How come Tinder is so difficult?

strawdog · 06-12-2016 05:47PM

Maybe some do but I would never use Tinder as my primary way of dating (presuming that's what you're looking for), just a fun time killer that has a small chance of paying off. There's really too little info available to take it seriously. For me, being social, going to big nights out, meeting new people through activities etc are still the meat and potatoes of dating life and way more likely to pay off.

Tinder is like doing a scratch card, an amusement that could potentially pay off big occasionally, but usually I'd be just happy to 'make my money back'(ie match with someone nice, go out on a date that's not a disaster or even fun, but ultimately doesn't go anywhere). Human attraction and relationships are far too complicated to have higher expectations.

The only way I find Tinder consistently useful is as social information. Finding out about acquaintances or people I half-know IRL who are single. I never swipe right as it would just be awkward, but, it means I know who is single in my extended circles. Might sound stalkerish but I think we all want to know who we know that is available.

On a totally unrelated matter I decided to add the Spotify option on it last night, just to give a bit more info about myself as I haven't had a match in a while. It chose as my anthem 'Creep' by Radiohead! Spotify knows!

professore · 06-12-2016 05:56PM

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

This 80/20 thing sounds like a load of sh1te. I suspect it's a theory dreamed up by unsuccessful guys to explain their dating failures.
Most women would hook up with most guys.
Most guys would hook up with most women.
Assuming you're not spectacularly ugly or out of shape, you have a reasonable chance to pick up people of the opposite sex if you make some effort.

Ok if your theory is true ... but imagine you go on Tinder and you match every girl you swipe on. A couple of them are super hot by your tastes, a good few are only OK and another chunk are "plain". Who are you going to meet up with?

Kal El · 06-12-2016 05:56PM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

I know what youre talking about but i don't think it bears any relation to the fact that myexperience would suggest there's a generation of men who don't grasp how to make conversation or why ot would be of importance.

I couldn't give a fiddlers if a guy is doing the "mass swipe" thing, or we do converse and it becomes obvious that we're not suited so subsequently unmatches me.

When a guy sends a message saying hi or whatever, and doesn't demonstrate any capacity to chat back and forth after that, it makes me wonder whether they are either lacking in basic social skills or so egocentric to think that they've made sufficient effort. If making basic conversation constitutes "hard work" from a guy's point of view then perhaps it's time for me to walk away from tinder.

I dont agree theres a generation of men that cant make conversation. I really think you are just hitting the mass like market. A guy will message a girl back even if he has no interest in them. Im sorry you have got quiet a few of them.

Arevaci · 06-12-2016 06:02PM

ligerdub wrote: »

Nightclubs are a terrible place to meet women, a lot of them are on the defensive and are there to reject men, which is fair enough, it's natural to be cautious with total strangers. Of almost all of the friends I know most of them met their other half's through friends or work.

Nightclubs and pubs I’ve found are the best places to meet women if you can have the courage to talk to them (and it isn’t too loud). There’s girls I’ve met on nights out who’d never consider liking me online.

If you can have courage to go up to and talk to a women, you are miles ahead compared to where you would be online:

First, by talking to her you're showing a certain level of confidence which girls like. With online dating these days guys hardly ever approach women anymore (who are not already friends). And despite all the talk of rape culture, I’ve heard more complaints from my female friends about how guys are dopes and never talk to them anymore.
Second, you’re right there standing in front of her, you may not be the fantasy guy she’s been waiting for but she just has to look around at every other pissed guy to realise you’re probably the best option.
Third, if she happens to be horny there’s only one step left and that’s very motivating – compared to a week of texting online and rescheduling where the connection fades quickly.
Fourth, you’re connecting with the girl on a biochemical level face to face; online there’s no such connection, in the same way facebook doesn’t make us feel anymore social.
Fifth, she’s probably had some alcohol so all those Irish guilt inhibitions around sex or even just talking to guys will be reduced.

I hate to always be really mathematic and 80/20 etc. but the odds for a guy are spectacularly higher face to face compared to online. Online is great for the really handsome guys and maybe the socially awkward guys with great holiday photos but for majority of guys we look far better face to face. I've even seen this with my online dates. There's been girls who I met online who I wasn't particularly interested in when we met face to face, yet they would be quite persistent in continuing the night (even though I was the persistent one online).

