Do I walk?

LegacyUser

Right, gone unregistered for this. My wife has now gone for me or slapped me 3 times in the last year or so. It hadn't happened before that and each time she's been absolutely hammered.

The first time she did it, she slapped me across the face multiple times. There was a trigger but it was a complete misunderstanding of something I'd said. The second time, it was after a night out in front of a friend of mine. We'd had a slight disagreement over something trivial and she lost it. My mate was stunned. He just said "My God, you didn't do anything to deserve that". The third time was the other night in front of my kids, the neighbours and the neighbours kids. There was no trigger, she was just smashed and started swearing badly in front of the kids, telling me she didn't want to live with me and then tried to attack me. While we'd all taken a bit of drink, she was too drunk to be able to even slap me.

She wouldn't normally be that sort of person although she is quite verbally aggressive most of the time. I'm not sure what to make of it because, and I know this isn't politically correct, I think this sort of thing is worse if it's the other way around because I can physically overpower her if I need to. But it's not even the physical damage, because there is none, it's the emotional damage.

On the flip side, I don't want my kids to have a broken home and I don't want to end up living in a small flat with no money seeing my kids once a week which is what tends to happen in this country.

And I will also admit, I'm not a perfect husband or anything. I'm far from the worst but I'm not the best either and our relationship has been struggling for a while because of faults on both sides. But, to me, this is on another level. What should I do?

argentum

First of all she needs to stop drinking because she has a drink problem.
You need to go to counselling together to sort out the other issue of her trying to beat you up.
You should also speak to the Gardai to make a complaint about her in case you need a separation agreement / divorce.
Think of the advice you'd give a woman if her husband was hitting her....its no different and its abuse

Car99

Speak to her when shes sober at a time and place where you have time and some privacy to discuss such a matter. Aske her firstly if she remembers the abuse and what she said. Tel her what happened if she can't remember. Then you guys can make a plan be that as a couple or separated but imo continuing as you are things will only get worse without some communication to sort out your relationship.

Sardonicat

It's abusive to you and it's abusive to your kids seeing their mother in that state attacking their father.

She needs to stop drinking and get individual help with her drinking and violent behaviour and you would probably benefit from couples counselling too.

I would second the advice of making a report of her assaults on you to the guards. If she refuses to address her behaviour you need to get you kids away from her, not just you. Drunken domestic violence is something Tusla could take action over. Your kids need to come first here. That might be an angle you could take when trying to convince her to get help.

Payton

I've been there and believe me it doesn't get better.
Go to your garda station later and make a complaint and ask for the pulse number, in my experience the garda were fantastic. If she's is violent with you again and marks you (broken skin or bruising) go to A+E and it will be recorded. You will need all these as evidence if you need to seek protection from the courts through a protection or barring order.
If you have somewhere to go please go and take the children for a few days to get yourself sorted.
From experience it won't change, there will be promises and broken promises. She needs to accept she has a problem and until she wants to get help it will continue.
It can be very degrading and humiliating and your head must be all over the place but you did nothing wrong. Keep yourself well fed, well washed and feed, presentable and look after yourself.
It's not about your wife anymore its about you and your children and where you want her in your lives.
A couple of useful groups i found to be brillant.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/
http://www.amen.ie

joeguevara

Stop admitting things about not being the perfect husband. That is excusing violence. Stop worrying about your kids being from a broken home. Them seeing your wife hitting you in front of them is much more damaging than parents being separated. Finally stop doing nothing. Make a proactive decision and try and fix the issue or walk. This is three times. This is not something that happened out of the blue. It will get worse and worse and more than likely end up in you hitting her back.

Get help. Get counseling. Get something. No one in this world has done anything that bad that causes their partner to strike them. Done feel less of a man for getting help. But above all don’t allow this to continue. It doesn’t mean the end but it should mean the end of this part of your life. Feel for you.

