Riddled with Regret

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 01:23PM #1

Hi All
I was hoping that i could get some assistance here.
In January i left a lovely office (lets call it company A) where i knew lots and lots of people and had many friends . I had flexibility and a very good salary.
My head was turned by a recruiter and i accepted a position (Company

for a much higher salary in a very small office even though i knew deep down that i would not like the position and it wouldn't suit me
The second i walked into the office i knew i had made a mistake and fell into a deep depression. I also became very obsessed with surfing the web looking for a way out
6 weeks after that i got offered a new position (Company C) on about 10k less than i made in my initial position and i jumped at it. Now i am in that position and i am just filled with regret. The team is nice and the people are friendly but i just cannot forgive myself for going back 10k in my salary and affecting my family negatively. I cry all the time and just cannot get to grips with it. Whats worse is that at the same time i accepted this position i got offered a new position with my original employer (Company A) but turned it down because the start date was in a few weeks and i felt that i just could not stay in the workplace where i hated for even another few weeks.
I feel like i have made huge mistakes and i cannot move forward. Our lives are negatively affected and we still have plenty to live on . My wife is ok about the whole thing, she thinks that i made a mistake but says lets move on but i just cant....

bucketybuck · 06-03-2018 01:33PM

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

but says lets move on but i just cant....

So what's the alternative? If you can't move on what is the other option, just to sit and think about it all day? What's the point of that?

I don't really get why you couldn't accept the offer from company A, you say you didn't want to remain in company B any longer but you could have just left B and sat at home for that few weeks, no?

Regardless, the real issue is what you are doing now, and I can't at all see what wallowing in the misery is going to achieve except poison things in your current role.

Your wife is right, it's done now and that's that. You either go back to company A and ask to return or you forget all that **** and start to make something good out of your current job. Those are the only sensible options, outside of that there is only useless wallowing that won't achieve a damn thing.

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 01:45PM

I was afraid to wait around for the position in company B to start in case the job fell through and i was such a bag of nerves at the time that a few weeks at home would have been too difficult for me. I went back to them yesterday and they said the position is filled.
Every decision i make feels like a mistake and i am making my decisions on impatience rather than actually thinking through whats right for me.
I cant go back to company A at the moment as there are no sutiable positions, its a really big company though so something will probably pop up in the future
But for now im just buried in depression and regret. Going to see a councillor tonight about the regret. Most of the money i dropped was in a bonus and not my basic salary but i still feel like i have gone backwards and just cant move on from it

zapper55 · 06-03-2018 02:29PM

Ok this is a very strong reaction to what's happened, especially considering you can apply to company a again. I'm glad you are going to see a counsellor, might be useful to explore why you are reacting like this and maybe get some useful coping mechanisms such as cbt.

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 02:58PM

zapper55 wrote: »

Ok this is a very strong reaction to what's happened, especially considering you can apply to company a again. I'm glad you are going to see a counsellor, might be useful to explore why you are reacting like this and maybe get some useful coping mechanisms such as cbt.

Am i over reacting ? Please tell i am and normal people wouldn't react like this. All i can see is that my career is over and i will never be happy at work again. Anytime someone says anything in my new office about the company not being great then i almost break down in tears . I feel very low

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 03:17PM

My lovely 2 year old son has even said "dada sad again" and that was horrible to hear that

shesty · 06-03-2018 03:48PM

You've jumped three jobs in less than what....8 weeks?OP, give yourself a chance.It takes me a good 3-6 months to feel settled in one new job, never mind three.Go see your counsellor and clear your head.And take your wife's advice and be practical about it.All things considered, while it is stressful, there are worse things that could happen.You really need to give yourself time to adjust though.

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 03:56PM

shesty wrote: »

You've jumped three jobs in less than what....8 weeks?OP, give yourself a chance.It takes me a good 3-6 months to feel settled in one new job, never mind three.Go see your counsellor and clear your head.And take your wife's advice and be practical about it.All things considered, while it is stressful, there are worse things that could happen.You really need to give yourself time to adjust though.

Thanks . I know the first move was wrong for me , i knew that deep down i think before i ever started it because i only took it for the money. This place is better for sure and the team are nice etc but i just keep comparing it to Company A and the less money and difference in perks and the fact that i wasnt made redundant but i actually made the move of my own free will and i just cant accept that mistake that i have made.
I walked out of a top company and ended up in one with less of everything. I am afraid that i will have to spend 2 years here now to look ok on my cv and wont learn anything of note and not end up being able to get a better job ever again
Please tell me i am over reacting

LegacyUser · 06-03-2018 04:35PM

Sounds like buyers regret.
You've made a decision and are regretting it compared to the best of all the other options you could have chosen.
I was reading a self help book recently and it talked about making no lose decisions. Basically not every decision has to be the perfect ones.
It was focused on people who are wracked by indecision but i think its applicable here. Instead of berating yourself for the decisions you have made, congratulate yourself on your willingness to make them. Who knows what the future may bring. Either of the companies could go bust or double their employees salaries. You might make the best friends or enemies of your life in the new company. You're on a new path now to the one you were on. Don't ruin the ride by wallowing in regret.

dellas1979 · 06-03-2018 04:48PM

You made a decision. What you felt was the best thing at the time.

