Never had sex in 3 year Relationship

Necro

This is actually heartbreaking to read as I was in your shoes for almost as long in the past, OP.

First relationship, and together about 2 years, she just wasn't interested in sex at all. I'm not an unfaithful person so I found I was developing serious anger issues as a result of my frustration with it all.

Eventually it got so bad I ended up leaving the country so I could get away from her after she tried to bring us back together with a 'one nighter' as she referred to it.

8 years later and I'm happily married with two kids, in a relationship that fulfils all of both of our needs, sexual or otherwise.

Granted I was younger than you are now, but I'm hoping the advice here will give you the courage to get out while you still can, and don't look back.

Relationships require give and take from both sides - this one is taking your sexual desires and repressing them as she has no interest in being intimate.

That's not fair to you.

Agree with whoever said you have a friend. I had a friend like that as well even sleeping together cause it was cheaper for rent.. Anyone would have thought we were going out with each other.

But we were meeting other people and we knew we were totally platonic. You need to realise this. You should both be sleeping with other people.

_Kaiser_

I'd echo the others OP. This isn't a relationship, it's a friendship - and not a very good one at that given how she's ignoring your needs and refusing to discuss it.

Get out now and don't look back. Marriage won't change anything except have you on the hook for a messy breakup down the line.

.......

You are not in a relationship, its a platonic friendship.

If she is in her early 30s now and you havent had sex with her in the 3 years you have known her, that is not going to change.

The "norm" is for people in your age bracket to be horny and riding each other silly in the first years of a relationship. Now obviously there are people outside of the norm in both directions, but the extreme of ABSOLUTELY NO SEX for 3 years from the ages of 29 to 32 while supposedly being in a relationship is far from normal for your female friend. Personally if I were her I would speak to my GP as sex is a normal healthy activity that the vast majority of people engage in and I would wonder why I had no sex drive. Refusing to discuss it seriously is a very very worrying sign.

For you I would say that unless you wish to have a life of celibacy you need to get out of this situation. Ultimately it could be very very damaging for you to live with enforced celibacy - you have already wasted a lot of your 20s being forced to be celibate.

witchgirl26

OP unless there was a discussion at the start of the relationship that she was waiting for marriage (regardless of whether she had sex in the past) then I agree with others that things are unlikely to change in the relationship. And even her unwillingness to talk about it. It's an issue for you so therefore it's an issue that affects you both but she isn't willing to face it.

I'd either try to have the conversation with her again from the point of view that she may be content but you're not getting what you need out of the relationship and understand if there is any chance this may change or face the fact that you may have to leave the relationship to feel fulfilled in all aspects you want from a relationship.

TheBoyConor

Don't be conned by the "waiting for marriage" line if she comes out with that.

"waiting for marriage" is just an excuse people who don't like or want sex use to keep their partner on the line until they are married. And then, hey presto, the sex never really materialises unless it is to have a baby. Then it disappears again.

witchgirl26

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Don't be conned by the "waiting for marriage" line if she comes out with that.

"waiting for marriage" is just an excuse people who don't like or want sex use to keep their partner on the line until they are married. And then, hey presto, the sex never really materialises unless it is to have a baby. Then it disappears again.

That's not always true. My sister in law was waiting for marriage however she was very clear about that from the start and my brother was ok with that.

I would agree that if she comes out with this now in the OP's relationship, it's worth challenging why this wasn't mentioned at the start as I do think that it's something that should be brought up if a relationship is becoming serious rather than 3 years in.

TheBoyConor

I don't know why anyone would agree to that tbh. It is very much a gamble as after marriage a couple could very quickly realise they are not sexually compatible.

witchgirl26

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I don't know why anyone would agree to that tbh. It is very much a gamble as after marriage a couple could very quickly realise they are not sexually compatible.

Going off-topic here but will leave it after this. Yes they might find that out but if they've already built a very strong relationship, they can always work at that side of things after the marriage if it's what both want. I would argue that it's easier to work on that then it would be to work on compatibility outside the bedroom. But then if both parties are aware and willing to take that risk, then it's up to them. All I know is that 16 years and 3 kids later, my brother and sister in law seem pretty happy with their lives together.

