Do I walk?

Hannibal_Smith

When a partner raises their hand to you, that's it. It's a complete game changer.

Did you say, you both filled in the form correctly with the Counsellor? So they read your wife had hit you and didn't mention it? That's not right.

Then you have the words from your wife:-

she's made all sorts of excuses about it before. The first time, she insisted I said something which I didn't. The second time, she couldn't remember what happened but said I must have provoked her. While she does feel terrible about it, she also doesn't think it's that serious because she hasn't actually physically hurt me.

So you have your counsellor making you wonder whether it's trivial because they don't mention it and then her manipulating you to say it's not that big a deal.

It's not trivial and it is a big deal. No one should be hitting you, no matter what and it's not right to feel like you have to brush it under the carpet.

Regarding the kids, if you think about it, what if they see her slap you? No kid should see something like that. It's up to your wife to fix this. It's not your fault.

Have a look at the Amen website and talk to someone about how you approach it with your wife. It can't continue.

LegacyUser

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

You won't be the one leaving, your abusive alcoholic wife will be the one leaving. No one is going to give her custody of your children.

How true is this? or is this 'in an ideal world' kind of thinking?

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the advice.

I called Amen. Unfortunately, they're closed until 2nd January. I know everyone needs holidays but seemed a bit unusual as I'd bet there would be an increase in the need for their services at this time due to the amount of drinking that goes on.

Going to the Guards seems a bit extreme at this stage but I'll talk to Amen on 2nd January, see what my options are and go from there.

Thanks again.

dudara

nthclare wrote: »

... all the femminazis would be screaming...

@nthclare - less of this sh*te please. It only serves to inflame and does not add any value to the discussion.

dudara

Sardonicat

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Thanks again for the advice.

I called Amen. Unfortunately, they're closed until 2nd January. I know everyone needs holidays but seemed a bit unusual as I'd bet there would be an increase in the need for their services at this time due to the amount of drinking that goes on.

Going to the Guards seems a bit extreme at this stage but I'll talk to Amen on 2nd January, see what my options are and go from there.

Thanks again.

I'm glad you took the first step. I'd imagine that lack og funding is the reason for their closure over the season.

How extreme does it have to be for you to involve the guards? A hospital visit.? Look, you won't be going there asking them to come in and arrest her, you're going to have a chat to make them aware of what's going on and make a record of what's occurring. If things turn ugly in a her word against yours scenario the guards' involvement is invaluable to safeguard you and the kids. If things never come to that there's been no harm done by chatting to them.

dudara

@nthclare - you have been carded for failing to heed moderator instruction. Please read the forum charter to make yourself aware of the required standard before posting in PI/RI again

dudara

splinter65

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Thanks again for the advice.

I called Amen. Unfortunately, they're closed until 2nd January. I know everyone needs holidays but seemed a bit unusual as I'd bet there would be an increase in the need for their services at this time due to the amount of drinking that goes on.

Going to the Guards seems a bit extreme at this stage but I'll talk to Amen on 2nd January, see what my options are and go from there.

Thanks again.

Amen is mostly volunteers with just a few paid staff. You can’t ask volunteers to work over Christmas really. And then the paid staff can’t open the office without the volunteers. Your wife is a danger to herself and others including your children. Good luck on NYE.

Marriageintrouble

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Thanks again for the advice.

I called Amen. Unfortunately, they're closed until 2nd January. I know everyone needs holidays but seemed a bit unusual as I'd bet there would be an increase in the need for their services at this time due to the amount of drinking that goes on.

Going to the Guards seems a bit extreme at this stage but I'll talk to Amen on 2nd January, see what my options are and go from there.

Thanks again.

I don't think it's extreme to log physical abuse with the Gardai tbh. What if next time she's drunk she attacks one of the kids? She mightn't be able to hurt you physically so maybe she'll focus her abuse on someone she can hurt.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I don't think it's extreme to log physical abuse with the Gardai tbh. What if next time she's drunk she attacks one of the kids? She mightn't be able to hurt you physically so maybe she'll focus her abuse on someone she can hurt.

Afaik you can't just log it.. If you go and report domestic abuse then they have to come to the house, the problem being what would happen after they leave.. The OP is in a lucky position (so to speak) of having witnesses as usually it's done in private,that's a huge bonus as generally it is totally denied by the abuser.

shesty

OP-are you ok with being hit in front of your friends and/or your kids?

Personally I think it's beyond shocking and as to whether you involve the Gardai or not, that's up to you, but you certainly need to do something.Three times now?Really?

