Is this just lad banter?

Dash1993

My boyfriend and his workmates I've noticed are laddy but I I know I shouldn't have, I recently found texts on my boyfriends phone when he was talking to a mate about a new girl from work who he had been out drinking with for eight hours at a work event with their other colleagues. He said he had fell a bit in love with her. should I be worried about this? He backtracked the next day and said that he fell a bit in love with her, but that he supposes that's what happens after 10 pints. I later found some messages kind of Bantery with two of his other friends about the girl being one of the top three in the office and all three of his mates were engaging in sexualised banter about her . Is it just the word 'fell in love with.' His use of the word 'fell in love with' im not sure what to think. Whether it was just an inapprorpriate word he used to mean he was crushing on her or if he was hyperbolising.

As a side note, nothing has changed in our relationship he is still loving and makes effort and he's actually taken the initiative to ask me to move in with him which I dont think you'd do if you werent a complete moronif and he was actually in love with another girl I feel . Looking for some help to understand this and what is to be expected with lads and their ridiculous office / women banter

Batgurl

Different strokes for different folks. The important question to ask is how's do YOU feel about this? Assume he won't change; are you going to accept this way he talks about women with his mates? Does this breach your trust. Will you continue to distrust and overanalyse every word or sentence he says when it relates to the other woman?

As an aside, I'm guessing deep down you're worried that something will happen between him and this woman but have you ever stopped to think about her? She's being objectified and insulted. And instead of telling your boyfriend that he shouldn't treat women like that, you're assuming she will steal your bloke.

BetsyEllen

It's not very nice that you've seen those messages and it must have felt horrible.

However, to be fair, I think it's just banter.
We all have little crushes on people now and again, regardless of how happy we are in a relationship.
I personally have said many a time 'oh girls I think I'm in love!' if I'm out and a good looking fella walks by or if I see someone amazing on the TV.

It's just a figure of speech.

I'm not going to berate you for checking your boyfriends phone however you do need to think about why you checked it.
You say nothing has changed in the relationship so why did you have a feeling you needed to snoop?
Unless this is a regular thing in your relationship (which would be huge cause for concern) then something obviously has changed for you to feel the need to look.

Does he know you've seen the messages?

hobie21

You went through your boyfriend's phone and mention it like it's nothing or normal. Did your boyfriend do anything to warrant this level of intrusion? If my girlfriend went through my phone she would be getting her p45 papers fairly quick. And yes it was just boy talk.

leggo

1) The relationship is over barring the screaming once phones start getting checked. That's the big issue here and one you need to deal with if you would like this relationship to continue. Has he given you any reason to mistrust him? Even so, the lack of trust should've been addressed before you checked the phone. If it's just insecurities, then that's the kind of behaviour that gets you walked out on.

2) It's unfortunate that you saw this and felt that way. Does it mean something? Well a lot of us do have stupid, meaningless crushes on people we work with that may even escalate into flirty banter, relationship or not, but that's more to get through the day quicker than actually wanting to act on it. People don't tend to speak of it, but it mostly is harmless and can even be healthy. I wouldn't particularly want to know if a girl I was with had a similar deal with a guy, but I also wouldn't care that much either or feel threatened by it. That may or may not sum it up, though it really hinges on what your answer to the first question is, because sure, it could definitely also be more if you have any reason to mistrust him.

Dash1993

BetsyEllen wrote: »

It's not very nice that you've seen those messages and it must have felt horrible.

However, to be fair, I think it's just banter.
We all have little crushes on people now and again, regardless of how happy we are in a relationship.
I personally have said many a time 'oh girls I think I'm in love!' if I'm out and a good looking fella walks by or if I see someone amazing on the TV.

It's just a figure of speech.

I'm not going to berate you for checking your boyfriends phone however you do need to think about why you checked it.
You say nothing has changed in the relationship so why did you have a feeling you needed to snoop?
Unless this is a regular thing in your relationship (which would be huge cause for concern) then something obviously has changed for you to feel the need to look.

Does he know you've seen the messages?

no he doesn't know that I've read his messAge. Thing is I have no idea why I felt like I needed to, I remember just having a bad feeling as if something bad has happened. I read a lot, but I think it is just a crush really than anything that he is referring to. I know they were all saying how fit they were between all of his mates. It's just it still does definitely worry me. I just don't know what to do about it

Dash1993

hobie21 wrote: »

You went through your boyfriend's phone and mention it like it's nothing or normal. Did your boyfriend do anything to warrant this level of intrusion? If my girlfriend went through my phone she would be getting her p45 papers fairly quick. And yes it was just boy talk.

