MIL Xmas Present for Son

keeffor · 12-12-2017 06:52AM #1

So despite repeated requests not to, my mother in law appears determined to buy our 4yr old son a bike for Christmas. While I appreciate she wants to get him a nice present, I feel strongly that his first bike is a present that we as parents would like to get him when the time is right. Not only that, if she goes ahead and gets him the bike, it possibly overshadows any present we may get him as parents this Christmas. Her reasoning for wanting to buy the bike is because she wants to get him something he would really like, ignoring our comments that we want to get him a bike when we feel the time is right.

So my question is, if she arrives to our house on Xmas day with the bike, what should I do? My wife would not be happy either but would probably say nothing to keep the peace. I’m not so sure I can say nothing though. Or should I just keep my mouth shut and suck it up because our son will obviously be deflighted with the present.

QueenRizla · 12-12-2017 07:16AM

Suck it up. In the bigger scheme of things Granny gets less time with your son and wants to make nice memories, it is obviously important to her and it’s a nice milestone for her to be part of. You will have much much more of those than she will ever have, give her this one, she clearly loves your son.
Who cares if it trumps what you get, don’t make it a competition! Be grateful for your son having a generous caring Granny, not put out about it!

amtc · 12-12-2017 08:30AM

Is there some reason as to why the time isn't right? In my day it was always your communion but probably changed. You have your son 24 x 7 so mil just wants to do something nice. Don't be worried about it overshadowing yours...children don't think that way. In fact you're being selfish.

amtc · 12-12-2017 08:30AM

Is there some reason as to why the time isn't right? In my day it was always your communion but probably changed. You have your son 24 x 7 so mil just wants to do something nice. Don't be worried about it overshadowing yours...children don't think that way. In fact you're being selfish.

Peatys · 12-12-2017 08:35AM

You come across as very immature here on two fronts. One you want to be the one to get the bike. Why? Your lad will have a bike either way, so he's happy and that's the main thing, isn't it?

Two, you'd ruin Christmas just to make your point? You should listen to your wife and say nothing to keep the peace. The poor guy is 4, doesn't want arguments on Christmas Day

Edit; info from op that mil has history of this type of stuff

bee06 · 12-12-2017 09:28AM

I’d be pretty pissed off if my MIL wouldn’t respect our wishes on what present to buy / not to buy as well. It goes to a bigger issue about her interference in my opinion. However, I think you need to let your wife deal with it now. You’ve made your feelings on the matter clear ... continuing to push it will just cause bad blood. You’ll still be family for a lot longer than the bike will be around.

Xterminator · 12-12-2017 09:56AM

Hi Op

I feel strongly that his first bike is a present that we as parents would like to get him when the time is right.

It seems to me your feelings are taking precedence over those of your wife and child, and for that matter over your MIL's too. Why is that?
Will your child love the present? If the answer is yes then why are your feelings more important than the child's happiness?
Is it ego that is the problem here, and you think the MIL will 'steal your thunder'?
I suspect underlying tension with MIL is causing this friction, because in itself your MIL wanting to treat her grandchild is not a bad thing. Your letting this cloud your judgement. It can be hard to take a step back.

woodchuck · 12-12-2017 10:49AM

It's obviously a shame that she's not respecting your wishes, but I'd let it drop.

At the end of the day, your son will be delighted. She might be conscious of the fact that she won't be around forever, so wants to spoil him while she has the chance. And realistically, you'll be the one to teach him how to ride the bike, so he'll have lovely memories of that too. When he's older, he's not going to remember who got him the bike. Just that he got it and has lots of good memories surrounding it. That's not gonna happen if you pick a feud... which is more important in the long run?

Sunny Dayz · 12-12-2017 11:10AM

Well 4 years of age is a good time to start learning to cycle a bike.

I'd imagine at this stage being so close the Christmas that she has already got it. At least she left you know what she was getting him. Both my mum and my MIL lets me know what they have got my son for Christmas, either to make sure it's ok, that the sizing is right or that she's excited about it. Or they ask me is there anything he needs/would like.

Is there something else that you could ask your MIL to get for the child that he would like? It's one thing to tell her NOT to get him a bike but maybe present her with a few other options for a present. I'll admit a bike is quite a big present and one that Santa would most likely bring.

12-12-2017 11:25AM

keeffor wrote: »

Not only that, if she goes ahead and gets him the bike, it possibly overshadows any present we may get him as parents this Christmas.

Unless there's no Santa Claus in your house, will you not be "overshadowed" anyway??

Sinead Mc1 · 12-12-2017 11:56AM

It IS very annoying that she is completely disregarding your wishes. That would annoy me.
However, you really can't sweat the small stuff. There is no ill intention meant. If your wife thinks it's not worth the argument id roll with that. The first bike IS a milestone, I agree, but your mil will merely be gifting the bike. It'll still be you teaching him to cycle it. That's where the memories are made. He won't even remember who bought it after a few weeks.

LegacyUser · 12-12-2017 12:02PM

Op here. Thanks for the replies.

