Considering having a baby by myself

zapper55 · 04-03-2018 02:42PM #1

I'm a single woman in her late thirties and I'm seriously considering going down the artificial insemination route to have a child. I'm very financially stable, own house, good support network, could hire a doula/nurse for after the birth to give me a hand so though I can imagine how tough it will be, I think it I'd be ok.

But the thing I can't get my head around is that I'd be consciously deciding not to have their dad in their life. I'd go for the insemination option that allows contact when the child is 18 but still.

I've been strongly considering this for two years, and seeing my niece arrive has only strengthened my feelings on this. I had hoped that I'd meet someone and we'd both want a baby but that hasn't happened. Even if I met a guy now, I think I'd need to get to know them properly for two + years before I could consider having a baby with them. And even then there's no guarantees that we'd be together then. And i might run out of time to have a baby. I realise there are women having babies in their early forties but I think it's a risk to wait.

My dad would be a brilliant role model but he's getting older and wouldn't be fair to rely on him to be the only father figure.

I know there's a chance I could meet someone after I have a baby but for a few reasons that would be much harder to happen. Not least because from what I see on online dating, most prefer someone without kids.

So yeah. Sorry about the stream of consciousness

I put this here rather than the parenting forum because I would like to hear the views of single guys in particular. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for.

Airyfairy12 · 04-03-2018 04:05PM

Lots of single parents raise happy, healthy, well rounded children. If its what you want then do it. The other option could be adopting.

fineso.mom · 04-03-2018 04:12PM

A close friend has done this. She has a beautiful son who is surrounded by uncles , aunts and cousins who adore him. It was a huge decision but she was in a good financial position, healthy and had lots of support . She has never been happier.

The_Honeybadger · 04-03-2018 04:17PM

Raising a child is tough work for the first couple of years especially but you seem to have all the necessary supports in place so if it is something you really want go for it.

In terms of dating I am married but if I was single I would have no issue with someone having a child already. A good friend of mine is in this situation with his gf and is very happy.

I think the stigma of the single parent is nowhere near what it once was, especially when you are financially independent and not looking for the proverbial ‘free house’.

Chloedancer · 04-03-2018 05:10PM

My daughter who is 15 now has never met her father. I cut all contact with him because he was controlling, violent, and in the end a rapist. Completely different circumstances, I know, but from her point of view the situation is similar. I have told her very little except his name, the country he came from and that if she wants to trace him when she is 18 that will be her choice.

Not having a father in her life has caused her a lot of pain and anxiety. She has a lot of issues around abandonment and is attending counselling for these. She worries that he might be dead or that if she goes to look for him he will reject her. She has a lot of sadness that she has grandparents and aunts that don't know she exists. She has father figures on my side. My dad and brothers adore her and she has them wrapped around her little finger but it's not the same.

It causes me a lot of pain and guilt to see her like this. Don't get me wrong she is for the most part happy and we're very close. It's just that this is always there in the background and every so often it comes up and I find her crying, or she'll have a panic attack and afterwards this is what she'll want to talk about. I know part of her blames me even though she doesn't say it.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go ahead. I would never change having her and I understand the feeling of wanting a baby - I would give anything for another baby but my circumstances and age (nearly 41) mean it's very unlikely. Just if it was me I'd want to go into it with my eyes wide open.

pl4ichjgy17zwd · 04-03-2018 06:15PM

On the other side of the above, I also don't know my father and it's really never caused me any distress. I did look for him at 18 but it stemmed from other issues than actually a longing to meet him. It didn't work out and it was almost a relief that I could say I did without having to deal with trying to integrate that whole new relationship into my life.

If you decide to go ahead, you should prepare for issues that may arise, but there are many, many people with one parent who are perfectly happy with it like that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

pc7 · 04-03-2018 06:32PM

If you have the means and support network go for it! There are support networks out there for others who have done the same. Also guidance on how to deal with and explain to the child.
Just visit relationship forum there are plenty of kids living with two parents who fooking hate each other, abuse each other and all the rest. Much better to have one parent who can love and teach you how to grow.
Life is too short for regrets, go for it.

Goose76 · 04-03-2018 08:43PM

There was a documentary on this a while ago on RTE - I think Vogue Williams was the presenter. Very worthwhile watch. Best of luck.

04-03-2018 08:51PM

It’s an awful position to put a child in, wilfully.

