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Riddled with Regret

2

Comments

  • #32
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    fits wrote: »
    I recently had to choose between two jobs and can understand the what if’s. It’s really difficult. But once a decision is made and well considered you need to draw a line under it. It sounds like you are having difficulty with this. Something like cognitive behavioral therapy could really help.
    Well considered is the issue, i definetely didnt consider it enough.Should i see a pyschologist or a councellor ? ?


  • #33
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I'm sorry but none of us are qualified medical professionals who can advise you on this. Ask your GP.


  • #34
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    I'm sorry but none of us are qualified medical professionals who can advise you on this. Ask your GP.
    I actually dont have one


  • #35
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    So who prescribed the antidepressants you decided you didn't want to take?


  • #36
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    So who prescribed the antidepressants you decided you didn't want to take?
    Sorry, that was a doctor in my local surgery but she has since left. I only went to see her once. I have made an appointment with another counsellor tonight


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  • #37
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    Malayalam wrote: »
    If you got seriously ill you would have to deal with it.
    If a beloved person got ill or died you would have to deal with it.
    If your company went bust you would have to deal with it.
    If your house burned down and all your possessions evaporated you would have to deal with it.
    Put your job in perspective - it's not even in the big league of things in life. It sounds like you have enough money to be going on with, half the worlds population don't even have the guarantee of enough food.
    I suggest regular laughter - at yourself, your job, your conundrums, and with your family

    It's going to be fine
    I agree but none of those things would be done by me voluntarily. This is the issue. I have put myself here of my own free will


  • #38
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    You seem to think you can solve all of this straight away. You can't. Antidepressants take time. Counselling takes time. You sound like you're in a very bad place mentally and you need help. But you've got to be willing to meet it half way instead of throwing the options aside straight away because they're not fixing you on the spot.

    If your GP feels you need antidepressants for now, then work with him/her to find one that suits you. And give them time to work. Ask your GP how long you need to take them before they become effective.

    As for the counsellor, try a different one if you think this lady didn't do it for you. Though going by the way you're posting here, it could take a while to get through to you. You're all over the place, frantic, very wound up and deeply unhappy. I'm not sure how much any of us on this thread can help you, I'm afraid.
    Is it not rational to be all over the place ? I am down 10k per year plus some benefits ? I know we have enough money thankfully and my wife and son are fine but is this not a disaster that will ruin the rest of my career ?


  • #39
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    No of course it's not a disaster. 
    I was a contractor in that sector for years, sometimes salary goes up, sometimes it goes down, them's the breaks. 
    You said you feel you have nothing to learn, well I tell you right now you do. You need to learn how to cope with change, because you clearly don't have that skill yet!

    Your future career will now have two decent companies on it instead of one. Good.
    You'll have a wider range of industry contacts. Good
    You'll learn more skills. Good.

    Mind yourself, do a good job where you are, concentrate on progression where you are, instead of grovelling back to the other crowd.

    Oh yeah, New motto, regret nothing.


  • #40
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    pwurple wrote: »
    No of course it's not a disaster. 
    I was a contractor in that sector for years, sometimes salary goes up, sometimes it goes down, them's the breaks. 
    You said you feel you have nothing to learn, well I tell you right now you do. You need to learn how to cope with change, because you clearly don't have that skill yet!

    Your future career will now have two decent companies on it instead of one. Good.
    You'll have a wider range of industry contacts. Good
    You'll learn more skills. Good.

    Mind yourself, do a good job where you are, concentrate on progression where you are, instead of grovelling back to the other crowd.

    Oh yeah, New motto, regret nothing.
    I have never been able to deal with change, i think its because of the fact that i need to control stuff.  The place i am in now doesnt really have any progression opportunities whereas company A most certainly did and would be the biggest private IT company in the world with a major presence in Ireland
    So it certainly feels like a disaster
    Im on the verge of looking for new jobs again, is that panic ???


