He takes forever to txt back

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a guy a few months and things are going pretty well. He seems to really like me, we spend a lot of time together, and he's said he can see me being his girlfriend.

The thing is, he takes hours at a time to reply to my txts. I mean if he was at work ok, but he'll just be at home and take 1 to 2 hours to respond to me. It makes me feel unimportant or like he's up to something else or talking to someone else.

I spoke to him about it today on the phone (in the least needy way possible, I made it sort of casual like "hey, why do you take so long to txt back?!" and he told me he really doesn't mean to do it, he really likes me, etc.. He said one of the nights he just fell asleep. But tonight he's doing it again.

Am I totally over-reacting with this or am I right to be concerned?

TheHairyMenace

forevertotxt wrote: »

I've been seeing a guy a few months and things are going pretty well. He seems to really like me, we spend a lot of time together, and he's said he can see me being his girlfriend.

The thing is, he takes hours at a time to reply to my txts. I mean if he was at work ok, but he'll just be at home and take 1 to 2 hours to respond to me. It makes me feel unimportant or like he's up to something else or talking to someone else.

I spoke to him about it today on the phone (in the least needy way possible, I made it sort of casual like "hey, why do you take so long to txt back?!" and he told me he really doesn't mean to do it, he really likes me, etc.. He said one of the nights he just fell asleep. But tonight he's doing it again.

Am I totally over-reacting with this or am I right to be concerned?

"he's said he can see me being his girlfriend"

So you're not his gf but you are dating.

You're both on different levels. He thinks this might become something whereas you think it already is something. In that context taking forever to reply isn't a problem for him but it's a problem for you.

It's a question of how important this is to you, is it a dealbreaker or not?

Personally I tend to think that the stage you're at is the halycon period in a relationship. You can't stop thinking about the other person. Also it takes a minute to respond to a message, even just to say "I'm busy right now but will get back later".

The fact that you're in the halcyon stage and yet he doesn't seem to care about responding in a timely manner would not fill me with confidence.

Johnny Sausage

Well this Is a massive overreaction

Some people arent attached to their phone?

Could have it on silent and not notice it while doing something else?

You come across a bit needy with "taking forever to text" when it's just a mountain out of a molehill

GarIT

I wouldn't worry about it. Some people just don't like to text as much. I wouldn't like to date someone who had expectations on when I check my phone. Sometimes I go out, watch something or play something and don't check my phone for 6 hours, other times I reply within a minute. If I was home from work after a long Friday I'd ignore a text until Saturday.

sallyanne12

I wouldn't have any issue with the speed of texts. However what I'd worry about is
you saying "he's said he can see me being his girlfriend"
If he really wanted you to be his girlfriend he'd ask, he wouldn't be imagining it...

Augme

Aa said not everyone is glued to there phone. I don't like texting and generally avoid getting into long conversations on it. OP you do come across as being quite needy if you feel the need to hear from him all the time. While you can phrase it to me as subtly and non-confrontational as you like, it still comes across the exact same way "give me attention all the time and if you don't, I won't be happy".

As for the just at home part. When I'm just at home I'm normally watching something I want to watch in tv. This means I want to pay attention to what I am watching, not have to text my way through it or pause every few minutes. Very same if I am watching sports or a movie in the evening, or if I'm reading a book. All these things I'll put my phone down and ignore it because I am busy.

cannotlogin

You are overreacting.....significantly overreacting, especially when it's 1-2 hours.

You should be glad he has his own life and better things to do than be clued to his phone. The fact you say it makes you feel unimportant is worrying, you shouldn't be relying on a timely response from a guy you only know a short while to make you feel important.

Your reaction and behaviour sounds very excessive in relation to a "maybe boyfriend". Are you too emotionally invested at such an early stage?

Ursus Horribilis

How long is "a few months" and how often do you see each other? Like some of the others, I'd be more concerned about him seeing you as possibly being his girlfriend. Why the hesitation about making things official? It's not as if asking someone to be a boyfriend/girlfriend is a marriage proposal. Are you seeing anybody else? Is he?

joeguevara

Has he read the texts and didn't respond or is it he hasn't seen them? Also did the text require a response?

