Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

Hugo Stiglitz · 21-06-2016 10:00PM

Turtle_ wrote: »

Thanks guys. Sorry to hear things are still difficult for you outside hospital, Lady. My only experience of St pats is as an outpatient but during that I thought they were excellent so I'm sure they'll do whatever is best for you.

Hugo I can't actually go back... It was sunny the day of my last appointment (was during the really good spell of weather) and I bounced into the place and ended up discharged back to my GP... Because life was great and everything was amazing and wonderful and I was so happy and positive. Ironically I'm abroad now in proper heat and sunshine and it doesn't seem to be doing much good! I had forgotten how time consuming it all is without meds...

Try to enjoy your time abroad, T.

You should talk to your GP again.

I find it shocking they just discharged you like that. Scary given that we can all fluctuate in our moods.

bridgettedon · 21-06-2016 10:18PM

Turtle_ wrote: »

Thanks guys. Sorry to hear things are still difficult for you outside hospital, Lady. My only experience of St pats is as an outpatient but during that I thought they were excellent so I'm sure they'll do whatever is best for you.

Hugo I can't actually go back... It was sunny the day of my last appointment (was during the really good spell of weather) and I bounced into the place and ended up discharged back to my GP... Because life was great and everything was amazing and wonderful and I was so happy and positive. Ironically I'm abroad now in proper heat and sunshine and it doesn't seem to be doing much good! I had forgotten how time consuming it all is without meds...

I would go back to your GP and see what they say. Maybe they can refer you back again. I went down in dosage in my meds a good few months ago and it didn't end up good either. However it wasn't the end of the world either although it seemed like it at the time. I was delighted when my dose was increased. Make a plan for when you come back on holidays for your next step. Enjoy your holiday as much as you're able to.

alaskayoung · 22-06-2016 06:32PM

Hey guys, long time no see!

Haven't posted here in months but found myself missing it recently so here I am! Wish I could say I've been absent due to a better frame of mind but not much has changed, well a lot has actually changed but unfortunately not necessarily for the better! :rolleyes:

Going through a pretty bad period of depression for the last few weeks, feeling very unwell and honestly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up. I was taken off all my medication during an inpatient stay after another attempt 2 months ago and I'm definitely paying the price for it now. Ended up going through some sort of hypomanic episode, quitting my job and generally going off the rails for about 2-3 weeks afterwards and then crashed down. So currently in the process of perhaps getting a bipolar diagnosis due to that and also for being diagnosed as psychotic during my last attempt. Ended up being taken into Garda Custody twice, honestly quite traumatic experiences. So trying to basically put my life back together at the moment after all of that!

Glad to see some of the old faces still around, well not exactly glad but you know what I mean

Hugo Stiglitz · 22-06-2016 06:36PM

alaskayoung wrote: »

Hey guys, long time no see!

Haven't posted here in months but found myself missing it recently so here I am! Wish I could say I've been absent due to a better frame of mind but not much has changed, well a lot has actually changed but unfortunately not necessarily for the better! :rolleyes:

Going through a pretty bad period of depression for the last few weeks, feeling very unwell and honestly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up. I was taken off all my medication during an inpatient stay after another attempt 2 months ago and I'm definitely paying the price for it now. Ended up going through some sort of hypomanic episode, quitting my job and generally going off the rails for about 2-3 weeks afterwards and then crashed down. So currently in the process of perhaps getting a bipolar diagnosis due to that and also for being diagnosed as psychotic during my last attempt. Ended up being taken into Garda Custody twice, honestly quite traumatic experiences. So trying to basically put my life back together at the moment after all of that!

Glad to see some of the old faces still around, well not exactly glad but you know what I mean

That sounds rough, Alaska.

I am happy to see that you still have the fire within you to want to put your life back together.

Gremlinertia · 23-06-2016 12:57PM

Heyo Alaska, glad you are posting at least. Being taken into custody is awful alright. Confusing and scary.

Turtle_ · 23-06-2016 02:13PM

alaskayoung wrote: »

Hey guys, long time no see!

