Considering having a baby by myself

elbyrneo

Ignore labels. What does a child really need? A stable loving caring environment that guides and supports and nurtures their well being and development. Can you give the child that?

Ignore ideals. There is no such thing. Always a better set of circumstances no matter who you are, whether a single parent, same sex marriage, wealthy or poor. Just go back to this - can you give the child what it needs.

Ignore your needs for a minute.Can you sacrifice or put in hold (to some degree only of course) your dreams and aspirations and prioritise the child and what it needs.

Only you can answer this honestly, and maybe with the guidance and counsel of friends and family who know you best. Speak to your family - their support will be key whatever decision you take and their reaction will tell you a lot.

TheBoyConor

Sure that is possible that a father figure will step in but I still think it is not ideal. There's no harm in non-ideal circumstances where they come about by chance, turn of life but I do feel that it morally wrong to deliberately set out to create such a set-up.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

elbyrneo

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Sure that is possible that a father figure will step in but I still think it is not this "ideal". There's no harm in non-ideal circumstances where they come about by chance, turn of life but I do feel that it morally wrong to deliberately set out to create such a set-up.

So would you be against same sex parents? Against people from poor socio economic backgrounds having children? They make deliberate choices to have children knowing it's not ideal.

Think it's more important to forget labels and consider what a child truly needs and if a parent or parents can (with support) meet those needs.

LolaJJ

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Sure that is possible that a father figure will step in but I still think it is not ideal. There's no harm in non-ideal circumstances where they come about by chance, turn of life but I do feel that it morally wrong to deliberately set out to create such a set-up.

@TheBoyConor

I have a question. It's a little off-topic but I am genuinely interested to understand your point of view a little better.

Can you advise which is the ideal situation A, B or C. Which baby would you rather be?

A) The OP's question. A financially stable single person has a baby alone.

A Couple, both teenagers and unemployed, living with their respective parents in social housing have a baby.

C) A Couple, both have good jobs and financial security - but the relationship has a long history of domestic violence have a baby.

woodchuck

If everyone waited for circumstances to be 100% ideal to have a baby, the human race would die out very quickly!

OP I think you're very brave to consider this. Personally I think if this is something you really want and have the means to do so, then you should go for it.

TheBoyConor

It is OT but I will oblige.
In my opinion I don't believe any of those scenarios are great situations to purposely bring a baby into. If it happens unplanned or whatever, well that's life and one deals with it as best one can. I think a conscious decision to have a baby should be made by a stable, loving couple.

Elbyrneo, your Q is veering way off topic with talk of same sex marriages etc so my opinion on that is not really relevant at all.

elbyrneo

TheBoyConor wrote: »

It is OT but I will oblige.

Elbyrneo, your Q is veering way off topic with talk of same sex marriages etc so my opinion on that is not really relevant at all.

Yeah fair enough. My angle was to determine if you had the typical idealistic value of traditional parents and that knowingly someone should not bring a child into the world without those ideals in place. To be honest I have the very same ideals.

But ideals are just that. What's more important is reality and what the child would need regardless of ideals and labels. Yes it might not be perfect but the OP doesn't live in a perfect world, nor does any kid in the world.....

Metroid diorteM

Check with some of your support network first This may seem embarrassing but raising a kid is a tremendous challenge, even with a loving partner. You may be surprised by their answers.

As someone who thought they had a robust support network but then watched them all conveniently excuse themselves out of everything I have my doubts about how much responsibility others can be expected to provide.

Providing for a childs every emotional and practical need every hour of every day for decades is hard. It’s basically the end of your existing life.

zapper55

Thanks a million for all the feedback. I’m obviously not going to base my decision on this thread but the people I’ve told have been hugely positive so I wanted to get more objective responses from people that don’t know me.

Regarding it being lamentable, yes it probably is. Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned unfortunately. I left a rather toxic relationship a few years ago and until it got bad I would have seen myself having children with him. I am so grateful that didn’t happen as both myself and any children would now be living in a very tense difficult environment.

A doula helps someone before and immediately after giving birth, think someone confused them for something else. Regarding a nanny, that’s quite an Amercian term, but yes I’d be using a creche or a childminder. Just like every other couple I know

My job is quite senior but the hours are fine, I can work at home when the child is gone to bed if needs be but considering my commute I’d probably see him/her as much if not more than some of my peers.

