He takes forever to txt back

tara73 · 04-11-2019 01:02PM

sorry OP, but this kind of expectations would make me run pretty quickly from a new developing relationship.

I presum you're pretty young but nevertheless, as others pointed out, your expectations or perceptions are not healthy. Your thread title says: He takes forever to text back, when starting reading it I thought we are talking about days but ti's 1-2 hours which is bothering you.:eek: That's completely out of scale!

That's just enough time to get some basic needs done when coming home, like going to the loo, maybe washing yourself a bit, getting or even preparing something to eat, eating that, coming down a bit from the day in general.

Yes, you do come across as very needy and controlling with your expectations, as said, not everyone is glued to their phone and likes texting constantly. If you want to have healthy and noncontrollable reltaionships (not just romantic ones, friendships in general) you need to relax and be tolerable when peoples attitudes differ to yours.

Porklife · 04-11-2019 01:18PM

bitofabind wrote: »

And in that case it wouldn't work for you, you'd be incompatible in your needs and expectations in a relationship and could each go on your merry way.

I'm using the call after work as an example of what may work for the OP. I could be totally off the mark though and maybe phone calls haven't been a thing between them. The point is, outline your needs but be willing to compromise on something that works for both parties. If the willingness to work with you isn't there and it's a blanket "stop being so needy and back off", there's clearly no future there.

Any significant ex that I've had, I communicated with every day. We checked in with each other and there was regular phone calls. There was no "why isn't he texting back, is he interested" blah blah. I was never painted as unreasonable and in turn, it didn't matter if one of us had a particularly busy day every so often, as I had that foundation of assurance that he'd always be in touch on a regular interval. Without that foundation, it's very hard to build trust and move forward with someone.

I think when it’s right and you’re truly compatible with somebody there is no maybe I shouldn’t message him or I wonder if I’ll hear from him today. When it works it simply works.
If I’m into someone I’m always happy to hear from them too and never consider them needy for contacting me. It’s just the idea of ‘having’ to check in with somebody or being asked
outright to message someone that I wouldn’t like.
I think in the case of the OP their communication styles are not compatible and he isn’t playing ball despite her letting him know it bothers her – defo not a good sign. If I knew something
bothered my OH I wouldn’t continue to do it as the last thing I want is to upset or bother my OH.

Beechwoodspark · 04-11-2019 01:19PM

Esse85 wrote: »

Absolutely shocking advice.

OP don't follow this advice, particularly the second piece.

What’s shocking about it?

At least the second option is being clear and upfront and honest?

bitofabind · 04-11-2019 01:54PM

Porklife wrote: »

I think when it’s right and you’re truly compatible with somebody there is no maybe I shouldn’t message him or I wonder if I’ll hear from him today. When it works it simply works.
If I’m into someone I’m always happy to hear from them too and never consider them needy for contacting me. It’s just the idea of ‘having’ to check in with somebody or being asked
outright to message someone that I wouldn’t like.
I think in the case of the OP their communication styles are not compatible and he isn’t playing ball despite her letting him know it bothers her – defo not a good sign. If I knew something
bothered my OH I wouldn’t continue to do it as the last thing I want is to upset or bother my OH.

I agree with this. If there's a mutual interest and both want the same thing, i.e a relationship, the effort tends to be mutual and you meet in the middle on this stuff. There's no anxiety about communication styles and if you're at cross purposes, it tends to get ironed out quickly because you're both invested.

Boiled down to simple terms, OP: it shouldn't be this hard. I often find, when one side isn't really invested and the other is, there's this kind of push-pull dynamic where the invested person gets even more antsy about communication and that drives the other person further away. It can be a really unhealthy and hurtful dynamic.

That's why I'm always of the "communicate your needs" school of thought. If you need something in a relationship, throw it out there as early as possible, so you can walk away if it's not going to be possible from them.

skallywag · 04-11-2019 02:40PM

Beechwoodspark wrote: »

Another option is to be completely clear and tell him u find his reply delays totally unacceptable, rude, etc. see if he falls into line.

If someone told me this off the back of a one hour time gap in answering IMs then I would be happy to be rid of them to be honest with you.

Beechwoodspark · 04-11-2019 02:42PM

skallywag wrote: »

If someone told me this off the back of a one hour time gap in answering IMs then I would be happy to be rid of them to be honest with you.

I’m not the person who feels that way. I hardly ever IM or text. But if it’s such a huge issue for the person then no harm being honest

Esse85 · 04-11-2019 03:31PM

Beechwoodspark wrote: »

What’s shocking about it?

At least the second option is being clear and upfront and honest?

Skallywag answered it already.

TheHairyMenace · 04-11-2019 04:02PM

Despite all the segwaying in this thread the point is that the OP is clearly not happy with the level of contact and the apparent lack of interest it indicates.

Either there's some middle ground here or you're not suited. Or you're willing to endure the ongoing frustration this is obviously causing you.

