"I like you, but..."

bitofabind

I've been getting hit with this line on the dating scene recently and i'd love to hear people's thoughts. Especially any guys who might have used it themselves!

Most recently, I had a thing with an American guy that I met at a work-related event in Europe. It was four days of hard work, we work in the same industry and were positioned right next to each other and things developed. There was blatant attraction there and he seemed so interested in me. We had an innocent kiss on the last day, then he flew back to the US and I went back home.

Before he left he told me he'd love to see me when he's in my town the next few months, but he'd also love to meet up before then if I'd be up for it. He stayed in touch every day by text and facetime and we agreed to meet in Spain what should've been last weekend.

He'd been really direct and forward with me since that first event, telling me every day that he missed me, how beautiful I was, work chat, future plans, all of that. Then suddenly two days before Spain I get a long text from him saying one of his kids was in trouble and he couldn't make the trip. (He's divorced and a single parent with 2 teenagers). The trouble was that his youngest fella threw a house party and the cops were called and neighbours were pissed off. I was disappointed but what can you do.

Cue like 5 days of silence, which is totally uncharacteristic of him and after which I texted him and told him I was pretty disappointed to not have heard from him and he hadn't made me feel great this week. He got super defensive to that - "I've been 100% honest with you....I've not been in touch because my son is my priority" - and effectively ended it there. "I like you but I don't think this is going to work".

So now I'm pretty cut up about it all as I felt like he was different and I really let my guard down this time. Despite us living in different countries, he had been so attentive and so forward with me and the sudden rejection and silence is so hurtful. And there's a lot of work crossover too - he's someone that it's good to have as a contact.

I've had time to reflect, and I've realised the last guy that I was sort of seeing a few months ago ended things with a similar line "I like you, but..." He also had chased me, texted me all day every day, all about me until suddenly I became old news.

Both pretty painful experiences, this second one has really dented my self esteem because I felt so "safe" with this guy this time, he really seemed to be a man of his word and we had such a strong connection.

I guess I'm wondering what I can do to protect myself from this happening again? And if there's something in my behaviour that might've caused this hot-and-coldness?

Hoboo

He was taking care of his sick son, and you rang him to chastise him rather than to see how HE and his son were? And all after just sharing some flirting and a kiss. I think that could be the issue here, not him.

LLewellen Farquarson

Hoboo wrote: »

He was taking care of his sick son, and you rang him to chastise him rather than to see how HE and his son were? And all after just sharing some flirting and a kiss. I think that could be the issue here, not him.

And "he hadn't made you feel great" this jumped out at me.
Surely that's not his responsibility. And why didn't you contact him during the 5 days to see if everything was ok?

bitofabind

His son wasn't sick, he had thrown a house party and pissed off the neighbours. This guy lives in a different state to him so flew back to get the situation under control. He said he'd call me to discuss making other plans, five days later he hadn't called so I dropped him a text.

I had booked my travel and time off to meet him so I don't think it was unreasonable to expect he would have called (especially when he said he would call)

Hoboo

Am I going nuts or was that OP changed from sick son to house party and cops?

bitofabind

Let's get this out of the way before I get hung out to dry for this entire situation being my fault and me editing my OP to make me look like less of an asshole.

No, I never said "sick son". I said "his son was in trouble" and then I edited to add more details about exactly what happened as I knew that paints a clearer picture here.

ncmc

You knew this guy for 4 days, had one innocent kiss and had booked travel to Spain to meet him off the back of this? Seems like way too intense for someone you barely know.

Idle Passerby

Maybe this guy was genuine about liking you/wanting a future. Then the issue with his son arose and he realised that as a father of two teenagers it isn't practical for him to be starting a trans Atlantic relationship with someone he just met. Pretty reasonable conclusion to come to really! I'd read it as he liked you but life is too complicated already for jumping into a potentially very complicated relationship.

The other guy, he probably liked you fine but not enough to invest in something serious. Generally "I like you, but" can be read as, your great but I'm not interested enough to persue it any further.

There's nothing sinister or worrying about either scenario in my opinion.

Sardonicat

ncmc wrote: »

You knew this guy for 4 days, had one innocent kiss and had booked travel to Spain to meet him off the back of this? Seems like way too intense for someone you barely know.

This. He told you every day he missed you? You were in each other's company for 4 days! How could he miss you, he doesn't know you!

