Help me fix myself

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 05:53PM #1

Hi guys,
You know when you're not sure if you are wrong for feeling the way you do, well this is one of those. I am sure I am wrong to feel this way yet I can't help myself. I am aware I have a problem and am trying to stop my mind going off on me but so far I can't stop it.
Firstly I'll explain the issue. My boyfriend and I live together and have regular sex. However, he looks after himself in the shower everyday. I don't understand why when he has me but would understand if he just explained "just feel like doing it quick" or "not in the mood for sex" etc. I tried asking him but he denies it and gets annoyed. I'm hurt that he denies it. I'd be more comfortable if he just told me he does. Because he denies it, my mind goes crazy "is he turned on by other girls on Facebook or online?" "Is he watching porn". I can't help but feel hurt that he is secretive about it if there's nothing wrong with it. I told him I have no problem with him masturbating once he's not looking at other girls yet he denies it. For example, today we were sitting on the couch on our laptops. There were music videos on the tv and a real sexy video came on with girls dancing. I noticed him watching just this video and none of the others. I didn't let it bother me. A few minutes later he left the room. I was gonna cook him lunch so went after him to ask if he was hungry and heard him in the shower breathing heavily and could clearly hear him doing it. Other days, there's nothing that clearly turns him on before hard so I don't understand it. Can men do it even if not turned on?

Firstly, am I wrong to be feeling hurt by this? Secondly, to the men, why would he be denying it? And to everyone, how do I stop myself from caring about these stupid things? How do I reassure my mind that I'm the only girl he loves and desires... What's wrong with me?

Tigger99 · 25-02-2017 06:18PM

He's not admitting that he does it because your reaction is OTT in my opinion. People can masterbate every day without it being any reflection on their partner or sex life.

And it's very telling that you are only asking guys. Many girls masterbate too. And looking at porn is completely different to sleeping with a loving real life partner.

Maybe his sex drive is higher than yours and that's why he helps himself as well. Tbh I think he has the patience of a saint to not tell you to feck off when u keep badgering him.

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 07:11PM

Tigger99 wrote: »

He's not admitting that he does it because your reaction is OTT in my opinion.

Maybe his sex drive is higher than yours and that's why he helps himself as well.

Tbh I think he has the patience of a saint to not tell you to feck off when u keep badgering him.

Thanks for your reply. However, I don't understand you saying my reaction is OTT. I never reacted. I am only feeling upset as he is lying about it. If he was honest with me, I'd do my best to be understanding. And his sex drive is not higher than mine. In fact, I initiate sex a lot more than he does!! I never ever deny him sex no matter what mood I'm in. He's refused me sex a few times though... I don't understand why he masturbates when he could just as easily have me and he knows it. That is my issue. My second issue is his secrecy in doing so. If he has nothing to hide, why not be honest about it. And finally, he has no patience with me. He does tell me to feck off!!!

BelovedAunt · 25-02-2017 08:03PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

I told him I have no problem with him masturbating once he's not looking at other girls yet he denies it.

This seems incredibly idealistic and controlling. Why is him masturbating to porn so bad?

neonsofa · 25-02-2017 08:31PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. However, I don't understand you saying my reaction is OTT. I never reacted. I am only feeling upset as he is lying about it. If he was honest with me, I'd do my best to be understanding. And his sex drive is not higher than mine. In fact, I initiate sex a lot more than he does!! I never ever deny him sex no matter what mood I'm in. He's refused me sex a few times though... I don't understand why he masturbates when he could just as easily have me and he knows it. That is my issue. My second issue is his secrecy in doing so. If he has nothing to hide, why not be honest about it. And finally, he has no patience with me. He does tell me to feck off!!!

I'm sorry but you're basically saying you should be entitled to know what he does with his own body and what he thinks about while doing it. Can you not see why he would be defensive about that?

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 09:07PM

BelovedAunt wrote: »

This seems incredibly idealistic and controlling. Why is him masturbating to porn so bad?

Because it's a form of betrayal. If he is desiring other women sexually and turned on by them, he enjoys other women and means he would enjoy sex with other women. I would never want to or think about having sex with any other man so I think it's unfair. I wouldn't masturbate to naked men

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 09:23PM

neonsofa wrote: »

I'm sorry but you're basically saying you should be entitled to know what he does with his own body and what he thinks about while doing it. Can you not see why he would be defensive about that?

