Broody

LegacyUser · 15-11-2018 11:01PM #1

Hello all.
I am absolutely obsessed with having a baby, so much that it dominates my thoughts 24/7 and I genuinely feel like there's a huge part of my life missing. I'm 26, in college at the moment with 2 years left and have felt this way for years. I have a long-term parter. I know it's best to finish college but I have SUCH a desire that it actually upsets me.

This probably sounds weird.

seamus · 16-11-2018 11:57AM

Have you talked to your partner about it?

This is common enough, you don't need to suffer alone on it. While it's not possible to explain to your hormones that you have a plan, at the very least if you have a plan then it's easier to deal with the broodiness because you know it's going to get dealt with eventually.

You're young, you have time. Make a plan, i.e. "I will be finished college in summer of 2020. I will go off and take a long trip and enjoy that summer. I'll come back and get a job, and after two years we will start trying for a baby. At that point I will be 30".*

Tell your partner about this plan, so you don't feel like you're fighting for it alone. That should then hopefully give you the strength to deal with your broodiness long-term.

*This is an example, obviously. If you think that you want to have a baby as soon as you leave college, then make that your plan.

Springfields · 20-11-2018 07:27AM

You don't sound weird. It's perfectly normal to really want a baby.
As last poster said sit down and talk to your partner
Do they feel the same? It's important ye are on the same page and when ye are ye can make a plan together.
Second it's important to finish college and set yourself up well so that when a baby arrives you are not stressing about money or somewhere to live or childcare etc etc.
So use this time wisely. Babies are fantastic but bloody hard work so try to enjoy your child free time for now or couple time with your partner. It will be a luxury once baby arrives. Best of luck

TheBoyConor · 20-11-2018 12:02PM

You're only 26 so you're a bit young to be getting yourself wrapped up in pregnancy and babies. Maybe as is said you put together a life plan that will help you deal with it so that you can revisit having a baby maybe when you are a bit older, say 30 or so if you really want that.

I am assuming your partner is in or around the same age. You should talk to your partner absolutelly but in all honesty it is very unlikely that fellas in their 20s would be actually keen to have a baby, they tend to change maybe from early to mid 30s.

LirW · 20-11-2018 08:43PM

I really know exactly how you feel. I had the same, it was like a possessed demon, it was scary. No amount of talking and making plans made me rational, it was very cyclical and tied to my own cycle. I'd break down crying for not having a baby with my partner between my ovulation and shark week, while afterwards I was totally cool about it and the cycle started over again. Honestly it was miserable.
Then I got pregnant and since she's here I'm certain that's it, I'm done, never again.

The only advice I can give is talking to your partner and find a way to deal with it if you're going to wait.
I really really feel for you, it's crazy and irrational and I'm glad I don't have it anymore, the only thing that made it go away was having the baby. Hormones are a b1tch but you're not alone, many women feel like that.

Christian75 · 20-11-2018 09:02PM

Definitely not alone with the problem. I have many friends with similar issues but usually the dominating desire starts in the late 30ies.
Maybe you are just an early starter. Definitely would advise to talk it over with your partner - the decision should be mutual and if you both decide it is a good idea, go for it.
Wish you all the best.

Teyla Emmagan · 20-11-2018 10:47PM

Would you go on the pill? I am presuming you aren't on it already of course. It might regulate your hormones and baby longings for a bit. I found it was great for smoothing out some of my crazy. I would have got up on a gate before when I was ovulating.

MartyMcFly84 · 21-11-2018 10:56AM

I think a lot of women start to feel broody in their late 20s. It tends to be when many really start thinking about their life plan and reassess who they are with and move towards marriage. Men at this age are still years off.

From the women I have spoken to about this subject, often broodiness tends to wear off in early 30s. But it's very much personal situational based. Many people really only become comfortable in their own skin in their 30s. I have spoken to some who were very broody in their late 20s who are now mid 30s and looking back are glad they didn't have kids at that time, or in that relationship.

Goose76 · 21-11-2018 02:35PM

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Would you go on the pill? I am presuming you aren't on it already of course. It might regulate your hormones and baby longings for a bit. I found it was great for smoothing out some of my crazy. I would have got up on a gate before when I was ovulating.

