Bereaved around Christmas time is not easy is it?

Lollipops23 · 03-12-2019 10:33AM

We lost my grandad years ago in late November. He is always missed at Christmas, as he LIVED for it.

If it's any solace, I think most of our lost loved ones would hate it if them not being there ruined it for us. I know my granded would give us all a thick ear if he thought we couldn't enjoy it as much anymore.

w/s/p/c/ · 03-12-2019 11:19AM

Lost my mam 4 months ago. Was sudden. Trying my best to look forward to Christmas but finding it really really hard. There is a good bereavement forum on here, reading and posting some stuff in there has helped. Been through it before with my father, but he passed away in a hospice so we could prepare for that, nothing could prepare the family for this. Just looking forward for 2019 to be done and dusted. :-(

Bigmac1euro · 03-12-2019 11:24AM

First year after losing someone close we spent Christmas abroad. It helped a lot. Worth it if you can get a break away. We landed home Stephens day and continued festivities with friends.

Wayne Jarvis · 13-12-2019 10:36PM

In the past week I have lost my best friend through suicide. We talked every single day for the last 5 years at least, we seriously never even missed one day in that time. Texts, phonecalls, skype etc.. She was the only person I ever really opened up to about stuff, I'm not good at doing that so I would always turn to her when I was down and she would be the same with me. To say this has affected me badly would be a huge understatement. I am completely devastated and heartbroken over it. I don't think I'll ever recover fully from it. I'm hoping that by typing this out and posting it it will get some stuff out of my head and help me get some sleep tonight.

I couldn't give a flying fúck about Christmas this year and would love to skip the whole damn thing and I may very well do just that.

retro:electro · 13-12-2019 10:41PM

God love you Guy Person, that is so sad and so so hard. RIP to your lovely friend and I hope you manage to get some sleep. Please be kind to yourself. It’s a huge shock to the system.

Go Home Paddy Cat!! · 15-12-2019 10:31AM

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

The empty chair is now two empty chairs since lovely Dad passed a few years ago now. But onwards and upwards.

I suppose it is the cycle of life, but it's hard when they loved us and we loved them so much too.

My sympathies with others going through this.

Man, it's not often I'd be brought close to tears, but damn...

Be right back · 15-12-2019 10:52AM

Guy Person, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. What a terrible loss for all who loved her. May she rest in peace.

Graces7 · 15-12-2019 03:02PM

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

People should spend Christmas how they wish. If you shut out advertising as much as possible, you’ll find that a lot of the pressures of the season go away.

amen to that as I know out here

Graces7 · 15-12-2019 03:19PM

Guy Person wrote: »

In the past week I have lost my best friend through suicide. We talked every single day for the last 5 years at least, we seriously never even missed one day in that time. Texts, phonecalls, skype etc.. She was the only person I ever really opened up to about stuff, I'm not good at doing that so I would always turn to her when I was down and she would be the same with me. To say this has affected me badly would be a huge understatement. I am completely devastated and heartbroken over it. I don't think I'll ever recover fully from it. I'm hoping that by typing this out and posting it it will get some stuff out of my head and help me get some sleep tonight.

I couldn't give a flying fúck about Christmas this year and would love to skip the whole damn thing and I may very well do just that.

Do what is right for you. Maybe find a quiet place to go to. Away from all the hype. As I have done for different reasons. It does help. Prayers here which I believe in

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts · 15-12-2019 05:49PM

Guy Person wrote: »

In the past week I have lost my best friend through suicide. We talked every single day for the last 5 years at least, we seriously never even missed one day in that time. Texts, phonecalls, skype etc.. She was the only person I ever really opened up to about stuff, I'm not good at doing that so I would always turn to her when I was down and she would be the same with me. To say this has affected me badly would be a huge understatement. I am completely devastated and heartbroken over it. I don't think I'll ever recover fully from it. I'm hoping that by typing this out and posting it it will get some stuff out of my head and help me get some sleep tonight.

I couldn't give a flying fúck about Christmas this year and would love to skip the whole damn thing and I may very well do just that.

I am so sorry. Suicide never gets less shocking.

Wayne Jarvis · 17-12-2019 10:28AM

Guy Person wrote: »

In the past week I have lost my best friend through suicide. We talked every single day for the last 5 years at least, we seriously never even missed one day in that time. Texts, phonecalls, skype etc.. She was the only person I ever really opened up to about stuff, I'm not good at doing that so I would always turn to her when I was down and she would be the same with me. To say this has affected me badly would be a huge understatement. I am completely devastated and heartbroken over it. I don't think I'll ever recover fully from it. I'm hoping that by typing this out and posting it it will get some stuff out of my head and help me get some sleep tonight.

I couldn't give a flying fúck about Christmas this year and would love to skip the whole damn thing and I may very well do just that.

Thank you all for the kind words and well wishes. I do appreciate them. As I said in my original post I'm not great at opening up to people so I am going to take advice from Leg End Reject and do it here anonymously. I find that helpful.