I'm saying exactly that. I feel if he is devoted to me, he should only desire me sexually. What has the world come to that people think it's fine to think about others sexually when committed to someone? I'm by no means religious but if God is real even God said "though shall not covet thy neighbours wife"
Surely if a guy is lusting after other women, he wants to be single. Why stay with one woman if you're gonna fantasise about others??

njs030 · 25-02-2017 09:24PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

Because it's a form of betrayal. If he is desiring other women sexually and turned on by them, he enjoys other women and means he would enjoy sex with other women. I would never want to or think about having sex with any other man so I think it's unfair. I wouldn't masturbate to naked men

It isn't a betrayal at all op, it's very natural and human to notice other people are attractive. He chooses to share his life with you every single day and chooses to only have sex with you.

You sound terribly insecure if you can't stand the thought of your boyfriend thinking another woman is sexually attractive for a few minutes and then forgetting about her.

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 09:40PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

It isn't a betrayal at all op, it's very natural and human to notice other people are attractive. He chooses to share his life with you every single day and chooses to only have sex with you.

You sound terribly insecure if you can't stand the thought of your boyfriend thinking another woman is sexually attractive for a few minutes and then forgetting about her.

I agree I must be terribly insecure. I'd like to fix myself and stop tormenting myself over these things. Any advice how I could? I hate how my brain works and feel guilty for annoying him but I can't stop myself. I can't get my brain to think it's ok

please help me I hate myself. And I agree with you, it's normal to notice other people are attractive. But I don't think it's normal to masturbate about them. I just can't feel okay with this. In my mind, if he's thinking of someone else then he may aswell have sex with someone else cos he's cheating in his mind anyway. I'm sorry but that's how I feel. I know my feelings aren't popular though. It's horrible when people tell you it's normal yet my heart doesn't feel it's normal. I feel hurt and jealous.

DoctorBoo · 25-02-2017 10:09PM

Don't listen to the others. There is something odd going on here. You are right to be annoyed. Why on earth is he being so secretive? Is he hiding something?

bee06 · 25-02-2017 10:27PM

I think there's two of ye in it to be honest. You're obviously very insecure and either listening intently outside the bathroom door or have the quietest shower ever.

However it's very strange that he can't watch a music video without having to immediately masturbate. Whatever about getting turned on, it seems like he has no self control.

Galadriel · 25-02-2017 10:30PM

DoctorBoo wrote: »

Don't listen to the others. There is something odd going on here. You are right to be annoyed. Why on earth is he being so secretive? Is he hiding something?

He's hiding it because of her reaction, she is outside the bathroom door listening in on him :eek: There is nothing wrong with what he is doing OP and good luck to you finding any guy that won't masturbate .

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 10:41PM

DoctorBoo wrote: »

Don't listen to the others. There is something odd going on here. You are right to be annoyed. Why on earth is he being so secretive? Is he hiding something?

I agree DoctorBoo thank you for understanding me. I feel a little less lonely thanks to you

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 10:46PM

bee06 wrote: »

You're obviously very insecure and either listening intently outside the bathroom door or have the quietest shower ever.

However it's very strange that he can't watch a music video without having to immediately masturbate. Whatever about getting turned on, it seems like he has no self control.

I am insecure. I wish I wasn't. I heard a racket from the shower. It would be hard not to hear, then I listened closer wondering what it was and that's how I heard. I felt sad and left the room. Always knew he did it but he never admitted it. And you're right, I'm worried he has no self control. And my mind then wonders, if he's masturbating about random hot girls, how easily could he reject a girl throwing herself at him?? These are connected. And he is very handsome and has many female admirers so it's a real worry.

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 10:49PM

Galadriel wrote: »

He's hiding it because of her reaction, she is outside the bathroom door listening in on him :eek: There is nothing wrong with what he is doing OP and good luck to you finding any guy that won't masturbate .

True. Fair point, but I don't want to find any other guy. I love him he is my home. I just wish he loved me as much

tomwaterford · 25-02-2017 10:53PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

I'm worried he has no self control. And my mind then wonders, if he's masturbating about random hot girls, how easily could he reject a girl throwing herself at him

Surly...you'll just have to take a chance and trust him??

Bordering on some serious control issues otherwise.....has he given you any reason to not trust him?

