huge crush on my coworker

chris525

I'm 31 and married with 2 kids. I work at a small company and I went on holiday with my colleagues last week to Poland.

The colleague that I now have a crush on came with us. He's 25 and Polish. He has a girlfriend. I always thought he was a pleasant colleague as well as pleasant-looking but that was about it. I didn't know him very well and we don't work directly together but he sits in my proximity.

On the first day of the vacation we all went out for dinner and drinks and nothing happened. On the second day I went sightseeing alone and then joined my colleagues for dinner and drinks.

Now on the 2nd day my colleague did some things but it was so casual and insidious I didn't even notice. He had been drinking. He put his arm around me and drew me in closer to him on one occasion and another colleague noticed this. During dinner he put his hand on my knee about 3 times and when we were walking to the nightclub after dinner he put his hand on my lower back. He danced with me but he also danced with the other colleagues as well. I wanted to leave the nightclub early do have a shower and he said to me: "I will shower you." He didn't want me to leave early. He wanted me to stay in the nightclub.

On the 3rd day I was smiling at him all the time and he was smiling back.

Back to work now. The first day back I just couldn't help it - I have a massive crush on him and kept smiling at him when I saw him.

2nd day back - I think he noticed what's going on and has created a bit of emotional distance between us and stopped being so smiley.

Well it's business as usual back at work but I feel so attracted to him! I have a huge crush. It's hard to hide and I feel awkward and uncomfortable I also feel a bit teased; he started this situation himself by showing me attention. I find myself really into him and think of him this way when I'm at work.

Do you think that my colleague was out of line?

Wrongway1985

You were also drinking, you say you didn't really notice this stuff until a colleague had seen it. The blame doesn't seem entirely his you were quite keen to instigate smiles with him.

He is dead right to tone it down you are married with kids. No real harm lusting away but if you are seriously intending on pursuing this man after a few warm minutes abroad you may want to evaluate your life.

chris525

sugarman wrote: »

Sounds like he was just drunk and being flirty to be honest and he came to his senses once he began to sober up.

He's probably embarrassed about his own actions and knows he was in the wrong.

Fair enough. Makes sense but I still have a huge crush on him now.

Metroid diorteM

Work holidays? What the hell is that?

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

Fair enough. Makes sense but I still have a huge crush on him now.

Have you any respect for your husband in all this?

Princess Calla

It was a holiday flirtation, nothing came of it.

Between this and your other threads you seem to overthink and over analyse alot of stuff.

Let it go.

Concentrate on your marriage and kids.

SusieBlue

It sounds like you have more than enough on your plate at the minute between your issues with your mum and paternal grandparents, distract yourself from your cruch by focussing on trying to resolve those issues instead of potentially wrecking your marriage and splitting up your family.

Every time your crush enters your head, think of your husband and son and stop risking your family for a silly work flirtation.

chris525

SusieBlue wrote: »

It sounds like you have more than enough on your plate at the minute between your issues with your mum and paternal grandparents, distract yourself from your cruch by focussing on trying to resolve those issues instead of potentially wrecking your marriage and splitting up your family.

Every time your crush enters your head, think of your husband and son and stop risking your family for a silly work flirtation.

Yes, you're dead right I have a lot of issues.

I guess this flirtation was very exciting to me far moreso than my marriage.

My husband and I have mismatched libidos and it's frustrating as well as other marital problems.

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

Yes, you're dead right I have a lot of issues.

I guess this flirtation was very exciting to me far moreso than my marriage.

My husband and I have mismatched libidos and it's frustrating as well as other marital problems.

Was this polish lad the first fella that has given you a second glance in years? You don’t mention anything about him other than he made a broken English remark about showering you?

Showering you with what?

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Was this polish lad the first fella that has given you a second glance in years? You don’t mention anything about him other than he made a broken English remark about showering you?

Showering you with what?

Yep. He's the first to flirt with me since before I got married. I don't know what he wanted to do about the shower.

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

Yep. He's the first to flirt with me since before I got married. I don't know what he wanted to do about the shower.

