Do I walk?

LegacyUser · 28-12-2018 01:18AM #1

Right, gone unregistered for this. My wife has now gone for me or slapped me 3 times in the last year or so. It hadn't happened before that and each time she's been absolutely hammered.

The first time she did it, she slapped me across the face multiple times. There was a trigger but it was a complete misunderstanding of something I'd said. The second time, it was after a night out in front of a friend of mine. We'd had a slight disagreement over something trivial and she lost it. My mate was stunned. He just said "My God, you didn't do anything to deserve that". The third time was the other night in front of my kids, the neighbours and the neighbours kids. There was no trigger, she was just smashed and started swearing badly in front of the kids, telling me she didn't want to live with me and then tried to attack me. While we'd all taken a bit of drink, she was too drunk to be able to even slap me.

She wouldn't normally be that sort of person although she is quite verbally aggressive most of the time. I'm not sure what to make of it because, and I know this isn't politically correct, I think this sort of thing is worse if it's the other way around because I can physically overpower her if I need to. But it's not even the physical damage, because there is none, it's the emotional damage.

On the flip side, I don't want my kids to have a broken home and I don't want to end up living in a small flat with no money seeing my kids once a week which is what tends to happen in this country.

And I will also admit, I'm not a perfect husband or anything. I'm far from the worst but I'm not the best either and our relationship has been struggling for a while because of faults on both sides. But, to me, this is on another level. What should I do?

argentum · 28-12-2018 01:54AM

First of all she needs to stop drinking because she has a drink problem.
You need to go to counselling together to sort out the other issue of her trying to beat you up.
You should also speak to the Gardai to make a complaint about her in case you need a separation agreement / divorce.
Think of the advice you'd give a woman if her husband was hitting her....its no different and its abuse

Car99 · 28-12-2018 02:42AM

Speak to her when shes sober at a time and place where you have time and some privacy to discuss such a matter. Aske her firstly if she remembers the abuse and what she said. Tel her what happened if she can't remember. Then you guys can make a plan be that as a couple or separated but imo continuing as you are things will only get worse without some communication to sort out your relationship.

Sardonicat · 28-12-2018 03:59AM

It's abusive to you and it's abusive to your kids seeing their mother in that state attacking their father.

She needs to stop drinking and get individual help with her drinking and violent behaviour and you would probably benefit from couples counselling too.

I would second the advice of making a report of her assaults on you to the guards. If she refuses to address her behaviour you need to get you kids away from her, not just you. Drunken domestic violence is something Tusla could take action over. Your kids need to come first here. That might be an angle you could take when trying to convince her to get help.

Payton · 28-12-2018 04:12AM

I've been there and believe me it doesn't get better.
Go to your garda station later and make a complaint and ask for the pulse number, in my experience the garda were fantastic. If she's is violent with you again and marks you (broken skin or bruising) go to A+E and it will be recorded. You will need all these as evidence if you need to seek protection from the courts through a protection or barring order.
If you have somewhere to go please go and take the children for a few days to get yourself sorted.
From experience it won't change, there will be promises and broken promises. She needs to accept she has a problem and until she wants to get help it will continue.
It can be very degrading and humiliating and your head must be all over the place but you did nothing wrong. Keep yourself well fed, well washed and feed, presentable and look after yourself.
It's not about your wife anymore its about you and your children and where you want her in your lives.
A couple of useful groups i found to be brillant.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/
http://www.amen.ie

joeguevara · 28-12-2018 07:57AM

Stop admitting things about not being the perfect husband. That is excusing violence. Stop worrying about your kids being from a broken home. Them seeing your wife hitting you in front of them is much more damaging than parents being separated. Finally stop doing nothing. Make a proactive decision and try and fix the issue or walk. This is three times. This is not something that happened out of the blue. It will get worse and worse and more than likely end up in you hitting her back.

Get help. Get counseling. Get something. No one in this world has done anything that bad that causes their partner to strike them. Done feel less of a man for getting help. But above all don’t allow this to continue. It doesn’t mean the end but it should mean the end of this part of your life. Feel for you.

Kidchameleon · 28-12-2018 08:08AM

Go to the guards and report it. She needs councelling or it will only get worse. I would worry about leaving the children alone with her.

joeguevara · 28-12-2018 08:30AM

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Go to the guards and report it. She needs councelling or it will only get worse. I would worry about leaving the children alone with her.