Kidchameleon

Go to the guards and report it. She needs councelling or it will only get worse. I would worry about leaving the children alone with her.

joeguevara

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Go to the guards and report it. She needs councelling or it will only get worse. I would worry about leaving the children alone with her.

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

Mokuba

joeguevara wrote: »

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

If he were the wife and the husband were behaving in this way, then this would be the advice given and thanked to high heaven on here.

If it was a once off then I could get over it if genuine remorse was shown. 3 times and you are a vile thug. Man or woman.

mr_cochise

joeguevara wrote:

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

Would you say the same if it was him assaulting her?

joeguevara

mr_cochise wrote: »

Would you say the same if it was him assaulting her?

Yes I would and have done. I am in no way condoning domestic violence and think the Gards should be involved as a last resort but when they are there is no going back from that process. In my experience, which is very raw at the moment, the person regretted it. I did say it was my opinion and others would disagree but in family situations it is not always the best way forward.

Sardonicat

^^^^^
When do you know you've reached 'last resort '?
When someone needs stitches?
When someone has broken bones?
When someone needs surgery and 4 units of blood because the offending party had a kitchen knife in their hand when they exploded?
How many times do you have to ask, plead, beg your partner to stop assaulting you before you reach the last resort?
How many times do thechildren need to be exposed to the terror of seeing one parent hurt another? Til it becomes normal?

joeguevara

Sardonicat wrote: »

^^^^^
When do you know you've reached 'last resort '?
When someone needs stitches?
When someone has broken bones?
When someone needs surgery and 4 units of blood because the offending party had a kitchen knife in their hand when they exploded?
How many times do you have to ask, plead, beg your partner to stop assaulting you before you reach the last resort?
How many times do thechildren need to be exposed to the terror of seeing one parent hurt another? Til it becomes normal?

When you don’t mind looking your kids in the eyes and answering the question why you sent my mammy/daddy to prison. I never said don’t do it. All I said was be sure before that call is made.

Pawwed Rig

Mokuba wrote: »

If he were the wife and the husband were behaving in this way, then this would be the advice given and thanked to high heaven on here.

If it was a once off then I could get over it if genuine remorse was shown. 3 times and you are a vile thug. Man or woman.

if it was the woman being assaulted then we would be recommending barring orders/leaving etc and all things being equal would say the same here. Unfortunately in family cases the woman usually gets the kids in the event of break ups and then the man gets access on her forbearance. If the OP ends the relationship he may well lose access to his kids (legally or otherwise) and end up losing his home.

OP contact Amen. They have experience of these issues. Any advice on here may make matters worse.

Sardonicat

joeguevara wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

^^^^^
When do you know you've reached 'last resort '?
When someone needs stitches?
When someone has broken bones?
When someone needs surgery and 4 units of blood because the offending party had a kitchen knife in their hand when they exploded?
How many times do you have to ask, plead, beg your partner to stop assaulting you before you reach the last resort?
How many times do thechildren need to be exposed to the terror of seeing one parent hurt another? Til it becomes normal?

When you don’t mind looking your kids in the eyes and answering the question why you sent my mammy/daddy to prison. I never said don’t do it. All I said was be sure before that call is made.

If ( and it's a big if) an abusive spouse goes to prison it's their own behaviour that has sent them there. The reason many of us are urging the op to contact the guards is to have a record of his wife's violent behaviour so it will be easier for him to protect his children and himself from her if she fails to address her issues, not to send her to prison.

You're victim blaming.

Big Bag of Chips

Why are you considering leaving? And leaving your children in the care of an alcoholic abusive woman? If you think it is not yet at the point where you need to leave, it is certainly at the point where you need to sit her down, at a time she's sober and reasonable, and talk to her about her behaviour and how it is beginning to escalate.

She cannot handle her drink, and she cannot control herself with drink. The fact that she will attack you in front of friends and neighbours is worrying. A lot of abusive partners tend to do it behind closed doors where nobody can see. Alcoholism and indeed domestic violence is progressive, it starts off small and builds. This is not going to get better by itself, and it's not going to stop. It will continue, and worsen.

