The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

While we're on the subject...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers until he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes,. He was still moving so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. With all the stress I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this fridge comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"You won't believe me" says the third man, "but I was hiding naked inside a fridge..."

I haven't had a girlfriend in years, so I thought I'd go out and find one.

The wife went ****ing mental.

My wife said, "Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket?"

I said, "Yes. It's because you were being a nosey bitch!"

My wife's not speaking to me again.
On my passport application I filled in the Marital Status field as

"Unhappy."

jaxxx wrote: »

Q: What's the difference between French kissing and Australian kissing?


A: Down under :pac:

Whats the difference between French kissing and Belgian kissing?

Belgian kissing is a bit more Flemish

I've just bought some coconut shampoo. Now the hair on my coconuts just glistens.

The guy at the restaurant last night was refusing to park our cars unless they were electric or hybrid.
How green was my valet!

Sad news this evening.

The European simile champion has died.
We shall not see his like again.

When to a charity disco for Ladies born with no legs.
The place was crawling with fanny.