I don't know how old your kids are but firstly I would have a serious issues with her being smashed in front of them (yes I am boring old-school but if your kids are small, it is very stressful for them to see parents out of control on alcohol, even if they are used to it.I know many Irish people don't see a problem with this however and that is not the argument here.).But hitting you?In front of your kids?No.Abslutely not.No more than it would be ok for you to hit her.And I don't see drink as an excuse either.Think of what messages she has just given your kids.

Definitely act, I think you have taken the right step.

Akrasia

Before going to the guards I I think you should sit down with her and have a very frank discussion with her in no uncertain terms about her behaviour and that it is very close to costing her access to her family.

It seems to be mostly alcohol related so if she can sort that out she can still save her marriage. She might claim that she doesn't have a problem but if she's forced to choose between quitting alcohol and saving her marriage then it should be an absolute no brainer and if she finds it difficult, then she will need the support of her family to get her through it.

If she chooses alcohol over her own husband and kids then at least you tried

Pawwed Rig

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

No one is going to give her custody of your children. She is an addict with violent impulses.

That is not true. There are plenty of children in much more abusive situations than the OPs kids that Tulsa are aware of but have left with families. I see on a daily basis women swearing at their kids or bringing them to drug deals that manage to keep their kids. In most cases in Ireland the woman gets custody regardless of anything else. That is why the OP needs to tread very carefully here

lulu1

You don't want to have the kids come from a broken home

You don't want to have to live in a small flat.

This is about more than just you op Can you imagine how it feels for your kids to see this carry on. Talk to your wife when you both are sober and decide on what you both want to do.

It's the kids I feel for in this situation

Pawwed Rig

lulu1 wrote: »

It's the kids I feel for in this situation

and not the person being abused??? What a strange statement

lulu1

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

and not the person being abused??? What a strange statement

No woman or man should raise their hand to each other but it has happened in this situation. Op is an adult and has a choice to stay in the relationship or go but not without the children. My heart goes out to the children who have they to turn to when they see Mammy hitting daddy what is going through their little minds

LegacyUser

lulu1 wrote: »

No woman or man should raise their hand to each other but it has happened in this situation. Op is an adult and has a choice to stay in the relationship or go but not without the children. My heart goes out to the children who have they to turn to when they see Mammy hitting daddy what is going through their little minds

Can I be clear? My son heard a lot of really ugly language (f word, c word) thrown at me the other night and saw his mother go for me but she was too hammered to be able to land a slap. None of my kids have ever seen her actually hit me as they weren't around at the times where she actually struck me.

The other point is that I don't have the choice to take my children nor do I have the option of throwing her out. We live in a country where if you're a man, you stand a very strong chance of coming out of these situations with access a couple of days a week at best and a big maintenance bill.

Finally, by way of an update, I told her today that she needs to stop drinking or our marriage is over. After fighting back with "you do stupid things when you're drunk too", she's currently in front of the TV on her own having been drinking for the last 3-4 hours. Fortunately, she's nowhere near the level of drunk where the aggression starts.

Big Bag of Chips

OK, so what now?
You told her if she didn't stop drinking the marriage was over and she answered that by drinking.

How old are your children?

Sittingpretty

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Finally, by way of an update, I told her today that she needs to stop drinking or our marriage is over. After fighting back with "you do stupid things when you're drunk too", she's currently in front of the TV on her own having been drinking for the last 3-4 hours. Fortunately, she's nowhere near the level of drunk where the aggression starts.

My God. What a massive F you.

I’m glad you’ve spoken with amen and so sorry you’ve to wait till Jan to get someone’s help there

mirrorwall14

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Can I be clear? My son heard a lot of really ugly language (f word, c word) thrown at me the other night and saw his mother go for me but she was too hammered to be able to land a slap. None of my kids have ever seen her actually hit me as they weren't around at the times where she actually struck me.

The other point is that I don't have the choice to take my children nor do I have the option of throwing her out. We live in a country where if you're a man, you stand a very strong chance of coming out of these situations with access a couple of days a week at best and a big maintenance bill.

Finally, by way of an update, I told her today that she needs to stop drinking or our marriage is over. After fighting back with "you do stupid things when you're drunk too", she's currently in front of the TV on her own having been drinking for the last 3-4 hours. Fortunately, she's nowhere near the level of drunk where the aggression starts.

You gave the ultimatum. She is drinking. You have to follow through.


Honestly I would be down to the garda station today to log the latest incident and then its solicitor as soon as offices lpen

Big Bag of Chips

If you do leave because you can no longer take your wife's behaviour, then you HAVE TO at least try to take your children with you (or get her to leave so your children can stay in their own home) All too often you hear the same lines trotted out "Fathers have no rights, the courts hate fathers" but it's simply not true. Yes, it might be more difficult for fathers to gain full custody, but in situations where the children are at risk from one parent, the other parent has to do what they can. I know a number of fathers who have full custody. (Within my own family there are 2 fathers with full custody of their children. 1 alcoholic mother, 1 mother who just walked out). I know a number of mothers who only have supervised access every couple of weeks. I know children who are in foster care because the father has disappeared and the mother is incapable of looking after them.

