Trans Using Dating App

Deleted User wrote: »

Have to say I find most of the replies to this thread pretty disheartening. It seems the OP is going to be judged by the accident of her birth and not the content of her character. That's a lousy way to tell anyone about how to find a relationship and frankly, it's only coming up because some of the posters are more or less saying she isn't a full woman (I assume that's what the phrase "biological woman" is shorthand for) or the assumption she hasn't had reassignment surgery.

At best, some of the replies are shallow and at worst some of them are verging on transphobic. The assumption seems to be that OP will always be judged by what's between her legs as opposed to who she actually is (while the posters have no idea what's between her legs).

I dont know if you were trying to get some virtue signalling points with that post, if you want to fight a moral crusade do it somewhere else. People here seem to be generally in agreement that most men wont date a trans woman which is just stating a fact. Last time I checked you cant guilt people into dating other people, also the OP's post isnt trying to win anybody over in this thread, so unless you think the views here are different to the general public that the OP has to deal with you accusing people here of transphobia is out of order

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm a straight woman so I'm not your intended demographic. But if I was on Tinder and the man I was chatting to turned out to have been born as a woman, it would be a dealbreaker. I have no problem with transgender people transitioning or having a sex life. Just not with me. It is about as unsexy to me as gay sex. No doubt you'll go bananas but I can't bring myself to see a trans person as being a man or a woman in the same way as I do a person who has stayed in the same gender all their life. You can get thick with me if you want and call me transphobic and narrow-minded and whatnot. You asked for opinions so this is mine.

Your strategy of hiding your gender hasn't worked so far, it would appear. I don't know what the solution is, seeing as you don't want to tell anyone straight up that you're a trans person. It takes a special sort of person to be attracted to a trans person. My guess is that the majority of the population aren't that person.

I don't think the OP needs to assume you are transphobic because you clearly are with this one sentence.

Lovelesslife1 wrote: »

What has this bit of dubious allegory got to do with my story?

I am not gender fluid; I live my life in accordance with the way I identify (woman); I would never mislead a man and go on a first date with him; and I have never accused a man of being transphobic in an instance where he has rejected me romantically.

lifeandtimes wrote: »

The truth is the main advice of being honest from the start is the best option for you. Honesty is the best policy.

Your issue of men finding you attractive, chatting you up through the app and the ghosting you after you tell them you are trans has a very simple solution. Be honest from the stsrt. These men are looking for woman who were born woman and when you tell them they go away because you aren't what they are looking for.
If you put it out there you are trans then you will get the people contacting you who are looking for a trans woman. The attracting to your physical appearance and personality go hand in hand.

I quoted the above as this is what I meant by my bit of "dubious allegory". I recounted the story about my friend because she is very defensive, as you are, and doesn't come across well when she's rejected because she's so oversensitive. I never said you misled anyone, or accused anyone of being transphobic.
I think you also missed the end part of my reply where I wished you the best of luck in finding a man who likes you for who you are.

silverharp wrote: »

If you get something out of it on coping that is great. For sure you have a right to seek out relationships but given that you appear to have a profile on a general dating app you are going to face a lot of rejection , its not a circle you cant square.
There must be trans groups in Ireland , have you looked into any of them? would you date trans men?

I'm sure you've been in contact with TENI but they are a great org:

http://www.teni.ie/event.aspx?contentid=92

Yeah, I agree the term transphobia is getting thrown around very casually here. Is there misunderstanding and accidental insensitivity in this thread? 100%, but that's also the way of the world. It's a subject people find difficult to get their head around because most don't have a pre-existing database for growing up feeling like you were born as the wrong gender. But everyone here is trying the best they can to empathise and help, as well as giving the OP their own feelings if they encountered a trans person on a dating app. That mightn't be what she wants to hear, but it's relevant and definitely not transphobic. And it's also real and an insight into what others may be feeling too.

Validating the OP's feelings of victimisation might make her feel good in the moment, but it doesn't actually change or help her situation one bit, which is ultimately what she's looking to do by posting here. And insulting people who are doing their best to help by calling them transphobic doesn't help either.

Lovelesslife wrote: »

Dear whomever

So I guess to start with I should state I am a transwoman. I prefer to identify simply as a woman, but for the purpose of this confessional I feel I must use the label I despise.

I am in my early 30s, I am lonely and sick of being this way. Which has led to me recently signing up for one or two dating apps to try and find a relationship. The last refuge for the damned, it seems.

And I'll add: I never had much hope that these apps would ever help me, but I am (again) sick of being alone.

