huge crush on my coworker

chris525

cannotlogin wrote: »

It's very telling that the posts which mainly question your personal responsibility are the ones you don't reply to.

Are you aware of this?
Are you doing to consciously or not?

You really need to work on your self esteem. The whole "I feel old" conversation with your husband smells so much of needy, attention seeking desperation....It's nearly like you want to say to him, well there's a 25 year hitting on me so I don't care what you think......you really need professional help.

"I feel old" is a good invitation to compliment your wife. Not sure why he would want to put someone down. He's not very romantic and I don't like it. If seeking attention and romance is needy then so be it.

If you can't say anything ever there's not much to talk about and it's boring.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm responsible for in this situation. If I can't get over my crush then my only option is to get a new job eventually.

chris525

Seamai wrote: »

That's what I was thinking, there's a few in my place that going on holidays with would be living hell, a crush would be the last thing on my mind, strangulation maybe, holidays are meant to be a break from work!!

My colleagues let their hair down and drank a lot which is how this situation came to be. I was mostly interested in sightseeing myself. It was an extracurricular holiday and not work related.

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

My colleagues let their hair down and drank a lot which is how this situation came to be. I was mostly interested in sightseeing myself. It was an extracurricular holiday and not work related.

Why did you suddenly need a shower?

wirelessdude01

None of this story makes much sense at all. OP you seem to have a fairy tale version of the world in your head. Life is hard, end of.

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Why did you suddenly need a shower?

It's because I paid for a guided tour of one of the attractions for the following morning and I wanted to leave the nightclub early so I could get a shower in. It was the last chance to get a shower before leaving Poland for me because I had to checkout the next day.

chris525

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

None of this story makes much sense at all. OP you seem to have a fairy tale version of the world in your head. Life is hard, end of.

This story makes perfect sense. I don't know why you would say that.

A group of colleagues went on holiday. It was extracurricular and not work related. I went to do sightseeing (which I did do) and because it was a reduced cost due to the group rates. I didn't have a crush on anyone before I went.

I went and my colleague had been drinking a lot. He flirted with me. At the time of the event I didn't think it was a big deal and I didn't expect to develop a crush on him due to his actions but I did. Now I'm crushing on him.

wirelessdude01

As I said it doesn't really follow. You need to grow up and have a proper chat with your husband. Forget about shower guy. He has no interest in you.

chris525

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

As I said it doesn't really follow. You need to grow up and have a proper chat with your husband. Forget about shower guy. He has no interest in you.

What about it doesn't follow?

BDI

chris525 wrote: »

What about it doesn't follow?

Look the problem is you. Some drunk fella had a joke with you and you took it seriously. Now you are making it awkward for him like he owes you something. You seem to have gifted your husband a ride because some fella drunkenly joked with you. Now your husband has to dance circles around your questions about being old.

LegacyUser

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

As I said it doesn't really follow. You need to grow up and have a proper chat with your husband. Forget about shower guy. He has no interest in you.

Chanced his arm while away on holiday. Back home to the routine and has backed off. Should take it for what it was, no gf around at the time looking for some action.
I wouldn't let it derail your marriage no matter what state it's in.

chris525

BDI wrote: »

Look the problem is you. Some drunk fella had a joke with you and you took it seriously. Now you are making it awkward for him like he owes you something. You seem to have gifted your husband a ride because some fella drunkenly joked with you. Now your husband has to dance circles around your questions about being old.

That's just how I am. I'm a serious person and I take life seriously. If he has a girlfriend he shouldn't be going around 'joking' about showering with other women. He also said he wanted to go on one of the sightseeing tours alone with me.

I can't help it if I developed feelings for him because he flirted with me. What did he expect to happen?

My husband doesn't care too much about any rides. It's very frustrating for me.

This trip to Poland was an amazing time and made me think about what I could be missing out etc. Married life is dull and boring. This situation made me feel alive again. 31 isn't that old but my life makes me feel about 90.