OP, if you want to protect yourself from situations like this you need to start recognising that genuine people don't say things that extreme after 4 days of a work event.

The most likely scenario is he had no intention of travelling to Spain and was indulging in a long distance ego boost, or, a more conveniently located prospect presented itself.

It's not you, it's him. But you really need to cop on a bit and learn to recognise these very obvious red flags.

bitofabind

Sardonicat wrote: »

This. He told you every day he missed you? You were in each other's company for 4 days! How could he miss you, he doesn't know you!

OP, if you want to protect yourself from situations like this you need to start recognising that genuine people don't say things that extreme after 4 days of a work event.

The most likely scenario is he had no intention of travelling to Spain and was indulging in a long distance ego boost, or, a more conveniently located prospect presented itself.

It's not you, it's him. But you really need to cop on a bit and learn to recognise these very obvious red flags.

Yeah he was pretty OTT, I know you're right I guess I just got carried away as I liked him so much. We talked or texted every single day until recently.

Anything is possible of course, but I don't want to believe he had no intention on meeting me in Spain, he had his flight booked etc.

bottlebrush

I'm sorry op but I think he had already decided before the incident with his son (if this actually happened) that this wasn't going to work out. cue the five days of silence - if somebody is really into you they always find the time to send a quick text even in a crisis and this wasn't even a life or death event
my only advice is to not get too invested too quickly like thinking you have finally met 'the one' and if it doesn't work with this guy there are no other men left in the world! you are probably out of pocket too unfortunately because your trip to Spain didn't work out?

bitofabind

bottlebrush wrote: »

I'm sorry op but I think he had already decided before the incident with his son (if this actually happened) that this wasn't going to work out. cue the five days of silence - if somebody is really into you they always find the time to send a quick text even in a crisis and this wasn't even a life or death event
my only advice is to not get too invested too quickly like thinking you have finally met 'the one' and if it doesn't work with this guy there are no other men left in the world! you are probably out of pocket too unfortunately because your trip to Spain didn't work out?

Yeah bottlebrush this did occur to me, but I don't see how it benefits me to think that he never intended to meet me in Spain and who would lie about something like that? I really didn't think that was something he'd be capable of. But it has left me torn between, "did he actually lie and use my reaction as an excuse to end things?" and "has he been so pissed off at my lack of support that he's ended things?" It's such a tricky one.

He did text me that evening after cancelling, something innocuous and an "I'm soooooooo sorry" but it was so glib in the face of my plans being cancelled last minute and I was expecting a phone call like he promised so I gave him a few days before getting back to him. I texted him asking to speak on Saturday, he didn't reply so texted again on Sunday and he said he flew back on Friday and had been sick ever since. The timeline of everything just really sets the alarm bells ringing - if it was an emergency why didn't he take the first plane out?

And yeah, it was too late to cancel my flight so down a few hundred quid too.

Calypso Realm

bitofabind wrote: »

Cue like 5 days of silence, which is totally uncharacteristic of him and after which I texted him and told him I was pretty disappointed to not have heard from him and he hadn't made me feel great this week. He got super defensive to that - "I've been 100% honest with you....I've not been in touch because my son is my priority" - and effectively ended it there. "I like you but I don't think this is going to work".

OK, I haven't read the other replies but and assuming problem with son it's true (and we've no reason to believe otherwise) you were making this about you so essentially adding to his existing problems. Instead of giving him some space (and letting HIM roll back round to you when this had blown over) as far as he was concerned, you were an additional stress he just didn't want to deal with! So something to learn for next time. (I'm pretty sure just sending a 'supportive' text hoping everything was OK would have elicited a very different response!)

Having said all that, I did feel there were some red-flags in terms of him coming on a bit strong just after you two had met ie missing you, beautiful etc. Also do you want to date someone with children? Who will always be a priority in his life, at least at this stage anyway. I know I wouldn't but that's totally your decision.

bottlebrush

well consider it money well spent on finding out what he is really like. while you would never do something to somebody else like what he has done to you, not everybody is as honest as you and it takes a hell of a lot longer than knowing somebody for four days and some texts and phone calls afterwards to know what a person is really like underneath all the charm.
and don't let it put you off. you have to give everybody a fair chance to show their true colours, and when they do, believe them the first time. just don't commit to something too ambitious, like a trip abroad together, too early on in the relationship. don't know if you live in Ireland, but if he arranged to fly here to see you, and his plans changed either genuinely or otherwise, while you would be disappointed. the hit wouldn't be so bad. the thing is you don't know what anybody is like until the relationship is tested, and lucky for you, the test came early on
good luck op

bitofabind

Calypso Realm wrote: »