Augme · 04-03-2018 09:00PM

JayZeus wrote: »

It’s an awful position to put a child in, wilfully.

:rolleyes: Such bollox.

OP - There are plenty of kids out there who'd have been far better off if their Dad wasn't in their lives.

eviltwin · 04-03-2018 09:09PM

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this OP. I think, if its what you really want, then you should go for it. Who cares what people say?

04-03-2018 09:19PM

Augme wrote: »

:rolleyes: Such bollox.

OP - There are plenty of kids out there who'd have been far better off if their Dad wasn't in their lives.

And even more who would have been far better off if their Dad was there.

The OP wanting to start a child on life’s path without a father present from day one, by choice and largely because of her failure to find a partner with which she can raise a child, is lamentable.

Absolutely the most selfish of ideas.

Zaph · 04-03-2018 10:14PM

JayZeus wrote: »

And even more who would have been far better off if their Dad was there.

The OP wanting to start a child on life’s path without a father present from day one, by choice and largely because of her failure to find a partner with which she can raise a child, is lamentable.

Absolutely the most selfish of ideas.

I would hope that you're never in the position where you go looking for advice and some nameless individual on the internet decides to be negatively judgemental about your life and choices without knowing anything at all about your circumstances. Or in other words, unless you have something useful to contribute stop being such a dick.

04-03-2018 10:19PM

Zaph wrote: »

I would hope that you're never in the position where you go looking for advice and some nameless individual on the internet decides to be negatively judgemental about your life and choices without knowing anything at all about your circumstances. Or in other words, unless you have something useful to contribute stop being such a dick.

Read the OP again.

zapper55 wrote: »

....But the thing I can't get my head around is that I'd be consciously deciding not to have their dad in their life.....

So yeah. Sorry about the stream of consciousness I put this here rather than the parenting forum because I would like to hear the views of single guys in particular. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for.

My comments stand.

amdublin · 04-03-2018 10:21PM

Op sounds like you would provide the best family that you can for a baby/child.

Ps. Families come in all shapes and sizes

SimpleDimples · 04-03-2018 10:47PM

Life unfortunately doesn't go to plan. In an ideal world, we would all meet someone when it suits and have children when we wished.

Sounds like you've given it a lot of thought and have the finances, stability and support to do this. Maybe check the trying to convieve forum to see of anyone has been through the same experience.

Imo, a child needs love and security - whether that comes from one parent (intentionally or otherwise), a couple, straight or gay, young or old is not important - a wanted child who is loved will have all they need.

05-03-2018 12:06AM

Im a single guy in late 30s, good job, good family and have thought about this myself.....obviously its harder for guys to do but given the opportunity id jump at it.

December2012 · 05-03-2018 08:42AM

JayZeus wrote: »

It’s an awful position to put a child in, wilfully.

Actually OP I think if you're going to be a single parent, doing it wilfully is the much better option. You will be able to tell your child how much you wanted to have them, and that you were lucky that there was a service available where men could provide what you needed in order to help you have the child you really wanted. So there is no abandonment. There is no dad leaving after a pregnancy test, when nights get too tough, or parenting is just hard.

There are no rows, there is no custody disputes, no wondering if Daddy will see her/ him this weekend.

Just a child and their mother having a great relationship, with all the ups and downs that involves.

Not a woman who has been left by a lover, or who couldn't get on with their boyfriend, or who was in a bad relationship.

Instead it is a grown woman, financially independent, aware of what she wants, and going into everything with eyes open.

Addle · 05-03-2018 09:08AM

So many couples have children without thinking of the implications for the children.

I think it's all down to money OP, as crude as that seems.
If you can afford the best for your baby, and in 20 years still afford the best for your college going child, then go for it.

silverharp · 05-03-2018 09:12AM

if you have a back up guardian i'd say go for it.

mel.b · 05-03-2018 09:49AM

OP, i’m in a similar situation to you, (very!) late 30’s, financially stable, single etc. i’ve thought about going down the route you are but I’ve decided against it. My reasoning and thinking for this was -
- I’d have to go back to work full time after mat leave. While creches & childminders are great i didn’t want my child to see more of them than they would me...essentially they would be raised by someone else, having to be in childcare from 8.30-5.30 5 days a week. I wouldn’t like to be a stay at home mum, but the option of going part-time would have been appealing and is what all my friends who have babies have done.

