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huge crush on my coworker

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13

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    #62
    milli milli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭milli milli


    When you’re feeling neglected in a relationship/marriage, it is very easy to develop crushes on other people, however inappropriate.
    That’s what I see here - I’m not sure why a lot of people are in disbelief at this.
    That’s how affairs usually start anyway.

    I’m not condoning the OP’s behaviour, just pointing out that when you’re starved of attention, these things tend to happen.

    Not sure what advice I’d have for you, OP. You really need to look at the relationship with your husband and see if there’s anything worth salvaging.
    I haven’t read your other (separate) threads so can’t comment on them.

    You know if your situation is making you feel ‘old’ at the young age of 31, then you need to re-evaluate what’s happening in your life.


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    #63
    dvdman1
    Registered Users Posts: 512 ✭✭✭dvdman1


    1st off ignore the work guy, that wont offer you anything and certainly wont change your life. Actually it has the ability to make you more miserable.

    Take control of your life, change your job..what about the husband working? Get out of your comfort zone, go on family weekend breaks, do new stuff camp with the family all cycle together..

    A round of marriage counselling may do you good too, make sure you do at least 1 positive thing for hubby everyday, you'll be suprised that eventually it'll be reciprocal.

    One poster said life is hard..hes right...Put your family first thats the kids no1 then hubby n you..thinking of yourself constantly is not the road to happiness
    Take pride in good deeds, break the routine up..create new routines.


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    #64
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    The co-worker thing is just yet another manifestation of the fact that you are not happy with your life, but you’re continuing to blame someone else for that.

    Yes, your father was an idiot (based on what you’ve said here / been told)
    Yes, your mother isn’t exactly maternal
    Yes, you seem to be in a joyless marriage
    Yes, your colleague was a tipsy flirty eejit.

    BUT - you have the power to move on. To accept reality, and stop obsessing over it, or trying to thinking that a stupid flirtation with a colleague would fix it.

    I’m the product of a mother who refused to move on. Who dragged me into her past. As if I wasn’t aware from a very early age that something was wrong. You need to think about this. It’s not just about what you want. You are letting this seep (very obviously) into your relationship. It can only be a matter of time before your kids pick up on the tension. Personally, that was 3.5 years of age for me.

    I genuinely don’t say this unkindly, but your problem is you. You can’t change your past, no matter how much you continue to obsess over it. You can change your future though - and that is in your control.


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    #65
    tomwaits48
    Registered Users Posts: 861 ✭✭✭tomwaits48


    Your poor husband.


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    #66
    Laurali
    Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭Laurali


    You need to take responsibility for the things you can control and turn the victim mentality around. Cheating or pursuing an affair with a 25 year old when you have a family at home is never going to work out. If you are unhappy with your relationship, put the effort in to fix it or move away from it - And don't forget your children come first in all of this.


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    #67
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    tomwaits48 wrote: »
    Your poor husband.
    Laurali wrote: »
    I am struggling to believe that you are the same age as me.

    Mod:

    If you don't have advice for the OP, then don't post. Throwaway comments like the above aren't helpful or constructive.


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    #68
    lastusername
    Registered Users Posts: 338 ✭✭lastusername


    Everyone is rushing to comment on the OP's behaviour. What we've all been taught to do and conditioned to do is to look at the behaviour as the starting point.

    Everyone acts on what feels real to them, what they feel they should do based on how the world looks to them. This is not excusing wrongdoing (no, you really shouldn't cheat), but just looking at what thoughts might be driving what's going on is a more useful starting point.

    If you think about it, how helpful is it to say to the OP that "the problem is you"; "you have a problem and need to sort it out", etc.

    Flip it around and ask how useful it would be to hear someone else say that to you, in any situation. Do we really believe that the OP doesn't realise that her behaviour isn't helping her?! :)

    The OP has certain thinking about her life, her husband, her family and situation. If she can sit with the idea that these are just thoughts, and she doesn't need to follow and be led by each one of them - or any of them - that's when some wiser insights may open up for her.

    Not every thought means something. Not every thought is something to act upon, or read meaning into.

    When your mind quietens down and emerges from its tangle of thoughts, THAT tends to be only when you can get some clarity on what needs to be done, and on what doesn't matter all that much after all.


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    #69
    monty_python
    Registered Users Posts: 1,671 ✭✭✭monty_python


    <snipped>


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    #70
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Mod warning:

    If you don't have advice for the OP, don't post.

    Any further jabs at the OP and cards will be handed out.


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    #71
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

    Why is it only women who must do this and not men?
    What do you mean? Countless men have done what the OP has done forever and the vast majority managed to not go after a young coworker and blow up their family life.

    The OP's husband is also a case study in what happens to a stay at home dad. He is totally emasculated and no longer attractive to the OP.