Given the superficial nature of these things, I do initially attract a lot of male attention. Men message me quite frequently. I rarely initiate conversations, but I figure if they like what they see, and they seem very eager to chat, I'll see where it goes. I am not trying to trick anyone. I only want a chance at love [B/]

I do feel like I am wasting my time even entertaining conversations from would-be suitors on there, though, as eventually I will have to tell them of my status. And then it's usually all over but the crying. A typical reaction (without going into too much detail) usually ends with the other party somewhat shocked and saying something well-meaning (some complimentary thing about how "genuine" I look) which is actually deeply offensive - and all-and-all, amounts to a rejection. Another common reaction is the slow monosyllabic fade and ghost.

I sometimes think it would save me a lot of time and heartache if I just stated it clearly in my profile, but I live in a small town and I am using an app that shows people who are in close proximity to each other. And truth is, I am very recognizable and "coming out" to a whole community of nameless faces is not really a good idea - nor will it ever feel safe to do so. So I play the game. I exchange messages over the course of a few days, and if I get a sense that the other person is at least open-minded enough to hear it, I tell them. And always before anything serious can happen, like an actual meet. But to be honest, the constant rejection that always follows from mostly well-meaning guys is more damaging than anything else. As strange as it may seem, it's actually easier to take being verbally assaulted by random hate-filled bigots than it is dealing with this kind of nicely presented refusal.

I do not blame guys for rejecting me, though I do wonder how much the pervading social stigma of dating a "tranny" plays a part in Irish society. Then again, maybe I'm making excuses for myself with that explanation - I'm sure there is something more primal more biological at play.

Lately, I have been advised by friends and family to move abroad to try and find love, to a more accepting city, like London or Brighton. But I don't think that is a viable option for me. And I honestly don't think there is a solution for this problem.

I am sure many of you reading this will laugh at the idea and think of calling me all sorts of "mentally ill" - well, I've heard it all before and worse... So, **** it!

I am writing this only because I am lonely.

Thank you for reading

Hi OP,

Ultimately, there are a few different items at play here, and unfortunately you're going to have to compromise on one or two of them to increase your chances of finding someone.

- A lot of men, through their own personal preference which they are entitled to, may find you attractive but yes, the fact you were not born a woman is going to be a dealbreaker for them whenever they find that out, whether on the first meeting with them or fifth date. That's not your fault and it doesn't mean they're all transphobic, but it's going to be a dealbreaker nonetheless. This means you're going to have a smaller pool of potential partners than most, and you're less likely to find one simply in a pub some night.
- Your small town location again reduces this pool further. And yes, there may be an element of social stigma at play where a guy who wouldn't mind going out with you decides not to due to the stigma he may face from his friends/family again because of the small town nature of things. Moving to a bigger place would help solve this (in some aspects, not entirely).
- With regards the dating apps/sites, I get that you don't like saying you're trans, and don't want local people being able to see that you're trans, but dating apps/sites are basically advertising for you. People advertise themselves to try and attract potential partners. The issue here is, if you don't say you're trans, you're likely to attract people who, as per the first point, are more likely to consider it a dealbreaker when they do find out you're trans. The inverse is also true however, if you do say you're trans you are then advertising to people for whom that isn't an issue. You're advertising yourself to a smaller overall pool of guys, but the pool of guys who don't see it as being a dealbreaker.

As great as it would be to just be able to go out and meet someone and everything would be hunky dory, it rarely works out like that for anyone anyway. People can attract other people based on initial first looks and impressions, but they could have something about them that causes that attraction to fade, whether it's something physical or even just something about the person that wasn't apparent at first. These things, like discovering the person is trans, can simply be dealbreakers through no fault of either party.

You're unfortunately in a position where your dealbreaker is one that isn't going to take months for the other party to discover, one where they may be deep enough in the relationship at that point to try and fight their way past it. But I think ultimately, your best bet is to try and find the people it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for, and you're less likely to find that person a) by attracting them in a pub etc, b) in a smaller town, and c) by not maybe going on dating apps/sites where most people would be more inclined to not see the fact you're trans as being a dealbreaker.

I think it's ridiculous to criticize people for being honest when they say they don't want to date a transexual. The OP did not say that, and I wish her all the best.

I'm attracted to men, I wouldn't have considered dating a transsexual male as I'm attracted physically to a biological male.

I celebrate everyone's right to identify as whatever gender they choose, but that shouldn't extend to telling people who they can or can't find attractive.

Again the OP is not pushing this agenda, it's other posters, and I think it's unfair as it is taking the conversation away from her issue.

Nevaeh Thundering Mesh wrote: »

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I guess I don't really understand what you mean by "biological woman"? Surely a woman is a woman? Some women can have kids and some can't, some are even born with XY chromosomes etc, some have surgery to correct an accident of their birth, but they are all women.

A woman is born with XX , a man with xy. Redefining facts doesn't change them.

Wow.