If you were a teenager again would you do anything differently?

Fuddyduddy · 02-02-2019 11:27PM

Yeah I would have hit on more girls and not rejected the ones that were interested in me. Took a while to be confident/understand dating.

Would have participated more in school projects/activities that I thought only the smart kids up their own arses did.

Would have studied more.

Would have taken sports more seriously.

Fuddyduddy · 02-02-2019 11:36PM

Hunchback wrote: »

I regret so much about my teenage years, particularly in school, that it literally makes my eyes pop open at night sometimes, and I have to say out loud that I 'forgive myself', or something like that.

In first year, I was put in a secondary school where I knew nobody. A working class school. There are worse out there. I was lucky enough to have had the benefit of an excellent primary education in a public school in the Dun Laoghaire borough and I really loved learning and striving to be the best student I could be. The secondary school I went to though was completely different. It was all about being stupid and rebellious and 'I don't give a f***". Because I tried to do well, at first, I stuck out like a sore thumb and quickly became a target for abuse - verbal, punches, whatever. I am a 39 year old man now, so this was in the early 90's.

What I did (or, what I felt I had to do in order to not be killed) was reinvent myself to be the boldest, the least caring, the funniest, the hardest, the maddest person I could. I rebelled against 'learning' in order to fit in. And I completely wasted my secondary school education as a result. I was suspended. I was taken out of the highest class and put in the lowest class. When I settled too well in the lowest class, they took me out of that and put me in a different class again.

The pressure I felt was compounded by the fact that I was a gay teenager, in the closet obviously. So, I felt I had to cultivate the image of the straightest, hardest, most not-give-a-**** person I could. I am really ashamed of my teenage years. I did some embarrassing things (although I was always really a good person underneath - sticking up for the underdog etc, and I hope I didn't ever hurt anyone intentionally). But, if there was a school reunion, I would never attend because I would find it almost impossible to reconcile the person I was then with the person I am now.

It took me until I was 30 to outgrow the hangover of the decisions I made in my teenage years. I was both psychologically full of regret and, in real terms, unable to do much to create a career. As as result, I slaved in restaurants throughout my twenties (because no matter how clever you think you are, if you don't open the text books you are going to get, at best, a mediocre leaving cert).

I am in a good place now. In 2011 I went back to college. Graduated in 2015 with a First Class Honours law degree, receiving the University Scholar award twice. I qualify as a solicitor at the end of March 2019. However, having said all that, I am still left with a palpable sense of inferiority that I think I may never fully shed, and it stems from the decisions I made as a teenager that shaped my life until I was 30, and beyond. I will be interviewing for positions soon enough, and a part of me still feels like an imposter - because I am forever haunted by the spectre of my teenage years. It's a tough one to shake.

Sorry for the long winded post - I think about this a lot

Thanks for sharing!

I can relate to a lot of that (not the gay bit).

I skipped 6th class because I was bright, but ended up just being a small and average student in first year due to being a year younger. I went from higher level maths/irish down into ordinary. Because I was physically a year younger, I ended up hanging around with scumbags due to being impressionable and also overcompensating the "hard lad" look at least in first and second year.

I did make friends with almost everyone in school though, but never felt like I belonged to a group per se. Drank heavily throughout secondary school as a crutch.

Managed to get a semi decent (mid 400s) leaving cert after cramming in the last year and a half.

orourkeda1977 · 02-02-2019 11:41PM

I'd have studied harder. I wasted a lot of time in school through sheer boredom.

Also, I'd have tried to ride way more girls while I wasnt a complete mess.

Fuddyduddy · 02-02-2019 11:42PM

orourkeda1977 wrote: »

I'd have studied harder. I wasted a lot of time in school through sheer boredom.

Also, I'd have tried to ride way more girls while I wasnt a complete mess.

Amen.

Kevin Finnerty · 02-02-2019 11:45PM

jimbobaloobob wrote: »

Just read back over some of the posts there and my heart goes out to all those who had such stressful teenage years. I feel very fortunate that I didn't seem to carry a care in the world. I was like a dog chasing birds off the clothes line. Even to this day I feel I need take things more serious but my mindset won't let me worry about things that I think are small stuff. The whole world is small stuff and I'm only a viewing passenger in this carriage.