In the OP's case, I do agree that it's not fair as he wasn't given the opportunity to agree or not to this at the point where the relationship was going from casual to serious and that is a problem.

osarusan

This kind of relationship can work if both people are completely content with their sex life or lack thereof.

She seems to be content with it, but you clearly are not. By the sounds of it, you have brought it up and she has ignored/dismissed it, so she must have some idea that you are not happy about it. But she doesn't seem to acknowledge it at all. And she can't be unaware that the relationship is unusual in that sense.

I don't think you are ever going to have a sex life with her, so I don't see any choices other than breaking up with her, coming to some arrangement that you get to have sex with others while in a relationship with her, or just foregoing a sex life at all.

I think the first option is the best, as with the others, resentment and bitterness will inevitably become an issue, and the relationship would be in trouble anyway.

wiggle16

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I don't know why anyone would agree to that tbh. It is very much a gamble as after marriage a couple could very quickly realise they are not sexually compatible.

I don't know why either but it depends on your outlook and beliefs.

Point is though the OP wasn't given a chance to discuss this beforehand, it just became the norm for them because she never engaged in it for months and when he finally brought it up she said she was content without it.

Regardless of whether or not she's content to go without sex until marriage, or until she wants kids, or content to go without it forever, she should have been more up front about it. This woman is an adult and lives in the 21st century like the rest of us. She knows this is unusual. It's gone past being a blame game though. The trouble is the OP stayed way longer than he should have.

OP listen to everyone here. You're deeply unhappy in this relationship. Unless she's willing to have an open relationship or something, you should make a break for it. You'll go round the bend otherwise.

Neyite

The point of celibacy before marriage is that it's supposed to be an effort to maintain. A healthy couple with those morals or beliefs will get all hot and bothered with snogging and struggle to cool themselves down. Like giving up something you love for lent. Celibacy is supposed to be a struggle, not a doddle.

And if it's a doddle, then that person just has little or no sex drive. That doesn't change due to circumstances or marital status. It might flare up as people have said when the person feels their partner is pulling away or when they are committed and it's time for baby-making. But if sex is infrequent and rare before any children come into the house, it will completely disappear after they arrive.

You are missing out on so much here and you know it - otherwise you'd not be posting here. Remember the saying "when someone shows you who they are, pay attention". She is showing you that this is who she is, who she always will be. You have nobody to blame but yourself if you marry her and get surprised that she's not suddenly become a sexually active person after the wedding.

punisher5112

Op you need to find a partner that will give you what you need and want.

That's definitely a friendship.

antiskeptic

At this point we have little to go on regarding:

- why this woman's lack of interest in sex.
- why she seems closed to discussion.

Let's thought-experiment for a moment and suppose that the woman in question was sexually abused as a kid by a family member (it happens very frequently afterall). That could explain the lack of interest. That could explain her being closed to discussion.

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

punisher5112

antiskeptic wrote: »

At this point we have little to go on regarding:

- why this woman's lack of interest in sex.
- why she seems closed to discussion.

Let's thought-experiment for a moment and suppose that the woman in question was sexually abused as a kid by a family member (it happens very frequently afterall). That could explain the lack of interest. That could explain her being closed to discussion.

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

How can you be in love if you don't make it....

It's totally fine if both are happy going ahead not getting any but the op has been dreaming.

He needs to find someone he will really love and someone that actually loves him.

That isn't love what they have unless as I said both are happy with no sex ever....

.......

antiskeptic wrote: »

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

Theyre not in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation though. They are platonic pals.

So no - dont ditch her as a friend, but do go find someone you can have an actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with that includes physical intimacy with.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

Mr.Fun wrote: »

Yes and she says she is content without it.

That's all very well for her to say, but it's an entirely selfish perspective. She's only considering her own happiness, and not caring one whit about yours.

If this sexless relationship continues, and you marry her, the implied deal is that you will never have sex with your wife, except possibly for the purpose of conceiving babies. If you don't want to cheat on her, you'll never get to have sex with anyone else, either. In short, you'll never have sex again. How do you feel about that? Will you accept it, or will you end up embittered, resentful, and with your self-confidence shattered?

