Is this just lad banter?

Dash1993 · 22-09-2017 08:09AM #1

My boyfriend and his workmates I've noticed are laddy but I I know I shouldn't have, I recently found texts on my boyfriends phone when he was talking to a mate about a new girl from work who he had been out drinking with for eight hours at a work event with their other colleagues. He said he had fell a bit in love with her. should I be worried about this? He backtracked the next day and said that he fell a bit in love with her, but that he supposes that's what happens after 10 pints. I later found some messages kind of Bantery with two of his other friends about the girl being one of the top three in the office and all three of his mates were engaging in sexualised banter about her . Is it just the word 'fell in love with.' His use of the word 'fell in love with' im not sure what to think. Whether it was just an inapprorpriate word he used to mean he was crushing on her or if he was hyperbolising.

As a side note, nothing has changed in our relationship he is still loving and makes effort and he's actually taken the initiative to ask me to move in with him which I dont think you'd do if you werent a complete moronif and he was actually in love with another girl I feel . Looking for some help to understand this

and what is to be expected with lads and their ridiculous office / women banter

Batgurl · 22-09-2017 09:15AM

Different strokes for different folks. The important question to ask is how's do YOU feel about this? Assume he won't change; are you going to accept this way he talks about women with his mates? Does this breach your trust. Will you continue to distrust and overanalyse every word or sentence he says when it relates to the other woman?

As an aside, I'm guessing deep down you're worried that something will happen between him and this woman but have you ever stopped to think about her? She's being objectified and insulted. And instead of telling your boyfriend that he shouldn't treat women like that, you're assuming she will steal your bloke.

BetsyEllen · 22-09-2017 09:44AM

It's not very nice that you've seen those messages and it must have felt horrible.

However, to be fair, I think it's just banter.
We all have little crushes on people now and again, regardless of how happy we are in a relationship.
I personally have said many a time 'oh girls I think I'm in love!' if I'm out and a good looking fella walks by or if I see someone amazing on the TV.

It's just a figure of speech.

I'm not going to berate you for checking your boyfriends phone however you do need to think about why you checked it.
You say nothing has changed in the relationship so why did you have a feeling you needed to snoop?
Unless this is a regular thing in your relationship (which would be huge cause for concern) then something obviously has changed for you to feel the need to look.

Does he know you've seen the messages?

hobie21 · 22-09-2017 09:49AM

You went through your boyfriend's phone and mention it like it's nothing or normal. Did your boyfriend do anything to warrant this level of intrusion? If my girlfriend went through my phone she would be getting her p45 papers fairly quick. And yes it was just boy talk.

leggo · 22-09-2017 10:41AM

1) The relationship is over barring the screaming once phones start getting checked. That's the big issue here and one you need to deal with if you would like this relationship to continue. Has he given you any reason to mistrust him? Even so, the lack of trust should've been addressed before you checked the phone. If it's just insecurities, then that's the kind of behaviour that gets you walked out on.

2) It's unfortunate that you saw this and felt that way. Does it mean something? Well a lot of us do have stupid, meaningless crushes on people we work with that may even escalate into flirty banter, relationship or not, but that's more to get through the day quicker than actually wanting to act on it. People don't tend to speak of it, but it mostly is harmless and can even be healthy. I wouldn't particularly want to know if a girl I was with had a similar deal with a guy, but I also wouldn't care that much either or feel threatened by it. That may or may not sum it up, though it really hinges on what your answer to the first question is, because sure, it could definitely also be more if you have any reason to mistrust him.

Dash1993 · 22-09-2017 01:10PM

BetsyEllen wrote: »

It's not very nice that you've seen those messages and it must have felt horrible.

However, to be fair, I think it's just banter.
We all have little crushes on people now and again, regardless of how happy we are in a relationship.
I personally have said many a time 'oh girls I think I'm in love!' if I'm out and a good looking fella walks by or if I see someone amazing on the TV.

It's just a figure of speech.

I'm not going to berate you for checking your boyfriends phone however you do need to think about why you checked it.
You say nothing has changed in the relationship so why did you have a feeling you needed to snoop?
Unless this is a regular thing in your relationship (which would be huge cause for concern) then something obviously has changed for you to feel the need to look.

