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MIL Xmas Present for Son

  • 12-12-2017 5:52am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37


    So despite repeated requests not to, my mother in law appears determined to buy our 4yr old son a bike for Christmas. While I appreciate she wants to get him a nice present, I feel strongly that his first bike is a present that we as parents would like to get him when the time is right. Not only that, if she goes ahead and gets him the bike, it possibly overshadows any present we may get him as parents this Christmas. Her reasoning for wanting to buy the bike is because she wants to get him something he would really like, ignoring our comments that we want to get him a bike when we feel the time is right.

    So my question is, if she arrives to our house on Xmas day with the bike, what should I do? My wife would not be happy either but would probably say nothing to keep the peace. I’m not so sure I can say nothing though. Or should I just keep my mouth shut and suck it up because our son will obviously be deflighted with the present.


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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 222 ✭✭QueenRizla


    Suck it up. In the bigger scheme of things Granny gets less time with your son and wants to make nice memories, it is obviously important to her and it’s a nice milestone for her to be part of. You will have much much more of those than she will ever have, give her this one, she clearly loves your son.
    Who cares if it trumps what you get, don’t make it a competition! Be grateful for your son having a generous caring Granny, not put out about it!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,490 ✭✭✭amtc


    Is there some reason as to why the time isn't right? In my day it was always your communion but probably changed. You have your son 24 x 7 so mil just wants to do something nice. Don't be worried about it overshadowing yours...children don't think that way. In fact you're being selfish.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,490 ✭✭✭amtc


    Is there some reason as to why the time isn't right? In my day it was always your communion but probably changed. You have your son 24 x 7 so mil just wants to do something nice. Don't be worried about it overshadowing yours...children don't think that way. In fact you're being selfish.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,881 ✭✭✭Peatys


    You come across as very immature here on two fronts. One you want to be the one to get the bike. Why? Your lad will have a bike either way, so he's happy and that's the main thing, isn't it?

    Two, you'd ruin Christmas just to make your point? You should listen to your wife and say nothing to keep the peace. The poor guy is 4, doesn't want arguments on Christmas Day

    Edit; info from op that mil has history of this type of stuff


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    I’d be pretty pissed off if my MIL wouldn’t respect our wishes on what present to buy / not to buy as well. It goes to a bigger issue about her interference in my opinion. However, I think you need to let your wife deal with it now. You’ve made your feelings on the matter clear ... continuing to push it will just cause bad blood. You’ll still be family for a lot longer than the bike will be around.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,803 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi Op
    I feel strongly that his first bike is a present that we as parents would like to get him when the time is right.

    It seems to me your feelings are taking precedence over those of your wife and child, and for that matter over your MIL's too. Why is that?
    Will your child love the present? If the answer is yes then why are your feelings more important than the child's happiness?
    Is it ego that is the problem here, and you think the MIL will 'steal your thunder'?
    I suspect underlying tension with MIL is causing this friction, because in itself your MIL wanting to treat her grandchild is not a bad thing. Your letting this cloud your judgement. It can be hard to take a step back.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    It's obviously a shame that she's not respecting your wishes, but I'd let it drop.

    At the end of the day, your son will be delighted. She might be conscious of the fact that she won't be around forever, so wants to spoil him while she has the chance. And realistically, you'll be the one to teach him how to ride the bike, so he'll have lovely memories of that too. When he's older, he's not going to remember who got him the bike. Just that he got it and has lots of good memories surrounding it. That's not gonna happen if you pick a feud... which is more important in the long run?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,517 ✭✭✭Sunny Dayz


    Well 4 years of age is a good time to start learning to cycle a bike.


    I'd imagine at this stage being so close the Christmas that she has already got it. At least she left you know what she was getting him. Both my mum and my MIL lets me know what they have got my son for Christmas, either to make sure it's ok, that the sizing is right or that she's excited about it. Or they ask me is there anything he needs/would like.


    Is there something else that you could ask your MIL to get for the child that he would like? It's one thing to tell her NOT to get him a bike but maybe present her with a few other options for a present. I'll admit a bike is quite a big present and one that Santa would most likely bring.


