Mother in law's dog for Christmas

di11on

Hey folks.

I hate dogs. I just do. I wish I didn't. I didn't grow up sharing a house with animals so I'm just not used to it. My wife knows this.

Ok - so now I'm married and living abroad. It's Christmas. I love Christmas - always have. It's a magical time of year. The one time our dysfunctional family managed to pull it all together for a truly magical time.

I try to recreate this magic for my kids. It's really important to me. My wife knows this too.

So, we're having some of my wife's family staying with us over Christmas, which is fine. I like having company. My mother-in-law was going to be with us on Christmas day - which is fine too. Then, yesterday it was sprung on me that it didn't make sense for mother-in-law to come only on Christmas day, but wouldn't it make more sense for her to stay over from the 23rd to the 26th because of the other family that's with us. Sure, no problem I thought - the more the merrier. After all, it would be silly if she had to refrain from wine and drive herself home on Christmas day.

But then it dawned on me...

... what about the dog?

"Oh he'd have to come too".

"What do you mean he'd have to come too... you know I can't stand the dog"

"But she wouldn't come without him"

"So you're telling me we're going to have the dog from the 23rd to the 26th?"

"I don't see any other option"

"Have you at least spoken to your mother about finding another solution for the dog... just for the 3 days"?

"I can't ask her that"

"What do you mean you can't ask her that?"

"It's like asking someone to leave their kids with a stranger for a few days"

"Eh... no it isn't"

"For her it is"

"Could it at least stay outside while it's here"

"No, she wouldn't have that"

My mother-in-law is a total borderline mother. My wife adores her and is constantly looking for her approval etc. The problem for me is that she can't actually bring the subject up with her mother... she can't even discuss it. She would rather impose the dog on me and fight with me rather than risk upsetting her mother by even bringing up the subject. So for her it's either have the dog and the mother-in-law from the 23rd to 26th or just invite her for Christmas day... which would be a pity, because I don't mind having the MIL... it's just the DOG.... :-/

What are your thoughts folks?

I'm upset that my wife can't even bring up the subject with mummy in law and prefers to impose it on me and make it all my fault if it doesn't work out.

CloudCumulus

As a dog person, I understand that they're like children to them so I see your wife's viewpoint.
Does your mother in law know how uncomfortable the dog makes you? If so she should be reasonable. However given your wife's seeking approval, it sounds like she may be a domineering person and will go ahead and bring the dog anyway.

If you can at all, try to put up with it. That's easy for me to say because I love them, but it's also good for your children to get to know and respect domestic pets so that they're not fearful of them.

silverharp

put your foot down, give her a list of local kennels in the area. You don't sound like a "difficult" person and everyone is entitled to have certain boundaries respected.

baby and crumble

Do you dislike dogs or are you scared of them?

TBH we all have to do things we don't want to do this time of year.

There's members of both my own family and my partners that I genuinely cannot stand, but they're coming for Christmas dinner.

I think though if you could have a space or two that the dog isn't allowed, like the sitting room or something that'd be grand. You do have to compromise a bit. TBH this close to Christmas you'd do well to find a kennels that has space for over the Christmas anyway.

emmaro

I would never leave one of my own dog in a kennels. He wouldn't cope well. I'd rather stay at home than leave him somewhere like that. My other dog would be fine in kennels. I would never bring them anywhere they were not welcomed though.

Maybe the dog really can't stay in a kennels?
In saying that, it's your house so your rules. Is there no way you'd put up with the dog for a few days? You don't have to give him free run of the house. He could be confined to an area?

daisybelle2008

I dunno OP. I think you are blowing this out of proportion. Your first couple paragraphs about your dysfunctional childhood, the magic of Christmas, how your wife should know all this, didn't grow up with animals in the house etc.
You are really throwing the kitchen sink at this. I think you are creating it into a battle for your wife's affection between you and your mother in law.

I don't think it is about the dog to be honest as much as you not feeling like you will be top dog. There really is no need for drama and ultimatums . If the dog is a small house trained beloved pet that you are not genuinely allergic, then suck it up, as other poster says would be good for kids and granny to integrate everyone. I'm sure kids like it too. Your language in your post is very dramatic.
Surely your dislike for dogs is not worth upsetting wife and MIL? I think they'd really appreciate you making the effort with the mutt. Just because your parents didn't have them in the house doesn't mean you or your kids can't develop a different view.

njs030

Don't try and send him to kennels.

