Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

Murrisk · 19-04-2017 01:00AM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

if he is going through receipts to jettison the "non-shared" items, I guess she does. However (correct me if I am wrong, Nox) I think they have only started cohabiting quite recently.

A few years ago, I was on an extremely low wage whilst living in Dublin (just above minimum wage). At that point in my life, I did have to go through receipts because I simply couldn't afford to go halves on groceries when my then-partner (now husband) ate three time the amount of meat I did. I couldn't afford to treat him to meals out or anything. It was a temporary measure and my partner totally understood that it was out of necessity as we were living in Dublin and the rents were starting to take off.

And let me tell you something, I could not wait to be done with that period in my life. Once I started to earn a bit, I stopped the receipt calculations and didn't care if we weren't contributing exactly 50/50 or I paid a bit more towards things in a given month. The thought of living that way when there aren't any money constraints is a depressing thought.

ceadaoin. · 19-04-2017 02:14AM

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

But if I earn far more and want to buy something I may not be able to because I'm handing over a larger portion of my own salary in order to "even up" the amount of disposable income. Just wouldn't do it for me.

It's a unique scenario where the earner obvioulsy has to fund everything including disposable income for the non-earner though not necessarily an equal split of the disposable income.

I have to say I find this viewpoint very odd. If you had a wife and child/ren, those people would be your family. But you would still begrudge them a fair share of the family income. I really hope this would change if you did actually have kids in the future!

pickarooney · 19-04-2017 04:25AM

....... wrote: »

When you marry someone you bring two households together.

I can't see how non joint finances could work over a lifetime. In my own marriage I have more often been the higher earner, sometimes by vast amounts. If we had non joint finances he'd be sitting in unable to afford to buy new clothes or eat out or go to the movies. So I'd just be enjoying my extra money alone? What's the point in one person having 5 times the disposable income of the other?

Want to go out, love?
What's that you have no money?
See you Sunday so!

19-04-2017 09:58AM

Deleted User wrote: »

So, what proportion of the disposable income do you think your partner should have, and is your long term partner aware of your feelings/plans on this issue?

My main feeling is that I'm not a fan of a person giving up work in the first place and I wouldn't hide that. It's not a practical solution to live of one salary in this day and age and better for people to have their own money and be able to afford a better lifestyle than scraping by on a single wage.

Electric Sheep wrote: »

if he is going through receipts to jettison the "non-shared" items, I guess she does. However (correct me if I am wrong, Nox) I think they have only started cohabiting quite recently.

I don't see what the issue is with subtracting non-shares items, its not just my idea to do it it makes perfect sense. Why would one part of a couple continually pay toward items in the weekly shop that they never use? Thus reducing their own disposable income. Split shared bills 50/50, each completely fund their own purchases and personal expenses and your income is yours aside from that, simple but the best way to operate imo.

19-04-2017 10:13AM

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

My main feeling is that I'm not a fan of a person giving up work in the first place and I wouldn't hide that. It's not a practical solution to live of one salary in this day and age and better for people to have their own money and be able to afford a better lifestyle than scraping by on a single wage.

I don't see what the issue is with subtracting non-shares items, its not just my idea to do it it makes perfect sense. Why would one part of a couple continually pay toward items in the weekly shop that they never use? Thus reducing their own disposable income. Split shared bills 50/50, each completely fund their own purchases and personal expenses and your income is yours aside from that, simple but the best way to operate imo.

While all this 'seperate' living may suit you now, if you get married or have children, things will be different.
You are basically single, just living in the same home.

19-04-2017 10:16AM

bubblypop wrote: »

While all this 'seperate' living may suit you now, if you get married or have children, things will be different.
You are basically single, just living in the same home.

Far from it, very long term relationship. Getting married would change nothing, kids would increase shared expenses and obviously there would need to be a bit more give and take but fundamentally the philosophy would remain the same as i don't agree with the way many here manage their finances. As another poster said I don't see why a long term relationship/marriage/kids suddenly means the salary you earn is no longer yours, in a thread were people are talking about the ops situation being backward I find the practice of your money no longer being yours to be backward which is quite funny.