Haven't posted here in months but found myself missing it recently so here I am! Wish I could say I've been absent due to a better frame of mind but not much has changed, well a lot has actually changed but unfortunately not necessarily for the better! :rolleyes:

Going through a pretty bad period of depression for the last few weeks, feeling very unwell and honestly not too sure how much longer I can keep this up. I was taken off all my medication during an inpatient stay after another attempt 2 months ago and I'm definitely paying the price for it now. Ended up going through some sort of hypomanic episode, quitting my job and generally going off the rails for about 2-3 weeks afterwards and then crashed down. So currently in the process of perhaps getting a bipolar diagnosis due to that and also for being diagnosed as psychotic during my last attempt. Ended up being taken into Garda Custody twice, honestly quite traumatic experiences. So trying to basically put my life back together at the moment after all of that!

Glad to see some of the old faces still around, well not exactly glad but you know what I mean

Hey alaskayoung,good to hear from you... Even if it's not all good news. Glad you are still keeping up the fight to beat this sh1t.

If you ever want to talk you know where I am x

Notsomindful · 25-06-2016 12:23PM

Hope everyone is ok.
Went to gp thursday- she is writing to see if I get an appointment sooner with psychiatrist.

I am coming off new meds and she increased another med whilst that happens. New meds heightened everything.

Feeling fairly dodgy in my head.

On top of it, got the tummy bug from my sons . so feeling headachey and yucky.

Gremlinertia · 25-06-2016 12:45PM

Yuck, the world seems out to get us sometimes Notso, hope you can switch off now and again over the weekend to give yourself even a quick mental break.

Notsomindful · 25-06-2016 01:07PM

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Yuck, the world seems out to get us sometimes Notso, hope you can switch off now and again over the weekend to give yourself even a quick mental break.

Thanks grem

Gremlinertia · 25-06-2016 02:09PM

Any time, I'll be about a good bit if you want to post more.. Tough kinda week here too, well just in my head mainly.. Still figuring out that i can't run away from myself

Hugo Stiglitz · 25-06-2016 02:16PM

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Any time, I'll be about a good bit if you want to post more.. Tough kinda week here too, well just in my head mainly.. Still figuring out that i can't run away from myself

It's tough to run but it's also tough to stay.

Notsomindful · 26-06-2016 10:52AM

I get the urge to diseappear a lot. I honestly don't like who I have become. Its a constant fight to try and pretend to fit in.
I still want to diseappear, almost not exist but how do you accept your life as it is and live,rather than just exist.

alaskayoung · 26-06-2016 10:54AM

I've been struggling with an eating disorder on and off for the past 5 years, periods of anorexia, periods of bulimia, periods of binge eating, honestly it's put me through hell. A couple months ago, after years of being stuck in some sort of disordered eating behaviour I finally felt that although I wasn't quite where I wanted to be in terms of my weight, I was finally able to see myself as I actually was and view food simply as food, not something to control or dictate my emotions and it was so liberating. I honestly never believed that would be possible for me, I grew up from the age of 15 with an eating disorder so I honestly had no memory of what a "normal" relationship with food consisted of and it felt GOOD.
Anyway, since I was discharged from hospital 2 months ago, I've gone so far backwards in such a short period of time, I'm genuinely scared for myself right now. I'm killing myself and I don't know how to stop. I can't get it out of my head, it's starting to completely take over my life again and I just don't know what to do anymore. I know the purpose it's serving me at this time, I understand the psychology behind it, I know every single reason in the world why what I'm doing is both damaging and unhelpful yet despite all this knowledge I can't stop. It's got a way of lying to you, manipulating you, twisting logic and offering empty promises. Although it sounds strange, I don't even feel entitled to be struggling with this right now because as opposed to the past when I was confused and naive, I know exactly what I'm doing and I feel like I should've learnt my lesson the first time. In a way if I'm honest it's almost become a more passive way of killing myself. I can't face putting the people who care about me through anything more right now so I'm just sort of slowly hoping that this kills me one way or another. I guess I'm just at a loss as to where to go from here, it feels pointless talking about it, even my psychologist I feel doesn't really know what to say to me because like I said I already fully understand the reasons behind my behaviour, I'm just continuing to give into it anyway. She told me that unfortunately, perhaps I'm going to need to become very ill, end up in hospital getting tube fed before I decide myself to change what I'm doing but even at that, nothing scares me anymore. I wish I never set foot in that hospital, I know they felt it was necessary at the time but I think being in and out of that place so much over the past year and a half has caused me a lot of long term damage. It's normalised so many things for me that should never be considered normal and put options in my head that should never be considered options. I feel stuck, I feel like I'm putting off making a choice yet everyday I don't choose I'm in a way making a decision by default.