I think you should try couples counseling. If that doesn't change things, you should leave her. You're only 29 years old and in the prime of your life, with many attractive single women in your age group. You'll have plenty of chances to find love again, and have lots of sex as well.

It's much easier to sort this out now than to wait until you're in your 40s or 50s.

The_Honeybadger

antiskeptic wrote: »

At this point we have little to go on regarding:

- why this woman's lack of interest in sex.
- why she seems closed to discussion.

Let's thought-experiment for a moment and suppose that the woman in question was sexually abused as a kid by a family member (it happens very frequently afterall). That could explain the lack of interest. That could explain her being closed to discussion.

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

I’d agree there is almost certainly something else going on here with the OP’s partner be it physical or psychological. I’d be surprised if the OP hasn’t omitted some critical details.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

The_Honeybadger wrote: »

I’d agree there is almost certainly something else going on here with the OP’s partner be it physical or psychological. I’d be surprised if the OP hasn’t omitted some critical details.

It's possible. Maybe she has religious objections to sex before marriage. Maybe she's not sexually attracted to men. There could possibly be a history of sexual abuse, as has been suggested. But I still think she has an obligation, if she wants to marry the OP, to disclose any underlying issues and be willing to work through them in counseling. Not being willing to discuss the situation, and expecting to continue the status quo indefinitely, isn't really an option for them as a couple, and she should at least be willing to appreciate that.

LegacyUser

The fact you have to come ask strangers on the internet says it all OP. If you can't discuss an issue with your partner regardless of what the issue is then it's not a healthy relationship in my view and a deal breaker.

tara73

antiskeptic wrote: »

At this point we have little to go on regarding:

- why this woman's lack of interest in sex.
- why she seems closed to discussion.

Let's thought-experiment for a moment and suppose that the woman in question was sexually abused as a kid by a family member (it happens very frequently afterall). That could explain the lack of interest. That could explain her being closed to discussion.

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

this +1.

The abuse should be taken seriously into consideration in situations like this. Taking the shocking numbers of people been abused in their childhood/teenage years it's far more likely she experienced abuse than having any medical condition.

OP, it's up to you whether you want to make an effort to find out here if this is the case, meaning starting to talk to her again about her reasons for avoiding sex. I'm not sure you said you made the effort, to find out in general why she doesn't want sex. If you really like her (love her) I think it's worth the effort to try to talk seriously with her about it and with seriously I mean don't let herself off easy if she gives you 'the look' or cuts you short. Let her know that this is a fundamental subject for you and very important and if she's not willing to clear the table with you, you need to reconsider the ongoing of the relationship. I get the feeling she sees sex as dirty(hence 'the look') and another indicator it might stem from abuse experience . but nevertheless tell her sex is not a dirty thing, it's the most normal and great thing to do in a relationship. I think you will gather some insight from her reaction if you tell her this and you can go from there.

If she's still not willing to talk to you about it at all and take you seriously, you can tell yourself you're done everything you could and it's time to walk away otherwise you will end up frustrated and miserable for the rest of your life and I presume that's not your goal.

kg703

Could she possibly be asexual?

I’m sorry to say but people here are right, you have a friend not a lover and it’s unfair on you completely.

How you have managed three years is beyond me!

punisher5112

It's like two best buds....

Nothing else.

Kalimah

My hubby's best friend met a friend of mine at our wedding. They started dating and 33 years later are now in their 50s. They've never had sex. She never had any interest and he in a bizarre show of loyalty never pushed her. To me she has held him back in every way, no kids, no marriage, no sex. She won't even go on holidays and has never been on a plane.
If I had known then when I know now I'd never have introduced them. It's a life half lived for him. He won't dump her now. I would if I'd been him and sooner rather than later.
Don't find yourself in that situation in 30 years time OP.

wiggle16

antiskeptic wrote: »

At this point we have little to go on regarding:

- why this woman's lack of interest in sex.
- why she seems closed to discussion.