....... · 19-04-2017 10:37AM

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Cyrus · 19-04-2017 10:38AM

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

My main feeling is that I'm not a fan of a person giving up work in the first place and I wouldn't hide that. It's not a practical solution to live of one salary in this day and age and better for people to have their own money and be able to afford a better lifestyle than scraping by on a single wage.

no one is until they have kids, its a different ball game

pilly · 19-04-2017 10:42AM

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

My main feeling is that I'm not a fan of a person giving up work in the first place and I wouldn't hide that. It's not a practical solution to live of one salary in this day and age and better for people to have their own money and be able to afford a better lifestyle than scraping by on a single wage.

I don't see what the issue is with subtracting non-shares items, its not just my idea to do it it makes perfect sense. Why would one part of a couple continually pay toward items in the weekly shop that they never use? Thus reducing their own disposable income. Split shared bills 50/50, each completely fund their own purchases and personal expenses and your income is yours aside from that, simple but the best way to operate imo.

Sounds like an awful way to live to be honest. A very selfish way of thinking about things.

What about when your partner is on maternity leave? Are you seriously suggesting that she should have less money than you while she's creating your child?

19-04-2017 10:44AM

....... wrote: »

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I never said anything about "hiding" anything simply the status of bank accounts would not be a topic for regular discussion.

Cyrus wrote: »

no one is until they have kids, its a different ball game

I know very few people who stopped working aside from their maternity leave, its very rare in my circle (both parents generation and my own).

pilly wrote: »

What about when your partner is on maternity leave? Are you seriously suggesting that she should have less money than you while she's creating your child?

Why the assumption of no pay on maternity leave? You would get your full salary while on maternity leave where I work for example. Your also assuming that its not a mutual desire to operate finances in the way I describe.

....... · 19-04-2017 10:50AM

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....... · 19-04-2017 10:51AM

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19-04-2017 10:51AM

But what happens if childcare costs equal one parents wages? Or are more?
What if one of you wins money? Is that separate also? Would it not be a win for your family?
Most people i know would consider an inheritance or big win to be a family bonus, you honestly believe it would just be the individuals?

....... · 19-04-2017 10:56AM

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One eyed Jack · 19-04-2017 11:11AM

bubblypop wrote: »

But what happens if childcare costs equal one parents wages? Or are more?
What if one of you wins money? Is that separate also? Would it not be a win for your family?
Most people i know would consider an inheritance or big win to be a family bonus, you honestly believe it would just be the individuals?

Isn't that all speculation and assumptions though? I mean, I wouldn't particularly find the idea of a couple keeping their incomes separate (a polyamorous arrangement could throw up some interesting permutations

), but as I mentioned earlier - my wife would have had numerous accounts between banks, the post office, the credit union, etc, and I never cared to be made aware of where or how much she was squirrelling away, simply because I wasn't interested in what she did with the money.

Genuinely if she landed a windfall, it still wouldn't change my attitude towards money - she could keep it. As far as I'm concerned it just adds to stress, anxiety and worry, and that's a lot I could do without too as I have enough responsibility already.

pilly · 19-04-2017 11:27AM

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I never said anything about "hiding" anything simply the status of bank accounts would not be a topic for regular discussion.

I know very few people who stopped working aside from their maternity leave, its very rare in my circle (both parents generation and my own).

Why the assumption of no pay on maternity leave? You would get your full salary while on maternity leave where I work for example. Your also assuming that its not a mutual desire to operate finances in the way I describe.

You didn't answer the question though. What if your partner has no wages during maternity leave? Should she have less money than you?

Cyrus · 19-04-2017 11:29AM

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I know very few people who stopped working aside from their maternity leave, its very rare in my circle (both parents generation and my own).

very much depends on the kind of work you do, my wifes job before we had our daughter was routinely 50-60 hours a week and so is mine. Obviously something has to give with a creche pick up so she is working less now, but its still a super stressful job, and in the long run it would be better for all of us (in all aspects bar finances) if one of us wasnt working full time.

if she was a teacher or something similar it would be easier to continue full time i suppose

Electric Sheep · 19-04-2017 01:37PM

Cyrus wrote: »

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I know very few people who stopped working aside from their maternity leave, its very rare in my circle (both parents generation and my own).

very much depends on the kind of work you do, my wifes job before we had our daughter was routinely 50-60 hours a week and so is mine. Obviously something has to give with a creche pick up so she is working less now, but its still a super stressful job, and in the long run it would be better for all of us (in all aspects bar finances) if one of us wasnt working full time.

if she was a teacher or something similar it would be easier to continue full time i suppose

Why aren't you both working less to accommodate the creche pickups and drop offs? Surely that would make more sense?

