huge crush on my coworker

chris525

I'm 31 and married with 2 kids. I work at a small company and I went on holiday with my colleagues last week to Poland.

The colleague that I now have a crush on came with us. He's 25 and Polish. He has a girlfriend. I always thought he was a pleasant colleague as well as pleasant-looking but that was about it. I didn't know him very well and we don't work directly together but he sits in my proximity.

On the first day of the vacation we all went out for dinner and drinks and nothing happened. On the second day I went sightseeing alone and then joined my colleagues for dinner and drinks.

Now on the 2nd day my colleague did some things but it was so casual and insidious I didn't even notice. He had been drinking. He put his arm around me and drew me in closer to him on one occasion and another colleague noticed this. During dinner he put his hand on my knee about 3 times and when we were walking to the nightclub after dinner he put his hand on my lower back. He danced with me but he also danced with the other colleagues as well. I wanted to leave the nightclub early do have a shower and he said to me: "I will shower you." He didn't want me to leave early. He wanted me to stay in the nightclub.

On the 3rd day I was smiling at him all the time and he was smiling back.

Back to work now. The first day back I just couldn't help it - I have a massive crush on him and kept smiling at him when I saw him.

2nd day back - I think he noticed what's going on and has created a bit of emotional distance between us and stopped being so smiley.

Well it's business as usual back at work but I feel so attracted to him! I have a huge crush. It's hard to hide and I feel awkward and uncomfortable I also feel a bit teased; he started this situation himself by showing me attention. I find myself really into him and think of him this way when I'm at work.

Do you think that my colleague was out of line?

Wrongway1985

You were also drinking, you say you didn't really notice this stuff until a colleague had seen it. The blame doesn't seem entirely his you were quite keen to instigate smiles with him.

He is dead right to tone it down you are married with kids. No real harm lusting away but if you are seriously intending on pursuing this man after a few warm minutes abroad you may want to evaluate your life.

chris525

sugarman wrote: »

Sounds like he was just drunk and being flirty to be honest and he came to his senses once he began to sober up.

He's probably embarrassed about his own actions and knows he was in the wrong.

Fair enough. Makes sense but I still have a huge crush on him now.

Metroid diorteM

Work holidays? What the hell is that?

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

Fair enough. Makes sense but I still have a huge crush on him now.

Have you any respect for your husband in all this?

Princess Calla

It was a holiday flirtation, nothing came of it.

Between this and your other threads you seem to overthink and over analyse alot of stuff.

Let it go.

Concentrate on your marriage and kids.

SusieBlue

It sounds like you have more than enough on your plate at the minute between your issues with your mum and paternal grandparents, distract yourself from your cruch by focussing on trying to resolve those issues instead of potentially wrecking your marriage and splitting up your family.

Every time your crush enters your head, think of your husband and son and stop risking your family for a silly work flirtation.

chris525

SusieBlue wrote: »

It sounds like you have more than enough on your plate at the minute between your issues with your mum and paternal grandparents, distract yourself from your cruch by focussing on trying to resolve those issues instead of potentially wrecking your marriage and splitting up your family.

Every time your crush enters your head, think of your husband and son and stop risking your family for a silly work flirtation.

Yes, you're dead right I have a lot of issues.

I guess this flirtation was very exciting to me far moreso than my marriage.

My husband and I have mismatched libidos and it's frustrating as well as other marital problems.

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

Yes, you're dead right I have a lot of issues.

I guess this flirtation was very exciting to me far moreso than my marriage.

My husband and I have mismatched libidos and it's frustrating as well as other marital problems.

Was this polish lad the first fella that has given you a second glance in years? You don’t mention anything about him other than he made a broken English remark about showering you?

Showering you with what?

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Was this polish lad the first fella that has given you a second glance in years? You don’t mention anything about him other than he made a broken English remark about showering you?

Showering you with what?

Yep. He's the first to flirt with me since before I got married. I don't know what he wanted to do about the shower.

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

Yep. He's the first to flirt with me since before I got married. I don't know what he wanted to do about the shower.

Why don’t you do yourself up abit maybe the husbands libido might increase

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Why don’t you do yourself up abit maybe the husbands libido might increase

I can try it but he says it's all due to the kids. He says he's always tired. It's very frustrating.

cannotlogin

Seriously OP, there's a huge amount of hypocrisy going on here.

You're the one who is married. You are the one who has got caught up by the attentions of a younger colleague so stop putting it all on him.