Just on this - I am on the pill (have been for three years nearly) and major broodiness kicked in about a year ago. I’m 29. Maybe it would be worse if I came off the pill, but just saying, it’s not a catch all solution.

antix80 · 21-11-2018 05:37PM

Talk to your partner about it.

You should of course get married to your partner, and at least one of you should have a full-time job. Ideally, finish college or plan your pregnancy around finishing college/exams/etc.

ShaShaBear · 22-11-2018 01:29PM

The first step is to talk to your partner and make sure that having children is on their agenda - and more importantly, having children with you. I was 26 and in my final year of college and had been experiencing the same as you for years already, before I had even met my partner. I discussed it with him and he agreed he wanted kids and we went for it. We were not married at the time, but we are now, and have had another kid since. I do not regret my decision, I finished my degree and had my baby and then another. And I am broody for more :P

But all of this means nothing if your partner doesn't want kids or isn't ready!

okiss · 23-11-2018 02:58AM

My advice to you is to talk to your partner about the fact that you want kids and see if they want the same. I know a lot of men don't want children until they are older. Don't think if you get pregnant that he will be happy if he says to you I don't want kids until I am a certain age. I have seen woman do this and end up in an unhappy relationship or on their own as he had no interest in having a child.

You need to be in a strong and happy relationship before having kids as having a baby can hard going. I know one couple who's baby cried a good 12 hours a day and did not sleep a full night till they were over 2. I know several couples who had babies with health issues. I have friends with children who have special needs also. It can be hard going with baby/child in these circumstances so you both want to have children.

My advice is to wait a few years before having a family. Work hard to build up both your career's, have a few holiday's and build up some savings. Try and buy a place to live in before having children as you will have a better chance of being approved for a mortgage and be able to borrow more without dependant children.

I know a couple at the moment with 2 kids in their early 30's. She was like you and wanted kids. She had got pregnant not long after finishing college and had 2 children within 3 years. She is working but did not have a chance to build up her carear. Her job does not pay well and due to her lack of experience it hard for her to change jobs. Her husband also works long hours. They are renting and trying to save to buy a house. They need to save X and earn over y otherwise they won't get a mortgage. The bank will stress test them taking the 2 child dependants into consideration.

I know another couple of about the same age. She loves kids and they both wanted a family but they decided to wait a few years. He worked hard and got a few promotions. Meanwhile she moved jobs and got more experience. She worked abroad for a year in a low tax area to build up a lump sum to put towards buying a home. They now own a home and they had a baby a few months ago.

My friends that waited to have children and built up their careers before this are now in a better position than other people I know that had kids soon after college. One of my friends had a very stressful but well paying job when her kids were small. Due to this job and her previous work experience she applied and got a great family friendly job. Another friend of mine now jobshares. Also it important that you have build up a career before having children so have a work history and experience. I know one lady who stayed at home with the children as he husband had a good job and worked long hours. He died suddenly in his early 40's and because she had a professional qualification and work experience she was able to get a good job locally after this. She would now be in her 60''s and her mother told her daughters I want you to work hard in school and go to college as you will never know when you will be glad of an education.

Recliner · 23-11-2018 03:25AM

antix80 wrote: »

You should of course get married to your partner,

What's that got to do with anything?

qwerty13 · 23-11-2018 05:55AM

Recliner wrote: »

What's that got to do with anything?

Guardianship and inheritance tax

antix80 · 23-11-2018 08:32AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

Guardianship and inheritance tax

... and that you want to give your child the best chance in life. Children are less likely to live in poverty when their parents are married.

LegacyUser · 30-11-2018 07:52PM

Hi all, OP here again

Just to answer some q's that you've been asking.

My partner and I have talked lots about having children. He would happily have them now as would I, but I know that I should finish college first. I know it can be done together but knowing myself it would be better to wait. It's just these feelings are driving me crazy! I've honestly felt this way since I was about 18 and it's so much more intense over the last few years. Not really a solution for it but time I suppose but it's good to know I'm not alone in it

pwurple · 01-12-2018 09:56AM

We don’t know enough about the study here. Is it something you easily get into a well paid flexible job after?

Just thinking it through here, my mums college education was not used in the end. She took a job that was compatible with the hours she wanted to work while having a family instead. If you finish college and immediately start having children before working, can you use your qualifications later? How long do you need to work for paid maternity? How much is the college course costing you and will you make it back quickly?