Why don’t you do yourself up abit maybe the husbands libido might increase

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Why don’t you do yourself up abit maybe the husbands libido might increase

I can try it but he says it's all due to the kids. He says he's always tired. It's very frustrating.

cannotlogin

Seriously OP, there's a huge amount of hypocrisy going on here.

You're the one who is married. You are the one who has got caught up by the attentions of a younger colleague so stop putting it all on him.

Your other thread talks about the many people in your life that don't respect you or live up to your standards and the importance of standards, yet you seem to have limited respect for your husband or two kids......

There seems to be a lot going on in your life, or at least you seem to be overanalysising everything in your life but you are failing to see your own role and contribution in any of it.

You need to get a good counsellor and start working on all of these things, i.e. why you are so angry with people in your life, why your head is so easily turned by the most minor of possible flirting etc. Just forget about this man and prioritise addressing everything else.

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Have you any respect for your husband in all this?

As I said, we have marital issues and he hasn't always respected my feelings on a number of occasions.

Scarinae

You said you didn't know your colleague very well before the trip - is it possible that he didn't realise you are married with children, and that's why he flirted with you on the trip? You also said your other colleagues noticed, so maybe one of them pulled him aside afterwards and told him you have a husband and children, and that's why he's distancing himself now.

Either way, I think it would be better for you to forget about this work crush and focus on your marriage and your husband, see if you can put some energy into that instead. Maybe you and your husband could go away for a weekend?

chris525

Scarinae wrote: »

You said you didn't know your colleague very well before the trip - is it possible that he didn't realise you are married with children, and that's why he flirted with you on the trip? You also said your other colleagues noticed, so maybe one of them pulled him aside afterwards and told him you have a husband and children, and that's why he's distancing himself now.

Either way, I think it would be better for you to forget about this work crush and focus on your marriage and your husband, see if you can put some energy into that instead. Maybe you and your husband could go away for a weekend?

He doesn't want to ever go away or do anything. He won't hire a babysitter. He said he never wants a stranger watching his children. He's a stay home dad.

I don't agree with it and it frustrates me. I can't do anything about it. No grandparents either.

chris525

Scarinae wrote: »

You said you didn't know your colleague very well before the trip - is it possible that he didn't realise you are married with children, and that's why he flirted with you on the trip? You also said your other colleagues noticed, so maybe one of them pulled him aside afterwards and told him you have a husband and children, and that's why he's distancing himself now.

Either way, I think it would be better for you to forget about this work crush and focus on your marriage and your husband, see if you can put some energy into that instead. Maybe you and your husband could go away for a weekend?

I remember having a conversation with this colleague a long time ago and I mentioned my kids. Maybe he forgot because it was so long ago? I can't remember if he was working there or not before I went on maternity leave. He was definitely there when I came back.

qwerty13

You are being utterly ridiculous.

I’m sorry if you don’t like hearing that, but you’ve been incredibly harsh and unreasonably judgemental on others in your life, yet you’re behaving as though you can whatever you want.

And tbh this scenario is just very teenager and stupid.

KaneToad

It sounds like you want the ride with this young fella due to no action at home. If things were grand at home, would you still be keen for action with this colleague? If the answer is yes, fair enough. Fill your boots but be wary of the fall out. Relationships frequently end but it's rare that they do so without some strife. My 2c, try and sort out marriage issues if you have, even the slightest, desire to stay married. Hard to put the toothpaste back into the tube.

LegacyUser

KaneToad wrote: »

It sounds like you want the ride with this young fella due to no action at home. If things were grand at home, would you still be keen for action with this colleague? If the answer is yes, fair enough. Fill your boots but be wary of the fall out. Relationships frequently end but it's rare that they do so without some strife. My 2c, try and sort out marriage issues if you have, even the slightest, desire to stay married. Hard to put the toothpaste back into the tube.

Totally agreed with this. Try and work on your relationship. I paid a heavy price and now it's got bitter from her...there's a man in my bed in my house..and my eldest hears them screwing...I'm picking up the pieces of a life that I thought was bliss...please do not have an affair. Work on your marraige. You don't want to go through what I'm going through.

