Bereaved around Christmas time is not easy is it?

Spanish Eyes

OK, not to put the kibosh on anything, but is anyone out there dreading the Christmas cheer when they have lost loved ones during the year, or before or around Christmas?

I have to say I am struggling a bit, but keep going because life goes on.

There is no good time to lose a loved one, but really at Christmas time is difficult.

sadie1502

We lost our mam 24th November a year ago. Its been so hard can't feel it getting any easier miss her more every single day. Its tough really hard.

Leg End Reject

It's a difficult time of year when a seat is empty. Best thing to do is keep it low key and allow yourself to be upset, grief doesn't recognise Christmas.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the season itself passes over as easily as possible for you. A lot of people struggle at this time of year, and are expected to put on a show of false cheer.

Spanish Eyes

Leg End Reject wrote: »

It's a difficult time of year when a seat is empty. Best thing to do is keep it low key and allow yourself to be upset, grief doesn't recognise Christmas.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the season itself passes over as easily as possible for you. A lot of people struggle at this time of year, and are expected to put on a show of false cheer.

Thanks.

Spanish Eyes

Leg End Reject wrote: »

It's a difficult time of year when a seat is empty. Best thing to do is keep it low key and allow yourself to be upset, grief doesn't recognise Christmas.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the season itself passes over as easily as possible for you. A lot of people struggle at this time of year, and are expected to put on a show of false cheer.

The empty chair is now two empty chairs since lovely Dad passed a few years ago now. But onwards and upwards.

I suppose it is the cycle of life, but it's hard when they loved us and we loved them so much too.

My sympathies with others going through this.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

My sister died on Christmas eve many years ago and it did put a pawl over Christmas for a long time. But, life does go on and we made Christmas special for our kids.

Cork Lass

My father in law passed away on 24th November (last Sunday) so I imagine Christmas will be very sad for us this year but I will try to keep it as normal as possible. Both my own parents are dead - my father passed away a number of years ago on 21st December so that Christmas passed in a complete blur. I always acknowledge them on the day - we raise a glass to them but try not to dwell to much in it.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Spent the first few Christmases after my Mam died over in Spain. She died in March but it does hit hard around Christmas time when I’m off work and she’s not around.

Leg End Reject

Our childhood and early adulthood Christmas memories, and all our traditions, are of and from our parents. It's never the same when they're no longer there.

Spanish Eyes

Leg End Reject wrote: »

Our childhood and early adulthood Christmas memories, and all our traditions, are of and from our parents. It's never the same when they're no longer there.

That's what I miss a lot. And you are right.

Agricola

Lost my Dad at the start of the summer. He had a long and happy life, twenty good years of retirement too which he enjoyed immensely. Never knew illness until his last year which was great going. It's going to be a strange Christmas, will really miss our chats, going to the pub for a couple of seasonal tipples after a bit of shopping. For the first time in my life, I wouldn't mind giving Xmas a skip this year.

Spanish Eyes

Agricola wrote: »

Lost my Dad at the start of the summer. He had a long and happy life, twenty good years of retirement too which he enjoyed immensely. Never knew illness until his last year which was great going. It's going to be a strange Christmas, will really miss our chats, going to the pub for a couple of seasonal tipples after a bit of shopping. For the first time in my life, I wouldn't mind giving Xmas a skip this year.

If you can skip it, go for it.

Such a lovely post. Not many understand the awfulness of loss, especially around now, when it is spend central for others.

But such is life.

Tom Mann Centuria

Lost my mum 17 years ago this New Year's Day. So that time of year means nothing to me now and I'll usually put myself down on the roster to work it and New Years Eve. Though my dad didn't die around Christmas time, he's greatly missed as he'd come back over to us every year for Christmas after Mum died and right up until he wasn't physically able to.

Though he definitely had his ups and downs mood wise, Christmas brought out the best in him, he was brilliant when it was just me and my wife and a fantastic grandad to my kids when they came along, buying weird and wonderful things from his travels and just loving every minute of it all. Then my wife's Mum died year before last and she had the Christmas spirit in bucket loads, now the only grandparent left is my Father in Law who wasn't in to Christmas before he lost his wife, now he's even less so.

Sorry OP, it is tough, and never quite as good as it once was, but it's still a lovely time, and although it's sad to remember the lost, it also reminds us of the brilliant people they were and the good they gave us.

corner of hells

Lost my mum last Christmas.
I've taken every shift I could over yhi6s Christmas, including Christmas Eve , day and the 26th.

