thoughts on situation

LegacyUser · 03-03-2019 02:40PM #1

would I be right to get annoyed if a partner of 5 years who was working abroad for a week who spent the day with a work colleague on business meetings went out to dinner(which is totally fine) but then went back to his hotel room for a few hours to discuss work?

I chatted to her on the phone that night at around midnight and was told about the dinner ,i do remember asking if they decided to have a drink or something after but was told no, just water. And they had go somewhere to buy gifts for a business meeting on the following day.

It niggled with me a bit so I asked her the day after where they went after dinner; turns out they went back to the hotel room of the work colleague with beers, but that it was just talking about work.

This kind of made me see red, and I wondered why not go to the hotel bar or something, but apparently its too expensive and there is no issue going back to the work colleagues room.

thoughts please

woodchuck · 03-03-2019 03:16PM

In my opinion, you're overreacting.

zapper55 · 03-03-2019 03:20PM

Nobody is going to be able to tell you if they are telling the truth or not.

Maybe the lobby was too noisy or busy. And why would they tell you if it wasn't innocent.

However I wouldn't go to a colleague's bedroom on a work trip for their sake and mine. I don't think its appropriate or respectful to partners and adding alcohol the equation is very unwise.

Have they given you reason to doubt their loyalty previously? How is the relationship otherwise?

Oryx · 03-03-2019 03:23PM

Apart from your thoughts on it, purely from a business sense I would consider it unprofessional to go to a colleagues hotel room. There may have been a valid reason, but they open themselves up to suspicion and gossip at the very least.

This has created a trust issue for you, which requires more discussion. Your partner may justify it properly, but only you can decide if the behaviour is acceptable to you. If it isnt, you guys have fundamental differences of opinion on what is trustworthy.

JeffKenna · 03-03-2019 05:01PM

That's very unprofessional behaviour. Why not use the hotel facilities?

wiggle16 · 03-03-2019 05:51PM

I think if your partner was up to something, it's unlikely they would have told you about the hotel room.

I also think you are overreacting.

pwurple · 03-03-2019 07:06PM

Too expensive? For whom, surely they are expensing everything on a business trip.

And yes, going to a colleagues bedroom in on a work trip is unprofessional and fairly naieve in this day and age to be honest. Leaving themselves and the colleague wide open for accusations of impropriety.

When you say you saw red, did you shout at her about it?

Aseth · 03-03-2019 08:30PM

If they wanted to cheat, they would. It doesn't have to happen in a hotel room. And they could lie about the whole thing. There is simply no way of telling. Though you clearly do not trust your partner or you are having doubts for some reason.

Ursus Horribilis · 03-03-2019 09:04PM

Were there other colleagues also on this business trip? Ones who know she went back to this guy's room?

Rachiee · 04-03-2019 12:11AM

If it was purely a business relationship I would think it quite odd. however if they were friends that she knew through work I wouldn't find it strange at all, hanging out in hotel rooms with a few beers is fun just because there's a bed in the room doesn't mean you're going to jump into it.

jimbobaloobob · 04-03-2019 12:17AM

An overreaction I think.
What happened when you saw red?
Where do your own thoughts lie on this matter and what happens when she's home?

dartboardio · 04-03-2019 12:19AM

That sounds weird and unprofessional for them to go to the bedroom.

What are they gonna do? Sit on the bed together and talk 'business' Cos usually there is only one chair.

I call bull****... Hopefully

woodchuck · 04-03-2019 08:45AM

If they need to discuss confidential information, it makes sense that they wouldn't do it openly in a bar and go somewhere more private. They also might have needed to charge a laptop in the room if they were working.

As for people saying it's unprofessional, a lot of people are mates with their work colleagues. It's likely their work put them up in a decent hotel/rooms, which would have a separate seating area. It's extremely unlikely that they were sprawled out on the bed together or anything like that.

Taking this event in isolation, I really wouldn't be worried. Do you have other reasons to be concerned though OP? The fact that you "saw red" is worrying - is there more reason to be concerned than you're telling us here, or do you generally have a short fuse? If it's the latter, I can see why she would've been reluctant to volunteer the information.

dartboardio · 04-03-2019 08:46AM

woodchuck wrote: »

If they need to discuss confidential information, it makes sense that they wouldn't do it openly in a bar and go somewhere more private. They also might have needed to charge a laptop in the room if they were working.

As for people saying it's unprofessional, a lot of people are mates with their work colleagues. It's likely their work put them up in a decent hotel/rooms, which would have a separate seating area. It's extremely unlikely that they were sprawled out on the bed together or anything like that.

Taking this event in isolation, I really wouldn't be worried. Do you have other reasons to be concerned though OP? The fact that you "saw red" is worrying - is there more reason to be concerned than you're telling us here, or do you generally have a short fuse? If it's the latter, I can see why she would've been reluctant to volunteer the information.

