Considering having a baby by myself

zapper55

I'm a single woman in her late thirties and I'm seriously considering going down the artificial insemination route to have a child. I'm very financially stable, own house, good support network, could hire a doula/nurse for after the birth to give me a hand so though I can imagine how tough it will be, I think it I'd be ok.

But the thing I can't get my head around is that I'd be consciously deciding not to have their dad in their life. I'd go for the insemination option that allows contact when the child is 18 but still.

I've been strongly considering this for two years, and seeing my niece arrive has only strengthened my feelings on this. I had hoped that I'd meet someone and we'd both want a baby but that hasn't happened. Even if I met a guy now, I think I'd need to get to know them properly for two + years before I could consider having a baby with them. And even then there's no guarantees that we'd be together then. And i might run out of time to have a baby. I realise there are women having babies in their early forties but I think it's a risk to wait.

My dad would be a brilliant role model but he's getting older and wouldn't be fair to rely on him to be the only father figure.

I know there's a chance I could meet someone after I have a baby but for a few reasons that would be much harder to happen. Not least because from what I see on online dating, most prefer someone without kids.

So yeah. Sorry about the stream of consciousness I put this here rather than the parenting forum because I would like to hear the views of single guys in particular. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for.

Airyfairy12

Lots of single parents raise happy, healthy, well rounded children. If its what you want then do it. The other option could be adopting.

fineso.mom

A close friend has done this. She has a beautiful son who is surrounded by uncles , aunts and cousins who adore him. It was a huge decision but she was in a good financial position, healthy and had lots of support . She has never been happier.

The_Honeybadger

Raising a child is tough work for the first couple of years especially but you seem to have all the necessary supports in place so if it is something you really want go for it.

In terms of dating I am married but if I was single I would have no issue with someone having a child already. A good friend of mine is in this situation with his gf and is very happy.

I think the stigma of the single parent is nowhere near what it once was, especially when you are financially independent and not looking for the proverbial ‘free house’.

Chloedancer

My daughter who is 15 now has never met her father. I cut all contact with him because he was controlling, violent, and in the end a rapist. Completely different circumstances, I know, but from her point of view the situation is similar. I have told her very little except his name, the country he came from and that if she wants to trace him when she is 18 that will be her choice.

Not having a father in her life has caused her a lot of pain and anxiety. She has a lot of issues around abandonment and is attending counselling for these. She worries that he might be dead or that if she goes to look for him he will reject her. She has a lot of sadness that she has grandparents and aunts that don't know she exists. She has father figures on my side. My dad and brothers adore her and she has them wrapped around her little finger but it's not the same.

It causes me a lot of pain and guilt to see her like this. Don't get me wrong she is for the most part happy and we're very close. It's just that this is always there in the background and every so often it comes up and I find her crying, or she'll have a panic attack and afterwards this is what she'll want to talk about. I know part of her blames me even though she doesn't say it.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go ahead. I would never change having her and I understand the feeling of wanting a baby - I would give anything for another baby but my circumstances and age (nearly 41) mean it's very unlikely. Just if it was me I'd want to go into it with my eyes wide open.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

On the other side of the above, I also don't know my father and it's really never caused me any distress. I did look for him at 18 but it stemmed from other issues than actually a longing to meet him. It didn't work out and it was almost a relief that I could say I did without having to deal with trying to integrate that whole new relationship into my life.

If you decide to go ahead, you should prepare for issues that may arise, but there are many, many people with one parent who are perfectly happy with it like that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

pc7

If you have the means and support network go for it! There are support networks out there for others who have done the same. Also guidance on how to deal with and explain to the child.
Just visit relationship forum there are plenty of kids living with two parents who fooking hate each other, abuse each other and all the rest. Much better to have one parent who can love and teach you how to grow.
Life is too short for regrets, go for it.

Goose76

There was a documentary on this a while ago on RTE - I think Vogue Williams was the presenter. Very worthwhile watch. Best of luck.

It’s an awful position to put a child in, wilfully.

Augme

JayZeus wrote: »

It’s an awful position to put a child in, wilfully.

:rolleyes: Such bollox.


