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Mother in law's dog for Christmas

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    #32
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,007 ✭ [Deleted User]


    di11on wrote: »
    My mother-in-law is a total borderline mother. My wife adores her and is constantly looking for her approval etc. The problem for me is that she can't actually bring the subject up with her mother... she can't even discuss it. She would rather impose the dog on me and fight with me rather than risk upsetting her mother by even bringing up the subject

    As others have said, this probably isn't even about the dog for you, it's about your wife's relationship with her mother.

    I feel sorry for any grown person who is in constant need of approval from a parent, it's quite sad really.

    So take it as a compliment ... your wife knows she can count on you 100% but needs more from her mother.

    Be the good guy and suck it up, let the kids and your wife and MIL worry about the dog. It sounds like you'll have a full house this Christmas so don't sweat the small stuff :)


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    #33
    di11on
    Registered Users Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭di11on


    Deleted User wrote: »
    As others have said, this probably isn't even about the dog for you, it's about your wife's relationship with her mother.

    I feel sorry for any grown person who is in constant need of approval from a parent, it's quite sad really.

    So take it as a compliment ... your wife knows she can count on you 100% but needs more from her mother.

    Be the good guy and suck it up, let the kids and your wife and MIL worry about the dog. It sounds like you'll have a full house this Christmas so don't sweat the small stuff :)

    Thanks for your constructive good natured input :-)


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    #34
    twill
    Registered Users Posts: 587 ✭✭✭twill


    I think it's less about the dog and more that the OP doesn't seem to feel that he has a choice in what is going on, and maybe that the mother in law is making all the decisions with no regard for his input? I would address that part because it seems to have created some resentment. There's no reason a compromise can't be reached, either on the issue of how long your mother-in-law stays or on the issue of the dog. What you need to do is discuss it with your wife, and she needs to acknowledge your input. If she won't confront her mother, tell her you'll do it together.


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    #35
    Mystery Egg
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 2,582 Mod ✭✭✭✭Mystery Egg


    The only dog that would be allowed in my house would be a service dog. That would still be uncomfortable and unpleasant for me, but it would be a clear case of need and in that case I'd be willing to suck it up for the short term. There's no other case where other people's animals can enter my home, and if dog owners don't like it, well sorry, that's just tough.

    Pet owners seem to be, in many cases, absolutely unable to understand those who do not wish to be around their animals. Animals indoors make me and the whole space feel contaminated, and there are many, many people who feel the same way. I itch from head to toe when staying with friends with pets, so I'm not willing to have them in my own home at all.

    From my point of view the OP's wife's first responsibility is to her partner, not her mother.


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    #36
    Mystery Egg
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 2,582 Mod ✭✭✭✭Mystery Egg


    bucketybuck wrote: »
    Its a relatively unimportant factor that only one person in the entire family finds annoying.

    Relatively unimportant to you. The OP posted here because it is important to him.


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    #37
    bucketybuck
    Registered Users Posts: 18,301 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    Mystery Egg wrote: »
    Relatively unimportant to you. The OP posted here because it is important to him.

    Only relatively, which is what I said.


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    #38
    Sound Bite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    Op, I would be the same as you - never grew up with animals, don't like them either - the smell, noise, mess etc. They make me uncomfortable - don't have a fear but just very comfortable with them snapping at me, jumping on me or licking me - hate it.

    That said, it's 1% of the year that you have to put up with it. Pick your battles wisely - is it worth making an issue of? Especially when your wife doesn't want to.


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    #39
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    When it comes to Christmas and in-laws unfortunately life is always about compromise. When you get married to someone, you're taking on their family as well. Not lock, stock and barrel but to the extent that they will be involved in your life as much as your own family.

    If your MIL is aware of how uncomfortable dogs make you feel, then she should be amenable to a compromise (that your wife introduces). So maybe designate parts of the house OK for the dog - anywhere with tiles or wooden floors are good, easy to clean. Kitchen, utility room and maybe a conservatory are typical places that people restrict the dog to.
    People usually make places with carpets or soft furnishings off limits for animals - sitting room, bedrooms, etc. Which while I don't do it myself, I understand it if people are particularly picky about keeping things immaculate.