If it's that big a deal you ring your mil and tell her the dog isn't invited so she either gets him minded or only comes for the day.
You're putting your wife in the line of fire when you know it's a relationship that's already stressful and hard for her and in the run up to Christmas too!!

Mr. Incognito

Could you not see this as an exercise for your Children to bond with animals and not have the same phobia you do?

Dogs are members of the family and need to be cared for. Its only three days. I think you can cope.

Lux23

I think you should use this as an opportunity to get over your issue with dogs because the alternatives will most likely cause ructions at Christmas time. I wouldn't go there.

retro:electro

I think you should get over for it for the sake of three days. It's not as if you're scared of the dog, you just don't like them. There's plenty of people/things I don't like around Christmas but I suck it up because it's not all about me and what I want. It's three days op. You never know, you may actually surprise yourself and warm to the dog.

faceman

With due respect OP I'm reading this like it's not about the dog at all. It sounds like your wife has no issue. Will anyone else over Christmas have an issue with it bar you?

Now I'm not saying that it means you're wrong just because you're flying solo. Family comes warts and all. Unless there is a safety, medical or risk of damage to furniture etc you may be on the back foot with this one.

Have a think about if you were to accommodate this request, what could you do to make it both a compromise and something that won't put your nose out of joint too much?

bucketybuck

Is the dog house trained? I could see the issue if it's some young pup that will be barking and peeing around the place, is that the case?

If not, I do think the OP is coming across a bit precious. It seems as if it's just the very idea of a dog being there at all, in which case the adult thing would be to suck it up instead of letting such a petty issue cast a cloud over the entire weekend. You say you enjoy the whole Christmas experience, so why be the only one with a problem?

Parchment

There will be plenty of other people to look after the dog - you will have nothing to do with it for the three days it will be there.

I don't see the problem. Im sure you could say "oh the dog cant come into the sitting room etc" if you didn't want them in around the house that much. But it sounds like the dog is well cared for so is probably house trained and also clean.

I couldn't imagine putting my dog into a kennels for just three days over Xmas.

Loveinapril

There definitely seems to be two issues here, the dog and your perception of your wife's relationship with her mother.

I think people are being unfair to minimise your issue with dogs. If you hate them that much, then you should get to choose whether one is in your house or not. If I was in your position, and my partner was unwilling to discuss this with his mam, I would inform him I would contact his mother myself. It doesn't have to be confrontational or abrupt, "hey MIL. We were thinking it would be lovely for you to stay for a few days over christmas but we won't be able to have your dog here. Could he be minded elsewhere? If not, we will see you on 25th". I feel like your wife should be with you on this. In 9 years, I have a friend who has visited my home once as she absolutely hates cats. I love my cat but also love my friend and understand her issue.

bucketybuck

Loveinapril wrote: »

"hey MIL. We were thinking it would be lovely for you to stay for a few days over christmas but we won't be able to have your dog here. Could he be minded elsewhere? If not, we will see you on 25th".

Thats one way to let your wife's mother know exactly how (un)important she is.

frag420

What does the MIL do when she is away on her hols? Does she bring the dog with her to the hotel or wherever she is staying or does she make alternative arrangements?


If she is adamant that she is bringing the dog then tell her you have made a comfy space for the dog in the shed/just inside the back door/porch etc. Basket, blanket, food/water etc and that is where it will stay for the duration of her stay within reason. If she want to exercise the dog then she can take it for a walk outside.

Loveinapril

bucketybuck wrote: »

Thats one way to let your wife's mother know exactly how (un)important she is.

It isn't clear whether the mother was informed about the extra few days. I thought it could be offered this way, then she makes the choice. It is the OPs home. And he is not saying she can't come, just the dog!

njs030

bucketybuck wrote: »

Thats one way to let your wife's mother know exactly how (un)important she is.

Not at all. I have dogs and I wouldn't expect them to be invited anywhere with me. It's very strange a man who dislikes dogs is expected to have one in his house for days.
What about the hair and smell left behind?? And the mess in the garden?

I can't understand why she would think he is invited unless she's a very old woman maybe??

I don't mind dogs but cannot share a living space with them. That would be an absolute no-no for me, no compromise. I believe animals should be housed outside.

It is your house. Tell your mother in law you are allergic and try to come up with a compromise together - kennels, or a space outside.

Humans come first in my book. Therefore your needs are more important here in my opinion.

Dial Hard

notjustsweet wrote:

What about the hair and smell left behind?? And the mess in the garden?

She should be cleaning all that up anyway. My dad wouldn't be a dog lover but he allows ours to come with us when we go home for Christmas as he knows that otherwise we could only come over for the day on the 25th.