I lost two family members last year, dreaded Christmas and all the other firsts - birthdays, anniversaries etc. Christmas was especially hollow and empty though. I hoped the worst was over after getting the first one behind me, but here I am dreading it again. Hopefully that will pass in time, though there's no timetable for grief or loss and there's nothing wrong with just feeling how you're feeling. Don't pretend to be okay if you're not.

I hope everyone with an empty chair at the table gets through it and starts the new year feeling a little less raw. Hugs to you all, it's very hard but you'll get through it.

Spanish Eyes

OP here...

Thank you for all your posts.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

I know a young mother who knew her end was coming around Christmastime. She died on Christmas morning at 6am. Small kids. They were just getting up for Santa around that time. Yup.

Spanish Eyes

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

I know a young mother who knew her end was coming around Christmastime. She died on Christmas morning at 6am. Small kids. They were just getting up for Santa around that time. Yup.

We never know when we will pass. I was just saying that around this time is particularly difficult because of all the expectations to be full of it despite a loss of a loved one.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

We never know when we will pass. I was just saying that around this time is particularly difficult because of all the expectations to be full of it despite a loss of a loved one.

People should spend Christmas how they wish. If you shut out advertising as much as possible, you’ll find that a lot of the pressures of the season go away.

Super-Rush

My wife lost one of her brothers on the 22nd of Dec last year and her mam on Jan 2nd. I miss them both something terrible and can only imagine what my wife is going through. I still don't know how she gets out of bed every day.
.
It will be tough for us all this year but we'll get through it together.

retro:electro

I lost my lovely Mam in August. If I could fast forward to January I would. I just don’t have any interest in any of it, and the sentimental ads about family and missing loved ones just make me want to throw a chair at the tv. We have small nieces and nephews so we will be keeping the spirits up as much as we can just for them but for me there is no joy in any of it anymore. The most important person won’t be there.

For me the immense pressure to be happy and jolly just makes me feel even worse. It can be a terribly lonely time.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

retro:electro wrote: »

I lost my lovely Mam in August. If I could fast forward to January I would. I just don’t have any interest in any of it, and the sentimental ads about family and missing loved ones just make me want to throw a chair at the tv. We have small nieces and nephews so we will be keeping the spirits up as much as we can just for them but for me there is no joy in any of it anymore. The most important person won’t be there.

For me the immense pressure to be happy and jolly just makes me feel even worse. It can be a terribly lonely time.

Retro, I am so sorry. Noticed you were pretty absent around here for a while.

Like Candie said, however you feel is valid.

Rubberchikken

its tough any time of year to grieve but christmas seems to make it that bit harder.
i lost my mam on Christmas morning a couple of decades ago and while i miss her it didnt make me like christmas less. she wouldn't have wanted that.

ive worked the past few Christmases and will be working this one too, celebrating on Christmas eve instead.

Spanish Eyes

retro:electro wrote: »

I lost my lovely Mam in August. If I could fast forward to January I would. I just don’t have any interest in any of it, and the sentimental ads about family and missing loved ones just make me want to throw a chair at the tv. We have small nieces and nephews so we will be keeping the spirits up as much as we can just for them but for me there is no joy in any of it anymore. The most important person won’t be there.

For me the immense pressure to be happy and jolly just makes me feel even worse. It can be a terribly lonely time.

I am exactly the same. It is tough no doubt and I am walking in your shoes.

Immortal Starlight

My lovely dad died in December nine years ago. It was a hard horrible time. It felt unbelievable going around choosing a coffin and funeral flowers and emerging onto the street and seeing all the Christmas lights and everyone rushing around doing Christmas shopping.
It's always a raw ache inside but in the run up to his anniversary I get this kind of panicky feeling and find it a bit easier when the day is over. Christmas can be a lovely time but it's never the same when someone so special is gone.

JupiterKid

My mum died suddenly and tragically - in the middle of the night - on November 17th when I was 15 years of age. To say the Christmas immediately afterwards was dreadful is a complete understatement. I tried to keep some cheer going, insisting on a tree and decorations being put up in the house. Dinner was incredibly sad, with the place setting for mum empty, and we all sobbed and cried through the day. My sister was pretty much inconsolable with grief.

My late father went to complete pieces shortly afterwards, with his drinking getting pretty bad for a while. But we all managed to pull through - with the help of seriously decent wider family and neighbors. Some of them I can never thank enough for helping us in a time of crisis.

The immediate Christmasses after her death - those in the early 1990s, were pretty sombre, solemn affairs but the mood did improve with each passing year. Christmas 1997, the first Christmas with my dad’s new partner at the dinner table, was the first really happy one since mum’s passing.