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    #40
    faceman
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 16,588 CMod ✭✭✭✭faceman


    OP just on the carpet vs wood floor, you're better off with wood floors when it comes to dogs. Wet dogs will mark carpets and if the dogs shed it's a nightmare to hoover it up. The dogs nails won't damage wooden floors.


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    #41
    K_P
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    I'm astounded at the amount of "suck it up" posts here. I'm assuming most of the posters here must be serous dog lovers but I still can't understand how many people think he's being unreasonable for good naturedly objecting to a guest bringing a creature he hates to stay over Christmas. Just because a dog is like a member of the family to some people, that doesn't make such a notion universally true.

    It's the OP and wife's house and as such the OP should be allowed object to who or what stays in his house. If the MIL insisted on bringing a distant family member who the OP hated, would make a mess, would smell, could easily spend Christmas elsewhere, posters would be rightly telling the OP not to put up with such demands.

    OP, your MIL is being incredibly rude by insisting on this, by landing you with the dog and refusing to compromise when she's a guest in your home. As it's so close to Christmas at this stage, I'd suggest you put up with it just this once but seriously restrict where the dog is. This is a dog, they are utterly unaware of Christmas so they don't have to be included in the festivities. Make it known that this is a once off and for future visits the dog will have to be put up elsewhere - kennels, a neighbour, another family member, whoever. You do not have to just suck it up.


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    #42
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    ^ I don't think the MIL is insisting on anything, in fact I don't think she's even remotely aware that there is an issue.


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    #43
    K_P
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Rereading the original post, that may be true actually. Maybe it's largely the wife too terrified of her own mother to raise these issues. But I still think anyone reasonable would check it's ok to bring the dog beforehand and offer to make some compromises. She's the OP's mother in law, she must know how he feels about dogs.


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    #44
    K_P
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Rereading the original post, that may be true actually. Maybe it's largely the wife too terrified of her own mother to raise these issues. But I still think anyone reasonable would check it's ok to bring the dog beforehand and offer to make some compromises. She's the OP's mother in law, she must know how he feels about dogs.


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    #45
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    I would also with "suck it up" but only because I don't think you should pass this phobia onto your kids. There is no point raising them to have the same problem. It's not fair on them, they can sense your attitude. Just put up with the dog for a few days, for everybody's sake. You might grow to like him!

    As for your wife fawning over her mother and being unable to say boo to her, I would leave that row until after Christmas. She is obviously desperate for her mother's approval. Not an ideal relationship, but this is the wrong time to sort it out.


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    #46
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,331 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Teyla Emmagan wrote: »
    I would also with "suck it up" but only because I don't think you should pass this phobia onto your kids. There is no point raising them to have the same problem.

    It is not a phobia. He just really hates dogs.

    I wonder if the OPs mother in law had a ferret, hamsters or a load of rat babies would people be as quick to tell him to suck it up. He hates dogs. He is allowed to hate dogs.

    I know people who have an intense dislike for both cats and dogs and really cannot stand being around them so I really get where the OP is coming from.


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    #47
    wyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 6,977 ✭✭✭wyrn


    OP did you post about your wife and your MIL before? The line about the bathrooms struck a bell with me. If you're the same person who spoke about the MIL who had certain ideas for women and men, then that changes my view in that she totally domineers your wife.

    I don't think you're being unreasonable (and I love dogs). I do think it all depends on the type of dog too, is it an old dog that will sleep all day or is an energetic dog that will get under your feet, will it bark all night, how house trained is the dog etc...

    I know you don't like dogs and that's fine. However how do your little girls like the dog? Will they be upset if the dog is left at home or in a kennel? I think you could put your foot down and insist that the dog doesn't come but I think that might just cause more issues.