Tigger99 · 25-02-2017 10:57PM

Oh op your latest posts are heartbreaking. I have never and hope to God will never cheat on someone and I've viewed porn in a relationship. The two aren't automatically connected.

And you assuming that he doesn't love you as much because he masterbates is so messed up.

I really think you should consider counselling.

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 11:05PM

tomwaterford wrote: »

Surly...you'll just have to take a chance and trust him??

Bordering on some serious control issues otherwise.....has he given you any reason to not trust him?

But my point is: if he is lusting after other sexy women, then he clearly would enjoy sex with beautiful women. So if that's what he would like, why doesn't he stay single? I'd prefer my man to be chasing after me for a quickie or imagining us having sex while masturbating.
To answer your question, he has always been faithful to me. I don't know if this is a reason not to trust him but when we were initially dating, after 2-3 months, I found messages on his phone to another girl, he was telling her she was hot and saying he can't wait to meet her. This is whilst telling me he loves me even though he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend. We were very much together at the time.. I'm assuming he was just dating a few girls having fun until he gave in to his feelings for me. He was maybe afraid of falling in love. But he also had messages to another girl 2 months after us dating, he was asking her for naked photos. Her messages to him were a lot worse. So that is how I know that he has a lot of female admirers..

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 11:06PM

Tigger99 wrote: »

Oh op your latest posts are heartbreaking. I have never and hope to God will never cheat on someone and I've viewed porn in a relationship. The two aren't automatically connected.

And you assuming that he doesn't love you as much because he masterbates is so messed up.

I really think you should consider counselling.

Hi tigger, thank you so much. You are right what you said. Are you male or female?

25-02-2017 11:08PM

DoctorBoo wrote: »

Don't listen to the others. There is something odd going on here. You are right to be annoyed. Why on earth is he being so secretive? Is he hiding something?

He is hiding his masturbations because they are private and personal and no one elses business!

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 11:10PM

bubblypop wrote: »

He is hiding his masturbations because they are private and personal and no one elses business!

No he is hiding because he know what he is doing is wrong. As someone told me, anything you wouldn't like your partner to know about is cheating. If he isn't doing wrong, why doesn't he admit to it and tell me about it..

25-02-2017 11:11PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

But my point is: if he is lusting after other sexy women, then he clearly would enjoy sex with beautiful women. So if that's what he would like, why doesn't he stay single? I'd prefer my man to be chasing after me for a quickie or imagining us having sex while masturbating.
To answer your question, he has always been faithful to me. I don't know if this is a reason not to trust him but when we were initially dating, after 2-3 months, I found messages on his phone to another girl, he was telling her she was hot and saying he can't wait to meet her. This is whilst telling me he loves me even though he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend. We were very much together at the time.. I'm assuming he was just dating a few girls having fun until he gave in to his feelings for me. He was maybe afraid of falling in love. But he also had messages to another girl 2 months after us dating, he was asking her for naked photos. Her messages to him were a lot worse. So that is how I know that he has a lot of female admirers..

Ah now, this is the problem.
You are insecure because he was texting other women while he was with you.
This is a lot more than masturbation.
It's insecurity based on his past actions and is far more understandable.

And, I think you should be more worried about these messages to other women.

Edit, masturbation is not wrong & it's not cheating

njs030 · 25-02-2017 11:14PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

No he is hiding because he know what he is doing is wrong. As someone told me, anything you wouldn't like your partner to know about is cheating. If he isn't doing wrong, why doesn't he admit to it and tell me about it..

No he is hiding it because he knows you will cause drama over it.
Sometimes people male and female just want a quick, selfish release without having to think about pleasing someone else or waiting for them to be finished.

Op you do need help because you will push him away, he's hiding a very basic normal thing because you have jealousy issues. That's sad for both of you.

tomwaterford · 25-02-2017 11:16PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

But my point is: if he is lusting after other sexy women, then he clearly would enjoy sex with beautiful women. So if that's what he would like, why doesn't he stay single? I'd prefer my man to be chasing after me for a quickie or imagining us having sex while masturbating.
To answer your question, he has always been faithful to me. I don't know if this is a reason not to trust him but when we were initially dating, after 2-3 months, I found messages on his phone to another girl, he was telling her she was hot and saying he can't wait to meet her. This is whilst telling me he loves me even though he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend. We were very much together at the time.. I'm assuming he was just dating a few girls having fun until he gave in to his feelings for me. He was maybe afraid of falling in love. But he also had messages to another girl 2 months after us dating, he was asking her for naked photos. Her messages to him were a lot worse. So that is how I know that he has a lot of female admirers..