We wash the dog and all her bedding before we arrive, clean up after her in the garden and then hoover the house before we leave. It's the bloody least any dog owner could do if they're bringing a dog to a dog-free house!

bucketybuck

Its the fact that he will be putting into perspective just where she stands in terms of importance, its making pretty clear that yes she is welcome, but only to a point.

And what is that point, what is the thing that would cause her to not be welcome? Its a relatively unimportant factor that only one person in the entire family finds annoying.

If she was a neighbour or an occasional guest it would be totally appropriate to limit her presence due to the dog, and so thats were you are telling her she stands in terms of your family, she is just a guest and that you aren't really bothered if she is there or not.

The OP hasn't said he is allergic to dogs or that the dog isn't house trained, he simply doesn't like them. And it appears he is saying that his simple dislike of a dog is more important than his wife having her mother to stay for a few days over christmas. That he can't suck it up for a few days so she will have to stay away.

Fair enough, he can do what he wants but it seems a bit petty to me.

daisybelle2008

Mystery Egg wrote: »

It is your house.
Tell your mother in law you are allergic

It is also his wife's house, and she doesn't have a problem.
Also he is not allergic, why on earth would he lie about that? to add some false weight to him getting his own way?

njs030

So when he goes to her house to stay can he demand the dog is absent? As it's the person who is visiting that matters more than who lives there according to this thread...

bucketybuck

notjustsweet wrote: »

So when he goes to her house to stay can he demand the dog is absent? As it's the person who is visiting that matters more than who lives there according to this thread...

Thats not what the thread says at all, as I am sure most people can see.

sadie1502

If it was me and you didn't want my dog there I'd personally stay home. I think for one day suck it up what's the worst that could happen.

di11on

bucketybuck wrote: »

Thats one way to let your wife's mother know exactly how (un)important she is.

Lol, that's not quite how it went... my wife is saying that if we were to raise the issue of the dog, she would only drop in on Christmas day.

The reason I'm posting here is that I know there are a lot of other issues at play and I want to get an external view of what's reasonable. I mentioned other things to put context on it all.... let's put it this way - when I go to the MIL's house, there are boys toilets and girls toilets. I have a wife and two daughter's and my MIL is single.

I like the idea of having a small space that is a dog free zone so we can at least make our Lego in peace :-)

By the way, I'm not particularly scared of dogs and wouldn't quite call it a phobia... just an intense dislike :-)

Thanks everyone for the input.

di11on

sadie1502 wrote: »

If it was me and you didn't want my dog there I'd personally stay home. I think for one day suck it up what's the worst that could happen.

It's from the 23rd to the 26th! That's part of the problem!

di11on

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

It is also his wife's house, and she doesn't have a problem.
Also he is not allergic, why on earth would he lie about that? to add some false weight to him getting his own way?

I find the "getting his own way" part disingenuous. Why do you think I went to the trouble of posting here?

di11on

Mystery Egg wrote: »

I don't mind dogs but cannot share a living space with them. That would be an absolute no-no for me, no compromise. I believe animals should be housed outside.

It is your house. Tell your mother in law you are allergic and try to come up with a compromise together - kennels, or a space outside.

Humans come first in my book. Therefore your needs are more important here in my opinion.

You understand how uncomfortable they make me feel... it's not just a casual dislike. This seems to be hard for some people to grasp. For me it's like opening up your house to a smelly giant octopus or something... the smell, the hair, the slobbering scratching my new wood floor :-) It's the fact that it's 3-4 days and at Christmas.

But I do have to weigh this against all the other things in play.

njs030

bucketybuck wrote: »

Thats not what the thread says at all, as I am sure most people can see.

The majority of people in the thread are saying things like suck it up, deal with it etc.

I'm quite aware of what they mean but a guest in someone else's house usually doesn't insist on causing problems to their host and I'm supposed how many people here insist it's acceptable.

BetsyEllen

I think you are over reacting really but I guess it's your house, your rules.

I would just try and compromise.

You have new wooden floors that you are worried about scratching? I find it hard to believe a dogs nails will scratch a wooden floor unless it's quite a cheap floor you have (my parents have wooden floors and a dog and no issues) but if you're really concerned, insist the dog is confined to an area in the house where there is only carpets, a particular room for example.

You can hoover when it's gone, that will save you from the hair.

The slobbering? Well I've come across few dogs in my time that genuinely slobber all over you. It can happen but only really with certain breeds I find.