Main thing is you brought it up and it still happened. If it is an issue for you then it will continue to be. But maybe it's time to relax.if he is nice let it progress. Sounds like the biggest thing for you is you don't know where you stand.

fineso.mom

You say he said he can see you being his girlfriend...what about you? Can you see him being your boyfriend? You dont have to be passively waiting for him to decide. If you want it to be official have a conversation and make a decision. A few months is plenty of time if ye see each other a lot as you said.
Taking time to answer texts is not a big deal but are you always the one to text first?

leggo

Stock response to whenever this comes up: this is a compatibility issue. Some people will react saying you're dead right, some will say you're needy for wanting regular texts. Neither are right/wrong. We all have our own individual needs in this respect and there's no one size fits all solution, it's ridiculous to think there is and the most regular bit of advice trotted out ("Don't be needy and want this") is also the most unhealthy, anti-intimacy advice if having a secure relationship is your end goal. It's fine to like regular contact and intimacy. But acknowledge that that's something you like then and stop chasing someone who doesn't give it to you. That's totally counter-productive. It's like wanting pizza and ordering Chinese then wondering why they didn't give you pizza.

strandroad

I wouldn't worry about texting, some people are glued to their phones some drop them the moment they are at home.

I would very much worry that after a few months he is still not at all sure if he wants you to be his girlfriend. What are you waiting for exactly? Are you even exclusive?

nkl12xtw5goz70

OP, nothing irritates me more than an expectation that I should respond immediately to messages. I don't want to be a slave to a constantly pinging phone. Everyone who matters knows to phone me if they want something urgently.

That said, if you've been going out a few months and spending lots of time together, you need to know where you stand. If he's unwilling to see you as his girlfriend by this stage, it might be time to move on.

skallywag

A reaction like this would really annoy me personally.

Sometimes I'm in the mood to chat on the phone and I will immediately reply, and chat might get going for an hour or more. Other times I would see the phone light up on the table and just ignore it for an hour or more while I continue to read, watch TV, etc. I do not think that it is unreasonable to wait an hour or more to reply, assuming it is something pretty innocuous and not something requiring immediate attention.

bitofabind

If a guy hadn’t committed to a relationship with me after a few moths of dating and that was combined with a lack of regular contact, I’d be reading the signs and moving on tbh.

Some people aren’t texters and that’s totally fine. You usually know when that’s the case with someone though and if they’re on the same page as you, they’ll make up for that in other ways - regular phone calls and expressing their intentions clearly, for example.

If neither of those were forthcoming, you need to look at your own needs and the reality of the situation at hand. You clearly want a relationship and need regular communication OP - totally fine to want those things. But you demonstratedly will not get those needs met from this man.

Calypso Realm

bitofabind wrote: »

If a guy hadn’t committed to a relationship with me after a few moths of dating and that was combined with a lack of regular contact, I’d be reading the signs and moving on tbh. .

Agree completely. Guys know very early on if someone is girlfriend material. Like others I would be more concerned about his hesitancy here in that it sounds to me he's unsure of you/ his feelings for you! Sorry OP but you need to be mindful of this.

Actually, in addition if I were you I'd lay off completely with the texts, stop initiating contact and see how/if he responds. Might be interesting!

Ursus Horribilis

All this terminology that goes along with modern dating (exclusivity etc.) gives some people an awful lot of leeway when it comes to keeping their options open. When, after you've dated for a while, you hear people saying things like they can see you as their girlfriend, it's fair to be asking where exactly you stand. Why are you not his girlfriend at this stage and would you like to be? If the shoe was on the other foot, would you be happy to call this guy your boyfriend?

I don't see what the big deal about being someone's boyfriend/girlfriend after you've been dating for a while. It's a meaningless title if you think about it. A girlfriend/boyfriend can walk away from the relationship at any time. Is part of being in a relationship not checking to see how compatible you actually are? If he's hesitant about making things official between you, I think you need to seriously reconsider what you want here. Either this guy is a commitment-phobe or he's keeping his options open. Is either good enough for you?

tomwaits48

sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but this does come across as a little needy, some people don't like the interruptions of texts, and it would be a warning flag in my circle of friends (both male and female) in the context of an early enough courtship.