Notsomindful · 26-06-2016 11:43AM

alaskayoung wrote: »

I've been struggling with an eating disorder on and off for the past 5 years, periods of anorexia, periods of bulimia, periods of binge eating, honestly it's put me through hell. A couple months ago, after years of being stuck in some sort of disordered eating behaviour I finally felt that although I wasn't quite where I wanted to be in terms of my weight, I was finally able to see myself as I actually was and view food simply as food, not something to control or dictate my emotions and it was so liberating. I honestly never believed that would be possible for me, I grew up from the age of 15 with an eating disorder so I honestly had no memory of what a "normal" relationship with food consisted of and it felt GOOD.
Anyway, since I was discharged from hospital 2 months ago, I've gone so far backwards in such a short period of time, I'm genuinely scared for myself right now. I'm killing myself and I don't know how to stop. I can't get it out of my head, it's starting to completely take over my life again and I just don't know what to do anymore. I know the purpose it's serving me at this time, I understand the psychology behind it, I know every single reason in the world why what I'm doing is both damaging and unhelpful yet despite all this knowledge I can't stop. It's got a way of lying to you, manipulating you, twisting logic and offering empty promises. Although it sounds strange, I don't even feel entitled to be struggling with this right now because as opposed to the past when I was confused and naive, I know exactly what I'm doing and I feel like I should've learnt my lesson the first time. In a way if I'm honest it's almost become a more passive way of killing myself. I can't face putting the people who care about me through anything more right now so I'm just sort of slowly hoping that this kills me one way or another. I guess I'm just at a loss as to where to go from here, it feels pointless talking about it, even my psychologist I feel doesn't really know what to say to me because like I said I already fully understand the reasons behind my behaviour, I'm just continuing to give into it anyway. She told me that unfortunately, perhaps I'm going to need to become very ill, end up in hospital getting tube fed before I decide myself to change what I'm doing but even at that, nothing scares me anymore. I wish I never set foot in that hospital, I know they felt it was necessary at the time but I think being in and out of that place so much over the past year and a half has caused me a lot of long term damage. It's normalised so many things for me that should never be considered normal and put options in my head that should never be considered options. I feel stuck, I feel like I'm putting off making a choice yet everyday I don't choose I'm in a way making a decision by default.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way Alaska.
I dont know what to say to you, but just wanted to let you know I hear and validate your feelings.
I dont want to say anything like this will pass as i know how patronising it can sound.

Vent away here. Your struggles are our struggles.
I can relate to the fact that you are making default choices and feel that yet you have no control over it.

Virtual hugs Alaska.

Notsomindful · 26-06-2016 11:48AM

I need your advice peeps.

I took on role of facilitator in a peer led support group lately. It was February, I was quite well at time.
Now , I am struggling with a lot of my own issues yet again, and feel I cannot handle this role anymore. My gp has recommended I take 2 weeks off whilst meds change is happening. But I feel I cannot handle taking on others problems and being in a role of responsibility.

Note: my psychiatrist and counselor dont think it is helping me right now being in this role.
My gut is saying to resign.
My fear is that i will regret resigning....

Any advice?

Shint0 · 26-06-2016 01:01PM

Notsomindful, I have witnessed this type of situation years ago that you describe and I felt it really had an impact on the dynamic of the group. It's actually why I distanced myself from the group as it really wasn't being faciltated properly.