I guess it’s about picking your opportunities, yes you’ll have zero chance with a group of Irish girls in wooly jumpers sitting round a table. In contrast, two Spanish girls on holiday will definitely be at least interested to talk to you – or generally any girl that looks bored out off her head drinking with her mates.

It really is as simple as talking, reading body language, if there’s no negative gestures/expressions, continue, if there is, give up and tell her it was nice talking to her. In the future Skype type dating will be a lot more helpful to guys but for now, approaching women in real life is where the best opportunities are at.

TLDR: As a guy you’ll generally never get a girl at your level online so you’ll be restricted to reluctant hook ups. If you approach girls in the real world, you’ll connect with them better, they’ll see you as a confident guy and you can definitely hit it off with girls above your own level.

The Talking Bread · 06-12-2016 06:04PM

If someone wasn't making an effort to maintain some sort of even small conversational rapport I wouldn't humour them too long! They may be a lovely person outside the virtual world but I wouldn't have too much patience for small talk over a text!
I would imagine it is guys who would generally be the more enthusiastic to strike a chat anyway. Obviously not a generalisation but most guys would prefer not to engage in "hi, hw r u 2day" style messages!
Anyone will tell you that in general a fella would initiate the conversation anyway with the first message. Again, not everyone but a majority.

Jayop · 06-12-2016 06:06PM

I met my wife when I had just turned 18 and haven't had to go out on the pull ever since. I would dread to be going out looking for a woman now, especially in rural Ireland where I am. The pickings at my age would be so slim that my options for getting a ride i my local town would be limited to someone married, someone who's separated (no problem there), someone who's far too young for me or possibly one of the 5/6 woman around my age that never got married.

I don't think I'd have any problem in a big town or city pulling because it's a different game there. I do feel sorry for anyone single though that is looking for a long term partner at my age. It's tough going.

Conor Bourke · 06-12-2016 06:10PM

Kal El wrote: »

I dont agree theres a generation of men that cant make conversation. I really think you are just hitting the mass like market. A guy will message a girl back even if he has no interïest in them. Im sorry you have got quiet a few of them.

Why bother? What on earth is the point?!

Conor Bourke · 06-12-2016 06:15PM

The Talking Bread wrote: »

If someone wasn't making an effort to maintain some sort of even small conversational rapport I wouldn't humour them too long! They may be a lovely person outside the virtual world but I wouldn't have too much patience for small talk over a text!
I would imagine it is guys who would generally be the more enthusiastic to strike a chat anyway. Obviously not a generalisation but most guys would prefer not to engage in "hi, hw r u 2day" style messages!
Anyone will tell you that in general a fella would initiate the conversation anyway with the first message. Again, not everyone but a majority.

I don't humour them for long and I'm not one bit interested in "hi hw r u 2day" chats either. I just want to get a feel for the person, see if we've anything in common and then perhaps meet for a drink all going well.

Kal El · 06-12-2016 06:20PM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

Why bother? What on earth is the point?!

No idea, but its something Ive seen a lot off. I asked lads who I seen doing them exact kinda message the short answers, why they were messaging these girls. The common answer is "No real reason, pass the time" or "I might try sleep with her" if I cant get anyone else. These are lads who arent dicks or anything they get similar messages from women, its just what happens.
I personally have never used tinder as anything other than sleep with women, ive been on zero dates on it. Ive gone on dates with girls after but it was never the first thing we did.

Kal El · 06-12-2016 06:20PM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

I don't humour them for long and I'm not one bit interested in "hi hw r u 2day" chats either. I just want to get a feel for the person, see if we've anything in common and then perhaps meet for a drink all going well.

Have you met anyone from tinder

Conor Bourke · 06-12-2016 06:25PM

Kal El wrote: »

No idea, but its something Ive seen a lot off. I asked lads who I seen doing them exact kinda message the short answers, why they were messaging these girls. The common answer is , "No real reason, pass the time" or "I might try sleep with her" if I cant get anyone else. These are lads who arent dicks or anything they get similar messages from women, its just what happens.
I personally have never used tinder as anything other than sleep with women, ive been on zero dates on it. Ive gone on dates with girls after but it was never the first thing we did.

How old are these guys? That is a bit dickish IMO. Some people might take offence to the second explanation, but the bolded bit is worse in my book.

