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Considering having a baby by myself

13

Comments

  • #62
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    Addle wrote: »
    Maybe or maybe not.
    Very true actually. She's 39 now so realistically once she's gone through all the rigmarole of deciding a suitable doner, getting pregnant, having the baby and settling into a routine she'll be at least 42 odd by the time she gets to put herself back on the dating market. Not impossible by any means but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.


  • #63
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    suicide_circus wrote: »
    Very true actually. She's 39 now so realistically once she's gone through all the rigmarole of deciding a suitable doner, getting pregnant, having the baby and settling into a routine she'll be at least 42 odd by the time she gets to put herself back on the dating market. Not impossible by any means but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

    What a depressing view of the world. So at 42 you are past it? Give over.


  • #64
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    eviltwin wrote: »
    What a depressing view of the world. So at 42 you are past it? Give over.
    Just being realistic. It gets harder to meet someone as time goes on evidenced by the fact she has to go the doner route. The OP asked for feedback.


  • #65
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Clickbait wrote: »
    I can't believe there's so much people telling the OP to go for it. It's a very selfish thing to do. You want your dad to be a father figure when no one else is around even though you realise he's getting older. I think you're looking for a fairytale love story by giving timeframes by getting to know a guy for at least two years before hand. It's a completely different situation with a dead beat dad or one night stands. That's just my opinion.

    You could argue that having a child is ALWAYS a selfish thing to do!

    Circumstances will never be ideal, but realistically this is probably her last chance to have a child.

    You refer to wanting to know a man for at least 2 years before having a child as a "fairytale" scenario, but it's actually a realistic one. How many men would be enthusiastic about having a child in the early stages of a relationship?


  • #66
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    And even if they were enthusiastic about having a baby early, I wouldn't be enthusiastic about being tied to someone for the rest of my life when I didn't know them that well. I did a lot of online dating and time and time again came across guys that either had problems with alcohol or were quite bitter about life. Sometimes these things only come out after the honeymoon period is over at 18 to 24 months. I've seen many men and women rush into marriage and kids in what ended up being deeply dysfunctional relationships because they wanted kids.

    There are no easy answers to this question. I appreciate all the feedback here. Even the most negative ones are nothing worse than I've thought myself.


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  • #67
    neonsofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    eviltwin wrote: »
    What a depressing view of the world. So at 42 you are past it? Give over.

    I agree with your sentiment here generally, but that poster has a point. It isnt a case of op being 42 and therefore "past it", but she will also be a single parent to a newborn which doesn't leave much room for even socialising, let alone dating.

    Especially if your support network is already babysitting for practical reasons (as a single parent I'd rely on family support for things that other parents would rely on each other for)- so asking for additional support so you can opt to socialise/date can seem a bit frivolous or taking advantage (only speaking for myself here, not op or anybody else) so it tends to take a backseat.

    It all depends on the person really at the end of the day,but if someone is finding it difficult to meet someone, becoming a single parent is not going to make that easier imo. Not that it matters in making the decision, but I don't think it's insulting or depressing to accept the fact that it might make dating more difficult. Sure I'm single myself for the same reason- I just don't have the opportunity to socialise with new people, let alone date them.


  • #68
    Clickbait
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 84 ✭✭Clickbait


    woodchuck wrote: »
    You could argue that having a child is ALWAYS a selfish thing to do!

    Circumstances will never be ideal, but realistically this is probably her last chance to have a child.

    You refer to wanting to know a man for at least 2 years before having a child as a "fairytale" scenario, but it's actually a realistic one. How many men would be enthusiastic about having a child in the early stages of a relationship?

    Love doesn't have a timeline. There's a thread in the ladies lounge with a woman having a baby six or seven months into the relationship. The OP has came about and pretty much said that early relationships are doomed because they wanted kids. What a load of toss, I know someone who had a kid a year into their relationship and they're eight years together now.


  • #69
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Clickbait wrote: »
    Love doesn't have a timeline. There's a thread in the ladies lounge with a woman having a baby six or seven months into the relationship. The OP has came about and pretty much said that early relationships are doomed because they wanted kids. What a load of toss, I know someone who had a kid a year into their relationship and they're eight years together now.