If you want to give her a chance then you need to try get her to talk about her behaviour and agree to a plan to change. If she won't then you need to start taking steps to protect yourself and your children from her. That means getting outside help. If you allow this continue or if you leave and leave your children to deal with her then they won't thank you in the long run. Yes, it can be upsetting for children to have their parents separate, but it can be far more damaging to have their parents stay together 'for the kids' whilst exposing the kids to damaging and abusive behaviour.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies.

We have been to counselling for other issues in our marriage. To be honest, and this is partly my own fault, this never came up during the sessions. We were asked to fill out a form where one of the questions was "Have either of you ever hit the other?" My wife was horrified and said "Well now I'm going to look bad if I fill this out." To be fair, we both answered it honestly and I thought if it's serious enough, it will come up but it was never mentioned and my wife was terrified of it ever coming up. In my head, I just thought that maybe I was overplaying the importance of it if the counselor never brought it up.

She's made all sorts of excuses about it before. The first time, she insisted I said something which I didn't. The second time, she couldn't remember what happened but said I must have provoked her. While she does feel terrible about it, she also doesn't think it's that serious because she hasn't actually physically hurt me.

She refuses to accept she has a drink problem (this stuff isn't the only sign of it, there are other things). She just says "Well x drinks as much as me. I like a drink, sometimes it goes too far."

She has begged and pleaded and said she will go and get help. Maybe that's the next step but I'm starting to feel like this really isn't for me any more. The kids are the only reason I'm staying and while I realise that sounds a bit weak, the thought of ripping their world apart of having restricted access to them tears me apart.

She is a great mother normally and I don't believe she would ever physically harm the kids even if she goes too far verbally with them at times. I know how that reads but I really don't believe she would lay a hand on them.

LegacyUser

OP, it was said in another thread which a woman had started about her abusive partner that couples therapy is an absolute no for people in abusive relationships. Yet here I'm reading about how you should go to couples therapy!! Jesus, the double standard is so bloody annoying.

You are in an abusive relationship. It matters not one whit why she is hitting you - the bottom line is that she is, she is abusing you. Look at what she is capable of doing in front of others and your children? Behaviour like that escalates. We've seen it enough in the news where the man is the abuser and kills the partner.

You have witnesses, go to the Guards. Speak to a solicitor, and you and your kids get out of that house. The fact that you have witnesses will go far for you in terms of custody.

She needs to sort her problems out but you can't help her. You need to prioritise yours and your children's safety. Also, please speak to AMEN, they'll be able to give you advice.

You are in an abusive relationship, please protect yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

She doesn't have to ever lay a hand on them for it to cause damage. Were you ever around a very drunk person as a child? A person who you looked up to and trusted? It's terrifying. I remember a neighbour if ours having one too many occasionally. This woman was in our house every day. Was a very good family friend of neighbour. Which was always why when she had one too many (which was rare, by the way) that her husband would drive her to our house to look for help to get her out of the car and into her bed.

I remember only twice in my life that it happened, but I was so afraid. I didn't know what was happening, what was wrong with her. Why she couldn't stand, why she was incoherent and giving out to everyone.... And that was only a neighbour, not my mother, and that scene has stuck with me for over 30 years.

Just because you think she wouldn't hit your children doesn't mean it's alright.

You need to get her to address this. And not talk about maybe addressing it at some future point. She addresses it now. She makes phone calls and sees what she can do. You might also benefit from Al-Anon. You are enabling her behaviour and minimising it. All partners of alcoholics do it. It's why going to talk to other people living with alcoholics will open your eyes to what you are actually doing.

