Help me fix myself

Conor Bourke

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

I amnt worried about these messages to other women because he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt very hurt about it because he really genuinely loved me at the time. I had no idea why he wasn't asking me to be his girlfriend. He even said to me once after 2.5 months seeing each other regularly "I told my mum I'm in love but not in a relationship".. That's when I confronted him but he said we are in a relationship but that he meant he never asked me to be his girlfriend. a few months later and after being apart for 3 months (him going travelling) he asked me to be his girlfriend. I do often wonder if he cheated in this time. However I know he has never been unfaithful since we became official. There have been no more messages from girls.

How do you know, do you check his phone regularly? How did you even see the first messages anyway?

pokerbunnybear

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

Yes very much so. we were madly in love. He wanted to see me often and I him. We messaged all day every day and said I love you many times. The only difference is he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend but I just assumed we were a couple because our actions were a couple and I didn't waste time looking for a label, it's only after when I saw these messages, I realised he never asked me to be his girl and that's the only reason I couldn't keep on about this... I did feel very hurt though very hurt. Can't believe he was so mad about me and behind my back chasing other skirts. And I totally thinking of him 24/7 and starry eyed. Anyway I have no right to be mad as we weren't official

So you were seeing each other, & in your words were 'madly in love' ?
Sorry OP, but his actions were not of someone madly in love. And yes if you were sleeping together and madly in love, then you have every right to be annoyed.
I still think your insecurity about a perfectly natural act like masturbation all stems from your boyfriend sexting other women

pokerbunnybear

notjustsweet wrote: »

Are you really saying that if he told you he has sexual fantasies about other women you'd be OK with that? .

No I would not be ok with that at all!!!! I was asking him in the hope he would explain his masturbating innocently like "I did it to relieve stress but wasn't thinking anything." Etc
I was asking him in the hope he would get rid of my worries (my worries being that he was thinking of other women)
But when he denied it and refused to reassure me that's when I started to worry... If he really has sexual fantasies about other women, he should tell me so I can break up with him. I deserve the truth. Why don't I masturbate about other men? I do masturbate from time to time but always thinking of our sex.. I expect the same in return. I don't know how people think it's normal for him to have sexual fantasies about other women and be in a relationship at same time. Surely the whole point of a relationship is to stay sexually committed to one person?

pokerbunnybear

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

How do you know, do you check his phone regularly? How did you even see the first messages anyway?

I know because we spend a lot of time together and when we are apart, he tells me where he is. I have every so often checked his phone to make sure he's serious about me and I never saw anything bad. I haven't checked his phone in the last 6 months however as I know he doesn't message anyone inappropriately anymore. And I saw the first messages by sitting beside him as he opened them. when I saw the content of the messages, I forced him to show me them...

pokerbunnybear

bubblypop wrote: »

yes if you were sleeping together and madly in love, then you have every right to be annoyed.

Yes we were sleeping together when we met every 2 days. We were very close and intimate and I felt utterly betrayed seeing the messages I saw

Tigger99

It's interesting to see that the real issue isn't masterbation at all. It's his previous behaviour when you were first going out.

Him masterbating is perfectly normal. Him sexting other girls when he's allegedly mad into you is ****ty. You checking his phone and his whereabouts is incredibly unhealthy and controlling.

Do you realise that just because all the texts you've spied on over the last few months seem innocent it doesn't give you any sort of guarantee of whether or not he is cheating? I'm not saying that to hurt you but so that you take the rose tinted glasses off and take him off that pedestal.

You either trust someone or you don't. And you obviously don't. And i can't say I blame you. You will drive yourself insane if you stay with this guy.

Oh and in answer to your question, I'm female. I would imagine most of my boyfriends also looked at porn when we were together. It never bothered me because it's not reality.

I'll say this one more time, get help. You can't solve this or as you describe it, fix it, by yourself.

Pickpocket

OP, your boyfriend is almost certainly thinking about other women when he's masturbating. You'll just have to learn to accept it. It's perfectly normal and it's not cheating.

My girlfriend has a vibrator that she thinks I don't know about. We have a very active sex life but that's a little something extra for herself. For her quite nights in with Tom Hardy or god knows who else. And good for her. I have my moments as well. It's very healthy if you ask me.

LegacyUser

I'm female op and I watch porn and masterbate. And I can honestly say if my fella was giving me grief about it he'd be getting dumped pretty fast. He actually walked in one day when I was in the middle of "me" time and we had a good laugh about it after.

You cannot control someone's thoughts or actions.

You don't trust your fella. I think that's the main issue here. And you say you want him to think only about you is way too unreasonable. I don't think any of us can help you "fix" yourself. You have trust issues with this guy and that can be very hard to get over.

