The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

coldfire1x · 08-02-2019 11:20PM

A man goes to the doctors for a check-up, the doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating!"

"Why?" asks the man.

The doctor replies, "Because I am trying to examine you!"

Capt'n Midnight · 08-02-2019 11:29PM

This guy keeps ringing me and asking for Prince Charming.

Every time I tell him there's no one here by that name, but he's adamant.

Capt'n Midnight · 08-02-2019 11:31PM

Apparently humans can catch equine flu. The first symptom is you feel a little horse....

09-02-2019 12:00AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Apparently humans can catch equine flu. The first symptom is you feel a little horse....

How do you know the wife's got equine flu?

Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag!

Dakotabigone · 09-02-2019 12:20AM

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.

joeguevara · 09-02-2019 12:41AM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Apparently humans can catch equine flu. The first symptom is you feel a little horse....

Followed by the trots

Dakotabigone · 09-02-2019 02:05PM

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster. Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.

RobMc59 · 09-02-2019 03:44PM

Brexit joke..
Britain-"the iceberg will blink first!".....

Capt'n Midnight · 09-02-2019 06:40PM

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

byrner88 · 10-02-2019 03:31AM

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof

Capt'n Midnight · 10-02-2019 12:46PM

My girlfriend told me she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine's Day.

I said "I'm working on it." and she smiled.

Which was weird as I thought she would be upset that I'm having to work on Valentine's Day.

scamalert · 10-02-2019 03:06PM

Wife says to husband one day that she wants to spice things up in their sex life and do a threesome and says maybe he could ask their neighbor to join.Husband is a bit reluctant at idea but agrees.

He approaches his neighbor with the offer.

Neighbor thinks for a bit, that he always wanted to bang his wife as she was a fine woman, and agrees to do threesome.

after first couple orgies, husband approaches neighbor again and asks to join them.

This time neighbor comes out and says, I only agreed to do this because i wanted to bang your wife but instead i always end up sucking your $ick each time

:pac:

byrner88 · 12-02-2019 07:30AM

Since my dear beloved wife died after 27 years of marriage, I've become so lonely so I decided to join a dating agency yesterday and they immediately found me a match. I met her only this morning and we both hit it off right away - we even came back to my place and had amazing sex. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget my wife but this new lady has given me hope that I can live again. She's also promised to be there to comfort me at my wife's funeral tomorrow afternoon

Edward M · 12-02-2019 10:09AM

I was at a football match in Japan once, at 90 mins the two teams started to fight using martial arts.
I turned to the fella next to me and said, what the hell is going on, he said, there's always a bit of ninjary time after these games here.

RobMc59 · 12-02-2019 10:49AM

My boss text me -"send me one of your funny jokes".
I replied-"I'm working at the moment,I'll send you one later".
He said-"that was fantastic ! send me another one."

el_gaucho · 12-02-2019 07:23PM

My boss caught me admiring his new car today. He said, “Gaucho, keep working hard and this time next year I’ll have an even better one “.

M.T. Cranium · 12-02-2019 08:05PM

Just simply mentioning oral sex is not, in and of itself, a joke, right?

Just checking.

Kevin Finnerty · 12-02-2019 08:39PM

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Just simply mentioning oral sex is not, in and of itself, a joke, right?

Just checking.

All depends how you put your mouth around it I suppose.

el_gaucho · 12-02-2019 10:16PM

Actually my boss caught me texting the other day. He said, “why aren’t you working?” I said, “I didn’t see you coming.”

TheChevron · 13-02-2019 03:29PM

John Travolta and Nicholas Cage walk into a bar.

Barman says "Why the wrong face?"

major bill · 13-02-2019 03:32PM

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly

Capt'n Midnight · 13-02-2019 11:41PM

My wife accused me of always twisting conversations for my own benefit

"Yes please, love," I said. "Milk and two sugars."

Capt'n Midnight · 13-02-2019 11:43PM

I picked up our son for my first contact visit after the acrimonious custody battle. "Don't you dare forget," growled my ex-wife. "I want him back here by 7."

Which I thought was very generous. He's only 3.

byrner88 · 14-02-2019 01:21AM

I asked my wife the other day, "What do you want for Valentines?"

She replied, "I want a divorce."

I wasn't expecting to spend that ****ing much!

byrner88 · 14-02-2019 03:43AM

Saw a sign today that made me piss myself...

Toilets Closed

bonzodog2 · 15-02-2019 05:45PM

I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...
I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it.
Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth Organ” I said...

“That’ll be Our Monica”

Capt'n Midnight · 15-02-2019 09:33PM

I was trying to explain to my wife how the knight moves in chess but to little avail.

"Look," I sighed. "It can also move 1 step to the right and 2 steps back".

Her face lit up. "Ah!" she said. "Like Theresa May's Brexit negotiations!"

byrner88 · 16-02-2019 02:09AM

I was having a pint in the pub last night when I noticed a bloke standing on his own by the pool table.

I walked over to him and said, "You look bored, do you fancy a playing a game?"

"Yeah, go on then" he replied.

I tapped him on the shoulder and ran off shouting, "You're it!"

Alanhooly · 16-02-2019 02:39AM

My landlord said to me today that my heating bill is through the roof and he's going to have to come over soon to discuss.

I told him my door is always open

Capt'n Midnight · 16-02-2019 02:43PM

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would come fourth to save walking up to the Podium.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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