  • #41
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Self love? How?

    Sit still. And close your eyes. And breath in through your nose. And out through your mouth, and tell yourself everything will be ok. Youve got to change your mindset. This again takes time and practice.

    Be in just that moment. Slow things down. Clench a fist and dig your nail a little into your plam. Feel what that feels like. Rub your head, feel what that feels like. Be in that moment where you can feel something other than anxiety.

    And think about what you do have. And give thanks for what you do have. And give thanks to yourself for making that decision. Be kind to yourself. You did your best.

    If you keep repeating the above, it will come more naturally how to cope.


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  • #42
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    sunnyday1234 wrote: »
    pwurple wrote: »
    No of course it's not a disaster. 
    I was a contractor in that sector for years, sometimes salary goes up, sometimes it goes down, them's the breaks. 
    You said you feel you have nothing to learn, well I tell you right now you do. You need to learn how to cope with change, because you clearly don't have that skill yet!

    Your future career will now have two decent companies on it instead of one. Good.
    You'll have a wider range of industry contacts. Good
    You'll learn more skills. Good.

    Mind yourself, do a good job where you are, concentrate on progression where you are, instead of grovelling back to the other crowd.

    Oh yeah, New motto, regret nothing.
    I have never been able to deal with change, i think its because of the fact that i need to control stuff.  The place i am in now doesnt really have any progression opportunities whereas company A most certainly did and would be the biggest private IT company in the world with a major presence in Ireland
    So it certainly feels like a disaster
    Im on the verge of looking for new jobs again, is that panic ???
    Yes it is panic. And don't flip again for goodness sake. What would that get you? Same place again, more change, but now looking like a flight risk.  The industry is small. cool your jets for a few months.  Learn to deal with the change instead of running away. 
    Every job has progression, maybe not what you expect. Companies grow, you grow. Take on some study opportunities if the job is so easy peasy for you. Develop yourself. Do some running etc.


  • #43
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    pwurple wrote: »
    sunnyday1234 wrote: »
    pwurple wrote: »
    No of course it's not a disaster. 
    I was a contractor in that sector for years, sometimes salary goes up, sometimes it goes down, them's the breaks. 
    You said you feel you have nothing to learn, well I tell you right now you do. You need to learn how to cope with change, because you clearly don't have that skill yet!

    Your future career will now have two decent companies on it instead of one. Good.
    You'll have a wider range of industry contacts. Good
    You'll learn more skills. Good.

    Mind yourself, do a good job where you are, concentrate on progression where you are, instead of grovelling back to the other crowd.

    Oh yeah, New motto, regret nothing.
    I have never been able to deal with change, i think its because of the fact that i need to control stuff.  The place i am in now doesnt really have any progression opportunities whereas company A most certainly did and would be the biggest private IT company in the world with a major presence in Ireland
    So it certainly feels like a disaster
    Im on the verge of looking for new jobs again, is that panic ???
    Yes it is panic. And don't flip again for goodness sake. What would that get you? Same place again, more change, but now looking like a flight risk.  The industry is small. cool your jets for a few months.  Learn to deal with the change instead of running away. 
    Every job has progression, maybe not what you expect. Companies grow, you grow. Take on some study opportunities if the job is so easy peasy for you. Develop yourself. Do some running etc.
    But every perk in this new company is worse than my original company, training / health care etc and thats what is killing me with regret. I wouldnt say the job is easy peasy at all, there is some stuff that i would learn alright. I had an interview lined up for tomorrow morning and just wasnt going to tell them about my first mistake and say their job is a dream job and thats why i was looking to apply (kind of would be a dream job but i suppose it could come around again)
    Would you still sit tight and learn to deal with the change ?