I think it's a tiny thing to ask someone to at least acknowledge a text message. And really if a person can't be bothered to make such a small effort then what good can you really expect of them when something bigger is required?

lawred2 · 04-11-2019 04:04PM

sallyanne12 wrote: »

I wouldn't have any issue with the speed of texts. However what I'd worry about is
you saying "he's said he can see me being his girlfriend"
If he really wanted you to be his girlfriend he'd ask, he wouldn't be imagining it...

I don't get this reasoning

skallywag · 04-11-2019 05:26PM

Beechwoodspark wrote: »

...But if it’s such a huge issue for the person then no harm being honest

If they have any interest in actually moving forward with this person then your suggested approach is pretty useless.

If, on the other hand, they want to finish things anyway, then your suggestion is a fine one.

skallywag · 04-11-2019 05:30PM

TheHairyMenace wrote: »

I think it's a tiny thing to ask someone to at least acknowledge a text message.

If it's something along the lines of 'x has had an accident, call me ASAP' then sure, I'm with you. On the other hand if it is more 'I did x, y , and z today blah' then I do not see why I should be acknowledging that right away, and why a response an hour later should be any issue.

TheHairyMenace · 04-11-2019 05:36PM

skallywag wrote: »

If it's something along the lines of 'x has had an accident, call me ASAP' then sure, I'm with you. On the other hand if it is more 'I did x, y , and z today blah' then I do not see why I should be acknowledging that right away, and why a response an hour later should be any issue.

In a long-term relationship I'd agree with you but form what the OP has said this appears to be something new(-ish). In that case, my own experience has been that I am so enamoured with this new person I'm dating that I reply before I even think about it.

Obviously we're not all the same and I hate what's different to me

(j/k!)

Calypso Realm · 05-11-2019 01:48AM

bitofabind wrote: »

I hate relationship advice that basically says "your needs are wrong. Stop being unreasonable and ignore them. Instead, do this totally game-playing thing to test your partner and see how he responds".

Personally, I don't see what you refer to as game-playing as that at all! It's a way of judging people by their actions as opposed to their words. Folk can say all sorts of things (and they do!) but at the end of the day, it's only their actions that count. For instance in the context of this thread, if OP's guys failed to text her back on his own accord, well that would speak volumes to me!

qwerty13 · 05-11-2019 02:43AM

On some level I possibly agree Calypso. But setting someone up with a test that they’re not aware of just feels crappy

Dr. Bre · 05-11-2019 03:09AM

If he says he can see you being his GF then that ain’t very charming..

Goodoldday1 · 05-11-2019 03:13AM

HE can see you as a girlfriend him don't even give him your time hes a fool get rid I'm in the o off why did I marry him your better then I can see u AS no no don't fall x good luck

TheHairyMenace · 05-11-2019 11:21AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

On some level I possibly agree Calypso. But setting someone up with a test that they’re not aware of just feels crappy

I agree setting someone up for a "test" is childish idiocy. Either talk to him or dump him.

lawred2 · 05-11-2019 11:41AM

Goodoldday1 wrote: »

HE can see you as a girlfriend him don't even give him your time hes a fool get rid I'm in the o off why did I marry him your better then I can see u AS no no don't fall x good luck

what?

lawred2 · 05-11-2019 11:43AM

Dr. Bre wrote: »

If he says he can see you being his GF then that ain’t very charming..

As you see it - what's the exact problem with saying that?

TheHairyMenace · 05-11-2019 11:58AM

lawred2 wrote: »

As you see it - what's the exact problem with saying that?

I think it's that he's talking about her as his gf in some possible future scenario. He's not talking about her as his gf right now.

Which suggests that maybe he doesn't see her as his gf at all.

Whether that means there's no interest on his part or he hasn't arrived at that revelation yet there seems to be an incongruity between what the OP sees and what this guy sees.

lawred2 · 05-11-2019 12:00PM

TheHairyMenace wrote: »

I think it's that he's talking about her as his gf in some possible future scenario. He's not talking about her as his gf right now.

Which suggests that maybe he doesn't see her as his gf at all.

Whether that means there's no interest on his part or he hasn't arrived at that revelation yet there seems to be an incongruity between what the OP sees and what this guy sees.

fair enough but that sort of disparity in thought is only cleared up by talking to someone...

and not by text message

Someone here thinks that the best response to that statement is to 'dump the fool' - without even talking to him.

It's little wonder some people end up endless unhappy with such self destructive behaviour.

TheHairyMenace · 05-11-2019 12:05PM

lawred2 wrote: »

fair enough but that sort of disparity in thought is only cleared up by talking to someone...

and not by text message

Someone here thinks that the best response to that statement is to 'dump the fool' - without even talking to him.

It's little wonder some people end up endless unhappy with such self destructive behaviour.

I completely agree with you on these points. At the very least a conversation is needed.

