thoughts on situation

LegacyUser

would I be right to get annoyed if a partner of 5 years who was working abroad for a week who spent the day with a work colleague on business meetings went out to dinner(which is totally fine) but then went back to his hotel room for a few hours to discuss work?

I chatted to her on the phone that night at around midnight and was told about the dinner ,i do remember asking if they decided to have a drink or something after but was told no, just water. And they had go somewhere to buy gifts for a business meeting on the following day.

It niggled with me a bit so I asked her the day after where they went after dinner; turns out they went back to the hotel room of the work colleague with beers, but that it was just talking about work.

This kind of made me see red, and I wondered why not go to the hotel bar or something, but apparently its too expensive and there is no issue going back to the work colleagues room.

thoughts please

woodchuck

In my opinion, you're overreacting.

zapper55

Nobody is going to be able to tell you if they are telling the truth or not.

Maybe the lobby was too noisy or busy. And why would they tell you if it wasn't innocent.

However I wouldn't go to a colleague's bedroom on a work trip for their sake and mine. I don't think its appropriate or respectful to partners and adding alcohol the equation is very unwise.

Have they given you reason to doubt their loyalty previously? How is the relationship otherwise?

Oryx

Apart from your thoughts on it, purely from a business sense I would consider it unprofessional to go to a colleagues hotel room. There may have been a valid reason, but they open themselves up to suspicion and gossip at the very least.

This has created a trust issue for you, which requires more discussion. Your partner may justify it properly, but only you can decide if the behaviour is acceptable to you. If it isnt, you guys have fundamental differences of opinion on what is trustworthy.

JeffKenna

That's very unprofessional behaviour. Why not use the hotel facilities?

wiggle16

I think if your partner was up to something, it's unlikely they would have told you about the hotel room.

I also think you are overreacting.

pwurple

Too expensive? For whom, surely they are expensing everything on a business trip.

And yes, going to a colleagues bedroom in on a work trip is unprofessional and fairly naieve in this day and age to be honest. Leaving themselves and the colleague wide open for accusations of impropriety.

When you say you saw red, did you shout at her about it?

Aseth

If they wanted to cheat, they would. It doesn't have to happen in a hotel room. And they could lie about the whole thing. There is simply no way of telling. Though you clearly do not trust your partner or you are having doubts for some reason.

Ursus Horribilis

Were there other colleagues also on this business trip? Ones who know she went back to this guy's room?

Rachiee

If it was purely a business relationship I would think it quite odd. however if they were friends that she knew through work I wouldn't find it strange at all, hanging out in hotel rooms with a few beers is fun just because there's a bed in the room doesn't mean you're going to jump into it.

jimbobaloobob

An overreaction I think.
What happened when you saw red?
Where do your own thoughts lie on this matter and what happens when she's home?

dartboardio

That sounds weird and unprofessional for them to go to the bedroom.

What are they gonna do? Sit on the bed together and talk 'business' Cos usually there is only one chair.

I call bull****... Hopefully

woodchuck

If they need to discuss confidential information, it makes sense that they wouldn't do it openly in a bar and go somewhere more private. They also might have needed to charge a laptop in the room if they were working.

As for people saying it's unprofessional, a lot of people are mates with their work colleagues. It's likely their work put them up in a decent hotel/rooms, which would have a separate seating area. It's extremely unlikely that they were sprawled out on the bed together or anything like that.

Taking this event in isolation, I really wouldn't be worried. Do you have other reasons to be concerned though OP? The fact that you "saw red" is worrying - is there more reason to be concerned than you're telling us here, or do you generally have a short fuse? If it's the latter, I can see why she would've been reluctant to volunteer the information.

dartboardio

woodchuck wrote: »

If they need to discuss confidential information, it makes sense that they wouldn't do it openly in a bar and go somewhere more private. They also might have needed to charge a laptop in the room if they were working.

As for people saying it's unprofessional, a lot of people are mates with their work colleagues. It's likely their work put them up in a decent hotel/rooms, which would have a separate seating area. It's extremely unlikely that they were sprawled out on the bed together or anything like that.

Taking this event in isolation, I really wouldn't be worried. Do you have other reasons to be concerned though OP? The fact that you "saw red" is worrying - is there more reason to be concerned than you're telling us here, or do you generally have a short fuse? If it's the latter, I can see why she would've been reluctant to volunteer the information.

