Never had sex in 3 year Relationship

Mr.Fun

Im a guy in my late twenties in a relationship with a woman. When we initially started going out I found her very physically attractive and really wanted to be physically intimate with her however she never wanted to have sex during these first few months. I began to feel insecure about myself as a result during these months. This then led me to not wanting to have sex with her as i felt she wasnt attracted to me. So basically we never have had sex in the three years that we have been together. We do get on really well together but and we want the same things in life. to me the relationship feels more like a friendship to me. I really do love her but I really wish I had a sex life while in a relationship. I think both of us are not physically attracted to each other but we do love each other. Should I break up with her in search of a more sexually fulfilling relationship? I feel we cant work things out in this matter as its been too long at this stage.

ManOfMystery

Ok, there's no such thing as 'normal' really - but it is definitely unusual for a committed relationship between two people of (I assume?) similar young ages to feature no sex at all, unless there's an underlying medical condition.

I guess there would be some questions about the nature of your relationship before we could advise -

- Have you had a talk about your relationship status? I.e. are you both on the same page and understand that you're effectively boyfriend and girlfriend, or does she think you're just platonic friends?
- Is there any intimacy (e.g. kissing, foreplay, etc) and just no intercourse? Or is there nothing?
- Have the two of you never talked about this?

khaldrogo

The only question that needs to be answered at this point is have you spoken to her about the lack of sex?

wirelessdude01

Do you mean zero intimacy or just zero sex?

Mr.Fun

khaldrogo wrote: »

The only question that needs to be answered at this point is have you spoken to her about the lack of sex?

Yes and she says she is content without it.

Mr.Fun

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Do you mean zero intimacy or just zero sex?

We hug and snuggle and occasionally have a kiss. Thats where it ends

lawred2

Mr.Fun wrote: »

Yes and she says she is content without it.

Well you're not.

And it will ultimately destroy you.

wirelessdude01

Mr.Fun wrote:

Yes and she says she is content without it.

Are you content? Do you plan on marrying this lady?

Mr.Fun

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Are you content? Do you plan on marrying this lady?

I am happy with everything in the relationship except for the lack of sex. I could see myself marrying her but I worry that I could seek sexual relations with someone else and I dont want to be a cheater.

wirelessdude01

Mr.Fun wrote:

I am happy with everything in the relationship except for the lack of sex. I could see myself marrying her but I worry that I could seek sexual relations with someone else and I dont want to be a cheater.

Does she see sex happening after if marriage was to happen?

Mr.Fun

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Does she see sex happening after if marriage was to happen?

She wants kids but she has never said that she was a no sex before marriage type of person. I honestly dont know if it would change after marriage

Damien360

This will sound cruel but you have a friend not a partner.

If it is like this now with regards to sex, it will never change when married. If it bothers you now, it will eat you up as you get older wondering why you are in this marriage at all.

shamrock55

Get out now my friend, you'll seriously regret it otherwise
If your not having sex now you can forget it when married, you should be at it like rabbits now

cannotlogin

Mr.Fun wrote: »

She wants kids but she has never said that she was a no sex before marriage type of person. I honestly dont know if it would change after marriage

I can guarantee you that it won't change. Someone with no sex drive is not going to suddenly develop one post marraige.

What age are you guys? Is she a virgin? How does she even reply when you discuss this?

Dial Hard

cannotlogin wrote:

I can guarantee you that it won't change. Someone with no sex drive is not going to suddenly develop one post marraige.

This x 1,000,000

We see threads on here *all* the time from men who are absolutely miserable stuck in sexless marriages and almost without exception, the status quo was set long before the marriage actually happened but they sleepwalked into it anyway because it was just expected of them or they (for reasons that have never been clear to me) thought something would change after they got married.

Make absolutely no mistake, OP, your girlfriend is not going to change. Sex will be on the table if and when she decides it's baby time and then off again as soon as she gets pregnant. Rinse and repeat for as many children as she wants.

I have literally zero idea why anyone would stay in this situation for any length of time, but three years is actually mind-boggling. By any chance is this your first relationship?

Mr.Fun

cannotlogin wrote: »

I can guarantee you that it won't change. Someone with no sex drive is not going to suddenly develop one post marraige.