OK, I haven't read the other replies but and assuming problem with son it's true (and we've no reason to believe otherwise) you were making this about you so essentially adding to his existing problems. Instead of giving him some space (and letting HIM roll back round to you when this had blown over) as far as he was concerned, you were an additional stress he just didn't want to deal with! So something to learn for next time. (I'm pretty sure just sending a 'supportive' text hoping everything was OK would have elicited a very different response!)

I can totally see this point of view. And it's helpful because I can learn from it. But I just feel there's too much information missing for me to know if I "blew it" by not being supportive at an extremely stressful time for him with his family, or if he never intended to fly to Spain at all and this was just a handy excuse.

My point to him was, he absolutely should prioritise his son and I'd never tell him otherwise. But if you're cancelling plans like this at the last minute, plans that HE instigated and that ended up leaving me out of pocket, that's a phone call. Not a text and then silence. Especially when he was someone that called me habitually anyway.

I don't feel like someone would end it all over something like this if they were really keen on you, but then what do I know. He was really defensive with me.

bottlebrush wrote: »

well consider it money well spent on finding out what he is really like. while you would never do something to somebody else like what he has done to you, not everybody is as honest as you and it takes a hell of a lot longer than knowing somebody for four days and some texts and phone calls afterwards to know what a person is really like underneath all the charm.
and don't let it put you off. you have to give everybody a fair chance to show their true colours, and when they do, believe them the first time. just don't commit to something too ambitious, like a trip abroad together, too early on in the relationship. don't know if you live in Ireland, but if he arranged to fly here to see you, and his plans changed either genuinely or otherwise, while you would be disappointed. the hit wouldn't be so bad. the thing is you don't know what anybody is like until the relationship is tested, and lucky for you, the test came early on
home luck op

Thanks Bottlebrush, that made me feel a little better. It's so hard to balance "giving a fair chance" with self-preservation and trying not to over-invest in someone and these types of situations really leave me feeling hopeless and like I never want to take a chance on someone ever again!

Dial Hard

bitofabind wrote:

I don't see how it benefits me to think that he never intended to meet me in Spain

Because realising and accepting that this really is the most likely explanation may make you a bit more sensible in future.

Sorry, OP, I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, you'll look back at this in a bit and laugh/cringe.

bitofabind

Dial Hard wrote: »

Because realising and accepting that this really is the most likely explanation may make you a bit more sensible in future.

Sorry, OP, I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, you'll look back at this in a bit and laugh/cringe.

I don't know, is it really likely that he lied about it all? Decided he wasn't going to bother meeting and made up some elaborate lie? We'd been talking about it and making plans up until the week before.

I know he booked his flights, but when it came to booking a hotel he put it off until the last minute. I messaged him about it on the Monday before, he said yep, doing it tonight, and the next time I heard from him he was calling the whole thing off. Big long war and peace message at 4am US time about how his eldest son called him in a panic and he was going to have to cancel our plans.

It's just so hard to believe, I mean this is a man with a very important job, kids, that pursued me for weeks on end.

Dial Hard

bitofabind wrote:

I don't know, is it really likely that he lied about it all?

Yes. Far more likely than a man with a "very important job" and kids being prepared to go to the expense and trouble of flying across the Atlantic to meet someone he'd known for four days. Sorry.

Idle Passerby

bitofabind wrote: »

It's just so hard to believe, I mean this is a man with a very important job, kids, that pursued me for weeks on end.

He didn't pursue you though. You had a brief encounter several weeks ago and then you both kept the fantasy alive for a few weeks by keeping in touch and making far fetched plans for a future separated by thousands of miles. It was never a realistic situation.

Don't take it so much to heart that it came to an abrupt end. I think he snapped back into reality and realised it was never going to go anywhere.

A little holiday fling in Spain would have been nice but with him being based in the US and having children there, and you living presumably in Ireland how was it ever really going to become what you were building it up to be on your head?

bitofabind

Dial Hard wrote: »

Yes. Far more likely than a man with a "very important job" and kids being prepared to go to the expense and trouble of flying across the Atlantic to meet someone he'd known for four days. Sorry.