I didn't get to be a kid or 'young' because of my family of origin situation. I've always had to be hardworking and responsible.

wirelessdude01

The old my life is crap because of everyone else story. Look OP, you are a grown up adult. Take responsibility for your own life. If you ain't happy then change it. Stop taking your frustration out on your husband and stop trying to blame the shower lad for this.

emilymemily

Imo some of he comments on this thread are excessively hard on the OP but I will say, Op, you need to work on yourself as youre very immature. A twenty something year old flirted with you, like young men do, youre acting as though he gave you marriage proposal. He shouldnt have done it when he had a girlfriend but then you shouldnt have responded as youre married.
The only person in control of you, is you, noone made you flirt back, noone made you have feelings, it sounds as though you let this casual flirting get into your head, you obsessed over it and convinced yourself that theres something, or could be something there.
You dont even know this man, if you were younger - as in under 25 and single I would tell you not to jump into things with people because youre sexually attracted to them, get to know them first, build a friendship and find out what theyre like.
The problem is youre not under 25 and neither are you single. You are a 31 year old woman who should know better.
Now 31 isnt old, its actually very young but your age and emotional maturity dont add up and thats something you need to work on as it's causing you an incredible amount of stress in your life.
A big indicator of emotional immaturity is an inability to take responsibility for ones own choices and actions.
Blaming others when things go wrong.
Allowing emotions to take over

It sounds as if you are stuck mentally and emotionally at an age younger than your years. Id suggest reading a bit about transactional therapy and the child state.

As for your marriage, you are clearly unhappy in this relationship and I wonder why you got married in the first place? It doesnt sound like youre ready for marriage or even want to be married.
Would you consider couple counselling?
If youre really unhappy would separation be something that you'd think about? Even just temporarily so you can sort your head out and figure out what you want?
Its not fair to your husband to stay with with him while you obsess about other men and wish for the single life.

IHeartShoes

I really felt compelled to post here as I can’t figure out why people are being so harsh and hurtful. Points can be made without recourse to what amounts to personal abuse, I think. It’s been quite hard reading, in parts.

OP. I understand what you’re saying and didn’t get the sense you were blaming anyone for it necessarily. This trip served to highlight some shortcomings in your current relationship. I would also be very hurt if my partner said those things to me in response to my saying I felt old. I certainly don’t think it’s desperate or needy to chat with a partner about feeling less than you should. Maybe he is threatened and trying to discourage you from looking else where? Only he can answer for what he said. At the very least he could show some concern when his partner bursts into tears if that’s not typical behaviour.

31 is very young and you have plenty of options open to you. If I were feeling like you, I would take the time to work on myself and not rely on validation from those chaps, inadequate as they seem. I have no doubt you are a attractive person with a lot to offer your partner or anyone else. You are enough. Hopefully you’ll recognise that in yourself soon.

Try not to focus on your crush. Things are never as they seem, in real life and he’s not available anyway, even if he was worthy. Move through it. Come out better and stronger for having gone through it in the first place.

The very best of luck to you.

S x

Idle Passerby

OP, its clear from all of your threads that you are a very unhappy, frustrated person. You are picking at various aspects of your life that contribute to that unhappiness but doing very little to resolve any of the root causes.

You had no interest in your work colleague until some very mild flirtatious comments were made. Your husband seems pretty disinterested in you from what you've said so its understandable that some interest, however fleeting would be welcomed. You can fantasise all you want about the guy at work but it won't fix your unhappiness. Neither will passively fishing for compliments from your husband. You need to tell him your unhappy and try to find a way for both of you to resolve whatever the issues are in your marriage.

ILoveYourVibes

chris525 wrote: »

Today I told my husband that I was feeling old. His response was to say that I'm old and used up and no one would want me anymore.

I started crying and he said he was joking and that I shouldn't care if no one else wanted me because I already have a family.

Why are you with this guy? Tell him its over. Then you can crush on who you want.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Why are you with this guy? Tell him its over. Then you can crush on who you want.

There are children involved who's lives could be adversely impacted for the rest of their lives. I think it's worth trying to sort out the family, although of course it would be infinitely easier to just walk away.

We don't have the tone, context or nuance of the husbands reply. I've had some things said to me that would sound terrible in text but that I laughed my head off at at the time.

I think the OP is looking for justification for the course she wants to take, so she's seeing things in the worst possible light as it makes it easier to avoid responsibility for her own actions.

bitofabind

OP. You've had a flurry of threads around here expressing varying degrees of dissatisfaction and frustration at your life circumstances and they all adhere to a common theme. 1. Your blaming of everyone else and 2. a total unwillingness to self-reflect and take any personal responsibility whatsoever.