  • Posts: 1,007 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    keeffor wrote: »
    Not only that, if she goes ahead and gets him the bike, it possibly overshadows any present we may get him as parents this Christmas.

    Unless there's no Santa Claus in your house, will you not be "overshadowed" anyway??


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 464 ✭✭Sinead Mc1


    It IS very annoying that she is completely disregarding your wishes. That would annoy me.
    However, you really can't sweat the small stuff. There is no ill intention meant. If your wife thinks it's not worth the argument id roll with that. The first bike IS a milestone, I agree, but your mil will merely be gifting the bike. It'll still be you teaching him to cycle it. That's where the memories are made. He won't even remember who bought it after a few weeks.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op here. Thanks for the replies.

    I take on board what some people are saying re appearing selfish etc. And I agree, the last thing I would want to do is ruin Xmas day for all involved so it would be better to just keep my feelings to myself. My son being happy is the most important thing.

    Not in anyway to force my opinion but more to give my original post some context, there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 keeffor


    Op here. Thanks for the replies.

    I take on board what some people are saying re appearing selfish etc. And I agree, the last thing I would want to do is ruin Xmas day for all involved so it would be better to just keep my feelings to myself. My son being happy is the most important thing.

    Not in anyway to force my opinion but more to give my original post some context, there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    keeffor wrote: »
    Not in anyway to force my opinion but more to give my original post some context, there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.

    That makes sense that there's more to this than meets the eye! I think the best approach is to pick your battles though. When it comes to giving your son a Christmas present, I think that's one to let go.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Have had exact same issue recently with my mother (not MIL) wanting to get our son a bike for Christmas.

    There is no history of interference here and we took her gesture for what it was, kindhearted. However I did sit her down and explained in as nice a manner as possible that whilst we really appreciated it, we felt that the 'big' present should come from Santa as that's likely the first thing he'll make a beeline for on Christmas morning, and we didn't want him thinking that Santa only brought a few small things and not the main thing he asked for. She completely understood.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,566 ✭✭✭valoren


    She will bring it over on Christmas Day?

    He is 4 years old, so I presume he believes in the whole Santa thing? To him he won't know where the present is coming from, as it was brought over night by Santa.

    I'd accept the gift generously but only on condition that it's brought covertly to you before Christmas Day in order to allow it be by the tree on Christmas morning for your son. That way your son get's a lovely surprise in the morning, your MIL get's to make him happy and you and your wife have control on the gifting.

    If she doesn't reciprocate those wishes then simply tell her thanks for the generous offer but no thanks, we'll get him a bike ourselves.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,881 ✭✭✭Peatys


    keeffor wrote: »
    Op here. Thanks for the replies.

    I take on board what some people are saying re appearing selfish etc. And I agree, the last thing I would want to do is ruin Xmas day for all involved so it would be better to just keep my feelings to myself. My son being happy is the most important thing.

    Not in anyway to force my opinion but more to give my original post some context, there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.

    Bit of context goes a long way. You have every right to set boundaries, and someone with history of it would be absolutely infuriating. It maybe an idea to have your wife discuss it thoroughly with her mother in the new year.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 muminpajamas


    Make sure to tell her to buy a helmet too. Don't worry child will have a great Christmas. Try to save your energy for bigger issues with the MIL.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,915 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    I do understand and no, I don't think you are selfish.I get all the people saying just suck it up etc, but some things you do want to buy your kids yourself the first time.Sure, you have your son 24/7 and all the rest, but you know what....grandparents have already had their turn at parenting and now it's your turn.Selfish maybe, but some grandparents walk all over parents and it's not right. So you should be able to establish those boundaries.

    As a compromise, I like the suggestion about insisting it be brought over the night before so it can be left by the tree.That is one way to go.
    If your wife hasn't said anything to her parent already, then she needs to say it loud and clear now.I don't know if it's right for you to say it to be honest, seeing as it's not your parents, and I certainly wouldn't be saying it on Christmas day.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,174 ✭✭✭RhubarbCrumble


    I don't think you're being selfish in the slightest OP. You have asked MIL not to do this, but she seems determined to go against your wishes anyway and do what suits her.
    She doesn't seem to have any respect for you or your views so I can perfectly understand why you're annoyed.
    For what it's worth I have a similar MIL myself so I know how you feel.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    It doesn't matter who buys bike as Christmas present. Four year olds have very little concept about value of presents and chances are they won't be able to properly cycle outside in this weather so they will actually enjoy other presents more. Grandparents bought bike to one of our kids and Santa bought it to the second and it really didn't matter one way or the other. They also bought one of those playground wooden frames with two swings, a slide and little house one year. It was the most underwhelming present for kids because they couldn't really play on it till it was warmer. Kids would be way more excited with 20 euro box of Lego.