Does he know you've seen the messages?

no he doesn't know that I've read his messAge. Thing is I have no idea why I felt like I needed to, I remember just having a bad feeling as if something bad has happened. I read a lot, but I think it is just a crush really than anything that he is referring to. I know they were all saying how fit they were between all of his mates. It's just it still does definitely worry me. I just don't know what to do about it

Dash1993 · 22-09-2017 01:12PM

hobie21 wrote: »

You went through your boyfriend's phone and mention it like it's nothing or normal. Did your boyfriend do anything to warrant this level of intrusion? If my girlfriend went through my phone she would be getting her p45 papers fairly quick. And yes it was just boy talk.

I do fully know it was wrong of me to do that, I fully feel bad and didn't want to, but I just felt like something was wrong the day I did it. It doesn't excuse it I know it was awful and I got what I deserved. But I just wanted to make sure it was boy talk and nothing really more, it doesn't make me feel good about the lad banter but if that's mostly what it is then I can feel relieved at that and that he's not actually fully in love with her

Lu Tze · 22-09-2017 01:18PM

Dash1993 wrote: »

I do fully know it was wrong of me to do that, I fully feel bad and didn't want to, but I just felt like something was wrong the day I did it. It doesn't excuse it I know it was awful and I got what I deserved. But I just wanted to make sure it was boy talk and nothing really more, it doesn't make me feel good about the lad banter but if that's mostly what it is then I can feel relieved at that and that he's not actually fully in love with her

Great, and then presumably you won't be snooping in his phone anymore? This is breaking trust, not just between the two of you, between him and his mates who's privacy you are intruding on.

BetsyEllen · 22-09-2017 01:51PM

Lu Tze wrote: »

Great, and then presumably you won't be snooping in his phone anymore? This is breaking trust, not just between the two of you, between him and his mates who's privacy you are intruding on.

Give her a break will you, she knows she was wrong.

Mr. Incognito · 22-09-2017 02:56PM

This is what you get for snooping on someones phone.

People are entitled to their privacy and to their male commentary with their male friends.

He might be in a relationship with you but that doesnt mean he is neutured and doesnt look/ fancy other girls.

Your options are

1. Bring it up with him - there's nothing for him to defend in my view and if you were my gf I'd certainly dump you.

2. Take this emotional upset as a lesson not to check your partners phone in future.

khaldrogo · 22-09-2017 06:35PM

I'd say 90% of straight men who work with women have said this and more to their mates at one time. Its fantasy. Nothing more. She's probably way out of his league too.

My misses has a little pick of a movie star with his top off in her locker. I haven't divorced her yet

Dash1993 wrote:

My boyfriend and his workmates I've noticed are laddy but I I know I shouldn't have, I recently found texts on my boyfriends phone when he was talking to a mate about a new girl from work who he had been out drinking with for eight hours at a work event with their other colleagues. He said he had fell a bit in love with her. should I be worried about this? He backtracked the next day and said that he fell a bit in love with her, but that he supposes that's what happens after 10 pints. I later found some messages kind of Bantery with two of his other friends about the girl being one of the top three in the office and all three of his mates were engaging in sexualised banter about her . Is it just the word 'fell in love with.' His use of the word 'fell in love with' im not sure what to think. Whether it was just an inapprorpriate word he used to mean he was crushing on her or if he was hyperbolising.

retro:electro · 22-09-2017 08:36PM

Am I mad? I'm probably alone here but I would find this so hurtful too. My boyfriend has women he calls his "wife" and women who he's in love with- but these are all celebs and not real world people! That's where the line is drawn for me. I'd be hurt if I read my boyfriend said this about a girl he's spending time with on a regular basis. It wasn't just a once off comment either- sexualised banter and top 3 in the office?

Come on like we aren't made of stone. There's a consensus here lately to make people feel like they're mad and everyone else is so chilled and cool about these things and it's not true. I bet most of the posters here would be hurt if they uncovered the same.

leggo · 22-09-2017 08:49PM

anna080 wrote: »

Come on like we aren't made of stone. There's a consensus here lately to make people feel like they're mad and everyone else is so chilled and cool about these things and it's not true. I bet most of the posters here would be hurt if they uncovered the same.

