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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Officially it's the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Punctuation is very important...


    There's a Maypole dancer.

    Theresa May, pole dancer.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,633 ✭✭✭✭Buford T. Justice XIX


    Punctuation is very important...


    There's a Maypole dancer.

    Theresa May, pole dancer.
    I think that need to be read twice, at least:D


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Ferrero Rocher sales plummet due to global ambassador crisis.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

    A woman that won't do what she's told!!!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Twice I've been stood up for a Whitesnake concert

    Here I go again on my own.(:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    I came second in a Fidel Castro lookalike competition.
    Close, but no cigar.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ^^^^

    Oi mate you Havana laugh ?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    ^^^^

    Oi mate you Havana laugh ?
    Who moi.

    IMG_1986.gif


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about their companies’ speed of service.
    The first said: “When one of our policyholders died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife so quickly that she received the cheque by Thursday morning.”
    The second said: “When one of our insured died on Monday, we were able to hand-deliver a cheque to his widow the same evening.”
    The third said: “That’s nothing. Our office is on the eighteenth floor. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the seventy-third floor, slipped and fell on Monday. We handed him his cheque as he passed our floor!”


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    Have you ever noticed that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”

    The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”

    The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”

    The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.
    "When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

    "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, "Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

    A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”

    “Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭seagull


    Punctuation is very important...


    There's a Maypole dancer.

    Theresa May, pole dancer.

    Similarly, the difference between

    Helping your uncle Jack off a horse
    and
    Helping your uncle jack off a horse


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,357 ✭✭✭coldfire1x


    A woman went into a library and asked

    “Do you have that new book about small penises?”

    “I don’t think it’s in yet” replied the librarian.

    “That’s the one!” said the woman ��


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,357 ✭✭✭coldfire1x


    My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate then burn them.

    Done, but I don't know what to do with the letters.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I had to put my foot down when my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,317 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    On behalf of Channel 4 may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show.

    Also the charming photo you enclosed of your wife.

    Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programme's content and the correct title of the series, which is actually "Fact Hunt".


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.

    He said, "Brian, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

    Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 71,802 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    That's also the way to start a fight too,


    Especially in the middle of a game.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Two good old boys, Mick and Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
    Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says,
    "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
    "But we're only privates," protests Paddy.
    "We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside.

    "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
    "But we're privates," says Paddy.
    "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe.
    "We're Lance Corporals now!"

    So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

    "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea"

    Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
    "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

    So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.

    Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
    Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"

    "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates
    and we're Lance Corporals now."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,645 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I've just applied for a job at the Citroën factory....

    I had to send in 2CV's..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    They make the drains down in Africa...


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ^^^^^

    This guy keeps ringing up and asking for Prince Charming.

    Every time I've told him there's no here by that name , but he's adamant.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Give a Scanger a fish and he'll eat for a day.

    Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I received a letter from Screwfix thanking me for my inquiry.

    And informing me they are not a Dating agency.


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,998 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    When I was a kid my mum made me wear Sponge clothes and the other Kids would get me and Cover me in chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on my head .





    Life was tough in the gateau


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