She might not ever hit them, or she might. But she is verbally abusive and you admit she is verbally abusive to them. You need to report the incidents like others have said. You should contact Tusla. Do it anonymously if you need to, and ask what would be the steps to take if reporting abuse and what would you expect to happen afterwards.

You titled your thread "Do I walk?". The answer should be yes. But if you're going to walk leaving your children there, then the answer is no. You cannot just think alone in this situation, anything you do has to be done with your children your first priority.

Hannibal_Smith

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Finally, by way of an update, I told her today that she needs to stop drinking or our marriage is over. After fighting back with "you do stupid things when you're drunk too", she's currently in front of the TV on her own having been drinking for the last 3-4 hours. Fortunately, she's nowhere near the level of drunk where the aggression starts.

She's deflecting everything back on you. It's your fault she hit you because you wound her up. So what if she hit you, you did stupid things too. She's completely oblivious to how wrong she is. Her kids may have seen her now but with her ability to deflect every ounce of responsibility off her it's only a matter of time before they see something. Your son already saw the verbal attack.

Just to say what the kids do or don't see is not your fault. Every decision circling your brain is with their best interests in mind, probably to the detriment of your own best interests.

If you don't want to leave, can you try talking to her again. But keep to the beat bones of it. Hitting you is not acceptable. If she doesn't accept that is wrong can you suggest counselling again? And be totally honest this time, otherwise it won't work.

Actually, just thinking, she said she'd come off bad if the Counsellor read she'd hit you. So clearly she knows it's wrong.

washiskin

My parents had an abusive marriage for all my childhood and much of my teens. It would start with her insulting, humiliating and mocking him over a few days to the point where he would explode and hit her. We would naturally try to defend her, getting between them, absolutely terrified, crying hysterically.He would get into the car and leave, she would spend hours crying and wailing, blaming us for his behaviour. I was the oldest at 4, the youngest was a toddler. It got to the point where we could tell when it was about to kick off.

My point is that was over 40 years ago and I can remember incidents like they happened yesterday. I often wonder how it would have been if they had seperated, would I have gone through life not feeling guilty that they stayed together for our sake.
You have to put your kids first here, you have no idea what's going through their heads seeing their mother verbally and physically abusing you.

Neyite

I agree with others, abuse is abuse and irrelevant who perpetrates it. However, some posters are right to advise caution as abusive people often start throwing their own accusations around if they feel you are pulling away from them, and this could make things much worse for you and the children. The courts can be skewed towards the mother so this is another potential issue you are right to factor in.

Yes you do need to walk with your children, BUT you need to plan carefully. That's what AMEN and the Gardai can help you with. Maybe start with AMEN. Gardai might be obliged to notify social services if domestic abuse is reported to them in a home where there are children. Now, they might be a great support to you and instrumental in helping you to protect the children but I've no experience in that area so you would be best to speak to AMEN because they know the front lines better than anyone. You can't continue to live like this. Neither can your children - childhoods don't get a do-over. But get proper advice first - AMEN, Gardai, Solicitor, Social Services - and most importantly, say nothing to your wife until you have a solid plan in place.

For now, just to get you through the Christmas season with her drinking, can you and the kids go visiting (a lot) for sleepovers with relatives or good friends? Or is there someone you trust that could put you up in an emergency if you and the children needed to leave the house due to her kicking off?

Good luck over the next few days, and I really hope that 2019 brings safety to you and your kids.

TheBoyConor

mr_cochise wrote: »

Would you say the same if it was him assaulting her?

Honestly I agree when him to some extent. Despite the pc outlook on it If it is a woman striking a man i believe it is less serious. Much less. At the end of the day the average 6' man is extremely unlikely to come to physical harm from a few slaps from a drunken petite lady.
The same is not true if the roles are reversed as a man could do serious injury or even kill a woman with just one punch.

It's one of those instances where men and women are not equal and the same roles don't apply no matter how much pcology is applied.

FishOnABike

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I don't think it's extreme to log physical abuse with the Gardai tbh. What if next time she's drunk she attacks one of the kids? She mightn't be able to hurt you physically so maybe she'll focus her abuse on someone she can hurt.