I will not be skipping Christmas this year as I implied. This is very likely my mother's last Christmas as she is dying so I couldn't not be around for it. I will definitely do a lot less than previous years but I will still see my family.

I miss my friend terribly. I keep going to text or ring her as instinct but then remember what happened and I get a wave of sadness. What is very surprising to me are the levels of guilt and anger that I have, I won't say too much about her as it's not my place but she did try to commit suicide last year but rang me in a panic and I rang an ambulance then went to her house and helped her. I feel extremely guilty over the fact that she didn't think she could ring me again, we were best friends, we loved each other and had no secrets. She could have rang me any time day or night and I would have been there for her immediately. It's horrible to think she didn't want help anymore. I also feel a lot of anger over it as bad as it may make me sound. I know and understand why she did it but I am mad at her for doing it still. I know that is selfish but a big part of grief is selfishness imo.

I realise that this is all doom and gloom and who wants to read that on a cold Tuesday morning? The only positive I can think to add at this point is that I am of the firm belief that we can take positives from even the worst things that happen to us. There is always a glimmer of hope if you analyse it hard enough. I haven't found any positives yet but I also haven't been looking for any yet because I don't want to yet. It's too soon and too raw right now but I know I will find some whenever I start to really think about it.

I know it's a cliche at this point but if you ever feel so low that you want to end your life pick up the phone and call anyone who cares about you. They will want to help you.

ohnonotgmail · 17-12-2019 10:46AM

My granny died on christmas eve when i was 3 or 4. christmas was never the same for my Dad after that which meant it was never the same for us kids.

von Smallhausen · 17-12-2019 12:58PM

My Dad died will be 7 years ago on the 28th December. I still have the last thing he ever wrote which was a Christmas card/gift that had cash in it.
I now can't stand to be around the family home at Christmas as it is still hitting me hard as we were close.
I have attempted suicide a few times (failed miserably....) and am back in counselling as a method of coping as those thoughts are back again, to the point where I have made a plan with the how, where and when.

So yea, Christmas can go and do one, i can no longer be happy with it anymore.

von Smallhausen · 17-12-2019 01:00PM

Guy Person wrote: »

I know it's a cliche at this point but if you ever feel so low that you want to end your life pick up the phone and call anyone who cares about you. They will want to help you.

That's why i'm in counselling...

DelBoy Trotter · 17-12-2019 01:28PM

von Smallhausen wrote: »

My Dad died will be 7 years ago on the 28th December. I still have the last thing he ever wrote which was a Christmas card/gift that had cash in it.
I now can't stand to be around the family home at Christmas as it is still hitting me hard as we were close.
I have attempted suicide a few times (failed miserably....) and am back in counselling as a method of coping as those thoughts are back again, to the point where I have made a plan with the how, where and when.

So yea, Christmas can go and do one, i can no longer be happy with it anymore.

Well done for recognising the thoughts and taking the steps to go back to counselling. I hope everything looks up for you soon

optogirl · 17-12-2019 01:42PM

My Dad died last November but am determined not to get maudlin around this time of year. He would have been disgusted with us for moping! Also, I don't want his death to be the thing that I dwell on - he had 74 good years and made my Christmasses very happy so will try to honour that instead.

Raconteuse · 23-12-2019 10:48PM

Here Retro, hopefully this thread might help you feel a little less alone. Seems less invaded by sh1ttiness.

mfceiling · 23-12-2019 11:31PM

My granny was buried on Saturday past...87. Think my mum has taken it badly but her and my dad are going to Australia tomorrow to see their grandson for the first time ever. (He's 2).

It will be a sad time now forever but I prefer to remember all the good things and good times so maybe I deal with grief differently.

Spanish Eyes · 24-12-2019 12:32AM

OP here, and I so empathise with all the posts. Nice to see the thread is still kind of civilised too!

Bless you all and we will get through our losses as best we can. Nothing wrong with a blow out of tears either. That is normal but some cannot cope with the emotions of others. So be it. Be true to yourself.

I will try to remember the good times. Doesn't always work, but worth a shot!

twowheelsonly · 24-12-2019 01:18AM

My dad died on Christmas morning a couple of years ago.

Since I've been married we always called out to them Christmas evening but my dad had been sick for a while and I just said to my Mrs about 9am that I'd prefer if we went out there now. I just had a gut feeling about that day. He passed away about 45 minutes after we got there as I sat with him. My Mrs was in the kitchen talking to my mother and calling them in was the hardest thing ever. I actually rang my brother first hoping that he could get there before I had to tell them !!

It was the saddest Christmas ever but at the same time his wake and funeral were magnificent, if a little delayed due to the timing. Christmas is still hard but I have nothing but fond memories of his love for all things Christmassy. He loved it so we all do the same.