Wanderer78

Jesus modern tech really is a disaster in these circumstances, it can take me hours, sometimes days to respond to people, and a lot of the time, I'm just uncontactable, phones really are a pain in the hole, mine spends most of its life on silent. Op, just go with the flow, don't over think and enjoy it

Ursus Horribilis

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Jesus modern tech really is a disaster in these circumstances, it can take me hours, sometimes days to respond to people, and a lot of the time, I'm just uncontactable, phones really are a pain in the hole, mine spends most of its life on silent. Op, just go with the flow, don't over think and enjoy it

That's not a good attitude to have either. You must irritate the life out of people who genuinely need to contact you about something important. We had a family emergency a few years ago and the person who most needed to be kept in the loop wasn't seen for 3 days because they'd stuck their phone in a bag on silent and couldn't be bothered checking it.

Beechwoodspark

One thing You could do is go silent and see how long it takes for him to contact u. It will give you an idea of where you stand with him.

Wanderer78

Ursus Horribilis wrote:

That's not a good attitude to have either. You must irritate the life out of people who genuinely need to contact you about something important. We had a family emergency a few years ago and the person who most needed to be kept in the loop wasn't seen for 3 days because they'd stuck their phone in a bag on silent and couldn't be bothered checking it.

I generally find, problems with my phone, tend to be other people's problems with my phone, I'm contactable during emergencies. this whole contactabilty thing is a relatively new phenomenon, and it isn't good for our mental wellbeing, I do check my phone throughout the day, I'm just not very contactable. I've found people's tolerance is continually falling with modern tech, every question must be answered immediately, in fact, by the time the question appears in their minds, it's actually too late. This behaviour is unhealthy for us, most phone communications are not very important

redfox123

Can’t go by the texting but it’s more does he contact you, as in initiate a conversation and ask to see you etc, or is it you initiating? Sounds like you’re not exclusive and you two are a very casual thing for him but doesn’t want to commit. Stop initiating contact, you don’t want to continue being a thing to fill the time until he meets someone he’d like a relationship with.

leggo

Wanderer78 wrote: »

I generally find, problems with my phone, tend to be other people's problems with my phone, I'm contactable during emergencies. this whole contactabilty thing is a relatively new phenomenon, and it isn't good for our mental wellbeing, I do check my phone throughout the day, I'm just not very contactable. I've found people's tolerance is continually falling with modern tech, every question must be answered immediately, in fact, by the time the question appears in their minds, it's actually too late. This behaviour is unhealthy for us, most phone communications are not very important

People have been dying literally since there has been people, it’s not a new phenomenon to need to contact people in emergencies.

This is getting off-topic anyway. For me I have friends who are similar to the poster above and it’s difficult to maintain the friendship, because I might be able to see them 3-4 times a year (with effort) and being able to have a somewhat coherent conversation in other ways could help that. I just couldn’t be with someone who was like that. For me it screams avoidant who’s clamouring for their personal freedom and fears any kind of intimacy, which is the backbone of any solid relationship. So OP’s thoughts are valid and maybe we should address them as they are instead of trying to force our own values on them.

Esse85

Haven't read the replies.

But is it whatsapp? If it is and you can see he's always online, then I could see why you'd be a little frustrated.

If it's old fashioned text messaging. It's a little less instant.

Just sounds like ye are pulling at different speeds here and a compromise through a conversation will need to be had if it annoys you that much.

Wanderer78

leggo wrote: »

People have been dying literally since there has been people, it’s not a new phenomenon to need to contact people in emergencies.