What age are you guys? Is she a virgin? How does she even reply when you discuss this?

Im 29 and she is 32. Shes isnt a virgin but hasnt had sex many times in her life according to her, she basically just gives me a look and ignores the question

Mr.Fun

Dial Hard wrote: »

This x 1,000,000

We see threads on here *all* the time from men who are absolutely miserable stuck in sexless marriages and almost without exception, the status quo was set long before the marriage actually happened but they sleepwalked into it anyway because it was just expected of them or they (for reasons that have never been clear to me) thought something would change after they got married.

Make absolutely no mistake, OP, your girlfriend is not going to change. Sex will be on the table if and when she decides it's baby time and then off again as soon as she gets pregnant. Rinse and repeat for as many children as she wants.

I have literally zero idea why anyone would stay in this situation for any length of time, but three years is actually mind-boggling. By any chance is this your first relationship?

Yes this is my first relationship. Thank you for your advice

The_Honeybadger

I can’t imagine that this is normal OP. Are you sure that there is no medical issue driving her behaviour? Having zero interest in sex in your twenties is unusual to say the least. Very few fellas would put up with this in a relationship.

You obviously love her but whatever you do don’t marry her until this is sorted out one way or another.

LegacyUser

You're friends, not girlfriend/boyfriend. Ye care deeply about each other but the relationship is platonic. She wants sex, or maybe doesn't, but either way, she doesn't want it with you. Sex is good, enjoyable, loving, a bond...ye don't have that and never have..don't you want that? Haven't you had that with anyone ..are you still a virgin? If you lack experience in this area I can understand how you ended up in this 'relationship' so long. If you have had it, how can you call this a relationship when there's no intimacy at all? Just agree to be friends and go find someone to share those intimate moments with!

LegacyUser

Ah OP. You're in the prime of your life. You know this isn't how you should be spending it.
Your relationship is platonic, not romantic.
Run like the wind. Don't look back.
(& this is advice coming from a 35yo single female here)

cannotlogin

What are you getting out of a sexless relationship that a friendship wouldn't provide?

I excepted you to be younger. Does the fact she supposedly has slept with other men but refuses to sleep with you not destroy you?

I hate to be cynical but she isn't living your house rent free or something?

khaldrogo

Mr.Fun wrote:

Yes and she says she is content without it.

But you are not........end it.

Whocare

Mr.Fun wrote: »

I am happy with everything in the relationship except for the lack of sex. I could see myself marrying her but I worry that I could seek sexual relations with someone else and I dont want to be a cheater.

<snip>

sReq | uTeK

You're friends not lovers and most certainly not in a relationship

Damien360

Mr.Fun wrote: »

Im 29 and she is 32. Shes isnt a virgin but hasnt had sex many times in her life according to her, she basically just gives me a look and ignores the question

You are 3 years with her and she won't discuss a very important issue between you. Don't even think of marriage.

This is not normal behavior and if anything it has the hallmarks of becoming a control issue over you later on. She can abstain and you cannot.

Walk, you are not having fun. You will be miserable with this.

Ursus Horribilis

Mr.Fun wrote: »

Yes and she says she is content without it.

You have your answer. Take all the warnings here and break up. DO NOT come back for make-up sex or any shenanigans like that. You could find yourself trapped in a sexless relationship that was only consummated so she could get pregnant. Anyone who goes 3 years in a relationship without sex and say she is content without it is not a good match for a partner who has a sex drive.

wiggle16

Dial Hard wrote: »

This x 1,000,000

We see threads on here *all* the time from men who are absolutely miserable stuck in sexless marriages and almost without exception, the status quo was set long before the marriage actually happened but they sleepwalked into it anyway because it was just expected of them or they (for reasons that have never been clear to me) thought something would change after they got married.

Make absolutely no mistake, OP, your girlfriend is not going to change. Sex will be on the table if and when she decides it's baby time and then off again as soon as she gets pregnant. Rinse and repeat for as many children as she wants.

I have literally zero idea why anyone would stay in this situation for any length of time, but three years is actually mind-boggling. By any chance is this your first relationship?