The first Christmas after my father passed, Christmas 2015, was bittersweet. It was the final Christmas spent in the family home before it was cleared out and sold. My sisters and I cooked a wonderful dinner in Dad’s memory that would have done him proud and reminisced a lot about the happier times in our childhoods and the Christmases gone by. At this stage, my mental health was very poor and my drinking was off the scale. I was in and out of rehab and putting away close to a litre of vodka a day - but I did manage to restrain myself for Christmas Day itself.

Christmas after having lost loved ones can be incredibly difficult and unimaginably sad, but most of us do manage to muddle through. Cherishing and remembering the happier times with them around helps.

ZX7R

Try to enjoy Christmas with the loved ones who are still hear ,no point looking back in 10 years time wishing and missing the same thing about them as you are now.
Merry Christmas Spanish Eyes.

Wanderer78

Yea its a dreadful time for our family, but we make the best of it, enjoy it folks

twignme

I lost my only sister on December 17th six years ago, followed immediately by a three year High Court case as her Executrix. It meant I wasn’t able to take time to grieve properly and memories are all tied up with the awfulness of the litigation. We were so close as sisters you couldn’t put a piece of paper between us, I was her and she was me. I hate this time of year.

LimeFruitGum

Urgh,it is fecking hard. My mam died just over 2 years ago and she really held the family together. My brother is spending the day volunteering, I will either be at home in Dublin or flying off somewhere asap.

Neither of us want to spend it at the family home place, as my sister relapsed back onto the drink after Mam went, and she has paranoid schizophrenia. We’re talking an average of two wine bottles a day, 24/7 vaping & YouTube. Of course she won’t always take her meds, so she has to get them injected now. My sister doesn’t clean the place either, there is no way I would bring my partner or friends in to see that. We’re talking mould, bottles rolling around, and overflowing mounds of clutter on beds, windowsills, and floors.
Anyway, enough about her - point is, mam’s cherished family home has become my sister’s minging kip.

The first Xmas after Mam, I spent it with my partner’s family. They did mean well, but after a few drinks in they were like, “you miss your mother, don’t you? Are you ALRIGHT? ISN’T IT TERRIBLE? HER MOTHER DIED IN AUGUST, YOU SEE” at the table in front of a couple of other guests I had *just* met. I had to bloody smile and nod, being a guest myself, but I was furious. I had my little cry done earlier, and just trying to get through the day at someone else’s house. And then *this* foghorn, you know?

Church on Tuesday

A lot of people fail to recognise how tricky this time of year can be for many people.

It's tough, but I hope everyone looks after themselves and try to be to be good to oneself.

Trigger Happy

My dad died 22 years ago and I still wonder would he enjoy Christmas in my home and with my family that he never met.
It's not a sad thought as such, just a wonder.

But the first Christmas was a numb one and I really feel for all of you who will feel that emptiness for the first time this year. Much love.
As you were...

Ande1975

I lost my Dad at the beginning of the summer. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer the year before. Never thought last Christmas would be the last one we would spend with him.

Leaving the country this year as I cannot face this Christmas without him but at the same time, I hate the thought of not visiting his grave Christmas Day. It'll be the first Christmas in my 40 plus years I didn't spend it with him.

Field of Dreams was on the telly earlier. I've seen it so many times but this is the first time I've seen it since Dad passed and the ending had me in absolute bits.

My heart goes out to everyone facing Christmas without their loved ones. There is some comfort in knowing we'll be facing it together

jk23

I really think Christmas should be more emphasised on remembering loved ones who passed.

Rather than the mass consumerism and faux happiness everyone has to be around this time.

Spanish Eyes

Ande1975 wrote: »

I lost my Dad at the beginning of the summer. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer the year before. Never thought last Christmas would be the last one we would spend with him.

Leaving the country this year as I cannot face this Christmas without him but at the same time, I hate the thought of not visiting his grave Christmas Day. It'll be the first Christmas in my 40 plus years I didn't spend it with him.

Field of Dreams was on the telly earlier. I've seen it so many times but this is the first time I've seen it since Dad passed and the ending had me in absolute bits.

My heart goes out to everyone facing Christmas without their loved ones. There is some comfort in knowing we'll be facing it together

Great post there. As are everyone's. We all face this in our own way, but I have to say I'm a bit flaky right now as we need to select the memorial cards for Mam to be sent out on or before the anniversary. Tradition apparently.

Looking through the verses has me broken up a bit. But hey, better out than in!