I do fully know it was wrong of me to do that, I fully feel bad and didn't want to, but I just felt like something was wrong the day I did it. It doesn't excuse it I know it was awful and I got what I deserved. But I just wanted to make sure it was boy talk and nothing really more, it doesn't make me feel good about the lad banter but if that's mostly what it is then I can feel relieved at that and that he's not actually fully in love with her

Lu Tze

Dash1993 wrote: »

I do fully know it was wrong of me to do that, I fully feel bad and didn't want to, but I just felt like something was wrong the day I did it. It doesn't excuse it I know it was awful and I got what I deserved. But I just wanted to make sure it was boy talk and nothing really more, it doesn't make me feel good about the lad banter but if that's mostly what it is then I can feel relieved at that and that he's not actually fully in love with her

Great, and then presumably you won't be snooping in his phone anymore? This is breaking trust, not just between the two of you, between him and his mates who's privacy you are intruding on.

BetsyEllen

Lu Tze wrote: »

Great, and then presumably you won't be snooping in his phone anymore? This is breaking trust, not just between the two of you, between him and his mates who's privacy you are intruding on.

Give her a break will you, she knows she was wrong.

Mr. Incognito

This is what you get for snooping on someones phone.

People are entitled to their privacy and to their male commentary with their male friends.

He might be in a relationship with you but that doesnt mean he is neutured and doesnt look/ fancy other girls.

Your options are

1. Bring it up with him - there's nothing for him to defend in my view and if you were my gf I'd certainly dump you.

2. Take this emotional upset as a lesson not to check your partners phone in future.

khaldrogo

I'd say 90% of straight men who work with women have said this and more to their mates at one time. Its fantasy. Nothing more. She's probably way out of his league too.

My misses has a little pick of a movie star with his top off in her locker. I haven't divorced her yet

Dash1993 wrote:

My boyfriend and his workmates I've noticed are laddy but I I know I shouldn't have, I recently found texts on my boyfriends phone when he was talking to a mate about a new girl from work who he had been out drinking with for eight hours at a work event with their other colleagues. He said he had fell a bit in love with her. should I be worried about this? He backtracked the next day and said that he fell a bit in love with her, but that he supposes that's what happens after 10 pints. I later found some messages kind of Bantery with two of his other friends about the girl being one of the top three in the office and all three of his mates were engaging in sexualised banter about her . Is it just the word 'fell in love with.' His use of the word 'fell in love with' im not sure what to think. Whether it was just an inapprorpriate word he used to mean he was crushing on her or if he was hyperbolising.

retro:electro

Am I mad? I'm probably alone here but I would find this so hurtful too. My boyfriend has women he calls his "wife" and women who he's in love with- but these are all celebs and not real world people! That's where the line is drawn for me. I'd be hurt if I read my boyfriend said this about a girl he's spending time with on a regular basis. It wasn't just a once off comment either- sexualised banter and top 3 in the office?

Come on like we aren't made of stone. There's a consensus here lately to make people feel like they're mad and everyone else is so chilled and cool about these things and it's not true. I bet most of the posters here would be hurt if they uncovered the same.

leggo

anna080 wrote: »

Come on like we aren't made of stone. There's a consensus here lately to make people feel like they're mad and everyone else is so chilled and cool about these things and it's not true. I bet most of the posters here would be hurt if they uncovered the same.

But you do realise that your boyfriend is probably attracted to other women he knows in real life, and he always will be, right? I know one lad who is as loyal and trustworthy as they come, but he'll still get a kick out of winding girls up, having a flirt and watching as they try to pull him. He would never, ever cheat and his girlfriend has zero to worry about. Those little ego boosts etc that we get a kick out of when we're single don't just disappear overnight when we get with someone, the amount of taken people who'll grab my Tinder and mess around on it for example.