I think you just need to get over it, it's a very short period of time. It's not like it's going to be sleeping in your bed with you.

di11on

di11on wrote: »

My mother-in-law is a total borderline mother. My wife adores her and is constantly looking for her approval etc. The problem for me is that she can't actually bring the subject up with her mother... she can't even discuss it. She would rather impose the dog on me and fight with me rather than risk upsetting her mother by even bringing up the subject

As others have said, this probably isn't even about the dog for you, it's about your wife's relationship with her mother.

I feel sorry for any grown person who is in constant need of approval from a parent, it's quite sad really.

So take it as a compliment ... your wife knows she can count on you 100% but needs more from her mother.

Be the good guy and suck it up, let the kids and your wife and MIL worry about the dog. It sounds like you'll have a full house this Christmas so don't sweat the small stuff

di11on

Deleted User wrote: »

As others have said, this probably isn't even about the dog for you, it's about your wife's relationship with her mother.

I feel sorry for any grown person who is in constant need of approval from a parent, it's quite sad really.

So take it as a compliment ... your wife knows she can count on you 100% but needs more from her mother.

Be the good guy and suck it up, let the kids and your wife and MIL worry about the dog. It sounds like you'll have a full house this Christmas so don't sweat the small stuff

Thanks for your constructive good natured input :-)

twill

I think it's less about the dog and more that the OP doesn't seem to feel that he has a choice in what is going on, and maybe that the mother in law is making all the decisions with no regard for his input? I would address that part because it seems to have created some resentment. There's no reason a compromise can't be reached, either on the issue of how long your mother-in-law stays or on the issue of the dog. What you need to do is discuss it with your wife, and she needs to acknowledge your input. If she won't confront her mother, tell her you'll do it together.

The only dog that would be allowed in my house would be a service dog. That would still be uncomfortable and unpleasant for me, but it would be a clear case of need and in that case I'd be willing to suck it up for the short term. There's no other case where other people's animals can enter my home, and if dog owners don't like it, well sorry, that's just tough.

Pet owners seem to be, in many cases, absolutely unable to understand those who do not wish to be around their animals. Animals indoors make me and the whole space feel contaminated, and there are many, many people who feel the same way. I itch from head to toe when staying with friends with pets, so I'm not willing to have them in my own home at all.

From my point of view the OP's wife's first responsibility is to her partner, not her mother.

bucketybuck

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its a relatively unimportant factor that only one person in the entire family finds annoying.

Relatively unimportant to you. The OP posted here because it is important to him.

bucketybuck

Mystery Egg wrote: »

Relatively unimportant to you. The OP posted here because it is important to him.

Only relatively, which is what I said.

Sound Bite

Op, I would be the same as you - never grew up with animals, don't like them either - the smell, noise, mess etc. They make me uncomfortable - don't have a fear but just very comfortable with them snapping at me, jumping on me or licking me - hate it.

That said, it's 1% of the year that you have to put up with it. Pick your battles wisely - is it worth making an issue of? Especially when your wife doesn't want to.

seamus

When it comes to Christmas and in-laws unfortunately life is always about compromise. When you get married to someone, you're taking on their family as well. Not lock, stock and barrel but to the extent that they will be involved in your life as much as your own family.

If your MIL is aware of how uncomfortable dogs make you feel, then she should be amenable to a compromise (that your wife introduces). So maybe designate parts of the house OK for the dog - anywhere with tiles or wooden floors are good, easy to clean. Kitchen, utility room and maybe a conservatory are typical places that people restrict the dog to.
People usually make places with carpets or soft furnishings off limits for animals - sitting room, bedrooms, etc. Which while I don't do it myself, I understand it if people are particularly picky about keeping things immaculate.

faceman

OP just on the carpet vs wood floor, you're better off with wood floors when it comes to dogs. Wet dogs will mark carpets and if the dogs shed it's a nightmare to hoover it up. The dogs nails won't damage wooden floors.

K_P

I'm astounded at the amount of "suck it up" posts here. I'm assuming most of the posters here must be serous dog lovers but I still can't understand how many people think he's being unreasonable for good naturedly objecting to a guest bringing a creature he hates to stay over Christmas. Just because a dog is like a member of the family to some people, that doesn't make such a notion universally true.

It's the OP and wife's house and as such the OP should be allowed object to who or what stays in his house. If the MIL insisted on bringing a distant family member who the OP hated, would make a mess, would smell, could easily spend Christmas elsewhere, posters would be rightly telling the OP not to put up with such demands.