And this x1,000,000,000,000

She could be asexual, gay, have no sex drive, it doesn't really matter. You want something she can't give you. She's gone three years being content with a hug and a kiss. She isn't going to turn into a sex machine because there's a ring on her finger.

Going without sex doesn't bother me that much either, and I'm a bloke... but three years? You poor thing

You need to leave. I agree with the first poster that there isn't really such thing as normal, but whatever normal is, isn't this.

IamtheWalrus

The lack of willingness to acknowledge it might be an issue for you is the most concerning part of this story.

She’s robbing you of the chance to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Stop settling for what you have now. It’s not enough, and with her, never will be. If you don’t get off your arse and move on now, you WILL regret it and it could be too late to make up for a lot of lost time.

End it now. Find someone else.

antiskeptic

Mr.Fun wrote: »

Im 29 and she is 32. Shes isnt a virgin but hasnt had sex many times in her life according to her, she basically just gives me a look and ignores the question

1. Sex isn't just nice, it's a sort of glue that holds a committed relationship. It's hard to remain pissed off with your partner for the kinds of irritations that crop up in a relationship, when your having sex or even... making love. Sex is a pressure relief valve for couples, especially couples with children.

Folk do get on without it, but it's 3 wheels on the wagon territory

2. This question isn't one for looks and ignoring. Fair enough, burying or ignoring a difficult topic is a coping mechanism, but it's a maladaptive technique, not a healthy one. You can gently (for you know not why she has the view she has) but firmly let her know that it can't rest here and that it will need addressing at some point in the not too distant. Firm but not cornering her.

3. Its understandable that you'd go off things yourself. Sex involves vulnerability and rejection of a vulnerable one causes retreat. That's not something that can't be reversed.

4. Sounds like you both could do with a bit of counselling on the matter. Perhaps individually at first so that the counsellor can dig down a bit and find out what's going on for both of you as individuals before tackling the dynamic that's built up between you. A person with issues about sex might have difficulty opening up to both a counsellor and a partner. If they can open up to a counsellor, then they are on the way to opening up to the partner too. It's a question of whether you're both willing to accept that there is an issue that needs addressing and whether you are both prepared to attempt address it.

Its best not to assume yourself in the right and her in the wrong. It could be a dynamic that belongs to both of you.

If going for a counsellor, put some extensive research into options. Ask for an initial meet with perhaps 3 different ones to see if you gel with anyone in particular. It's a sensitive area and you want the best you can afford.

All the best with it.

Tokyo

Mod Note:

Whocare, please don't make suggestions that go against the forum charter.

Necro

This is actually heartbreaking to read as I was in your shoes for almost as long in the past, OP.

First relationship, and together about 2 years, she just wasn't interested in sex at all. I'm not an unfaithful person so I found I was developing serious anger issues as a result of my frustration with it all.

Eventually it got so bad I ended up leaving the country so I could get away from her after she tried to bring us back together with a 'one nighter' as she referred to it.

8 years later and I'm happily married with two kids, in a relationship that fulfils all of both of our needs, sexual or otherwise.

Granted I was younger than you are now, but I'm hoping the advice here will give you the courage to get out while you still can, and don't look back.

Relationships require give and take from both sides - this one is taking your sexual desires and repressing them as she has no interest in being intimate.

That's not fair to you.

Agree with whoever said you have a friend. I had a friend like that as well even sleeping together cause it was cheaper for rent.. Anyone would have thought we were going out with each other.

But we were meeting other people and we knew we were totally platonic. You need to realise this. You should both be sleeping with other people.

_Kaiser_

I'd echo the others OP. This isn't a relationship, it's a friendship - and not a very good one at that given how she's ignoring your needs and refusing to discuss it.

Get out now and don't look back. Marriage won't change anything except have you on the hook for a messy breakup down the line.

.......

You are not in a relationship, its a platonic friendship.

If she is in her early 30s now and you havent had sex with her in the 3 years you have known her, that is not going to change.