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

Mokuba · 28-12-2018 08:42AM

joeguevara wrote: »

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

If he were the wife and the husband were behaving in this way, then this would be the advice given and thanked to high heaven on here.

If it was a once off then I could get over it if genuine remorse was shown. 3 times and you are a vile thug. Man or woman.

mr_cochise · 28-12-2018 08:44AM

joeguevara wrote:

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

Would you say the same if it was him assaulting her?

joeguevara · 28-12-2018 09:01AM

mr_cochise wrote: »

Would you say the same if it was him assaulting her?

Yes I would and have done. I am in no way condoning domestic violence and think the Gards should be involved as a last resort but when they are there is no going back from that process. In my experience, which is very raw at the moment, the person regretted it. I did say it was my opinion and others would disagree but in family situations it is not always the best way forward.

Sardonicat · 28-12-2018 09:12AM

^^^^^
When do you know you've reached 'last resort '?
When someone needs stitches?
When someone has broken bones?
When someone needs surgery and 4 units of blood because the offending party had a kitchen knife in their hand when they exploded?
How many times do you have to ask, plead, beg your partner to stop assaulting you before you reach the last resort?
How many times do thechildren need to be exposed to the terror of seeing one parent hurt another? Til it becomes normal?

joeguevara · 28-12-2018 09:22AM

Sardonicat wrote: »

^^^^^
When do you know you've reached 'last resort '?
When someone needs stitches?
When someone has broken bones?
When someone needs surgery and 4 units of blood because the offending party had a kitchen knife in their hand when they exploded?
How many times do you have to ask, plead, beg your partner to stop assaulting you before you reach the last resort?
How many times do thechildren need to be exposed to the terror of seeing one parent hurt another? Til it becomes normal?

When you don’t mind looking your kids in the eyes and answering the question why you sent my mammy/daddy to prison. I never said don’t do it. All I said was be sure before that call is made.

Pawwed Rig · 28-12-2018 09:25AM

Mokuba wrote: »

If he were the wife and the husband were behaving in this way, then this would be the advice given and thanked to high heaven on here.

If it was a once off then I could get over it if genuine remorse was shown. 3 times and you are a vile thug. Man or woman.

if it was the woman being assaulted then we would be recommending barring orders/leaving etc and all things being equal would say the same here. Unfortunately in family cases the woman usually gets the kids in the event of break ups and then the man gets access on her forbearance. If the OP ends the relationship he may well lose access to his kids (legally or otherwise) and end up losing his home.

OP contact Amen. They have experience of these issues. Any advice on here may make matters worse.

Sardonicat · 28-12-2018 09:34AM

joeguevara wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

^^^^^
When do you know you've reached 'last resort '?
When someone needs stitches?
When someone has broken bones?
When someone needs surgery and 4 units of blood because the offending party had a kitchen knife in their hand when they exploded?
How many times do you have to ask, plead, beg your partner to stop assaulting you before you reach the last resort?
How many times do thechildren need to be exposed to the terror of seeing one parent hurt another? Til it becomes normal?

When you don’t mind looking your kids in the eyes and answering the question why you sent my mammy/daddy to prison. I never said don’t do it. All I said was be sure before that call is made.

If ( and it's a big if) an abusive spouse goes to prison it's their own behaviour that has sent them there. The reason many of us are urging the op to contact the guards is to have a record of his wife's violent behaviour so it will be easier for him to protect his children and himself from her if she fails to address her issues, not to send her to prison.

You're victim blaming.

Big Bag of Chips · 28-12-2018 09:34AM

Why are you considering leaving? And leaving your children in the care of an alcoholic abusive woman? If you think it is not yet at the point where you need to leave, it is certainly at the point where you need to sit her down, at a time she's sober and reasonable, and talk to her about her behaviour and how it is beginning to escalate.

She cannot handle her drink, and she cannot control herself with drink. The fact that she will attack you in front of friends and neighbours is worrying. A lot of abusive partners tend to do it behind closed doors where nobody can see. Alcoholism and indeed domestic violence is progressive, it starts off small and builds. This is not going to get better by itself, and it's not going to stop. It will continue, and worsen.

If you want to give her a chance then you need to try get her to talk about her behaviour and agree to a plan to change. If she won't then you need to start taking steps to protect yourself and your children from her. That means getting outside help. If you allow this continue or if you leave and leave your children to deal with her then they won't thank you in the long run. Yes, it can be upsetting for children to have their parents separate, but it can be far more damaging to have their parents stay together 'for the kids' whilst exposing the kids to damaging and abusive behaviour.

