Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.

Never had sex in 3 year Relationship

  • 03-04-2019 09:48PM
    #1
    Mr.Fun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 164 ✭✭


    Im a guy in my late twenties in a relationship with a woman. When we initially started going out I found her very physically attractive and really wanted to be physically intimate with her however she never wanted to have sex during these first few months. I began to feel insecure about myself as a result during these months. This then led me to not wanting to have sex with her as i felt she wasnt attracted to me. So basically we never have had sex in the three years that we have been together. We do get on really well together but and we want the same things in life. to me the relationship feels more like a friendship to me. I really do love her but I really wish I had a sex life while in a relationship. I think both of us are not physically attracted to each other but we do love each other. Should I break up with her in search of a more sexually fulfilling relationship? I feel we cant work things out in this matter as its been too long at this stage.


«13

Comments

  • #2
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Ok, there's no such thing as 'normal' really - but it is definitely unusual for a committed relationship between two people of (I assume?) similar young ages to feature no sex at all, unless there's an underlying medical condition.

    I guess there would be some questions about the nature of your relationship before we could advise -

    - Have you had a talk about your relationship status? I.e. are you both on the same page and understand that you're effectively boyfriend and girlfriend, or does she think you're just platonic friends?
    - Is there any intimacy (e.g. kissing, foreplay, etc) and just no intercourse? Or is there nothing?
    - Have the two of you never talked about this?


  • #3
    khaldrogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,584 ✭✭✭khaldrogo


    The only question that needs to be answered at this point is have you spoken to her about the lack of sex?


  • #4
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,465 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Do you mean zero intimacy or just zero sex?


  • #5
    Mr.Fun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 164 ✭✭Mr.Fun


    khaldrogo wrote: »
    The only question that needs to be answered at this point is have you spoken to her about the lack of sex?

    Yes and she says she is content without it.


  • #6
    Mr.Fun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 164 ✭✭Mr.Fun


    wirelessdude01 wrote: »
    Do you mean zero intimacy or just zero sex?

    We hug and snuggle and occasionally have a kiss. Thats where it ends


  • Advertisement
  • #7
    lawred2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,831 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    Mr.Fun wrote: »
    Yes and she says she is content without it.

    Well you're not.

    And it will ultimately destroy you.


  • #8
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,465 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Mr.Fun wrote:
    Yes and she says she is content without it.


    Are you content? Do you plan on marrying this lady?


  • #9
    Mr.Fun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 164 ✭✭Mr.Fun


    wirelessdude01 wrote: »
    Are you content? Do you plan on marrying this lady?

    I am happy with everything in the relationship except for the lack of sex. I could see myself marrying her but I worry that I could seek sexual relations with someone else and I dont want to be a cheater.


  • #10
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,465 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Mr.Fun wrote:
    I am happy with everything in the relationship except for the lack of sex. I could see myself marrying her but I worry that I could seek sexual relations with someone else and I dont want to be a cheater.


    Does she see sex happening after if marriage was to happen?


  • #11
    Mr.Fun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 164 ✭✭Mr.Fun


    wirelessdude01 wrote: »
    Does she see sex happening after if marriage was to happen?

    She wants kids but she has never said that she was a no sex before marriage type of person. I honestly dont know if it would change after marriage


  • Advertisement
  • #12
    Damien360
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,311 ✭✭✭Damien360


    This will sound cruel but you have a friend not a partner.

    If it is like this now with regards to sex, it will never change when married. If it bothers you now, it will eat you up as you get older wondering why you are in this marriage at all.


  • #13
    shamrock55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,296 ✭✭✭shamrock55


    Get out now my friend, you'll seriously regret it otherwise
    If your not having sex now you can forget it when married, you should be at it like rabbits now


  • #14
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Mr.Fun wrote: »
    She wants kids but she has never said that she was a no sex before marriage type of person. I honestly dont know if it would change after marriage

    I can guarantee you that it won't change. Someone with no sex drive is not going to suddenly develop one post marraige.

    What age are you guys? Is she a virgin? How does she even reply when you discuss this?