We started trying for babies when I was 28. No baby appeared until I was 33. NExt one took another 3 years. I wonder should we have started earlier...

I am incredibly cynical about the university system. You can do courses in all sorts of interesting things, and universities make it their business to encourage students to stay there and keep paying up. People can spend a decade and a fortune at it, but be left unemployable afterwards.

suicide_circus · 01-12-2018 05:44PM

26 is in no way, shape or form too young to be having babies.

TheBoyConor · 04-12-2018 12:34PM

I disagree sc. Maybe 30 or 40 years ago it was a normal age to marry and have children in the mid 20s but nowadays people are often still very much in their early adult years and still finding themselves at that age.

My brother got married at 26 and I thought he was either mad or herself had pistol whipped him into marriage so young. Needless to say, shortly afterwards there was "woopsies, baby time" accident by her.

I think after 30 is fair game for marriage and children but in your twenties, well, you're in your twenties - you should be enjoying yourself and travelling, not getting tied down into a big serious settled down relationship with marriage and children lifestyle.

I'm 32 and feel in absolutely no way ready or even inclined to marry let along have children. I probably will never do either tbh.

suicide_circus · 04-12-2018 12:42PM

^^^yes but biologically our bodies have not caught up with our new social norms.

antix80 · 04-12-2018 12:51PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I'm 32 and feel in absolutely no way ready or even inclined to marry let along have children. I probably will never do either tbh.

That says more about you to be fair.

Besides, it's different for women. They have a biological clock to contend with.

witchgirl26 · 04-12-2018 01:19PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I disagree sc. Maybe 30 or 40 years ago it was a normal age to marry and have children in the mid 20s but nowadays people are often still very much in their early adult years and still finding themselves at that age.

My brother got married at 26 and I thought he was either mad or herself had pistol whipped him into marriage so young. Needless to say, shortly afterwards there was "woopsies, baby time" accident by her.

I think after 30 is fair game for marriage and children but in your twenties, well, you're in your twenties - you should be enjoying yourself and travelling, not getting tied down into a big serious settled down relationship with marriage and children lifestyle.

I'm 32 and feel in absolutely no way ready or even inclined to marry let along have children. I probably will never do either tbh.

That's fine for you but the OP and her partner have both said they want children. I know a few people who I went to school who had children young enough (comparatively) to others. They're out the hard side of things with really small kids now while still relatively young and able to do loads with them.

My brother also got married young enough (mid-20's) and had kids pretty much straight away. They were still able to do a lot but it all depends on your own personal priorities in life.

OP as to your original piece. I would wait until you're finished college or almost finished at least (I know a few people who graduated with either a large bump or a newborn!) as then you do have that under your belt as opposed to trying to do it after kids which can be difficult.

B0jangles · 04-12-2018 01:22PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

^^^yes but biologically our bodies have not caught up with our new social norms.

Slightly off-topic, but our bodies have actually been changing rapidly in the last 200 years - did you know the average age for having your first period has been dropping significantly across many different cultures?

In the 1840's for example, german girls generally got their first period at 16.6 years, in Norway, the average was 17. It's been dropping year on year ever since.

OP, you just have to look at your current life and your partner's wishes and at the hard practicalities of having a baby - is it something you can afford to do right now?

eviltwin · 04-12-2018 01:50PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I disagree sc. Maybe 30 or 40 years ago it was a normal age to marry and have children in the mid 20s but nowadays people are often still very much in their early adult years and still finding themselves at that age.

My brother got married at 26 and I thought he was either mad or herself had pistol whipped him into marriage so young. Needless to say, shortly afterwards there was "woopsies, baby time" accident by her.

I think after 30 is fair game for marriage and children but in your twenties, well, you're in your twenties - you should be enjoying yourself and travelling, not getting tied down into a big serious settled down relationship with marriage and children lifestyle.

I'm 32 and feel in absolutely no way ready or even inclined to marry let along have children. I probably will never do either tbh.

Different strokes and all that. I had my kids young and that was the right decision for me.

OP I'm out the other side, in my early 40's and my kids are raised. I see some of my friends in panic mode now because they are late 30's and there is no sign of a baby. If you both want children and your lifestyle allows for it, I'd make plans to start trying as soon as is feasible for you.