LegacyUser · 28-12-2018 10:01AM

Thanks everyone for the replies.

We have been to counselling for other issues in our marriage. To be honest, and this is partly my own fault, this never came up during the sessions. We were asked to fill out a form where one of the questions was "Have either of you ever hit the other?" My wife was horrified and said "Well now I'm going to look bad if I fill this out." To be fair, we both answered it honestly and I thought if it's serious enough, it will come up but it was never mentioned and my wife was terrified of it ever coming up. In my head, I just thought that maybe I was overplaying the importance of it if the counselor never brought it up.

She's made all sorts of excuses about it before. The first time, she insisted I said something which I didn't. The second time, she couldn't remember what happened but said I must have provoked her. While she does feel terrible about it, she also doesn't think it's that serious because she hasn't actually physically hurt me.

She refuses to accept she has a drink problem (this stuff isn't the only sign of it, there are other things). She just says "Well x drinks as much as me. I like a drink, sometimes it goes too far."

She has begged and pleaded and said she will go and get help. Maybe that's the next step but I'm starting to feel like this really isn't for me any more. The kids are the only reason I'm staying and while I realise that sounds a bit weak, the thought of ripping their world apart of having restricted access to them tears me apart.

She is a great mother normally and I don't believe she would ever physically harm the kids even if she goes too far verbally with them at times. I know how that reads but I really don't believe she would lay a hand on them.

LegacyUser · 28-12-2018 10:27AM

OP, it was said in another thread which a woman had started about her abusive partner that couples therapy is an absolute no for people in abusive relationships. Yet here I'm reading about how you should go to couples therapy!! Jesus, the double standard is so bloody annoying.

You are in an abusive relationship. It matters not one whit why she is hitting you - the bottom line is that she is, she is abusing you. Look at what she is capable of doing in front of others and your children? Behaviour like that escalates. We've seen it enough in the news where the man is the abuser and kills the partner.

You have witnesses, go to the Guards. Speak to a solicitor, and you and your kids get out of that house. The fact that you have witnesses will go far for you in terms of custody.

She needs to sort her problems out but you can't help her. You need to prioritise yours and your children's safety. Also, please speak to AMEN, they'll be able to give you advice.

You are in an abusive relationship, please protect yourself.

Big Bag of Chips · 28-12-2018 10:28AM

She doesn't have to ever lay a hand on them for it to cause damage. Were you ever around a very drunk person as a child? A person who you looked up to and trusted? It's terrifying. I remember a neighbour if ours having one too many occasionally. This woman was in our house every day. Was a very good family friend of neighbour. Which was always why when she had one too many (which was rare, by the way) that her husband would drive her to our house to look for help to get her out of the car and into her bed.

I remember only twice in my life that it happened, but I was so afraid. I didn't know what was happening, what was wrong with her. Why she couldn't stand, why she was incoherent and giving out to everyone.... And that was only a neighbour, not my mother, and that scene has stuck with me for over 30 years.

Just because you think she wouldn't hit your children doesn't mean it's alright.

You need to get her to address this. And not talk about maybe addressing it at some future point. She addresses it now. She makes phone calls and sees what she can do. You might also benefit from Al-Anon. You are enabling her behaviour and minimising it. All partners of alcoholics do it. It's why going to talk to other people living with alcoholics will open your eyes to what you are actually doing.

Changes need to happen. No point waiting until the situation has become unbearable. Although, it's already becoming unbearable for you, yet you think your children will do fine there?

joeguevara · 28-12-2018 10:49AM

Sardonicat wrote: »

If ( and it's a big if) an abusive spouse goes to prison it's their own behaviour that has sent them there. The reason many of us are urging the op to contact the guards is to have a record of his wife's violent behaviour so it will be easier for him to protect his children and himself from her if she fails to address her issues, not to send her to prison.

You're victim blaming.

I am not victim blaming. Nothing I detest more. I am just seeing it with two friends at the moment and I have been told it’s the worst thing that one did. I’m just saying what I see at the moment. Not saying it’s right or wrong.

Pawwed Rig · 28-12-2018 10:54AM

Please contact AMEN at 046 9023718 before you lose everything. You will not be believed if you goto the family courts. You are now making excuses for and enabling her behaviour.