OP - There are plenty of kids out there who'd have been far better off if their Dad wasn't in their lives.

eviltwin

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this OP. I think, if its what you really want, then you should go for it. Who cares what people say?

Augme

Augme wrote: »

:rolleyes: Such bollox.


OP - There are plenty of kids out there who'd have been far better off if their Dad wasn't in their lives.

And even more who would have been far better off if their Dad was there.

The OP wanting to start a child on life’s path without a father present from day one, by choice and largely because of her failure to find a partner with which she can raise a child, is lamentable.

Absolutely the most selfish of ideas.

Zaph

JayZeus wrote: »

And even more who would have been far better off if their Dad was there.

The OP wanting to start a child on life’s path without a father present from day one, by choice and largely because of her failure to find a partner with which she can raise a child, is lamentable.

Absolutely the most selfish of ideas.

I would hope that you're never in the position where you go looking for advice and some nameless individual on the internet decides to be negatively judgemental about your life and choices without knowing anything at all about your circumstances. Or in other words, unless you have something useful to contribute stop being such a dick.

Zaph

Zaph wrote: »

I would hope that you're never in the position where you go looking for advice and some nameless individual on the internet decides to be negatively judgemental about your life and choices without knowing anything at all about your circumstances. Or in other words, unless you have something useful to contribute stop being such a dick.

Read the OP again.

zapper55 wrote: »

....But the thing I can't get my head around is that I'd be consciously deciding not to have their dad in their life.....

So yeah. Sorry about the stream of consciousness I put this here rather than the parenting forum because I would like to hear the views of single guys in particular. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for.

My comments stand.

amdublin

Op sounds like you would provide the best family that you can for a baby/child.

Ps. Families come in all shapes and sizes

SimpleDimples

Life unfortunately doesn't go to plan. In an ideal world, we would all meet someone when it suits and have children when we wished.

Sounds like you've given it a lot of thought and have the finances, stability and support to do this. Maybe check the trying to convieve forum to see of anyone has been through the same experience.

Imo, a child needs love and security - whether that comes from one parent (intentionally or otherwise), a couple, straight or gay, young or old is not important - a wanted child who is loved will have all they need.

368100

Im a single guy in late 30s, good job, good family and have thought about this myself.....obviously its harder for guys to do but given the opportunity id jump at it.

December2012

JayZeus wrote: »

It’s an awful position to put a child in, wilfully.

Actually OP I think if you're going to be a single parent, doing it wilfully is the much better option. You will be able to tell your child how much you wanted to have them, and that you were lucky that there was a service available where men could provide what you needed in order to help you have the child you really wanted. So there is no abandonment. There is no dad leaving after a pregnancy test, when nights get too tough, or parenting is just hard.

There are no rows, there is no custody disputes, no wondering if Daddy will see her/ him this weekend.

Just a child and their mother having a great relationship, with all the ups and downs that involves.

Not a woman who has been left by a lover, or who couldn't get on with their boyfriend, or who was in a bad relationship.

Instead it is a grown woman, financially independent, aware of what she wants, and going into everything with eyes open.

Addle

So many couples have children without thinking of the implications for the children.

I think it's all down to money OP, as crude as that seems.
If you can afford the best for your baby, and in 20 years still afford the best for your college going child, then go for it.

silverharp

if you have a back up guardian i'd say go for it.

mel.b

OP, i’m in a similar situation to you, (very!) late 30’s, financially stable, single etc. i’ve thought about going down the route you are but I’ve decided against it. My reasoning and thinking for this was -
- I’d have to go back to work full time after mat leave. While creches & childminders are great i didn’t want my child to see more of them than they would me...essentially they would be raised by someone else, having to be in childcare from 8.30-5.30 5 days a week. I wouldn’t like to be a stay at home mum, but the option of going part-time would have been appealing and is what all my friends who have babies have done.

- when the child got older, who would be able to take them to afterschool activities, lessons etc if I’m still in work? Again from colleagues who have kids it seems many of these start earlier after school rather than 5pm onwards

- unlike you, i don’t have a well developed support network around me as my family all live in Australia, so i really would be doing it all by myself. I’d have to take days off work if the child was sick etc as i wouldn’t have anyone else to mind them. Or if I’m sick, there’s no one to fall back on.