    Pick your battles. You will be buying another bike in a few years, it will be more expensive and from my experience it will be way more important to your child. Save the money, make sure your son is really excited about Santa present, mention to him how cool something he wrote to Santa for is and you will have the most excited child on Chrstmas morning weather the bike is there or not.

    As for MIL she will be buying whatever she feels like no matter what you do. Let her off unless presents are inappropriate it's really not worth it.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    Have a very similar MIL who simply wouldn't listen and the same as the OP, had previous. The issue with people like that is if you give them an inch, they take a mile. For my daughter's first Christmas, they told us they were buying her a pop up tent/ball pit and a big pop up tunnel. We said absolutely not - we live in a 2-bed house not much bigger than an apartment and have absolutely no space for something like that. Guess what arrived to the house? :rolleyes:

    If you don't believe the time is right for your son to have a bike, that is 100% your decision to make. And on principle, your MIL should respect your wishes. Not just respect the "big" ones and disrespect you as the boy's father because it's a "little thing". I also agree that it would look very tasteless if she arrives with a shiny new bike from Nana, but the stuff Santa brought doesn't compare.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    Am I amongst the few who gets the OP's point? It's not about who gets the little guy what. It's about respecting boundaries, which your MiL seems unable to do. She's had her time with the children when they were small, and I daresay the same arguments with her in-laws too.

    It's completely up to Mum and Dad to decide what's best for their child. Not the MiL.

    I would have a word with your wife as others have suggested and let her deal with it. Four is too young for a bike anyway IMO.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Have you already told her no bike and she has ignored you?

    If my mil did that she would not be allowed into my house. She is the one who is ruining Christmas- not you.

    You are the parents. You and your wife get to set boundaries. Not your mil. Particularly if she has been controlling and disrespectful in the past


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 314 ✭✭Stephen Hawkins football boots


    Stop being so insecure and relax.Your mil has good intentions I'm sure and your child will love it.i bet.Relax and don't worry about stuff like this.Whats wrong with him getting a bike?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    Stop being so insecure and relax.Your mil has good intentions I'm sure and your child will love it.i bet.Relax and don't worry about stuff like this.Whats wrong with him getting a bike?

    If the MIL regularly ignores the wishes of the Dad and goes ahead and does whatever she likes for a child that is NOT hers, then no - she most certainly does not have good intentions. Maybe the OP and his wife know the child is not dexterous enough for a bike and it's just going to rot in a shed. Maybe they live in an area where outdoor cycling would be too dangerous, maybe they live in an apartment right now and have nowhere to put a poxy bike, maybe they're having a tight Christmas and don't think it would be fair that Nanny can afford a shiny new bike and Santa could only manage a tool set and some toy construction cars.

    Maybe none of that matters, because he said NO!


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Say yes, but make sure she knows that it's coming from "Santa". Your son won't know any different, but your MIL will have the satisfaction of knowing. Win-win.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,599 ✭✭✭sashafierce


    This post has been deleted.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,566 ✭✭✭valoren


    Just to illustrate OP. My wife's sister is our daughter's godmother. She is the bossy, i know best type but very generous. Our daughter was 6 months old and she bought her a Blackboard. You are thinking, as we were when she bought it, that what does a six month old need a blackboard for? It says Ages 5+ on the box. We asked her why she bought it and she said it was reduced to 30 from 60, a bargain! It is currently sitting for the last 6 months in their house (in their spare front room) not ours. My wife says it's starting to get in her elderly mother's way. And we need to take it down and store it for the next 4 years in the attic. I'm not budging.