It's clear you've got some heavy family history stuff to work through and that would be challenging for any one of us here. There's some deep-seated stuff here that needs to be resolved and it's good that you're seeing a counsellor for that.

However, you are not a five year old anymore. You are a married mother of two children and that is the framework within which you must operate and make these life decisions for yourself. Because they are decisions that do not just affect you anymore.

If a man gets drunk and flirts with you and you develop feelings, the responsibility falls on YOU for that, not on him. If married life is "dull and boring", the responsibility falls on YOU to fix that - and you'd do well to remember that there are two young children to consider here too.

There's a strong whiff of a childlike self-centeredness to your posts, as though it has never once occurred to you that the world does not revolve around you. You're a mother and a wife - why you are not readily factoring in the needs of the family unit as much as your own is something only you can ask yourself.

ILoveYourVibes

Candie wrote: »

There are children involved who's lives could be adversely impacted for the rest of their lives. I think it's worth trying to sort out the family, although of course it would be infinitely easier to just walk away.

We don't have the tone, context or nuance of the husbands reply. I've had some things said to me that would sound terrible in text but that I laughed my head off at at the time.

I think the OP is looking for justification for the course she wants to take, so she's seeing things in the worst possible light as it makes it easier to avoid responsibility for her own actions.

Great I am glad to have your opinion I mean that genuinely.

It really doesn't change my judgement though. There is no tone or context that could be ok in.

She is miserable.

If you want to stay for the kids that is fine. But just be honest that is all you are doing it for.

You're a mother and a wife - why you are not readily factoring in the needs of the family unit as much as your own is something only you can ask yourself.

Why is it only women who must do this and not men?

Obviously this crush ...is a toxic thing right now. And it will go in time. But she needs to change her life around.

Caryatnid

chris525 wrote: »

Do you think that my colleague was out of line?

This line stood out to me. You have a crush on him, and clearly partook (your smiling, telling him about wanting to leave early to shower...) in the flirting. But yet you want to blame him? It seems like such an odd conclusion.

OP I know you are having such a hard time at the moment with your husband and grandparents, but there does seem to be this attitude of "I need to find someone to blame" that you have. Sometimes people act or feel in certain ways, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are out of line. Generally, people are just trying to do their best in life.

In terms of this crush, I think this is a symptom of issues in your marriage. I don't know if you need to break up with your husband. Maybe he is cold and no good for you, or maybe he is doing his best to be supportive to you and a stay at home dad, and he has nothing left to give to a bitter and angry wife. I do think couples counselling would be really great, for both of you. Your situations are not happening in isolation and are all tied into one another.

I wish you the best of luck, things haven't been easy for you. Go easy on yourself, but also others close to you.

Notmything

Op, from this and your other posts it's striking how quick you are to blame others for things that affect you. Yet, you never seem to look at yourself and see if you are ever to blame. You also 'ignore' posts that suggest that you might be part of the problem.

Yes life has been tough and you have had to deal with many issues, but you need to start looking at yourself and your own actions.

pwurple

I think the OP is half-asking if the sexual contact like touching peoples knees and putting your arms around them is inappropriate. The answer is yes, it is inappropriate.

OP, I'd be avoiding that fellow like the plague, he clearly has difficulty keeping it in his pants. He will chew you up and spit you out by the time you've figured out what happened. What do you think would happen... maybe some sex and then he disappears onto the next woman. Where does that leave you? Used and Miserable.


Your relationship with your husband is different, don't mix them up.

chris525

bitofabind wrote: »

If married life is "dull and boring", the responsibility falls on YOU to fix that - and you'd do well to remember that there are two young children to consider here too.

I talked to my husband and he just keeps saying that 'we have kids, we have kids'. He says that he's always tired from the kids. Well so am I but the baby sleeps through the night now. I have to get up at 6 and I don't get home until 6:30 due to commuting. I also do help care for the kids when I get home and I still have time and energy to be romantic. Maybe his age has something to do with it? He's 38. He really changed after we had kids.

chris525

pwurple wrote: »

I think the OP is half-asking if the sexual contact like touching peoples knees and putting your arms around them is inappropriate. The answer is yes, it is inappropriate.

OP, I'd be avoiding that fellow like the plague, he clearly has difficulty keeping it in his pants. He will chew you up and spit you out by the time you've figured out what happened. What do you think would happen... maybe some sex and then he disappears onto the next woman. Where does that leave you? Used and Miserable.