- I work in the disability field and given my age and family history (nephew 1 with ASD, niece with a Chromosomal disorder) for me, thats not a risk I’m prepared to take. I’ve seen first hand the stress having a child with a disability has on families and its much harder when you are by yourself. Maybe it’s selfish, but i’m not going to put myself in that situation.

So, just another side of the coin OP. Maybe more food for thought. I wish you all the very best with your decision and the future if you make the decision to have a child.

Permabear

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TheBoyConor

Hi OP. Of course this is your decision to make and I can sympathise with your position but my own personal opinion would be that if I were in your position i would be against having a baby solo.
I believe a child should have the opportunity to have 2 loving parents. Of course this sometimes doesn't work out, the couple break up, the father is a deadbeat etc, but at the outset the child would still have had a fair opportunity to have 2 parents whether it works out or not. I feel that deciding to have a baby solo is knowingly outrightly taking away the opportunity for the child to have a dad from day one. I don't think that is fair on the child.
As you say, you have ample resources to raise a child, great job, big money and a fine house. But to have got this I also assume you have a pretty high flying career, yes? You would have to also consider that, having such a career, will you actually have the time resources available to actually be an effectual hands on single parent to the baby rather than having to outsource parenting to hired help such as the nannies and doulas you have mentioned.

Permabear

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LolaJJ

Hey OP,

This is probably a slightly divisive issue. You seem like an educated and informed person who has put a good amount of thought in to this. The issue I would have with a lot of the comments is that your situation is being compared with a 2-parent family without any real insights in to any facts.

There are babies born every day to 2 parents who are too young, on drugs, on social welfare, in situations of violence or domestic abuse - this list goes on forever.

Bringing a baby in to a world where you can offer unconditional love, stability and adequate financial support is the very minimum of what you *should* be able to provide - but even that is anavailable to so many children.


It's really not about how many parents a child has.

TheBoyConor

I'm just wondering what would be recorded on the birth certificate for the father when a child is born in this way? Donor? Anonymous? Unknown? Or would it be left blank?

clairewithani

OP in an ideal world every child would have 2 loving parents, a beautiful home, enough money etc. But life is not always like that. My daughter is a single parent. She didn't plan her son, she struggled with the decision to keep him, she had money worries. But keep him she did and he is loved and doted on. You can offer your child a good home and plenty of love. Many children are not so lucky as yours will be.

TheBoyConor

Claire & LolaJJ,

I appreciate that there are kids born every day who turn out to not end up with ideal family circumstances, absent fathers, broken homes etc etc.
But the difference is that at the outset they all had a fair opportunity of having a father.
What is different about the OP is that she would be knowingly, and deliberately planning to remove even the possibility of an involved father for the baby.
I don't believe that this would be morally justified.

Tokyo

Mod: I appreciate that this is a divisive issue, but the OP did ask for all opinions. While you are welcome to put forward your opinion, please don't use the thread as an excuse to have a pop at those who don't share your particular view.

Permabear

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LolaJJ

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Claire & LolaJJ,


What is different about the OP is that she would be knowingly, and deliberately planning to remove even the possibility of an involved father for the baby.
I don't believe that this would be morally justified.

Well, that's impossible to predict. The OP didn't state that she would never have a relationship ever again. She was just stating that if she remained single she feels she would cope and the baby would have adequate role models.

My opinion is that people who aren't hurting anyone else should be allowed to make these decisions without facing judgment. I believe the OP can provide a supportive and loving environment for the baby which is more important to the child's development both emotionally and otherwise than a lot of fathers

elbyrneo

Ignore labels. What does a child really need? A stable loving caring environment that guides and supports and nurtures their well being and development. Can you give the child that?

Ignore ideals. There is no such thing. Always a better set of circumstances no matter who you are, whether a single parent, same sex marriage, wealthy or poor. Just go back to this - can you give the child what it needs.

Ignore your needs for a minute.Can you sacrifice or put in hold (to some degree only of course) your dreams and aspirations and prioritise the child and what it needs.