I take on board what some people are saying re appearing selfish etc. And I agree, the last thing I would want to do is ruin Xmas day for all involved so it would be better to just keep my feelings to myself. My son being happy is the most important thing.

Not in anyway to force my opinion but more to give my original post some context, there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.

keeffor · 12-12-2017 12:04PM

Op here. Thanks for the replies.

I take on board what some people are saying re appearing selfish etc. And I agree, the last thing I would want to do is ruin Xmas day for all involved so it would be better to just keep my feelings to myself. My son being happy is the most important thing.

Not in anyway to force my opinion but more to give my original post some context, there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.

woodchuck · 12-12-2017 12:24PM

keeffor wrote: »

Not in anyway to force my opinion but more to give my original post some context, there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.

That makes sense that there's more to this than meets the eye! I think the best approach is to pick your battles though. When it comes to giving your son a Christmas present, I think that's one to let go.

ManOfMystery · 12-12-2017 12:59PM

Have had exact same issue recently with my mother (not MIL) wanting to get our son a bike for Christmas.

There is no history of interference here and we took her gesture for what it was, kindhearted. However I did sit her down and explained in as nice a manner as possible that whilst we really appreciated it, we felt that the 'big' present should come from Santa as that's likely the first thing he'll make a beeline for on Christmas morning, and we didn't want him thinking that Santa only brought a few small things and not the main thing he asked for. She completely understood.

valoren · 12-12-2017 01:16PM

She will bring it over on Christmas Day?

He is 4 years old, so I presume he believes in the whole Santa thing? To him he won't know where the present is coming from, as it was brought over night by Santa.

I'd accept the gift generously but only on condition that it's brought covertly to you before Christmas Day in order to allow it be by the tree on Christmas morning for your son. That way your son get's a lovely surprise in the morning, your MIL get's to make him happy and you and your wife have control on the gifting.

If she doesn't reciprocate those wishes then simply tell her thanks for the generous offer but no thanks, we'll get him a bike ourselves.

Peatys · 12-12-2017 02:00PM

keeffor wrote: »

Op here. Thanks for the replies.

I take on board what some people are saying re appearing selfish etc. And I agree, the last thing I would want to do is ruin Xmas day for all involved so it would be better to just keep my feelings to myself. My son being happy is the most important thing.

Not in anyway to force my opinion but more to give my original post some context, there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.

Bit of context goes a long way. You have every right to set boundaries, and someone with history of it would be absolutely infuriating. It maybe an idea to have your wife discuss it thoroughly with her mother in the new year.

muminpajamas · 12-12-2017 02:23PM

Make sure to tell her to buy a helmet too. Don't worry child will have a great Christmas. Try to save your energy for bigger issues with the MIL.

shesty · 12-12-2017 02:41PM

I do understand and no, I don't think you are selfish.I get all the people saying just suck it up etc, but some things you do want to buy your kids yourself the first time.Sure, you have your son 24/7 and all the rest, but you know what....grandparents have already had their turn at parenting and now it's your turn.Selfish maybe, but some grandparents walk all over parents and it's not right. So you should be able to establish those boundaries.

As a compromise, I like the suggestion about insisting it be brought over the night before so it can be left by the tree.That is one way to go.
If your wife hasn't said anything to her parent already, then she needs to say it loud and clear now.I don't know if it's right for you to say it to be honest, seeing as it's not your parents, and I certainly wouldn't be saying it on Christmas day.

RhubarbCrumble · 12-12-2017 03:02PM

I don't think you're being selfish in the slightest OP. You have asked MIL not to do this, but she seems determined to go against your wishes anyway and do what suits her.
She doesn't seem to have any respect for you or your views so I can perfectly understand why you're annoyed.
For what it's worth I have a similar MIL myself so I know how you feel.

meeeeh · 12-12-2017 03:31PM

It doesn't matter who buys bike as Christmas present. Four year olds have very little concept about value of presents and chances are they won't be able to properly cycle outside in this weather so they will actually enjoy other presents more. Grandparents bought bike to one of our kids and Santa bought it to the second and it really didn't matter one way or the other. They also bought one of those playground wooden frames with two swings, a slide and little house one year. It was the most underwhelming present for kids because they couldn't really play on it till it was warmer. Kids would be way more excited with 20 euro box of Lego.

Pick your battles. You will be buying another bike in a few years, it will be more expensive and from my experience it will be way more important to your child. Save the money, make sure your son is really excited about Santa present, mention to him how cool something he wrote to Santa for is and you will have the most excited child on Chrstmas morning weather the bike is there or not.

As for MIL she will be buying whatever she feels like no matter what you do. Let her off unless presents are inappropriate it's really not worth it.