    I've seen that thread and I'm sure there are other examples where this happens and it's great when it works out. How common are these situations though? The OP needs to play the odds here.


  • #70
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #71
    XsApollo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,578 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    I don’t see any problem with this as far as the parenting side, wether it’s a mother or father doesn’t really matter in my view and as long as you are ready.

    Having a child isn’t easy.
    It’s expensive if you have to work and pay for a crèche.
    Not even that, getting up for work will be a 2 hour affair, everyday.
    Getting up, getting ready, getting the child ready, breakfast, morning tantrums, dropping to the crèche and then on to work.
    Rinse and repeat in the evenings.
    Emergency’s, kids get sick, a lot.
    Even more so when mixing in a crèche at that young age.
    It’s hard work.
    Then as they get into school and start getting party invites then you will be ferrying then every second weekend to some party or something they have on.
    Doctors appointments.
    It’s basically non stop when you go back to work after maternity and have to drop the kids to crèche or babysitter.
    If your prepared for that then go ahead.
    It starts to get easier around 8 or 9 years old , when they start getting a bit independent.

    As for the mother/father missing I don’t see any problem.
    Kids need a stable happy environment.
    If you can provide that and are prepared for the work involved then it’s all good, from my view.


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  • #72
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #73
    XsApollo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,578 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    Well I meant 2 hours from when you wake , doing all that and starting work. :-P
    My job is about 5 mins away and the school is on the way, and need about an hour and 15mins to be safe :-D


  • #74
    Eric Cartman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,280 ✭✭✭✭Eric Cartman


    I don't know if I'd call the decision selfish or anything , but OP, consider what you want for the future.

    42 isn't over the hill as somebody said above, but dating is certainly a lot trickier at that point. Finding somebody already has been an issue for you, your'e now cutting your chances of finding somebody by about 2/3rds (between time busy with the child and men finding women already with children less appealing, right or wrong its a fact) . When the child is 18 and starts living their own life you'd be facing 60 and a high chance of still being alone, at that point its not guaranteed game over either but it pretty much is.

    while not an absolute black and white scenario, if this was me id be considering it as a choice between finding a partner to spend the rest of my life with or having a kid to look after for 18-20 years and then see a few times a month. Your idea would be both, but the odds are that you get to pick 1 and 1 only.


  • #75
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.
    It could go either way, or a mix of both. Whatever the op does, it will come down to the child to decide how it feels about how it was conceived. The child could be perfectly well adjusted or there might be some resentment. In this day and age of blended/non traditional families, the child has a good chance of accepting the circumstances.

    One thing I will say to you op is to consider your age. My mother lost her first husband (my dad) and remarried in her late 30's. She had my sister at 41. The marriage broke down and my sister's dad basically abandoned her at age 3. Mentally she was fine with the situation with her father. However, my mother died when she was only 22 and that hit her really hard. My mother was the only parent she ever knew but she was "lucky" that she had all her siblings and extended family (on my Dad's side) to support her. She's doing fine now but I know for her, the lesson she took from it is to have kids early if possible.

    You cannot predict what will happen in the future. Your child might be fine or they might have some issues with the situation. You might live till your 90's or you may be taken earlier. All you know is that right now you are in a position to give a child a loving, financially secure home. I would say go for it but be prepared for your child to have some issues and make sure you have someone who is willing to take care of your child should anything happen to you.


  • #76
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #77
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.
    It's very important to make sure that the child/ren are taken care of financially but it's equally important that guardians are in place so that they are taken care of emotionally. It's a huge ask, to ask someone else to take care of your children but it's important to have this in place, even for your own peace of mind. I remember my mother in the hospice worrying over my sister, even though she was 22 and technically an adult. I swore to her that I would do everything to make sure my sister was taken of and I have tried to do that.

    I'm not a parent but my greatest fear of becoming one would be to make sure they are provided for emotionally, as well as financially should something happen to me and their father. That is just based on my experiences though.

    In an ideal world we would all have two parents with steady jobs and a couple of siblings to keep us grounded/provide support throughout our lives. We'd have grandparents/cousins and an extended family. In the real world nothing is perfect. Op you are in a good position right now to provide a child with a loving home. Only you can decide if you want to go through with it. You've got the positive and negative feedback. I wish you all the best no matter what you choose.