Dial Hard

pokerbunnybear wrote:

As someone told me, anything you wouldn't like your partner to know about is cheating.

pokerbunnybear wrote:

I have every so often checked his phone to make sure he's serious about me... I saw the first messages by sitting beside him as he opened them. when I saw the content of the messages, I forced him to show me them...

OP, seriously, you need help. Nothing that you are feeling is normal. Even the language you use is concerning "He is my home" - what does that even mean? You seem to have an absolutely HUGE amount of your self image and self worth invested in this man and that's not healthy.

I really think you should listen to the people here who have advised you to get counselling but unfortunately I think you're just going to cherry-pick the posts that agree with you. Just ask yourself this, though - why are there so few of those?

neonsofa

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

I'm saying exactly that. I feel if he is devoted to me, he should only desire me sexually. What has the world come to that people think it's fine to think about others sexually when committed to someone? I'm by no means religious but if God is real even God said "though shall not covet thy neighbours wife"
Surely if a guy is lusting after other women, he wants to be single. Why stay with one woman if you're gonna fantasise about others??

The bible also says you shouldn't wear mixed fabrics. I'm guessing you don't expect people to abide by that teaching?

My best ever relationship was with a guy who would literally drool over Sophia vegara when she was on TV. For Christmas he got me a calender of hot men from a TV show I watch. We had amazing sex with each other and only each other but because we are not blind we did find other people attractive. Now if any of the men in that calender propositioned me I would not even think about it because I loved him. Can't say the same if Sophia came onto him lol, but my point is- finding someone attractive does not mean you love your partner less. It means that their face or body is nice to look at. That is all. You are going to make yourself sick with worry if you don't seek out help for these insecurities. Your partner is not being open with you because you are making him feel like he is doing something wrong when he is not. He is avoiding a fight- because he loves you. He doesn't want to hurt you but he knows you are asking too much of him so he does what is natural and then keeps it from you to keep you happy. He is not in the wrong here.

sReq | uTeK

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

I'm saying exactly that. I feel if he is devoted to me, he should only desire me sexually. What has the world come to that people think it's fine to think about others sexually when committed to someone? I'm by no means religious but if God is real even God said "though shall not covet thy neighbours wife"
Surely if a guy is lusting after other women, he wants to be single. Why stay with one woman if you're gonna fantasise about others??

Jesus Christ, if he reads this he should be out the door..

sReq | uTeK

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

I know because we spend a lot of time together and when we are apart, he tells me where he is. I have every so often checked his phone to make sure he's serious about me and I never saw anything bad. I haven't checked his phone in the last 6 months however as I know he doesn't message anyone inappropriately anymore. And I saw the first messages by sitting beside him as he opened them. when I saw the content of the messages, I forced him to show me them...

You're going to be the cause of the relationship falling apart. You're borderline psychotic in your actions. Never mind the masturbating, This is crazy and the reason he will end up sharing nothing with you.

Pickpocket

Snip: duly warned.

Tokyo

Pickpocket, questioning the authenticity of a poster in that manner is not permitted here - if you have an issue with a post, report it. Please familiarise yourself with the forum charter before posting in PI/RI again.

Pickpocket

mike_ie wrote: »

Pickpocket, questioning the authenticity of a poster in that manner is not permitted here - if you have an issue with a post, report it. Please familiarise yourself with the forum charter before posting in PI/RI again.

Of course. An error of judgement. My apologies.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you're all over the place. Your title suggest you believe you're the one with the problem. Yet all your replies suggest he is 100% wrong and you only seem to want to hear replies who tell you he is. So which one is it? Do you think you're wrong? Do you think he is?

Your language and your views on relationships is bordering on hysterical. You seem to have this man built-up in your head as some sort of superhuman being. He's a man. Just a man. He will have faults. He will disappoint you. He will on occasion let you down. (Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that him masturbating is wrong!!) I highly doubt he "desires" other women. If he did, why is he in a relationship with you? Would it not be easier to be single and fulfill his desires every weekend if he wanted to? Watching porn does not equal desiring others.

OP, you need to back off. You need to stop following him around. You need to stop checking his phone. If you don't trust him then you should end your relationship, rather than wear him down to a person who you believe should hand over full control of his private life to you. And yes, even people in relationships will still have their own private stuff. If you don't finish with him and you continue your controlling behaviour, he will finish with you. Maybe he's being inconsiderate, maybe he's being a sleaze? But judging by your language and ideals, he's probably not doing anything out of the ordinary, but you are dramatising it.

Continue the way you are you will push him away, possibly to another woman who doesn't have the same obsession with him. But if that happens, you will probably tell yourself you were right not to trust him all along, that he didn't really want you.

osarusan

Your understanding of how somebody should behave and feel and think while in a relationship is skewed. Horribly, frighteningly skewed.

