How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

21-07-2019 02:47PM

Gimme A Pound wrote: »

What in the name of god are you on about?

Between calling a three-year-old girl a wagon, pretending an article was about something that it wasn't (in order to start having a go at women) and now this utter randomness... not a fan of the females are ya?

The 3 year old girl thing was joking and nothing to do with her being a girl.

As for your other comment the article was demeaning in the extreme to that guy - unfortunately the norm in the media these days. Some women - particularly Irish women - talk to guys like this way more than the other way round. It's somehow makes them feel superior or something. Personally I always just mentally labelled them bitches and ignored them, and talked to women with actual personalities instead. Every group has at least one of these in my experience.

21-07-2019 02:52PM

I find it amusing that some women seem to think that when Theresa May or Angela Merkel are talking on TV men are sitting there commenting on their looks instead of listening to what they are saying. Maybe a certain knuckle dragging type is, I don't know. Certainly isn't a conversation I ever remembered having in any event. Theresa's dance skills were commented on alright but so would Varadkars' socks or Michael Healy Raes cap.

Edit: or everything about Mick Wallace's wardrobe.

21-07-2019 03:01PM

Also if I'm an average single guy struggling with women, why would I pick a woman clearly in the top 5% of attractiveness and call her a potential 3/10? Smacks of bitterness to me.

21-07-2019 03:05PM

People should be 100% sure before they have kids. Having kids involves putiing your needs last for many years. If you're not prepared for that then don't have them.

lainey_d_123 · 21-07-2019 03:52PM

Deleted User wrote: »

No they don't? Most men don't do this as a rule. It's more commonly women commenting on other women. Who are these men you are talking about?

You don't hear them do it because you're not a woman!

ToddyDoody · 21-07-2019 04:01PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

People are idiots, in fairness

21-07-2019 05:06PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You don't hear them do it because you're not a woman!

Do you mean I somehow block it out or do they only say it in the company of women? I don't follow?

21-07-2019 05:15PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

have a little read back of the complaint you're making against "people" there and then your own spiteful projection in the same paragraph.

the world isnt going to suit everyone, a person has to put in a lot of work to get what they want in any sphere.

if it doesnt *ever* work out for a person, sure its possible that the world is the problem

the odds, as i understand them, are about 8 billion to one but theres always a chance i spose.

21-07-2019 05:44PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

I think the point ginandtonicsky is making is that we should try not to let it affect us.

People really don't care that much about other people. Some make judgy comments to make themselves feel better. Pro tip: don't ever go to the Netherlands - they are the bluntest people I've ever met.

d8491prj5boyvg · 22-07-2019 03:54PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. People are forever commenting on other people's life choices. I get it all the time. Am I not worried I'll not be able to have kids? Should I not be finding myself a partner before I'm any older and losing my looks? Am I not lonely? Is it not very shallow to prioritise weekends away and holidays over the joy of kids? Constant patronising guff from smug marrieds, some of whom are probably overcompensating for being miserable in their own marriages.

I think the point ginandtonicsky is making is that we should try not to let it affect us.

:rolleyes:. I'm sorry I tried.

kunst nugget · 22-07-2019 04:00PM

Sebastian Low Zenith wrote: »

:rolleyes:. I'm sorry I tried.

I wouldn't take that reply to heart. In the years I've been on boards, I honestly don't think I've dealt with any other poster as bitter as Lainey.

22-07-2019 04:04PM

But like, in fairness, the current situation regarding dating in the year 2019 probably engenders a certain level of bitterness..

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 06:00PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Do you mean I somehow block it out or do they only say it in the company of women? I don't follow?

What a stupid thing to say. It's like a white person telling a black person there's no racism in Ireland because he's never heard any. You don't tend to hear comments aimed at woman if you're.....not a woman.

Yeah, mindblowing, huh?

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 06:03PM

Deleted User wrote: »

have a little read back of the complaint you're making against "people" there and then your own spiteful projection in the same paragraph.

the world isnt going to suit everyone, a person has to put in a lot of work to get what they want in any sphere.

if it doesnt *ever* work out for a person, sure its possible that the world is the problem

the odds, as i understand them, are about 8 billion to one but theres always a chance i spose.