Your other thread talks about the many people in your life that don't respect you or live up to your standards and the importance of standards, yet you seem to have limited respect for your husband or two kids......

There seems to be a lot going on in your life, or at least you seem to be overanalysising everything in your life but you are failing to see your own role and contribution in any of it.

You need to get a good counsellor and start working on all of these things, i.e. why you are so angry with people in your life, why your head is so easily turned by the most minor of possible flirting etc. Just forget about this man and prioritise addressing everything else.

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Have you any respect for your husband in all this?

As I said, we have marital issues and he hasn't always respected my feelings on a number of occasions.

Scarinae

You said you didn't know your colleague very well before the trip - is it possible that he didn't realise you are married with children, and that's why he flirted with you on the trip? You also said your other colleagues noticed, so maybe one of them pulled him aside afterwards and told him you have a husband and children, and that's why he's distancing himself now.

Either way, I think it would be better for you to forget about this work crush and focus on your marriage and your husband, see if you can put some energy into that instead. Maybe you and your husband could go away for a weekend?

chris525

Scarinae wrote: »

You said you didn't know your colleague very well before the trip - is it possible that he didn't realise you are married with children, and that's why he flirted with you on the trip? You also said your other colleagues noticed, so maybe one of them pulled him aside afterwards and told him you have a husband and children, and that's why he's distancing himself now.

Either way, I think it would be better for you to forget about this work crush and focus on your marriage and your husband, see if you can put some energy into that instead. Maybe you and your husband could go away for a weekend?

He doesn't want to ever go away or do anything. He won't hire a babysitter. He said he never wants a stranger watching his children. He's a stay home dad.

I don't agree with it and it frustrates me. I can't do anything about it. No grandparents either.

chris525

Scarinae wrote: »

You said you didn't know your colleague very well before the trip - is it possible that he didn't realise you are married with children, and that's why he flirted with you on the trip? You also said your other colleagues noticed, so maybe one of them pulled him aside afterwards and told him you have a husband and children, and that's why he's distancing himself now.

Either way, I think it would be better for you to forget about this work crush and focus on your marriage and your husband, see if you can put some energy into that instead. Maybe you and your husband could go away for a weekend?

I remember having a conversation with this colleague a long time ago and I mentioned my kids. Maybe he forgot because it was so long ago? I can't remember if he was working there or not before I went on maternity leave. He was definitely there when I came back.

qwerty13

You are being utterly ridiculous.

I’m sorry if you don’t like hearing that, but you’ve been incredibly harsh and unreasonably judgemental on others in your life, yet you’re behaving as though you can whatever you want.

And tbh this scenario is just very teenager and stupid.

KaneToad

It sounds like you want the ride with this young fella due to no action at home. If things were grand at home, would you still be keen for action with this colleague? If the answer is yes, fair enough. Fill your boots but be wary of the fall out. Relationships frequently end but it's rare that they do so without some strife. My 2c, try and sort out marriage issues if you have, even the slightest, desire to stay married. Hard to put the toothpaste back into the tube.

LegacyUser

KaneToad wrote: »

It sounds like you want the ride with this young fella due to no action at home. If things were grand at home, would you still be keen for action with this colleague? If the answer is yes, fair enough. Fill your boots but be wary of the fall out. Relationships frequently end but it's rare that they do so without some strife. My 2c, try and sort out marriage issues if you have, even the slightest, desire to stay married. Hard to put the toothpaste back into the tube.

Totally agreed with this. Try and work on your relationship. I paid a heavy price and now it's got bitter from her...there's a man in my bed in my house..and my eldest hears them screwing...I'm picking up the pieces of a life that I thought was bliss...please do not have an affair. Work on your marraige. You don't want to go through what I'm going through.

Someone attractive gave you a bit of tipsy attention and now you have a massive crush on the back of a few knee pats and a hand at the small of your back, and the other party has come to their senses and started to behave more appropriately while you pine for him, and you want to know if he's the one out of line? Sure, he shouldn't lead you or anyone else on, but what did you really think was going to happen between a married woman and her attached colleague?

I thing you need to remind yourself that you're an adult, with adult responsibilities and adult problems that you need to resolve (like an adult) and remind yourself that acting like you're a hurt teenager with an active fantasy life isn't going to add anything to your life or that of your husband, or of your children. These are the people that should be populating your thoughts, not a guy with a girlfriend who flirted drunkenly with a married woman from work.

chris525

KaneToad wrote: »

It sounds like you want the ride with this young fella due to no action at home. If things were grand at home, would you still be keen for action with this colleague? If the answer is yes, fair enough. Fill your boots but be wary of the fall out. Relationships frequently end but it's rare that they do so without some strife. My 2c, try and sort out marriage issues if you have, even the slightest, desire to stay married. Hard to put the toothpaste back into the tube.