    BTW this isnt my first job change, i have had a good few positions but this is the first time that i have gone back in money and benefits to a company that just feels worse than my one in Company A so thats where the regret is coming from i think


  • #44
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    As an employer, if the 'perks' are your highest concern, I'd be less than impressed to be honest. That's not how you build a career. 
    If it's a better job in terms of experience etc... sure, but if the "dream job" is just one that comes with healthcare tacked on it's another story. 
    How are you going to explain your 3 different companies in a very short space of time in that interview? 

    Just think it through fully before making another jump.

    And feck regret. It's just part of your life story. We could all waste our time away to the grave thinking about things we would have done differently. You are where you are.


  • #45
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    pwurple wrote: »
    As an employer, if the 'perks' are your highest concern, I'd be less than impressed to be honest. That's not how you build a career. 
    If it's a better job in terms of experience etc... sure, but if the "dream job" is just one that comes with healthcare tacked on it's another story. 
    How are you going to explain your 3 different companies in a very short space of time in that interview? 

    Just think it through fully before making another jump.

    And feck regret. It's just part of your life story. We could all waste our time away to the grave thinking about things we would have done differently. You are where you are.

    Im not going to mention the middle one. It was 6 weeks and not on my cv


  • #46
    bucketybuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,950 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    What is jumping ship again going to achieve?

    You said you can't get over the regret of leaving the original job and the decisions made since, but moving yet again won't change what happened there, not in the slightest. Is it not just as likely that you will be sitting in company number 4 still feeling exactly the same regrets and the same anxieties, except now you have burned even more bridges and really gained a rep as a job hopper?

    Maybe the next company is offering you more money again, I don't now, but absent further details I can't see how moving yet again is the answer to a single thing you have said in this thread.


  • #47
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    bucketybuck wrote: »
    What is jumping ship again going to achieve?

    You said you can't get over the regret of leaving the original job and the decisions made since, but moving yet again won't change what happened there, not in the slightest. Is it not just as likely that you will be sitting in company number 4 still feeling exactly the same regrets and the same anxieties, except now you have burned even more bridges and really gained a rep as a job hopper?

    Maybe the next company is offering you more money again, I don't now, but absent further details I can't see how moving yet again is the answer to a single thing you have said in this thread.

    They might bring me closer to my salary at the original company or they might have a nicer building and better perks than my current company

    Thankfulky i have only burnt bridges in the company i was with for 6 weeks and they have a tiny presence in ireland and will never cross paths with the people there again


  • #48
    MarleeAndMe
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3 ✭MarleeAndMe


    sunnyday1234 wrote: »
    Am i over reacting ? Please tell i am and normal people wouldn't react like this. All i can see is that my career is over and i will never be happy at work again. Anytime someone says anything in my new office about the company not being great then i almost break down in tears . I feel very low

    You possibly could be over reacting to the current situation but maybe you are because of another under lying issue you may not even be aware of. I’ve gone through something in my life that shouldn’t have bothered me in the slighted but I would get so angry and upset at the smallest thing when in actual fact after going to therapy I pieced the puzzle together. This might be a confusing answer but I hope it helps or gives a sense of relief..


  • #49
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    MarleeAndMe wrote: »
    You possibly could be over reacting to the current situation but maybe you are because of another under lying issue you may not even be aware of. I’ve gone through something in my life that shouldn’t have bothered me in the slighted but I would get so angry and upset at the smallest thing when in actual fact after going to therapy I pieced the puzzle together. This might be a confusing answer but I hope it helps or gives a sense of relief..

    Yeah maybe. Went to councellor tonight who seemed good so will give it the 6 sessions to see how it goes


  • #50
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    you seem to make a lot of decisions in the heat, and then agonise over them after. I think for a while you should just do your job, your present job, and work on your emotional health. Go to your counsellor, try to let your brain switch off. Give time for whatever medication you are thinking of taking to work.

    Do you ever turn off your brain by switching on your body? Go running, lift some weights, whack a ball with a racquet. Do something where your brain gets to rest and your body takes over for a bit.


