The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

12-03-2018 10:28PM

Fitzgerald lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Fitzgerald went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Fitzgerald said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya' think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic

Capt'n Midnight · 12-03-2018 11:15PM

I went to the vet with my goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy."

The vet takes a look and says:
"It seems calm to me."

And I said
"You idiot, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

Capt'n Midnight · 12-03-2018 11:30PM

I could swear I just drove past sky pundit Jamie Carragher there in his car.... ....Well if it wasn't him, it was his spitting image!

coldfire1x · 13-03-2018 01:45PM

During plane flights, I get really bad earache!

This year, I've found a solution that'll help.

I've booked my wife's seat ten rows back.

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

My wife came home from work to find me sitting watching the football..

"I've decided I'm leaving you, all you do is talk about football you think about nothing else," she said.
"I'm also seeing someone else truth be told".

"Really?" I replied.
"What team does he support?"

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.

‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

My wife started cooking for our guests and told me to go and prepare the table.

So I told them all about her terrible cooking.

coldfire1x · 13-03-2018 01:46PM

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go **** myself

“Give it to me!” she said
“I’m so F***ing wet, give it to me now!”
“F**k off” I said
“Get your own umbrella.”

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

coldfire1x · 13-03-2018 01:47PM

Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths..

Blacksmith: “Are you any good at shoeing horses?”

I said: “No but I once told a donkey to f**k off.”

My grandad is 93 and still doesn’t need glasses!

He just drinks straight from the bottle.

coldfire1x · 13-03-2018 01:48PM

A Nigerian Prince has died & left his millions to a cat.

He tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his emails.....

13-03-2018 06:52PM

Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to answer, his mum tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question.
His father, always ready and quick with the answers,
says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mum dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early.
Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mum is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mum is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

emeldc · 13-03-2018 07:53PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to answer, his mum tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question.
His father, always ready and quick with the answers,
says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mum dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early.
Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mum is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mum is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

Yea, not bad except I started reading 'five years ago Justin is taking a shower with his mother', and I thought WTF

Nodster · 13-03-2018 09:25PM

A guard phoned the station for back up reporting that a black lad is dancing on the roof of a car on the town square. Has Sargent tells him he can't say that over the radio. Oh OK says the guard "Zulu Tango Golf"

the_pen_turner · 15-03-2018 02:49PM

A nun and a priest were playing golf.
The priest misses an easy putt and says,"God dammit I missed again!".
The nun says, "Father, you can't use God's name like that."
The priest apologizes and they go on to the next hole where he does it again.
"God dammit I missed again!".
The nun is very upset.
Finally to appease her he says, "Sister, if I say that again may God strike me dead on the spot".
Next hole same thing, "God dammit I missed again".
Suddenly a bolt of lightning comes down and strikes the nun dead on the spot.
The sky then opens up and a ever powerful voice is heard throughout the land saying, "God dammit I missed again!"

16-03-2018 06:36PM

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

Capt'n Midnight · 16-03-2018 10:55PM

England: Instead of boycotting the World Cup, just play the first three games and then come home.

Like you normally do.

Capt'n Midnight · 16-03-2018 10:58PM

An old man drove past me on a tractor this morning and told me the end was nigh...

I think it was Farmer Gedden.

pleas advice · 16-03-2018 11:13PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

England: Instead of boycotting the World Cup,....

maybe Ireland can be the 32nd team?

Adrestia · 16-03-2018 11:37PM

Husband and Wife go to the beach. Wife gets stung by a jelly fish. She freaks out and screams in pain "Quick! Quick! Pee on it!"
So he does and says "That's what you get for stinging my wife!!"

Capt'n Midnight · 16-03-2018 11:38PM

pleas advice wrote: »

maybe Ireland can be the 32nd team?

Yeah , good luck getting ahead of four time winners Italy , who have a lot more clout with the advertisers.

Capt'n Midnight · 16-03-2018 11:39PM

What do you call an Italian footballer with a rubber toe ?

Roberto.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 17-03-2018 07:13AM

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A Megasoreass.

18-03-2018 01:17PM

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief, “What in the world kind of dog do you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “it’s a little four week old female puppy.”

“Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puppy kill my Doberman?”

“It appears that your dog choked on her, sir!”

18-03-2018 01:18PM

My dad is 87 years old. One day we went to the mall with him. Suddenly I noticed he is staring at a teenage girl with Iroquois and bright yellow, green and purple hair on her head. The girl noticed his unwavering gaze and asked him, “What’s up creaker? Haven’t you ever done anything crazy?”

My dad replied immediately: “Once upon a time, I was drunk and stoned and I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering what if you are my daughter.”

coldfire1x · 18-03-2018 04:32PM

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

coldfire1x · 18-03-2018 04:32PM

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

coldfire1x · 18-03-2018 04:34PM

Paddy in Wetherspoons:

"How much is your lager?"

Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher"

Paddy: I'll just have a pint, f**k the photo."

valoren · 18-03-2018 07:44PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What do you call an Italian footballer with a rubber toe ?

Roberto.

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

Grassias

K.Flyer · 19-03-2018 01:50PM

Jim (nice but dim) happens to get himself a job as a labourer on a building site attached to the renovations at Buckingham Palace, but he has never worked on a building site before.
On his first day the boss hands him a plan, a tape measure, some stakes, some white marking spray and a shovel.
"Now listen carefully Jim because I need this finished today" said the boss, "I want you to follow the plan on that green area over there. I need it marked out carefully because I need a trench two feet wide and four foot deep to follow the marking for the new drains going in"
Jim looks at the plan, looks over at the green area at the back of the Palace and nods confidently at the boss and he heads over to get started.
Much later in the day another labourer is sent over to see how Jim is getting on.
Everything is marked out but Jim is at the far end of the marking up to his waist in a hole about eight feet long, sweat rolling off him, hands bleeding and blistering.
Jim starts to give out that he is expected to have the trench dug out by the end of the day, he has had no lunch, his hands are killing him and feels like he is going to die of exhaustion.
"What are you doin' mate?" says the other labourer, "Stop giving out, what do want, a medal?"
"Listen mate" says the labourer, "you get a JCB for doing all the digging work."
Jim looked up from the small hole he had dug, surveyed what was left to be dug out, shook his head, threw the shovel out on the ground and climbed out.
"No way," said Jim, "F##k them and their medal, I quit"

Hagar7 · 20-03-2018 07:06PM

My pal said onions are the only food that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

Capt'n Midnight · 20-03-2018 10:15PM

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

Capt'n Midnight · 20-03-2018 10:16PM

People claim to be into recycling, but watch their faces as you rinse out a condom.

coldfire1x · 21-03-2018 05:49PM

As a child, my mum told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft.”

I just got hit by a rental car.

It Hertz.

I told my Mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me!

Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits!"

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried?

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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