- when the child got older, who would be able to take them to afterschool activities, lessons etc if I’m still in work? Again from colleagues who have kids it seems many of these start earlier after school rather than 5pm onwards

- unlike you, i don’t have a well developed support network around me as my family all live in Australia, so i really would be doing it all by myself. I’d have to take days off work if the child was sick etc as i wouldn’t have anyone else to mind them. Or if I’m sick, there’s no one to fall back on.

- I work in the disability field and given my age and family history (nephew 1 with ASD, niece with a Chromosomal disorder) for me, thats not a risk I’m prepared to take. I’ve seen first hand the stress having a child with a disability has on families and its much harder when you are by yourself. Maybe it’s selfish, but i’m not going to put myself in that situation.

So, just another side of the coin OP. Maybe more food for thought. I wish you all the very best with your decision and the future if you make the decision to have a child.

Permabear · 05-03-2018 11:13AM

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TheBoyConor · 05-03-2018 12:46PM

Hi OP. Of course this is your decision to make and I can sympathise with your position but my own personal opinion would be that if I were in your position i would be against having a baby solo.
I believe a child should have the opportunity to have 2 loving parents. Of course this sometimes doesn't work out, the couple break up, the father is a deadbeat etc, but at the outset the child would still have had a fair opportunity to have 2 parents whether it works out or not. I feel that deciding to have a baby solo is knowingly outrightly taking away the opportunity for the child to have a dad from day one. I don't think that is fair on the child.
As you say, you have ample resources to raise a child, great job, big money and a fine house. But to have got this I also assume you have a pretty high flying career, yes? You would have to also consider that, having such a career, will you actually have the time resources available to actually be an effectual hands on single parent to the baby rather than having to outsource parenting to hired help such as the nannies and doulas you have mentioned.

Permabear · 05-03-2018 01:29PM

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LolaJJ · 05-03-2018 01:35PM

Hey OP,

This is probably a slightly divisive issue. You seem like an educated and informed person who has put a good amount of thought in to this. The issue I would have with a lot of the comments is that your situation is being compared with a 2-parent family without any real insights in to any facts.

There are babies born every day to 2 parents who are too young, on drugs, on social welfare, in situations of violence or domestic abuse - this list goes on forever.

Bringing a baby in to a world where you can offer unconditional love, stability and adequate financial support is the very minimum of what you *should* be able to provide - but even that is anavailable to so many children.

It's really not about how many parents a child has.

TheBoyConor · 05-03-2018 01:38PM

I'm just wondering what would be recorded on the birth certificate for the father when a child is born in this way? Donor? Anonymous? Unknown? Or would it be left blank?

clairewithani · 05-03-2018 01:40PM

OP in an ideal world every child would have 2 loving parents, a beautiful home, enough money etc. But life is not always like that. My daughter is a single parent. She didn't plan her son, she struggled with the decision to keep him, she had money worries. But keep him she did and he is loved and doted on. You can offer your child a good home and plenty of love. Many children are not so lucky as yours will be.

TheBoyConor · 05-03-2018 01:48PM

Claire & LolaJJ,

I appreciate that there are kids born every day who turn out to not end up with ideal family circumstances, absent fathers, broken homes etc etc.
But the difference is that at the outset they all had a fair opportunity of having a father.
What is different about the OP is that she would be knowingly, and deliberately planning to remove even the possibility of an involved father for the baby.
I don't believe that this would be morally justified.

Tokyo · 05-03-2018 01:51PM

Mod: I appreciate that this is a divisive issue, but the OP did ask for all opinions. While you are welcome to put forward your opinion, please don't use the thread as an excuse to have a pop at those who don't share your particular view.

Permabear · 05-03-2018 01:55PM

This post has been deleted.

LolaJJ · 05-03-2018 01:56PM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Claire & LolaJJ,

What is different about the OP is that she would be knowingly, and deliberately planning to remove even the possibility of an involved father for the baby.
I don't believe that this would be morally justified.

Well, that's impossible to predict. The OP didn't state that she would never have a relationship ever again. She was just stating that if she remained single she feels she would cope and the baby would have adequate role models.

My opinion is that people who aren't hurting anyone else should be allowed to make these decisions without facing judgment. I believe the OP can provide a supportive and loving environment for the baby which is more important to the child's development both emotionally and otherwise than a lot of fathers

Considering having a baby by myself

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