Changes need to happen. No point waiting until the situation has become unbearable. Although, it's already becoming unbearable for you, yet you think your children will do fine there?

joeguevara

Sardonicat wrote: »

If ( and it's a big if) an abusive spouse goes to prison it's their own behaviour that has sent them there. The reason many of us are urging the op to contact the guards is to have a record of his wife's violent behaviour so it will be easier for him to protect his children and himself from her if she fails to address her issues, not to send her to prison.

You're victim blaming.

I am not victim blaming. Nothing I detest more. I am just seeing it with two friends at the moment and I have been told it’s the worst thing that one did. I’m just saying what I see at the moment. Not saying it’s right or wrong.

Pawwed Rig

Please contact AMEN at 046 9023718 before you lose everything. You will not be believed if you goto the family courts. You are now making excuses for and enabling her behaviour.

Fairly poor counsellor who doesn't address a domestic violence issue by the way. If you had hit her it would have been the primary focus of the sessions.

nthclare

joeguevara wrote: »

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

If the shoe was on the other foot,I'm sure your opinion would differ.

When I see replies like this, it makes me shiver.

If a man was beating his wife all the femminazis would be screaming from their ivory towers to bar him from the house, never let him see his kids again, make sure he's homeless, a broken man, take all his earnings, that'll teach him...

It works both ways, if you want equality suck it up.

I'd throw her out if she assaulted me, there's no easy or soft way, kick her out of the family home.

She's a dangerous piece of work.....

joeguevara

nthclare wrote: »

If the shoe was on the other foot,I'm sure your opinion would differ.

When I see replies like this, it makes me shiver.

If a man was beating his wife all the femminazis would be screaming from their ivory towers to bar him from the house, never let him see his kids again, make sure he's homeless, a broken man, take all his earnings, that'll teach him...

It works both ways, if you want equality suck it up.

I'd throw her out if she assaulted me, there's no easy or soft way, kick her out of the family home.

She's a dangerous piece of work.....

Actually what I’m seeing now with my mates the shoe is on the other foot. Look back at my posts. I never said anything but sort it out. I would agree about kicking out of the family home but as another poster outlined this may cause issues that could backfire. My only advice was to think before involving the Gardai as it starts a process that may be regretted later. Domestic violence is an issue very close to me and something I abhor whether it’s perpetrated by man or woman. The OP needs help. He needs to be safe as do the kids. His partner cannot get away with what she has done and they all need help.

Kidchameleon

joeguevara wrote: »

Do you honestly think an appropriate action is to call the Gardai? At the end of the day no matter what she has done she is the mother of his kids. I think in these type of situations it is better to deal with it internally. If Gardai are involved it will go down a road that helps no one. Now, that is my opinion. Others may differ.

If the marraige ends, he will not be beleived. She could turn the whole situation around and he would lose everything with the kids being left with a violent thug of a woman. I have seen this happen, Ireland as a state hates fathers. I advise going to the guards for the record, not to have her locked up.

nthclare

joeguevara wrote: »

Actually what I’m seeing now with my mates the shoe is on the other foot. Look back at my posts. I never said anything but sort it out. I would agree about kicking out of the family home but as another poster outlined this may cause issues that could backfire. My only advice was to think before involving the Gardai as it starts a process that may be regretted later. Domestic violence is an issue very close to me and something I abhor whether it’s perpetrated by man or woman. The OP needs help. He needs to be safe as do the kids. His partner cannot get away with what she has done and they all need help.

But in all fairness the guard's should be involved if she's assaulted him, or is a danger to the family unit.

I think you have empathy for a woman who's violent and abusive towards her partner.


Why regret a process if you're being undermined, assaulted and in danger ?

She could make up the fact that he's assaulting her, and the bitch would get away with it.

I've heard of women who sit down in AA meetings and admit they accused their execs off all sorts of different things which never happened, it was all made up....
They wish they could turn back the clock and never have ruined their exe partners Life with lies, Falce aligations and manipulative behaviour.
It's too late as the damage has been done, he will never trust her ever ever​ again.
Because he lost everything, more than likely he thought he was loosing his mind or memory, a woman or man on drugs will do anything, I mean anything for attention or a fix...