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    #48
    amtc
    Registered Users Posts: 2,490 ✭✭✭amtc


    I've just been onto my mam who bumped into a neighbour at the shops who has two adult children coming home for Christmas with two dogs and two cats. They're going in the shed!

    On the op why not just do the day?


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    #49
    jennyhayes123
    Registered Users Posts: 471 ✭✭jennyhayes123


    I'm with the Op. Absolutely no way would I let the dog in my house. Maybe you should say it to the Mil yourself. Not everyone is an animal lover I'm certainly not and I would rather move out than share my house with a dog. Making your house all smelly and hairy


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    #50
    Citygirl1
    Registered Users Posts: 298 ✭✭Citygirl1


    I had a response to this drafted earlier today, but it got lost.

    As a person who also is not fond of dogs, particularly inside the house, I believe OP is in the right here. It is his (and his wife's) house. He is already happily accommodating a number of members of his wife's family, but is now having a dog imposed also. I would extremely annoyed at being forced to have a dog in my house for a full three days. Particularly days when I am home, trying to relax and enjoy myself.

    From my personal experience, some dog lovers (very nice people in general) can be quite ignorant when it comes to their dogs. They believe it is acceptable for dogs to sit on furniture, and to jump on people ("ah, he's only having a bit of fun..."). They also genuinely don't notice the smell that their animals can create. It would also turn my stomach to have a dog running around while we are all eating Christmas dinner.

    Even if OP designates certain areas that the dog is limited to, depending on the Mother-in-Law, this could be taken equally amiss as an outright ban. Also, the dog will still wander in, up on the sofa etc, if no one else is bothered, and OP will become the "grouch" for the period, in his own home.
    However, if the Mother-in-Law and wife do show a bit of respect, I think the best solution is to limit the dog to an area such as the utility room.

    Edited to add: Dogs are not "family" or human beings. I would, of course, deal with a child who created smells, messes etc!


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    #51
    deisemum
    Registered Users Posts: 5,581 ✭✭✭deisemum


    I'm with the OP, I will not have dogs in my house, I'm not gone on dogs, I prefer cats and I certainly wouldn't enjoy my time at home in my own house and have someone's dog there for a few days. The dog would have to go in a shed.


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    #52
    Ronin247
    Registered Users Posts: 1,256 ✭✭✭Ronin247


    Why is the OP being asked to compromise??. I get the impression he is not overly keen on the mother in laws behaviour but is willing to compromise and put up with her for the day, which is then becoming 3 days, and then 3 days with a dog.....

    The mother in law can compromise, she is being invited to Christmas dinner with the family and to suit her she may be invited to stay 3 days. She is not obliged to stay and if she wants to then it is without the dog.... the compromise and choice is hers.


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    #53
    di11on
    Registered Users Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭di11on


    anna080 wrote: »
    ^ I don't think the MIL is insisting on anything, in fact I don't think she's even remotely aware that there is an issue.

    Yes, this is the underlying problem. My wife's relationship with her mother is such that she is afraid if she mentions anything, her mum will feel unwelcome. So the choices being put to me are take MIL and dog from the 23rd to the 26th or we don't invite her at all, except just for Christmas dinner on the 25th.

    My wife is trying to deal with this with absolutely no confrontation with her mother. So the MIL is not ever being asked to compromise on anything at all! All the compromise will have to be on my part. And if I can't live with the 23rd to 26th arrangement, and MIL comes just on the 25th, you can imagine the sort of frosty atmosphere!


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    #54
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    di11on wrote: »
    Yes, this is the underlying problem. My wife's relationship with her mother is such that she is afraid if she mentions anything, her mum will feel unwelcome. So the choices being put to me are take MIL and dog from the 23rd to the 26th or we don't invite her at all, except just for Christmas dinner on the 25th.

    My wife is trying to deal with this with absolutely no confrontation with her mother. So the MIL is not ever being asked to compromise on anything at all! All the compromise will have to be on my part. And if I can't live with the 23rd to 26th arrangement, and MIL comes just on the 25th, you can imagine the sort of frosty atmosphere!