But my own view is that the OP and her current partner are not in the same headspace regarding their relationship.

leggo · 05-11-2019 04:59PM

lawred2 wrote: »

fair enough but that sort of disparity in thought is only cleared up by talking to someone...

and not by text message

Someone here thinks that the best response to that statement is to 'dump the fool' - without even talking to him.

It's little wonder some people end up endless unhappy with such self destructive behaviour.

Is it a thing this week where, no matter what the topic is, people come into the thread and say “Yeah but I hate texting”?!

The big flaw in this is that it’s not acknowledging what the person OP is seeing is communicating to them. They’re saying, loud and clear by using the future tense, that they don’t currently see them as relationship material. That’s literally what they said. It’s a weird thing to say to someone you’ve been dating that long and that’s a communication in itself.

Also communicated in it is that the person, while not actually committing, will tell OP a version of what they want to hear. So they’re happy to fob them off, which is why people are saying it’s disrespectful, and their word can’t then be trusted because another way of saying what they said is “I don’t see you as relationship material currently” and they chose the deceptive way.

By getting back into it, OP would basically be just having the same conversation again in the hope that the outcome would be different. Now they absolutely can do that if they like. But I’m not sure it’s a smart enough plan for you to patronisingly suggest that this is why people here have unhealthy relationships. I don’t think “badgering someone until they say what you want” is the secret sauce to a healthy relationship tbh, but maybe that’s just me. OP has enough to go on here if she wants. Healthy communication doesn’t mean having to spell out every little interaction, emotionally intelligent people can pick up on this stuff without it needing to be spelled out.

TheHairyMenace · 05-11-2019 05:07PM

leggo wrote: »

I don’t think “badgering someone until they say what you want” is the secret sauce to a healthy relationship tbh, but maybe that’s just me. OP has enough to go on here if she wants. Healthy communication doesn’t mean having to spell out every little interaction, emotionally intelligent people can pick up on this stuff without it needing to be spelled out.

My gawd! Could it be that simple!

Well said Leggo.

lawred2 · 05-11-2019 09:03PM

leggo wrote: »

Is it a thing this week where, no matter what the topic is, people come into the thread and say “Yeah but I hate texting”?!

The big flaw in this is that it’s not acknowledging what the person OP is seeing is communicating to them. They’re saying, loud and clear by using the future tense, that they don’t currently see them as relationship material. That’s literally what they said. It’s a weird thing to say to someone you’ve been dating that long and that’s a communication in itself.

Also communicated in it is that the person, while not actually committing, will tell OP a version of what they want to hear. So they’re happy to fob them off, which is why people are saying it’s disrespectful, and their word can’t then be trusted because another way of saying what they said is “I don’t see you as relationship material currently” and they chose the deceptive way.

By getting back into it, OP would basically be just having the same conversation again in the hope that the outcome would be different. Now they absolutely can do that if they like. But I’m not sure it’s a smart enough plan for you to patronisingly suggest that this is why people here have unhealthy relationships. I don’t think “badgering someone until they say what you want” is the secret sauce to a healthy relationship tbh, but maybe that’s just me. OP has enough to go on here if she wants. Healthy communication doesn’t mean having to spell out every little interaction, emotionally intelligent people can pick up on this stuff without it needing to be spelled out.

While I actually agree with you - the bit about people having unhealthy relationships was with regards to the "dump the fool" contribution not to anything the OP said.

I don't think the OP needs to get into anything beyond "what is it that you see me as"? If the OP doesn't like that answer then fine, tell him that that's that.

But just summarily dumping him is terrible advice.

leggo · 05-11-2019 09:16PM

I get what you’re saying, but if I said to a girl “I see you as a potential future girlfriend” and a few days later she asked me again how I see things with us, I’d be like “I literally just told you.” She’s got her answer like, the conversation has been had. And if she can’t ask him again then the only other move is to just accept it and keep going (when she’s on PI because she’s not happy already), ask him to get with her or accept it and go her own way. So I think that’s where people are coming from there.

zapper55 · 05-11-2019 09:24PM

If you've been seeing him a few months and while he sees you have girlfriend potential but aren't his girlfriend it's pretty likely you will never be his girlfriend.

Sounds like he's not just dating you but hasn't yet met someone that he'd be exclusive for.

Beechwoodspark · 05-11-2019 09:25PM

If he hasn’t committed after months it tells its own story OP

wiggle16 · 06-11-2019 02:14AM

Mod note:

Posters are reminded to have advice for the OP when posting. General discussion tends to meander away from the OP's issue so it should be avoided.

Thanks

Katgurl · 09-11-2019 12:11AM

He doesn't really take forever to text back. The problem is you don't know why he takes a while to text back. You don't know where you stand with him.

Personally I would just stop texting him and initiating text conversations. If he's interested he will make the effort. If you don't hear from him then you know where you stand.

He takes forever to txt back

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