Was all this....not before ye got togerher offially??

Id say disregard that (youll have to?),

though i dont think you can force him not to think of/notice other women etc

What harm is it...though really,hes not cheating??

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 11:19PM

bubblypop wrote: »

And, I think you should be more worried about these messages to other women

I amnt worried about these messages to other women because he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt very hurt about it because he really genuinely loved me at the time. I had no idea why he wasn't asking me to be his girlfriend. He even said to me once after 2.5 months seeing each other regularly "I told my mum I'm in love but not in a relationship".. That's when I confronted him but he said we are in a relationship but that he meant he never asked me to be his girlfriend. a few months later and after being apart for 3 months (him going travelling) he asked me to be his girlfriend. I do often wonder if he cheated in this time. However I know he has never been unfaithful since we became official. There have been no more messages from girls.

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 11:22PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

he's hiding a very basic normal thing because you have jealousy issues.

But I clearly said to him I would understand and listen if he tells me. I just wanted him to be honest And say whatever he feels. I don't think it's good to hide things in a relationship. I'm trying to be the open one

25-02-2017 11:23PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

To answer your question, he has always been faithful to me. I don't know if this is a reason not to trust him but when we were initially dating, after 2-3 months, I found messages on his phone to another girl, he was telling her she was hot and saying he can't wait to meet her

. But he also had messages to another girl 2 months after us dating, he was asking her for naked photos. Her messages to him were a lot worse. So that is how I know that he has a lot of female admirers..

So we're ye dating or not when these messages were sent?

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 11:26PM

tomwaterford wrote: »

What harm is it...though really,hes not cheating??

Cheating is the next step. And to be honest I feel it is the same as cheating. Cheating is in the heart, it's not physical, it's emotional and mental. And what he's doing is giving his mind and thoughts and emotions to other women. Instead of thinking of me, he is visualising other girls. So in my opinion, he may aswell be cheating if that's the case. If he's spending so much time thinking of cheating, or if he spends 5 minutes actualy having sex with someone else, what is the difference? He is still in his heart cheating right? It's nearly better if he cheated and stopped after and regretted it. Yet he is continuously going to the shower and imagining other girls. and he doesn't care that it upsets me. He doesn't reassure me

njs030 · 25-02-2017 11:28PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

But I clearly said to him I would understand and listen if he tells me. I just wanted him to be honest And say whatever he feels. I don't think it's good to hide things in a relationship. I'm trying to be the open one

Are you really saying that if he told you he has sexual fantasies about other women you'd be OK with that?

Why would you even ask him to be honest with you about it! Most people take it as a given their other half has fantasies that don't include them.

tomwaterford · 25-02-2017 11:30PM

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

Cheating is the next step. And to be honest I feel it is the same as cheating. Cheating is in the heart, it's not physical, it's emotional and mental. And what he's doing is giving his mind and thoughts and emotions to other women. Instead of thinking of me, he is visualising other girls. So in my opinion, he may aswell be cheating if that's the case. If he's spending so much time thinking of cheating, or if he spends 5 minutes actualy having sex with someone else, what is the difference? He is still in his heart cheating right? It's nearly better if he cheated and stopped after and regretted it. Yet he is continuously going to the shower and imagining other girls. and he doesn't care that it upsets me. He doesn't reassure me

Jesus....thats insane!

Your jumping from him masturbating to saying hes thinking about cheating??

Would ya blame him being wary of being open fully with you....if he had this coming in on top of him

pokerbunnybear · 25-02-2017 11:30PM

bubblypop wrote: »

So we're ye dating or not when these messages were sent?

Yes very much so. we were madly in love. He wanted to see me often and I him. We messaged all day every day and said I love you many times. The only difference is he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend but I just assumed we were a couple because our actions were a couple and I didn't waste time looking for a label, it's only after when I saw these messages, I realised he never asked me to be his girl and that's the only reason I couldn't keep on about this... I did feel very hurt though very hurt. Can't believe he was so mad about me and behind my back chasing other skirts. And I totally thinking of him 24/7 and starry eyed. Anyway I have no right to be mad as we weren't official

Help me fix myself

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