What's the etiquette here??

Andreas77 · 07-11-2019 8:30pm

A very fine machine, but a word for the wise, some anuses were damaged by electronic bidet systems due to high force of water (anal resting pressure), another was scalded by such a system

KWAG2019 · 07-11-2019 8:58pm

I will be surprised if the next iteration of these machines doesn’t come with a HUD. In these water conscious times trial and error with the flow and aim might seem extravagant. A rear view camera in 4K of course with a HUD could minimize wastage. Electronic seat memory and a reclining back could mean complete domination of the market. I can’t see these fitting in the traps at work; probably only at senior executive level. Too bad.

JohnnyFlash · 07-11-2019 9:35pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Very good question Emmett.

The little temp unit on the joystick has a little clicker system on it and visual marking which can be inspected prior to dump.

Now it’s personal preference, but one ‘click’ is nicely warm and two is nicer, and I have to admit I did not go over that .

However one could get a Jap with a ‘star’ like the tongue of a five year old golf shoe and maybe he could take a 4 which is the max.

John Flash could have some info so maybe hit him up for further info.

You’ll find him in the ‘serious soiling’ section:D

Been in Japan on a few occasions for sure, Brendan. Find the diet not very conducive to traumatic and explosive shïtes, so don’t have any experience of using the Japanese toilet water washer on a serious ‘crime scene’. Sorry to disappoint.

Can vouch for the excellent quality of the jacks over there in general - apart from the squat ones you find in rural train stations. Lovely people, excellent food, non gassy beer, 4-ply as standard, and space age shît boxes in general.

Leg End Reject · 07-11-2019 10:41pm

Learned gentlemen of the water closet, it is with much trepidation that I enter this thread with a query.

Inspired by a conversation on the hygiene implications of relaxing in a bath, specifically the risk of errant faecal matter dissolving in the water, and seeing the wonder of the Japanese toilet, I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter. By "matter" I mean both the logistics of bathing and faecal matter.

I wish to make you all aware in advance that I dont suffer from the violent bowel evacuations that are so elegantly described here, as I think this may have some bearing on your responses.

Please be kind, I'm a lady.

Deebles McBeebles · 07-11-2019 10:50pm

A strenuous shower before the bath would be advised, L. For the gentlemen with the furry arses in particular, of course. One wouldn't want to mix one's self with the faecal leavings of the day whilst striving for cleanliness.

Leg End Reject · 07-11-2019 10:55pm

Exactly how "strenuous" should this shower be, dweebs? One could be raw upon entering the hot water ...

Most unpleasant.

Deebles McBeebles · 07-11-2019 10:58pm

Hmmm...I wouldn't break out the wire brush for the occasion. A lot of time should be devoted to making sure the runway is clear but never to the point of damaging the tarmac.

I'm sure you can find your limit.

JohnnyFlash · 07-11-2019 11:01pm

Don’t mean to be mansplaining or anything, but I’d suggest you return the balloon knot and overall valley of death to a state of relative cleanliness before you decide to slip into a radox bath to listen to some tunes and sip on a glass of Chateau Topaz.

07-11-2019 11:06pm

KWAG2019 wrote: »

I will be surprised if the next iteration of these machines doesn’t come with a HUD. In these water conscious times trial and error with the flow and aim might seem extravagant. A rear view camera in 4K of course with a HUD could minimize wastage. Electronic seat memory and a reclining back could mean complete domination of the market. I can’t see these fitting in the traps at work; probably only at senior executive level. Too bad.

Heated seat would be essential really, full control of water flow etc and WiFi connectivity to control automated vents etc to clear the fent after a heavy "session".

Leg End Reject · 07-11-2019 11:06pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Don’t mean to be mansplaining or anything, but I’d suggest you return the balloon knot and overall valley of death to a state of relative cleanliness before you decide to slip into a radox bath to listen to some tunes and sip on a glass of Chateau Topaz.

I generally strive for a state of relative cleanliness, Johnny. I tend more towards bath melts and oils, I wouldn't lower myself to Radox or Chateau Topaz, but I do appreciate your opinion.

Deebles McBeebles · 07-11-2019 11:07pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Don’t mean to be mansplaining or anything, but I’d suggest you return the balloon knot and overall valley of death to a state of relative cleanliness before you decide to slip into a radox bath to listen to some tunes and sip on a glass of Chateau Topaz.