This is getting off-topic anyway. For me I have friends who are similar to the poster above and it’s difficult to maintain the friendship, because I might be able to see them 3-4 times a year (with effort) and being able to have a somewhat coherent conversation in other ways could help that. I just couldn’t be with someone who was like that. For me it screams avoidant who’s clamouring for their personal freedom and fears any kind of intimacy, which is the backbone of any solid relationship. So OP’s thoughts are valid and maybe we should address them as they are instead of trying to force our own values on them.

and here was i thinking, death was a relatively new thing, i feel stupid!

modern tech seems to be, well, fairly modern. instant communication is a relatively new creation, and some of us are not very well prepared for it, it has a tenancy to overwhelm some of us, to annoy, disrupt. a lot of the information coming from modern communication is just noise, its not helpful, it can in fact be very unhelpful, inducing low level anxiety. the op is in fact experiencing low level anxiety, which is triggering negative thoughts, most mental health professionals would recommend regular disconnection from modern communication tech for these reasons

bitofabind

I hate relationship advice that basically says "your needs are wrong. Stop being unreasonable and ignore them. Instead, do this totally game-playing thing to test your partner and see how he responds".

Your needs are your needs. I don't think expecting to communicate regularly by text every day with someone you've been dating for a few months is demanding or needy. If there's a lack of that and it's from a non-committal guy that is still hmming and hawing about you after several months, I'm not surprised it's triggering anxiety in you.

My suggestion would be to communicate like an adult with him and see if he responds compassionately. "Hey Joe. I know I've mentioned this before. But I feel a bit out of sorts when I text you regularly and don't hear back for hours on end. Can we agree on something a bit more solid, maybe a phone call after work every day?"

If his response is "no and stop being needy", then you're simply not compatible and this relationship has no legs and you can move on.

Beechwoodspark

One option is go radio silence and see how long he takes to contact you.

Another option is to be completely clear and tell him u find his reply delays totally unacceptable, rude, etc. see if he falls into line.

Porklife

bitofabind wrote: »

I hate relationship advice that basically says "your needs are wrong. Stop being unreasonable and ignore them. Instead, do this totally game-playing thing to test your partner and see how he responds".

Your needs are your needs. I don't think expecting to communicate regularly by text every day with someone you've been dating for a few months is demanding or needy. If there's a lack of that and it's from a non-committal guy that is still hmming and hawing about you after several months, I'm not surprised it's triggering anxiety in you.

My suggestion would be to communicate like an adult with him and see if he responds compassionately. "Hey Joe. I know I've mentioned this before. But I feel a bit out of sorts when I text you regularly and don't hear back for hours on end. Can we agree on something a bit more solid, maybe a phone call after work every day?"

If his response is "no and stop being needy", then you're simply not compatible and this relationship has no legs and you can move on.

I usually think you give excellent advice Bitofabind but I strongly disagree with asking for a phonecall after work everyday. If a guy asked me to call him every day after work, I'd honestly be freaked out and would walk away. Nobody has the right to encroach on your time like that. Also, the OP would never know if the guy is calling her because he genuinely wants to talk to her or if he's calling her to keep within her demands.
Often after work people are tired or they may have plans with friends or want to go to the gym or just not feel like talking to their partner or to anyone on the phone. I personally hate talking on the phone and would hate if my boyfriend called me after work.

Esse85

Beechwoodspark wrote: »

One option is go radio silence and see how long he takes to contact you.

Another option is to be completely clear and tell him u find his reply delays totally unacceptable, rude, etc. see if he falls into line.

Absolutely shocking advice.

OP don't follow this advice, particularly the second piece.

bitofabind

Porklife wrote: »

I usually think you give excellent advice Bitofabind but I strongly disagree with asking for a phonecall after work everyday. If a guy asked me to call him every day after work, I'd honestly be freaked out and would walk away. Nobody has the right to encroach on your time like that. Also, the OP would never know if the guy is calling her because he genuinely wants to talk to her or if he's calling her to keep within her demands.
Often after work people are tired or they may have plans with friends or want to go to the gym or just not feel like talking to their partner or to anyone on the phone. I personally hate talking on the phone and would hate if my boyfriend called me after work.

And in that case it wouldn't work for you, you'd be incompatible in your needs and expectations in a relationship and could each go on your merry way.

I'm using the call after work as an example of what may work for the OP. I could be totally off the mark though and maybe phone calls haven't been a thing between them. The point is, outline your needs but be willing to compromise on something that works for both parties. If the willingness to work with you isn't there and it's a blanket "stop being so needy and back off", there's clearly no future there.