Not very good at logic, are we? I'm saying that people who are so determined to make others feel bad about themselves and judge their life choices must be doing so from a place of deep unhappiness, because people who are genuinely happy in themselves don't tend to try to crush others. If I'm minding my own business living my life and someone feels the need to interrogate me on things that have nothing to do with them, then yes, I'll assume they're overcompensating.

But sure, carry on with your petty little insults.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 06:05PM

kunst nugget wrote: »

I wouldn't take that reply to heart. In the years I've been on boards, I honestly don't think I've dealt with any other poster as bitter as Lainey.

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

cannotlogin · 22-07-2019 06:20PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

kunst nugget wrote: »

I wouldn't take that reply to heart. In the years I've been on boards, I honestly don't think I've dealt with any other poster as bitter as Lainey.

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

Thread has kind of wandered well off topic but anyhow, I think everyone is judged and everyone makes assumptions about people, it's human nature. Your own posts contain a lot of judgment too.

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think people don't judge men too. How good-looking they are? How successful they are? They fact the terms "dad bod" and "beer belly" exist confirms same. How often is a single man's sexuality questioned if he hasn't had a girlfriend in sometime? Still happens a lot, particularly in rural areas. It's not just women.

In reality, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, if you are happy and secure in yourself, you won't even care.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 06:21PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

Doesn't seem to have a problem with any other woman in the thread. Do you find people often exhibit such laser-precision misogyny towards you?

Cheers for crying wolf though, not like sh1t like that undermines actual sexism.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-07-2019 06:25PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yeah sorry for simply stating what ginandtonicsky was also saying - that people DO judge single women, especially those over a certain age. Endless nosy, patronising questions about why you're single.

You don't seem to like women speaking up about their reality, do you?

Most of my friends married in their mid to late thirties. One of them, in her 40s, had a baby recently. I don't recall anyone asking them why they're single.

I think they did get asked whether they were seeing anyone. But you get that at every life stage, you meet someone and youre asked if there are any wedding bells. You get engaged you're asked when the date is. When you get married you're asked 'any news' and if you're lucky enough to sprout some offspring the next one is usually whether there's a brother sister on the way.

I don't think any of it is ill intentioned or judging, just pure nosey. Single women are not on their own when it comes to this.

I doubt if anyone is judging you for being single, maybe the questions hit a nerve and it seems that way. Anyone who is judging has little else to be worrying them.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 06:32PM

cannotlogin wrote: »

Thread has kind of wandered well off topic but anyhow, I think everyone is judged and everyone makes assumptions about people, it's human nature. Your own posts contain a lot of judgment too.

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think people don't judge men too. How good-looking they are? How successful they are? They fact the terms "dad bod" and "beer belly" exist confirms same. How often is a single man's sexuality questioned if he hasn't had a girlfriend in sometime? Still happens a lot, particularly in rural areas. It's not just women.

In reality, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, if you are happy and secure in yourself, you won't even care.

Sure, of course men get comments, but not anywhere near to the same extent women do, according to my male friends who are single. There might be some talk of whether they're gay, but generally a single man with a good job and hobbies is assumed to be an eligible bachelor rather than a sad sack worthy of pity. I don't have any problem with being single in itself, other than worrying about my timeline for kids. It's the way other people treat you.

And no, it's not just me. I have a long term single friend of 43 who was saying she never gets invited to dinner parties or group weekends away because people just don't want a single woman when it's all couples. She's a lovely, positive person who loves her life, but even she gets fed up with people's weird, judgemental views on women who are single after a certain age. She feels like they're (other women in particular) almost threatened by her or something.

The fact is, it's 2019 and as far as the general population is concerned, a woman's value is still based around whether she's married and/or has kids. Every time someone at work gets engaged, there's a flurry of congratulations and cards and presents that goes on for days, endless chat about wedding venues and dresses. A colleague got her PhD recently, sent an email around about it and got a couple of lacklustre 'oh, that's brilliant' comments in reply. No collection for a present, no talk of cards, for something that is a real achievement and took years of hard work. Yet someone puts a diamond on your hand and everyone is over the moon.