Re the birth cert, that would be something I’d have to defer to the father/sperm donor on. If he wished to be on it I’d welcome that.

That’s an interesting point about sacrificing my dreams etc for a child. I wanted a baby before my niece arrived but the love I feel for her is incredible. I’d lay down my life for her and do anything for her. The strength of love for her has taken me by surprise actually. I’ve done a huge amount with my life already so what I’d be sacrificing would be my social life and any time for myself, which I’m as mentally prepared for as anybody can be.

While my support network would be there for the odd play dates and maybe call over every now and then I wouldn’t be hugely relying on them as of course they have their own families and lives.

Thanks for the programme and article recommendations. I’d come across a few of them already.

shesty

This post above.
We have small kids, family nearby.But it's a hard, hard job and first and foremost it is our job.My parents have raised their kids, I can't ask them to raise mine.And my in-laws are a bit older, so very willing but in small doses, as they have their own responsibilities with elderly family members and the kids are a lot for them to take on.My siblings have their own lives.Everyone helps ,but it's us that have to take the days off, juggle the doctor's appointments, childminder, playschool pick up/drop offs etc.We both work, I'd like my three year old to do ballet or gymnastics-I've ruled most of them out for now because they tend to be at 2/3/4pm on a working day,and we aren't home.
I won't say no or yes to your suggestion OP but even with two of us, I just want to escape for a half an hour every so often (and that can be every weekend in the winter!!), at least I can turn to my OH and say I need to run to the shop/get my hair cut/need an hour to buy some clothes for myself.You won't have that support without having to call someone and see what suits them.It is a 24/7 job for years, can you do it by yourself??Is your job somewhat accommodating in working hours, leave etc?? And for all that it's great to have one happy parent over two unhappy ones, it's not much good if your one parent can't get any sort of a break sometime, because believe me, you need it.
And your social life ceases to exist for the first few years.Just how it is.

irishrebe

JayZeus wrote: »

Augme wrote: »

:rolleyes: Such bollox.


OP - There are plenty of kids out there who'd have been far better off if their Dad wasn't in their lives.

And even more who would have been far better off if their Dad was there.  

The OP wanting to start a child on life’s path without a father present from day one, by choice and largely because of her failure to find a partner with which she can raise a child, is lamentable.

Absolutely the most selfish of ideas.

Her 'failure' to find a partner? I love how you put it all on the woman there. Nothing to do with the fact more and more men seem to have no interest in commitment or starting a family, then? It's not some sort of personal failure that she hasn't been lucky enough to meet someone. I don't know where I personally stand on the issue, but a woman who is financially secure and stable with a support network deciding to have a baby on her own seems a heck of a lot less 'selfish' than many other situations children are born into.

Daisy78

irishrebe wrote: »

JayZeus wrote: »

Augme wrote: »

:rolleyes: Such bollox.


OP - There are plenty of kids out there who'd have been far better off if their Dad wasn't in their lives.

And even more who would have been far better off if their Dad was there.  

The OP wanting to start a child on life’s path without a father present from day one, by choice and largely because of her failure to find a partner with which she can raise a child, is lamentable.

Absolutely the most selfish of ideas.

Her 'failure' to find a partner? I love how you put it all on the woman there. Nothing to do with the fact more and more men seem to have no interest in commitment or starting a family, then? It's not some sort of personal failure that she hasn't been lucky enough to meet someone. I don't know where I personally stand on the issue, but a woman who is financially secure and stable with a support network deciding to have a baby on her own seems a heck of a lot less 'selfish' than many other situations children are born into.

Absolutely and in no way a failure, terrible choice of words.

Daisy78

Daisy78 wrote: »

Absolutely and in no way a failure, terrible choice of words.

Don’t mollycoddle the OP and don’t nitpick my choice of words. The message is clear and the OP invited it. If you have something to say yourself, please do so and extend the basic courtesy of allowing me do likewise.

I fully understand that what I wrote is not pleasant to read, especially for the OP, but from my perspective it’s absolutely true.

Daisy78

JayZeus wrote: »

Daisy78 wrote: »

Absolutely and in no way a failure, terrible choice of words.

Don’t mollycoddle the OP and don’t nitpick my choice of words. The message is clear and the OP invited it. If you have something to say yourself, please do so and extend the basic courtesy of allowing me do likewise.