There are chargers in bars and restaurants and in the lobby.

I have never ever heard of someone on business discussing business in their hotel bedrooms together. That is unheard of.

woodchuck · 04-03-2019 09:07AM

What if they need to go over a pitch/presentation for the next day though? You can't rehearse in a bar.

Again, taken in isolation I wouldn't be worried. There may be more context though that hasn't been revealed.

Ursus Horribilis · 04-03-2019 09:09AM

Yes, I think we need more context. It's a situation that you can read what you want into

wiggle16 · 04-03-2019 09:35AM

dartboardio wrote: »

I have never ever heard of someone on business discussing business in their hotel bedrooms together. That is unheard of.

It's not the norm but I wouldn't put a blanket "unheard of" on it. If a hotel bar was loud and busy then you'd hardly be able to discuss business there.

And even at that, it doesn't mean that anything happened. Maybe they didn't discuss business, that doesn't mean they slept together or did anything wrong. Just because something is unusual does not make it suspect. I'm not being naive here, but it's unfair to jump to conclusions about her, based on nothing. Unless she's given reason to make the OP suspect she's been unfaithful in the past, then I think the OP is overreacting by sitting at home seething and "seeing red".

acer911 · 04-03-2019 09:38AM

JeffKenna wrote: »

That's very unprofessional behaviour. Why not use the hotel facilities?

What are you talking about? Obviously no experience of travelling for work. Unprofessional to be discussing confidential work information in the public spaces of the hotel more like it.

OP on the face of it you appear to be overreacting.

witchgirl26 · 04-03-2019 10:12AM

dartboardio wrote: »

There are chargers in bars and restaurants and in the lobby.

I have never ever heard of someone on business discussing business in their hotel bedrooms together. That is unheard of.

I've actually done this on business trips. Quite rarely to be fair but the information that needed to be discussed was highly confidential and therefore totally inappropriate to discuss in the bar or lobby area of a hotel.

That said, like someone else said, it was in a seating area of my room that was slightly separate to the bedroom part. I didn't see it as a massive deal at all. It was out of necessity.

OP no one can tell you what went on there but if you think that your partner would cheat on you that easily, then you have an issue in your relationship that you need to discuss. It could have been the most innocent thing in the world.

Mr. Incognito · 04-03-2019 10:23AM

I cannot see how anyone would need to discuss "business" after dinner and drinks in a hotel room.

I wouldnt be happy with this.

"Business" is also incredibly vague.

leggo · 04-03-2019 10:32AM

wiggle16 wrote: »

I think if your partner was up to something, it's unlikely they would have told you about the hotel room.

This resonates a lot with me.

On the other hand...

anonnnoonomus wrote: »

It niggled with me a bit so I asked her the day after where they went after dinner; turns out they went back to the hotel room of the work colleague with beers, but that it was just talking about work.

It is weird that your partner didn't get defensive or see red herself when questioned here, while also choosing to leave that part out of the original story. If I was chatting to my partner about what I got up to the night before, not only would I not leave stuff like that out, but I'd be pretty pissed if they started questioning me like this after the fact. She did leave it out and wasn't defensive. That's odd.

Ultimately, if I had to guess, I'd say nothing happened because they told you, but also that they knew it wouldn't get a good reaction if they did.

Also, as others have said, there's trust issues here. She could have not told you because she knew what your reaction would be like, or because she's sketchy. To break down which one this was, ask yourself if it was the first time you've ever questioned her with a view to seeing if she'd done anything like cheating? If you ever have, the pendulum swings towards you being jealous and her not wanting to tell you because she knows what your reaction will be. Now you're seeing the consequences of jealousy, you basically set up an infrastructure that guarantees your partner will lie or leave stuff out of stories to not worry you and that's just going to keep feeding itself (up to and including pushing her towards actually cheating or just leaving you down the line) until you sort it out.

On the other hand, if it niggled for good reason and you've never, ever questioned her about stuff like this before, maybe she knows she did wrong. Maybe she was curious or tempted or loving the freedom. That's worth an honest conversation too. But not if you're going to see red. Chat to her calmly about your feelings with a view to getting to the truth of the matter for the benefit of both of your lives. Even if you don't get the answer you're looking for, it's better to know and be able to deal with the facts. But that can only happen in an atmosphere without any anger or arguments or walls will go up.

skallywag · 04-03-2019 10:35AM

I'm often in such situations myself on business travel, and of course there are times where confidential topics need to be discussed. This can usually always be managed though without me finding myself in a woman's hotel room after dinner and drinks.

If they are good friends outside of work then yeah, I can understand, but if not then the optics on this are quite possibly going to raise an eye.