  • #15
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 15,106 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    cannotlogin wrote:
    I can guarantee you that it won't change. Someone with no sex drive is not going to suddenly develop one post marraige.

    This x 1,000,000

    We see threads on here *all* the time from men who are absolutely miserable stuck in sexless marriages and almost without exception, the status quo was set long before the marriage actually happened but they sleepwalked into it anyway because it was just expected of them or they (for reasons that have never been clear to me) thought something would change after they got married.

    Make absolutely no mistake, OP, your girlfriend is not going to change. Sex will be on the table if and when she decides it's baby time and then off again as soon as she gets pregnant. Rinse and repeat for as many children as she wants.

    I have literally zero idea why anyone would stay in this situation for any length of time, but three years is actually mind-boggling. By any chance is this your first relationship?


  • #16
    Mr.Fun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 164 ✭✭Mr.Fun


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    I can guarantee you that it won't change. Someone with no sex drive is not going to suddenly develop one post marraige.

    What age are you guys? Is she a virgin? How does she even reply when you discuss this?

    Im 29 and she is 32. Shes isnt a virgin but hasnt had sex many times in her life according to her, she basically just gives me a look and ignores the question


  • #17
    Mr.Fun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 164 ✭✭Mr.Fun


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    This x 1,000,000

    We see threads on here *all* the time from men who are absolutely miserable stuck in sexless marriages and almost without exception, the status quo was set long before the marriage actually happened but they sleepwalked into it anyway because it was just expected of them or they (for reasons that have never been clear to me) thought something would change after they got married.

    Make absolutely no mistake, OP, your girlfriend is not going to change. Sex will be on the table if and when she decides it's baby time and then off again as soon as she gets pregnant. Rinse and repeat for as many children as she wants.

    I have literally zero idea why anyone would stay in this situation for any length of time, but three years is actually mind-boggling. By any chance is this your first relationship?

    Yes this is my first relationship. Thank you for your advice


  • #18
    The_Honeybadger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,236 ✭✭✭The_Honeybadger


    I can’t imagine that this is normal OP. Are you sure that there is no medical issue driving her behaviour? Having zero interest in sex in your twenties is unusual to say the least. Very few fellas would put up with this in a relationship.

    You obviously love her but whatever you do don’t marry her until this is sorted out one way or another.


  • #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You're friends, not girlfriend/boyfriend. Ye care deeply about each other but the relationship is platonic. She wants sex, or maybe doesn't, but either way, she doesn't want it with you. Sex is good, enjoyable, loving, a bond...ye don't have that and never have..don't you want that? Haven't you had that with anyone ..are you still a virgin? If you lack experience in this area I can understand how you ended up in this 'relationship' so long. If you have had it, how can you call this a relationship when there's no intimacy at all? Just agree to be friends and go find someone to share those intimate moments with!


  • #20
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ah OP. You're in the prime of your life. You know this isn't how you should be spending it.
    Your relationship is platonic, not romantic.
    Run like the wind. Don't look back.
    (& this is advice coming from a 35yo single female here)


  • #21
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    What are you getting out of a sexless relationship that a friendship wouldn't provide?

    I excepted you to be younger. Does the fact she supposedly has slept with other men but refuses to sleep with you not destroy you?

    I hate to be cynical but she isn't living your house rent free or something?


  • Advertisement
  • #22
    khaldrogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,584 ✭✭✭khaldrogo


    Mr.Fun wrote:
    Yes and she says she is content without it.


    But you are not........end it.


  • #23
    Whocare
    Site Banned Posts: 1,258 ✭✭✭Whocare


    Mr.Fun wrote: »
    I am happy with everything in the relationship except for the lack of sex. I could see myself marrying her but I worry that I could seek sexual relations with someone else and I dont want to be a cheater.

    <snip>


  • #24
    sReq | uTeK
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,049 ✭✭✭sReq | uTeK


    You're friends not lovers and most certainly not in a relationship


  • #25
    Damien360
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,311 ✭✭✭Damien360


    Mr.Fun wrote: »
    Im 29 and she is 32. Shes isnt a virgin but hasnt had sex many times in her life according to her, she basically just gives me a look and ignores the question

    You are 3 years with her and she won't discuss a very important issue between you. Don't even think of marriage.

