MIL Xmas Present for Son

Sunny Dayz

If the MIL is insisting on getting him a bike, would it be an option to keep it over in her house, for him to play with when he's over visiting? That way she has to take responsibility for it, store it etc.

Paddy Cow

If you back down on this, it's setting a precedent. What happens when granny decides it's time for her precious grandson to get a smartphone or games console because she wants to make him happy but you and your wife don't think it's the right time? Set your boundaries now and make her stick to them. It'll save you a lot of hassle in the future.

Hannibal_Smith

My grandad got me my first bike. It was for my birthday. I went to visit my grandparents with my mam and we weren't allowed in the front room, which was very annoying. Then every one (my mam, grandparents, great aunt and cousin) gathered in the hall behind me. My nana put her hands over my eyes, walked me into the room and when she took her hands away, i couldnt believe my eyes! There was a gorgeous blue bike in front of me...for me!!! The saddle was too high and I couldn't even ride a bike yet*. My dad was at home so no one could lower the saddle. They all took turns pushing me up and down the path outside the house ALL DAY! I must have wrecked their heads but not one of them complained in fairness to them!

If my parents were miffed that it was my grandad who got the bike, they didn't let on. It was a good day filled with loveliness. I got my first bike!!!

* I found out years later that he won it in the pub :pac:

If Your MIL gets the bike, be delighted for your kid. Because he's gonna be over the moon and that's really the whole point, isn't it?

MissShihTzu

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

If Your MIL gets the bike, be delighted for your kid. Because he's gonna be over the moon and that's really the whole point, isn't it?

Well, not quite. The little guy will be delighted, true. But that's not the point the OP is trying to make. His MiL apparently has no respect for him and his wife as parents and no boundaries.

Hannibal_Smith

keeffor wrote: »

....., there has been previous issues with my MIL regarding interference in the past. So that possibly contributes to my frustration as I would like her to just respect our opinion in things sometimes rather than purely doing what makes her happy. But maybe I am too close to the situation to view it objectively/fairly.

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Well, not quite. The little guy will be delighted, true. But that's not the point the OP is trying to make. His MiL apparently has no respect for him and his wife as parents and no boundaries.

I get the point the OP is trying to make. But in looking at the post above, it's a bit of a leap to say the MIL has no respect for the OP or his partner.

Anyhow, you guide the OP as best you can, and I'll add my tuppence with the same intention.

Rubberchikken

Could your oh talk to her mother and maybe compromise that granny buys the bike for your childs birthday?

Personally i dont see a problem with it if its seen as a gift from granny. A 4 yo isnt going to stand around comparing values of gifts.
Depending on grannys age/health wouldnt the good memories your child has of their grandparent be worth more than certain issuesm

MissShihTzu

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I get the point the OP is trying to make. But in looking at the post above, it's a bit of a leap to say the MIL has no respect for the OP or his partner.

Anyhow, you guide the OP as best you can, and I'll add my tuppence with the same intention.

Quite.

Big Bag of Chips

In our family nanny has always bought the first bike the year they turned 4. She started with the first grandchild and continued it with all the others. They all know that nanny bought it for them. Sometimes they even went and picked it out. Sometimes nanny bought it, but Santy delivered it.

I think if you're worried about the bike overshadowing Santy presents, then your worry is misplaced. If the issue is more that your mother-in-law regularly goes against your wishes and disrespects you as parents, then that's another issue. But I would think this is a "pick your battles" situation. Personally, I was delighted with the gift for my children. But my mother tends not to interfere in our parenting choices in general. So the gift was never a threat to us.

up for anything

You're a bit late with the bike. I'm curious as to when you think the time is right. Most kids would have gotten their first bike between two and three years old I would have thought. The earlier they get it the less hassle it is for them to learn how to ride them - a bit like driving.

I'd always be only too glad for the grannies to get what they liked for my kids. It strikes me that having already gotten on the wrong side of you she will never get back on the right side. For my money it's a lovely gesture and you're not going to bronze the thing when it's knackered and he's finished with it so I don't quite see the 'we want to get it' aspect.

How and ever if you don't want her to get it it's probably easier for her daughter to say it to her than you.

Paddy Cow

up for anything wrote: »

You're a bit late with the bike. I'm curious as to when you think the time is right. Most kids would have gotten their first bike between two and three years old I would have thought. The earlier they get it the less hassle it is for them to learn how to ride them - a bit like driving.