It's not a situation that I would get myself into to be honest.

wiggle16 · 04-03-2019 11:01AM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

"Business" is also incredibly vague.

How? Obviously if they were discussing "business" they were discussing matters relating to the "business" trip... ergo, they were discussing "business". We don't need the minutiae of what they talked about to decide if that's what they were talking about.

LegacyUser · 04-03-2019 11:56AM

pwurple wrote: »

Too expensive? For whom, surely they are expensing everything on a business trip.

You don't get to expense anything you want on a business trip. They are most likely given an allowance for food and drinks. I know when a friend recently came over from the states on a business trip she had a very generous daily food allowance but we still got the cheapest options so we could get more drinks.

On the information provided OP it sounds like an overreaction to me OP, unless you can give more context.

JeffKenna · 04-03-2019 12:29PM

acer911 wrote: »

What are you talking about? Obviously no experience of travelling for work. Unprofessional to be discussing confidential work information in the public spaces of the hotel more like it.

OP on the face of it you appear to be overreacting.

I've actually spent years travelling with work and never was the information so confidential that I couldn't find a quite corner of the bar or lobby to discuss it.

witchgirl26 · 04-03-2019 12:37PM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I cannot see how anyone would need to discuss "business" after dinner and drinks in a hotel room.

I wouldnt be happy with this.

"Business" is also incredibly vague.

Business isn't vague if they're away on a business trip. We don't need to know what the partner does or what the business actually is.

And in terms of need to discuss - if they're on a business trip, often things will come up that will have to be dealt with out of hours as normal working hours taken up with the meaning for the trip. I had to do it because during the day was meeting and presentations so no time to deal with normal work.

JeffKenna wrote: »

Haha I've actually spent years travelling with work and never was the information so confidential that I couldn't find a quite corner of the bar or lobby to discuss it.

That is fine but it does happen. I was in charge of the whistleblowing line for my previous company so therefore discussing any of the details of cases when away with colleagues who I needed to talk to about the case in an open area would have been highly inappropriate. I wouldn't even discuss them at my desk in the office but in a meeting room.

JeffKenna · 04-03-2019 12:43PM

witchgirl26 wrote: »

Business isn't vague if they're away on a business trip. We don't need to know what the partner does or what the business actually is.

And in terms of need to discuss - if they're on a business trip, often things will come up that will have to be dealt with out of hours as normal working hours taken up with the meaning for the trip. I had to do it because during the day was meeting and presentations so no time to deal with normal work.

That is fine but it does happen. I was in charge of the whistleblowing line for my previous company so therefore discussing any of the details of cases when away with colleagues who I needed to talk to about the case in an open area would have been highly inappropriate. I wouldn't even discuss them at my desk in the office but in a meeting room.

So you went back to a hotel room to discuss confidential whistleblowing with beer? (reading the OP beer was brought back to the room).

skallywag · 04-03-2019 12:47PM

I have found myself wanting to have a confidential chat in the evening at a hotel and have never had an issue getting an appropriate space in which to do it.

Practically all hotels have meeting rooms, and these rooms are rarely occupied in the evening. Any time I have had the need I have simply asked could we use one of these rooms for a while, and there has never been an issue, they have always obliged and opened the room for us.

witchgirl26 · 04-03-2019 12:49PM

JeffKenna wrote: »

So you went back to a hotel room to discuss confidential whistleblowing with beer? (reading the OP beer was brought back to the room).

Not with beer coz I can't stand it

but yes I did have a drink. Reason being was a case had just come in and needed to be discussed fairly urgently. Next steps had to be decided there and then and weren't in a position to wait until the next morning.

I've also done it when sorting out the presentation myself and a colleague were due to give the next day. Some last minute tweaks needed doing and practice as to how we were going to handover during the course of it. Didn't exactly want to be practising a presentation in the lobby.

baby and crumble · 04-03-2019 12:53PM

I've never understood the suspicion so many people have about their partners.

Is it only if it's a case whereby it's opposite gender colleagues where it's inappropriate? Because my wife is bi, what am I meant to do, ban her from going anywhere with her colleagues or friends?

I've often had to meet up at conferences with someone I'm presenting with etc. You can't concentrate properly in open spaces in hotels.

wiggle16 · 04-03-2019 01:13PM

JeffKenna wrote: »

So you went back to a hotel room to discuss confidential whistleblowing with beer? (reading the OP beer was brought back to the room).

Mod note:

Please ensure you have advice for the OP when posting.

We all do different things. In my line of work it would never, ever be appropriate to discuss things in a public or communal area. And we've no idea what was being discussed, unless the OP gives more info about the context there's no point in speculating or engaging in general discussion.

Thanks

thoughts on situation

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