    Now she, generous as she is, was subsequently asked to not buy big space consuming presents until they were actually age appropriate i.e. establishing a boundary. A week later she was excited about what she was getting our daughter for Christmas. She was getting her a big carriage. The kind of thing a 4 year old would play with. She was told politely not to buy that. She would be only one years old at Christmas and it's not appropriate as discussed. If there is a carriage bought for Christmas, which wouldn't surprise me one bit, I'll give you one guess where it will be sitting unopened if she doesn't return it when requested ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,980 ✭✭✭wyrn


    I synpathise with you OP and your wife. Your mother in law is clearly boundary stomping even when you've asked her not too. The fact that she
    Her reasoning for wanting to buy the bike is because she wants to get him something he would really like
    Sounds like she wants to upstage you and your wife. Is she the type of grandmother who will take lots of photos of your child on the bike to put up on Facebook as the best grandmother ever?

    Check out /r/JustNoMIL over on reddit. They have lots of advice on how to help with this sort of thing.

    Good luck!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,739 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    OP, would you consider a bit of bare-faced lying? Tell her that you and your wife have already gotten him a bike, and hers would be totally superfluous.

    If she questions the lack of a bike then tell her that ye decided to hold off giving it as he doesn't have the motor skills yet.

    I totally get where you're coming from: a child's first bike is a big deal to them, and as such should be something that comes from mammy and daddy. Your MiL seems totally out to big herself up and damn what anyone else wants. I know a couple of people like that: The type to insist on buying you a 14 piece oyster-twiddling set while you stand there saying 'I don't want it, I'll never use it. Don't buy it'

    Of course, the other option is to let her bring the bike and then leave it in the shed forever. "We told you not to get it. We told you he wasn't ready for it. It's not our fault you wasted your money".


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,517 ✭✭✭Sunny Dayz


    If the MIL is insisting on getting him a bike, would it be an option to keep it over in her house, for him to play with when he's over visiting? That way she has to take responsibility for it, store it etc.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    If you back down on this, it's setting a precedent. What happens when granny decides it's time for her precious grandson to get a smartphone or games console because she wants to make him happy but you and your wife don't think it's the right time? Set your boundaries now and make her stick to them. It'll save you a lot of hassle in the future.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,322 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    My grandad got me my first bike. It was for my birthday. I went to visit my grandparents with my mam and we weren't allowed in the front room, which was very annoying. Then every one (my mam, grandparents, great aunt and cousin) gathered in the hall behind me. My nana put her hands over my eyes, walked me into the room and when she took her hands away, i couldnt believe my eyes! There was a gorgeous blue bike in front of me...for me!!! The saddle was too high and I couldn't even ride a bike yet*. My dad was at home so no one could lower the saddle. They all took turns pushing me up and down the path outside the house ALL DAY! I must have wrecked their heads but not one of them complained in fairness to them!

    If my parents were miffed that it was my grandad who got the bike, they didn't let on. It was a good day filled with loveliness. I got my first bike!!!

    * I found out years later that he won it in the pub :pac:

    If Your MIL gets the bike, be delighted for your kid. Because he's gonna be over the moon and that's really the whole point, isn't it?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    If Your MIL gets the bike, be delighted for your kid. Because he's gonna be over the moon and that's really the whole point, isn't it?

    Well, not quite. The little guy will be delighted, true. But that's not the point the OP is trying to make. His MiL apparently has no respect for him and his wife as parents and no boundaries.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,322 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    keeffor wrote: »
    ....., there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.
    Well, not quite. The little guy will be delighted, true. But that's not the point the OP is trying to make. His MiL apparently has no respect for him and his wife as parents and no boundaries.

    I get the point the OP is trying to make. But in looking at the post above, it's a bit of a leap to say the MIL has no respect for the OP or his partner.

    Anyhow, you guide the OP as best you can, and I'll add my tuppence with the same intention.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,162 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Could your oh talk to her mother and maybe compromise that granny buys the bike for your childs birthday?

    Personally i dont see a problem with it if its seen as a gift from granny. A 4 yo isnt going to stand around comparing values of gifts.
    Depending on grannys age/health wouldnt the good memories your child has of their grandparent be worth more than certain issuesm


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    I get the point the OP is trying to make. But in looking at the post above, it's a bit of a leap to say the MIL has no respect for the OP or his partner.