I'd guess that if your boyfriend had started a thread which mirrors this one but from his perspective, posters would be telling him to get the hell out of there.

cactusgal

Going against the grain here, but I really don't think it's normal for a guy to be watching a music video with his girlfriend and then get so turned on that he has to go jerk off in the bathroom straightaway. If my boyfriend did that, I'd find it pretty weird.

Big Bag of Chips

But we don't know if that's exactly what happened. OP's language has been pretty hysterical in her posts. So while I don't want to doubt her, I also don't want to concentrate too much on the specifics of what she describes but has made it clear that she thinks any man in a relationship should never even think never mind act.

As is often said here, if you go looking for something specific you'll usually find it... Even if it's not necessarily there.

njs030

cactusgal wrote: »

Going against the grain here, but I really don't think it's normal for a guy to be watching a music video with his girlfriend and then get so turned on that he has to go jerk off in the bathroom straightaway. If my boyfriend did that, I'd find it pretty weird.

I'd agree with bboc on this. The op seems to be looking for reasons to be jealous because she's insecure, we've all been watching telly and then got up to go and have a shower!
The op has decided that he went for a shower because he saw a particular advert and she then followed him to check what he was doing and created a link in her mind.

cactusgal

notjustsweet wrote: »

I'd agree with bboc on this. The op seems to be looking for reasons to be jealous because she's insecure, we've all been watching telly and then got up to go and have a shower!
The op has decided that he went for a shower because he saw a particular advert and she then followed him to check what he was doing and created a link in her mind.

I don't know. I think that's a bit of a reach, but between that and the sexting other girls, the relationship she's describing wouldn't be for me. Each to their own, though!

Big Bag of Chips

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

I heard a racket from the shower. It would be hard not to hear, then I listened closer wondering what it was and that's how I heard.

How loud was he and what was he doing that she heard a "racket"? Over the noise of the shower? I think the OP wants to be offended by this and wants her boyfriend to be doing this so that she can reiterate how wrong it is and how when in a relationship he should only have sex with her. As in, not masturbate because he can just have sex with her instead. That is why I wonder about the details of her posts. I don't doubt he's masturbating, but I do doubt if it's happening in exactly the way the OP describes it.

njs030

cactusgal wrote: »

I don't know. I think that's a bit of a reach, but between that and the sexting other girls, the relationship she's describing wouldn't be for me. Each to their own, though!

You think it's a reach that it's a coincidence? Wouldn't you think it's more of a reach that he glanced at an advert and continued to think about these women throughout his shower considering the person who is insisting it's true?

I think it's creepy that she notices what adverts he glances at and follows him into the shower to listen- that's very controlling!

The other women was before they were in a relationship I think?

lunalex

I feel incredibly sorry for you i think u are extremely naive sweetheart... everything screams insecurity and unhealthy... u cannot control your OH.... I don't think you understand how ridiculous some of your statements are... I don't blame the guy for not wanting to discuss it with u because it has became apparent that you would totally not be understanding!!...I think u need some sort of education on sex, relationships, intimacy, and most importantly working on yourself! You actually sound like me before i met my husband and it was him along with a counselor that helped and educated me and made me a better person less judgmental and more understanding it seems the communication is lost here with u and ur OH and that's sad. The world is not cupcakes and rainbows if u don't seek help u will never be happy.. You lose nothing trying but believe me u will gain everything if u open ur mind. Good luck with it all

Bandana boy

Expecting a Guy to only think of his partner while masturbating is unrealistic , The pool of guys who fit your criteria in a world of 3.5 Billion men is roughly zero.
99.99% of guys can separate reality and fantasy and would not think it cheating to fantasize about People you know , never mind Pop and movie stars .

timmy880

He's a man who likes to masturbate alot.... You've made a fuss about it so now he tries to do it without you knowing about it. Simple as that. You're reading far too much into everything here. And only responding to comments of posters who agree with you shows you came here not looking for advice but for justification that he's in the wrong (even though that's not what your post title suggests)

Nichololas

pokerbunnybear wrote: »

I don't know how people think it's normal for him to have sexual fantasies about other women and be in a relationship at same time. Surely the whole point of a relationship is to stay sexually committed to one person?

There are happy, functioning relationships where neither partner desires sex.
There are happy, functioning relationships where both partners want to share their bed with a string of lovers.
There are no happy, functioning relationships where one partner wants to control the private thoughts of the other.

Having sexual fantasies is normal, and not something that is really under conscious control. It happens or it doesn't happen, like any chemistry between people. Trying to dampen it is bad for your mental health.

I recommend you do some research and reading around the spectrum of human sexual relationships. It probably won't all appeal to you personally, but hopefully it'll expand your horizons a little and lessen the very strict, naive perspective of sexual relations that you seem to have.

Getting counselling or therapy is always a good thing, regardless of whether you feel you need it.

Don't look through people's phones, it's an incredible invasion of privacy and breach of trust.

Don't listen at the door when people go to the bathroom, it's .. just weird.