If you really feel you are not up to it and your gut is telling you to step aside temporarily perhaps that's what you ought to do. It's a very responsible position and good moderation/facilitation is vital. I'm not trying to sound harsh but like I say I have witnessed it.

Notsomindful · 26-06-2016 05:33PM

Shint0 wrote: »

Notsomindful, I have witnessed this type of situation years ago that you describe and I felt it really had an impact on the dynamic of the group. It's actually why I distanced myself from the group as it really wasn't being faciltated properly.

If you really feel you are not up to it and your gut is telling you to step aside temporarily perhaps that's what you ought to do. It's a very responsible position and good moderation/facilitation is vital. I'm not trying to sound harsh but like I say I have witnessed it.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel I owe it to both myself and grouo to step aside. I can play part of being a facilitator abut carry all stress from meeting for few days after. I feel however I am letting them down by doing this.
It is not as if the issues are major in group it is just too much right now.

Shint0 · 26-06-2016 06:15PM

To be honest, Notsomindful, that whole experience really put me off the whole concept of peer support for people suffering with depression and mental health issues. It was co-facilitated and I knew that one of the facilitators was really struggling themselves at the time.

Socialising outside the group was discouraged by the main organisation but the facilitators either didn't pick up on it or were lax in trying to discourage it. What can you do really if people are adults (or young adults in that case) can you really try to stop people from socialising together.

A lot of people in the group had a lot of heavy issues some quite different to mine and it was so easy to get drawn into it and people would latch onto others for support with a lot of very negative consequences. There was almost a 'crabs and tall poppies' syndrome - if some people started to make strides the others would try to bring them back down so after about a year of that I decided it really wasn't working for me and I wasn't getting much from the group meetings anyway. It was actually making my health worse. That's many years ago. Perhaps things are different now.

What I like about this thread is that people can drop in at any time and off load without getting drawn into other people's issues. Gremlinertia is very good even though I know he/she? struggles with their own difficulties but there's always a kind word and encouragement from somebody if people are having an off-moment or going through a difficult time. So it has made me realise peer-support can work without getting too heavily invested.

alaskayoung · 26-06-2016 06:21PM

Notsomindful wrote: »

I am so sorry you are feeling this way Alaska.
I dont know what to say to you, but just wanted to let you know I hear and validate your feelings.
I dont want to say anything like this will pass as i know how patronising it can sound.

Vent away here. Your struggles are our struggles.
I can relate to the fact that you are making default choices and feel that yet you have no control over it.

Virtual hugs Alaska.

Thank you Notsomindful, you're very kind, that means a lot x

Gremlinertia · 26-06-2016 06:58PM

Heyo Alaska i hope you manage to get through the current tidal wave of thoughts and feelings.. Knowing the science behind things can be worse at times. I have a good insight myself due to courses I've taken in relation to work and it can exacerbate my feelings at times. Don't know if it's the same for you but i know i can feel the impact of various day's interpretations of things.. Keep posting, we're all still here as a virtual hug for each other.

norwegianwood · 26-06-2016 07:51PM

Starting my first professional job tomorrow and the social anxiety is already starting to kick in, I was so happy about getting the job that it's only starting to dawn on me now how tough this will be, I'll have responsibility and have to give off some impression of being confident, I don't know how I'll manage that and I feel like I'll make a complete mess of it.

Wilberto · 26-06-2016 08:14PM

norwegianwood wrote: »

Starting my first professional job tomorrow and the social anxiety is already starting to kick in, I was so happy about getting the job that it's only starting to dawn on me now how tough this will be, I'll have responsibility and have to give off some impression of being confident, I don't know how I'll manage that and I feel like I'll make a complete mess of it.

To be honest, if it's like any other job, you probably won't be expected to do much for the first week or so, apart from to just get up to speed with the basics. Any person starting a new job will have to be trained in and that takes time. Chances are you're not going to be thrown into the lions' pit on day one.

Turtle_ · 26-06-2016 09:39PM

Notsomindful wrote: »

Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel I owe it to both myself and grouo to step aside. I can play part of being a facilitator abut carry all stress from meeting for few days after. I feel however I am letting them down by doing this.
It is not as if the issues are major in group it is just too much right now.

