Bereaved around Christmas time is not easy is it?

Spanish Eyes · 30-11-2019 07:28PM #1

OK, not to put the kibosh on anything, but is anyone out there dreading the Christmas cheer when they have lost loved ones during the year, or before or around Christmas?

I have to say I am struggling a bit, but keep going because life goes on.

There is no good time to lose a loved one, but really at Christmas time is difficult.

sadie1502 · 30-11-2019 07:31PM

We lost our mam 24th November a year ago. Its been so hard can't feel it getting any easier miss her more every single day. Its tough really hard.

Leg End Reject · 30-11-2019 07:33PM

It's a difficult time of year when a seat is empty. Best thing to do is keep it low key and allow yourself to be upset, grief doesn't recognise Christmas.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the season itself passes over as easily as possible for you. A lot of people struggle at this time of year, and are expected to put on a show of false cheer.

Spanish Eyes · 30-11-2019 07:33PM

Leg End Reject wrote: »

It's a difficult time of year when a seat is empty. Best thing to do is keep it low key and allow yourself to be upset, grief doesn't recognise Christmas.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the season itself passes over as easily as possible for you. A lot of people struggle at this time of year, and are expected to put on a show of false cheer.

Thanks.

Spanish Eyes · 30-11-2019 07:40PM

Leg End Reject wrote: »

It's a difficult time of year when a seat is empty. Best thing to do is keep it low key and allow yourself to be upset, grief doesn't recognise Christmas.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the season itself passes over as easily as possible for you. A lot of people struggle at this time of year, and are expected to put on a show of false cheer.

The empty chair is now two empty chairs since lovely Dad passed a few years ago now. But onwards and upwards.

I suppose it is the cycle of life, but it's hard when they loved us and we loved them so much too.

My sympathies with others going through this.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 30-11-2019 07:50PM

My sister died on Christmas eve many years ago and it did put a pawl over Christmas for a long time. But, life does go on and we made Christmas special for our kids.

Cork Lass · 30-11-2019 07:54PM

My father in law passed away on 24th November (last Sunday) so I imagine Christmas will be very sad for us this year but I will try to keep it as normal as possible. Both my own parents are dead - my father passed away a number of years ago on 21st December so that Christmas passed in a complete blur. I always acknowledge them on the day - we raise a glass to them but try not to dwell to much in it.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy · 30-11-2019 07:57PM

Spent the first few Christmases after my Mam died over in Spain. She died in March but it does hit hard around Christmas time when I’m off work and she’s not around.

Leg End Reject · 30-11-2019 07:58PM

Our childhood and early adulthood Christmas memories, and all our traditions, are of and from our parents. It's never the same when they're no longer there.

Spanish Eyes · 30-11-2019 08:02PM

Leg End Reject wrote: »

Our childhood and early adulthood Christmas memories, and all our traditions, are of and from our parents. It's never the same when they're no longer there.

That's what I miss a lot. And you are right.

Agricola · 30-11-2019 08:05PM

Lost my Dad at the start of the summer. He had a long and happy life, twenty good years of retirement too which he enjoyed immensely. Never knew illness until his last year which was great going. It's going to be a strange Christmas, will really miss our chats, going to the pub for a couple of seasonal tipples after a bit of shopping. For the first time in my life, I wouldn't mind giving Xmas a skip this year.

Spanish Eyes · 30-11-2019 08:12PM

Agricola wrote: »

Lost my Dad at the start of the summer. He had a long and happy life, twenty good years of retirement too which he enjoyed immensely. Never knew illness until his last year which was great going. It's going to be a strange Christmas, will really miss our chats, going to the pub for a couple of seasonal tipples after a bit of shopping. For the first time in my life, I wouldn't mind giving Xmas a skip this year.

If you can skip it, go for it.

Such a lovely post. Not many understand the awfulness of loss, especially around now, when it is spend central for others.

But such is life.

Tom Mann Centuria · 30-11-2019 08:13PM

Lost my mum 17 years ago this New Year's Day. So that time of year means nothing to me now and I'll usually put myself down on the roster to work it and New Years Eve. Though my dad didn't die around Christmas time, he's greatly missed as he'd come back over to us every year for Christmas after Mum died and right up until he wasn't physically able to.