Go any Alanon or Naranon open meeting in the country, if You hear the abuse men and women have to recover from living with alcoholics or drug addiction, it's horrific absolutely horrific.

Sittingpretty

I second the advice to contact amen.ie

They will have experience of this and will be able to give to advise as to the best course of action.

I know for a fact if I ever hit my husband while roaring drunk or otherwise it would be game over for me. You’ve allowed her to do this once, then twice and now a third time. It is NOT ok. The fact that should you need to you could over power her is irrelevant. She’s a drunk and she’s becoming a violent drunk. Your children must have been terrified.

Don’t ever give her the opportunity to do it again. Contact amen and when she’s sober tell her she either addresses her drinking and attends counselling (on her own) for her anger issues or she will be leaving the family home ALONE owing to her own abusiveness.

She does NOT get an easy pass on this owing to her gender.

Teyla Emmagan

Marriageintrouble wrote:

On the flip side, I don't want my kids to have a broken home and I don't want to end up living in a small flat with no money seeing my kids once a week which is what tends to happen in this country.

You won't be the one leaving, your abusive alcoholic wife will be the one leaving. No one is going to give her custody of your children. She is an addict with violent impulses. And she is taking no responsibility whatsoever for her actions. You need to talk to Amen, and to get a solicitor. Your wife may never change her behaviour, in fact it is escalating. Protect yourself and your kids.

Sardonicat

nthclare wrote: »

joeguevara wrote: »

Actually what I’m seeing now with my mates the shoe is on the other foot. Look back at my posts. I never said anything but sort it out. I would agree about kicking out of the family home but as another poster outlined this may cause issues that could backfire. My only advice was to think before involving the Gardai as it starts a process that may be regretted later. Domestic violence is an issue very close to me and something I abhor whether it’s perpetrated by man or woman. The OP needs help. He needs to be safe as do the kids. His partner cannot get away with what she has done and they all need help.

But in all fairness the guard's should be involved if she's assaulted him, or is a danger to the family unit.

I think you have empathy for a woman who's violent and abusive towards her partner.


Why regret a process if you're being undermined, assaulted and in danger ?

She could make up the fact that he's assaulting her, and the bitch would get away with it.

I've heard of women who sit down in AA meetings and admit they accused their execs off all sorts of different things which never happened, it was all made up....
They wish they could turn back the clock and never have ruined their exe partners Life with lies, Falce aligations and manipulative behaviour.
It's too late as the damage has been done, he will never trust her ever ever​ again.
Because he lost everything, more than likely he thought he was loosing his mind or memory, a woman or man on drugs will do anything, I mean anything for attention or a fix...

Go any Alanon or Naranon open meeting in the country, if You hear the abuse men and women have to recover from living with alcoholics or drug addiction, it's horrific absolutely horrific.

I know man who got out of an abusive relationship with his son. The only reason he was able to bring his son with him was because he had kept the guards informed of each and every assault. They were hugely sympathetic. The night he left her she started to kick off big time. Back town to the guards he went and they called out to the house while he was packing up. Gaurd overheard the witch screaming to him that she would lie and make false accusations to prevent him even seeing his child not knowing that a gaurd was walking up the driveway and could hear every word . The guards presence made all the difference to the outcome. This is why it's so important to involve the guards, especially when it's female on male abuse.

splinter65

The other danger here is of her flipping out on one of your kids, or someone else’s kid, or someone who could possibly give her a very bad beating in return. You need to speak to a Garda to get assistance before this gets totally tragic.

splinter65

joeguevara wrote: »

When you don’t mind looking your kids in the eyes and answering the question why you sent my mammy/daddy to prison. I never said don’t do it. All I said was be sure before that call is made.