Only you can answer this honestly, and maybe with the guidance and counsel of friends and family who know you best. Speak to your family - their support will be key whatever decision you take and their reaction will tell you a lot.

TheBoyConor

Sure that is possible that a father figure will step in but I still think it is not ideal. There's no harm in non-ideal circumstances where they come about by chance, turn of life but I do feel that it morally wrong to deliberately set out to create such a set-up.

Permabear

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elbyrneo

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Sure that is possible that a father figure will step in but I still think it is not this "ideal". There's no harm in non-ideal circumstances where they come about by chance, turn of life but I do feel that it morally wrong to deliberately set out to create such a set-up.

So would you be against same sex parents? Against people from poor socio economic backgrounds having children? They make deliberate choices to have children knowing it's not ideal.

Think it's more important to forget labels and consider what a child truly needs and if a parent or parents can (with support) meet those needs.

LolaJJ

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Sure that is possible that a father figure will step in but I still think it is not ideal. There's no harm in non-ideal circumstances where they come about by chance, turn of life but I do feel that it morally wrong to deliberately set out to create such a set-up.

@TheBoyConor

I have a question. It's a little off-topic but I am genuinely interested to understand your point of view a little better.

Can you advise which is the ideal situation A, B or C. Which baby would you rather be?

A) The OP's question. A financially stable single person has a baby alone.

A Couple, both teenagers and unemployed, living with their respective parents in social housing have a baby.

C) A Couple, both have good jobs and financial security - but the relationship has a long history of domestic violence have a baby.

woodchuck

If everyone waited for circumstances to be 100% ideal to have a baby, the human race would die out very quickly!

OP I think you're very brave to consider this. Personally I think if this is something you really want and have the means to do so, then you should go for it.

TheBoyConor

It is OT but I will oblige.
In my opinion I don't believe any of those scenarios are great situations to purposely bring a baby into. If it happens unplanned or whatever, well that's life and one deals with it as best one can. I think a conscious decision to have a baby should be made by a stable, loving couple.

Elbyrneo, your Q is veering way off topic with talk of same sex marriages etc so my opinion on that is not really relevant at all.

elbyrneo

TheBoyConor wrote: »

It is OT but I will oblige.

Elbyrneo, your Q is veering way off topic with talk of same sex marriages etc so my opinion on that is not really relevant at all.

Yeah fair enough. My angle was to determine if you had the typical idealistic value of traditional parents and that knowingly someone should not bring a child into the world without those ideals in place. To be honest I have the very same ideals.

But ideals are just that. What's more important is reality and what the child would need regardless of ideals and labels. Yes it might not be perfect but the OP doesn't live in a perfect world, nor does any kid in the world.....

Metroid diorteM

Check with some of your support network first This may seem embarrassing but raising a kid is a tremendous challenge, even with a loving partner. You may be surprised by their answers.

As someone who thought they had a robust support network but then watched them all conveniently excuse themselves out of everything I have my doubts about how much responsibility others can be expected to provide.

Providing for a childs every emotional and practical need every hour of every day for decades is hard. It’s basically the end of your existing life.

zapper55

Thanks a million for all the feedback. I’m obviously not going to base my decision on this thread but the people I’ve told have been hugely positive so I wanted to get more objective responses from people that don’t know me.

Regarding it being lamentable, yes it probably is. Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned unfortunately. I left a rather toxic relationship a few years ago and until it got bad I would have seen myself having children with him. I am so grateful that didn’t happen as both myself and any children would now be living in a very tense difficult environment.

A doula helps someone before and immediately after giving birth, think someone confused them for something else. Regarding a nanny, that’s quite an Amercian term, but yes I’d be using a creche or a childminder. Just like every other couple I know

My job is quite senior but the hours are fine, I can work at home when the child is gone to bed if needs be but considering my commute I’d probably see him/her as much if not more than some of my peers.

Re the birth cert, that would be something I’d have to defer to the father/sperm donor on. If he wished to be on it I’d welcome that.