Fairly poor counsellor who doesn't address a domestic violence issue by the way. If you had hit her it would have been the primary focus of the sessions.

nthclare · 28-12-2018 11:02AM

joeguevara wrote: »

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

If the shoe was on the other foot,I'm sure your opinion would differ.

When I see replies like this, it makes me shiver.

If a man was beating his wife all the femminazis would be screaming from their ivory towers to bar him from the house, never let him see his kids again, make sure he's homeless, a broken man, take all his earnings, that'll teach him...

It works both ways, if you want equality suck it up.

I'd throw her out if she assaulted me, there's no easy or soft way, kick her out of the family home.

She's a dangerous piece of work.....

joeguevara · 28-12-2018 11:38AM

nthclare wrote: »

If the shoe was on the other foot,I'm sure your opinion would differ.

When I see replies like this, it makes me shiver.

If a man was beating his wife all the femminazis would be screaming from their ivory towers to bar him from the house, never let him see his kids again, make sure he's homeless, a broken man, take all his earnings, that'll teach him...

It works both ways, if you want equality suck it up.

I'd throw her out if she assaulted me, there's no easy or soft way, kick her out of the family home.

She's a dangerous piece of work.....

Actually what I’m seeing now with my mates the shoe is on the other foot. Look back at my posts. I never said anything but sort it out. I would agree about kicking out of the family home but as another poster outlined this may cause issues that could backfire. My only advice was to think before involving the Gardai as it starts a process that may be regretted later. Domestic violence is an issue very close to me and something I abhor whether it’s perpetrated by man or woman. The OP needs help. He needs to be safe as do the kids. His partner cannot get away with what she has done and they all need help.

Kidchameleon · 28-12-2018 11:59AM

joeguevara wrote: »

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

If the marraige ends, he will not be beleived. She could turn the whole situation around and he would lose everything with the kids being left with a violent thug of a woman. I have seen this happen, Ireland as a state hates fathers. I advise going to the guards for the record, not to have her locked up.

nthclare · 28-12-2018 12:11PM

joeguevara wrote: »

Actually what I’m seeing now with my mates the shoe is on the other foot. Look back at my posts. I never said anything but sort it out. I would agree about kicking out of the family home but as another poster outlined this may cause issues that could backfire. My only advice was to think before involving the Gardai as it starts a process that may be regretted later. Domestic violence is an issue very close to me and something I abhor whether it’s perpetrated by man or woman. The OP needs help. He needs to be safe as do the kids. His partner cannot get away with what she has done and they all need help.

But in all fairness the guard's should be involved if she's assaulted him, or is a danger to the family unit.

I think you have empathy for a woman who's violent and abusive towards her partner.

Why regret a process if you're being undermined, assaulted and in danger ?

She could make up the fact that he's assaulting her, and the bitch would get away with it.

I've heard of women who sit down in AA meetings and admit they accused their execs off all sorts of different things which never happened, it was all made up....
They wish they could turn back the clock and never have ruined their exe partners Life with lies, Falce aligations and manipulative behaviour.
It's too late as the damage has been done, he will never trust her ever ever again.
Because he lost everything, more than likely he thought he was loosing his mind or memory, a woman or man on drugs will do anything, I mean anything for attention or a fix...

Go any Alanon or Naranon open meeting in the country, if You hear the abuse men and women have to recover from living with alcoholics or drug addiction, it's horrific absolutely horrific.

Sittingpretty · 28-12-2018 12:15PM

I second the advice to contact amen.ie

They will have experience of this and will be able to give to advise as to the best course of action.

I know for a fact if I ever hit my husband while roaring drunk or otherwise it would be game over for me. You’ve allowed her to do this once, then twice and now a third time. It is NOT ok. The fact that should you need to you could over power her is irrelevant. She’s a drunk and she’s becoming a violent drunk. Your children must have been terrified.

Don’t ever give her the opportunity to do it again. Contact amen and when she’s sober tell her she either addresses her drinking and attends counselling (on her own) for her anger issues or she will be leaving the family home ALONE owing to her own abusiveness.

She does NOT get an easy pass on this owing to her gender.

Teyla Emmagan · 28-12-2018 12:19PM

Marriageintrouble wrote:

On the flip side, I don't want my kids to have a broken home and I don't want to end up living in a small flat with no money seeing my kids once a week which is what tends to happen in this country.