The thing is: don't go snooping and you won't find out any of this. The OP did and now she's hurt and confused when the boyfriend likely hasn't done anything wrong. We'd all get hurt if we dug deep enough, because many people like to delude themselves into believing they're the only person on the planet their partner is attracted to. And that's fine as long as they don't go digging for the truth, because it's only human to fancy others.

retro:electro

Sure, and there are guys I work with who I think are lovely looking- but that's where it begins and ends for me. The day I find myself engaging in sexual banter about them and adding them into my top 3 office hotties, never mind joke that I've "fallen in love" with one- is the day I know I need to be single.
And your friend sounds like an idiot.

leggo

anna080 wrote: »

Sure, and there are guys I work with who I think are lovely looking- but that's where it begins and ends for me. The day I find myself engaging in sexual banter about them and adding them into my top 3 office hotties, never mind joke that I've "fallen in love" with one- is the day I know I need to be single.

I think that's an overreaction. I'll often joke with people I know who are in happy relationships about people we encounter who we're 'in love with'. It's a pure pisstake.

retro:electro

leggo wrote: »

I think that's an overreaction. I'll often joke with people I know who are in happy relationships about people we encounter who we're 'in love with'. It's a pure pisstake.

Well there you have it. You're trying to justify your own behaviour and normalise it. What's acceptable in one relationship isn't acceptable in all.
The op isn't comfortable with this and she's not wrong to feel hurt.

leggo

I'm single, I don't need to justify or normalise anything :pac:. I feel for the OP, but my point is that this isn't odd behaviour and she wouldn't be hurt if she hadn't snooped, simple as.

fungun

I could understand the hurt tbh......banter for me would be "She is hot" or "Ive a bit of a crush on her"......."I fell in love with her a bit" sounds stronger to me. But its all in the ears that hear it and whats normal for you guys.

meeeeh

leggo wrote: »

I'm single, I don't need to justify or normalise anything :pac:. I feel for the OP, but my point is that this isn't odd behaviour and she wouldn't be hurt if she hadn't snooped, simple as.

I'm easy going, I can't remember ever being jealous or worried in over ten years with my partner. And yet if I saw "I'm a bit in love with her" text I would be quite annoyed and hurt. It's disrespectful.

I think there is need for decency and respect in a relationship. I'm not sure that there was any truth in the comment but at best op was a subject of a laddish joke.

Btw winding girls up as an ego boost is pretty pathetic and vain. Your friend is too much of a chicken to cheat and too self absorbed to care about the feelings of the girls he is leading on or about the feelings of his girlfriend.

retro:electro

leggo wrote: »

I'm single, I don't need to justify or normalise anything :pac:. I feel for the OP, but my point is that this isn't odd behaviour and she wouldn't be hurt if she hadn't snooped, simple as.

Well then please don't use your friends as a barometer for what's appropriate in a relationship, because quite frankly, they sound like idiots.

strandroad

leggo wrote: »

I'm single, I don't need to justify or normalise anything :pac:. I feel for the OP, but my point is that this isn't odd behaviour and she wouldn't be hurt if she hadn't snooped, simple as.

I would see it as odd is anyone in my workplace started naming colleagues they are "in love with", even if it's banter over pints. Extremely odd if they are not single.

leggo

Yeah guys, you're getting up on a moral high ground now analysing figures of speech within an inch of their life to try and validate your own insecurities. This isn't what this thread is for.

People have crushes sometimes whether they're in a relationship or not, it doesn't mean they're cheating. This is the real world and some of those realities may not be pleasant but it doesn't make them less real. You can deal with that reality or you can crusade against me for pointing it out and continue to delude yourself, as if calling me or my friends idiots will change that reality and your boyfriend's won't find anyone else but you attractive...it's your lives, I really don't care.

leggo

meeeeh wrote: »

Btw winding girls up as an ego boost is pretty pathetic and vain. Your friend is too much of a chicken to cheat and too self absorbed to care about the feelings of the girls he is leading on or about the feelings of his girlfriend.

Such a generalisation. You've zero idea of the context or anything, you just sound like you're on a mission to call someone you don't know names here. Stop projecting.

EmptyTree

I think this is just lad banter. But I'd more more interested to know has the OP checked her bf's messages or other bf's messages before? OP had a feeling something was up and checked his messages. Was this habit or was it stand alone intuition? If it's intuition then perhaps this should not be ignored.

Daisy78

leggo wrote: »

But you do realise that your boyfriend is probably attracted to other women he knows in real life, and he always will be, right? I know one lad who is as loyal and trustworthy as they come, but he'll still get a kick out of winding girls up, having a flirt and watching as they try to pull him. He would never, ever cheat and his girlfriend has zero to worry about. Those little ego boosts etc that we get a kick out of when we're single don't just disappear overnight when we get with someone, the amount of taken people who'll grab my Tinder and mess around on it for example.