Someone attractive gave you a bit of tipsy attention and now you have a massive crush on the back of a few knee pats and a hand at the small of your back, and the other party has come to their senses and started to behave more appropriately while you pine for him, and you want to know if he's the one out of line? Sure, he shouldn't lead you or anyone else on, but what did you really think was going to happen between a married woman and her attached colleague?

I thing you need to remind yourself that you're an adult, with adult responsibilities and adult problems that you need to resolve (like an adult) and remind yourself that acting like you're a hurt teenager with an active fantasy life isn't going to add anything to your life or that of your husband, or of your children. These are the people that should be populating your thoughts, not a guy with a girlfriend who flirted drunkenly with a married woman from work.

chris525

KaneToad wrote: »

It sounds like you want the ride with this young fella due to no action at home. If things were grand at home, would you still be keen for action with this colleague? If the answer is yes, fair enough. Fill your boots but be wary of the fall out. Relationships frequently end but it's rare that they do so without some strife. My 2c, try and sort out marriage issues if you have, even the slightest, desire to stay married. Hard to put the toothpaste back into the tube.

Finally, after a month of no action something happened with my husband. It was decent. I guess what's really missing for me is the romance.

Unfortunately, I still find myself lusting after this coworker. I know it's wrong and he's untrustworthy because he initiated this when he has a girlfriend. He even talked about his girlfriend while touching my knee at dinner as well as a few previous girlfriends. Now when he touched my knee it was very casual and it was done while talking to me mid conversation. It wasn't a lingering touch or anything. But I'm still crushing on him.

chris525

Candie wrote: »

Someone attractive gave you a bit of tipsy attention and now you have a massive crush on the back of a few knee pats and a hand at the small of your back, and the other party has come to their senses and started to behave more appropriately while you pine for him, and you want to know if he's the one out of line? Sure, he shouldn't lead you or anyone else on, but what did you really think was going to happen between a married woman and her attached colleague?

I thing you need to remind yourself that you're an adult, with adult responsibilities and adult problems that you need to resolve (like an adult) and remind yourself that acting like you're a hurt teenager with an active fantasy life isn't going to add anything to your life or that of your husband, or of your children. These are the people that should be populating your thoughts, not a guy with a girlfriend who flirted drunkenly with a married woman from work.

I hear you and I get it and you're right but I can't seem to do that. I have a lot of other really aweful problems in my life and this trip to Poland was amazing. Maybe it has something to do with it.

Of course you can do it. Turn your attention to dealing with your problems maturely, instead of distracting yourself from them with crushes that can't go anywhere without devastating innocent bystanders like your husband, his girlfriend, and the most vulnerable of all - your kids.

Don't confuse not wanting to do it with not being able to.

Seamai

Metroid diorteM wrote: »

Work holidays? What the hell is that?

That's what I was thinking, there's a few in my place that going on holidays with would be living hell, a crush would be the last thing on my mind, strangulation maybe, holidays are meant to be a break from work!!

ILoveYourVibes

chris525 wrote: »

Fair enough. Makes sense but I still have a huge crush on him now.

Make a joke out of it. Laughing at a situation tends to disperse sexual tension very easily.

Imagine him taking a dump. Imagine him constipated.

Next time you see him pull a funny face.

zapper55

He could miscontrue pulling a funny face as flirting. Op stay away from him.

In another thread you've condemned an absent father. Perhaps he did what you are tempted to do and cheated on your mother (seeing as how you don't know the full story).

If you cheated and your husband left you he could make a strong case for full time carer of the children as he is currently and as your other family relationships are deeply dysfunctional from your descriptions.

Everything that goes wrong in your life is someone else's fault. Instead of sleeping with a colleague focus on your own marriage. If it's dead then deal with that. Do you really think your children dont pick up on the tension? Let them stay in the current environment and in a few years they'll be as unhappy as you are now. Do you want that?

I don't think anyone should be pulling funny faces at colleagues in work. Don't do that.

ILoveYourVibes

zapper55 wrote: »

He could miscontrue pulling a funny face as flirting. Op stay away from him.

Hmm maybe ..you do have to pour ice over your sexual feelings for him though. You can't have them. It will be too hard to work.