The "norm" is for people in your age bracket to be horny and riding each other silly in the first years of a relationship. Now obviously there are people outside of the norm in both directions, but the extreme of ABSOLUTELY NO SEX for 3 years from the ages of 29 to 32 while supposedly being in a relationship is far from normal for your female friend. Personally if I were her I would speak to my GP as sex is a normal healthy activity that the vast majority of people engage in and I would wonder why I had no sex drive. Refusing to discuss it seriously is a very very worrying sign.

For you I would say that unless you wish to have a life of celibacy you need to get out of this situation. Ultimately it could be very very damaging for you to live with enforced celibacy - you have already wasted a lot of your 20s being forced to be celibate.

witchgirl26

OP unless there was a discussion at the start of the relationship that she was waiting for marriage (regardless of whether she had sex in the past) then I agree with others that things are unlikely to change in the relationship. And even her unwillingness to talk about it. It's an issue for you so therefore it's an issue that affects you both but she isn't willing to face it.

I'd either try to have the conversation with her again from the point of view that she may be content but you're not getting what you need out of the relationship and understand if there is any chance this may change or face the fact that you may have to leave the relationship to feel fulfilled in all aspects you want from a relationship.

TheBoyConor

Don't be conned by the "waiting for marriage" line if she comes out with that.

"waiting for marriage" is just an excuse people who don't like or want sex use to keep their partner on the line until they are married. And then, hey presto, the sex never really materialises unless it is to have a baby. Then it disappears again.

witchgirl26

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Don't be conned by the "waiting for marriage" line if she comes out with that.

"waiting for marriage" is just an excuse people who don't like or want sex use to keep their partner on the line until they are married. And then, hey presto, the sex never really materialises unless it is to have a baby. Then it disappears again.

That's not always true. My sister in law was waiting for marriage however she was very clear about that from the start and my brother was ok with that.

I would agree that if she comes out with this now in the OP's relationship, it's worth challenging why this wasn't mentioned at the start as I do think that it's something that should be brought up if a relationship is becoming serious rather than 3 years in.

TheBoyConor

I don't know why anyone would agree to that tbh. It is very much a gamble as after marriage a couple could very quickly realise they are not sexually compatible.

witchgirl26

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I don't know why anyone would agree to that tbh. It is very much a gamble as after marriage a couple could very quickly realise they are not sexually compatible.

Going off-topic here but will leave it after this. Yes they might find that out but if they've already built a very strong relationship, they can always work at that side of things after the marriage if it's what both want. I would argue that it's easier to work on that then it would be to work on compatibility outside the bedroom. But then if both parties are aware and willing to take that risk, then it's up to them. All I know is that 16 years and 3 kids later, my brother and sister in law seem pretty happy with their lives together.

In the OP's case, I do agree that it's not fair as he wasn't given the opportunity to agree or not to this at the point where the relationship was going from casual to serious and that is a problem.

osarusan

This kind of relationship can work if both people are completely content with their sex life or lack thereof.

She seems to be content with it, but you clearly are not. By the sounds of it, you have brought it up and she has ignored/dismissed it, so she must have some idea that you are not happy about it. But she doesn't seem to acknowledge it at all. And she can't be unaware that the relationship is unusual in that sense.

I don't think you are ever going to have a sex life with her, so I don't see any choices other than breaking up with her, coming to some arrangement that you get to have sex with others while in a relationship with her, or just foregoing a sex life at all.

I think the first option is the best, as with the others, resentment and bitterness will inevitably become an issue, and the relationship would be in trouble anyway.

wiggle16

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I don't know why anyone would agree to that tbh. It is very much a gamble as after marriage a couple could very quickly realise they are not sexually compatible.

I don't know why either but it depends on your outlook and beliefs.

Point is though the OP wasn't given a chance to discuss this beforehand, it just became the norm for them because she never engaged in it for months and when he finally brought it up she said she was content without it.

Regardless of whether or not she's content to go without sex until marriage, or until she wants kids, or content to go without it forever, she should have been more up front about it. This woman is an adult and lives in the 21st century like the rest of us. She knows this is unusual. It's gone past being a blame game though. The trouble is the OP stayed way longer than he should have.

OP listen to everyone here. You're deeply unhappy in this relationship. Unless she's willing to have an open relationship or something, you should make a break for it. You'll go round the bend otherwise.