Gonna hang onto that dog chasing birds off a clothes line bit, that's a good modus operandi when it comes to being happy.
I hated my teens, so much so I refuse to revisit them myself, just a big black hole. As another poster I did manage to put it down together somewhat coherently.
Would I change anything? Everything. Someone else lived that period of my life, not me.

Pauliedragon · 02-02-2019 11:51PM

Make myself study more. I was no genius but I was relatively smart in school. I literally did fcuk all study and barely missed out on my preferred college courses. Too busy staring at young wans.

mookishboy · 03-02-2019 12:04AM

Not done the session in 2007 that gave me a psychotic episode. That i am still having the after effects, Alcohol addiction as a means to forget. Loss of what i feel is my original self, So want to be who i was. In a good job that I used to enjoy and now i hate because of where my head is. Still i am who i am and can only play the hand im dealt.
I have done worse things to people while i was younger but i wouldnt be me if i changed that.
Im not me now.

Muckka · 03-02-2019 12:06AM

I would do it all over again, I enjoyed every minute of it.
Had a great time mucking around and had great friends and parties.

No regrets

Fuddyduddy · 03-02-2019 12:07AM

Muckka wrote: »

I would do it all over again, I enjoyed every minute of it.
Had a great time mucking around and had great friends and parties.

No regrets

Username is apt lol

Mister Vain · 03-02-2019 12:07AM

I would definitely stick up for myself more and not allow myself to be pushed around. I would eat a lot healthier too.

suicide_circus · 03-02-2019 12:13AM

any changes would be dangerous as it could result in not meeting my wife

wakka12 · 03-02-2019 12:19AM

I would be more outgoing and have tried more ways to overcome by crippling shyness, and tried to make more friends during school

Though I cant say I 'regret' anything, theres just no point in giving any worry to the past it is a completely useless waste of time and energy, nothing about it can ever be changed so just put all your effort into making the future you want

AMKC · 03-02-2019 01:05AM

I was quiet shy in school and not good at making friends that's why I had no friends leaving school. I had some half friends just not life long friends if you get me. I should have stood up for myself more and socialized more too. If there was something I would change it would be a couple of mistakes I made in first year oh and my Debs would be totally different but unless someone invents a time machine soon its never going to happen so no point worrying about it.

Ariadne · 03-02-2019 01:18AM

My teenage years were the most painful years of my life. Still spending my time now trying to get over them. I'd do a lot of things differently but I don't really dwell on it too much, I made a lot of mistakes but I wasn't in a good place at the time so I can see why I made them.

zl1whqvjs75cdy · 03-02-2019 11:29AM

Life's a funny old thing. We spend so much of it regretting what we did in the past and stressing about what might be in the future. Don't think there's much point in trying to change what's already happened, or worrying about it too much. Done is done. Just try to live for now as much as you can.

Zorya · 03-02-2019 12:36PM

If I changed anything I wouldn't be here now with the ones I love, so I wouldn't change anything even though I was often a complete doofus!

Only thing I would say to my teenage self is to completely ignore those mean bitches who bullied me as I was very shy and studious. They made life hell for a few people. Wish I had punched a few of them in their stupid faces. Then again I am glad I was never one of those girls - would hate to think back on the suffering I might had caused.

03-02-2019 01:33PM

Succubus_ wrote: »

My teenage years were the most painful years of my life. Still spending my time now trying to get over them. I'd do a lot of things differently but I don't really dwell on it too much, I made a lot of mistakes but I wasn't in a good place at the time so I can see why I made them.

I just edited my earlier post as it gave the erroneous impression that my teenage years were tough. They weren't, just the normal ups and downs and those things help make us complete as people. Few people just sail through the teens, just as well since it takes more than positive experiences to form character so the road bumps serve a purpose - until they become roadblocks.

When I read posts like yours and know how hard some people have it because of factors beyond their control, decisions not of their making, circumstances that can't or don't change, I'm often struck at how little credit people give themselves for surviving those years, and particularly for turning out to be decent caring people.