There are chargers in bars and restaurants and in the lobby.

I have never ever heard of someone on business discussing business in their hotel bedrooms together. That is unheard of.

woodchuck

What if they need to go over a pitch/presentation for the next day though? You can't rehearse in a bar.

Again, taken in isolation I wouldn't be worried. There may be more context though that hasn't been revealed.

Ursus Horribilis

Yes, I think we need more context. It's a situation that you can read what you want into

wiggle16

dartboardio wrote: »

I have never ever heard of someone on business discussing business in their hotel bedrooms together. That is unheard of.

It's not the norm but I wouldn't put a blanket "unheard of" on it. If a hotel bar was loud and busy then you'd hardly be able to discuss business there.

And even at that, it doesn't mean that anything happened. Maybe they didn't discuss business, that doesn't mean they slept together or did anything wrong. Just because something is unusual does not make it suspect. I'm not being naive here, but it's unfair to jump to conclusions about her, based on nothing. Unless she's given reason to make the OP suspect she's been unfaithful in the past, then I think the OP is overreacting by sitting at home seething and "seeing red".

acer911

JeffKenna wrote: »

That's very unprofessional behaviour. Why not use the hotel facilities?

What are you talking about? Obviously no experience of travelling for work. Unprofessional to be discussing confidential work information in the public spaces of the hotel more like it.

OP on the face of it you appear to be overreacting.

witchgirl26

dartboardio wrote: »

There are chargers in bars and restaurants and in the lobby.

I have never ever heard of someone on business discussing business in their hotel bedrooms together. That is unheard of.

I've actually done this on business trips. Quite rarely to be fair but the information that needed to be discussed was highly confidential and therefore totally inappropriate to discuss in the bar or lobby area of a hotel.

That said, like someone else said, it was in a seating area of my room that was slightly separate to the bedroom part. I didn't see it as a massive deal at all. It was out of necessity.

OP no one can tell you what went on there but if you think that your partner would cheat on you that easily, then you have an issue in your relationship that you need to discuss. It could have been the most innocent thing in the world.

Mr. Incognito

I cannot see how anyone would need to discuss "business" after dinner and drinks in a hotel room.

I wouldnt be happy with this.

"Business" is also incredibly vague.

leggo

wiggle16 wrote: »

I think if your partner was up to something, it's unlikely they would have told you about the hotel room.

This resonates a lot with me.

On the other hand...

anonnnoonomus wrote: »

It niggled with me a bit so I asked her the day after where they went after dinner; turns out they went back to the hotel room of the work colleague with beers, but that it was just talking about work.

It is weird that your partner didn't get defensive or see red herself when questioned here, while also choosing to leave that part out of the original story. If I was chatting to my partner about what I got up to the night before, not only would I not leave stuff like that out, but I'd be pretty pissed if they started questioning me like this after the fact. She did leave it out and wasn't defensive. That's odd.

Ultimately, if I had to guess, I'd say nothing happened because they told you, but also that they knew it wouldn't get a good reaction if they did.

Also, as others have said, there's trust issues here. She could have not told you because she knew what your reaction would be like, or because she's sketchy. To break down which one this was, ask yourself if it was the first time you've ever questioned her with a view to seeing if she'd done anything like cheating? If you ever have, the pendulum swings towards you being jealous and her not wanting to tell you because she knows what your reaction will be. Now you're seeing the consequences of jealousy, you basically set up an infrastructure that guarantees your partner will lie or leave stuff out of stories to not worry you and that's just going to keep feeding itself (up to and including pushing her towards actually cheating or just leaving you down the line) until you sort it out.

On the other hand, if it niggled for good reason and you've never, ever questioned her about stuff like this before, maybe she knows she did wrong. Maybe she was curious or tempted or loving the freedom. That's worth an honest conversation too. But not if you're going to see red. Chat to her calmly about your feelings with a view to getting to the truth of the matter for the benefit of both of your lives. Even if you don't get the answer you're looking for, it's better to know and be able to deal with the facts. But that can only happen in an atmosphere without any anger or arguments or walls will go up.

skallywag

I'm often in such situations myself on business travel, and of course there are times where confidential topics need to be discussed. This can usually always be managed though without me finding myself in a woman's hotel room after dinner and drinks.