Just think about it ..the sex would be like 15 mins tops ..probably terrible and awkward...he prob has a tiny penis ..

Make jokes about it in your head. It will help.

Don't let your sexual feelings control your life. Its a sign of something very unhealthy.

chris525

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Hmm maybe ..you do have to pour ice over your sexual feelings for him though. You can't have them. It will be too hard to work.

Just think about it ..the sex would be like 15 mins tops ..probably terrible and awkward...he prob has a tiny penis ..

Make jokes about it in your head. It will help.

Don't let your sexual feelings control your life. Its a sign of something very unhealthy.

Today I told my husband that I was feeling old. His response was to say that I'm old and used up and no one would want me anymore.

I started crying and he said he was joking and that I shouldn't care if no one else wanted me because I already have a family.

cannotlogin

It's very telling that the posts which mainly question your personal responsibility are the ones you don't reply to.

Are you aware of this?
Are you doing to consciously or not?

You really need to work on your self esteem. The whole "I feel old" conversation with your husband smells so much of needy, attention seeking desperation....It's nearly like you want to say to him, well there's a 25 year hitting on me so I don't care what you think......you really need professional help.

chris525

cannotlogin wrote: »

It's very telling that the posts which mainly question your personal responsibility are the ones you don't reply to.

Are you aware of this?
Are you doing to consciously or not?

You really need to work on your self esteem. The whole "I feel old" conversation with your husband smells so much of needy, attention seeking desperation....It's nearly like you want to say to him, well there's a 25 year hitting on me so I don't care what you think......you really need professional help.

"I feel old" is a good invitation to compliment your wife. Not sure why he would want to put someone down. He's not very romantic and I don't like it. If seeking attention and romance is needy then so be it.

If you can't say anything ever there's not much to talk about and it's boring.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm responsible for in this situation. If I can't get over my crush then my only option is to get a new job eventually.

chris525

Seamai wrote: »

That's what I was thinking, there's a few in my place that going on holidays with would be living hell, a crush would be the last thing on my mind, strangulation maybe, holidays are meant to be a break from work!!

My colleagues let their hair down and drank a lot which is how this situation came to be. I was mostly interested in sightseeing myself. It was an extracurricular holiday and not work related.

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

My colleagues let their hair down and drank a lot which is how this situation came to be. I was mostly interested in sightseeing myself. It was an extracurricular holiday and not work related.

Why did you suddenly need a shower?

wirelessdude01

None of this story makes much sense at all. OP you seem to have a fairy tale version of the world in your head. Life is hard, end of.

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Why did you suddenly need a shower?

It's because I paid for a guided tour of one of the attractions for the following morning and I wanted to leave the nightclub early so I could get a shower in. It was the last chance to get a shower before leaving Poland for me because I had to checkout the next day.

chris525

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

None of this story makes much sense at all. OP you seem to have a fairy tale version of the world in your head. Life is hard, end of.

This story makes perfect sense. I don't know why you would say that.

A group of colleagues went on holiday. It was extracurricular and not work related. I went to do sightseeing (which I did do) and because it was a reduced cost due to the group rates. I didn't have a crush on anyone before I went.

I went and my colleague had been drinking a lot. He flirted with me. At the time of the event I didn't think it was a big deal and I didn't expect to develop a crush on him due to his actions but I did. Now I'm crushing on him.

wirelessdude01

As I said it doesn't really follow. You need to grow up and have a proper chat with your husband. Forget about shower guy. He has no interest in you.

chris525

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

As I said it doesn't really follow. You need to grow up and have a proper chat with your husband. Forget about shower guy. He has no interest in you.

What about it doesn't follow?

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

What about it doesn't follow?

Look the problem is you. Some drunk fella had a joke with you and you took it seriously. Now you are making it awkward for him like he owes you something. You seem to have gifted your husband a ride because some fella drunkenly joked with you. Now your husband has to dance circles around your questions about being old.

LegacyUser

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

As I said it doesn't really follow. You need to grow up and have a proper chat with your husband. Forget about shower guy. He has no interest in you.