You're one of those people. It doesn't matter if you made mistakes, you still turned out to be inspirational in how you've coped with adversity.

alta stare · 03-02-2019 01:38PM

If i could go back i wouldnt have two kids by the time i was twenty. Id go get a trade or college. But as they say hindsight is a great thing so iv just went and done what i wanted later in life as your never too old. Yes it makes it more daunting but hey what harm better late than never.

I have though drilled it into my kids not to do life the way i did.

esme95 · 03-02-2019 01:53PM

I would have been a lot more sociable. I spent my teenage years as a recluse. There were (and still are) lapses in my social skills which truly surfaced when I went to college. I would have taken up a sport. I would have believed in myself a hell of a lot more. I would not say all those horrible things to my family members. Looking back I think I was severely depressed and I think it went undiagnosed. I would spend all summer in my room with the curtains and closed, even on sunny days. I would walk around with a slumped posture, my eyes fixed on the ground. I had no interest in boys, I didn't even take one to my debs. I had no interest in anything really. It was only around second year of college that I started to appreciate the world, that I started to explore what life has to offer, that I started to build a sense of identity and self worth, which as a young woman in my early 20's, I am still working on.

I had a difficult time as a teenager and I am still picking up the pieces. My self confidence has improved enormously but I still feel as insecure as my teenage self at times. I believe that your teenage years truly are your formative years and if I were to have a teenage daughter I would instill in her a very strong sense of self confidence that I suppose my own mother failed to do in me. Indeed, it is making me quite sad to even recall those years.

Fuddyduddy · 03-02-2019 01:58PM

esme95 wrote: »

I would have been a lot more sociable. I spent my teenage years as a recluse. There were (and still are) lapses in my social skills which truly surfaced when I went to college. I would have taken up a sport. I would have believed in myself a hell of a lot more. I would not say all those horrible things to my family members. Looking back I think I was severely depressed and I think it went undiagnosed. I would spend all summer in my room with the curtains and closed, even on sunny days. I would walk around with a slumped posture, my eyes fixed on the ground. I had no interest in boys, I didn't even take one to my debs. I had no interest in anything really. It was only around second year of college that I started to appreciate the world, that I started to explore what life has to offer, that I started to build a sense of identity and self worth, which as a young woman in my early 20's, I am still working on.

I had a difficult time as a teenager and I am still picking up the pieces. My self confidence has improved enormously but I still feel as insecure as my teenage self at times. I believe that your teenage years truly are your formative years and if I were to have a teenage daughter I would instill in her a very strong sense of self confidence that I suppose my own mother failed to do in me.

Have you identified what you believe was the catalyst to your depression/"reclusivity"? Have you reconciled?

Gimme A Pound · 03-02-2019 02:04PM

I'd have gone to one of the local community schools instead of being elitist and going to a girls school in town. I'd have studied harder to get enough points for doing the languages/Erasmus thing and gotten fluent in French and German.

Ariadne · 03-02-2019 02:05PM

Candie wrote: »

I just edited my earlier post as it gave the erroneous impression that my teenage years were tough. They weren't, just the normal ups and downs and those things help make us complete as people. Few people just sail through the teens, just as well since it takes more than positive experiences to form character so the road bumps serve a purpose - until they become roadblocks.

When I read posts like yours and know how hard some people have it because of factors beyond their control, decisions not of their making, circumstances that can't or don't change, I'm often struck at how little credit people give themselves for surviving those years, and particularly for turning out to be decent caring people.

You're one of those people. It doesn't matter if you made mistakes, you still turned out to be inspirational in how you've coped with adversity.

Thank you Candie, your post really touched me and brought a tear to my eye. I used to think that those years made me stronger and made me who I was and built character, I used to think what's the point in looking back and look how far I've come. I thought all of those things until I fell apart, again. Now I am rebuilding myself again, and hopefully I will look back on those years and these years in the same way in the future.

esme95 · 03-02-2019 02:10PM

Fuddyduddy wrote: »

Have you identified what you believe was the catalyst to your depression/"reclusivity"? Have you reconciled?