ShaShaBear · 12-12-2017 08:19PM

Have a very similar MIL who simply wouldn't listen and the same as the OP, had previous. The issue with people like that is if you give them an inch, they take a mile. For my daughter's first Christmas, they told us they were buying her a pop up tent/ball pit and a big pop up tunnel. We said absolutely not - we live in a 2-bed house not much bigger than an apartment and have absolutely no space for something like that. Guess what arrived to the house? :rolleyes:

If you don't believe the time is right for your son to have a bike, that is 100% your decision to make. And on principle, your MIL should respect your wishes. Not just respect the "big" ones and disrespect you as the boy's father because it's a "little thing". I also agree that it would look very tasteless if she arrives with a shiny new bike from Nana, but the stuff Santa brought doesn't compare.

MissShihTzu · 12-12-2017 08:30PM

Am I amongst the few who gets the OP's point? It's not about who gets the little guy what. It's about respecting boundaries, which your MiL seems unable to do. She's had her time with the children when they were small, and I daresay the same arguments with her in-laws too.

It's completely up to Mum and Dad to decide what's best for their child. Not the MiL.

I would have a word with your wife as others have suggested and let her deal with it. Four is too young for a bike anyway IMO.

December2012 · 12-12-2017 08:42PM

Have you already told her no bike and she has ignored you?

If my mil did that she would not be allowed into my house. She is the one who is ruining Christmas- not you.

You are the parents. You and your wife get to set boundaries. Not your mil. Particularly if she has been controlling and disrespectful in the past

Stephen Hawkins football boots · 12-12-2017 11:35PM

Stop being so insecure and relax.Your mil has good intentions I'm sure and your child will love it.i bet.Relax and don't worry about stuff like this.Whats wrong with him getting a bike?

ShaShaBear · 13-12-2017 10:08AM

Stephen Hawkins football boots wrote: »

Stop being so insecure and relax.Your mil has good intentions I'm sure and your child will love it.i bet.Relax and don't worry about stuff like this.Whats wrong with him getting a bike?

If the MIL regularly ignores the wishes of the Dad and goes ahead and does whatever she likes for a child that is NOT hers, then no - she most certainly does not have good intentions. Maybe the OP and his wife know the child is not dexterous enough for a bike and it's just going to rot in a shed. Maybe they live in an area where outdoor cycling would be too dangerous, maybe they live in an apartment right now and have nowhere to put a poxy bike, maybe they're having a tight Christmas and don't think it would be fair that Nanny can afford a shiny new bike and Santa could only manage a tool set and some toy construction cars.

Maybe none of that matters, because he said NO!

13-12-2017 01:40PM

Say yes, but make sure she knows that it's coming from "Santa". Your son won't know any different, but your MIL will have the satisfaction of knowing. Win-win.

sashafierce · 13-12-2017 02:55PM

This post has been deleted.

valoren · 13-12-2017 05:08PM

Just to illustrate OP. My wife's sister is our daughter's godmother. She is the bossy, i know best type but very generous. Our daughter was 6 months old and she bought her a Blackboard. You are thinking, as we were when she bought it, that what does a six month old need a blackboard for? It says Ages 5+ on the box. We asked her why she bought it and she said it was reduced to 30 from 60, a bargain! It is currently sitting for the last 6 months in their house (in their spare front room) not ours. My wife says it's starting to get in her elderly mother's way. And we need to take it down and store it for the next 4 years in the attic. I'm not budging.

Now she, generous as she is, was subsequently asked to not buy big space consuming presents until they were actually age appropriate i.e. establishing a boundary. A week later she was excited about what she was getting our daughter for Christmas. She was getting her a big carriage. The kind of thing a 4 year old would play with. She was told politely not to buy that. She would be only one years old at Christmas and it's not appropriate as discussed. If there is a carriage bought for Christmas, which wouldn't surprise me one bit, I'll give you one guess where it will be sitting unopened if she doesn't return it when requested

wyrn · 13-12-2017 05:37PM

I synpathise with you OP and your wife. Your mother in law is clearly boundary stomping even when you've asked her not too. The fact that she

Her reasoning for wanting to buy the bike is because she wants to get him something he would really like

Sounds like she wants to upstage you and your wife. Is she the type of grandmother who will take lots of photos of your child on the bike to put up on Facebook as the best grandmother ever?

Check out /r/JustNoMIL over on reddit. They have lots of advice on how to help with this sort of thing.

Good luck!

kylith · 13-12-2017 05:44PM

OP, would you consider a bit of bare-faced lying? Tell her that you and your wife have already gotten him a bike, and hers would be totally superfluous.

If she questions the lack of a bike then tell her that ye decided to hold off giving it as he doesn't have the motor skills yet.

I totally get where you're coming from: a child's first bike is a big deal to them, and as such should be something that comes from mammy and daddy. Your MiL seems totally out to big herself up and damn what anyone else wants. I know a couple of people like that: The type to insist on buying you a 14 piece oyster-twiddling set while you stand there saying 'I don't want it, I'll never use it. Don't buy it'

Of course, the other option is to let her bring the bike and then leave it in the shed forever. "We told you not to get it. We told you he wasn't ready for it. It's not our fault you wasted your money".

MIL Xmas Present for Son

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