Then why did he instigate the whole thing? He asked me to meet him. He suggested Spain. He booked his flights first and convinced me to do the same. And why make the effort of keeping in touch every day for 6 weeks after? He's also someone that travels non-stop for work so it didn't strike me as something I should second guess.

I mean jesus, I don't know what to believe anymore. It's like the only way to not be screwed over on the dating scene is to assume everyone you meet is a liar until you see evidence that they're not.

bottlebrush

think about it. in your own words you say you got a text from him cancelling the plans. and then silence. not a phone call.

wouldn't you think if he was genuine yes it should have been done by phone and not alone that, he should have been talking about rearranging such as "would it suit you to go next week instead, let me get on to the hotel to see if we can change the booking, can you get on to your airline and see if you can change flights" etc.
isn't that what you would do if you had to change plans with a friend?

Dial Hard

bitofabind wrote:

Then why did he instigate the whole thing?

A fantasy he got carried away with, most likely.

bitofabind

bottlebrush wrote: »

think about it. in your own words you say you got a text from him cancelling the plans. and then silence. not a phone call.

wouldn't you think if he was genuine yes it should have been done by phone and not alone that, he should have been talking about rearranging such as "would it suit you to go next week instead, let me get on to the hotel to see if we can change the booking, can you get on to your airline and see if you can change flights" etc.
isn't that what you would do if you had to change plans with a friend?

Yeah thanks for this. This is exactly what you do when you're reneging on someone and you give a shyte about them. Thanks for the reality check.

The worst thing about this is how he made ME out to be the unreasonable one for expecting a bit of decency in the face of being massively let down. It was like by mentioning his son + some sort of emergency (seriously, don't teenage sons throw house parties almost as a rule....), it prohibited me from feeling let down or saying anything at all. And when I did, I'm suddenly being unreasonable and he suddenly ends it. It feels like gaslighting, but I could never say that because I've fcuk all evidence that this is either the truth or a lie in the first place.

jesus, I might just buy a few cats and be over with it all.

Faith

How sure are you that he’s divorced?

.



But I really feel for you, OP. Would I right in thinking this isn’t the first short-term relationship that hasn’t worked out for you? Maybe where you were promised a lot but it all fell apart without being delivered? I think you sound like someone who wears their heart on their sleeve and gives it openly and freely. I think that’s a strength, but it can also be a weakness because it can blind you to the truth.

I know it’s incredibly exposing to post here and responses can cut to the bone. But posters can see things more objectively than you can, even though you may feel that circumstances that we don’t understand put your expectations into context. All I will say is, if this isn’t the first time you’ve experienced something like this, then I’d recommend trying to sit with some of the more uncomfortable replies here and think about why they really get to you, and then frame that against your actions with this guy. Is it possible that you mis-read the situation? That you got overly invested too quickly and didn’t see the warning signs? And is it possible that’s a pattern of behavior for you?

tara73

bitofabind wrote: »

I don't know, is it really likely that he lied about it all? Decided he wasn't going to bother meeting and made up some elaborate lie? We'd been talking about it and making plans up until the week before.

I know he booked his flights, but when it came to booking a hotel he put it off until the last minute. I messaged him about it on the Monday before, he said yep, doing it tonight, and the next time I heard from him he was calling the whole thing off. Big long war and peace message at 4am US time about how his eldest son called him in a panic and he was going to have to cancel our plans.

It's just so hard to believe, I mean this is a man with a very important job, kids, that pursued me for weeks on end.

this all sounds so familiar to stories a friend of mine told me. she used to go to conferences regarding her job in different continents to where she lived. and she more than once met guys there who saw their big chance for an adventure or more bluntly, for the chance to get sex. or an affair, however you want to call it. they were married and for a few days they saw themselves completely 'free', different continent, nobody knows them there, big hurray.

So how do you know your guy is not married or has a partner? Just because he told you he is divorced?

I think his wife got suspicious of him wanting to go to spain on his own for whatever reason he gave. that's why he had to call it off last minute. What a ridiculous story about his son.

And how do you know he booked the flights? Did he send you the tickets?

I don't know your age (would be interesting to know his age, possible he's somewhere in the agegroup 45-55?) but you sound a bit naive. Also, working in an 'important job' how you call it doesn't make the people act all morally high. Quite the opposite often.