I fully understand that what I wrote is not pleasant to read, especially for the OP, but from my perspective it’s absolutely true.

But how could you possibly know why the op is single?!! Lots of people meet significant others, many more don't and a lot of that depends on circumstance and not any personal failure on the part of the person involved! And I would apply that line of thinking to both men and women.

Op it sounds like you have given this a good bit of thought. From a financial perspective you seem to be well capable of supporting a child on your own. I think the only downside is the lack of emotional support available to you, particularly when things get tough. I have plenty of friends who have kids and they find it tough even with partners and extended family. Do you have a supportive at work of friends you could rely on when the time calls for it?

zapper55

Yeah I have a few that have gone above and beyond for me in the past and while I wouldn't like to rely on any one person to regularly do it, I would be fairly certain if I was having a particularly hard time of it they'd be over to babysit or even just make me a cuppa. More than one has been very strong with offers of support already. To be fair I've a fantastic bunch of friends.

And that's not even including my family who would be thrilled with a second baby in the family.

But I'm not counting on anyone's support, I realise all sick days etc will be carried by me. Tho having seen how it works with colleagues, women seem to bear the brunt of that anyway so I'd be doing it, perhaps just with no resentment that a partner couldn't.

The_Honeybadger

Metroid diorteM wrote: »

Check with some of your support network first This may seem embarrassing but raising a kid is a tremendous challenge, even with a loving partner. You may be surprised by their answers.

As someone who thought they had a robust support network but then watched them all conveniently excuse themselves out of everything I have my doubts about how much responsibility others can be expected to provide.

Providing for a childs every emotional and practical need every hour of every day for decades is hard. It’s basically the end of your existing life.

I would second this caution. We thought we had a great support network through my inlaws when we had kids but it proved to be quite unreliable, to the point where we stopped asking for help unless we were desperately stuck. Don’t get me wrong, their extended family love them to bits and were great at times, but they helped out on their terms when it suited them, making it difficult to plan anything. Kids are huge work when they are small and there were times they didn’t feel like doing it, which is totally understandable.

Our kids are a bit older now and more independent so there is very little minding in them any more, and we now get regular offers to take them places etc. We went through some tough years though. Do not base plans around a support network unless you are absolutely sure it is there and everyone understands what their role is.

Edit: just saw your last post OP, but I think the advice still stands, plan for minimal help and whatever you get is a bonus. Btw myself and my wife take turns on the sick days, some employers are more tolerant of this kind of thing than others, I do project based work and can work from home on these days, many of my colleagues do this too. If children are in crèche the amount of stuff they pick up is crazy

Sleepy

zapper55 wrote: »

My job is quite senior but the hours are fine, I can work at home when the child is gone to bed if needs be but considering my commute I’d probably see him/her as much if not more than some of my peers.

Given the wage gap between single professional women and those who are parents, I'd encourage you to factor the possibility that your current position may not be around forever (what job is these days?) and that your income may be adversely affected in future. So, when doing your sums, stress test yourself: could you cover the mortgage and bills and provide for this child on say half your current income?

I'm not against the idea of parenting alone, in fact as someone who married a single mother myself, I'd suggest there are positives to this course of action for any future prospective partner (there not being a permanent tie to an ex with all the complications that can bring).

rainbowtrout

zapper55 wrote: »

Re the birth cert, that would be something I’d have to defer to the father/sperm donor on. If he wished to be on it I’d welcome that.

You probably need to do some more research on the donation process.

All donations are anonymous in the sense that you don't get the names and contact details of the donors.

In the context of donation, anonymous means you and your child will never know the identity of the donor. Where the donor has consented to being identified it means that the child can go through a process with the IVF clinic/sperm bank when they are 18 and contact their biological father, as the donor has consented to this at the time of donation.

You will not be listing a father on the birth cert either way.

LoMismo

I’m a guy in my late 30s who has been single for a while. I’ve just accepted I’ll never be a father now as I never met anyone since and can’t see it happening again. If I was having a kid I’d want to make it with someone else, maybe it’s different for women, and having one alone isn’t an option for blokes. OP have you asked yourself why you think a child is necessary to feel fulfilled? I’m living quite a nice life without any.

zapper55

Sleepy I have put provisions in place income wise so I'd be ok, but still a point worth making.