And what about the girls he is winding up? He gets a bit of attention, his ego boost whilst completely wasting their time and chance of meeting someone who is available. I've had this done to me and it's just horrible. All the while his girlfriend or even wife in some circumstances is sitting at home thinking he is just out with the lads for a few drinks. All well and good to have your cake and eat it but perhaps think for a moment of the impact your actions might have on the women you are interacting with, not completely harmless!!

Op I would be disappointed if I saw this on my boyfriends phone, it's one thing to talk about women in the office but to say you are a "little bit in love" is bizarre to be honest. I'm not sure how to advise you but I think you are right to have an issue with it.

leggo

Yeah, see context is key. I'm sure it has happened to you and is annoying, but in this case it's people who know him and know he has a girlfriend and are trying to get him to cheat (he works in an industry where this kinda thing is rife). So if you're trying to get a guy to cheat then you really have no right to complain if you end up getting your feelings hurt.

Would you still like to compare your situation to this or should we go back to focusing on the OP?

Keyzer

You shouldn't have gone near his phone. If anyone is at blame here then it's you. I would never trust you again

GingerLily

leggo wrote: »

Yeah, see context is key. I'm sure it has happened to you and is annoying, but in this case it's people who know him and know he has a girlfriend and are trying to get him to cheat (he works in an industry where this kinda thing is rife). So if you're trying to get a guy to cheat then you really have no right to complain if you end up getting your feelings hurt.

Would you still like to compare your situation to this or should we go back to focusing on the OP?

Your friend doesn't sound like a nice guy - but this thread isn't about your friend!

OP I wouldn't be happy with that message at all it if came from my husband but that's because I know his mannerisms and that would be out of character for him.

leggo

GingerLily wrote: »

but this thread isn't about your friend!

We can agree on this. In fact, in the very post you quoted, that was exactly my point. But thanks for taking time to make a comment about a person you don't know before saying "but it's not about that!"

GingerLily

leggo wrote: »

We can agree on this. In fact, in the very post you quoted, that was exactly my point. But thanks for taking time to make a comment about a person you don't know before saying "but it's not about that!"

You're welcome!

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note
leggo, GingerLily and anna080 can you all just cop on. You are all here long enough to know your posts on this thread are off-topic.

Please, stop the petty over and back and aim all your replies at the OP, bearing in mind "mature, constructive advice". It is possible to disagree with a poster and construct a reply whilst remaining mature and civil.

I think you've all been warned about this style of posting previously. Next instance will result in an official warning.

Icepick

Still sounds like lad banter but we don't know him.

Also, women who don't realise that their bfs find other women attractive and talk about it with other men are deluding themselves and won't be able to tell when it's more than just banter.

tomwaits48

anna080 wrote: »

Well then please don't use your friends as a barometer for what's appropriate in a relationship, because quite frankly, they sound like idiots.

you are very quick to band about the word idiot. I'd suggest a less judgmental and confrontational style of posting would make for a more productive discussion.

meeeeh

Icepick wrote: »

Still sounds like lad banter but we don't know him.

Also, women who don't realise that their bfs find other women attractive and talk about it with other men are deluding themselves and won't be able to tell when it's more than just banter.

There is a world of difference between being attracted to someone and being inlove with someone. It is also interesting how a lot of threads seem to be an opportunity to educate women on how they are deluding themselves about something.

Maybe bf saying he is in love meant it as a figure of speech but I can completely see how reading it was a shock. And no it's not something you advertise around when you are in happy relationship with someone else.

sbsquarepants

khaldrogo wrote: »

She's probably way out of his league too.

Is this supposed to make her feel better? She's probably out of his league.......unlike you:rolleyes::rolleyes:


OP - Just sounds like banter to me. And fairly tame banter at that!

Neyite

It's possibly lad banter and that's all it is.

But... I'd be having a good think about the kind of bloke he is. He's making sexualised comments about a colleague to other colleagues behind her back. That he rates the women he works with. It may be 'lads banter' but it's something that I'd personally find quite a turn off in a partner. As a colleague, I'd be disgusted.

You'd find that an employer would view it as sexual harassment, and possibly bullying behaviour. Remember the Accounting firms that circulated an email rating new graduates?

And just because it happens over a personal phone or a group whatsapp rather than company phones or emails does not mean that the company wouldn't act on it. I know of a case were a group of employees were using whatsapp to discuss work, which turned to making nasty remarks about some of the women working there. They all got sacked.