Your relationship with your husband is different, don't mix them up.

Yes, you are correct. I mean I also think he's had too many girlfriends for someone his age. It means none of them lasted a while.

I also overheard him saying to another colleague: 'my parents want me to do this, my parents want me to do that..'. Really? At his age after he's moved out of their house?

LegacyUser

chris525 wrote: »

I talked to my husband and he just keeps saying that 'we have kids, we have kids'. He says that he's always tired from the kids. Well so am I but the baby sleeps through the night now. I have to get up at 6 and I don't get home until 6:30 due to commuting. I also do help care for the kids when I get home and I still have time and energy to be romantic. Maybe his age has something to do with it? He's 38. He really changed after we had kids.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. It's not fair that he pushes you away romantically. Everyone is tired, that's modern life, but relationships thrive or die based on the effort we put into them. Does he still love you, does he still want to stay married? You need to ask him some hard questions and be prepared to hear the answers. I would 100% recommend couples therapy.

As for the work guy, FORGET ABOUT HIM. Don't try and figure out why he behaved as he did. Just forget it. You have bigger things to focus on.

Notmything

chris525 wrote: »

Yes, you are correct. I mean I also think he's had too many girlfriends for someone his age. It means none of them lasted a while.

I also overheard him saying to another colleague: 'my parents want me to do this, my parents want me to do that..'. Really? At his age after he's moved out of their house?

Tbh, I'm not sure why this is an issue, unless you are using them as excuses to judge him.

Idle Passerby

chris525 wrote: »

Yes, you are correct. I mean I also think he's had too many girlfriends for someone his age. It means none of them lasted a while.

I also overheard him saying to another colleague: 'my parents want me to do this, my parents want me to do that..'. Really? At his age after he's moved out of their house?

Why do you have a crush on someone you seem to dislike? Seriously OP, you have far bigger fish to fry than obsessing over some rando at work.

KaneToad

chris525 wrote: »

Finally, after a month of no action something happened with my husband. It was decent. I guess what's really missing for me is the romance.

Not sure what you consider 'decent' - 10 mins of pumping or 30 mins of oral sex?? I'm being facetious... what's to say that this work fella would be better than decent? It would appear that the sexual interaction isn't what you're after. Your relationship problem with the husband seem greater than that. Big questions time for ye. Frank discussion with husband about what you want from the marriage. If it's not on the cards, you're best calling it a day.

Worst scenario is a bit of slap and tickle with workmate and an acrimonious split from husband. It's unlikely this work colleague is going to provide you with the romantic relationship you're looking for. The most you'll get is a few short lived thrills. Tread carefully! Look after yourself.

chris525

talk to hubby wrote: »

You need to have a serious conversation with him. It's not fair that he pushes you away romantically. Everyone is tired, that's modern life, but relationships thrive or die based on the effort we put into them. Does he still love you, does he still want to stay married? You need to ask him some hard questions and be prepared to hear the answers. I would 100% recommend couples therapy.

As for the work guy, FORGET ABOUT HIM. Don't try and figure out why he behaved as he did. Just forget it. You have bigger things to focus on.

Maybe I should be starting a new thread about this but he only wants sex on the weekends. He says he's too tired during the week due to the kids. He says that any nagging and/or arguments destroy the tiny bit of passion that he might have left and the cycle continues. I guess sometimes I do nag and argue out of frustration. I can try something else.

lastusername

OP, you have certain thinking about your husband which leads to a certain feeling, which leads to nagging and sniping, etc - obviously not conducive to romance and sparks!

However, don't see it as you causing this to happen - you're not to blame and neither is your husband. It is just a feeling going through you, it will pass on if you let it. There is no need to build a story around this.

It's a bit like the 'crush' - is it really a crush, or just a a collection of fleeting feelings? I think you are beginning to see already it looks a lot like the latter, and most likely if this coworker left, you'd never even think about him again!

If it were me, next time you feel yourself feeling frustrated or feeling you want to nag your husband, maybe just notice the thought / feeling, and just sit with it.

Observe it, and watch how it just passes if you don't follow it.

Good things can come from there, when you and your husband are not caught up in your thoughts and feelings about each other, and the stories you have both created. We all create and live in our own stories, but they can and do change at any time.

I think you already saw that when you had that one night of romance. There can be many more.