You won't be the one leaving, your abusive alcoholic wife will be the one leaving. No one is going to give her custody of your children. She is an addict with violent impulses. And she is taking no responsibility whatsoever for her actions. You need to talk to Amen, and to get a solicitor. Your wife may never change her behaviour, in fact it is escalating. Protect yourself and your kids.

Sardonicat · 28-12-2018 12:29PM

nthclare wrote: »

joeguevara wrote: »

Actually what I’m seeing now with my mates the shoe is on the other foot. Look back at my posts. I never said anything but sort it out. I would agree about kicking out of the family home but as another poster outlined this may cause issues that could backfire. My only advice was to think before involving the Gardai as it starts a process that may be regretted later. Domestic violence is an issue very close to me and something I abhor whether it’s perpetrated by man or woman. The OP needs help. He needs to be safe as do the kids. His partner cannot get away with what she has done and they all need help.

But in all fairness the guard's should be involved if she's assaulted him, or is a danger to the family unit.

I think you have empathy for a woman who's violent and abusive towards her partner.

Why regret a process if you're being undermined, assaulted and in danger ?

She could make up the fact that he's assaulting her, and the bitch would get away with it.

I've heard of women who sit down in AA meetings and admit they accused their execs off all sorts of different things which never happened, it was all made up....
They wish they could turn back the clock and never have ruined their exe partners Life with lies, Falce aligations and manipulative behaviour.
It's too late as the damage has been done, he will never trust her ever ever again.
Because he lost everything, more than likely he thought he was loosing his mind or memory, a woman or man on drugs will do anything, I mean anything for attention or a fix...

Go any Alanon or Naranon open meeting in the country, if You hear the abuse men and women have to recover from living with alcoholics or drug addiction, it's horrific absolutely horrific.

I know man who got out of an abusive relationship with his son. The only reason he was able to bring his son with him was because he had kept the guards informed of each and every assault. They were hugely sympathetic. The night he left her she started to kick off big time. Back town to the guards he went and they called out to the house while he was packing up. Gaurd overheard the witch screaming to him that she would lie and make false accusations to prevent him even seeing his child not knowing that a gaurd was walking up the driveway and could hear every word . The guards presence made all the difference to the outcome. This is why it's so important to involve the guards, especially when it's female on male abuse.

splinter65 · 28-12-2018 12:34PM

The other danger here is of her flipping out on one of your kids, or someone else’s kid, or someone who could possibly give her a very bad beating in return. You need to speak to a Garda to get assistance before this gets totally tragic.

splinter65 · 28-12-2018 12:38PM

joeguevara wrote: »

When you don’t mind looking your kids in the eyes and answering the question why you sent my mammy/daddy to prison. I never said don’t do it. All I said was be sure before that call is made.

The judge and jury send someone to prison. You are totally wrong here and are digging yourself further into a hole.

nthclare · 28-12-2018 12:41PM

Sardonicat wrote: »

I know man who got out of an abusive relationship with his son. The only reason he was able to bring his son with him was because he had kept the guards informed of each and every assault. They were hugely sympathetic. The night he left her she started to kick off big time. Back town to the guards he went and they called out to the house while he was packing up. Gaurd overheard the witch screaming to him that she would lie and make false accusations to prevent him even seeing his child not knowing that a gaurd was walking up the driveway and could hear every word . The guards presence made all the difference to the outcome. This is why it's so important to involve the guards, especially when it's female on male abuse.

I've been there myself, I know what it's like.
It doesn't go away, but you learn to deal with it.

Gaslighting, manipulation and absolute narcissm can destroy any man or woman.

But we rise from the ashes, my exe tried to apologize to me, we hadn't spoken for year's.

She said she was worried about our son,and needed to talk about it.

It was only an excuse to use me for drama again, I blocked her from everything.
Instagram, I'm not on Facebook, I blocked her from every app, normal texting, wattsapp, Viber etc

It was a big lie, she's married now and her new husband is completely imasculated.
I actually get on well with him, he's a great step father and I appreciate he's good to my boy.
My son's 18 now, he's telling me his mum is constantly undermining his stepfather and fighting with him over things that doesn't happen.

Poor guy had a stroke there a few years ago, j wonder why, meanwhile she was badgering him about doing nothing, and he should get a job, poor guy lost nearly 60% of power on his right side....

These alcoholic, junkies are hard to live with,
The ripple effect is huge....

Do I walk?

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