More likely to be Lidl own brand bubble bath and a pint of Devil's Bit, John.

Leg End Reject · 07-11-2019 11:11pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

More likely to be Lidl own brand bubble bath and a pint of Devil's Bit, John.

It sounds like your general anal area requires some deep cleaning, you seem to be rather irritated.

NeinNeinNein · 08-11-2019 12:25am

Ladies do sh*ts too?

EmmetSpiceland · 08-11-2019 12:47am

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Ladies do sh*ts too?

Yes, but only in luxurious bubble baths.

sligojoek · 08-11-2019 12:53am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Yes, but only in luxurious bubble baths.

And fart perfume for the day afterwards.

08-11-2019 1:09am

Wikipedia article on Japanese toilets makes for surprisingly interesting reading.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilets_in_Japan
Hopefully of some interest whilst on the throne.
This crowd are selling them here in Ireland, no prices on the website though a Google search suggests they range from €6,000 to €12,000.
https://versatilebathrooms.ie/toilets/toto
If I ever get lucky on the lotto I'll get a Toto neorest before the fancy car etc.

KWAG2019 · 08-11-2019 1:17am

Deleted User wrote: »

Wikipedia article on Japanese toilets makes for surprisingly interesting reading.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilets_in_Japan
Hopefully of some interest whilst on the throne.
This crowd are selling them here in Ireland, no prices on the website though a Google search suggests they range from €6,000 to €12,000.
https://versatilebathrooms.ie/toilets/toto
If I ever get lucky on the lotto I'll get a Toto neorest before the fancy car etc.

I can see Toto struggling badly dealing with the material (a euphemism I know) in this thread. While the Tornado flush sounds good on inspection it reads like an entry level response; but the auto close seat feature is a real worry. It senses when you have left the area allegedly. Given the strength and persistence of the contributions made here I think Toto wouldn't know if it was coming or going. I can see tragedy looming with a wildly flapping seat lid. Toto may be big in Japan but I think I'll hold the line with the old reliable Shanks.

EmmetSpiceland · 08-11-2019 1:41am

Andreas77 wrote: »

A very fine machine, but a word for the wise, some anuses were damaged by electronic bidet systems due to high force of water (anal resting pressure), another was scalded by such a system

This would be a real fear for me. Does a “system” that sophisticated come with the most advanced security?

I don’t fancy having my toilet “hacked” by the Russians, or some other rogue agent.

The idea of having them “lock on” target my hoop like the pilots of some sort of MiG-29 boiling water cannon while stealing my DNA or, at the very least, selling on my dietary details to “Big Data” is a chilling, and all too real, prospect.

We live in dangerous times. I would advise that, for the moment, the safest way to shít is to do it the old fashioned way. Analog, if you will.

And privately.

NeinNeinNein · 08-11-2019 3:42am

The Russians can't possibly track this system.

mzl.mizvgrhh.png

Kermit.de.frog · 08-11-2019 4:22am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I heard everything and I find the whole encounter awkward is all. It crossed my mind to fire him to be honest.

This would lead to fascinating hearings in the Labour Court OP.

Go for it.

Deebles McBeebles · 08-11-2019 9:47am

Deleted User wrote: »

Wikipedia article on Japanese toilets makes for surprisingly interesting reading.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilets_in_Japan
Hopefully of some interest whilst on the throne.
This crowd are selling them here in Ireland, no prices on the website though a Google search suggests they range from €6,000 to €12,000.
https://versatilebathrooms.ie/toilets/toto
If I ever get lucky on the lotto I'll get a Toto neorest before the fancy car etc.

A TOTO Washlet™ offers the following functionality:

Wand jet with up to five different types of spray, with individually adjustable water temperature and pressure
Heated seat for a comfortable temperature
Dryer with warm air for comfortable drying
Filter system to prevent unpleasant odours
Remote control with easy-to-use functions

Sign me up! A f*cking pong-filter and a remote control!

That video on the wiki link is both fascinating and disturbing. Well worth repeated viewings.