Though he definitely had his ups and downs mood wise, Christmas brought out the best in him, he was brilliant when it was just me and my wife and a fantastic grandad to my kids when they came along, buying weird and wonderful things from his travels and just loving every minute of it all. Then my wife's Mum died year before last and she had the Christmas spirit in bucket loads, now the only grandparent left is my Father in Law who wasn't in to Christmas before he lost his wife, now he's even less so.

Sorry OP, it is tough, and never quite as good as it once was, but it's still a lovely time, and although it's sad to remember the lost, it also reminds us of the brilliant people they were and the good they gave us.

corner of hells · 30-11-2019 08:16PM

Lost my mum last Christmas.
I've taken every shift I could over yhi6s Christmas, including Christmas Eve , day and the 26th.

30-11-2019 08:18PM

I lost two family members last year, dreaded Christmas and all the other firsts - birthdays, anniversaries etc. Christmas was especially hollow and empty though. I hoped the worst was over after getting the first one behind me, but here I am dreading it again. Hopefully that will pass in time, though there's no timetable for grief or loss and there's nothing wrong with just feeling how you're feeling. Don't pretend to be okay if you're not.

I hope everyone with an empty chair at the table gets through it and starts the new year feeling a little less raw. Hugs to you all, it's very hard but you'll get through it.

Spanish Eyes · 30-11-2019 08:21PM

OP here...

Thank you for all your posts.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts · 30-11-2019 08:29PM

I know a young mother who knew her end was coming around Christmastime. She died on Christmas morning at 6am. Small kids. They were just getting up for Santa around that time. Yup.

Spanish Eyes · 30-11-2019 08:32PM

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

I know a young mother who knew her end was coming around Christmastime. She died on Christmas morning at 6am. Small kids. They were just getting up for Santa around that time. Yup.

We never know when we will pass. I was just saying that around this time is particularly difficult because of all the expectations to be full of it despite a loss of a loved one.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts · 30-11-2019 08:47PM

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

We never know when we will pass. I was just saying that around this time is particularly difficult because of all the expectations to be full of it despite a loss of a loved one.

People should spend Christmas how they wish. If you shut out advertising as much as possible, you’ll find that a lot of the pressures of the season go away.

Super-Rush · 30-11-2019 09:11PM

My wife lost one of her brothers on the 22nd of Dec last year and her mam on Jan 2nd. I miss them both something terrible and can only imagine what my wife is going through. I still don't know how she gets out of bed every day.
.
It will be tough for us all this year but we'll get through it together.

retro:electro · 30-11-2019 09:11PM

I lost my lovely Mam in August. If I could fast forward to January I would. I just don’t have any interest in any of it, and the sentimental ads about family and missing loved ones just make me want to throw a chair at the tv. We have small nieces and nephews so we will be keeping the spirits up as much as we can just for them but for me there is no joy in any of it anymore. The most important person won’t be there.

For me the immense pressure to be happy and jolly just makes me feel even worse. It can be a terribly lonely time.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts · 30-11-2019 09:17PM

retro:electro wrote: »

I lost my lovely Mam in August. If I could fast forward to January I would. I just don’t have any interest in any of it, and the sentimental ads about family and missing loved ones just make me want to throw a chair at the tv. We have small nieces and nephews so we will be keeping the spirits up as much as we can just for them but for me there is no joy in any of it anymore. The most important person won’t be there.

For me the immense pressure to be happy and jolly just makes me feel even worse. It can be a terribly lonely time.

Retro, I am so sorry. Noticed you were pretty absent around here for a while.

Like Candie said, however you feel is valid.

Rubberchikken · 30-11-2019 09:23PM

its tough any time of year to grieve but christmas seems to make it that bit harder.
i lost my mam on Christmas morning a couple of decades ago and while i miss her it didnt make me like christmas less. she wouldn't have wanted that.

ive worked the past few Christmases and will be working this one too, celebrating on Christmas eve instead.

Spanish Eyes · 30-11-2019 09:26PM

retro:electro wrote: »

I lost my lovely Mam in August. If I could fast forward to January I would. I just don’t have any interest in any of it, and the sentimental ads about family and missing loved ones just make me want to throw a chair at the tv. We have small nieces and nephews so we will be keeping the spirits up as much as we can just for them but for me there is no joy in any of it anymore. The most important person won’t be there.