If they are good friends outside of work then yeah, I can understand, but if not then the optics on this are quite possibly going to raise an eye.

It's not a situation that I would get myself into to be honest.

wiggle16

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

"Business" is also incredibly vague.

How? Obviously if they were discussing "business" they were discussing matters relating to the "business" trip... ergo, they were discussing "business". We don't need the minutiae of what they talked about to decide if that's what they were talking about.

LegacyUser

pwurple wrote: »

Too expensive? For whom, surely they are expensing everything on a business trip.

You don't get to expense anything you want on a business trip. They are most likely given an allowance for food and drinks. I know when a friend recently came over from the states on a business trip she had a very generous daily food allowance but we still got the cheapest options so we could get more drinks.

On the information provided OP it sounds like an overreaction to me OP, unless you can give more context.

JeffKenna

acer911 wrote: »

What are you talking about? Obviously no experience of travelling for work. Unprofessional to be discussing confidential work information in the public spaces of the hotel more like it.

OP on the face of it you appear to be overreacting.

I've actually spent years travelling with work and never was the information so confidential that I couldn't find a quite corner of the bar or lobby to discuss it.

witchgirl26

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I cannot see how anyone would need to discuss "business" after dinner and drinks in a hotel room.

I wouldnt be happy with this.

"Business" is also incredibly vague.

Business isn't vague if they're away on a business trip. We don't need to know what the partner does or what the business actually is.

And in terms of need to discuss - if they're on a business trip, often things will come up that will have to be dealt with out of hours as normal working hours taken up with the meaning for the trip. I had to do it because during the day was meeting and presentations so no time to deal with normal work.

JeffKenna wrote: »

Haha I've actually spent years travelling with work and never was the information so confidential that I couldn't find a quite corner of the bar or lobby to discuss it.

That is fine but it does happen. I was in charge of the whistleblowing line for my previous company so therefore discussing any of the details of cases when away with colleagues who I needed to talk to about the case in an open area would have been highly inappropriate. I wouldn't even discuss them at my desk in the office but in a meeting room.

JeffKenna

witchgirl26 wrote: »

Business isn't vague if they're away on a business trip. We don't need to know what the partner does or what the business actually is.

And in terms of need to discuss - if they're on a business trip, often things will come up that will have to be dealt with out of hours as normal working hours taken up with the meaning for the trip. I had to do it because during the day was meeting and presentations so no time to deal with normal work.



That is fine but it does happen. I was in charge of the whistleblowing line for my previous company so therefore discussing any of the details of cases when away with colleagues who I needed to talk to about the case in an open area would have been highly inappropriate. I wouldn't even discuss them at my desk in the office but in a meeting room.

So you went back to a hotel room to discuss confidential whistleblowing with beer? (reading the OP beer was brought back to the room).

skallywag

I have found myself wanting to have a confidential chat in the evening at a hotel and have never had an issue getting an appropriate space in which to do it.

Practically all hotels have meeting rooms, and these rooms are rarely occupied in the evening. Any time I have had the need I have simply asked could we use one of these rooms for a while, and there has never been an issue, they have always obliged and opened the room for us.

witchgirl26

JeffKenna wrote: »

So you went back to a hotel room to discuss confidential whistleblowing with beer? (reading the OP beer was brought back to the room).

Not with beer coz I can't stand it but yes I did have a drink. Reason being was a case had just come in and needed to be discussed fairly urgently. Next steps had to be decided there and then and weren't in a position to wait until the next morning.

I've also done it when sorting out the presentation myself and a colleague were due to give the next day. Some last minute tweaks needed doing and practice as to how we were going to handover during the course of it. Didn't exactly want to be practising a presentation in the lobby.

baby and crumble

I've never understood the suspicion so many people have about their partners.

Is it only if it's a case whereby it's opposite gender colleagues where it's inappropriate? Because my wife is bi, what am I meant to do, ban her from going anywhere with her colleagues or friends?

I've often had to meet up at conferences with someone I'm presenting with etc. You can't concentrate properly in open spaces in hotels.

wiggle16

JeffKenna wrote: »

So you went back to a hotel room to discuss confidential whistleblowing with beer? (reading the OP beer was brought back to the room).

Mod note:

Please ensure you have advice for the OP when posting.