But I'll get over it, life goes on and may all your loved ones rest in peace.

magicray

I lost my Dad in April and am absolutely dreading Christmas Day, I just can't get myself motivated this year at all - not one pressie has been bought for anyone yet

We were at the light up a life ceremony in the Hospice this evening, it was very emotional but I am glad I went

Spanish Eyes

jk23 wrote: »

I really think Christmas should be more emphasised on remembering loved ones who passed.

Rather than the mass consumerism and faux happiness everyone has to be around this time.

It is, but it really only applies to those who are sad at a loss, and in fairness, who wants to see tears at Christmas!

Everyone else is free to enjoy the Season as they wish, but it is consumerism gone a bit mad now in many ways alright.

Still, each to their own.

anewme

My Dad is gone but still here.

Dementia is the most cruel disease. Days like today I wonder when he stopped being him? How did I miss it?

Spanish Eyes

anewme wrote: »

My Dad is gone but still here.

Dementia is the most cruel disease. Days like today I wonder when he stopped being him? How did I miss it?

Glad you mentioned this. It is terrible to experience on both sides. They are with you, but also gone, and yet still here day to day. Very distressing.

anewme

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Glad you mentioned this. It is terrible to experience on both sides. They are with you, but also gone, and yet still here day to day. Very distressing.

Christmas Party today was tough.

Like a bad episode of Phoenix Nights. Funny, cringey, sad, warm, human, thanks to some amazing staff.

Dad would have loved it, if he remembered he was there.

Mean Laqueefa

I lost my mam 13th of November, it was my daughters 1st birthday on the 21st of November which was a happy and sad day. We lived in the UK at the time and came home for my mams passing for that period.


Went back to the UK on the on Dec 2nd, quit our jobs, got things in order, wife got a job secured in ireland placed a few things in a storage unit and gave everything else we couldnt pack into the car to charities and free adverts


Moved home to Ireland to be with family on Dec 20th ! Christmas was a difficult time for all of us but atleast we were together and all the kids kept people busy.


My daughter just turned 2 and when she sees santa on TV she screams HO HO HO. Im really gonna try focus on the happy this year on things like that than the pain that also comes along with it, Its what my mam would want me to do.

cantalach

I lost my little brother at Christmas when I was 13. It was the great epoch in our lives. Christmas especially became a time of the year to dread, mostly because it caused my mum to become inconsolable. It was pure torture. When my own kids were very little it regained some of its magic for a few years. But now that they’re well past the Santa stage, that deeply-ingrained dread of the season has returned. It’s particularly bad this year for no particular reason. I’m thinking a lot of my brother in the last few days and picking out ‘Tears in Heaven’ on the guitar...would you hold my hand...

Mean Laqueefa

Mean Laqueefa wrote: »

...

My daughter just turned 2 and when she sees santa on TV she screams HO HO HO. Im really gonna try focus on the happy this year on things like that than the pain that also comes along with it, Its what my mam would want me to do.

That, I think is the key to surviving Christmas while grieving. Just grab whatever little happy moments come along, as they come along. Last year I was very grateful for the distraction of my nieces and nephews and being able to see them happy. It takes you out of yourself a little.

I'm glad your mum got to meet your daughter. Having memories of your mum doting on her must be a little comfort for you, and a nice thing to remember at Christmas.

JupiterKid

Yes, the loss of loved ones, those nearest and dearest to us can make Christmas a very difficult time - escpecially, as others here have pointed out, with all the false enforced cheer out there bombarding us from every direction.

Just a couple of days ago, a good acquaintance lost his husband to terminal cancer. I met his husband several times before they were married in 2016 and he was a true gent - a kind, decent and caring man. This same acquaintance only lost his mother a month ago. Imagine losing both your mother AND your spouse in the immediate run up to Christmas. The grief would be too much to bear for most. My heart goes out to him.

But this thread shows that there are many here who share stories of painful and difficult Christmas seasons after the loss of dearly loved ones in our lives. We are stronger in sharing our stories of loss and coping, of remembering the good times and making the most of those fleeting moments of happiness and joy.

We are stronger together! 💕

JupiterKid

JupiterKid wrote: »

Yes, the loss of loved ones, those nearest and dearest to us can make Christmas a very difficult time - escpecially, as others here have pointed out, with all the false enforced cheer out there bombarding us from every direction.

Just a couple of days ago, a good acquaintance lost his husband to terminal cancer. I met his husband several times before they were married in 2016 and he was a true gent - a kind, decent and caring man. This same acquaintance only lost his mother a month ago. Imagine losing both your mother AND your spouse in the immediate run up to Christmas. The grief would be too much to bear for most. My heart goes out to him.