I hope you learn from things like this. Poeple who are so full on in the beginning almost always disappear in the same speed.

bitofabind

Thanks Faith. I had a big breakup about two years ago that cut me really deeply, took me about a year to recover from that and my dating life has been a steady flow of false starts like this one ever since. It's like I have no problem attracting men, (havnt used apps because they're brutal!) but there's definitely a pattern with this hot-and-cold stuff, or me simply reciprocating a guy's interest until I'm emotionally invested, at which point he loses interest and backs off.

It's really painful to be honest. This latest one really stings.

I know he's divorced because he actually introduced me quickly to his kids over facetime so unless they're in on it (!!) i'm taking it that's true. We know mutual people at the company he works at and he told me that he told them too. His ex wife doesn't seem to be in their lives because she's got mental health issues, so he's a single dad. He did have a longterm ex, I found her on social media and they're still following each other but honestly that's as far as I'm prepared to go on the cyber stalking, bad enough as it is. Who the hell knows anymore.

He wasn't out for sex, he actually seemed very chaste on that front, doesn't do casual sex or dating is what he told me. Has to see longterm potential with someone before he sleeps with them. Of course anything is possible, but I'm guessing he simply wasn't able to or was unwilling to commit to this trip with me once back in the reality of every day life, decided he wasn't going to go and built some sort of narrative around that.

Edit: he sent me screen grabs of his flights which is how I know he was booked.

Porklife

Up until your most recent post I felt that people were being hard on you but now you do come across as incredibly naïve. He doesn't have sex unless he sees a long-term potential....that is laughable and the definition of a line!
You seem really lovely Op and you don't deserve this. I think he simply changed his mind in the cold light of day. It's disappointing and it stings but it's not really a reflection on you. Try to dust yourself off and move on. I know it's hard. I'm so sick of dating too and all the guess work and bull****. I'm with you on the cats idea

Porklife

Up until your most recent post I felt that people were being hard on you but now you do come across as incredibly naïve. He doesn't have sex unless he sees a long-term potential....that is laughable and the definition of a line!
You seem really lovely Op and you don't deserve this. I think he simply changed his mind in the cold light of day. It's disappointing and it stings but it's not really a reflection on you. Try to dust yourself off and move on. I know it's hard. I'm so sick of dating too and all the guess work and bull****. I'm with you on the cats idea

ke3jnzo8bwihy0

Why would he book flights and not a hotel? He could have booked and cancelled 24hrs beforehand on the likes of booking.com .... But eh then if you were still intending on travelling you'd still require the booking. It's very fishy!

leggo

This is all super intense for what it actually was.

To answer your question, “I like you but...” generally means “You’re grand for now, I fancy a bit of romance and excitement and I quite enjoy spending time with you and fancy you, but you’re not a long term prospect and what I want long-term.”

But also, you’re getting totally swept up here in something that’s not realistic. He’s from the States, he’s got kids there so that’s not changing, you’re focusing on his ‘very important job’ and letting the excitement of it all blind you to the fact that it was an unworkable situation that was always going to end badly. And it’s actually more likely that it’d end over text because when one of you had lost interest you could literally just disappear with the distance, and the distance also made it so you couldn’t get overly attached to each other as a real prospect.

I say this a lot on here but look up ‘attachment styles’ sometime. I think a lot of the questions that are plaguing you here and in general will make sense if you do, and you’ll be able to put yourself in a better chance to succeed next time around.

Dublinmuppet

You are getting very hung up on this. You had a kiss. It was hardly a night of mad sex and undying love. His kid will always be his priority so relax and if it happens it happens

bottlebrush

Nathaniel Gorgeous Pearl wrote: »

Why would he book flights and not a hotel? He could have booked and cancelled 24hrs beforehand on the likes of booking.com .... But eh then if you were still intending on travelling you'd still require the booking. It's very fishy!

possibly a work related trip he was going on anyway?

banie01

As others have alluded to, there is an intensity to you that could come across as quite cligy and even a little desperate or possessive particularly considering there was no actual relationship!

From my own point of view, it would be an instant red flag if someone I had basically been on a date with and discussed seeing again had acted the way the OP did.

Dublinmuppet

banie01 wrote: »

As others have alluded to, there is an intensity to you that could come across as quite cligy and even a little desperate or possessive particularly considering there was no actual relationship!