It's very sad IMO.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 06:36PM

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Doesn't seem to have a problem with any other woman in the thread. Do you find people often exhibit such laser-precision misogyny towards you?

Cheers for crying wolf though, not like sh1t like that undermines actual sexism.

Nice minimising and gaslighting. If you think there's a limited range of what can be considered 'real sexism', I'm not wasting my time on you. I posted about my reality as a woman and had a man literally mansplaining that that wasn't right because he, as a man, hadn't seen it. If a man trying to tell a woman what her own experiences have been is not sexist to you, God help you.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 06:38PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Most of my friends married in their mid to late thirties. One of them, in her 40s, had a baby recently. I don't recall anyone asking them why they're single.

Well, they're not.

I think they did get asked whether they were seeing anyone. But you get that at every life stage, you meet someone and youre asked if there are any wedding bells. You get engaged you're asked when the date is. When you get married you're asked 'any news' and if you're lucky enough to sprout some offspring the next one is usually whether there's a brother sister on the way.

I don't think any of it is ill intentioned or judging, just pure nosey. Single women are not on their own when it comes to this.

I doubt if anyone is judging you for being single, maybe the questions hit a nerve and it seems that way. Anyone who is judging has little else to be worrying them.

Yes, sometimes it's just idle small talk, but there is very often an edge to these kinds of questions. And sometimes people actually come out and ask me incredibly intrusive things like 'are you not worried you'll be too old for kids?' Way more often that you seem to think.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 06:39PM

I've been following this thread with interest and it's one of the reasons I signed back up.

I had two relationships in college, and none since. I'm 31 so that's 10 years now. I've had a lot of 'almosts' where I've gone on a few dates but it didn't work out, several friends-with-benefits situations and the odd ONS. I also have a lot of very meaningful platonic male friendships.

I do wonder what's wrong with me sometimes - and is it me or have I just had bad luck? I have issues with my mental health and self-esteem, but I know a lot of people with similar issues who have been able to find and maintain stable relationships.

I'm a valued friend, I'm considered fun - was thought of as a bit of a mad bitch in earlier years and that rep seems to follow me around even though it's no longer really true and hasn't been for quite a while.

Online dating is a nightmare and because I don't drink and I'm in my 30s now, I'm not on nights out that often.

I'd be interested to hear any genuine advice people have for meeting someone nice. I already have a number of hobbies and I'm outgoing.

AryaStark · 22-07-2019 06:39PM

Me and my ex partner tried for kids for years and were never able... I am now single and have been trying to have a baby by myself! Am 40 still in love with my ex who I split with nearly 10 years ago and have no interest in trying to find a suitable partner to have a baby with. I have had fertility tests and had to have surgery early this year and am now hopefully fertile! Have to have some more tests and will then be trying a round of ivf...
I will only be able to try one round and if it fails then I have to accept that it is not to be... I am almost scared to try as if it fails it will be so terrible. I had a few miscarriages when I was younger and am always wondering how them babies would have turned out.

One thing I hate is how people will say did you never want kids or assume that because you dont have them you didnt want them. I never ask people if they want kids or are trying.. Its so heart breaking when it doesnt work.

Blaizes · 22-07-2019 06:39PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Most of my friends married in their mid to late thirties. One of them, in her 40s, had a baby recently. I don't recall anyone asking them why they're single.

I think they did get asked whether they were seeing anyone. But you get that at every life stage, you meet someone and youre asked if there are any wedding bells. You get engaged you're asked when the date is. When you get married you're asked 'any news' and if you're lucky enough to sprout some offspring the next one is usually whether there's a brother sister on the way.

I don't think any of it is ill intentioned or judging, just pure nosey. Single women are not on their own when it comes to this.

I doubt if anyone is judging you for being single, maybe the questions hit a nerve and it seems that way. Anyone who is judging has little else to be worrying them.