Rainbowtrout, yes fair point

LoMismo it's not that I don't feel fulfilled, but I suppose it boils down to a biological urge. To be pregnant, carry a child, hopefully breastfeed him/her, love and do my best with them , laugh and play with them , comfort it through sleepless nights or when they've had their heart broken or are sick. Sure why does most people want children, we'd all be in trouble if many people didn't have the urge.

Addle

I have a friend with a useless spouse who envies single parents.

LoMismo

zapper55 wrote: »

Sleepy I have put provisions in place income wise so I'd be ok, but still a point worth making.

Rainbowtrout, yes fair point

LoMismo it's not that I don't feel fulfilled, but I suppose it boils down to a biological urge. To be pregnant, carry a child, hopefully breastfeed him/her, love and do my best with them , laugh and play with them , comfort it through sleepless nights or when they've had their heart broken or are sick. Sure why does most people want children, we'd all be in trouble if many people didn't have the urge.

We wouldn’t really be in trouble as the world is overpopulated anyway and we’re on a one way ticket to self destruction! The best thing you can do for the planet is not to have kids. But that’s for another thread.
Well I guess from a male perspective the way I look at it is - I never met anyone so I won’t be having kids. I have been in love before and wanted to have kids with them some day. For me it was about creating someone with the woman I love. I guess as a female you have biological urges and can get preg whenever you want. It’s not an option for men so maybe easier to accept it’ll never happen.

ford2600

OP if the drive is that strong I'd be inclined to do it just make sure you have the support for the pregnancy and for after.

Get a guardian sorted also, it is a real commitment for any potential candidates.

I think you are brilliant to take it on and it is the opposite of selfish. Stop comparing yourself to the perfect family and just be as good as you can at building your own.

We have an 11 month old boy who took 7 years of heart break to have, I've never been as busy, less time for hobbies,slept less but he is a complete joy.

If you want it as much as described you will probably be awesome. It won't be easy, but what is worthwhile in life is?

All the best

LegacyUser

Op,
I would say go for it, sometimes we can over think things far too much in life. You seem to have a lot of financial stability which in my opinion is the most important requirement for being a parent.
It's unfortunate you would be working full time but that unfortunately seems to be the way of parents now a days. I've worked with children (I still do) and have worked in plenty of creches some of them considered by parents really good and highly recommended. They are just soul destroying places, no child deserves to be put in one of them and my baby wouldn't ever be going near one of them in the future. Have you considered a child minder or an au pair instead. The au pair (if a live in) would be there full time to support you.
Having a child alone is something I will be doing without doubt if I am not in a stable relationship by the time I am in my early 30s. Medical reasons why I would have to do it before mid or late 30s. I am only in my 20s now and saving like mad incase this does happen so I can give up work or go part time.
Also as you have a niece I am sure you are not an only child. My parents have properties and money and want these to stay in the family, hence why an heir is required. That may not be an issue for you but think about your own money and savings, in the future wouldn't you like that to pass to your child in the event of your death (that's morbid I know).
At the moment I work with disadvantaged children, some who are neglected. These children all have a mammy and a daddy who live in the same house, however they don't have a great life.
Best of luck with whatever you decide

noble00

Definitely I think it's a good idea it's obvious that you want a baby , you are in a position money wise , don't worry about not having a dad in the child life as others have said lots of kids don't have dads around and do just fine , maybe you could first get checked over health wise and if a good bill of health then really put your head down and go for it , I think if you don't you may regret it , I'm sure there will be loads of male figures in your child's life , if not uncles there will be teachers , coaches , your kid will do just fine . Best of luck whatever you decide.

fishy_fishy

My own view would be to go for it. You're in a position to do it. Don't look back and regret not having a child. Plenty of people have kids unintentionally in way less than ideal circumstances and still manage to give their children everything they need.

Clickbait

I can't believe there's so much people telling the OP to go for it. It's a very selfish thing to do. You want your dad to be a father figure when no one else is around even though you realise he's getting older. I think you're looking for a fairytale love story by giving timeframes by getting to know a guy for at least two years before hand. It's a completely different situation with a dead beat dad or one night stands. That's just my opinion.

suicide_circus

It's selfish but most decisions are. Youre unlikely to regret having the child, some parents do but not usually in cases of ivf etc. The child will be fatherless for its whole life, for some this is never a problem, for some it's something that effects them their whole lives.

Addle

suicide_circus wrote: »

The child will be fatherless for its whole life

Maybe or maybe not.