Youve got to take lesson from this, to make the whole scenario worthwhile, and to move on.

Some suggestions and learnings might be: Maybe sit down and discuss with other people/friends/here next time. Take a few days to think about such decisions. Dont make decisions in haste. Youve realised work life happiness is more important than money. Your wife is understanding.

Most of all, when you feel like youve been through a hard time, you should love yourself and take care of yourself even more, rather than beating yourself up.

dellas1979 · 06-03-2018 04:50PM

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

Please tell me i am over reacting

You are. Also, talk to your councellor about why you are so focussed on your job/seems like its part of your identity/end of the world if it doesnt go your way.

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 05:07PM

thanks . It helps to hear someone say i am over reacting and things arent actually that bad. I feel like my whole world has ended , as you say im not sure why i feel that bad and need to investigate. I have been beating myself up so much over the past while and affecting my family too.

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 05:13PM

dellas1979 wrote: »

Most of all, when you feel like youve been through a hard time, you should love yourself and take care of yourself even more, rather than beating yourself up.

How do i do this ?

beefburrito · 06-03-2018 05:20PM

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

Hi All
I was hoping that i could get some assistance here.
In January i left a lovely office (lets call it company A) where i knew lots and lots of people and had many friends . I had flexibility and a very good salary.
My head was turned by a recruiter and i accepted a position (Company for a much higher salary in a very small office even though i knew deep down that i would not like the position and it wouldn't suit me
The second i walked into the office i knew i had made a mistake and fell into a deep depression. I also became very obsessed with surfing the web looking for a way out
6 weeks after that i got offered a new position (Company C) on about 10k less than i made in my initial position and i jumped at it. Now i am in that position and i am just filled with regret. The team is nice and the people are friendly but i just cannot forgive myself for going back 10k in my salary and affecting my family negatively. I cry all the time and just cannot get to grips with it. Whats worse is that at the same time i accepted this position i got offered a new position with my original employer (Company A) but turned it down because the start date was in a few weeks and i felt that i just could not stay in the workplace where i hated for even another few weeks.
I feel like i have made huge mistakes and i cannot move forward. Our lives are negatively affected and we still have plenty to live on . My wife is ok about the whole thing, she thinks that i made a mistake but says lets move on but i just cant....

If your wife is supportive and accepts your decision you're a lucky man.

It's understandable you have regrets, but the fact your wife is content and happy you're in a very good place.

I know some guy's and women who'd be getting a right trashing for this.

She's a good woman.

Malayalam · 06-03-2018 05:25PM

If you got seriously ill you would have to deal with it.
If a beloved person got ill or died you would have to deal with it.
If your company went bust you would have to deal with it.
If your house burned down and all your possessions evaporated you would have to deal with it.
Put your job in perspective - it's not even in the big league of things in life. It sounds like you have enough money to be going on with, half the worlds population don't even have the guarantee of enough food.
I suggest regular laughter - at yourself, your job, your conundrums, and with your family

It's going to be fine

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 05:26PM

beefburrito wrote: »

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

Hi All
I was hoping that i could get some assistance here.
In January i left a lovely office (lets call it company A) where i knew lots and lots of people and had many friends . I had flexibility and a very good salary.
My head was turned by a recruiter and i accepted a position (Company for a much higher salary in a very small office even though i knew deep down that i would not like the position and it wouldn't suit me
The second i walked into the office i knew i had made a mistake and fell into a deep depression. I also became very obsessed with surfing the web looking for a way out
6 weeks after that i got offered a new position (Company C) on about 10k less than i made in my initial position and i jumped at it. Now i am in that position and i am just filled with regret. The team is nice and the people are friendly but i just cannot forgive myself for going back 10k in my salary and affecting my family negatively. I cry all the time and just cannot get to grips with it. Whats worse is that at the same time i accepted this position i got offered a new position with my original employer (Company A) but turned it down because the start date was in a few weeks and i felt that i just could not stay in the workplace where i hated for even another few weeks.
I feel like i have made huge mistakes and i cannot move forward. Our lives are negatively affected and we still have plenty to live on . My wife is ok about the whole thing, she thinks that i made a mistake but says lets move on but i just cant....

If your wife is supportive and accepts your decision you're a lucky man.