ForestFire · 19-04-2017 01:47PM

Diego_Lopez wrote: »

I earn 15k more than my wife, previously my wofe earned about 15k less than me, regardless ....

You do realise this is the same thing??:eek:
Please hand all you money to you wife immediatly and let her manage it if this is how you comprehend money.:cool:

As its your first post i'll add...This is just a joke, I really hope it was just a typo on your part:D

Tigger99 · 19-04-2017 01:53PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Why aren't you both working less to accommodate the creche pickups and drop offs? Surely that would make more sense?

Maybe they decided between them that instead of both taking the financial hit, only one should?

I look at my friends and thankfully the crèche duties seem to be shared a lot more evenly now than a few years ago when it was assumed that the woman would do it. I'm sure it still happens with some people though.

19-04-2017 01:56PM

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

My main feeling is that I'm not a fan of a person giving up work in the first place and I wouldn't hide that. It's not a practical solution to live of one salary in this day and age and better for people to have their own money and be able to afford a better lifestyle than scraping by on a single wage.

I don't see what the issue is with subtracting non-shares items, its not just my idea to do it it makes perfect sense. Why would one part of a couple continually pay toward items in the weekly shop that they never use? Thus reducing their own disposable income. Split shared bills 50/50, each completely fund their own purchases and personal expenses and your income is yours aside from that, simple but the best way to operate imo.

I didn't use the word "voluntary" when mentioning the possibility of a person becoming unemployed....
Companies fold, or make a portion of the workforce redundant, etc.

It's at times like these that one partner needs the support of the other. To me, that "support" does not entail "graciously" permitting one partner to have an unspecified amount of disposable income.

I can see the point in a short term relationship. In a very long-term one, I'm afraid I would regard it as one partner being selfish, uncaring, and crucially, uncommitted to their partners well-being.

What your partner and yourself are happy with financially is your own choice, of course.

For me, it would be a deal-breaker, tbh - because a (long-term) partnership where both partners are not equal is not one that is secure enough to withstand life's knocks, imo.

Where one partner is struggling financially - say, if one of the kids are sick enough to need full-time care, for instance - I think resentment is bound to set in, either from the partner with no disposable income, or the partner with less disposable income, who suddenly finds themselves less comfortably off.

It's not a relationship I'd feel secure enough in to commit my life to that person.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't believe a relationship can survive without a strong element of "for better, for worse" being part of the commitment - on both sides.

pickarooney · 19-04-2017 01:57PM

Diego_Lopez wrote: »

I earn 15k more than my wife, previously my wofe earned about 15k less than me.

That's some reversal of fortunes! :pac:

irelandrover · 19-04-2017 02:00PM

Why is there so much effort to convince Nox that his opinion is wrong?
It obviously works for him in his relationship.

19-04-2017 02:03PM

irelandrover wrote: »

Why is there so much effort to convince Nox that his opinion is wrong?
It obviously works for him in his relationship.

I doubt very much if anyone is trying to convince Nox of anything.

We merely have a different opinion, which we are expressing. That's all.

....... · 19-04-2017 02:04PM

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irelandrover · 19-04-2017 02:05PM

....... wrote: »

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For all you know your partner has a secret bank account as well. Which could have a secret credit card attached.

irelandrover · 19-04-2017 02:06PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I doubt very much if anyone is trying to convince Nox of anything.

We merely have a different opinion, which we are expressing. That's all.

Most of the last few pages have been telling him it wont work with marriage or kids.

19-04-2017 02:09PM

irelandrover wrote: »

Most of the last few pages have been telling him it wont work with marriage or kids.

Most of the last few pages have been people expressing an opinion, and giving reasons for that opinion - as you do on a discussion forum.

irelandrover · 19-04-2017 02:11PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Most of the last few pages have been people expressing an opinion, and giving reasons for that opinion - as you do on a discussion forum.

....... wrote: »

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pilly wrote: »

Sounds like an awful way to live to be honest. A very selfish way of thinking about things.

What about when your partner is on maternity leave? Are you seriously suggesting that she should have less money than you while she's creating your child?

....... wrote: »

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these are not just expressing an opinion.

Electric Sheep · 19-04-2017 02:19PM

irelandrover wrote: »

Most of the last few pages have been telling him it wont work with marriage or kids.

Oh, I am guessing it would work fine for Nox, however for his partner it sounds miserable.

Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

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