The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Every time the wife gets home she has to get the kids to put the car in the driver for her due to her illness.

She has parking sons.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test.

She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.

Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."

Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”

Dropped in on a friend "Dave your ceilings are very high"

And he said "Aye, it was the wife's idea, knocking two rooms into one"

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him €20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him €40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the postman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The postman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

TheBody

Just been looking at me ceiling, it's not the best but it's definitely up there.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there, all warm and happy and chirped a tune.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird
under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

(1) Not everyone who drops **** on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, keep your mouth shut

When Little jonnie was absent from school one day, the teacher asked him where he was, he said "my dad got burnt".

"not seriously I hope" said the teacher.

"well they don't f*ck about at the crematorium".

When I was a kid my mum made me wear Sponge clothes and the other Kids would get me and Cover me in chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on my head .

Life was tough in the gateau

I received a letter from Screwfix thanking me for my inquiry.

And informing me they are not a Dating agency.

Give a Scanger a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.

^^^^^

This guy keeps ringing up and asking for Prince Charming.

Every time I've told him there's no here by that name , but he's adamant.

Witchie

They make the drains down in Africa...

If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.

TheBody

I've just applied for a job at the Citroën factory....

I had to send in 2CV's..

Two good old boys, Mick and Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says,
"Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
"But we're only privates," protests Paddy.
"We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside.

"Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Paddy.
"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe.
"We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea"

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates
and we're Lance Corporals now."

Ted_YNWA

That's also the way to start a fight too,

Especially in the middle of a game.

byrner88

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.

He said, "Brian, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock."

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

bonzodog2

On behalf of Channel 4 may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show.

Also the charming photo you enclosed of your wife.

Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programme's content and the correct title of the series, which is actually "Fact Hunt".

I had to put my foot down when my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo

coldfire1x

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate then burn them.

Done, but I don't know what to do with the letters.

coldfire1x

A woman went into a library and asked

“Do you have that new book about small penises?”

“I don’t think it’s in yet” replied the librarian.

“That’s the one!” said the woman &#55357;&#56384;

seagull

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

Similarly, the difference between

Helping your uncle Jack off a horse
and
Helping your uncle jack off a horse

A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, "Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”

“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”

byrner88

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.
"When did you first notice the leak?" he asked.

"Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”

The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”

The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”

The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”

I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to help where I can.

Have you ever noticed that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same?