Notsomindful, I really don't think you'll be letting the group down. If anything it's demonstrating good management of your health - things are getting tough and so you're being aware of that and taking steps to manage the difficulties in your life.

norwegianwood wrote: »

Starting my first professional job tomorrow and the social anxiety is already starting to kick in, I was so happy about getting the job that it's only starting to dawn on me now how tough this will be, I'll have responsibility and have to give off some impression of being confident, I don't know how I'll manage that and I feel like I'll make a complete mess of it.

I'm leaving where I work in a few months so we hired a new guy to replace me and he started a little while back. It's his first time in a professional role. We've allowed for 5-6 months to get him trained in and up to normal productivity. During that time I'll still be there, so there's no overall loss in productivity and any well run business will do that.

What we give him to do is stuff that isn't hugely urgent, and we're all very open to him asking questions about how stuff is done - even if it's for the umpteenth time. The reason we're allowing for all this is because we've all been that soldier - new in a job, new in the career, not used to the way things work in this particular office. It takes time to get used to a job and the people you'll be working with will be well aware of that. They've been where you are and they're not expecting miracles. If someone loses you in an explanation just stop them immediately at the point they lose you. They won't be annoyed!

What I (and just about every decent professional I know) do is I have a little notebook with things in the office that are handy to have written down. At the back (only needs one or two pages) I have simple stuff like how to print, how to log jobs, what to say on the phone, where stuff is stored. Then the front I use for specific jobs I'm working on - if I have a conversation about X, I make a small note of the date and time and write something like "Spoke to John about X, decision not yet made". If I'm talking with my boss about how to approach something, I might sketch it and he might add stuff to the sketch. Jotting stuff down makes life soooo much easier because you don't have to rely on yourself to remember it.

In terms of dealing with clients, it's okay not to know the answer. Years into my career, I still don't always know the answer with clients. Two weeks ago I said to one "Look, I'm really not certain how to handle this and I want to talk to [my boss] before I do anything on this to make sure we're on the right track". People have NO problem hearing that, or it's cousin "Okay, I'll have a look at that for you at X time and get back to you once I think about it properly/discuss it/whatever".

You've been hired because your new employer reckons that at some point you'll be able to do the job. They don't expect that point to be day 1. Even with experienced hires, there's still a bedding in period where people get used to company procedures and even silly ****e like where the pens are when theirs runs out.

You'll be okay, let us know how you find it.

Whizzzy · 27-06-2016 12:02PM

I'm 56.

I've had epilepsy for 30 years, approximately. I got it after a severe dose of shingles on my head.

I've been on Epilim for it for about 20 years.

It used to be the case that, when I was on 200mg/day (one tablet in the morning), I would have the occasional grand mal, feel groggy for a little bit, and then get on with it.

My neurologist raised my dosage to 2 x 500mg about 8 years ago.

I now experience, about every two months (6-8 times a year) a kind of BP ll / Hypo-mania type build up where I'm feeling/thinking, "This is great. Nothing has happened for about two months. I must be doing something right.".

Then BANG! It usually starts with a slight absence, followed by a headache or migraine. Sometimes, as on this occasion, it can all be preceded by an aura. When I was still drinking a bit, things were far worse. Epilim and alcohol are absolute no-no's.

Two psychiatrists have told me I'm not BP. For where I'm sitting, it sure looks that way every 8 weeks.

But, I've also read that the side effects of Epilim can be bad, and that depression can be one of them. The thing is, in my case, I can be a bit manic (slightly) before it all goes downhill. End to end, it usually last about 4-6 days.

I definitely have a glass half-empty personality. That is a big part of my problem. I also have zero self-esteem and find social situations very difficult.

But, while in the past I would suffer the consequences of my epilepsy, I didn't experience these bouts of depression.

I've seen a therapist on and off. But, I think I need to speak to people who experience the same chemical storms that I do.