Also, while that may go some way to explaining why some guys will respond if i send the first message, or if they're not really interested, what about the guys who send the first message or are supposedly interested and don't grasp what i mean when i point out that their conversational skills leave a lot to be desired?

Conor Bourke · 06-12-2016 06:28PM

Kal El wrote: »

Have you met anyone from tinder

Yeah I've used it on and off over about 2 years, met roughly 6 or 7 guys off it. Met two of them a second time each

Salrub · 06-12-2016 06:31PM

Jayop wrote: »

I met my wife when I had just turned 18 and haven't had to go out on the pull ever since. I would dread to be going out looking for a woman now, especially in rural Ireland where I am. The pickings at my age would be so slim that my options for getting a ride i my local town would be limited to someone married, someone who's separated (no problem there), someone who's far too young for me or possibly one of the 5/6 woman around my age that never got married.

I don't think I'd have any problem in a big town or city pulling because it's a different game there. I do feel sorry for anyone single though that is looking for a long term partner at my age. It's tough going.

Have to agree with this post. I live in a rural part and as a man in my early 30's I don't see any women my age or around available or left. Kinda regret not being pro active more in my 20's but I'm a shy lad at the start when I meet someone but once you know me I open up. Been single for last 6 months since my ex left me so I have tried tinder for a while. It probably wasn't a good idea as my confidence is low already but I said I would try it as I'm not usually confident enough to go up chatting a woman on a night out in case of rejection or her being taken which normally happens. Was actually chatting for 2 weeks with a girl I matched on tinder, we met up, had a really good night out and asked her would she like to meet up again which she said yeah she would. So after another 2 days I was effectively ghosted by her and haven't heard from her since. So between her and my ex, it feels I was just being used to pass the time which makes me question are all the decent, nice women all snapped up by now. So my opinion on tinder is probably most women are looking for someone always better than you are and unless you have the total looks, you will find it hard. I've taken a break from it as it's just knocking my confidence more. Just my two cents on the subject

Surreptitious · 06-12-2016 06:32PM

I think it's about looks, who's going to swipe on someone they don't like? Most of the best looking ones seem to be foreign in my area even though I'm not at home right now. It's busy though, can't see why people can't find someone on their own level on it.

The Talking Bread · 06-12-2016 06:33PM

Kal El wrote: »

No idea, but its something Ive seen a lot off. I asked lads who I seen doing them exact kinda message the short answers, why they were messaging these girls. The common answer is "No real reason, pass the time" or "I might try sleep with her" if I cant get anyone else. These are lads who arent dicks or anything they get similar messages from women, its just what happens.
I personally have never used tinder as anything other than sleep with women, ive been on zero dates on it. Ive gone on dates with girls after but it was never the first thing we did.

Oh, give over! Do you mean to say you contact a woman online and ask/invite them over for sex! And they invite you over or come over without any public interaction!

That is a bit sad if thats how you go about pulling! Whatever about people meeting up, going for drinks and on the probable assumption they may end up sleeping with eachother. To call over to a strangers house for the sole reason to have sex is just socially strange.

blacklilly · 06-12-2016 06:36PM

The Talking Bread wrote: »

Oh, give over! Do you mean to say you contact a woman online and ask/invite them over for sex! And they invite you over or come over without any public interaction!

That is a bit sad if thats how you go about pulling! Whatever about people meeting up, going for drinks and on the probable assumption they may end up sleeping with eachother. To call over to a strangers house for the sole reason to have sex is just socially strange.

I totally agree but it happens more regularly than you'd think. Not my thing at all

The Talking Bread · 06-12-2016 06:43PM

blacklilly wrote: »

I totally agree but it happens more regularly than you'd think. Not my thing at all

I a well aware such happens. But the casual admission (claim) that he does it frequently doesn't seem to resonate with me as normal behaviour! I would prefer to meet someone and go on a date and then see where it goes as sleeping with a woman who would agree to engage in sex with a stranger online w/out meeting them is just f'in ridiculous. Its just free prostitution!

BabyE · 06-12-2016 06:52PM

Yeah we live in truly ****ed up times it must be said. In many ways the current dating game mirrors that of the political and social climate, you are either an insider(i.e a semi-attractive girl and above, or a stud who all girls are attracted to) or an outsider. The clamour of people in are gyms is a testament to this free market whereby the outsiders try in vain to become part of the elusive inside club.