    Anyhow, you guide the OP as best you can, and I'll add my tuppence with the same intention.

    Quite.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,289 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    In our family nanny has always bought the first bike the year they turned 4. She started with the first grandchild and continued it with all the others. They all know that nanny bought it for them. Sometimes they even went and picked it out. Sometimes nanny bought it, but Santy delivered it.

    I think if you're worried about the bike overshadowing Santy presents, then your worry is misplaced. If the issue is more that your mother-in-law regularly goes against your wishes and disrespects you as parents, then that's another issue. But I would think this is a "pick your battles" situation. Personally, I was delighted with the gift for my children. But my mother tends not to interfere in our parenting choices in general. So the gift was never a threat to us.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,790 ✭✭✭up for anything


    You're a bit late with the bike. I'm curious as to when you think the time is right. Most kids would have gotten their first bike between two and three years old I would have thought. The earlier they get it the less hassle it is for them to learn how to ride them - a bit like driving.

    I'd always be only too glad for the grannies to get what they liked for my kids. It strikes me that having already gotten on the wrong side of you she will never get back on the right side. For my money it's a lovely gesture and you're not going to bronze the thing when it's knackered and he's finished with it so I don't quite see the 'we want to get it' aspect.

    How and ever if you don't want her to get it it's probably easier for her daughter to say it to her than you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    You're a bit late with the bike. I'm curious as to when you think the time is right. Most kids would have gotten their first bike between two and three years old I would have thought. The earlier they get it the less hassle it is for them to learn how to ride them - a bit like driving.

    I'd always be only too glad for the grannies to get what they liked for my kids. It strikes me that having already gotten on the wrong side of you she will never get back on the right side. For my money it's a lovely gesture and you're not going to bronze the thing when it's knackered and he's finished with it so I don't quite see the 'we want to get it' aspect.

    How and ever if you don't want her to get it it's probably easier for her daughter to say it to her than you.
    At two or three a child would have a tricycle, not a bike. Even at 4 it's likely they would have stabilisers.

    I honestly don't think the op is being unreasonable here. He's stated that the MIL has been repeatedly asked not to buy this one gift as the parents feel that it's a gift they would like to give. I think any reasonable granny would say "ok fair enough, I wanted to buy it but if it's important to you, I'll get something else". End of conversation.

    The op has said the MIL has form for not going along with them. How long do you put up with that? Like I said earlier, if they give in now, do they have to give in when granny wants to buy a phone or a console? Do they still say nothing to keep the peace?

    The op and his partner feed and cloth this child. They are responsible for him and have to make all the hard decisions in his life. They are the parents. It's up to them to decide when he gets certain gifts. No one has the right to over rule them unless they are abusing the child.

    The op has is not some freak who thinks that children should never have a bike, he just wants to wait until the child is older. I really don't see anything wrong with this and the MIL should respect the wishes of the parents. I honestly don't understand why people are telling the op to bow down to the MIL. If a MIL opened a thread and said
    I want to buy my four year old grandson a bike for Christmas but my daughter and son-in-law have asked me on more than one occasion not to buy it as they feel the time is not right now and it's something they want to buy them in the future but I disagree with this. I'm going to buy it anyway and turn up with it on Christmas day and because they are family, I expect them to bite their tongues and just accept it.

    I am this child's grandmother. As a grandmother, all gifts from me should be greeted with gratitude. So the parents asked me not to do it. I think my daughter doesn't mind that much and my SIL is being selfish. He should just put up and shut up and I should be allowed to buy my grandchild whatever gift I deem appropriate.

    I think I am right. What do you guys think?
    I seriously doubt that granny would be told that she is in the right and op is being selfish and needs to let it go. There has been a lot of anecdotal stories above about children getting presents from their grandparents and they were really happy about it but think of it this way - you were looking at it from a childs point of view. Maybe it was a family tradition or maybe there were times your grandparents stepped over the line and your parents were p!ssed off but never let on to you!!

    Op sounds mature enough not to overreact if granny does turn up with a bike but I don't think him and his partner should be put in that situation. They asked her not to buy a bike. There's a million other toys she could buy. She's the grandparent, not the parent. It's not her call to make.