I'd always be only too glad for the grannies to get what they liked for my kids. It strikes me that having already gotten on the wrong side of you she will never get back on the right side. For my money it's a lovely gesture and you're not going to bronze the thing when it's knackered and he's finished with it so I don't quite see the 'we want to get it' aspect.

How and ever if you don't want her to get it it's probably easier for her daughter to say it to her than you.

At two or three a child would have a tricycle, not a bike. Even at 4 it's likely they would have stabilisers.

I honestly don't think the op is being unreasonable here. He's stated that the MIL has been repeatedly asked not to buy this one gift as the parents feel that it's a gift they would like to give. I think any reasonable granny would say "ok fair enough, I wanted to buy it but if it's important to you, I'll get something else". End of conversation.

The op has said the MIL has form for not going along with them. How long do you put up with that? Like I said earlier, if they give in now, do they have to give in when granny wants to buy a phone or a console? Do they still say nothing to keep the peace?

The op and his partner feed and cloth this child. They are responsible for him and have to make all the hard decisions in his life. They are the parents. It's up to them to decide when he gets certain gifts. No one has the right to over rule them unless they are abusing the child.

The op has is not some freak who thinks that children should never have a bike, he just wants to wait until the child is older. I really don't see anything wrong with this and the MIL should respect the wishes of the parents. I honestly don't understand why people are telling the op to bow down to the MIL. If a MIL opened a thread and said

I want to buy my four year old grandson a bike for Christmas but my daughter and son-in-law have asked me on more than one occasion not to buy it as they feel the time is not right now and it's something they want to buy them in the future but I disagree with this. I'm going to buy it anyway and turn up with it on Christmas day and because they are family, I expect them to bite their tongues and just accept it.

I am this child's grandmother. As a grandmother, all gifts from me should be greeted with gratitude. So the parents asked me not to do it. I think my daughter doesn't mind that much and my SIL is being selfish. He should just put up and shut up and I should be allowed to buy my grandchild whatever gift I deem appropriate.

I think I am right. What do you guys think?

I seriously doubt that granny would be told that she is in the right and op is being selfish and needs to let it go. There has been a lot of anecdotal stories above about children getting presents from their grandparents and they were really happy about it but think of it this way - you were looking at it from a childs point of view. Maybe it was a family tradition or maybe there were times your grandparents stepped over the line and your parents were p!ssed off but never let on to you!!

Op sounds mature enough not to overreact if granny does turn up with a bike but I don't think him and his partner should be put in that situation. They asked her not to buy a bike. There's a million other toys she could buy. She's the grandparent, not the parent. It's not her call to make.

Op Happy Christmas

meeeeh

Paddy Cow wrote: »

The op and his partner feed and cloth this child. They are responsible for him and have to make all the hard decisions in his life. They are the parents. It's up to them to decide when he gets certain gifts. No one has the right to over rule them unless they are abusing the child.

But this is not the hard stuff. It's fairly insignificant (yes I know it's important to op) and once you get into arguments that kind of stuff it can blow up to bigger argument and cause unnecessary hardship. MIL is not someone who is easy to shut out of your life and most people don't want to. They tend to be handy child minders too.

job seeker

Just to give you a different angle on this. I learned to cycle when I was 3 I remember my grandmother & grandfather (from different sides of the family) and parents were also present that day. (I, only knew one grand mother & one grandfather as my other grandfather/grandmother had passed away before I was born.) this memory of learning to cycle has stayed with me the last 21 years purely because I felt it was such an achievement. Which I shared with the people I was so fond of. I have no idea who got me the bike. That's not important at all.

My grandmother also thought me many other things when I was young. She thought me to tie my shoe laces, to read, spell and also to tell the time. She also brought me many places. My grandmother has most definitely been a huge part of my childhood and I'm delighted to have such fond memories of her today.

My grandfather was a large influence in my development as well, I wouldn't have the religious beliefs and faith I do today without him.

My parents thought me other lessons, they thought me to work, drive, manage money, set a good example for my siblings, to try my best and that I can achieve anything I put my mind to and finally they thought me right from wrong.

My point is Op, you'll have the largest influence in your childrens lives. You will also be there for birthdays, graduations, weddings, the birth of your grand children. etc etc.. As well as this, you'll teach you children the same life lessons my parents thought and teach me to this day which will have the largest influence on them and their development.