Any significant ex that I've had, I communicated with every day. We checked in with each other and there was regular phone calls. There was no "why isn't he texting back, is he interested" blah blah. I was never painted as unreasonable and in turn, it didn't matter if one of us had a particularly busy day every so often, as I had that foundation of assurance that he'd always be in touch on a regular interval. Without that foundation, it's very hard to build trust and move forward with someone.

tara73

sorry OP, but this kind of expectations would make me run pretty quickly from a new developing relationship.

I presum you're pretty young but nevertheless, as others pointed out, your expectations or perceptions are not healthy. Your thread title says: He takes forever to text back, when starting reading it I thought we are talking about days but ti's 1-2 hours which is bothering you.:eek: That's completely out of scale!

That's just enough time to get some basic needs done when coming home, like going to the loo, maybe washing yourself a bit, getting or even preparing something to eat, eating that, coming down a bit from the day in general.

Yes, you do come across as very needy and controlling with your expectations, as said, not everyone is glued to their phone and likes texting constantly. If you want to have healthy and noncontrollable reltaionships (not just romantic ones, friendships in general) you need to relax and be tolerable when peoples attitudes differ to yours.

Porklife

bitofabind wrote: »

And in that case it wouldn't work for you, you'd be incompatible in your needs and expectations in a relationship and could each go on your merry way.

I'm using the call after work as an example of what may work for the OP. I could be totally off the mark though and maybe phone calls haven't been a thing between them. The point is, outline your needs but be willing to compromise on something that works for both parties. If the willingness to work with you isn't there and it's a blanket "stop being so needy and back off", there's clearly no future there.

Any significant ex that I've had, I communicated with every day. We checked in with each other and there was regular phone calls. There was no "why isn't he texting back, is he interested" blah blah. I was never painted as unreasonable and in turn, it didn't matter if one of us had a particularly busy day every so often, as I had that foundation of assurance that he'd always be in touch on a regular interval. Without that foundation, it's very hard to build trust and move forward with someone.

I think when it’s right and you’re truly compatible with somebody there is no maybe I shouldn’t message him or I wonder if I’ll hear from him today. When it works it simply works.
If I’m into someone I’m always happy to hear from them too and never consider them needy for contacting me. It’s just the idea of ‘having’ to check in with somebody or being asked
outright to message someone that I wouldn’t like.
I think in the case of the OP their communication styles are not compatible and he isn’t playing ball despite her letting him know it bothers her – defo not a good sign. If I knew something
bothered my OH I wouldn’t continue to do it as the last thing I want is to upset or bother my OH.

Beechwoodspark

Esse85 wrote: »

Absolutely shocking advice.

OP don't follow this advice, particularly the second piece.

What’s shocking about it?

At least the second option is being clear and upfront and honest?

bitofabind

Porklife wrote: »

I think when it’s right and you’re truly compatible with somebody there is no maybe I shouldn’t message him or I wonder if I’ll hear from him today. When it works it simply works.
If I’m into someone I’m always happy to hear from them too and never consider them needy for contacting me. It’s just the idea of ‘having’ to check in with somebody or being asked
outright to message someone that I wouldn’t like.
I think in the case of the OP their communication styles are not compatible and he isn’t playing ball despite her letting him know it bothers her – defo not a good sign. If I knew something
bothered my OH I wouldn’t continue to do it as the last thing I want is to upset or bother my OH.

I agree with this. If there's a mutual interest and both want the same thing, i.e a relationship, the effort tends to be mutual and you meet in the middle on this stuff. There's no anxiety about communication styles and if you're at cross purposes, it tends to get ironed out quickly because you're both invested.

Boiled down to simple terms, OP: it shouldn't be this hard. I often find, when one side isn't really invested and the other is, there's this kind of push-pull dynamic where the invested person gets even more antsy about communication and that drives the other person further away. It can be a really unhealthy and hurtful dynamic.

That's why I'm always of the "communicate your needs" school of thought. If you need something in a relationship, throw it out there as early as possible, so you can walk away if it's not going to be possible from them.

skallywag

Beechwoodspark wrote: »

Another option is to be completely clear and tell him u find his reply delays totally unacceptable, rude, etc. see if he falls into line.

If someone told me this off the back of a one hour time gap in answering IMs then I would be happy to be rid of them to be honest with you.