The judge and jury send someone to prison. You are totally wrong here and are digging yourself further into a hole.

nthclare

Sardonicat wrote: »

I know man who got out of an abusive relationship with his son. The only reason he was able to bring his son with him was because he had kept the guards informed of each and every assault. They were hugely sympathetic. The night he left her she started to kick off big time. Back town to the guards he went and they called out to the house while he was packing up. Gaurd overheard the witch screaming to him that she would lie and make false accusations to prevent him even seeing his child not knowing that a gaurd was walking up the driveway and could hear every word . The guards presence made all the difference to the outcome. This is why it's so important to involve the guards, especially when it's female on male abuse.

I've been there myself, I know what it's like.
It doesn't go away, but you learn to deal with it.

Gaslighting, manipulation and absolute narcissm can destroy any man or woman.

But we rise from the ashes, my exe tried to apologize to me, we hadn't spoken for year's.

She said she was worried about our son,and needed to talk about it.

It was only an excuse to use me for drama again, I blocked her from everything.
Instagram, I'm not on Facebook, I blocked her from every app, normal texting, wattsapp, Viber etc

It was a big lie, she's married now and her new husband is completely imasculated.
I actually get on well with him, he's a great step father and I appreciate he's good to my boy.
My son's 18 now, he's telling me his mum is constantly undermining his stepfather and fighting with him over things that doesn't happen.

Poor guy had a stroke there a few years ago, j wonder why, meanwhile she was badgering him about doing nothing, and he should get a job, poor guy lost nearly 60% of power on his right side....

These alcoholic, junkies are hard to live with,
The ripple effect is huge....

Hannibal_Smith

When a partner raises their hand to you, that's it. It's a complete game changer.

Did you say, you both filled in the form correctly with the Counsellor? So they read your wife had hit you and didn't mention it? That's not right.

Then you have the words from your wife:-

she's made all sorts of excuses about it before. The first time, she insisted I said something which I didn't. The second time, she couldn't remember what happened but said I must have provoked her. While she does feel terrible about it, she also doesn't think it's that serious because she hasn't actually physically hurt me.

So you have your counsellor making you wonder whether it's trivial because they don't mention it and then her manipulating you to say it's not that big a deal.

It's not trivial and it is a big deal. No one should be hitting you, no matter what and it's not right to feel like you have to brush it under the carpet.

Regarding the kids, if you think about it, what if they see her slap you? No kid should see something like that. It's up to your wife to fix this. It's not your fault.

Have a look at the Amen website and talk to someone about how you approach it with your wife. It can't continue.

LegacyUser

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

You won't be the one leaving, your abusive alcoholic wife will be the one leaving. No one is going to give her custody of your children.

How true is this? or is this 'in an ideal world' kind of thinking?

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the advice.

I called Amen. Unfortunately, they're closed until 2nd January. I know everyone needs holidays but seemed a bit unusual as I'd bet there would be an increase in the need for their services at this time due to the amount of drinking that goes on.

Going to the Guards seems a bit extreme at this stage but I'll talk to Amen on 2nd January, see what my options are and go from there.

Thanks again.

dudara

nthclare wrote: »

... all the femminazis would be screaming...

@nthclare - less of this sh*te please. It only serves to inflame and does not add any value to the discussion.

dudara

Sardonicat

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Thanks again for the advice.

I called Amen. Unfortunately, they're closed until 2nd January. I know everyone needs holidays but seemed a bit unusual as I'd bet there would be an increase in the need for their services at this time due to the amount of drinking that goes on.

Going to the Guards seems a bit extreme at this stage but I'll talk to Amen on 2nd January, see what my options are and go from there.

Thanks again.

I'm glad you took the first step. I'd imagine that lack og funding is the reason for their closure over the season.