It doesn't make him sound like a keeper tbh.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

tomwaits48, if you have an issue with a post or poster report it. All posts in PI are expected to offer mature, constructive advice or opinion to the OP. Please keep that in mind when replying on a thread.

Austria!

Neyite wrote: »

But... I'd be having a good think about the kind of bloke he is. He's making sexualised comments about a colleague to other colleagues behind her back. That he rates the women he works with. It may be 'lads banter' but it's something that I'd personally find quite a turn off in a partner. As a colleague, I'd be disgusted.

It's so common among men in the workplace that I guess you're a woman from this post.

OP, I think this is a whole load of nothing.

laserlad2010

Look, there are two issues here.

1. You found out he said something inappropriate about a girl he works with. Now, I've engaged in lad banter and have said some pretty inappropriate stuff when drunk both in and out of relationships to my mates. I just wouldn't have written it down. That's just me. It would feel a bit creepy writing that about a work colleague. However, I have friends who would write that down, and yet would never dream of acting on it because they love their girlfriends.

2. You went through his phone. That's a red line offense IMO, and you're trapped. If you mention it to him, its a good chance you two are done. However, if you don't mention it, it's going to eat at you.

Here's the deal. You know him. Is he a good man? Does he treat you well, do you love each other and do you trust him? If so, what does it matter if he says something inappropriate to his mate after 10 pints? As you can see from this thread, and from what I can tell you as a man, the majority of men do this. As, I'm sure, do women. He didn't say it to you. Or act on it. Or do much really.

If, however, this is just another in a long list of worrisome behaviour, perhaps he's not the one for you.

Beware of Boards.ie "standards" for relationship behaviour. You will see impossible standards set and impossible behaviour allowed at both extremes.

I'd also ask that you keep the fact that he asked you to move in with you out of your decision. People will permit all sorts of shenanigans for fear of going back to singledom or not getting that white picket fence dream.

SimpleDimples

You either trust him or you don't?

It really is that simple - to some this is normal male banter, to others he should burn in hell. You will get several varying opinion but all the matters is yours.

You know what he's like and you know how he treats you.

professore

anna080 wrote: »

Sure, and there are guys I work with who I think are lovely looking- but that's where it begins and ends for me. The day I find myself engaging in sexual banter about them and adding them into my top 3 office hotties, never mind joke that I've "fallen in love" with one- is the day I know I need to be single.
And your friend sounds like an idiot.

Lots of men and women talk like this, married and single. There's no harm in it.
My wife and I even talk like this to each other.

retro:electro

professore wrote: »

Lots of men and women talk like this, married and single. There's no harm in it.
My wife and I even talk like this to each other.

That's cool if it's something you do and you neither of you have have a problem with it.
The op does.

Icepick

anna080 wrote: »

Am I mad? I'm probably alone here but I would find this so hurtful too. My boyfriend has women he calls his "wife" and women who he's in love with- but these are all celebs and not real world people! That's where the line is drawn for me. I'd be hurt if I read my boyfriend said this about a girl he's spending time with on a regular basis. It wasn't just a once off comment either- sexualised banter and top 3 in the office?

With this mentality you are likely to end up
- single
- with someone with slave mentality
- with someone who is gonna hide everything from you

anna080 wrote: »

Come on like we aren't made of stone. There's a consensus here lately to make people feel like they're mad and everyone else is so chilled and cool about these things and it's not true. I bet most of the posters here would be hurt if they uncovered the same.

Depends on the context

SusieBlue

Icepick wrote: »

With this mentality you are likely to end up
- single
- with someone with slave mentality
- with someone who is gonna hide everything from you


Depends on the context

Or, you could end up with a mature man who respects your boundaries in a committed relationship and doesn't engage in behaviour you find hurtful?

You're making it sound as if OP is the unreasonable party and at fault, as if she should be delighted to hear her partner talking about being in love with other women and having an office hit list, and suggesting if she persists that he'll only hide it from her?
How about he just doesn't act the maggot and make comments like that about women he isn't in a relationship with?
And I'm not talking about off hand comments such as "oh she's hot" about random women, which most people would find acceptable. This is him talking in detail about his colleagues. I would be devastated if I was in her position.

She is quite entitled to feel hurt by what he has done, and to suggest otherwise is outrageous. There has to be some boundaries between couples and he has crossed the line.