Beechwoodspark

skallywag wrote: »

If someone told me this off the back of a one hour time gap in answering IMs then I would be happy to be rid of them to be honest with you.

I’m not the person who feels that way. I hardly ever IM or text. But if it’s such a huge issue for the person then no harm being honest

Esse85

Beechwoodspark wrote: »

What’s shocking about it?

At least the second option is being clear and upfront and honest?

Skallywag answered it already.

TheHairyMenace

Despite all the segwaying in this thread the point is that the OP is clearly not happy with the level of contact and the apparent lack of interest it indicates.

Either there's some middle ground here or you're not suited. Or you're willing to endure the ongoing frustration this is obviously causing you.

I think it's a tiny thing to ask someone to at least acknowledge a text message. And really if a person can't be bothered to make such a small effort then what good can you really expect of them when something bigger is required?

lawred2

sallyanne12 wrote: »

I wouldn't have any issue with the speed of texts. However what I'd worry about is
you saying "he's said he can see me being his girlfriend"
If he really wanted you to be his girlfriend he'd ask, he wouldn't be imagining it...

I don't get this reasoning

skallywag

Beechwoodspark wrote: »

...But if it’s such a huge issue for the person then no harm being honest

If they have any interest in actually moving forward with this person then your suggested approach is pretty useless.

If, on the other hand, they want to finish things anyway, then your suggestion is a fine one.

skallywag

TheHairyMenace wrote: »

I think it's a tiny thing to ask someone to at least acknowledge a text message.

If it's something along the lines of 'x has had an accident, call me ASAP' then sure, I'm with you. On the other hand if it is more 'I did x, y , and z today blah' then I do not see why I should be acknowledging that right away, and why a response an hour later should be any issue.

TheHairyMenace

skallywag wrote: »

If it's something along the lines of 'x has had an accident, call me ASAP' then sure, I'm with you. On the other hand if it is more 'I did x, y , and z today blah' then I do not see why I should be acknowledging that right away, and why a response an hour later should be any issue.

In a long-term relationship I'd agree with you but form what the OP has said this appears to be something new(-ish). In that case, my own experience has been that I am so enamoured with this new person I'm dating that I reply before I even think about it.

Obviously we're not all the same and I hate what's different to me (j/k!)

Calypso Realm

bitofabind wrote: »

I hate relationship advice that basically says "your needs are wrong. Stop being unreasonable and ignore them. Instead, do this totally game-playing thing to test your partner and see how he responds".

Personally, I don't see what you refer to as game-playing as that at all! It's a way of judging people by their actions as opposed to their words. Folk can say all sorts of things (and they do!) but at the end of the day, it's only their actions that count. For instance in the context of this thread, if OP's guys failed to text her back on his own accord, well that would speak volumes to me!

qwerty13

On some level I possibly agree Calypso. But setting someone up with a test that they’re not aware of just feels crappy

Dr. Bre

If he says he can see you being his GF then that ain’t very charming..

Goodoldday1

HE can see you as a girlfriend him don't even give him your time hes a fool get rid I'm in the o off why did I marry him your better then I can see u AS no no don't fall x good luck

TheHairyMenace

qwerty13 wrote: »

On some level I possibly agree Calypso. But setting someone up with a test that they’re not aware of just feels crappy

I agree setting someone up for a "test" is childish idiocy. Either talk to him or dump him.

lawred2

Goodoldday1 wrote: »

HE can see you as a girlfriend him don't even give him your time hes a fool get rid I'm in the o off why did I marry him your better then I can see u AS no no don't fall x good luck

what?

lawred2

Dr. Bre wrote: »

If he says he can see you being his GF then that ain’t very charming..

As you see it - what's the exact problem with saying that?

TheHairyMenace

lawred2 wrote: »

As you see it - what's the exact problem with saying that?

I think it's that he's talking about her as his gf in some possible future scenario. He's not talking about her as his gf right now.

Which suggests that maybe he doesn't see her as his gf at all.

Whether that means there's no interest on his part or he hasn't arrived at that revelation yet there seems to be an incongruity between what the OP sees and what this guy sees.