It's nice to have memories, that's what really matter. But a bike is only a material object. Which you forget about once it get broken, lost and thrown out..

Paddy Cow

meeeeh wrote: »

But this is not the hard stuff. It's fairly insignificant (yes I know it's important to op) and once you get into arguments that kind of stuff it can blow up to bigger argument and cause unnecessary hardship. MIL is not someone who is easy to shut out of your life and most people don't want to. They tend to be handy child minders too.

That's the point. It's important to the op and his partner. It's not for other people to decide that it's fairly insignificant, be they people on a forum or people in the op's life. This discussion wouldn't even be happening if the MIL said "ok I wanted to buy a bike but I respect that you want to get it at a later date. I'll get something else."

MIL's shouldn't be causing conflict and there is nothing in the op to suggest that he relies on his for child minding. It is her causing the conflict but the op being expected to back down.

The MIL is reasonable if she asks "would you mind if I get the child a bike for christmas?"

Parents are reasonable to say "he's only four so we're not going to get him one yet. In a few years, when he's old enough, we'd like to be the ones to get it for him."

MIL "I know you've asked me repeatedly not to get him one, but I'm going to anyway, deal with it".

Posters in PI "op what's the big deal, you're selfish, let her get it, think about how great it will be for her and your son"

Have I entered some parallel universe where parents are meant to arrange their parenting around the whims of others? :eek:

shesty

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Am I amongst the few who gets the OP's point? It's not about who gets the little guy what. It's about respecting boundaries, which your MiL seems unable to do. She's had her time with the children when they were small, and I daresay the same arguments with her in-laws too.

It's completely up to Mum and Dad to decide what's best for their child. Not the MiL.

I would have a word with your wife as others have suggested and let her deal with it. Four is too young for a bike anyway IMO.

See this is it.Some people are saying 'see the bigger picture-it's just a bike' but actually, it's seeing the bigger picture and it's one more thing on the list of things that she won't listen to them about.

My inlaws are not the worst but there are definitely times when they do not respect our boundaries.And I always ask myself am I overreacting because it's my in-laws.Sometimes I am. But other times-no, I am not, it is something I cannot compromise on and when taken in the context of how they normally behave, then I have to put my foot down.This sounds similar.

I had great relationships with my grandparents, and my kids have great relationships with theirs.But the bottom line is we have a two way parenting arrangement- me and my OH.It is not a four way or six way one, involving all the grandparents.And for one set of grandparents that works absolutely fine.They are warm, loving, bring presents, love the kids and respect us as parents and adults.But for the other set, the boundaries blur often, where they feel it is their place to step in over my OH and I, and discipline or take over when they are there, have a say in our day to day arrangements,buy unsuitable presents and the like....and I'm sorry but no, that's not their job.And it means we have to set the lines in a stronger way with them, because they don't understand them.It sounds like the OP has a similar situation, and although it might seem nothing to us, it is a problem for him and his family, and if it isn't addressed, it just gets worse.

up for anything

A bit off topic.

Paddy Cow wrote: »

At two or three a child would have a tricycle, not a bike. Even at 4 it's likely they would have stabilisers.

My three boys were all cycling without stabilisers, as were some of their friends, before they turned three as did my grandson recently and his friend. I only had the opportunity to learn how to ride a bike when I was 11 at a friend's house and after that only one of my friend group had a bike so we all took it in turns or begged or borrowed someone else's. Even when mine were small over twenty years a ride-on was one of the first toys even before they could walk, then a tricycle followed quickly by a bike. Now there are all sorts of balance bikes for kids which teach them to a ride a bike more quickly than the pedalled sort. So really most children have a bike from very early on and most learn to ride them way before we did, this is why is seems strange to me to have a set age for getting one and for it being a big deal.

I apologise, OP, if I seemed snarky about your problems with the MIL. They can be complete bane and I hope you get her sorted.

meeeeh

Paddy Cow wrote: »

That's the point. It's important to the op and his partner. It's not for other people to decide that it's fairly insignificant, be they people on a forum or people in the op's life. This discussion wouldn't even be happening if the MIL said "ok I wanted to buy a bike but I respect that you want to get it at a later date. I'll get something else."