That’s an interesting point about sacrificing my dreams etc for a child. I wanted a baby before my niece arrived but the love I feel for her is incredible. I’d lay down my life for her and do anything for her. The strength of love for her has taken me by surprise actually. I’ve done a huge amount with my life already so what I’d be sacrificing would be my social life and any time for myself, which I’m as mentally prepared for as anybody can be.

While my support network would be there for the odd play dates and maybe call over every now and then I wouldn’t be hugely relying on them as of course they have their own families and lives.

Thanks for the programme and article recommendations. I’d come across a few of them already.

shesty

This post above.
We have small kids, family nearby.But it's a hard, hard job and first and foremost it is our job.My parents have raised their kids, I can't ask them to raise mine.And my in-laws are a bit older, so very willing but in small doses, as they have their own responsibilities with elderly family members and the kids are a lot for them to take on.My siblings have their own lives.Everyone helps ,but it's us that have to take the days off, juggle the doctor's appointments, childminder, playschool pick up/drop offs etc.We both work, I'd like my three year old to do ballet or gymnastics-I've ruled most of them out for now because they tend to be at 2/3/4pm on a working day,and we aren't home.
I won't say no or yes to your suggestion OP but even with two of us, I just want to escape for a half an hour every so often (and that can be every weekend in the winter!!), at least I can turn to my OH and say I need to run to the shop/get my hair cut/need an hour to buy some clothes for myself.You won't have that support without having to call someone and see what suits them.It is a 24/7 job for years, can you do it by yourself??Is your job somewhat accommodating in working hours, leave etc?? And for all that it's great to have one happy parent over two unhappy ones, it's not much good if your one parent can't get any sort of a break sometime, because believe me, you need it.
And your social life ceases to exist for the first few years.Just how it is.

irishrebe

JayZeus wrote: »

Augme wrote: »

:rolleyes: Such bollox.


OP - There are plenty of kids out there who'd have been far better off if their Dad wasn't in their lives.

And even more who would have been far better off if their Dad was there.  

The OP wanting to start a child on life’s path without a father present from day one, by choice and largely because of her failure to find a partner with which she can raise a child, is lamentable.

Absolutely the most selfish of ideas.

Her 'failure' to find a partner? I love how you put it all on the woman there. Nothing to do with the fact more and more men seem to have no interest in commitment or starting a family, then? It's not some sort of personal failure that she hasn't been lucky enough to meet someone. I don't know where I personally stand on the issue, but a woman who is financially secure and stable with a support network deciding to have a baby on her own seems a heck of a lot less 'selfish' than many other situations children are born into.

Daisy78

irishrebe wrote: »

JayZeus wrote: »

Augme wrote: »

:rolleyes: Such bollox.


OP - There are plenty of kids out there who'd have been far better off if their Dad wasn't in their lives.

And even more who would have been far better off if their Dad was there.  

The OP wanting to start a child on life’s path without a father present from day one, by choice and largely because of her failure to find a partner with which she can raise a child, is lamentable.

Absolutely the most selfish of ideas.

Her 'failure' to find a partner? I love how you put it all on the woman there. Nothing to do with the fact more and more men seem to have no interest in commitment or starting a family, then? It's not some sort of personal failure that she hasn't been lucky enough to meet someone. I don't know where I personally stand on the issue, but a woman who is financially secure and stable with a support network deciding to have a baby on her own seems a heck of a lot less 'selfish' than many other situations children are born into.

Absolutely and in no way a failure, terrible choice of words.

Daisy78

Daisy78 wrote: »

Absolutely and in no way a failure, terrible choice of words.

Don’t mollycoddle the OP and don’t nitpick my choice of words. The message is clear and the OP invited it. If you have something to say yourself, please do so and extend the basic courtesy of allowing me do likewise.

I fully understand that what I wrote is not pleasant to read, especially for the OP, but from my perspective it’s absolutely true.

Daisy78

JayZeus wrote: »

Daisy78 wrote: »

Absolutely and in no way a failure, terrible choice of words.

Don’t mollycoddle the OP and don’t nitpick my choice of words. The message is clear and the OP invited it. If you have something to say yourself, please do so and extend the basic courtesy of allowing me do likewise.