We all do different things. In my line of work it would never, ever be appropriate to discuss things in a public or communal area. And we've no idea what was being discussed, unless the OP gives more info about the context there's no point in speculating or engaging in general discussion.

Thanks

blue note

I feel so innocent reading this chat. My fiance travels a lot for work. I can think of plenty of times where the hotel room would be more suitable than the bar / lobby. If you had a few documents out and you don't want them visible to people, or if you had to make a call and put it on speaker. Rooms i stay in usually have two chairs and a table as well as the makeup area, so I'd say the room would work fine. I wouldn't expect her to bother asking for a meeting room unless she wanted to because the bedroom would work fine. I don't regard a hotel bedroom as like your own bedroom, it's pretty much your living area when you're staying in a hotel.

Aside from work, if she's got the inconvenience of being in a hotel for a week or two, I think it's a good idea to get out and go for dinner or have a drink or two providing you like who you're there with. In her industry that's pretty much all men, but that's grand. If she's friends with them having a drink in the room can be nicer than the bar at times.

I was once uncomfortable with a guy she was with for a conference, but that was completely to do with him. He has a girlfriend and new born baby, but literally never mentions them. My girlfriend seems to feel sorry for him because she thinks he sounds unhappy. He very possibly is, but I think it's a convenient impression to give off if you're looking for some the side fun. But that said - really my concern is that he'd try it on and make her uncomfortable as opposed to anything happening.

Anyway, I'm saying it's fine. Working away from home can be boring, a few drinks in the room with a work friend sounds like a reasonable way to relax to me.

heretothere

In one of my first jobs I didn't have to go away for work too often but some of my colleagues did. I don't know if they had beers in the rooms or not but we were on brutal wages so the bar would have been way to expensive. And as someone else said you can't just expense everything.

We would get our food paid for but had to provide receipts you couldn't really pull out one with 3 pints on it!

ManOfMystery

Context and detail is very important here.

Sitting together on a hotel bed with a beer each discussing something that could easily have been discussed in the hotel lobby or bar? Probably a bit inappropriate for work colleagues.

Sitting at a table in a separate section of a business class room (or suite) discussing something that was confidential or couldn't be done in a noisy area of the hotel? Understandable.

I've stayed in hotels many times with work and on the odd occasion a colleague has been in my room to discuss something (or vice versa) but it's usually sitting on chairs or round a table in a business class room and keeping it relatively formal.

LolaJJ

My partner travels a lot for work. While I would think it odd, inappropriate and somewhat irresponsible to put himself in the position of entering female colleagues hotel room I wouldn't ever jump to the conclusion anything happened or was suggested. I guess it's a trust thing.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

OP, I for one have spent time in a female colleague's hotel room discussing a sensitive set of issues relating to her job and future. We went there for privacy -- other work colleagues were staying in the same hotel at the time, and we didn't want to be overheard in a public area.

Reserving a meeting room can leave a paper trail. Your work account will often be charged for the service, leaving you open to questions or suspicion about what you and X were doing in a meeting room at 10:30 p.m.

"Seeing red" is an inappropriate response, in my view. If it makes you uncomfortable, talk to her about it and explain why in a way that doesn't make her feel attacked and distrusted.

As others have said, if she went back to a colleague's room and slept with him, she's highly unlikely to have told you that she went there at all. In all likelihood, she told you the truth and you overreacted.

Fiftyfilthy

Talking confidential business in his bedroom on their own after drinks?

Is talking about business after a few drinks the norm?

Why couldn’t they discuss it in the morning, fresh and a quiet table in the hotel


It’s great people in this thread are so trusting. I would find it highly suspicious

Dtp1979

Yea it really comes down to trust. She could be saying it about the bedroom because she had nothing to hide.
She could also be saying it to cover her tracks in case she ever lets it slip in future. Has her line of work the need for strict confidentiality that it has to be discussed behind closed doors?? Only the op knows this, and if she’s a trustworthy person or not.

suicide_circus

going to a colleague's hotel room after dinner for any reason is incredible bad optically. it was a dumb thing to do but its unlikely anything happened as they told you about it.

LolaJJ

Fiftyfilthy wrote: »

It’s great people in this thread are so trusting. I would find it highly suspicious

I think the point is.....you either trust your partner or you don't.