Chanced his arm while away on holiday. Back home to the routine and has backed off. Should take it for what it was, no gf around at the time looking for some action.
I wouldn't let it derail your marriage no matter what state it's in.

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Look the problem is you. Some drunk fella had a joke with you and you took it seriously. Now you are making it awkward for him like he owes you something. You seem to have gifted your husband a ride because some fella drunkenly joked with you. Now your husband has to dance circles around your questions about being old.

That's just how I am. I'm a serious person and I take life seriously. If he has a girlfriend he shouldn't be going around 'joking' about showering with other women. He also said he wanted to go on one of the sightseeing tours alone with me.

I can't help it if I developed feelings for him because he flirted with me. What did he expect to happen?

My husband doesn't care too much about any rides. It's very frustrating for me.

This trip to Poland was an amazing time and made me think about what I could be missing out etc. Married life is dull and boring. This situation made me feel alive again. 31 isn't that old but my life makes me feel about 90.

I didn't get to be a kid or 'young' because of my family of origin situation. I've always had to be hardworking and responsible.

wirelessdude01

The old my life is crap because of everyone else story. Look OP, you are a grown up adult. Take responsibility for your own life. If you ain't happy then change it. Stop taking your frustration out on your husband and stop trying to blame the shower lad for this.

emilymemily

Imo some of he comments on this thread are excessively hard on the OP but I will say, Op, you need to work on yourself as youre very immature. A twenty something year old flirted with you, like young men do, youre acting as though he gave you marriage proposal. He shouldnt have done it when he had a girlfriend but then you shouldnt have responded as youre married.
The only person in control of you, is you, noone made you flirt back, noone made you have feelings, it sounds as though you let this casual flirting get into your head, you obsessed over it and convinced yourself that theres something, or could be something there.
You dont even know this man, if you were younger - as in under 25 and single I would tell you not to jump into things with people because youre sexually attracted to them, get to know them first, build a friendship and find out what theyre like.
The problem is youre not under 25 and neither are you single. You are a 31 year old woman who should know better.
Now 31 isnt old, its actually very young but your age and emotional maturity dont add up and thats something you need to work on as it's causing you an incredible amount of stress in your life.
A big indicator of emotional immaturity is an inability to take responsibility for ones own choices and actions.
Blaming others when things go wrong.
Allowing emotions to take over

It sounds as if you are stuck mentally and emotionally at an age younger than your years. Id suggest reading a bit about transactional therapy and the child state.

As for your marriage, you are clearly unhappy in this relationship and I wonder why you got married in the first place? It doesnt sound like youre ready for marriage or even want to be married.
Would you consider couple counselling?
If youre really unhappy would separation be something that you'd think about? Even just temporarily so you can sort your head out and figure out what you want?
Its not fair to your husband to stay with with him while you obsess about other men and wish for the single life.

IHeartShoes

I really felt compelled to post here as I can’t figure out why people are being so harsh and hurtful. Points can be made without recourse to what amounts to personal abuse, I think. It’s been quite hard reading, in parts.

OP. I understand what you’re saying and didn’t get the sense you were blaming anyone for it necessarily. This trip served to highlight some shortcomings in your current relationship. I would also be very hurt if my partner said those things to me in response to my saying I felt old. I certainly don’t think it’s desperate or needy to chat with a partner about feeling less than you should. Maybe he is threatened and trying to discourage you from looking else where? Only he can answer for what he said. At the very least he could show some concern when his partner bursts into tears if that’s not typical behaviour.

31 is very young and you have plenty of options open to you. If I were feeling like you, I would take the time to work on myself and not rely on validation from those chaps, inadequate as they seem. I have no doubt you are a attractive person with a lot to offer your partner or anyone else. You are enough. Hopefully you’ll recognise that in yourself soon.

Try not to focus on your crush. Things are never as they seem, in real life and he’s not available anyway, even if he was worthy. Move through it. Come out better and stronger for having gone through it in the first place.

The very best of luck to you.

S x

Idle Passerby

OP, its clear from all of your threads that you are a very unhappy, frustrated person. You are picking at various aspects of your life that contribute to that unhappiness but doing very little to resolve any of the root causes.