I suppose I had a very solid belief that I was not worthy of friends, or a boyfriend, or any sort of joy. I did not want the world to see me, I thought I was absolutely hideous. I was probably a size 12 at the time and I thought I was literally obese, I would cry when I saw pictures of myself. My mother knew something was up but she didn't seem to care, I think she had her own issues really. I overheard her speaking to my sister one day, saying that all I do is sit in my room with my curtains closed and that I was putting on weight, but she never once voiced her personal concerns directly to me. After that incident I just wanted to stay inside forever. Those years are a complete blur to me, I don't have the memories of sneaking out to teenage discos or drinking in a field that other people seem to have and it saddens me because I never will. I see those years as a waste so I tend to block them out of memory entirely because revisiting them makes me upset.

I never fell out with my mother, we bicker but I wouldn't have the heart to cut someone off completely. I wouldn't be particularly close to her. I don't want to get too personal but let's just say that my father was an abusive parent and she fought his corner every time. I feel like I am in a therapy session haha.

03-02-2019 02:11PM

Succubus_ wrote: »

Thank you Candie, your post really touched me and brought a tear to my eye. I used to think that those years made me stronger and made me who I was and built character, I used to think what's the point in looking back and look how far I've come. I thought all of those things until I fell apart, again. Now I am rebuilding myself again, and hopefully I will look back on those years and these years in the same way in the future.

You are stronger and more resilient than you know, you already know you have it in you to stand on top of your mountain again. You'll get there. Xx

Fuddyduddy · 03-02-2019 02:33PM

esme95 wrote: »

I suppose I had a very solid belief that I was not worthy of friends, or a boyfriend, or any sort of joy. I did not want the world to see me, I thought I was absolutely hideous. I was probably a size 12 at the time and I thought I was literally obese, I would cry when I saw pictures of myself. My mother knew something was up but she didn't seem to care, I think she had her own issues really. I overheard her speaking to my sister one day, saying that all I do is sit in my room with my curtains closed and that I was putting on weight, but she never once voiced her personal concerns directly to me. After that incident I just wanted to stay inside forever. Those years are a complete blur to me, I don't have the memories of sneaking out to teenage discos or drinking in a field that other people seem to have and it saddens me because I never will. I see those years as a waste so I tend to block them out of memory entirely because revisiting them makes me upset.

I never fell out with my mother, we bicker but I wouldn't have the heart to cut someone off completely. I wouldn't be particularly close to her. I don't want to get too personal but let's just say that my father was an abusive parent and she fought his corner every time. I feel like I am in a therapy session haha.

Okay wow, yeah I can completely understand how you could feel that way.

A lot of parents don't realise how seriously we take their criticism or judgement. They are like our Gods growing up; metaphorically and physically creating our existence.

When we feel rejected by those that brought us into the world, it can have a terrible effect on self-esteem. When your parents question why you are the way you are, it instils this believe that you are fundamentally "flawed", and this is magnified during out formative years when we are really only beginning to form a real sense of identity.

I've come to realise that while parent's can be held responsible for moulding you, it is important to realise that they too were moulded by their parents, and they are only living out the result of their own experiences. I believe MOST parents don't intend to harm their children.

I really hope you are in a much better place now and realise that you while our formative years are so critical, they only make up a short period of our lives. Go forward and continue to grow and discover the intrinsic beauty and wonder that is the individual YOU - there is literally no one else in the universe to take your place!

03-02-2019 02:45PM

My teenage years were extremely difficult and I can feel the ache in my lower stomach as I think back. I was very shy and struggled with others. Even friends at the time weren't really that. I spent every morning break alone because I felt like there was nobody and I didn't know how to join in. Social interaction were fraught with being left out, laughed at, made feel different. I was bullied and constantly called a lesbian because I didn't have a boyfriend or expressed (outwardly) any interest in boys.

Some memories that really stick out is sitting in class having balls of paper thrown in to my hair because it was so curly. Or being pushed up against the lockers and feeling absolutely terrified. Then moved from higher level to ordinary in some subjects purely because I had zero confidence in myself and my abilities. I wasn't popular or pretty or talented. Instead I was quiet and average and stunted due to how I felt towards myself.