From my own point of view, it would be an instant red flag if someone I had basically been on a date with and discussed seeing again had acted the way the OP did.

All too intense. He is running scared. The OP might want to chill out and move on from this.

bitofabind

OK. So based on the advice here I'm either desperate and clingy, or naive and wearing blinkers? So confusing. How am I coming across as intense and needy?

It wasn't "just a kiss" either, this was six weeks of daily texts and phone calls, usually lasting longer than an hour.

Dublinmuppet

No one wants to shoot you down or upset you. You are coming across as a little intense but it’s hard to judge as we don’t know you. Obviously the guy was not the right fit for you. Distance and he has a lot of baggage so it makes things difficult. Kids always come first and I would drop a lover for my kids every time. We only know your side we don’t know his version. Just sit back don’t do the running and it will happen for you.

Calypso Realm

bitofabind wrote: »

OK. So based on the advice here I'm either desperate and clingy, or naive and wearing blinkers? So confusing. How am I coming across as intense and needy?
.

OP, I don't think you're needy, clingy or desperate. You had the disappointment of having your weekend plans cancelled at short notice in additon to the abrupt ending of something you thought was going somewhere. So understandably you're hurt and upset! So a lot to take in and deal with all at once. However I do think that level of daily contact was def too much too soon and something which is not sustainable in the long-run.

I, for one, do believe something did actually happen which made him cancel his plans-the exact details of which or the true extent of he may not want to divulge to you. For instance, in the case of the son it's perfectly possible it's more serious than he relayed to you- there may be drugs involved, the son might have had a few prior run-ins with the law before etc etc.( I worked with a few like this who would leave at a critical time at the drop of a hat if something happened to one of their older kids.) So for those 'silent' days this was his main and only focus.

Also, it's perfectly possible, although I wouldn't necessarily bank on it as only time will tell, when things have calmed down a bit and he's got time to reflect on recent events, he will be back in touch again! So in that case you have to think what you would want should that happen. However,not that I think you'd intend to, but do NOT on any account contact him at any point, whatever else you do!

ILoveYourVibes

You live in different countries so its not real to him.

Augme

bitofabind wrote: »

I guess I'm wondering what I can do to protect myself from this happening again? And if there's something in my behaviour that might've caused this hot-and-coldness?

You need to ask yourself why you are investing so much into guys you barely know? My guess is that you need to work on your own self esteem perhaps or not invest so much importance into finding someone.

Can't ever imagine being in a situation where I spend all my time texting someone I barely know. I have other things Id rather do with my time. I don't think it's ever healthy for someone to be investing so much of their time texting a relative stranger. If someone was looking to text me all the time it would be a huge red flag for me.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,
I genuinely feel for you,you got caught up in a moment and went with it,he said all the right things at the right time,you felt a v strong connection and you let your guard down and common sense be damned. It does happen,trust me you're not the first and you certainly won't be the last......and that's not a cliché.
Here's the thing,not everyone has the same moral compass as you,I'm going to guess you're one of those "treat others as you would like them to treat you" kind of people,if you say it,you mean it,if you mean it you do it......(and that's certainly not a bad thing).
But not everyone is like that. Sometime you have to stop,step back and look at it from the outside and be a little cynical.......think about it,if it was your best friend in that situation.......4 days of work,one brief kiss and he's all talk about visiting her town,doing a weekend in Spain .......then hits her with 5 days of radio silence because of his son getting into some trouble......what would you say/advise her?
Brutal honesty,he was probably attracted to you,but the reality of distance hit him when he was back on home soil.......and he has taken the easy for him option. But your reaction is OTT. You mentally invested in this situation way too much too soon.My advice,delete any contact info you have for this guy and although a lot of people may roll their eyes at my next bit of advice,look into speaking to someone ,not because of this particular instance but because your self esteem seems to take such a negative impact from two rejections.Dating can be brutal,be it meeting online or through work or meeting out socially.......it's our reactions to it that make the difference, maybe talking to someone might help you see things from a different perspective.
Wish you all the best.

leggo

bitofabind wrote: »

OK. So based on the advice here I'm either desperate and clingy, or naive and wearing blinkers? So confusing. How am I coming across as intense and needy?

It wasn't "just a kiss" either, this was six weeks of daily texts and phone calls, usually lasting longer than an hour.