Icepick

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Or, you could end up with a mature man who respects your boundaries in a committed relationship and doesn't engage in behaviour you find hurtful?

You're making it sound as if OP is the unreasonable party and at fault, as if she should be delighted to hear her partner talking about being in love with other women and having an office hit list, and suggesting if she persists that he'll only hide it from her?
How about he just doesn't act the maggot and make comments like that about women he isn't in a relationship with?
And I'm not talking about off hand comments such as "oh she's hot" about random women, which most people would find acceptable. This is him talking in detail about his colleagues. I would be devastated if I was in her position.

She is quite entitled to feel hurt by what he has done, and to suggest otherwise is outrageous. There has to be some boundaries between couples and he has crossed the line.

He is not engaging in hurtful behaviour if the only evidence is a bit of banter. His private thoughts should remain his or whoever's he decides to talk to.
As I said, I don't know him or OP so it's almost impossible to analyze this scenario but it is possible that it is just banter from my experience. You sound like you have no idea what (young) men talk about together. Likewise, loads of men have no idea what (young) women talk about or what fantasies they have.
Hit list is an exaggeration. Men rank females by looks. Is it shallow? Sure, but that's what makes it trivial and innocent.
Also, to each their own. I am not judging you or anna080, only saying what is the most likely outcome when you behave like that.

This is him talking in detail about his colleagues. I would be devastated if I was in her position.

We can agree that low self-esteem leads to unhappy life.

SusieBlue

Icepick wrote: »

He is not engaging in hurtful behaviour if the only evidence is a bit of banter. His private thoughts should remain his or whoever's he decides to talk to.
As I said, I don't know him or OP so it's almost impossible to analyze this scenario but it is possible that it is just banter from my experience.
Also, to each their own. I am not judging you or anna080, only saying what is the most likely outcome when you behave like that.

But if she is upset then he is engaging in hurtful behaviour. You see it as banter, she sees it as betrayal. Both are correct and valid because everyone has different perceptions of situations.
All relationships have different expectations and boundaries, are you seriously suggesting that if I have a problem with my boyfriend saying he is in love with his colleagues and making a hit list that he'll just do it behind my back, and rightly so? What kind of relationship would that be? In what way is that healthy and respectful? Should we all be supportive of our partners talking about riding other women in their lives?

SusieBlue

Icepick wrote: »

We can agree that low self-esteem leads to unhappy life.

You clearly have no perspective beyond your own and can't seem to understand that other people might not react to a situation the same as you would.

amtc

Ages ago I was good friends with a work guy (we had also been in college together although not close friends at that time)...he loved that his (now wife and mother of his two children) used to point out women to him he might like. I thought at the time this was odd, but in their relationship it worked.

In this situation though it requires a chat!

The in love thing is a big red flag. I love my best friend..who is a guy..but i would never say in love

Doltanian

Lad Banter or Locker Room Talk, as Donald Trump might say grab em by the ........ Its a man thing and harmless, its normal to overhype your sexual prowess and conquests.

Icepick

WhiteRoses wrote: »

You clearly have no perspective beyond your own and can't seem to understand that other people might not react to a situation the same as you would.

I should have been more precise maybe.

He is not deliberately engaging in hurtful behaviour if it indeed is just banter for other recepients. Intentions matter a lot.
Regarding empathy, you want to destroy a relationship based on - as far as we know - thought crimes.
I am sure you have had plenty of horrible thoughts. Do you want to tell the objects? I hope not. It happens to everyone.
As for the word love, strong words are nowadays used all the time. Everything is amazing and everyone is a legend.

Augme

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Or, you could end up with a mature man who respects your boundaries in a committed relationship and doesn't engage in behaviour you find hurtful?

You're making it sound as if OP is the unreasonable party and at fault, as if she should be delighted to hear her partner talking about being in love with other women and having an office hit list, and suggesting if she persists that he'll only hide it from her?
How about he just doesn't act the maggot and make comments like that about women he isn't in a relationship with?
And I'm not talking about off hand comments such as "oh she's hot" about random women, which most people would find acceptable. This is him talking in detail about his colleagues. I would be devastated if I was in her position.

She is quite entitled to feel hurt by what he has done, and to suggest otherwise is outrageous. There has to be some boundaries between couples and he has crossed the line.

Not snooping through your partner's phone is also a massive boundary which she crossed. I'd argue that is far worse than what the boyfriend has done.