  • #78
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    After 25 years, do you think the OP's son or daughter will be more likely to say:

    1. "Mum, happy Mother's Day. I love you, and I appreciate everything you went through to bring me into the world and raise me. I know it wasn't easy for you, doing everything alone, but I'm glad we're here together today."

    or

    2. "Mum, I can't believe what a selfish decision you made to have me all by yourself. My entire life has been a misery. I wish you had never made that decision. I wish I'd never existed."[/quote]
    You've led a sheltered life if you've never seen any of option 2 there. I certainly bloody have. Particularly from young adults slitting their own wrists. 
    I've also seen adoptees in horrendous pain their entire lives not knowing where they came from, still talking about it on their deathbed, begging their adoptive parents to tell them. For some people, doesn't bother them. To others, it's a fundamental part of themselves.
    And I've seen single parents become completely overwhelmed, to the point of breakdown and abuse. I know someone who was beating the living ****e out of their 4 year old for wetting the bed. She was at the end of her tether and was just unable to cope. 

    I don't know anyone in my life who wouldn't prefer their spouse was alive to share it with, or the relationship hadn't broken down and worked out differently. Wider perspective is always welcome, and by very definition a single parent does not have anything other than their own perspective. 

    Look, life and death happens, and we get on with it all. But there's an ethical difference between someone choosing to deprive someone of a father, and it happening though life's twists and turns.  I'm not saying it's wrong, or it won't work out, but if I was in this position, I'd want to have thought all these scenarios through, and be committed to the choice and the reasons behind it.


  • #79
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #80
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    That's why I deliberately asked which option is more likely. I wasn't denying that option 2 exists, but option 1 is the far more probable outcome.
     
    [/quote]
    Have you got something to back that probability statement up? Or is it a hunch?

    Is there a study that shows that single mothers are less prone to post-natal depression for example? An analysis of psychological impact on the adults who are the product of sperm donors?

    As far as I am aware, the technology is too new to do any long term adult studies. 

    Even to think through thar PND risk a small bit....  given the difficulties mothers who conceive in this way have to overcome in the first place, any issues they encounter are likely to be played down, because of the perceived stigma. There will be more self-imposed pressure on the mother in this case, because she will feel that everyone is expecting her to fail. That's one of the risk factors for PND, taking everything on yourself, hiding symptoms. Plus of course fertility issues,  and history of relationship difficulties. 

    As I said above, if it were me, I'd make a list of all the things that could go wrong, and think of a plan for dealing with each of them.
    1) Unable to conceive
    2) traumatic birth requiring hospitalisation
    3) Maternal death
    4) PND

    etc etc etc


  • #81
    zapper55
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 689 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Pwurple I do think you are being too hard on permabear but you do make a valid point. As well as the four you've mentioned there's also, a children with a disability, sick child requiring long periods of hospitalisation etc

    I must say though, I surround myself with great people who are busy with their own lives and I wouldn't ever think people would be expecting anything and I don't overly put pressure on myself but point taken.


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  • #82
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #83
    Bradley in Texas
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22 ✭Bradley in Texas


    I think it can be done (raising a normal, well rounded, good kid) without a father, BUT, all things being equal, it's usually preferable for the child to have a father figure in the picture, especially for a boy. People can scoff but a boy DOES need a male role model. It can be an uncle, cousin, grandfather, etc but they may not have the time to devote to the boy on a consistent basis. 
    Again, it can be done (without a father in the picture) but as they say in the American South, "that can be a tough row to hoe". 
    If this situation was in the US, I would have a different answer. In the US, studies have shown a child raised without a father in the picture are much, much more likely to be high school drop outs, become drug addicts, go to prison, commit suicide, etc. HOWEVER, we're not talking about someone in the States, this is Ireland. Totally different situation.


  • #84
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,019 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #85
    Bradley in Texas
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22 ✭Bradley in Texas


    Actually, studies in the US show that the results are similar regardless of race. That said, it could be entirely different in Ireland.