    Op Happy Christmas :)


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Paddy Cow wrote: »
    The op and his partner feed and cloth this child. They are responsible for him and have to make all the hard decisions in his life. They are the parents. It's up to them to decide when he gets certain gifts. No one has the right to over rule them unless they are abusing the child.

    But this is not the hard stuff. It's fairly insignificant (yes I know it's important to op) and once you get into arguments that kind of stuff it can blow up to bigger argument and cause unnecessary hardship. MIL is not someone who is easy to shut out of your life and most people don't want to. They tend to be handy child minders too.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,119 ✭✭✭job seeker


    Just to give you a different angle on this. I learned to cycle when I was 3 I remember my grandmother & grandfather (from different sides of the family) and parents were also present that day. (I, only knew one grand mother & one grandfather as my other grandfather/grandmother had passed away before I was born.) this memory of learning to cycle has stayed with me the last 21 years purely because I felt it was such an achievement. Which I shared with the people I was so fond of. I have no idea who got me the bike. That's not important at all.

    My grandmother also thought me many other things when I was young. She thought me to tie my shoe laces, to read, spell and also to tell the time. She also brought me many places. My grandmother has most definitely been a huge part of my childhood and I'm delighted to have such fond memories of her today.

    My grandfather was a large influence in my development as well, I wouldn't have the religious beliefs and faith I do today without him.

    My parents thought me other lessons, they thought me to work, drive, manage money, set a good example for my siblings, to try my best and that I can achieve anything I put my mind to and finally they thought me right from wrong.

    My point is Op, you'll have the largest influence in your childrens lives. You will also be there for birthdays, graduations, weddings, the birth of your grand children. etc etc.. As well as this, you'll teach you children the same life lessons my parents thought and teach me to this day which will have the largest influence on them and their development.

    It's nice to have memories, that's what really matter. But a bike is only a material object. Which you forget about once it get broken, lost and thrown out.. :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    meeeeh wrote: »
    But this is not the hard stuff. It's fairly insignificant (yes I know it's important to op) and once you get into arguments that kind of stuff it can blow up to bigger argument and cause unnecessary hardship. MIL is not someone who is easy to shut out of your life and most people don't want to. They tend to be handy child minders too.
    That's the point. It's important to the op and his partner. It's not for other people to decide that it's fairly insignificant, be they people on a forum or people in the op's life. This discussion wouldn't even be happening if the MIL said "ok I wanted to buy a bike but I respect that you want to get it at a later date. I'll get something else."

    MIL's shouldn't be causing conflict and there is nothing in the op to suggest that he relies on his for child minding. It is her causing the conflict but the op being expected to back down.

    The MIL is reasonable if she asks "would you mind if I get the child a bike for christmas?"

    Parents are reasonable to say "he's only four so we're not going to get him one yet. In a few years, when he's old enough, we'd like to be the ones to get it for him."

    MIL "I know you've asked me repeatedly not to get him one, but I'm going to anyway, deal with it".

    Posters in PI "op what's the big deal, you're selfish, let her get it, think about how great it will be for her and your son"

    Have I entered some parallel universe where parents are meant to arrange their parenting around the whims of others? :eek:


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,915 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Am I amongst the few who gets the OP's point? It's not about who gets the little guy what. It's about respecting boundaries, which your MiL seems unable to do. She's had her time with the children when they were small, and I daresay the same arguments with her in-laws too.

    It's completely up to Mum and Dad to decide what's best for their child. Not the MiL.

    I would have a word with your wife as others have suggested and let her deal with it. Four is too young for a bike anyway IMO.

    See this is it.Some people are saying 'see the bigger picture-it's just a bike' but actually, it's seeing the bigger picture and it's one more thing on the list of things that she won't listen to them about.

    My inlaws are not the worst but there are definitely times when they do not respect our boundaries.And I always ask myself am I overreacting because it's my in-laws.Sometimes I am. But other times-no, I am not, it is something I cannot compromise on and when taken in the context of how they normally behave, then I have to put my foot down.This sounds similar.