I fully understand that what I wrote is not pleasant to read, especially for the OP, but from my perspective it’s absolutely true.

But how could you possibly know why the op is single?!! Lots of people meet significant others, many more don't and a lot of that depends on circumstance and not any personal failure on the part of the person involved! And I would apply that line of thinking to both men and women.

Op it sounds like you have given this a good bit of thought. From a financial perspective you seem to be well capable of supporting a child on your own. I think the only downside is the lack of emotional support available to you, particularly when things get tough. I have plenty of friends who have kids and they find it tough even with partners and extended family. Do you have a supportive at work of friends you could rely on when the time calls for it?

zapper55

Yeah I have a few that have gone above and beyond for me in the past and while I wouldn't like to rely on any one person to regularly do it, I would be fairly certain if I was having a particularly hard time of it they'd be over to babysit or even just make me a cuppa. More than one has been very strong with offers of support already. To be fair I've a fantastic bunch of friends.

And that's not even including my family who would be thrilled with a second baby in the family.

But I'm not counting on anyone's support, I realise all sick days etc will be carried by me. Tho having seen how it works with colleagues, women seem to bear the brunt of that anyway so I'd be doing it, perhaps just with no resentment that a partner couldn't.

The_Honeybadger

Metroid diorteM wrote: »

Check with some of your support network first This may seem embarrassing but raising a kid is a tremendous challenge, even with a loving partner. You may be surprised by their answers.

As someone who thought they had a robust support network but then watched them all conveniently excuse themselves out of everything I have my doubts about how much responsibility others can be expected to provide.

Providing for a childs every emotional and practical need every hour of every day for decades is hard. It’s basically the end of your existing life.

I would second this caution. We thought we had a great support network through my inlaws when we had kids but it proved to be quite unreliable, to the point where we stopped asking for help unless we were desperately stuck. Don’t get me wrong, their extended family love them to bits and were great at times, but they helped out on their terms when it suited them, making it difficult to plan anything. Kids are huge work when they are small and there were times they didn’t feel like doing it, which is totally understandable.

Our kids are a bit older now and more independent so there is very little minding in them any more, and we now get regular offers to take them places etc. We went through some tough years though. Do not base plans around a support network unless you are absolutely sure it is there and everyone understands what their role is.

Edit: just saw your last post OP, but I think the advice still stands, plan for minimal help and whatever you get is a bonus. Btw myself and my wife take turns on the sick days, some employers are more tolerant of this kind of thing than others, I do project based work and can work from home on these days, many of my colleagues do this too. If children are in crèche the amount of stuff they pick up is crazy

Sleepy

zapper55 wrote: »

My job is quite senior but the hours are fine, I can work at home when the child is gone to bed if needs be but considering my commute I’d probably see him/her as much if not more than some of my peers.

Given the wage gap between single professional women and those who are parents, I'd encourage you to factor the possibility that your current position may not be around forever (what job is these days?) and that your income may be adversely affected in future. So, when doing your sums, stress test yourself: could you cover the mortgage and bills and provide for this child on say half your current income?

I'm not against the idea of parenting alone, in fact as someone who married a single mother myself, I'd suggest there are positives to this course of action for any future prospective partner (there not being a permanent tie to an ex with all the complications that can bring).

rainbowtrout

zapper55 wrote: »

Re the birth cert, that would be something I’d have to defer to the father/sperm donor on. If he wished to be on it I’d welcome that.

You probably need to do some more research on the donation process.

All donations are anonymous in the sense that you don't get the names and contact details of the donors.

In the context of donation, anonymous means you and your child will never know the identity of the donor. Where the donor has consented to being identified it means that the child can go through a process with the IVF clinic/sperm bank when they are 18 and contact their biological father, as the donor has consented to this at the time of donation.

You will not be listing a father on the birth cert either way.

LoMismo

I’m a guy in my late 30s who has been single for a while. I’ve just accepted I’ll never be a father now as I never met anyone since and can’t see it happening again. If I was having a kid I’d want to make it with someone else, maybe it’s different for women, and having one alone isn’t an option for blokes. OP have you asked yourself why you think a child is necessary to feel fulfilled? I’m living quite a nice life without any.