The hardest part for me was actually at my sisters wedding last year. She was the apple of her Daddys eye and did more than anyone to look after him when he was sick. At the session after the wedding she asked me to sing 'The Old Man'. She started, then I started, then the whole place started... We were a blubbering mess but we had a great laugh about it later. He would have given out to us for being upset and then given out to us for laughing about being upset !!

"Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these
To remember you"

dreamers75 · 24-12-2019 01:21AM

It doesnt get easier with time, there is hole in you that can never be filled. We will always have that hole and over time you think about it less. But the hole is always there.

Rip da

Doctor Nick · 24-12-2019 01:59AM

I've been to more funerals since Nov 2018 then my previous 40 years combined. First me Da, then me best mates Da. My Aunt (Da's sister) was next, then my cousin a few weeks after her. Another death on Saturday night with funeral this Thursday, Stephens Day. Very sad times.

Dr. Bre · 24-12-2019 02:01AM

Allegedly it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Not if your bereaving

anewme · 24-12-2019 08:15AM

Beautiful letter in the Irish Times, which has now gone viral.

Its about halfway down the page titled " After the death of my children, Christmas is a black surround, without tinsel’

https://mobile.twitter.com/itletters?lang=en

Eggs For Dinner · 24-12-2019 08:37AM

We lost a few dear loved ones over the Christmas period and some years have been very hard. I had hoped this year the family could restore a bit of normality, but grief has come to the surface again with a few members and we're not being as kind to eachother as we usually would.

wexandproud · 24-12-2019 08:41AM

3 of my in laws passed away this year including father in law a few weeks , and to add to it all one of my sons won't be home for Christmas or new year . First time ever one of them will be away . Just wish it was over .
It might sound daft but for the past 5 or 6 year just as we finish dinner we usually take a minute or two , too remember family and friends who are no longer around .
Christmas is not always easy

wexandproud · 24-12-2019 08:54AM

Guy Person wrote: »

In the past week I have lost my best friend through suicide. We talked every single day for the last 5 years at least, we seriously never even missed one day in that time. Texts, phonecalls, skype etc.. She was the only person I ever really opened up to about stuff, I'm not good at doing that so I would always turn to her when I was down and she would be the same with me. To say this has affected me badly would be a huge understatement. I am completely devastated and heartbroken over it. I don't think I'll ever recover fully from it. I'm hoping that by typing this out and posting it it will get some stuff out of my head and help me get some sleep tonight.

I couldn't give a flying fúck about Christmas this year and would love to skip the whole damn thing and I may very well do just that.

That's very sad guy and I was in the same position a good few years back . For every one's sake and especially your own look after yourself and don't be afraid or to shy too speak to people . keep in touch with other mutual friends , have a laugh , shed a tear . I know it's not easy but don't dwell on the recent events , remember the good times and the friendship

jakobgallagher · 24-12-2019 09:21AM

I lost my partner at the start of December last year. She was my whole world and I honestly don't know how I got through this year but I some how have. I'm most likely here today because of the kindness and generosity gifted to me by my own family and my partners family.

Grief made me feel so alone in world, not only had I lost my best friend and the person that I held every night while I slept I now had a pain inside me that I felt no one else could even comprehend.

Threads like this are so important for people dealing with grief and help to bring people back down to reality and remind us that we are not so alone. Thank you so much OP and everyone who has shared their story.

This thread has reminded me of the Buddhist story of Kisa Gotami that was used so beautifully on the new Nick Cave album which is about the loss of his own son.

"Kisa had a baby but the baby died
Goes to the villagers says my baby’s sick
Villagers shake their heads and say to her
Better bury your baby in the forest quick

It’s a long way to find peace of mind, peace of mind
It’s a long way to find peace of mind, peace of mind

Kisa went to the mountain and asked the Buddha
My baby’s sick! Buddha said, don’t cry
Go to each house and collect a mustard seed
But only from a house where no one’s died

Kisa went to each house in the village
My baby’s getting sicker, poor Kisa cried
But Kisa never collected one mustard seed
Because in every house someone had died

Kisa sat down in the old village square
She hugged her baby and cried and cried
She said everybody is always losing somebody
Then walked into the forest and buried her child

Everybody’s losing someone
Everybody’s losing someone
It’s a long way to find peace of mind, peace of mind
It’s a long way to find peace of mind, peace of mind
And I’m just waiting now for my time to come
And I’m just waiting now for peace to come
For peace to come"

I really hope you all have a happy Christmas and even if it can't be happy I hope you find a way through.

Samaritans Ireland
+353 1 671 0071

martingriff · 24-12-2019 09:30AM

Lost my mother this November so it will be a sad christmas but will keep spirits up for nieces and nephews

lennyloulou · 24-12-2019 05:56PM

Lost my husband to suicide in 2015.
Am here in Australia, it's coming up to 4am Christmas Morning.
Am totally devastated.
We loved Christmas.
It's never the same, I'm not the same.
A part of me died with him.

Bereaved around Christmas time is not easy is it?

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