How extreme does it have to be for you to involve the guards? A hospital visit.? Look, you won't be going there asking them to come in and arrest her, you're going to have a chat to make them aware of what's going on and make a record of what's occurring. If things turn ugly in a her word against yours scenario the guards' involvement is invaluable to safeguard you and the kids. If things never come to that there's been no harm done by chatting to them.

dudara

@nthclare - you have been carded for failing to heed moderator instruction. Please read the forum charter to make yourself aware of the required standard before posting in PI/RI again

dudara

splinter65

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Thanks again for the advice.

I called Amen. Unfortunately, they're closed until 2nd January. I know everyone needs holidays but seemed a bit unusual as I'd bet there would be an increase in the need for their services at this time due to the amount of drinking that goes on.

Going to the Guards seems a bit extreme at this stage but I'll talk to Amen on 2nd January, see what my options are and go from there.

Thanks again.

Amen is mostly volunteers with just a few paid staff. You can’t ask volunteers to work over Christmas really. And then the paid staff can’t open the office without the volunteers. Your wife is a danger to herself and others including your children. Good luck on NYE.

Marriageintrouble

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Thanks again for the advice.

I called Amen. Unfortunately, they're closed until 2nd January. I know everyone needs holidays but seemed a bit unusual as I'd bet there would be an increase in the need for their services at this time due to the amount of drinking that goes on.

Going to the Guards seems a bit extreme at this stage but I'll talk to Amen on 2nd January, see what my options are and go from there.

Thanks again.

I don't think it's extreme to log physical abuse with the Gardai tbh. What if next time she's drunk she attacks one of the kids? She mightn't be able to hurt you physically so maybe she'll focus her abuse on someone she can hurt.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I don't think it's extreme to log physical abuse with the Gardai tbh. What if next time she's drunk she attacks one of the kids? She mightn't be able to hurt you physically so maybe she'll focus her abuse on someone she can hurt.

Afaik you can't just log it.. If you go and report domestic abuse then they have to come to the house, the problem being what would happen after they leave.. The OP is in a lucky position (so to speak) of having witnesses as usually it's done in private,that's a huge bonus as generally it is totally denied by the abuser.

shesty

OP-are you ok with being hit in front of your friends and/or your kids?

Personally I think it's beyond shocking and as to whether you involve the Gardai or not, that's up to you, but you certainly need to do something.Three times now?Really?

I don't know how old your kids are but firstly I would have a serious issues with her being smashed in front of them (yes I am boring old-school but if your kids are small, it is very stressful for them to see parents out of control on alcohol, even if they are used to it.I know many Irish people don't see a problem with this however and that is not the argument here.).But hitting you?In front of your kids?No.Abslutely not.No more than it would be ok for you to hit her.And I don't see drink as an excuse either.Think of what messages she has just given your kids.

Definitely act, I think you have taken the right step.

Akrasia

Before going to the guards I I think you should sit down with her and have a very frank discussion with her in no uncertain terms about her behaviour and that it is very close to costing her access to her family.

It seems to be mostly alcohol related so if she can sort that out she can still save her marriage. She might claim that she doesn't have a problem but if she's forced to choose between quitting alcohol and saving her marriage then it should be an absolute no brainer and if she finds it difficult, then she will need the support of her family to get her through it.

If she chooses alcohol over her own husband and kids then at least you tried

Pawwed Rig

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

No one is going to give her custody of your children. She is an addict with violent impulses.

That is not true. There are plenty of children in much more abusive situations than the OPs kids that Tulsa are aware of but have left with families. I see on a daily basis women swearing at their kids or bringing them to drug deals that manage to keep their kids. In most cases in Ireland the woman gets custody regardless of anything else. That is why the OP needs to tread very carefully here

lulu1

You don't want to have the kids come from a broken home

You don't want to have to live in a small flat.

This is about more than just you op Can you imagine how it feels for your kids to see this carry on. Talk to your wife when you both are sober and decide on what you both want to do.