I just said intense for the record. I mean I think a lot of people get the disappointment you have, but also there’s perspective that comes into play then that kind of lets you shrug that off. This kinda stuff happens a LOT in dating: you have a kiss and text for a short while, make plans, plans get randomly scuppered when nothing seems to have changed. You just have to drop all those notions that were coming into your head and have no idea why, it IS **** like. The thing is most people can just write this off and be grand by the next morning. Whereas you seem to have put a lot into this and are talking about it like it was a 6-month relationship. Stuff like “I didn’t think he was that kind of person” lacks the perspective that you didn’t know what kind of person he was at all.

Your emotions are natural and you can’t control them, so don’t resist them or feel ashamed/foolish for having them. But at the same time try accept all of this, connect with it and ask yourself why you’re reacting this way and you’ll go far towards ensuring you don’t end up feeling this way again.

bitofabind

leggo wrote: »

The thing is most people can just write this off and be grand by the next morning.

Can they? I'm genuinely curious as to whether that's the normal / healthy emotional response here. Disappointment but "ah well, sh1t happens". I don't seem to be able to have that perspective, and that coupled with the fact that it always seems to be guy losing interest / walking away from me rather than a mutual thing or my decision...makes me feel like it's my behaviour that's the culprit here. I obviously need to learn how to control my emotions better.

I think it's because I'm in my 30s now and would love to meet someone, and because I don't use dating apps my experience is never that I'm casually dating a few people at one time, I'm pretty much focusing all my attention on one guy and obviously I get too invested too soon.

To sound like a bit of an eejit, can anyone suggest HOW I can change my responses and behaviours here? For context, it's not like I'm chasing these guys and messaging/calling them night and day, I pretty much take their lead as far as communication goes, but I just always seem to let my guard down and end up in this same position every time.

Porklife

bitofabind wrote: »

Can they? I'm genuinely curious as to whether that's the normal / healthy emotional response here. Disappointment but "ah well, sh1t happens". I don't seem to be able to have that perspective, and that coupled with the fact that it always seems to be guy losing interest / walking away from me rather than a mutual thing or my decision...makes me feel like it's my behaviour that's the culprit here. I obviously need to learn how to control my emotions better.

I think it's because I'm in my 30s now and would love to meet someone, and because I don't use dating apps my experience is never that I'm casually dating a few people at one time, I'm pretty much focusing all my attention on one guy and obviously I get too invested too soon.

To sound like a bit of an eejit, can anyone suggest HOW I can change my responses and behaviours here? For context, it's not like I'm chasing these guys and messaging/calling them night and day, I pretty much take their lead as far as communication goes, but I just always seem to let my guard down and end up in this same position every time.

You seem absolutely lovely OP! Don't be so hard on yourself. In this instance it was his behaviour that was ****ty and not yours, you didn't do anything wrong.
Of course you'd love to meet someone. I completely understand, I'm in the same boat. Chin up though sweetheart, this will pass.

Stevieluvsye

Hi OP

This is all a bit bizarre in my mind anyway.

Few questions to help me understand this

Have you been in many previous relationships?
Is it you think you are in last chance saloon relationship/kids wise?
Do you honestly think a long long distance relationship was/is going to work?
Do you think this guy thinks you're a bit nuts?
Do you not have real friends to ask for advice instead of posting to strangers on the net where you will get 50 different answers?

Porklife

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Hi OP

This is all a bit bizarre in my mind anyway.

Few questions to help me understand this

Have you been in many previous relationships?
Is it you think you are in last chance saloon relationship/kids wise?
Do you honestly think a long long distance relationship was/is going to work?
Do you think this guy thinks you're a bit nuts?
Do you not have real friends to ask for advice instead of posting to strangers on the net where you will get 50 different answers?

Why would he think she's nuts? Isn't the purpose of this forum to post anonymously to get objective opinions, the opposite of asking your friends?
Really mean and unhelpful post tbh.

Stevieluvsye

Porklife wrote: »

Why would he think she's nuts? Isn't the purpose of this forum to post anonymously to get objective opinions, the opposite of asking your friends?
Really mean and unhelpful post tbh.

Honestly, this all smacks of desperation. I'm sorry i had to spell this out but i'm sure other people here are thinking the same thing.

They have had 5 odd days of actual interaction, one kiss and the poor girl seems to be heartbroken

Porklife

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Honestly, this all smacks of desperation. I'm sorry i had to spell this out but i'm sure other people here are thinking the same thing.