Let's thought-experiment for a moment and suppose that the woman in question was sexually abused as a kid by a family member (it happens very frequently afterall). That could explain the lack of interest. That could explain her being closed to discussion.

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

Supposing she was abused, it doesn't create an obligation on the OP to stay with her or to join in her celibacy. It's not relevant anyway, she's already given a reason, so speculating on abuse is an unnecessary contingency.

He wants something she can't give him, and what he wants is quite basic to relationships.

So to answer your question, yes, the OP should leave her.

wiggle16

tara73 wrote: »

this +1.
The abuse should be taken seriously into consideration in situations like this. Taking the shocking numbers of people been abused in their childhood/teenage years it's far more likely she experienced abuse than having any medical condition.

This is just whataboutery though. It's no more likely than any other explanation, and it's superfluous because it doesn't change anything. The only explanation that matters is the one she's already given. She's given her reasons for not wanting to have sex. She doesn't enjoy it. That's fine, a lot of people don't.

OP, her reasons aren't really important here. The bottom line is she does not enjoy sex and does not have a sex drive. You do. So you are not compatible and that's not going to change. Neyite hit the nail on the head, she's showing you who she is now. You're unhappy and missing out on so much. I hope you take that on board and end it.

LegacyUser

I am in a similar boat to you but not quite as severe. I'm a similar age to you, although girlfriend is a few years younger than I am. I'm going out with her for 2 and a half years.

Over the course of our relationship she has rarely actively sought sex or any kind of sexual stuff from me, and I often wonder if this is abnormal? She says she has issues with intimacy. She nearly always says she doesn't feel up for it. I am at the stage now that I don't enjoy doing anything sexual with her because I feel she doesn't deep down want to do it. Reading this thread has caused me to think a bit about my own situation.

When we first started going out she seemed much more into doing stuff. I sometimes wonder if she was only able to be attracted to me when I was in better shape like when we first me (put on a stone since then but was in ok shape to begin with and wouldn't be described as fat) but she has gained more weight than that herself!

Also, she says she is bisexual - sometimes I wonder if she is maybe more into girls than guys and that she just hasn't come to terms with this yet. Is there a chance she is bisexual or lesbian but because you were eager to be in a relationship you downplayed the possibility? I know with me I pushed it to the back of my mind and told myself it'll be grand but in the long run, when it comes to marriage, I want to be sure she's genuinely attracted to me. So I can see how you could normalise something which is in actuality quite abnormal (never having sex over a 3 year relationship) out of a desire to not confront something difficult.

For people saying "get out" though, it can be hard when you see stuff like the thread currently in the After Hours forum "are you happy being single?": most people single there aren't happy with, and around late 20s seems to be the turning point where things change from "it feels like I am time available to find the right person" and "if I don't settle down quick I'll never have anyone", especially if you do get on really well with the person.

Sorry this post is a bit all over the place but I suppose the main point to take from it is I can understand how you found yourself in the position you are in and I certainly would not judge you for it.

khaldrogo

antiskeptic wrote:

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

Someone with more compassion than I will surely answer this but let me ask you, should this guy go his life without sex due to her abuse?

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

antiskeptic wrote: »

Would you, given this possibility, still suppose a man who appears to have an otherwise loving relationship with this women should, as a first port of call, dump her? Is that what you do with people you love?

I'd say that refusing your partner sex for three years and refusing to talk about the problem isn't something you do with someone you love either, right?

Anyhow, I don't necessarily think his first port of call should be to dump her -- but he does need to make clear that he isn't willing to continue with the status quo. No sexual contact beyond an occasional kiss and cuddle? Most people with healthy sex drives would get frustrated with that after three days, never mind three years.

If attempts to get her to talk, go to counseling, etc., don't work, then yes, I think he should leave her. I don't think a 29-year-old man should resign himself to not having sex for the rest of his life, especially if his partner isn't willing even to discuss the issue. What kind of marriage and future is he setting himself up for?

Big Bag of Chips

People are discussing "her abuse" as if it's fact. It's not. It hasn't been mentioned by the OP. Advise based on what the OP has posted.

Hypotheticals aren't relevant.