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    #72
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Also would wonder about the whole idea of going away with work colleagues on a holiday. How many married men (or women) with young kids do this? Not the ones happily married, that's for sure. Or the ones with high standards of behaviour.


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    #73
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Also would wonder about the whole idea of going away with work colleagues on a holiday. How many married men (or women) with young kids do this? Not the ones happily married, that's for sure. Or the ones with high standards of behaviour.

    We can't afford to go on holiday together as a family so I was only going due to the reduced cost from the group rates.


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    #74
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    milli milli wrote: »
    When you’re feeling neglected in a relationship/marriage, it is very easy to develop crushes on other people, however inappropriate.
    That’s what I see here - I’m not sure why a lot of people are in disbelief at this.
    That’s how affairs usually start anyway.

    I’m not condoning the OP’s behaviour, just pointing out that when you’re starved of attention, these things tend to happen.

    Not sure what advice I’d have for you, OP. You really need to look at the relationship with your husband and see if there’s anything worth salvaging.
    I haven’t read your other (separate) threads so can’t comment on them.

    You know if your situation is making you feel ‘old’ at the young age of 31, then you need to re-evaluate what’s happening in your life.

    I guess I get so bored and sick of our lifestyle that it makes me want to nag. On the weekend I have to get up with the kids while he sleeps in and by the time he's ready to go anywhere I'm fed up and I start nagging. He also uses the weekend as a break from the kids and pulls out his laptop. Then if I even tell him I'm going to the toilet he says I'm nagging but I came back and our son had a battery in his mouth. I was nagging for a good reason and he holds it against me.


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    #75
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    dvdman1 wrote: »
    1st off ignore the work guy, that wont offer you anything and certainly wont change your life. Actually it has the ability to make you more miserable.

    Take control of your life, change your job..what about the husband working? Get out of your comfort zone, go on family weekend breaks, do new stuff camp with the family all cycle together..

    A round of marriage counselling may do you good too, make sure you do at least 1 positive thing for hubby everyday, you'll be suprised that eventually it'll be reciprocal.

    One poster said life is hard..hes right...Put your family first thats the kids no1 then hubby n you..thinking of yourself constantly is not the road to happiness
    Take pride in good deeds, break the routine up..create new routines.

    My husband refuses to work. I don't want to be a stay at home parent but he doesn't ever want to use a creche or childminder so this was our compromise but it effects our marriage and he doesn't care.

    He has a low libido and doesn't flirt with me and doesn't make me feel special. He says he shouldn't have to because we are married etc.


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    #76
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,417 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Round and round in circles you go. To me it sounds like you have no interest in him either.


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    #77
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Boards doesn't provide marriage counselling but I think that's what you both badly need to try it.

    Talking to your husband, or qualified professionals, as opposed to strangers on the internet, is the only thing that can help you.


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    #78
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I don’t understand you. You went on ‘work hol’ knowing that was not enough money for a family hol. So you didn’t you keep the funds for a family wkend, days out, a babysitter???

    Do you ever make your husband feel special? Or is it just you who ‘deserves’to feel that way?


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    #79
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I don’t understand you. You went on ‘work hol’ knowing that was not enough money for a family hol. So you didn’t you keep the funds for a family wkend, days out, a babysitter???

    Do you ever make your husband feel special? Or is it just you who ‘deserves’to feel that way?

    Keep what funds? I imagine work paid for the travel.

    OP. I think your mindset on your husband has to change. By staying home with children he is supporting you. If you need more money, you are the primary earner, you focus on what you need to do to get up that career ladder. You are perfectly set up for it with your support here. Many working women would kill for a stay at home daddy.

    Can you take a course outside work for professional development? Can you apply for another job? I am pretty sure shagging a co-worker won't get you any additional cash. But while your kids are young and your husband is wrecked, you could try to make the most of this situation and develop professionally.


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    #80
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    zapper55 wrote: »
    He could miscontrue pulling a funny face as flirting. Op stay away from him.

    In another thread you've condemned an absent father. Perhaps he did what you are tempted to do and cheated on your mother (seeing as how you don't know the full story).

    If you cheated and your husband left you he could make a strong case for full time carer of the children as he is currently and as your other family relationships are deeply dysfunctional from your descriptions.

    Everything that goes wrong in your life is someone else's fault. Instead of sleeping with a colleague focus on your own marriage. If it's dead then deal with that. Do you really think your children dont pick up on the tension? Let them stay in the current environment and in a few years they'll be as unhappy as you are now. Do you want that?

    That’s a good point the op will lose her kids and have to pay maintenance and negotiate access like men do


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    #81
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    pwurple wrote: »
    Keep what funds? I imagine work paid for the travel. .