Are there moderated discussion groups that meet where people can discuss their recent experiences? (I'm South Dublin)

Thanks for any feedback.

D.

Ps. I can always say that something triggered the event. Last week, for about five days leading up to the migraine, my gut wasn't right. I have found that if anything in my gut affects the absorption of the Epilim, it only leads to trouble.

Shint0 · 27-06-2016 01:53PM

Epilim is also used off-label as a mood stabiliser generally where other first-line treatment approaches haven't worked such as lithium and sometimes in combination. Did the psychiatrists suggest any other form of treatment for your mood?

Whizzzy · 27-06-2016 02:18PM

Shint0 wrote: »

Epilim is also used off-label as a mood stabiliser generally where other first-line treatment approaches haven't worked such as lithium and sometimes in combination. Did the psychiatrists suggest any other form of treatment for your mood?

Shint0,

Thanks for the reply.

No, that hasn't been discussed.

The way I see it is this;

1. My weakness is my gut. My GP has said this to me on more than one occasion.

2. My system is addicted to 1000mg of Epilim a day.

3. If there is a sudden withdrawl of this through infection, alcohol, or whatever, I go haywire.

What no one seems to be able to tell me is if sudden withdrawl of Epilim can lead to BPll or Hypomanic type symptoms.

There was a time when having a grand mal was frustrating/embarrassing/annoying, or any combination of these. And I would get down on myself for this.

BUT, a grand mal is immensely cathartic. You literally defragment the hard drive, if I may borrow a computer term.

But, this "trying to keep a lid on it" approach is costing me about 20-30 days a year.

I recently heard a young girl on the radio who was about to start the Leaving Cert. She had severe epilepsy and could have up to 20 attacks a day. She had always had it, but had learned to live with it. She was admirable.

This tidal wave of depression I get after my absence/headache/migraine (in any combo) is what I can't handle anymore.

Epilepsy is physical flaw in the brain that can be a pain in the butt. But, as this young girl was demonstrating, it isn't a head-in-the-oven condition.

What my Epilim cold-turkey phases (if that is what they are) do to me on the other hand, are something of a different order entirely.

Though, as I implied above, my personality probably doesn't help how I deal with it either.

Thanks again.

D.

Shint0 · 27-06-2016 02:41PM

That's actually something I have posted on here before, Whizzy, that there probably isn't enough understanding about the interaction of neurological conditions and mental health issues. Perhaps you could do a little research yourself and if you discover any link bring it to the attention of your doctor. They don't always have the anwers and sometimes aren't aware of how certain conditions overlap. As you say you seem to have detected a pattern and that's significant.

I do have some idea what you refer to in terms of the release once the seizure passes although I don't have the condition myself but I have indeed heard of this phenomenon.

Whizzzy · 27-06-2016 03:30PM

Shint0,

Thanks again.

Yes, there is a great release experienced after a grand mal. Aside from some tongue biting, it's pretty much a relief.

I think I'm probably due another visit to my neurologist to discuss side-effects of Epilim with him and whether withdrawl/reduction of the dosage (through illness, or whatever) can mimic the symptoms of BP or Hypomania. My instinct is yes, else I would have been diagnosed BP a long time ago.

D.

Shint0 · 27-06-2016 03:46PM

Well definitely pursue that angle further. It's terrible to have to suffer like that on an ongoing basis.

There's actually a song about that whole post-seizure phenomenon called Epilepsy is Dancing by Antony and the Johnsons. The video is a bit risqué so probably not so safe for work on YouTube but if you listen to it on Spotify it's really a very beautiful and touching song. The singer has epilepsy himself and describes the ecstasy once the seizure passes but he equally applies it to any type of disordered state of mind and the enhanced pleasure once some type of equilibrium is restored. Bit rambling here now, I know.

Notsomindful · 27-06-2016 09:14PM

Has anyone ever sought a second opinion on their diagnosis? I would like to get assessed again by some one who doesn't know me or my story...and see what diagnosis they give. I feel my diagnosis was given as i dont fit into any neat boxes.

Is it a psychologist i'd have to go to

Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

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