08-11-2019 10:33am

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

A TOTO Washlet™ offers the following functionality:
Wand jet with up to five different types of spray, with individually adjustable water temperature and pressure

Heated seat for a comfortable temperature

Dryer with warm air for comfortable drying

Filter system to prevent unpleasant odours

Remote control with easy-to-use functions

Sign me up! A f*cking pong-filter and a remote control!

That video on the wiki link is both fascinating and disturbing. Well worth repeated viewings.

Also of note are the sound systems to cover up the noise of "movements". Bound to be of use when you are dropping ordnance.
What a time to be alive, the future is now.

Hector Savage · 08-11-2019 10:59am

KWAG2019 wrote: »

I will be surprised if the next iteration of these machines doesn’t come with a HUD. In these water conscious times trial and error with the flow and aim might seem extravagant. A rear view camera in 4K of course with a HUD could minimize wastage. Electronic seat memory and a reclining back could mean complete domination of the market. I can’t see these fitting in the traps at work; probably only at senior executive level. Too bad.

And there will be a scandal as some perverted engineer (probably German) will put a hack into the system to upload the 4K quality videos of arseholes expulsing midden to some depraved reddit sub forum ...

Hector Savage · 08-11-2019 11:04am

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

A TOTO Washlet™ offers the following functionality:
Wand jet with up to five different types of spray, with individually adjustable water temperature and pressure

Heated seat for a comfortable temperature

Dryer with warm air for comfortable drying

Filter system to prevent unpleasant odours

Remote control with easy-to-use functions

Sign me up! A f*cking pong-filter and a remote control!

That video on the wiki link is both fascinating and disturbing. Well worth repeated viewings.

So the water completely cleans the sherif's badge ?
No paper required at all ?

Voodoomelon · 08-11-2019 11:21am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I would advise that, for the moment, the safest way to shít is to do it the old fashioned way...

in a Tupperware tub and bring it to work.

Deebles McBeebles · 08-11-2019 11:22am

Hector Savage wrote: »

So the water completely cleans the sherif's badge ?
No paper required at all ?

An interesting thought, somewhat clarified in Nialler's link

The washlet can replace toilet paper completely, but many users opt to use both wash and paper in combination—although use of paper may be omitted for cleaning of the vulva. Some wipe before washing, some wash before wiping, some wash only, and some wipe only—each according to his/her preference. Another frequent feature is a blow dryer, often adjustable between 40 °C and 60 °C, used to dry the washed areas.[15]

08-11-2019 11:24am

Hector Savage wrote: »

So the water completely cleans the sherif's badge ?
No paper required at all ?

Nope, full wash and dry service. Surely the environmentalists would be in favour of these developments. How many rainforests are chopped down to clean our hoops?

JohnnyFlash · 08-11-2019 11:29am

The Toto features an ‘unpleasant odour’ button which dispenses a rather pungent and chemical smelling fragrance to mask the foul and beastly smell of toxic arse gravy. It also features a modesty button which when pressed plays a piece of audio that sounds like a toilet flushing. This means you can drop your guts in peace, knowing that the dude in the next cubicle can’t hear you drop the anchor in Brown Water Bay.

Some of the earlier generations got too clever and attempted to use sensors to find your sheriff’s badge so they could start shouting tepid water at it to assist in cleanup operations. Wasn’t hugely accurate and if you stood up quickly from the seat then a thin jet of water would shoot out of the toilet and onto your comfort fit chinos. Not great.

The new ones feature a ‘joystick’ which allows the pooper to control the velocity, temperature and angle of the water stream used to return the balloon knot to ISO standards.

Deebles McBeebles · 08-11-2019 11:39am

Slightly disturbing

Washlet Syndrome

The repetitive use of a "type water jet on a high-pressure setting for an enema, can weaken the capability for self-evacuation of the Washlet user, which can lead to more serious constipation."[23] If a Washlet high-pressure water jet is used on the anus repeatedly, it may cause excessive cleanliness, prompting other bacteria to adhere around the anus, causing skin disease (inflammation) around the anus. Some proctologists in Japan have named this "Washlet Syndrome" (ウォシュレット症候群 woshuretto shoukougun) or "Warm-water toilet seat Syndrome" (温水便座症候群 on-sui ben-za shoukougun). [24][25]

NeinNeinNein · 08-11-2019 11:53am

If proctologists weren't so lazy, they would get to work on finding a cure for this 'excessive cleanliness'.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments