"I like you, but..."

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 03:03PM #1

I've been getting hit with this line on the dating scene recently and i'd love to hear people's thoughts. Especially any guys who might have used it themselves!

Most recently, I had a thing with an American guy that I met at a work-related event in Europe. It was four days of hard work, we work in the same industry and were positioned right next to each other and things developed. There was blatant attraction there and he seemed so interested in me. We had an innocent kiss on the last day, then he flew back to the US and I went back home.

Before he left he told me he'd love to see me when he's in my town the next few months, but he'd also love to meet up before then if I'd be up for it. He stayed in touch every day by text and facetime and we agreed to meet in Spain what should've been last weekend.

He'd been really direct and forward with me since that first event, telling me every day that he missed me, how beautiful I was, work chat, future plans, all of that. Then suddenly two days before Spain I get a long text from him saying one of his kids was in trouble and he couldn't make the trip. (He's divorced and a single parent with 2 teenagers). The trouble was that his youngest fella threw a house party and the cops were called and neighbours were pissed off. I was disappointed but what can you do.

Cue like 5 days of silence, which is totally uncharacteristic of him and after which I texted him and told him I was pretty disappointed to not have heard from him and he hadn't made me feel great this week. He got super defensive to that - "I've been 100% honest with you....I've not been in touch because my son is my priority" - and effectively ended it there. "I like you but I don't think this is going to work".

So now I'm pretty cut up about it all as I felt like he was different and I really let my guard down this time. Despite us living in different countries, he had been so attentive and so forward with me and the sudden rejection and silence is so hurtful. And there's a lot of work crossover too - he's someone that it's good to have as a contact.

I've had time to reflect, and I've realised the last guy that I was sort of seeing a few months ago ended things with a similar line "I like you, but..." He also had chased me, texted me all day every day, all about me until suddenly I became old news.

Both pretty painful experiences, this second one has really dented my self esteem because I felt so "safe" with this guy this time, he really seemed to be a man of his word and we had such a strong connection.

I guess I'm wondering what I can do to protect myself from this happening again? And if there's something in my behaviour that might've caused this hot-and-coldness?

Hoboo · 30-07-2019 03:06PM

He was taking care of his sick son, and you rang him to chastise him rather than to see how HE and his son were? And all after just sharing some flirting and a kiss. I think that could be the issue here, not him.

LLewellen Farquarson · 30-07-2019 03:15PM

Hoboo wrote: »

He was taking care of his sick son, and you rang him to chastise him rather than to see how HE and his son were? And all after just sharing some flirting and a kiss. I think that could be the issue here, not him.

And "he hadn't made you feel great" this jumped out at me.
Surely that's not his responsibility. And why didn't you contact him during the 5 days to see if everything was ok?

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 03:15PM

His son wasn't sick, he had thrown a house party and pissed off the neighbours. This guy lives in a different state to him so flew back to get the situation under control. He said he'd call me to discuss making other plans, five days later he hadn't called so I dropped him a text.

I had booked my travel and time off to meet him so I don't think it was unreasonable to expect he would have called (especially when he said he would call)

Hoboo · 30-07-2019 03:23PM

Am I going nuts or was that OP changed from sick son to house party and cops?

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 03:26PM

Let's get this out of the way before I get hung out to dry for this entire situation being my fault and me editing my OP to make me look like less of an asshole.

No, I never said "sick son". I said "his son was in trouble" and then I edited to add more details about exactly what happened as I knew that paints a clearer picture here.

ncmc · 30-07-2019 03:28PM

You knew this guy for 4 days, had one innocent kiss and had booked travel to Spain to meet him off the back of this? Seems like way too intense for someone you barely know.

Idle Passerby · 30-07-2019 03:37PM

Maybe this guy was genuine about liking you/wanting a future. Then the issue with his son arose and he realised that as a father of two teenagers it isn't practical for him to be starting a trans Atlantic relationship with someone he just met. Pretty reasonable conclusion to come to really! I'd read it as he liked you but life is too complicated already for jumping into a potentially very complicated relationship.

The other guy, he probably liked you fine but not enough to invest in something serious. Generally "I like you, but" can be read as, your great but I'm not interested enough to persue it any further.

There's nothing sinister or worrying about either scenario in my opinion.

Sardonicat · 30-07-2019 03:39PM

ncmc wrote: »

You knew this guy for 4 days, had one innocent kiss and had booked travel to Spain to meet him off the back of this? Seems like way too intense for someone you barely know.

This. He told you every day he missed you? You were in each other's company for 4 days! How could he miss you, he doesn't know you!

OP, if you want to protect yourself from situations like this you need to start recognising that genuine people don't say things that extreme after 4 days of a work event.

The most likely scenario is he had no intention of travelling to Spain and was indulging in a long distance ego boost, or, a more conveniently located prospect presented itself.

It's not you, it's him. But you really need to cop on a bit and learn to recognise these very obvious red flags.

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 04:02PM

Sardonicat wrote: »

This. He told you every day he missed you? You were in each other's company for 4 days! How could he miss you, he doesn't know you!

OP, if you want to protect yourself from situations like this you need to start recognising that genuine people don't say things that extreme after 4 days of a work event.

The most likely scenario is he had no intention of travelling to Spain and was indulging in a long distance ego boost, or, a more conveniently located prospect presented itself.

It's not you, it's him. But you really need to cop on a bit and learn to recognise these very obvious red flags.

Yeah he was pretty OTT, I know you're right I guess I just got carried away as I liked him so much. We talked or texted every single day until recently.

Anything is possible of course, but I don't want to believe he had no intention on meeting me in Spain, he had his flight booked etc.

bottlebrush · 30-07-2019 04:10PM

I'm sorry op but I think he had already decided before the incident with his son (if this actually happened) that this wasn't going to work out. cue the five days of silence - if somebody is really into you they always find the time to send a quick text even in a crisis and this wasn't even a life or death event
my only advice is to not get too invested too quickly like thinking you have finally met 'the one' and if it doesn't work with this guy there are no other men left in the world! you are probably out of pocket too unfortunately because your trip to Spain didn't work out?

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 04:34PM

bottlebrush wrote: »

I'm sorry op but I think he had already decided before the incident with his son (if this actually happened) that this wasn't going to work out. cue the five days of silence - if somebody is really into you they always find the time to send a quick text even in a crisis and this wasn't even a life or death event
my only advice is to not get too invested too quickly like thinking you have finally met 'the one' and if it doesn't work with this guy there are no other men left in the world! you are probably out of pocket too unfortunately because your trip to Spain didn't work out?

Yeah bottlebrush this did occur to me, but I don't see how it benefits me to think that he never intended to meet me in Spain and who would lie about something like that? I really didn't think that was something he'd be capable of. But it has left me torn between, "did he actually lie and use my reaction as an excuse to end things?" and "has he been so pissed off at my lack of support that he's ended things?" It's such a tricky one.

He did text me that evening after cancelling, something innocuous and an "I'm soooooooo sorry" but it was so glib in the face of my plans being cancelled last minute and I was expecting a phone call like he promised so I gave him a few days before getting back to him. I texted him asking to speak on Saturday, he didn't reply so texted again on Sunday and he said he flew back on Friday and had been sick ever since. The timeline of everything just really sets the alarm bells ringing - if it was an emergency why didn't he take the first plane out?

And yeah, it was too late to cancel my flight so down a few hundred quid too.

Calypso Realm · 30-07-2019 04:57PM

bitofabind wrote: »

Cue like 5 days of silence, which is totally uncharacteristic of him and after which I texted him and told him I was pretty disappointed to not have heard from him and he hadn't made me feel great this week. He got super defensive to that - "I've been 100% honest with you....I've not been in touch because my son is my priority" - and effectively ended it there. "I like you but I don't think this is going to work".

OK, I haven't read the other replies but and assuming problem with son it's true (and we've no reason to believe otherwise) you were making this about you so essentially adding to his existing problems. Instead of giving him some space (and letting HIM roll back round to you when this had blown over) as far as he was concerned, you were an additional stress he just didn't want to deal with! So something to learn for next time. (I'm pretty sure just sending a 'supportive' text hoping everything was OK would have elicited a very different response!)

Having said all that, I did feel there were some red-flags in terms of him coming on a bit strong just after you two had met ie missing you, beautiful etc. Also do you want to date someone with children? Who will always be a priority in his life, at least at this stage anyway. I know I wouldn't but that's totally your decision.

bottlebrush · 30-07-2019 05:01PM

well consider it money well spent on finding out what he is really like. while you would never do something to somebody else like what he has done to you, not everybody is as honest as you and it takes a hell of a lot longer than knowing somebody for four days and some texts and phone calls afterwards to know what a person is really like underneath all the charm.
and don't let it put you off. you have to give everybody a fair chance to show their true colours, and when they do, believe them the first time. just don't commit to something too ambitious, like a trip abroad together, too early on in the relationship. don't know if you live in Ireland, but if he arranged to fly here to see you, and his plans changed either genuinely or otherwise, while you would be disappointed. the hit wouldn't be so bad. the thing is you don't know what anybody is like until the relationship is tested, and lucky for you, the test came early on
good luck op

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 05:28PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

OK, I haven't read the other replies but and assuming problem with son it's true (and we've no reason to believe otherwise) you were making this about you so essentially adding to his existing problems. Instead of giving him some space (and letting HIM roll back round to you when this had blown over) as far as he was concerned, you were an additional stress he just didn't want to deal with! So something to learn for next time. (I'm pretty sure just sending a 'supportive' text hoping everything was OK would have elicited a very different response!)

I can totally see this point of view. And it's helpful because I can learn from it. But I just feel there's too much information missing for me to know if I "blew it" by not being supportive at an extremely stressful time for him with his family, or if he never intended to fly to Spain at all and this was just a handy excuse.

My point to him was, he absolutely should prioritise his son and I'd never tell him otherwise. But if you're cancelling plans like this at the last minute, plans that HE instigated and that ended up leaving me out of pocket, that's a phone call. Not a text and then silence. Especially when he was someone that called me habitually anyway.

I don't feel like someone would end it all over something like this if they were really keen on you, but then what do I know. He was really defensive with me.

bottlebrush wrote: »

well consider it money well spent on finding out what he is really like. while you would never do something to somebody else like what he has done to you, not everybody is as honest as you and it takes a hell of a lot longer than knowing somebody for four days and some texts and phone calls afterwards to know what a person is really like underneath all the charm.
and don't let it put you off. you have to give everybody a fair chance to show their true colours, and when they do, believe them the first time. just don't commit to something too ambitious, like a trip abroad together, too early on in the relationship. don't know if you live in Ireland, but if he arranged to fly here to see you, and his plans changed either genuinely or otherwise, while you would be disappointed. the hit wouldn't be so bad. the thing is you don't know what anybody is like until the relationship is tested, and lucky for you, the test came early on
home luck op

Thanks Bottlebrush, that made me feel a little better. It's so hard to balance "giving a fair chance" with self-preservation and trying not to over-invest in someone and these types of situations really leave me feeling hopeless and like I never want to take a chance on someone ever again!

Dial Hard · 30-07-2019 05:51PM

bitofabind wrote:

I don't see how it benefits me to think that he never intended to meet me in Spain

Because realising and accepting that this really is the most likely explanation may make you a bit more sensible in future.

Sorry, OP, I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, you'll look back at this in a bit and laugh/cringe.

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 06:13PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Because realising and accepting that this really is the most likely explanation may make you a bit more sensible in future.

Sorry, OP, I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, you'll look back at this in a bit and laugh/cringe.

I don't know, is it really likely that he lied about it all? Decided he wasn't going to bother meeting and made up some elaborate lie? We'd been talking about it and making plans up until the week before.

I know he booked his flights, but when it came to booking a hotel he put it off until the last minute. I messaged him about it on the Monday before, he said yep, doing it tonight, and the next time I heard from him he was calling the whole thing off. Big long war and peace message at 4am US time about how his eldest son called him in a panic and he was going to have to cancel our plans.

It's just so hard to believe, I mean this is a man with a very important job, kids, that pursued me for weeks on end.

Dial Hard · 30-07-2019 06:20PM

bitofabind wrote:

I don't know, is it really likely that he lied about it all?

Yes. Far more likely than a man with a "very important job" and kids being prepared to go to the expense and trouble of flying across the Atlantic to meet someone he'd known for four days. Sorry.

Idle Passerby · 30-07-2019 06:23PM

bitofabind wrote: »

It's just so hard to believe, I mean this is a man with a very important job, kids, that pursued me for weeks on end.

He didn't pursue you though. You had a brief encounter several weeks ago and then you both kept the fantasy alive for a few weeks by keeping in touch and making far fetched plans for a future separated by thousands of miles. It was never a realistic situation.

Don't take it so much to heart that it came to an abrupt end. I think he snapped back into reality and realised it was never going to go anywhere.

A little holiday fling in Spain would have been nice but with him being based in the US and having children there, and you living presumably in Ireland how was it ever really going to become what you were building it up to be on your head?

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 06:24PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Yes. Far more likely than a man with a "very important job" and kids being prepared to go to the expense and trouble of flying across the Atlantic to meet someone he'd known for four days. Sorry.

Then why did he instigate the whole thing? He asked me to meet him. He suggested Spain. He booked his flights first and convinced me to do the same. And why make the effort of keeping in touch every day for 6 weeks after? He's also someone that travels non-stop for work so it didn't strike me as something I should second guess.

I mean jesus, I don't know what to believe anymore. It's like the only way to not be screwed over on the dating scene is to assume everyone you meet is a liar until you see evidence that they're not.

bottlebrush · 30-07-2019 06:25PM

think about it. in your own words you say you got a text from him cancelling the plans. and then silence. not a phone call.

wouldn't you think if he was genuine yes it should have been done by phone and not alone that, he should have been talking about rearranging such as "would it suit you to go next week instead, let me get on to the hotel to see if we can change the booking, can you get on to your airline and see if you can change flights" etc.
isn't that what you would do if you had to change plans with a friend?

Dial Hard · 30-07-2019 06:26PM

bitofabind wrote:

Then why did he instigate the whole thing?

A fantasy he got carried away with, most likely.

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 06:36PM

bottlebrush wrote: »

think about it. in your own words you say you got a text from him cancelling the plans. and then silence. not a phone call.

wouldn't you think if he was genuine yes it should have been done by phone and not alone that, he should have been talking about rearranging such as "would it suit you to go next week instead, let me get on to the hotel to see if we can change the booking, can you get on to your airline and see if you can change flights" etc.
isn't that what you would do if you had to change plans with a friend?

Yeah thanks for this. This is exactly what you do when you're reneging on someone and you give a shyte about them. Thanks for the reality check.

The worst thing about this is how he made ME out to be the unreasonable one for expecting a bit of decency in the face of being massively let down. It was like by mentioning his son + some sort of emergency (seriously, don't teenage sons throw house parties almost as a rule....), it prohibited me from feeling let down or saying anything at all. And when I did, I'm suddenly being unreasonable and he suddenly ends it. It feels like gaslighting, but I could never say that because I've fcuk all evidence that this is either the truth or a lie in the first place.

jesus, I might just buy a few cats and be over with it all.

Faith · 30-07-2019 06:46PM

How sure are you that he’s divorced?

.

But I really feel for you, OP. Would I right in thinking this isn’t the first short-term relationship that hasn’t worked out for you? Maybe where you were promised a lot but it all fell apart without being delivered? I think you sound like someone who wears their heart on their sleeve and gives it openly and freely. I think that’s a strength, but it can also be a weakness because it can blind you to the truth.

I know it’s incredibly exposing to post here and responses can cut to the bone. But posters can see things more objectively than you can, even though you may feel that circumstances that we don’t understand put your expectations into context. All I will say is, if this isn’t the first time you’ve experienced something like this, then I’d recommend trying to sit with some of the more uncomfortable replies here and think about why they really get to you, and then frame that against your actions with this guy. Is it possible that you mis-read the situation? That you got overly invested too quickly and didn’t see the warning signs? And is it possible that’s a pattern of behavior for you?

tara73 · 30-07-2019 06:57PM

bitofabind wrote: »

I don't know, is it really likely that he lied about it all? Decided he wasn't going to bother meeting and made up some elaborate lie? We'd been talking about it and making plans up until the week before.

I know he booked his flights, but when it came to booking a hotel he put it off until the last minute. I messaged him about it on the Monday before, he said yep, doing it tonight, and the next time I heard from him he was calling the whole thing off. Big long war and peace message at 4am US time about how his eldest son called him in a panic and he was going to have to cancel our plans.

It's just so hard to believe, I mean this is a man with a very important job, kids, that pursued me for weeks on end.

this all sounds so familiar to stories a friend of mine told me. she used to go to conferences regarding her job in different continents to where she lived. and she more than once met guys there who saw their big chance for an adventure or more bluntly, for the chance to get sex. or an affair, however you want to call it. they were married and for a few days they saw themselves completely 'free', different continent, nobody knows them there, big hurray.

So how do you know your guy is not married or has a partner? Just because he told you he is divorced?

I think his wife got suspicious of him wanting to go to spain on his own for whatever reason he gave. that's why he had to call it off last minute. What a ridiculous story about his son.

And how do you know he booked the flights? Did he send you the tickets?

I don't know your age (would be interesting to know his age, possible he's somewhere in the agegroup 45-55?) but you sound a bit naive. Also, working in an 'important job' how you call it doesn't make the people act all morally high. Quite the opposite often.

I hope you learn from things like this. Poeple who are so full on in the beginning almost always disappear in the same speed.

bitofabind · 30-07-2019 07:17PM

Thanks Faith. I had a big breakup about two years ago that cut me really deeply, took me about a year to recover from that and my dating life has been a steady flow of false starts like this one ever since. It's like I have no problem attracting men, (havnt used apps because they're brutal!) but there's definitely a pattern with this hot-and-cold stuff, or me simply reciprocating a guy's interest until I'm emotionally invested, at which point he loses interest and backs off.

It's really painful to be honest. This latest one really stings.

I know he's divorced because he actually introduced me quickly to his kids over facetime so unless they're in on it (!!) i'm taking it that's true. We know mutual people at the company he works at and he told me that he told them too. His ex wife doesn't seem to be in their lives because she's got mental health issues, so he's a single dad. He did have a longterm ex, I found her on social media and they're still following each other but honestly that's as far as I'm prepared to go on the cyber stalking, bad enough as it is. Who the hell knows anymore.

He wasn't out for sex, he actually seemed very chaste on that front, doesn't do casual sex or dating is what he told me. Has to see longterm potential with someone before he sleeps with them. Of course anything is possible, but I'm guessing he simply wasn't able to or was unwilling to commit to this trip with me once back in the reality of every day life, decided he wasn't going to go and built some sort of narrative around that.

Edit: he sent me screen grabs of his flights which is how I know he was booked.

Porklife · 30-07-2019 07:44PM

Up until your most recent post I felt that people were being hard on you but now you do come across as incredibly naïve. He doesn't have sex unless he sees a long-term potential....that is laughable and the definition of a line!
You seem really lovely Op and you don't deserve this. I think he simply changed his mind in the cold light of day. It's disappointing and it stings but it's not really a reflection on you. Try to dust yourself off and move on. I know it's hard. I'm so sick of dating too and all the guess work and bull****. I'm with you on the cats idea

Porklife · 30-07-2019 08:00PM

Up until your most recent post I felt that people were being hard on you but now you do come across as incredibly naïve. He doesn't have sex unless he sees a long-term potential....that is laughable and the definition of a line!
You seem really lovely Op and you don't deserve this. I think he simply changed his mind in the cold light of day. It's disappointing and it stings but it's not really a reflection on you. Try to dust yourself off and move on. I know it's hard. I'm so sick of dating too and all the guess work and bull****. I'm with you on the cats idea

ke3jnzo8bwihy0 · 30-07-2019 08:45PM

Why would he book flights and not a hotel? He could have booked and cancelled 24hrs beforehand on the likes of booking.com .... But eh then if you were still intending on travelling you'd still require the booking. It's very fishy!

leggo · 30-07-2019 09:50PM

This is all super intense for what it actually was.

To answer your question, “I like you but...” generally means “You’re grand for now, I fancy a bit of romance and excitement and I quite enjoy spending time with you and fancy you, but you’re not a long term prospect and what I want long-term.”

But also, you’re getting totally swept up here in something that’s not realistic. He’s from the States, he’s got kids there so that’s not changing, you’re focusing on his ‘very important job’ and letting the excitement of it all blind you to the fact that it was an unworkable situation that was always going to end badly. And it’s actually more likely that it’d end over text because when one of you had lost interest you could literally just disappear with the distance, and the distance also made it so you couldn’t get overly attached to each other as a real prospect.

I say this a lot on here but look up ‘attachment styles’ sometime. I think a lot of the questions that are plaguing you here and in general will make sense if you do, and you’ll be able to put yourself in a better chance to succeed next time around.

Dublinmuppet · 30-07-2019 09:57PM

You are getting very hung up on this. You had a kiss. It was hardly a night of mad sex and undying love. His kid will always be his priority so relax and if it happens it happens

"I like you, but..."

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