The Talking Bread · 06-12-2016 06:58PM

BabyE wrote: »

Yeah we live in truly ****ed up times it must be said. In many ways the current dating game mirrors that of the political and social climate, you are either an insider(i.e a semi-attractive girl and above, or a stud who all girls are attracted to) or an outsider. The clamour of people in are gyms is a testament to this free market whereby the outsiders try in vain to become part of the elusive inside club.

wtf?!!

So you have a problem with people getting fit, healthy and body confident as a part means of making themselves more attractive to the opposite sex!

Your views seem rather backward!

BabyE · 06-12-2016 07:01PM

No completely took the words out of my, eh, post? The good looking guys were sexually desired by girls ever since the end of primary school. These same guys are chased and pursued by girls 20 years later. People try to make it out that going to the gym will turn your problems around. Its not that easy. Girls have a hidden sense, they can detect someones genes from a mile away.

BTW I absolutely do not begrudge the fact women are only going after the elite of men. It is only natural. It wouldn't be logical for them not to given the current playing field.

Surreptitious · 06-12-2016 07:05PM

BabyE wrote: »

No completely took the words out of my, eh, post? The good looking guys were sexually desired by girls ever since the end of primary school. These same guys are chased and pursued by girls 20 years later. People try to make it out that going to the gym will turn your problems around. Its not that easy. Girls have a hidden sense, they can detect someones genes from a mile away.

BTW I absolutely do not begrudge the fact women are only going after the elite of men. It is only natural. It wouldn't be logical for them not to given the current playing field.

Eh

BabyE · 06-12-2016 07:09PM

Surreptitious wrote: »

Eh

Yes it happens on a primal level, deep down, it's not like they are doing this actively, rather it is the results of millions of years of evolution. But c'mon tell me how it's 'all about personality', and 'confidence' and 'being interesting' while every good looking guy I know has girls on tap.

The Talking Bread · 06-12-2016 07:09PM

BabyE wrote: »

No completely took the words out of my, eh, post? The good looking guys were sexually desired by girls ever since the end of primary school. These same guys are chased and pursued by girls 20 years later. People try to make it out that going to the gym will turn your problems around. Its not that easy. Girls have a hidden sense, they can detect someones genes from a mile away.

BTW I absolutely do not begrudge the fact women are only going after the elite of men. It is only natural.

christ, you are talking wishy washy witchcraft now!! So you are saying that a bit of positivity in making yourself more attractive (women and men) by getting healthy, both aesthetically and mentally (confidence etc) is generally pointless!!

And the way you speak of "good looking" and "elite" as if it is some definitive rather term is odd!

06-12-2016 07:12PM

BabyE wrote: »

No completely took the words out of my, eh, post? The good looking guys were sexually desired by girls ever since the end of primary school. These same guys are chased and pursued by girls 20 years later. People try to make it out that going to the gym will turn your problems around. Its not that easy. Girls have a hidden sense, they can detect someones genes from a mile away.

BTW I absolutely do not begrudge the fact women are only going after the elite of men. It is only natural. It wouldn't be logical for them not to given the current playing field.

Try being shorter than 90% of men your age when you've never had any natural self confidence your whole life and see if you can follow the advice of others to "just be more confident" or "you can't change it so don't worry about it". One point people don't acknowledge is that depression that typically results from sexual frustration, self hatrid etc. itself acts to make it much harder to put on the act necessary to fool women into finding you attractive, or exert the mental and physical effort required to make yourself more attractive .. being depressed saps your motivation, diminishes your capacity to look forward to stuff, enjoy sex or compliments or anything supposed to be pleasurable .. makes your mind foggy and perspectives further distorted ... people accusing you of feeling sorry for yourself or being bitter does nothing but bounce harsh words off an already numbed brain.

The Talking Bread · 06-12-2016 07:12PM

BabyE wrote: »

Yes it happens on a primal level, deep down, it's not like they are doing this actively, rather it is the results of millions of years of evolution. But c'mon tell me how it's 'all about personality', and 'confidence' and 'being interesting' while every good looking guy I know has girls on tap.

noone suggested that at all. Just to try and understand your views, are you in the club or an outsider? And how would you define an outsider........