Finally, after a month of no action something happened with my husband. It was decent. I guess what's really missing for me is the romance.

Unfortunately, I still find myself lusting after this coworker. I know it's wrong and he's untrustworthy because he initiated this when he has a girlfriend. He even talked about his girlfriend while touching my knee at dinner as well as a few previous girlfriends. Now when he touched my knee it was very casual and it was done while talking to me mid conversation. It wasn't a lingering touch or anything. But I'm still crushing on him.

chris525

Candie wrote: »

Someone attractive gave you a bit of tipsy attention and now you have a massive crush on the back of a few knee pats and a hand at the small of your back, and the other party has come to their senses and started to behave more appropriately while you pine for him, and you want to know if he's the one out of line? Sure, he shouldn't lead you or anyone else on, but what did you really think was going to happen between a married woman and her attached colleague?

I thing you need to remind yourself that you're an adult, with adult responsibilities and adult problems that you need to resolve (like an adult) and remind yourself that acting like you're a hurt teenager with an active fantasy life isn't going to add anything to your life or that of your husband, or of your children. These are the people that should be populating your thoughts, not a guy with a girlfriend who flirted drunkenly with a married woman from work.

I hear you and I get it and you're right but I can't seem to do that. I have a lot of other really aweful problems in my life and this trip to Poland was amazing. Maybe it has something to do with it.

Of course you can do it. Turn your attention to dealing with your problems maturely, instead of distracting yourself from them with crushes that can't go anywhere without devastating innocent bystanders like your husband, his girlfriend, and the most vulnerable of all - your kids.

Don't confuse not wanting to do it with not being able to.

Seamai

Metroid diorteM wrote: »

Work holidays? What the hell is that?

That's what I was thinking, there's a few in my place that going on holidays with would be living hell, a crush would be the last thing on my mind, strangulation maybe, holidays are meant to be a break from work!!

ILoveYourVibes

chris525 wrote: »

Fair enough. Makes sense but I still have a huge crush on him now.

Make a joke out of it. Laughing at a situation tends to disperse sexual tension very easily.

Imagine him taking a dump. Imagine him constipated.

Next time you see him pull a funny face.

zapper55

He could miscontrue pulling a funny face as flirting. Op stay away from him.

In another thread you've condemned an absent father. Perhaps he did what you are tempted to do and cheated on your mother (seeing as how you don't know the full story).

If you cheated and your husband left you he could make a strong case for full time carer of the children as he is currently and as your other family relationships are deeply dysfunctional from your descriptions.

Everything that goes wrong in your life is someone else's fault. Instead of sleeping with a colleague focus on your own marriage. If it's dead then deal with that. Do you really think your children dont pick up on the tension? Let them stay in the current environment and in a few years they'll be as unhappy as you are now. Do you want that?

I don't think anyone should be pulling funny faces at colleagues in work. Don't do that.

ILoveYourVibes

zapper55 wrote: »

He could miscontrue pulling a funny face as flirting. Op stay away from him.

Hmm maybe ..you do have to pour ice over your sexual feelings for him though. You can't have them. It will be too hard to work.

Just think about it ..the sex would be like 15 mins tops ..probably terrible and awkward...he prob has a tiny penis ..

Make jokes about it in your head. It will help.

Don't let your sexual feelings control your life. Its a sign of something very unhealthy.

chris525

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Hmm maybe ..you do have to pour ice over your sexual feelings for him though. You can't have them. It will be too hard to work.

Just think about it ..the sex would be like 15 mins tops ..probably terrible and awkward...he prob has a tiny penis ..

Make jokes about it in your head. It will help.

Don't let your sexual feelings control your life. Its a sign of something very unhealthy.

Today I told my husband that I was feeling old. His response was to say that I'm old and used up and no one would want me anymore.

I started crying and he said he was joking and that I shouldn't care if no one else wanted me because I already have a family.

cannotlogin

It's very telling that the posts which mainly question your personal responsibility are the ones you don't reply to.

Are you aware of this?
Are you doing to consciously or not?

You really need to work on your self esteem. The whole "I feel old" conversation with your husband smells so much of needy, attention seeking desperation....It's nearly like you want to say to him, well there's a 25 year hitting on me so I don't care what you think......you really need professional help.