But you do realise that your boyfriend is probably attracted to other women he knows in real life, and he always will be, right? I know one lad who is as loyal and trustworthy as they come, but he'll still get a kick out of winding girls up, having a flirt and watching as they try to pull him. He would never, ever cheat and his girlfriend has zero to worry about. Those little ego boosts etc that we get a kick out of when we're single don't just disappear overnight when we get with someone, the amount of taken people who'll grab my Tinder and mess around on it for example.

The thing is: don't go snooping and you won't find out any of this. The OP did and now she's hurt and confused when the boyfriend likely hasn't done anything wrong. We'd all get hurt if we dug deep enough, because many people like to delude themselves into believing they're the only person on the planet their partner is attracted to. And that's fine as long as they don't go digging for the truth, because it's only human to fancy others.

retro:electro · 22-09-2017 08:52PM

Sure, and there are guys I work with who I think are lovely looking- but that's where it begins and ends for me. The day I find myself engaging in sexual banter about them and adding them into my top 3 office hotties, never mind joke that I've "fallen in love" with one- is the day I know I need to be single.
And your friend sounds like an idiot.

leggo · 22-09-2017 10:00PM

anna080 wrote: »

Sure, and there are guys I work with who I think are lovely looking- but that's where it begins and ends for me. The day I find myself engaging in sexual banter about them and adding them into my top 3 office hotties, never mind joke that I've "fallen in love" with one- is the day I know I need to be single.

I think that's an overreaction. I'll often joke with people I know who are in happy relationships about people we encounter who we're 'in love with'. It's a pure pisstake.

retro:electro · 22-09-2017 10:01PM

leggo wrote: »

I think that's an overreaction. I'll often joke with people I know who are in happy relationships about people we encounter who we're 'in love with'. It's a pure pisstake.

Well there you have it. You're trying to justify your own behaviour and normalise it. What's acceptable in one relationship isn't acceptable in all.
The op isn't comfortable with this and she's not wrong to feel hurt.

leggo · 22-09-2017 10:18PM

I'm single, I don't need to justify or normalise anything :pac:. I feel for the OP, but my point is that this isn't odd behaviour and she wouldn't be hurt if she hadn't snooped, simple as.

fungun · 22-09-2017 10:30PM

I could understand the hurt tbh......banter for me would be "She is hot" or "Ive a bit of a crush on her"......."I fell in love with her a bit" sounds stronger to me. But its all in the ears that hear it and whats normal for you guys.

meeeeh · 22-09-2017 10:44PM

leggo wrote: »

I'm single, I don't need to justify or normalise anything :pac:. I feel for the OP, but my point is that this isn't odd behaviour and she wouldn't be hurt if she hadn't snooped, simple as.

I'm easy going, I can't remember ever being jealous or worried in over ten years with my partner. And yet if I saw "I'm a bit in love with her" text I would be quite annoyed and hurt. It's disrespectful.

I think there is need for decency and respect in a relationship. I'm not sure that there was any truth in the comment but at best op was a subject of a laddish joke.

Btw winding girls up as an ego boost is pretty pathetic and vain. Your friend is too much of a chicken to cheat and too self absorbed to care about the feelings of the girls he is leading on or about the feelings of his girlfriend.

retro:electro · 22-09-2017 10:56PM

leggo wrote: »

I'm single, I don't need to justify or normalise anything :pac:. I feel for the OP, but my point is that this isn't odd behaviour and she wouldn't be hurt if she hadn't snooped, simple as.

Well then please don't use your friends as a barometer for what's appropriate in a relationship, because quite frankly, they sound like idiots.

strandroad · 22-09-2017 11:06PM

leggo wrote: »

I'm single, I don't need to justify or normalise anything :pac:. I feel for the OP, but my point is that this isn't odd behaviour and she wouldn't be hurt if she hadn't snooped, simple as.

I would see it as odd is anyone in my workplace started naming colleagues they are "in love with", even if it's banter over pints. Extremely odd if they are not single.

leggo · 22-09-2017 11:46PM

Yeah guys, you're getting up on a moral high ground now analysing figures of speech within an inch of their life to try and validate your own insecurities. This isn't what this thread is for.