BabyE · 06-12-2016 07:17PM

Same man, exact ****ing same. Its ****ing disrespectful to people like yourself tbh, the old tired adage of ''just have confidence'', when you can see the world play out in front of you. We have billions of people of our species living in the most appalling conditions, anything that can happen, will happen, in life there is winners and losers, and if you measure our wins/gains in terms of girls/women, we are the losers. Our poverty is not financial, but we are deprived of not only one but 3 of Maslows Hierarchy of Needs.

The Talking Bread · 06-12-2016 07:19PM

BabyE wrote: »

Same man, exact ****ing same. Its ****ing disrespectful to people like yourself tbh, the old tired adage of ''just have confidence'', when you can see the world play out in front of you. We have billions of people of our species living in the most appalling conditions, anything that can happen, will happen, in life there is winners and losers, and if you measure our wins/gains in terms of girls/women, we are the losers. Our poverty is not financial, but self-fulfilment, i.e the lack of attention from girls.

What would you prefer to say to them? To give up, throw your confidence out the window, it ain't going to happen?

Triceratops Ballet · 06-12-2016 07:20PM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

In my experience of tinder, that's a big part of the problem: most guys I match with make little or no effort to converse. Regardless of who sends the opening message, I've a pain in my face with the amount of guys on there who don't seem to grasp the basic mechanics of conversation. They don't come across as bad guys, and it's not limited to the good-looking lads who don't feel the need to try, it's endemic almost across the board!

I send a guy a message containing a question, they reply with the answer and nothing more. Trying to get them to chat is like pulling teeth and those I've pointed this out to either reply with something inane like "lol", they get defensive or they stop replying/unmatch. If i stop replying, i might get another message the next day just saying "hey".. I don't get it!

I'm in my 30's matching with guys no younger than 30, how do these men not understand the basics of conversation?! And how do they hope to inspire someone to want to meet them if they wont engage in even a little bit of chat?

I'm sure ive passed over quite a number of very eligible guys on tinder because i found the attempts at conversation were so dull, I couldn't bring myself to suggest meeting. I don't want to get into a serial penpal thing with someone on tinder, I'm not looking for chats to pass the time all day but ffs I need to get a sense for someone if I'm going to meet them.

Oh wow this is so accurate, I haven't done it in a while, but this is my experience of online dating.
Guys who were capable of a witty back and forth I actually went on dates with.

But for the vast majority, it felt to me as if they thought they had to make less effort because they were online, like they would always reply to my messages, but not actually making conversation moreso making statements, and then when I would stop messaging them because I was busy messaging a guy who was actually engaging I'd get a nasty message about how much of a stuck up bitch I am?!!

06-12-2016 07:21PM

BabyE wrote: »

Same man, exact ****ing same. Its ****ing disrespectful to people like yourself tbh, the old tired adage of ''just have confidence'', when you can see the world play out in front of you. We have billions of people of our species living in the most appalling conditions, anything that can happen, will happen, in life there is winners and losers, and if you measure our wins/gains in terms of girls/women, we are the losers. Our poverty is not financial, but we are deprived of not only one, but 3 of Maslows Hierarchy of Needs.

I actually do get with girls now and then when I put my mind to it but i know I'm not considered attractive by most girls and I don't get much satisfaction compared to when I was a teenager after a 15 years of negative experience giving me permanently dulled subjective experience of pleasure

BabyE · 06-12-2016 07:22PM

Deleted User wrote: »

One point people don't acknowledge is that depression that typically results from sexual frustration, self hatrid etc. itself acts to make it much harder to put on the act necessary to fool women into finding you attractive, or exert the mental and physical effort required to make yourself more attractive .. being depressed saps your motivation, diminishes your capacity to look forward to stuff, enjoy sex or compliments or anything supposed to be pleasurable .. makes your mind foggy and perspectives further distorted ... people accusing you of feeling sorry for yourself or being bitter does nothing but bounce harsh words off an already numbed brain.

Somehow I've kept going gym for the last 6 years, non-stop even though about 3 years in I realised as a short guy with (I assume) a face that isn't attractive to girls even though I don't think I'm ugly(but not being ugly doesn't mean anything, its about being positively good looking), that it was a fruitless endeavour but I've continued going, wasn't it Einstein who said the definition of madness is doing something again and again and expecting a different result

How come Tinder is so difficult?

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