It's the kids I feel for in this situation

Pawwed Rig

lulu1 wrote: »

It's the kids I feel for in this situation

and not the person being abused??? What a strange statement

lulu1

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

and not the person being abused??? What a strange statement

No woman or man should raise their hand to each other but it has happened in this situation. Op is an adult and has a choice to stay in the relationship or go but not without the children. My heart goes out to the children who have they to turn to when they see Mammy hitting daddy what is going through their little minds

LegacyUser

lulu1 wrote: »

No woman or man should raise their hand to each other but it has happened in this situation. Op is an adult and has a choice to stay in the relationship or go but not without the children. My heart goes out to the children who have they to turn to when they see Mammy hitting daddy what is going through their little minds

Can I be clear? My son heard a lot of really ugly language (f word, c word) thrown at me the other night and saw his mother go for me but she was too hammered to be able to land a slap. None of my kids have ever seen her actually hit me as they weren't around at the times where she actually struck me.

The other point is that I don't have the choice to take my children nor do I have the option of throwing her out. We live in a country where if you're a man, you stand a very strong chance of coming out of these situations with access a couple of days a week at best and a big maintenance bill.

Finally, by way of an update, I told her today that she needs to stop drinking or our marriage is over. After fighting back with "you do stupid things when you're drunk too", she's currently in front of the TV on her own having been drinking for the last 3-4 hours. Fortunately, she's nowhere near the level of drunk where the aggression starts.

Big Bag of Chips

OK, so what now?
You told her if she didn't stop drinking the marriage was over and she answered that by drinking.

How old are your children?

Sittingpretty

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Finally, by way of an update, I told her today that she needs to stop drinking or our marriage is over. After fighting back with "you do stupid things when you're drunk too", she's currently in front of the TV on her own having been drinking for the last 3-4 hours. Fortunately, she's nowhere near the level of drunk where the aggression starts.

My God. What a massive F you.

I’m glad you’ve spoken with amen and so sorry you’ve to wait till Jan to get someone’s help there

mirrorwall14

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Can I be clear? My son heard a lot of really ugly language (f word, c word) thrown at me the other night and saw his mother go for me but she was too hammered to be able to land a slap. None of my kids have ever seen her actually hit me as they weren't around at the times where she actually struck me.

The other point is that I don't have the choice to take my children nor do I have the option of throwing her out. We live in a country where if you're a man, you stand a very strong chance of coming out of these situations with access a couple of days a week at best and a big maintenance bill.

Finally, by way of an update, I told her today that she needs to stop drinking or our marriage is over. After fighting back with "you do stupid things when you're drunk too", she's currently in front of the TV on her own having been drinking for the last 3-4 hours. Fortunately, she's nowhere near the level of drunk where the aggression starts.

You gave the ultimatum. She is drinking. You have to follow through.


Honestly I would be down to the garda station today to log the latest incident and then its solicitor as soon as offices lpen

Big Bag of Chips

If you do leave because you can no longer take your wife's behaviour, then you HAVE TO at least try to take your children with you (or get her to leave so your children can stay in their own home) All too often you hear the same lines trotted out "Fathers have no rights, the courts hate fathers" but it's simply not true. Yes, it might be more difficult for fathers to gain full custody, but in situations where the children are at risk from one parent, the other parent has to do what they can. I know a number of fathers who have full custody. (Within my own family there are 2 fathers with full custody of their children. 1 alcoholic mother, 1 mother who just walked out). I know a number of mothers who only have supervised access every couple of weeks. I know children who are in foster care because the father has disappeared and the mother is incapable of looking after them.

She might not ever hit them, or she might. But she is verbally abusive and you admit she is verbally abusive to them. You need to report the incidents like others have said. You should contact Tusla. Do it anonymously if you need to, and ask what would be the steps to take if reporting abuse and what would you expect to happen afterwards.

You titled your thread "Do I walk?". The answer should be yes. But if you're going to walk leaving your children there, then the answer is no. You cannot just think alone in this situation, anything you do has to be done with your children your first priority.