For me the immense pressure to be happy and jolly just makes me feel even worse. It can be a terribly lonely time.

I am exactly the same. It is tough no doubt and I am walking in your shoes.

Immortal Starlight · 01-12-2019 01:14AM

My lovely dad died in December nine years ago. It was a hard horrible time. It felt unbelievable going around choosing a coffin and funeral flowers and emerging onto the street and seeing all the Christmas lights and everyone rushing around doing Christmas shopping.
It's always a raw ache inside but in the run up to his anniversary I get this kind of panicky feeling and find it a bit easier when the day is over. Christmas can be a lovely time but it's never the same when someone so special is gone.

JupiterKid · 01-12-2019 06:54AM

My mum died suddenly and tragically - in the middle of the night - on November 17th when I was 15 years of age. To say the Christmas immediately afterwards was dreadful is a complete understatement. I tried to keep some cheer going, insisting on a tree and decorations being put up in the house. Dinner was incredibly sad, with the place setting for mum empty, and we all sobbed and cried through the day. My sister was pretty much inconsolable with grief.

My late father went to complete pieces shortly afterwards, with his drinking getting pretty bad for a while. But we all managed to pull through - with the help of seriously decent wider family and neighbors. Some of them I can never thank enough for helping us in a time of crisis.

The immediate Christmasses after her death - those in the early 1990s, were pretty sombre, solemn affairs but the mood did improve with each passing year. Christmas 1997, the first Christmas with my dad’s new partner at the dinner table, was the first really happy one since mum’s passing.

The first Christmas after my father passed, Christmas 2015, was bittersweet. It was the final Christmas spent in the family home before it was cleared out and sold. My sisters and I cooked a wonderful dinner in Dad’s memory that would have done him proud and reminisced a lot about the happier times in our childhoods and the Christmases gone by. At this stage, my mental health was very poor and my drinking was off the scale. I was in and out of rehab and putting away close to a litre of vodka a day - but I did manage to restrain myself for Christmas Day itself.

Christmas after having lost loved ones can be incredibly difficult and unimaginably sad, but most of us do manage to muddle through. Cherishing and remembering the happier times with them around helps.

ZX7R · 01-12-2019 07:21AM

Try to enjoy Christmas with the loved ones who are still hear ,no point looking back in 10 years time wishing and missing the same thing about them as you are now.
Merry Christmas Spanish Eyes.

Wanderer78 · 01-12-2019 08:03AM

Yea its a dreadful time for our family, but we make the best of it, enjoy it folks

twignme · 01-12-2019 08:04AM

I lost my only sister on December 17th six years ago, followed immediately by a three year High Court case as her Executrix. It meant I wasn’t able to take time to grieve properly and memories are all tied up with the awfulness of the litigation. We were so close as sisters you couldn’t put a piece of paper between us, I was her and she was me. I hate this time of year.

LimeFruitGum · 01-12-2019 08:25AM

Urgh,it is fecking hard. My mam died just over 2 years ago and she really held the family together. My brother is spending the day volunteering, I will either be at home in Dublin or flying off somewhere asap.

Neither of us want to spend it at the family home place, as my sister relapsed back onto the drink after Mam went, and she has paranoid schizophrenia. We’re talking an average of two wine bottles a day, 24/7 vaping & YouTube. Of course she won’t always take her meds, so she has to get them injected now. My sister doesn’t clean the place either, there is no way I would bring my partner or friends in to see that. We’re talking mould, bottles rolling around, and overflowing mounds of clutter on beds, windowsills, and floors.
Anyway, enough about her - point is, mam’s cherished family home has become my sister’s minging kip.

The first Xmas after Mam, I spent it with my partner’s family. They did mean well, but after a few drinks in they were like, “you miss your mother, don’t you? Are you ALRIGHT? ISN’T IT TERRIBLE? HER MOTHER DIED IN AUGUST, YOU SEE” at the table in front of a couple of other guests I had *just* met. I had to bloody smile and nod, being a guest myself, but I was furious. I had my little cry done earlier, and just trying to get through the day at someone else’s house. And then *this* foghorn, you know?

Church on Tuesday · 01-12-2019 12:35PM

A lot of people fail to recognise how tricky this time of year can be for many people.

It's tough, but I hope everyone looks after themselves and try to be to be good to oneself.

Bereaved around Christmas time is not easy is it?

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