LirW · 04-12-2018 06:07PM

eviltwin wrote: »

Different strokes and all that. I had my kids young and that was the right decision for me.

OP I'm out the other side, in my early 40's and my kids are raised. I see some of my friends in panic mode now because they are late 30's and there is no sign of a baby. If you both want children and your lifestyle allows for it, I'd make plans to start trying as soon as is feasible for you.

I'll be a few years short of 40 when my eldest moves out and in my early 40s when the younger one hits the road (or supposed to, let's see how rental costs are).
I raised the first alone the first few years before meeting my partner but I still don't regret it.

Not everyone wants to be in their mid 30s when starting family while others prefer starting when well settled, there's no rule of thumb.
Many have personal preferences, some want one, others want a whole football team.
It comes down to what the couple decides. And that biological clock is a real thing unfortunately for many.

ShaShaBear · 09-12-2018 10:19AM

I'm also glad I started early with my partner. I'm 31 now, with hopes to have 2 more kids. As it stands, by the time I am 45 both my daughters will be almost 20.

I always said I would much rather raise my kids and enjoy being a family, and then my late 40s onwards could be spent travelling the world with my husband instead of, as eviltwin said, experiencing all you think life has to offer and then realising you are well into your thirties and no baby or daddy in sight.

TheBoyConor · 10-12-2018 11:58AM

Fair play to you. I'm 32 and couldn't imagine what it would be like to have two kids already at my age, let alone what it would be like to go about having two more on top of that again. I'd feel like hyperventilating at the thoughts of the commitment involved in such as restrictive life.

witchgirl26 · 10-12-2018 03:25PM

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I'm also glad I started early with my partner. I'm 31 now, with hopes to have 2 more kids. As it stands, by the time I am 45 both my daughters will be almost 20.

I always said I would much rather raise my kids and enjoy being a family, and then my late 40s onwards could be spent travelling the world with my husband instead of, as eviltwin said, experiencing all you think life has to offer and then realising you are well into your thirties and no baby or daddy in sight.

I think that is the ideal obviously but sometimes life doesn't work that way. I didn't meet my OH until I was already in my mid-20's and we wanted to enjoy some time together and setting up our life before kids.

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Fair play to you. I'm 32 and couldn't imagine what it would be like to have two kids already at my age, let alone what it would be like to go about having two more on top of that again. I'd feel like hyperventilating at the thoughts of the commitment involved in such as restrictive life.

I honestly felt like that a couple of years ago and then a switch flipped in my head and just wanted kids straight away. Totally get that doesn't happen for everyone but biology is a funny thing with these things.

ShaShaBear · 17-12-2018 04:09PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Fair play to you. I'm 32 and couldn't imagine what it would be like to have two kids already at my age, let alone what it would be like to go about having two more on top of that again. I'd feel like hyperventilating at the thoughts of the commitment involved in such as restrictive life.

100% get you, and you're totally within your right to feel like that! I guess the thing is, if you REALLY want kids (and especially as a woman), it can make sense to do it sooner rather than later if you have already found the right person to have them with. Personal circumstances would also impact on the decision as to how many - I work from home, my husband's job is extremely flexible and we have a huge extended family support network so a big family suits us. Obviously it ain't for everyone!

shesty · 18-12-2018 07:48PM

Personal circumstances.If you are in college, I would stick with it.I know one couple who skipped education, started young, had three kids in the early/mid twenties.Ten years on we were starting a family, both with our degrees and jobs.On one hand I looked a bit jealously at them because they were past the early mornings, sleepless nights etc.On the other hand....they were both starting into college at 32 because neither had a job, they were dependent on the State for housing and they had three kids to rear that needed an income into the house, and not enough education to get the kind of life they wanted to give their boys.So.....weigh it up.

qwerty13 · 19-12-2018 04:41AM

Have to preface this by saying that I don’t want kids.

However, what you can provide for the best outcome for kids trumps what you may want re whether / what you are thinking re having kids. Honestly, I think it would be very selfish to have kids now mainly ‘because I want them now’.

So weigh up all the circumstances: financial, support network etc. What can you provide a kid now. What could you provide a kid in 1/5/10 years. And then decide on the basis of the likely outcome for the kids.

Broody

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