It's not for us to decide but I don't know if you have children or not but hard bits are what food they are fed, how they are treated by grandparents or parents, what support do you have in case of sickness, do children find themselves in the middle of a conflict and things like that. That kind of stuff affects child's and family's life a lot more. If op thinks that an argument with MIL won't affect ability to negotiate those things then yes he can tell her to return the bicycle but families are not much different than work where you tend to pick your battles strategically. You are a lot less like to get into a spat with your best customer (family or closest friends) because you want to continue a relationship.

judeboy101

Replace mil wants to get your son a bike despite your wishes with Jewish mil wants to have your son circumcised despite your wishes. Tell her its your house, you rules and she is free to buy her other grandkids a bike if she wants.

meeeeh

judeboy101 wrote: »

Replace mil wants to get your son a bike despite your wishes with Jewish mil wants to have your son circumcised despite your wishes. Tell her its your house, you rules and she is free to buy her other grandkids a bike if she wants.

Yes because Christmas present is exactly the same as circumcision. Actually attitude like that illustrates so well why there are so many family spats.

judeboy101

meeeeh wrote: »

Yes because Christmas present is exactly the same as circumcision. Actually attitude like that illustrates so well why there are so many family spats.

Actually the principle of consent is present in both scenarios. It's the thin edge of a edge and the begging of the mil undermining an effect healthy relationship between parent and child.

Whispered

judeboy101 wrote: »

Replace mil wants to get your son a bike despite your wishes with Jewish mil wants to have your son circumcised despite your wishes. Tell her its your house, you rules and she is free to buy her other grandkids a bike if she wants.

You're joking right? Medical procedure vs Christmas pressie. Not comparable in any way shape or form.

Op I understand your frustration but I think it's a case of picking your battles. You son has a loving granny and you have a partner who would prefer to keep the peace than make a big deal out of it. Try enjoy the fun your son will get out of the bike. Do make sure she gets a helmet too though.

You could head out and get a cool bell/stickers etc too if you want some part of the whole gifting of the bike.

As an aside, i think 4 is late enough to be getting a first bike. Do you mean first two wheel bike without stabilisers or first bike in general. If it's the latter then she might feel like he's "missing out"

Paddy Cow

up for anything wrote: »

A bit off topic.



My three boys were all cycling without stabilisers, as were some of their friends, before they turned three as did my grandson recently and his friend. I only had the opportunity to learn how to ride a bike when I was 11 at a friend's house and after that only one of my friend group had a bike so we all took it in turns or begged or borrowed someone else's. Even when mine were small over twenty years a ride-on was one of the first toys even before they could walk, then a tricycle followed quickly by a bike. Now there are all sorts of balance bikes for kids which teach them to a ride a bike more quickly than the pedalled sort. So really most children have a bike from very early on and most learn to ride them way before we did, this is why is seems strange to me to have a set age for getting one and for it being a big deal.

I apologise, OP, if I seemed snarky about your problems with the MIL. They can be complete bane and I hope you get her sorted.

Wow that's impressive :eek: I'll happily stand corrected I was older than four when I got a "proper" bike! I didn't think 4 or under would have the balance and coordination to ride without stabilisers.

ShaShaBear

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Wow that's impressive :eek: I'll happily stand corrected I was older than four when I got a "proper" bike! I didn't think 4 or under would have the balance and coordination to ride without stabilisers.

I certainly know neither of my under 4s would have a hope - and I was 7 when I got my first bike!

leggo

Paddy Cow wrote: »

The op has said the MIL has form for not going along with them. How long do you put up with that? Like I said earlier, if they give in now, do they have to give in when granny wants to buy a phone or a console? Do they still say nothing to keep the peace?

I was on the fence until I read this, and it's so right: ultimately, she's making a life decision for the child. If he gets a bike, the parents have to teach him to cycle now. Not a big deal and something they'll have to do soon anyway...but it's their decision to make. If she got a phone, I'd say people would hit the roof about it, but she's still doing the exact same thing here. You're the grandparent, you don't get to make those kind of decisions for the child unless you're expressly told that you do, and I think it's a boundary worth drawing.

deisemum

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Wow that's impressive :eek: I'll happily stand corrected I was older than four when I got a "proper" bike! I didn't think 4 or under would have the balance and coordination to ride without stabilisers.

A lot of 4 year olds are able to cycle a bike without stabilisers as they've gottne a bike with stabilisers when they were 2 - 3 years old and were well able to manage without stabilisers by 4.

The MIL needs to respect the parents wishes on this, maybe santa can bring the bike and granny can get a helmet for it.