OP, your MIL is being incredibly rude by insisting on this, by landing you with the dog and refusing to compromise when she's a guest in your home. As it's so close to Christmas at this stage, I'd suggest you put up with it just this once but seriously restrict where the dog is. This is a dog, they are utterly unaware of Christmas so they don't have to be included in the festivities. Make it known that this is a once off and for future visits the dog will have to be put up elsewhere - kennels, a neighbour, another family member, whoever. You do not have to just suck it up.

retro:electro

^ I don't think the MIL is insisting on anything, in fact I don't think she's even remotely aware that there is an issue.

K_P

Rereading the original post, that may be true actually. Maybe it's largely the wife too terrified of her own mother to raise these issues. But I still think anyone reasonable would check it's ok to bring the dog beforehand and offer to make some compromises. She's the OP's mother in law, she must know how he feels about dogs.

K_P

Rereading the original post, that may be true actually. Maybe it's largely the wife too terrified of her own mother to raise these issues. But I still think anyone reasonable would check it's ok to bring the dog beforehand and offer to make some compromises. She's the OP's mother in law, she must know how he feels about dogs.

Teyla Emmagan

I would also with "suck it up" but only because I don't think you should pass this phobia onto your kids. There is no point raising them to have the same problem. It's not fair on them, they can sense your attitude. Just put up with the dog for a few days, for everybody's sake. You might grow to like him!

As for your wife fawning over her mother and being unable to say boo to her, I would leave that row until after Christmas. She is obviously desperate for her mother's approval. Not an ideal relationship, but this is the wrong time to sort it out.

Loveinapril

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I would also with "suck it up" but only because I don't think you should pass this phobia onto your kids. There is no point raising them to have the same problem.

It is not a phobia. He just really hates dogs.

I wonder if the OPs mother in law had a ferret, hamsters or a load of rat babies would people be as quick to tell him to suck it up. He hates dogs. He is allowed to hate dogs.

I know people who have an intense dislike for both cats and dogs and really cannot stand being around them so I really get where the OP is coming from.

wyrn

OP did you post about your wife and your MIL before? The line about the bathrooms struck a bell with me. If you're the same person who spoke about the MIL who had certain ideas for women and men, then that changes my view in that she totally domineers your wife.

I don't think you're being unreasonable (and I love dogs). I do think it all depends on the type of dog too, is it an old dog that will sleep all day or is an energetic dog that will get under your feet, will it bark all night, how house trained is the dog etc...

I know you don't like dogs and that's fine. However how do your little girls like the dog? Will they be upset if the dog is left at home or in a kennel? I think you could put your foot down and insist that the dog doesn't come but I think that might just cause more issues.

amtc

I've just been onto my mam who bumped into a neighbour at the shops who has two adult children coming home for Christmas with two dogs and two cats. They're going in the shed!

On the op why not just do the day?

jennyhayes123

I'm with the Op. Absolutely no way would I let the dog in my house. Maybe you should say it to the Mil yourself. Not everyone is an animal lover I'm certainly not and I would rather move out than share my house with a dog. Making your house all smelly and hairy

Citygirl1

I had a response to this drafted earlier today, but it got lost.

As a person who also is not fond of dogs, particularly inside the house, I believe OP is in the right here. It is his (and his wife's) house. He is already happily accommodating a number of members of his wife's family, but is now having a dog imposed also. I would extremely annoyed at being forced to have a dog in my house for a full three days. Particularly days when I am home, trying to relax and enjoy myself.

From my personal experience, some dog lovers (very nice people in general) can be quite ignorant when it comes to their dogs. They believe it is acceptable for dogs to sit on furniture, and to jump on people ("ah, he's only having a bit of fun..."). They also genuinely don't notice the smell that their animals can create. It would also turn my stomach to have a dog running around while we are all eating Christmas dinner.

Even if OP designates certain areas that the dog is limited to, depending on the Mother-in-Law, this could be taken equally amiss as an outright ban. Also, the dog will still wander in, up on the sofa etc, if no one else is bothered, and OP will become the "grouch" for the period, in his own home.
However, if the Mother-in-Law and wife do show a bit of respect, I think the best solution is to limit the dog to an area such as the utility room.

Edited to add: Dogs are not "family" or human beings. I would, of course, deal with a child who created smells, messes etc!

deisemum

I'm with the OP, I will not have dogs in my house, I'm not gone on dogs, I prefer cats and I certainly wouldn't enjoy my time at home in my own house and have someone's dog there for a few days. The dog would have to go in a shed.