    I don't know the ins and outs of your MIL and wife's relationship, but to vilify her for wanting to be around her dogs is very unfair.

    The MIL has not given you an ultimatum, so stop blaming her, she doesn't like leaving her dogs for extended periods so don't ask her to, either invite her for just the day or invite her and the dog for a few days - this is between you and your wife, stop blaming your MIL.


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    #55
    di11on
    Registered Users Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭di11on


    wyrn wrote: »
    OP did you post about your wife and your MIL before? The line about the bathrooms struck a bell with me...

    Bingo :-)

    And I haven't even mentioned the brother-in-law and the camper van that will be camping out also :-) You'd swear I was making it all up!


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    #56
    di11on
    Registered Users Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭di11on


    GingerLily wrote: »
    I don't know the ins and outs of your MIL and wife's relationship, but to vilify her for wanting to be around her dogs is very unfair.

    The MIL has not given you an ultimatum, so stop blaming her, she doesn't like leaving her dogs for extended periods so don't ask her to, either invite her for just the day or invite her and the dog for a few days - this is between you and your wife, stop blaming your MIL.

    Who's vilifying MIL? Can you point to something specific that I said? My wife's reluctance to, as someone else put it, say "boo" to her is the problem. I actually like her and get on well with her.


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    #57
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    di11on wrote: »
    Who's vilifying MIL. Can you point to something specific that I said? My wife's reluctance to, as someone else put it, say "boo" to her is the problem. I actually like her and get on well with her.

    A lot of posters her ARE vilifying her and seem unaware that she hasn't even been spoken to about this.

    This is between you and your wife.


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    #58
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It's an unenviable situation & is a shed load happening on top of the basic problem of you not liking dogs.

    Whats the separate male & female toilets about in your MIL's house?
    I think you need to make a decision;

    MIL doesn't bring dog, doesn't come your wife's upset
    MIL brings dog you are upset

    Every chance the kids & everyone else loves or at least likes having the dog there.

    One observation about dogs/pets, those who tend to be very "in love" with them or those without children or those who's children have grown up & moved out. To those people, being without their pet is literally the equivalent of being without their child.

    Best of luck & hope your Christmas goes well either way


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    #59
    idnkph
    Registered Users Posts: 669 ✭✭✭idnkph


    I'm a dog lover. But I would never expect to be able to bring my dog to someone else's house for the holidays.
    OP I think you need to speak to the MIL and state she is welcome but the dog can't stay and say you hope this doesn't cause any grief between you.
    Your wife needs to get off her mother's tit. She's a grown woman. If you have a good relationship with the MIL then she will respect your stance, but if she asks what does your wife say or think of this then there is obviously a toxic mother/daughter relationship that you as a husband need to help free your other half from.


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    #60
    LynnGrace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace


    di11on wrote: »
    Bingo :-)

    And I haven't even mentioned the brother-in-law and the camper van that will be camping out also :-) You'd swear I was making it all up!

    I thought the separate toilets thing sounded like something I had read here before.

    Personally, I wouldn't be mad on the idea of a dog in the house. I don't know what to advise though, if the mil is genuinely unaware that there is a problem.

    It seems to be more about your wife being unwilling to even suggest, for example, that the dog is kept in a specific area of the house. I don't agree that you need to 'suck it up'. This could become an ongoing issue, IMO.


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    #61
    bucketybuck
    Registered Users Posts: 18,301 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    di11on wrote: »
    And if I can't live with the 23rd to 26th arrangement

    And can you not live with it? Really? Is this something you really cannot live with or is it something you could live with but just don't want to?

    Thats a rhetorical question for you of course, but you have to ask if you're causing the friction because you really can't put up with a dog for a few days, or is it because you're fed up of the relationship between your wife and her mother and this is where you want to make a stand?

    Because if it is the latter, it might really be worth taking a step back and asking if its worth it, if this is really the best time and place to make that stand.


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