  • #51
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    December2012 wrote: »
    you seem to make a lot of decisions in the heat, and then agonise over them after.  I think for a while you should just do your job, your present job, and work on your emotional health.  Go to your counsellor, try to let your brain switch off.  Give time for whatever medication you are thinking of taking to work.

    Do you ever turn off your brain by switching on your body?  Go running, lift some weights, whack a ball with a racquet.  Do something where your brain gets to rest and your body takes over for a bit.
    yes im afraid that i do. I was crying on the way into work again this morning and at the desk. I just cannot get over the regret of what i have lost voluntarily. I feel everything is over and a waste of time now. Went to councellor last night and he reckons the meds are a last case resort. I have lots of support from my family which is the only thing getting me through this. I know this is a silly question but is this an over reaction ? If people could actually tell me it was a huge over reaction then maybe i could start to see sense ...

    I used go to the gym regularly and really enjoyed it but now i dont go as i cant face it


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  • #52
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    I also went through something like this in college, i hated it and dropped out of many courses. It was only when starting a course where i was able to live with my aunt and her family that i was able to finish the course and it was a short 2 year one.


  • #53
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    sunnyday1234 wrote: »
    yes im afraid that i do. I was crying on the way into work again this morning and at the desk. I just cannot get over the regret of what i have lost voluntarily. I feel everything is over and a waste of time now. Went to councellor last night and he reckons the meds are a last case resort. I have lots of support from my family which is the only thing getting me through this. I know this is a silly question but is this an over reaction ? If people could actually tell me it was a huge over reaction then maybe i could start to see sense ...

    I used go to the gym regularly and really enjoyed it but now i dont go as i cant face it

    The point is even if everybody tells you its an overreaction, it is your reaction. This is not a "cop yourself on" situation. Even in your message that I quoted you are looking for an external quick fix.

    It is how these set of circumstances has affected you. You seem very burdened, and anxious. You post as if you are at breaking point. The Counselling will help. Medication can help if your medical practitioners advise it. Exercise, sleeping well, will help. Meditation can help.

    You're on a path now. Maybe go see your GP and get your body checked out as well to see if there are any underlying health issues that are affecting your ability to deal with things.

    It takes time.


  • #54
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    December2012 wrote: »
    sunnyday1234 wrote: »
    yes im afraid that i do. I was crying on the way into work again this morning and at the desk. I just cannot get over the regret of what i have lost voluntarily. I feel everything is over and a waste of time now. Went to councellor last night and he reckons the meds are a last case resort. I have lots of support from my family which is the only thing getting me through this. I know this is a silly question but is this an over reaction ? If people could actually tell me it was a huge over reaction then maybe i could start to see sense ...

    I used go to the gym regularly and really enjoyed it but now i dont go as i cant face it

    The point is even if everybody tells you its an overreaction, it is your reaction.  This is not a "cop yourself on" situation.  Even in your message that I quoted you are looking for an external quick fix.

    It is how these set of circumstances has affected you.  You seem very burdened, and anxious.  You post as if you are at breaking point.  The Counselling will help.  Medication can help if your medical practitioners advise it.  Exercise, sleeping well, will help.  Meditation can help.

    You're on a path now.  Maybe go see your GP and get your body checked out as well to see if there are any underlying health issues that are affecting your ability to deal with things.

    It takes time.
    I am at breaking point. I am contacting family all day looking for help and my wife and child are ready to walk out on me. When i went into this job my wife said are you 100% sure you will be happy there and i said yes and here i am now feeling the same way again. there are tears in my eyes all day at work


  • #55
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Can you go to a Dr and get a sick cert for a while?


  • #56
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    December2012 wrote: »
    Can you go to a Dr and get a sick cert for a while?
    I am only in my second week. I dont think that would go down very well


  • #57
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    YES this is a HUGE overreaction.