    This is not normal behavior and if anything it has the hallmarks of becoming a control issue over you later on. She can abstain and you cannot.

    Walk, you are not having fun. You will be miserable with this.


  • #26
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Mr.Fun wrote: »
    Yes and she says she is content without it.


    You have your answer. Take all the warnings here and break up. DO NOT come back for make-up sex or any shenanigans like that. You could find yourself trapped in a sexless relationship that was only consummated so she could get pregnant. Anyone who goes 3 years in a relationship without sex and say she is content without it is not a good match for a partner who has a sex drive.


  • #27
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    This x 1,000,000

    We see threads on here *all* the time from men who are absolutely miserable stuck in sexless marriages and almost without exception, the status quo was set long before the marriage actually happened but they sleepwalked into it anyway because it was just expected of them or they (for reasons that have never been clear to me) thought something would change after they got married.

    Make absolutely no mistake, OP, your girlfriend is not going to change. Sex will be on the table if and when she decides it's baby time and then off again as soon as she gets pregnant. Rinse and repeat for as many children as she wants.

    I have literally zero idea why anyone would stay in this situation for any length of time, but three years is actually mind-boggling. By any chance is this your first relationship?

    And this x1,000,000,000,000

    She could be asexual, gay, have no sex drive, it doesn't really matter. You want something she can't give you. She's gone three years being content with a hug and a kiss. She isn't going to turn into a sex machine because there's a ring on her finger.

    Going without sex doesn't bother me that much either, and I'm a bloke... but three years? You poor thing :(

    You need to leave. I agree with the first poster that there isn't really such thing as normal, but whatever normal is, isn't this.


  • #28
    IamtheWalrus
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,075 ✭✭✭IamtheWalrus


    The lack of willingness to acknowledge it might be an issue for you is the most concerning part of this story.


  • #29
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,713 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    She’s robbing you of the chance to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

    Stop settling for what you have now. It’s not enough, and with her, never will be. If you don’t get off your arse and move on now, you WILL regret it and it could be too late to make up for a lot of lost time.

    End it now. Find someone else.


  • #30
    antiskeptic
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,550 ✭✭✭antiskeptic


    Mr.Fun wrote: »
    Im 29 and she is 32. Shes isnt a virgin but hasnt had sex many times in her life according to her, she basically just gives me a look and ignores the question

    1. Sex isn't just nice, it's a sort of glue that holds a committed relationship. It's hard to remain pissed off with your partner for the kinds of irritations that crop up in a relationship, when your having sex or even... making love. Sex is a pressure relief valve for couples, especially couples with children.

    Folk do get on without it, but it's 3 wheels on the wagon territory

    2. This question isn't one for looks and ignoring. Fair enough, burying or ignoring a difficult topic is a coping mechanism, but it's a maladaptive technique, not a healthy one. You can gently (for you know not why she has the view she has) but firmly let her know that it can't rest here and that it will need addressing at some point in the not too distant. Firm but not cornering her.

    3. Its understandable that you'd go off things yourself. Sex involves vulnerability and rejection of a vulnerable one causes retreat. That's not something that can't be reversed.

    4. Sounds like you both could do with a bit of counselling on the matter. Perhaps individually at first so that the counsellor can dig down a bit and find out what's going on for both of you as individuals before tackling the dynamic that's built up between you. A person with issues about sex might have difficulty opening up to both a counsellor and a partner. If they can open up to a counsellor, then they are on the way to opening up to the partner too. It's a question of whether you're both willing to accept that there is an issue that needs addressing and whether you are both prepared to attempt address it.

    Its best not to assume yourself in the right and her in the wrong. It could be a dynamic that belongs to both of you.

    If going for a counsellor, put some extensive research into options. Ask for an initial meet with perhaps 3 different ones to see if you gel with anyone in particular. It's a sensitive area and you want the best you can afford.

    All the best with it.


  • Advertisement
  • #31
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,655 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Mod Note:

    Whocare, please don't make suggestions that go against the forum charter.


Advertisement