  • #86
    Bambi985
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,274 ✭✭✭Bambi985


    OP, I think all evidence points to you being a fantastic mother and giving any child a wonderful quality of life. The lack of a father figure obviously isn't ideal, but many women face what you face, single and dealing with a ticking tock and a dream of having a family that could quickly bypass you.

    Follow your heart and don't be dissuaded. You're a successful woman with financial and emotional stability and a head on your shoulders and would offer a child a lot more than many other parents in that regard. You'd be a present, stable and supportive mother by all accounts. We're not living in old catholic Ireland anymore, 21st century families are increasingly unconventional in their setup - gay marriage is a thing now and women aren't getting shipped off to laundries for giving birth out of wedlock.


  • #87
    jigglypuffstuff
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,236 ✭✭✭jigglypuffstuff


    This comes across as a somewhat self interested action ...I'm not trying to be judgemental but please consider the following

    Why would someone willingly get pregnant knowing that a child will be without their father from day 1 ? It's one thing to end up in that position by accident...but to invite it seems against a child's best interest

    I am not a parent, but I know enough about children to know that they should always come first.

    Why not look at adoption? Perhaps there's a child out there who's unwillingly ended up in the previously mentioned position and could benefit from your help

    Just a thought... ultimately your choice but I would definitely be considering the above strongly If I found myself in that position personally


  • #88
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Not that many children are given up for adoption these days and it's quite a slow process. The OP's age and being single are likely to come against her too.


  • #89
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,705 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I don't understand if people are saying that you would be selfish to have a baby alone, why adopting a baby alone would be a better option. You'd still be single parent? Is it less of a problem for an adopted child to be raised by a single parent?

    It's one of those things that will always have opposing opinions. And people will always have opinions on how other people raise their children anyway! Of course every child's childhood should be perfect. 2 parents who love and respect each other, in a nice warm house, with plenty of wholesome food and the access to the best facilities and education available. Not all children will have all of the above available to them. Some children even have none of them available to them. But it sounds like your child would have a lot of that available to them, and maybe in the future a father figure if you do happen to meet someone.

    Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. All you can do is make your decisions for today and deal with the "what ifs" if they arise. This is your choice. People will always have an opinion! I had a boy first, was told I "had to" go again so he wouldn't be an only child. Then I had a girl. I was then told I "didn't have to" go again because I had one of each. I always thought it funny that people who would have absolutely nothing to do with me or my family gave me instruction/permission on how many children I "had to" have!

    People will always comment. At the end of the day your choices will have zero impact on their life. So make your choice for yourself.


  • #90
    LoMismo
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 63 ✭✭LoMismo


    You haven't met anyone to get pregnant and raise a child with, is the idea of not having a child that hard to accept? I can only look at this from a male perspective but yes I may miss out on what others get out of having kids etc, but there are lots of advantages too in being able to do whatever you want whenever you want.
    Is the prospect of being childless that bad? For me I just think, well it hasn't happened, that's just how it is! I know lots of people in their 40s etc with no kids who appear to have great lives.
    Bringing all that hassle upon yourself and having to deal with it alone, I know it's not possible for men to have babies alone, but there's not a chance in hell I'd be doing it solo if it were possible!


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  • #91
    bee06
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    LoMismo wrote: »
    You haven't met anyone to get pregnant and raise a child with, is the idea of not having a child that hard to accept? I can only look at this from a male perspective but yes I may miss out on what others get out of having kids etc, but there are lots of advantages too in being able to do whatever you want whenever you want.
    Is the prospect of being childless that bad? For me I just think, well it hasn't happened, that's just how it is! I know lots of people in their 40s etc with no kids who appear to have great lives.
    Bringing all that hassle upon yourself and having to deal with it alone, I know it's not possible for men to have babies alone, but there's not a chance in hell I'd be doing it solo if it were possible!

    It’s very difficult to describe the urge or want to have a child to someone who doesn’t experience it but it’s completely overwhelming. It’s not a logical thing where you can just say “oh well, it’s not going to happen. I’ll move on”. There’s a reason why couples spend 10s of thousands of Euro on fertility treatment and go through horrific emotional turmoil to try and have a baby.


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