People have crushes sometimes whether they're in a relationship or not, it doesn't mean they're cheating. This is the real world and some of those realities may not be pleasant but it doesn't make them less real. You can deal with that reality or you can crusade against me for pointing it out and continue to delude yourself, as if calling me or my friends idiots will change that reality and your boyfriend's won't find anyone else but you attractive...it's your lives, I really don't care.

leggo · 22-09-2017 11:49PM

meeeeh wrote: »

Btw winding girls up as an ego boost is pretty pathetic and vain. Your friend is too much of a chicken to cheat and too self absorbed to care about the feelings of the girls he is leading on or about the feelings of his girlfriend.

Such a generalisation. You've zero idea of the context or anything, you just sound like you're on a mission to call someone you don't know names here. Stop projecting.

EmptyTree · 23-09-2017 11:05PM

I think this is just lad banter. But I'd more more interested to know has the OP checked her bf's messages or other bf's messages before? OP had a feeling something was up and checked his messages. Was this habit or was it stand alone intuition? If it's intuition then perhaps this should not be ignored.

Daisy78 · 23-09-2017 11:09PM

leggo wrote: »

But you do realise that your boyfriend is probably attracted to other women he knows in real life, and he always will be, right? I know one lad who is as loyal and trustworthy as they come, but he'll still get a kick out of winding girls up, having a flirt and watching as they try to pull him. He would never, ever cheat and his girlfriend has zero to worry about. Those little ego boosts etc that we get a kick out of when we're single don't just disappear overnight when we get with someone, the amount of taken people who'll grab my Tinder and mess around on it for example.

And what about the girls he is winding up? He gets a bit of attention, his ego boost whilst completely wasting their time and chance of meeting someone who is available. I've had this done to me and it's just horrible. All the while his girlfriend or even wife in some circumstances is sitting at home thinking he is just out with the lads for a few drinks. All well and good to have your cake and eat it but perhaps think for a moment of the impact your actions might have on the women you are interacting with, not completely harmless!!

Op I would be disappointed if I saw this on my boyfriends phone, it's one thing to talk about women in the office but to say you are a "little bit in love" is bizarre to be honest. I'm not sure how to advise you but I think you are right to have an issue with it.

leggo · 24-09-2017 08:04AM

Yeah, see context is key. I'm sure it has happened to you and is annoying, but in this case it's people who know him and know he has a girlfriend and are trying to get him to cheat (he works in an industry where this kinda thing is rife). So if you're trying to get a guy to cheat then you really have no right to complain if you end up getting your feelings hurt.

Would you still like to compare your situation to this or should we go back to focusing on the OP?

Keyzer · 24-09-2017 08:27AM

You shouldn't have gone near his phone. If anyone is at blame here then it's you. I would never trust you again

GingerLily · 24-09-2017 10:53AM

leggo wrote: »

Yeah, see context is key. I'm sure it has happened to you and is annoying, but in this case it's people who know him and know he has a girlfriend and are trying to get him to cheat (he works in an industry where this kinda thing is rife). So if you're trying to get a guy to cheat then you really have no right to complain if you end up getting your feelings hurt.

Would you still like to compare your situation to this or should we go back to focusing on the OP?

Your friend doesn't sound like a nice guy - but this thread isn't about your friend!

OP I wouldn't be happy with that message at all it if came from my husband but that's because I know his mannerisms and that would be out of character for him.

leggo · 24-09-2017 11:01AM

GingerLily wrote: »

but this thread isn't about your friend!

We can agree on this. In fact, in the very post you quoted, that was exactly my point. But thanks for taking time to make a comment about a person you don't know before saying "but it's not about that!"

GingerLily · 24-09-2017 11:06AM

leggo wrote: »

We can agree on this. In fact, in the very post you quoted, that was exactly my point. But thanks for taking time to make a comment about a person you don't know before saying "but it's not about that!"

You're welcome!

Big Bag of Chips · 24-09-2017 11:16AM

Mod Note
leggo, GingerLily and anna080 can you all just cop on. You are all here long enough to know your posts on this thread are off-topic.

Please, stop the petty over and back and aim all your replies at the OP, bearing in mind "mature, constructive advice". It is possible to disagree with a poster and construct a reply whilst remaining mature and civil.

I think you've all been warned about this style of posting previously. Next instance will result in an official warning.

Is this just lad banter?

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