Neyite

The point of celibacy before marriage is that it's supposed to be an effort to maintain. A healthy couple with those morals or beliefs will get all hot and bothered with snogging and struggle to cool themselves down. Like giving up something you love for lent. Celibacy is supposed to be a struggle, not a doddle.

And if it's a doddle, then that person just has little or no sex drive. That doesn't change due to circumstances or marital status. It might flare up as people have said when the person feels their partner is pulling away or when they are committed and it's time for baby-making. But if sex is infrequent and rare before any children come into the house, it will completely disappear after they arrive.

You are missing out on so much here and you know it - otherwise you'd not be posting here. Remember the saying "when someone shows you who they are, pay attention". She is showing you that this is who she is, who she always will be. You have nobody to blame but yourself if you marry her and get surprised that she's not suddenly become a sexually active person after the wedding.

punisher5112

Op you need to find a partner that will give you what you need and want.

That's definitely a friendship.

antiskeptic

At this point we have little to go on regarding:

- why this woman's lack of interest in sex.
- why she seems closed to discussion.

Let's thought-experiment for a moment and suppose that the woman in question was sexually abused as a kid by a family member (it happens very frequently afterall). That could explain the lack of interest. That could explain her being closed to discussion.

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

punisher5112

antiskeptic wrote: »

At this point we have little to go on regarding:

- why this woman's lack of interest in sex.
- why she seems closed to discussion.

Let's thought-experiment for a moment and suppose that the woman in question was sexually abused as a kid by a family member (it happens very frequently afterall). That could explain the lack of interest. That could explain her being closed to discussion.

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

How can you be in love if you don't make it....

It's totally fine if both are happy going ahead not getting any but the op has been dreaming.

He needs to find someone he will really love and someone that actually loves him.

That isn't love what they have unless as I said both are happy with no sex ever....

.......

antiskeptic wrote: »

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

Theyre not in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation though. They are platonic pals.

So no - dont ditch her as a friend, but do go find someone you can have an actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with that includes physical intimacy with.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Mr.Fun wrote: »

Yes and she says she is content without it.

That's all very well for her to say, but it's an entirely selfish perspective. She's only considering her own happiness, and not caring one whit about yours.

If this sexless relationship continues, and you marry her, the implied deal is that you will never have sex with your wife, except possibly for the purpose of conceiving babies. If you don't want to cheat on her, you'll never get to have sex with anyone else, either. In short, you'll never have sex again. How do you feel about that? Will you accept it, or will you end up embittered, resentful, and with your self-confidence shattered?

I think you should try couples counseling. If that doesn't change things, you should leave her. You're only 29 years old and in the prime of your life, with many attractive single women in your age group. You'll have plenty of chances to find love again, and have lots of sex as well.

It's much easier to sort this out now than to wait until you're in your 40s or 50s.

The_Honeybadger

antiskeptic wrote: »

At this point we have little to go on regarding:

- why this woman's lack of interest in sex.
- why she seems closed to discussion.

Let's thought-experiment for a moment and suppose that the woman in question was sexually abused as a kid by a family member (it happens very frequently afterall). That could explain the lack of interest. That could explain her being closed to discussion.

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

I’d agree there is almost certainly something else going on here with the OP’s partner be it physical or psychological. I’d be surprised if the OP hasn’t omitted some critical details.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

The_Honeybadger wrote: »

I’d agree there is almost certainly something else going on here with the OP’s partner be it physical or psychological. I’d be surprised if the OP hasn’t omitted some critical details.

It's possible. Maybe she has religious objections to sex before marriage. Maybe she's not sexually attracted to men. There could possibly be a history of sexual abuse, as has been suggested. But I still think she has an obligation, if she wants to marry the OP, to disclose any underlying issues and be willing to work through them in counseling. Not being willing to discuss the situation, and expecting to continue the status quo indefinitely, isn't really an option for them as a couple, and she should at least be willing to appreciate that.

LegacyUser

The fact you have to come ask strangers on the internet says it all OP. If you can't discuss an issue with your partner regardless of what the issue is then it's not a healthy relationship in my view and a deal breaker.