It's understandable you have regrets, but the fact your wife is content and happy you're in a very good place.

I know some guy's and women who'd be getting a right trashing for this.

She's a good woman.

yes i agree completely, she is amazing. Especially with how i react to everything. Having said that i still make a good salary and our lives are not really affected as most of the reduced money is in the form of a bonus instead of salary. She also makes a decent salary so we are fine financially thankfully. I work in IT and she is a teacher
Any advice on how to cope with the regret ?

beefburrito · 06-03-2018 05:37PM

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

yes i agree completely, she is amazing. Especially with how i react to everything. Having said that i still make a good salary and our lives are not really affected as most of the reduced money is in the form of a bonus instead of salary. She also makes a decent salary so we are fine financially thankfully. I work in IT and she is a teacher
Any advice on how to cope with the regret ?

Just go out and buy yourself a new powertool or something to do with a hobby you like.

You sound like a guy who needs to stop beating yourself up.

If you find you're suffering from anxiety or depression your gp might suggest something to take the edge away, you're not alone buddy...

You might be burnt out emotionally...

sunnyday1234 · 06-03-2018 06:32PM

beefburrito wrote: »

Just go out and buy yourself a new powertool or something to do with a hobby you like.

You sound like a guy who needs to stop beating yourself up.

If you find you're suffering from anxiety or depression your gp might suggest something to take the edge away, you're not alone buddy...

You might be burnt out emotionally...

Yep lots of people are saying to stop being so hard on myself. Took anti depressants for a few days but didnt like this so stopped them. I am not as bad now as i was in the first job change - i couldnt even get out of bed then hardly and lost 1stone weight

beefburrito · 06-03-2018 07:27PM

I've a friend on antidepressants, it took her a few weeks before they work, I'm in no position to be giving out medical advice

But the best thing is to do what the doctor suggests.

Those antidepressants are supposed to work really well, they make people think they're zombies or tired, the only reason is their system isn't used to the quite and the head stops racing.

Then when you're feeling well,just you'll stop worrying so much and fill your time with the more important things.

They're supposed to work with with psychotherapy.

It's your own decision, I can't add anymore...

I wish you luck

Johnnyhpipe · 06-03-2018 08:57PM

Tomorrow, phone company A. Be totally honest and say its just not working out here and that you would love to come back to work for them.

sunnyday1234 · 07-03-2018 07:51AM

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

Tomorrow, phone company A. Be totally honest and say its just not working out here and that you would love to come back to work for them.

There are no available positions in thr group i was working in previously

Another group in company A in a different building offered me a position but i was so impatient i had accepted thr offer from where i am now and turned them down because the start date was 6 weeks time.

More regrets

Awake since 4am and appetite gone. Loing weight again

pickarooney · 07-03-2018 08:47AM

Most people would kill to be offered three jobs in the space of a few weeks. You're obviously very good at what you do and in high demand. There's no reason to think you won't get other offers soon. Have a bit of patience and do your current job to the best if your ability then take your time over your next move.

sunnyday1234 · 07-03-2018 09:27AM

pickarooney wrote: »

Most people would kill to be offered three jobs in the space of a few weeks. You're obviously very good at what you do and in high demand. There's no reason to think you won't get other offers soon. Have a bit of patience and do your current job to the best if your ability then take your time over your next move.

Thanks. I really suffer from lack of patience which can be an issue. Im not sure if i should keep looking now or just be patient and give this job time to settle into
I dont even want to spend time with my wife and son now and i am telling my wife that we should sell our house and move closer to our original home. I went to a councellor last night and it was strange, she was an older lady, very nice but spoke really fast and the whole thing seemed a bit disjointed

Ursus Horribilis · 07-03-2018 10:23AM

You seem to think you can solve all of this straight away. You can't. Antidepressants take time. Counselling takes time. You sound like you're in a very bad place mentally and you need help. But you've got to be willing to meet it half way instead of throwing the options aside straight away because they're not fixing you on the spot.

If your GP feels you need antidepressants for now, then work with him/her to find one that suits you. And give them time to work. Ask your GP how long you need to take them before they become effective.

As for the counsellor, try a different one if you think this lady didn't do it for you. Though going by the way you're posting here, it could take a while to get through to you. You're all over the place, frantic, very wound up and deeply unhappy. I'm not sure how much any of us on this thread can help you, I'm afraid.

bucketybuck · 07-03-2018 10:32AM

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

Awake since 4am and appetite gone. Loing weight again

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

I dont even want to spend time with my wife and son now and i am telling my wife that we should sell our house

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

I feel like my whole world has ended

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

I am not as bad now as i was in the first job change - i couldnt even get out of bed then hardly and lost 1stone weight

I don't mean to be too harsh but it really seems like you are wallowing in the misery here, almost embracing it despite the original issue being something that is already done and dusted, and that relatively speaking wasn't that big a deal in the first place.