But this thread shows that there are many here who share stories of painful and difficult Christmas seasons after the loss of dearly loved ones in our lives. We are stronger in sharing our stories of loss and coping, of remembering the good times and making the most of those fleeting moments of happiness and joy.

We are stronger together! 💕

My dad lost my mum and my grandfather within weeks of each other last year, same as your poor friend. While I was selfishly wrapped up in my own private despair, he was still worrying about everyone else. Only a few years after losing his other daughter too. People can endure so much and still find happiness and joy in life, it's an everyday miracle.

The thing about loss is that we can't escape it, it touches us all and the world just keeps turning no matter how we feel. I hope your friend finds peace.

And you too, JK. Reading your post about packing up and selling the family home choked me up.. I can't really imagine how difficult that must have been for you, I know from your posts that you've been through a lot. Happy Christmas to you. X

LimeFruitGum

Indeed, JK.
One of the things that I have taken away from the whole thing is that the people who always make everything about themselves, will make your bereavement about themselves too. You have to manage *their* feelings about the whole thing. Can’t bloody win!

I dunno.. I left home when I was 18. I lived abroad and traveled a fair bit. in some weird way, it was business as usual, because I was well used to not seeing her for months on end. It would have hit my siblings much harder as they were at home, or at least lived locally. My sister has basically been at home in a wine cloud ever since Mam went :-/, but she was an alcoholic long before Mam was diagnosed.

On the other hand, my brother has been channeling his grief through charity events. It turns out he is actually really good at it!
His first event raised well over 15k, and his events have been covered in online, local, and national media. He is off organizing an All Ireland charity calendar at the moment to raise money for Alzheimer’s. He has also taken on more regular volunteer work, and is now looking for jobs with a strong helping aspect to them. I’m dead chuffed about what he has done, and so would Herself.

Dub Ste

Both my parents died in January years ago my dad in 77 and mam in 95.

I dread this time of year, even though it's over 40 years since the oul fella died, still miss him, and I still haven't really come to terms with my mam not being here.
I'm married with two kids and have been told I have to be cheery for them, Christmas is all about the children, I agree..................but I just hate this time of year.

All the stress and worry for one day, and the aching I still have for them, well, if I could go to sleep on Dec 1st, and wake up Jan 1st, that'd do me just fine

Rubberlegs

My Dad died in November 2010 after a short illness. As well as the grief I can remember a sense of total disorientation as to what time of the year it was. The previous months had been spent visiting him in hospital every day and the summer just completely bypassed me so it didn't feel possible that Christmas was just around the corner. I can't remember much about the few weeks leading up to Christmas, it's a blur. I do remember a very vivid dream I had about him the night before Christmas eve. I knocked on the door of my parent's house and he came out all smiles, looking really well. He put his arm around my shoulders, something that he used to randomly do, I could actually feel the weight of his arm in my dream. I woke up with a smile on my face and felt that Christmas was going to be OK, I'd get through it. I found the New Year harder to deal with as in my mind at the time going in to a New Year was leaving him behind. It's our 10th Christmas without him this year, a lot has changed. Two more grandchildren born, the family house sold. It has gotten easier as the years pass but there is always the sense of loss at times like Christmas.

Ande1975

Rubberlegs wrote: »

I found the New Year harder to deal with as in my mind at the time going in to a New Year was leaving him behind.

This! You have beautifully articulated another thing I dread. Last year I felt protected in 2018 as he would see in 2019 but we lost him in May.
As much as I want to leave the hurt, sadness, stupid/insane actions I took behind me in 2019, I hate that I could be leaving the year in which I saw him, spoke to him and lived with him last.
Recently attended a rememberance mass and this I take comfort in:

'Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard
But always near,
Still loved, still missed
But very dear'


Sorry for your loss Rubberlegs

D3V!L

My first Christmas on this planet without my dad, he passed away 2 and a half months ago. Still hasn't settled in

Rubberlegs

Ande1975 wrote: »

This! You have beautifully articulated another thing I dread. Last year I felt protected in 2018 as he would see in 2019 but we lost him in May.
As much as I want to leave the hurt, sadness, stupid/insane actions I took behind me in 2019, I hate that I could be leaving the year in which I saw him, spoke to him and lived with him last.
Recently attended a rememberance mass and this I take comfort in:

'Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard
But always near,
Still loved, still missed
But very dear'


Sorry for your loss Rubberlegs

Thank you and my sympathies to you also.

That rhyme is on Dad's memory card, very true sentiments.