They have had 5 odd days of actual interaction, one kiss and the poor girl seems to be heartbroken

That's actually a fair point. I guess she just really really wants to meet someone.

LegacyUser

Have you any hobbies, OP? What fills your down time?

I've noticed, through my own experience and watching friends, that those who have full lives hobbies etc, are less impacted when things don't work out and are less likely to lose the run of themselves. They are their number one priority and they won't be cancelling or rearranging hobbies or anything else for anyone. They live very full lives and any potential partner slots in to that life without becoming the focal point.

I'd recommend taking a step back from dating and, as corny as it might sound, fall in love with yourself and your life. Be so happy with the life you have that Mr Man is a welcome addition, but not the main attraction. And I'd say that for both men and women.

bitofabind

Have you been in many previous relationships?
I've had one long term one that ended 2 years ago.

Is it you think you are in last chance saloon relationship/kids wise?
Maybe? My age does play on my mind a bit, but it's not a conscious thought I'm having when I meet someone new. I'm undecided about whether i want kids or not.

Do you honestly think a long long distance relationship was/is going to work?
I didn't think that far ahead to be honest. I just wanted to get to know the guy as he seemed to want to do the same with me. I took a chance and agreed to meet him in Spain, my only expectations there were that we'd meet and get to spend some time getting to know each other better.

Do you think this guy thinks you're a bit nuts?
I'm not happy with the way it ended. I think "nuts" is a bit unfair, but I'm wondering now if I took things too far with him and I'm a bit embarrassed about opening up about how I felt and how that might've come across. He responded so harshly.

Do you not have real friends to ask for advice instead of posting to strangers on the net where you will get 50 different answers?
Yes I do and yes I have. They actually advised me to be honest with him and thought he acted like a dick. They can't believe he cancelled in the way that he did. They're my friends so they would say that though, so I came here to get a different perspective. Isn't that what this forum is about?

Stevieluvsye

bitofabind wrote: »

Have you been in many previous relationships?
I've had one long term one that ended 2 years ago.

Is it you think you are in last chance saloon relationship/kids wise?
Maybe? My age does play on my mind a bit, but it's not a conscious thought I'm having when I meet someone new. I'm undecided about whether i want kids or not.

Do you honestly think a long long distance relationship was/is going to work?
I didn't think that far ahead to be honest. I just wanted to get to know the guy as he seemed to want to do the same with me. I took a chance and agreed to meet him in Spain, my only expectations there were that we'd meet and get to spend some time getting to know each other better.

Do you think this guy thinks you're a bit nuts?
I'm not happy with the way it ended. I think "nuts" is a bit unfair, but I'm wondering now if I took things too far with him and I'm a bit embarrassed about opening up about how I felt and how that might've come across. He responded so harshly.

Do you not have real friends to ask for advice instead of posting to strangers on the net where you will get 50 different answers?
Yes I do and yes I have. They actually advised me to be honest with him and thought he acted like a dick. They can't believe he cancelled in the way that he did. They're my friends so they would say that though, so I came here to get a different perspective. Isn't that what this forum is about?

OK so based on your answers you come across as relatively normal. But honestly, this one's a dead duck. Move on. Don't waste any more energy. He's not interested.

On your last point, i would not use a forum for relationship advice as you will get answers that will make you doubt yourself even more.

Best of luck for the future and i hope you find what you are looking for

rainbowtrout

bitofabind wrote: »

Yeah he was pretty OTT, I know you're right I guess I just got carried away as I liked him so much. We talked or texted every single day until recently.

Anything is possible of course, but I don't want to believe he had no intention on meeting me in Spain, he had his flight booked etc.

OP trips to Spain from America don't just happen at the drop of a hat. If he had booked to go to Spain it would probably have come up in conversation, now I assume you were operating on the basis that he had booked, but realistically it was probably an ego boost for him. You met him and ye got on grand, and he might have genuinely liked you, but the reality of him living in America and you over here meant that it was unlikely to get going as a real prospect. Texts and online chat etc are grand but there's no real investment there when he's only met you once. My guess is that he realised you were seriously going to go to Spain and rather than say he was stringing you along, you got a spiel about a house party and then he cut contact.


He knows he can't continue having contact if you are going to push to meet up so he's nipped it in the bud.