People can be very nosey though and prying both men and women, the village gossip types. The thing is they probably have so little going on in their own lives that other lives are a field of gossip and speculation. Probably been this way since time began.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 06:40PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Nice minimising and gaslighting. If you think there's a limited range of what can be considered 'real sexism', I'm not wasting my time on you. I posted about my reality as a woman and had a man literally mansplaining that that wasn't right because he, as a man, hadn't seen it. If a man trying to tell a woman what her own experiences have been is not sexist to you, God help you.

I do think there's a range more limited than "things lainey doesn't like", yes. And I think you have your posters mixed up there. The one you were accusing of denying the existence of your experience for asking you to clarify something is a different poster. It's the one who called you a very bitter poster who you accused of not liking women speaking about their experiences. I get it, you've butted heads with every fcuker in the thread, easy to get mixed up.

By your logic I could accuse you of being homophobic right now btw.

cannotlogin · 22-07-2019 06:42PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

Doesn't seem to have a problem with any other woman in the thread. Do you find people often exhibit such laser-precision misogyny towards you?

Cheers for crying wolf though, not like sh1t like that undermines actual sexism.

Nice minimising and gaslighting. If you think there's a limited range of what can be considered 'real sexism', I'm not wasting my time on you. I posted about my reality as a woman and had a man literally mansplaining that that wasn't right because he, as a man, hadn't seen it. If a man trying to tell a woman what her own experiences have been is not sexist to you, God help you.

Can you accept that your reality as a woman is the not the same reality as most women?

I'm single and in my 30s and don't have similar experiences. Neither do most of the women posting on here either.

lainey_d_123 · 22-07-2019 06:43PM

Talia Late Crosswalk wrote: »

I do think there's a range more limited than "things lainey doesn't like", yes. And I think you have your posters mixed up there. The one you were accusing of denying the existence of your experience for asking you to clarify something is a different poster. It's the one who called you a very bitter poster who you accused of not liking women speaking about their experiences. I get it, you've butted heads with every fcuker in the thread, easy to get mixed up.

By your logic I could accuse you of being homophobic right now btw.

Yes, and he said I was 'bitter' because I refuted what the other poster said and stated the reality. Dismissing what I said rather than addressing it.

Homophobic? What are you on about?

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 06:44PM

cannotlogin wrote: »

Can you accept that your reality as a woman is the not the same reality as most women?

I'm single and in my 30s and don't have similar experiences. Neither do most of the women posting on here either.

I have to say I don't get it a lot. My Mam used to ask me a lot if I had met anyone recently and it drove me mad so one day I just said to her "listen, if I meet someone you'll be the first to know - stop asking"

Outside of that, most people in my life know I would love to meet someone, so they wouldn't be so insensitive.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-07-2019 06:44PM

AryaStark wrote: »

Me and my ex partner tried for kids for years and were never able... I am now single and have been trying to have a baby by myself! Am 40 still in love with my ex who I split with nearly 10 years ago and have no interest in trying to find a suitable partner to have a baby with. I have had fertility tests and had to have surgery early this year and am now hopefully fertile! Have to have some more tests and will then be trying a round of ivf...
I will only be able to try one round and if it fails then I have to accept that it is not to be... I am almost scared to try as if it fails it will be so terrible. I had a few miscarriages when I was younger and am always wondering how them babies would have turned out.

One thing I hate is how people will say did you never want kids or assume that because you dont have them you didnt want them. I never ask people if they want kids or are trying.. Its so heart breaking when it doesnt work.

Yeah that's a line of small talk that really needs to be consigned to history. Any benefit to it is just so far outweighed by the potential for hurt.

I hope things work out for you.

kikilarue2 · 22-07-2019 06:46PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Yes, and he said I was 'bitter' because I refuted what the other poster said and stated the reality. Dismissing what I said rather than addressing it.

Homophobic? What are you on about?

Lainey I think you generally offer good contributions on a wide range of topics, but it does seem like threads about relationships are triggering for you.

How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

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