a username. Wild guess.

You can’t dust a bolus for fingerprints.

NeinNeinNein · 06-05-2020 1:21pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Could be somebody with an emergency number for a username. Wild guess.

Fair comment but I am far too law abiding to be a copper.

06-05-2020 3:43pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You can’t dust a bolus for fingerprints.

I wouldn't be surprised if there is "rifling" or something that could be traced like what you see on CSI.

JohnnyFlash · 06-05-2020 4:38pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I wouldn't be surprised if there is "rifling" or something that could be traced like what you see on CSI.

You can get a DNA sample from a butt baton. It’s how they eventually caught the Constipated Strangler.

What's the etiquette here??

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