Look at the quotes above and then compare them to this one:

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

yes i agree completely, she is amazing. Especially with how i react to everything. Having said that i still make a good salary and our lives are not really affected as most of the reduced money is in the form of a bonus instead of salary. She also makes a decent salary so we are fine financially thankfully. I work in IT and she is a teacher
Any advice on how to cope with the regret ?

Its not cancer, you aren't redundant and out on the street, you haven't lost a child, you aren't getting bullied, you aren't getting abused, you aren't suffering through any of a hundred situations that would be far worse than what happened to you.

You are wallowing in the misery and crying for help because you made a few poor work decisions, decisions that can't be changed now anyway no matter what you do. I honestly think you need a friend to give you a good shake and tell you to ****ing get on with it.

sunnyday1234 · 07-03-2018 10:48AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You seem to think you can solve all of this straight away. You can't. Antidepressants take time. Counselling takes time. You sound like you're in a very bad place mentally and you need help. But you've got to be willing to meet it half way instead of throwing the options aside straight away because they're not fixing you on the spot.

If your GP feels you need antidepressants for now, then work with him/her to find one that suits you. And give them time to work. Ask your GP how long you need to take them before they become effective.

As for the counsellor, try a different one if you think this lady didn't do it for you. Though going by the way you're posting here, it could take a while to get through to you. You're all over the place, frantic, very wound up and deeply unhappy. I'm not sure how much any of us on this thread can help you, I'm afraid.

This is spot on and i know it is. I went to a pyschologist twice . She said on the first night that it didnt sound like depression but obessional worry. That was spot on. But its 90 euro an hour and i stopped going. That why i tried a counsellor.
Can anyone tell me i should continue with a pyschologist or a councellor ? Its so confusing

sunnyday1234 · 07-03-2018 10:57AM

bucketybuck wrote: »

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

Awake since 4am and appetite gone. Loing weight again

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

I dont even want to spend time with my wife and son now and i am telling my wife that we should sell our house

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

I feel like my whole world has ended

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

I am not as bad now as i was in the first job change - i couldnt even get out of bed then hardly and lost 1stone weight

I don't mean to be too harsh but it really seems like you are wallowing in the misery here, almost embracing it despite the original issue being something that is already done and dusted, and that relatively speaking wasn't that big a deal in the first place.

Look at the quotes above and then compare them to this one:

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

yes i agree completely, she is amazing. Especially with how i react to everything. Having said that i still make a good salary and our lives are not really affected as most of the reduced money is in the form of a bonus instead of salary. She also makes a decent salary so we are fine financially thankfully. I work in IT and she is a teacher
Any advice on how to cope with the regret ?

Its not cancer, you aren't redundant and out on the street, you haven't lost a child, you aren't getting bullied, you aren't getting abused, you aren't suffering through any of a hundred situations that would be far worse than what happened to you.

You are wallowing in the misery and crying for help because you made a few poor work decisions, decisions that can't be changed now anyway no matter what you do. I honestly think you need a friend to give you a good shake and tell you to ****ing get on with it.

I know you are right, i really do but my brain is just stuck and i cant move it onwards. I also agree that i am being selfish and embracing it some bit but i just dont know any other way ! How can i become less selfish ? how can i move my brain on from what has happened and accept it for being the small thing that it is....
I want to get better but i really just dont know how.

Ursus Horribilis · 07-03-2018 11:01AM

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

This is spot on and i know it is. I went to a pyschologist twice . She said on the first night that it didnt sound like depression but obessional worry. That was spot on. But its 90 euro an hour and i stopped going. That why i tried a counsellor.
Can anyone tell me i should continue with a pyschologist or a councellor ? Its so confusing

Ask your GP. Who referred you to the psychologist?

sunnyday1234 · 07-03-2018 11:55AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

sunnyday1234 wrote: »

This is spot on and i know it is. I went to a pyschologist twice . She said on the first night that it didnt sound like depression but obessional worry. That was spot on. But its 90 euro an hour and i stopped going. That why i tried a counsellor.
Can anyone tell me i should continue with a pyschologist or a councellor ? Its so confusing

Ask your GP. Who referred you to the psychologist?

no one , i just found one online.

Ursus Horribilis · 07-03-2018 12:19PM

Time to talk to your GP and find out who you need to see.

fits · 07-03-2018 12:36PM

I recently had to choose between two jobs and can understand the what if’s. It’s really difficult. But once a decision is made and well considered you need to draw a line under it. It sounds like you are having difficulty with this. Something like cognitive behavioral therapy could really help.

Riddled with Regret

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