You had no interest in your work colleague until some very mild flirtatious comments were made. Your husband seems pretty disinterested in you from what you've said so its understandable that some interest, however fleeting would be welcomed. You can fantasise all you want about the guy at work but it won't fix your unhappiness. Neither will passively fishing for compliments from your husband. You need to tell him your unhappy and try to find a way for both of you to resolve whatever the issues are in your marriage.

ILoveYourVibes

chris525 wrote: »

Today I told my husband that I was feeling old. His response was to say that I'm old and used up and no one would want me anymore.

I started crying and he said he was joking and that I shouldn't care if no one else wanted me because I already have a family.

Why are you with this guy? Tell him its over. Then you can crush on who you want.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Why are you with this guy? Tell him its over. Then you can crush on who you want.

There are children involved who's lives could be adversely impacted for the rest of their lives. I think it's worth trying to sort out the family, although of course it would be infinitely easier to just walk away.

We don't have the tone, context or nuance of the husbands reply. I've had some things said to me that would sound terrible in text but that I laughed my head off at at the time.

I think the OP is looking for justification for the course she wants to take, so she's seeing things in the worst possible light as it makes it easier to avoid responsibility for her own actions.

bitofabind

OP. You've had a flurry of threads around here expressing varying degrees of dissatisfaction and frustration at your life circumstances and they all adhere to a common theme. 1. Your blaming of everyone else and 2. a total unwillingness to self-reflect and take any personal responsibility whatsoever.

It's clear you've got some heavy family history stuff to work through and that would be challenging for any one of us here. There's some deep-seated stuff here that needs to be resolved and it's good that you're seeing a counsellor for that.

However, you are not a five year old anymore. You are a married mother of two children and that is the framework within which you must operate and make these life decisions for yourself. Because they are decisions that do not just affect you anymore.

If a man gets drunk and flirts with you and you develop feelings, the responsibility falls on YOU for that, not on him. If married life is "dull and boring", the responsibility falls on YOU to fix that - and you'd do well to remember that there are two young children to consider here too.

There's a strong whiff of a childlike self-centeredness to your posts, as though it has never once occurred to you that the world does not revolve around you. You're a mother and a wife - why you are not readily factoring in the needs of the family unit as much as your own is something only you can ask yourself.

ILoveYourVibes

Candie wrote: »

There are children involved who's lives could be adversely impacted for the rest of their lives. I think it's worth trying to sort out the family, although of course it would be infinitely easier to just walk away.

We don't have the tone, context or nuance of the husbands reply. I've had some things said to me that would sound terrible in text but that I laughed my head off at at the time.

I think the OP is looking for justification for the course she wants to take, so she's seeing things in the worst possible light as it makes it easier to avoid responsibility for her own actions.

Great I am glad to have your opinion I mean that genuinely.

It really doesn't change my judgement though. There is no tone or context that could be ok in.

She is miserable.

If you want to stay for the kids that is fine. But just be honest that is all you are doing it for.

You're a mother and a wife - why you are not readily factoring in the needs of the family unit as much as your own is something only you can ask yourself.

Why is it only women who must do this and not men?

Obviously this crush ...is a toxic thing right now. And it will go in time. But she needs to change her life around.

Caryatnid

chris525 wrote: »

Do you think that my colleague was out of line?

This line stood out to me. You have a crush on him, and clearly partook (your smiling, telling him about wanting to leave early to shower...) in the flirting. But yet you want to blame him? It seems like such an odd conclusion.

OP I know you are having such a hard time at the moment with your husband and grandparents, but there does seem to be this attitude of "I need to find someone to blame" that you have. Sometimes people act or feel in certain ways, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are out of line. Generally, people are just trying to do their best in life.

In terms of this crush, I think this is a symptom of issues in your marriage. I don't know if you need to break up with your husband. Maybe he is cold and no good for you, or maybe he is doing his best to be supportive to you and a stay at home dad, and he has nothing left to give to a bitter and angry wife. I do think couples counselling would be really great, for both of you. Your situations are not happening in isolation and are all tied into one another.

I wish you the best of luck, things haven't been easy for you. Go easy on yourself, but also others close to you.