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Afaik you can't just log it.. If you go and report domestic abuse then they have to come to the house, the problem being what would happen after they leave.. The OP is in a lucky position (so to speak) of having witnesses as usually it's done in private,that's a huge bonus as generally it is totally denied by the abuser.

Been there, done that with abusive ex-wife. From my experience there's no 'just log it'.

Once a report is made procedure has to be followed and the complaint has to be processed / decisions made on whether to follow up on the complaint, look for a statement from the other person and ultimately prosecute.

Once a complaint is made it is up to the gardaí how it proceeds. The complainant is then a witness in the process.

It is difficult to make a complaint against a partner. AMEN would be the main male domestic violence victim support group but there may be another support organisation who may be open before the 2nd to get support + advice.

Not sure if they're staffed over the holiday but

http://www.osscork.ie/ , phone 1800 497 497, is listed under women's support groups on the COSC website but supports both women and men.

http://familes.ie/ , confidential phone support 0872603603 also support both men and women.

TheBoyConor

joeguevara wrote: »

When you don’t mind looking your kids in the eyes and answering the question why you sent my mammy/daddy to prison. I never said don’t do it. All I said was be sure before that call is made.

Come off of it. A mother of young children will never be sent to prison for violence against her partner unless it was at an extreme level or she also seriously injured the children .

Sardonicat

TheBoyConor wrote: »

mr_cochise wrote: »

Would you say the same if it was him assaulting her?

Honestly I agree when him to some extent. Despite the pc outlook on it If it is a woman striking a man i believe it is less serious. Much less. At the end of the day the average 6' man is extremely unlikely to come to physical harm from a few slaps from a drunken petite lady.
The same is not true if the roles are reversed as a man could do serious injury or even kill a woman with just one punch.

It's one of those instances where men and women are not equal and the same roles don't apply no matter how much pcology is applied.

You don't think the psychological aspect is just as harmful to a man? Not to mention things like having hot drinks thrown at your head or being attacked with a knife, both of which can cause serious injury or worse. OP's.wife is hitting him now, but these things usually escalate.
.

sexmag

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Honestly I agree when him to some extent. Despite the pc outlook on it If it is a woman striking a man i believe it is less serious. Much less. At the end of the day the average 6' man is extremely unlikely to come to physical harm from a few slaps from a drunken petite lady.
The same is not true if the roles are reversed as a man could do serious injury or even kill a woman with just one punch.

It's one of those instances where men and women are not equal and the same roles don't apply no matter how much pcology is applied.

Yeah sorry gonna have to call bull on that one there.

The fact that there may not be physical damage done to the man does not make it less serious,there physical and emotional abuse involved in a spouse attacking the the other.

If this goes to court for assault the charge is still the same regardless of gender

Paddy Cow

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Can I be clear? My son heard a lot of really ugly language (f word, c word) thrown at me the other night and saw his mother go for me but she was too hammered to be able to land a slap. None of my kids have ever seen her actually hit me as they weren't around at the times where she actually struck me.

The other point is that I don't have the choice to take my children nor do I have the option of throwing her out. We live in a country where if you're a man, you stand a very strong chance of coming out of these situations with access a couple of days a week at best and a big maintenance bill.

Finally, by way of an update, I told her today that she needs to stop drinking or our marriage is over. After fighting back with "you do stupid things when you're drunk too", she's currently in front of the TV on her own having been drinking for the last 3-4 hours. Fortunately, she's nowhere near the level of drunk where the aggression starts.

You have witnesses for your wife assaulting you. You could go to the Guards and make a report. If you don't want to do that, then you are being foolish and shortsighted. Your wife has a drinking problem that she won't address. She's physically abusive to you and verbally abusive to the kids. She won't change and is probably waiting for you to leave. Don't walk. If you walk you probably will lose everything because you will be seen to be the one abandoning the family. Nearly every person on this thread has told you to go to the Guards. If you don't, you either have two options - stay with an abusive alcoholic or leave and pay for that abusive alcoholic to stay in house with your kids.

Your wife is a liar and manipulator. She's already lied to the counsellor about hitting you and you lied for her. That's why the counsellor didn't ask about abuse. As far as she's concerned, there isn't any. What's to stop your wife from lying if you leave? If you think she wouldn't call the Guards or make up a load of rubbish about you, you're wrong. That's where most women get everything - they lie, lie, lie once the man leaves. You have witnesses that she is the abusive one. She has shown you today that she values drink over your marriage. Your loyalty now is to your kids, not her. If protecting you and them means reporting her, then so be it.

Jurgen Klopp

Get out your phone and turn in the voice recorder and bring up her hitting you and abusing you to cover yourself

And no, it's not illegal to record once teh person doing the recording is a party in teh conversation

It will cover you in case she tries to tell lies