It really wasn't until the last two years of school that a slow shift occurred. I developed friendships and started to come in to my own somewhat. At 17 I started to go to nightclubs and felt a sense of belonging among those girls. I started to have fun and wear nice clothes and makeup, learn how to do my hair properly. 18 and 19 I was in third level and dare I say it popular. I met so many people who seemed to be just like me. Music and book lovers. New friends who I could sit up all night chatting with. It was a revelation.

Now I have no issues socially, in fact I am quite engaging and open, no shyness remains. My confidence and self-esteem is in tact (more or less) thanks to a huge amount of personal work myself. And yet. There are moments. Moments when I look in the mirror and I hear 'you're a weirdo' or 'fatty' or 'you aren't good enough'. I don't know if its my voice or theirs. Moments when I'm on a crowded street and feel like there's a pane of glass between me and everyone else. Moments when I can't quite get passed the feeling of difference and watch as that feeling gets in the way and I am in danger of isolating myself.

I haven't a clue how I could have done anything different. Care less? Be suddenly the life and soul? The way I see it is I would have to be a completely different person then. As tough as those years were they taught me a lot about people and my own capacity for resilience and survival. Now I only have fondness and compassion for that young Persepoly and her fuzzy head and jam jar glasses

esme95 · 03-02-2019 02:53PM

Fuddyduddy wrote: »

Okay wow, yeah I can completely understand how you could feel that way.

A lot of parents don't realise how seriously we take their criticism or judgement. They are like our Gods growing up; metaphorically and physically creating our existence.

When we feel rejected by those that brought us into the world, it can have a terrible effect on self-esteem. When your parents question why you are the way you are, it instils this believe that you are fundamentally "flawed", and this is magnified during out formative years when we are really only beginning to form a real sense of identity.

I've come to realise that while parent's can be held responsible for moulding you, it is important to realise that they too were moulded by their parents, and they are only living out the result of their own experiences. I believe MOST parents don't intend to harm their children.

I really hope you are in a much better place now and realise that you while our formative years are so critical, they only make up a short period of our lives. Go forward and continue to grow and discover the intrinsic beauty and wonder that is the individual YOU - there is literally no one else in the universe to take your place!

You are very kind, thank you for those words. Rejection is exactly what it was. She displayed strong favouritism towards certain siblings. I remember bringing it up with her back then, she denied it and started laughing in front of me. I echo the fact that they are like your Gods when you are that age. Was having a chat with my best friend a few months back and she said "You do realise that your parents can be wrong?" and I actually needed to stop and think about it. The fact that my mother was/is with a man like my father would signify that she has severe confidence issues herself and unfortunately they were projected onto me.

You are right, all I can do is work on myself to ensure that my own children won't run into the same problems. Thanks again, you have given me things to think about

DoozerT6 · 03-02-2019 03:05PM

I would do a lot differently, if I had known then what I do now:

Lose the puppy fat and do my best to keep it off.
Dress better, more flatteringly, and make the best of my average looks.
Work harder for the LC and get into a proper uni/college.
Socialise more in college. Socialise more in general, actually!!
Actually TRY to find a relationship, instead of just hoping it would happen out of the blue, like it seemed to for everybody else....
Avoid a certain person who effectively sabotaged my career while pretending to be my friend. It took me a long time to see through them.

Really everything hinged on doing better in the LC (I did thoroughly enjoy secondary school though) which would have led my life down a completely different path with different people. Would it have been better? Who knows, but at least it would have been different (there's that word again). I may have had a career at this stage of my life, instead of just a job.

demanufactured · 03-02-2019 03:10PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

If I was a teenager again I'd tell myself not to take things to seriously.
I had a habit of worrying over stupid little things mainly regarding teachers when I was in my early teens but I did grow out if it.
I'd have gone out more also.

If you were a teenager again would you do anything differently?

Yes.

Gimme A Pound · 03-02-2019 03:17PM

There are loads of things I would change if i could go back knowing what I know now. But I definitely definitely can't

so while there's nothing wrong with a bit of "if only", once you've been a decent person, don't be too hard on yourself. Because making mistakes, doing stupid sh1t, thinking stupid things... that's part of being a teenager and part of your 20s also. You have to have that period of time to make bad decisions and learn from them.

If you were a teenager again would you do anything differently?

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