    You're acting like it's the end of the world just because you've changed jobs. Your career is nowhere near over. I'm all for telling people to change jobs when they're unhappy, but you've already done that and you've said yourself the place and the people seem nice and there is scope to learn. So my advice would be to cool your jets and see how you get on this job before you start thing about another drastic move (give it 6 months at least!!).

    Do you really think this is worth losing your family over? Stop fixating on the past and focus on your present and future. You have a loving family, don't throw that away for regret over a job. A JOB!! Surely your family are more important than a job? You need to move on for their sake if not your own.


  • #58
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    woodchuck wrote: »
    YES this is a HUGE overreaction.

    You're acting like it's the end of the world just because you've changed jobs. Your career is nowhere near over. I'm all for telling people to change jobs when they're unhappy, but you've already done that and you've said yourself the place and the people seem nice and there is scope to learn. So my advice would be to cool your jets and see how you get on this job before you start thing about another drastic move (give it 6 months at least!!).

    Do you really think this is worth losing your family over? Stop fixating on the past and focus on your present and future. You have a loving family, don't throw that away for regret over a job. A JOB!! Surely your family are more important than a job? You need to move on for their sake if not your own.

    What you say makes sense but thats where i am struggling. I cannot see sense on a daily basis. I found out today that the pay rises are almost nil in this company and there really is no room for career growth so this set off a whole new negative reaction

    Compare that with Company A and i got a 4% rise last year and there were plenty of internal opportunities to move around.

    All this just makes me regret everything even more and feel that there is no way out of this mess. Where i am now is ok, team are very nice, place is only ok and the work is ok but EVERYTHING was better in Company A

    My wife wants me to start an anti depressant tonight so will be doing that . Hopefully it will help. I just cant see its an overreaction if my career is finished over it. What if i can never get another job ? What if my pay never goes up again ? What if staying in this job takes me down a skills road that doesnt suit me or that i dont want to be in....


  • #59
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,721 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    sunnyday1234 wrote:
    My wife wants me to start an anti depressant tonight so will be doing that . Hopefully it will help. I just cant see its an overreaction if my career is finished over it. What if i can never get another job ? What if my pay never goes up again ? What if staying in this job takes me down a skills road that doesnt suit me or that i dont want to be in....

    You're catastrophising. Your career is not over. Get the head down, stick this job out for a year for the sake of your CV and then move on. Practically everyone has made a dud career move at some point. It's not the end of the world.

    How are your coping skills in general?


  • #60
    sunnyday1234
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 540 ✭✭✭sunnyday1234


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    You're catastrophising. Your career is not over. Get the head down, stick this job out for a year for the sake of your CV and then move on. Practically everyone has made a dud career move at some point. It's not the end of the world.

    How are your coping skills in general?

    Probably not great. To be honest over the last 10 years my life has been pretty great so this is probably affecting how i am able to cope.


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  • #61
    Tiddlypeeps
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Tiddlypeeps


    sunnyday1234 wrote: »
    What you say makes sense but thats where i am struggling. I cannot see sense on a daily basis. I found out today that the pay rises are almost nil in this company and there really is no room for career growth so this set off a whole new negative reaction.

    You are catastrophizing. You need to sit down and think about the situation logically. Play through the worst case scenario in your head and ask your self what is really so bad about it. Even if you never see another pay rise again, why is this the end of the world. It doesn't sound like you are struggling financially so is this really a big deal. Keeping i mind that this outcome is very unlikely. Odds are you'll get some more experience and either a promotion will open up where you are or another opportunity will come along that offers more money. But in the very unlikely event that the worst does happen and your pay stays the same, then why is that such a big deal?

    You've said yourself that another job will eventually open up at company A, so just bide your time and apply for them when they do open up. This whole thing is likely just a temporary set back.

    If your current counsellor doesn't practice CBT I would highly recommend seeking out another counsellor or psychologist that does. You need to work on your coping skills and CBT is a fantastic tool for that.


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