    The OP said about going to avail of group rates, so that’s to me as though work didn’t pay. And even so, there’s spending money. Not to mention a husband who is wrecked from the kids already. I just don’t understand that, to me that shows incredible lack of self awareness, especially given the issues the OP has with family


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    #82
    dvdman1
    Registered Users Posts: 512 ✭✭✭dvdman1


    chris525 wrote: »
    My husband refuses to work. I don't want to be a stay at home parent but he doesn't ever want to use a creche or childminder so this was our compromise but it effects our marriage and he doesn't care.

    He has a low libido and doesn't flirt with me and doesn't make me feel special. He says he shouldn't have to because we are married etc.

    What do you do for your husband?


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    #83
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    dvdman1 wrote: »
    What do you do for your husband?

    Good point ..,should the earner be the one to spice things up at home?


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    #84
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    dvdman1 wrote: »
    What do you do for your husband?

    I look after the kids when I get home and on the weekends. I take them to their doctors appointments etc. I do the shopping. I'm their mother after all.

    I never get a break but I give him breaks and he's the one whose constantly tired but I still have energy to do things and to be romantic. He doesn't do all the cleaning either.

    If I got a new job it would substantially increase my commute which would probably not help us at all. Probably make things worse.


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    #85
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I don’t understand you. You went on ‘work hol’ knowing that was not enough money for a family hol. So you didn’t you keep the funds for a family wkend, days out, a babysitter???

    Do you ever make your husband feel special? Or is it just you who ‘deserves’to feel that way?

    I said in a previous post that my husband is not willing to EVER use a babysitter even for us to go on a night out.


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    #86
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    pwurple wrote: »
    Keep what funds? I imagine work paid for the travel.

    OP. I think your mindset on your husband has to change. By staying home with children he is supporting you. If you need more money, you are the primary earner, you focus on what you need to do to get up that career ladder. You are perfectly set up for it with your support here. Many working women would kill for a stay at home daddy.

    Can you take a course outside work for professional development? Can you apply for another job? I am pretty sure shagging a co-worker won't get you any additional cash. But while your kids are young and your husband is wrecked, you could try to make the most of this situation and develop professionally.

    My husband is not willing to live closer to where higher paying jobs are. He's not willing to live in county Dublin so he is partly responsible for this situation. He is limiting us.

    I also want to spend time with my children when I get home.


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    #87
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    chris525 wrote: »
    I said in a previous post that my husband is not willing to EVER use a babysitter even for us to go on a night out.

    Does he have the capilabilty of earning more than you ? Does he like weed?


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    #88
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    The OP said about going to avail of group rates, so that’s to me as though work didn’t pay. And even so, there’s spending money. Not to mention a husband who is wrecked from the kids already. I just don’t understand that, to me that shows incredible lack of self awareness, especially given the issues the OP has with family

    My husband is not completly innocent in this. He's partly responsible for this situation. He refuses to use a babysitter ever, he refuses to work, he refuses to live in county Dublin where I could be paid more etc.


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    #89
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Ash.J.Williams wrote: »
    Does he have the capilabilty of earning more than you ? Does he like weed?

    At this point in time he doesn't have my earning capacity. He hasn't worked in over 5 years. No he doesn't smoke weed or drink alcohol.


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    #90
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    Boards doesn't provide marriage counselling but I think that's what you both badly need to try it.

    Talking to your husband, or qualified professionals, as opposed to strangers on the internet, is the only thing that can help you.


    Agreed. I'm not sure what this thread is going to do for you other than for you to vent. It's obvious that you have very serious issues going on and none of us are equipped to help you. Your family background is messy and some of what you posted in the other threads don't sound like the thoughts of somebody who's in a good place mentally. Your marriage isn't happy either and that's something that needs to be dealt with in real life.

    I think for a start, you need to change the counsellor you've been seeing until now. They don't seem to be giving you the help you need. Take that one small step for a starter. I hope you're not using the internet as "help", rather than proper therapy.


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    #91
    chris525
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Agreed. I'm not sure what this thread is going to do for you other than for you to vent. It's obvious that you have very serious issues going on and none of us are equipped to help you. Your family background is messy and some of what you posted in the other threads don't sound like the thoughts of somebody who's in a good place mentally. Your marriage isn't happy either and that's something that needs to be dealt with in real life.

    I think for a start, you need to change the counsellor you've been seeing until now. They don't seem to be giving you the help you need. Take that one small step for a starter. I hope you're not using the internet as "help", rather than proper therapy.

    I've talked to my husband a thousand times. He won't use a creche or a babysitter ever. No compromising here.

    I've talked to him about it all and he says the same things each time.

    I've seen a number of 'therapists' over the years and none do too much to help. I don't know.


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