    I had great relationships with my grandparents, and my kids have great relationships with theirs.But the bottom line is we have a two way parenting arrangement- me and my OH.It is not a four way or six way one, involving all the grandparents.And for one set of grandparents that works absolutely fine.They are warm, loving, bring presents, love the kids and respect us as parents and adults.But for the other set, the boundaries blur often, where they feel it is their place to step in over my OH and I, and discipline or take over when they are there, have a say in our day to day arrangements,buy unsuitable presents and the like....and I'm sorry but no, that's not their job.And it means we have to set the lines in a stronger way with them, because they don't understand them.It sounds like the OP has a similar situation, and although it might seem nothing to us, it is a problem for him and his family, and if it isn't addressed, it just gets worse.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,790 ✭✭✭up for anything


    A bit off topic.
    Paddy Cow wrote: »
    At two or three a child would have a tricycle, not a bike. Even at 4 it's likely they would have stabilisers.

    My three boys were all cycling without stabilisers, as were some of their friends, before they turned three as did my grandson recently and his friend. I only had the opportunity to learn how to ride a bike when I was 11 at a friend's house and after that only one of my friend group had a bike so we all took it in turns or begged or borrowed someone else's. Even when mine were small over twenty years a ride-on was one of the first toys even before they could walk, then a tricycle followed quickly by a bike. Now there are all sorts of balance bikes for kids which teach them to a ride a bike more quickly than the pedalled sort. So really most children have a bike from very early on and most learn to ride them way before we did, this is why is seems strange to me to have a set age for getting one and for it being a big deal.

    I apologise, OP, if I seemed snarky about your problems with the MIL. They can be complete bane and I hope you get her sorted.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Paddy Cow wrote: »
    That's the point. It's important to the op and his partner. It's not for other people to decide that it's fairly insignificant, be they people on a forum or people in the op's life. This discussion wouldn't even be happening if the MIL said "ok I wanted to buy a bike but I respect that you want to get it at a later date. I'll get something else."
    It's not for us to decide but I don't know if you have children or not but hard bits are what food they are fed, how they are treated by grandparents or parents, what support do you have in case of sickness, do children find themselves in the middle of a conflict and things like that. That kind of stuff affects child's and family's life a lot more. If op thinks that an argument with MIL won't affect ability to negotiate those things then yes he can tell her to return the bicycle but families are not much different than work where you tend to pick your battles strategically. You are a lot less like to get into a spat with your best customer (family or closest friends) because you want to continue a relationship.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,246 ✭✭✭judeboy101


    Replace mil wants to get your son a bike despite your wishes with Jewish mil wants to have your son circumcised despite your wishes. Tell her its your house, you rules and she is free to buy her other grandkids a bike if she wants.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    judeboy101 wrote: »
    Replace mil wants to get your son a bike despite your wishes with Jewish mil wants to have your son circumcised despite your wishes. Tell her its your house, you rules and she is free to buy her other grandkids a bike if she wants.
    Yes because Christmas present is exactly the same as circumcision. Actually attitude like that illustrates so well why there are so many family spats.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,246 ✭✭✭judeboy101


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Yes because Christmas present is exactly the same as circumcision. Actually attitude like that illustrates so well why there are so many family spats.

    Actually the principle of consent is present in both scenarios. It's the thin edge of a edge and the begging of the mil undermining an effect healthy relationship between parent and child.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    judeboy101 wrote: »
    Replace mil wants to get your son a bike despite your wishes with Jewish mil wants to have your son circumcised despite your wishes. Tell her its your house, you rules and she is free to buy her other grandkids a bike if she wants.

    You're joking right? Medical procedure vs Christmas pressie. Not comparable in any way shape or form.

    Op I understand your frustration but I think it's a case of picking your battles. You son has a loving granny and you have a partner who would prefer to keep the peace than make a big deal out of it. Try enjoy the fun your son will get out of the bike. Do make sure she gets a helmet too though.

    You could head out and get a cool bell/stickers etc too if you want some part of the whole gifting of the bike.

    As an aside, i think 4 is late enough to be getting a first bike. Do you mean first two wheel bike without stabilisers or first bike in general. If it's the latter then she might feel like he's "missing out"


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