Fiftyfilthy

LolaJJ wrote: »

I think the point is.....you either trust your partner or you don't.

Thanks for clarifying

wiggle16

Mod note:
Fiftyfilthy

Before posting in PI, please ensure that you have constructive advice for the OP. PI is not a discussion forum, if all you want to post is a one-liner to another poster, please don't post.

Posters generally are also to be reminded that PI threads are about the OP's issue and posts should be primarily addressed to them - discussion of the OP in the third person is discourteous and should be avoided.

Thanks

Benny Biscotti

Dont forget that his partner lied when he first asked did she have drinks or anything after.

If it's as innocent and the norm for workers to have meetings in hotel room why was she uncomfortable enough not to tell you the first time you asked?

Dtp1979

Benny Biscotti wrote: »

Dont forget that his partner lied when he first asked did she have drinks or anything after.

If it's as innocent and the norm for workers to have meetings in hotel room why was she uncomfortable enough not to tell you the first time you asked?

Well spotted and I totally agree

silverharp

I’d assume it was innocent but seems to be awkward for her to explain it, which feeds back into why work meetings shouldn’t happen in hotel bedrooms, there is no upside and only potential downsides. In this day and age it seems like a complete outlier in terms of what would be deemed reasonable.

JustAThought

Agtee totally with the above - talk about putting HIM in a compromising position and hia stupidity in going for it. (If that is what happened). Alongside that is her original lue - not to mention that most business accounts would either have a reasonable vysiness use allocation for vusiness drinks (cluent$wine with meal) but would rarely allow for the extra cost od roomservixe for a beer or minubar loaded charges . Begs the qyeation - did they BYOB after a days work and meetings and 'business shopping' (really?) for a late night 'business meeting' in a bedroom. Sounds entirely unlukely on every call. But hey. Maybe its google they're working for and all normal rules or business observations uncluding basic HR and cop-on are by the wayside. Or she is lying again. Your pick.

Dark Phoenix

I have to be honest i'd be livid. Its not about you trusting she didnt cheat its about respect - if you respect your partner you dont put yourself willingly and deliberatly in a position where the other person could claim you cheated with them, where other colleagues on the trip could assume you cheated or where the other person could try it on. Its just not respectful at all and there was no reason or need for it - they could have worked in the hotel bar / foyer / meeting room but instead chose to be alone with a colleague of the other sex in their bedroom

dartboardio

Yep it would be a pretty big thing for me and my partner if one of us found out and the other had lied. It screams sketchy!

beauf

suicide_circus wrote: »

going to a colleague's hotel room after dinner for any reason is incredible bad optically. it was a dumb thing to do but its unlikely anything happened as they told you about it.

Maybe he was told because that's the only way to make it look less bad. It's not credible situation for me.

okatied

I've done this a few times and I didn't get up to any mischief. Sometimes because we work with sensitive information, sometimes we'd flick through channels and chat. Mostly because I love tasting local beers. These are usually not available in the hotel bar so I'd pop to an offie/supermarket/7eleven before dinner and get an ice bucket to keep them cool.

LegacyUser

Op, my heart goes out to you. This happened to me. I had complete trust in my then fiance, complete! Never for a second doubted him. Then, he went to a work conference for three days to the UK. At the time, he said that there were a few people from work going. What I didn't realise was that there were a few from another office and one woman from his team. If I had known, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.
Anyway, there was something one night that made me feel slightly off. It was a phone call and it just seemed slightly odd. I don't know why or how, but I had a feeling that something was not right. I probed and probed and I actually didn't get more of the story until a few weeks later. I never got the full story. What I eventually found out was that they had been out for dinner, had a few drinks and went back to one of the hotel rooms to practice a presentation. I am not a complete fool, nobody practices a presentation at night after a few drinks. This had been hidden from me. After that, I saw everything in a different light and I was suspicious of him and them. We broke up because of it. He protested his innocence, but he had no respect for me. He would never be honest about it. I knew that.
Ironically, I ended up working with someone who used to work in their company (different section) and they told me that there was fallout in work after that conference. They were known to be in that room together and a few weeks later they were both dumped by their other halves. Tongues wagged and they were always assumed to have slept together. My colleague does not know my connection to it, if came up in conversation about stupid things that people do.
To this day, I think that something happened. If nothing else, what happened was that he had no respect for me.