Ever broken-up with partner using a convenient excuse?

o1s1n · 13-06-2016 08:57AM

"I'm married to the sea,"

Your Face · 13-06-2016 08:58AM

No, I'm not a coward.

13-06-2016 06:57PM

Deleted User wrote: »

You can be honest without being offensive. There are things you can say, and things you don't have to say. Lying is unnecessary, a sign of weak character.

I d believe the lines are far more blurred than this simplistic epistle might suggest.

On the one hand, you claim you can be honest without being offensive. True.

But then, you add the mysterious proviso, "there are things you don't have to say"... in other words, you're suggesting it is honest to advance some criticisms, and downplay others, which is a relative exaggeration of the stated reasons for the break-up; in short, a mistruth... a lie.

I do not subscribe to the idea that unwavering honesty is necessary in all situations, especially if the other person is of a very excitable character, or has a level of intelligence which would cause them an unnecessary or exaggerated sense of personal anguish.

In this case, I simply neglected to mention the hurtful reasons for the breakup, and instead advanced a relatively minor reason. I didn't lie, exactly, I simply omitted to give the real reasons.

This is closer to what you're suggesting is ethical than you might care to admit.

Keane2baMused · 13-06-2016 07:20PM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I do not subscribe to the idea that unwavering honesty is necessary in all situations, especially if the other person is of a very excitable character, or has a level of intelligence which would cause them an unnecessary or exaggerated sense of personal anguish.

Wow, just wow.

OP you have actually done a huge favour for this girl. Kudos.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 13-06-2016 07:23PM

All you have to say is "I want to break up, I don't feel the same any more, I'm not happy. I'm sorry, but I've thought it over and I'm not changing my mind" and then be a grown up and don't get drawn into a big dissection. Leave and do the whole blocked on social media, phone etc thing. It'll be hard, but she will get over it. And in twenty years you probably won't pop into her head occasionally as "what the fcuk happened there and what was the real reason he left, because OBVIOUSLY he didn't leave because of an argument over a car".

No kindness to her at all, her head must be in bits right now. Very kind to yourself though, though I'm not sure how it's easier to fake your way through a hissy fit than sit down and talk for twenty minutes.

You're weird!

ToddyDoody · 13-06-2016 07:55PM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I realize this makes me seem like a histrionic dickhead, which would be true if it were the reason for ending things. But isn't this a kinder way of ending a relationship than blunt honesty... e.g. you're getting fat, zapping all my energy, and you're just no fun anymore.

Ever consider printing a few of these type of articles out with 'the end is nigh' written as a banner and passing them on?

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/7-things-men-want-in-a-relationship-jgc/

Who needs blunt messages when you have Google.

JustAThought · 14-06-2016 12:09AM

Gosh - the truth hurts - thats why you sometimes don't use it. For a few months of a relationship you don't want to damage someone by saying you've discovered they have the meanness of a snake but hid it so well you're only seeing their true selves now & cannot bear to be in a room with them watching them scab rounds & refuse to ever find their purse or pay their way. Or that have the mind & morals of a sewer rat but hid it so well you're only just noticing. Or that you do have a difficulty with that wierd thing they always insist on doing that is so personally disturbing & revolting. Or that they look so astonishingly different in their sweats & ehem 'natural ' state that you cannot reconcile that they are even the same person.

So yes - I'm with the OP. Simetimes its kinder to say its just not working /you stole my car I can never trust you again / you're very nice I'm just in love with my ex & cut your losses.

kumate_champ07 · 14-06-2016 12:20AM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I broke-up with the OH today. We've only been dating for six months, so it wasn't an LTR or anything, but things have been strained between us for a while.

it wasnt a long term relationship buy she was part of you/your other half? are you incomplete now?

14-06-2016 06:30PM

JustAThought wrote: »

Gosh - the truth hurts - thats why you sometimes don't use it. For a few months of a relationship you don't want to damage someone by saying you've discovered they have the meanness of a snake but hid it so well you're only seeing their true selves now & cannot bear to be in a room with them watching them scab rounds & refuse to ever find their purse or pay their way. Or that have the mind & morals of a sewer rat but hid it so well you're only just noticing. Or that you do have a difficulty with that wierd thing they always insist on doing that is so personally disturbing & revolting. Or that they look so astonishingly different in their sweats & ehem 'natural ' state that you cannot reconcile that they are even the same person.

Totally agree.

Obviously if it were a longer-term relationship, or a marriage, there needs to be a fuller and more honest discussion.

But sometimes people turn-out to have personalities and traits that are simply undesirable, or not what you expected. Rather than character-assasinate someone and hurt their feelings, it's sometimes best to just make an excuse and leave, and put it down to experience.

kumate_champ07 wrote: »

it wasnt a long term relationship buy she was part of you/your other half? are you incomplete now?

It's simply a figure of speech.

14-06-2016 07:24PM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Totally agree.

Obviously if it were a longer-term relationship, or a marriage, there needs to be a fuller and more honest discussion.

But sometimes people turn-out to have personalities and traits that are simply undesirable, or not what you expected. Rather than character-assasinate someone and hurt their feelings, it's sometimes best to just make an excuse and leave, and put it down to experience.

It's simply a figure of speech.

Except you don't need to character assasinate someone, nor do you need to come up with a mad excuse about being angry your car was taken without your permission and orchestrating a row between you both.

How about this;
You "I think we need to talk"
Her "Oh. Is something wrong"?
You "Well yeah. Something is wrong. Look you are a great girl but my feelings have changed. We need to break up".
Her *tears, hysterics, lots of questions, blaa blaa blaa blaa*
You "Look I don't have the answers for you. It's something I've been mulling over in my head and I really feel like it's the best thing. This isn't anything you've done or haven't done. I've just fallen out of love with you".

That's it. You say what you want to say in as kind and direct a manner as you can without getting dragged in to her emotions. It takes maturity to be able to sit down with a person and tell them that you are ending the relationship.

Any other way is the actions of a coward.

wakka12 · 14-06-2016 07:37PM

Penny Tration wrote: »

That's actually a really sh!tty way to treat someone. Nasty, man.

Just be honest. You can be honest without being a dick - "Look, I just don't feel the same anymore." you don't have to say WHY you don't feel the same, just reiterate that you don't think it's gonna work and your feelings have changed.

Engineering a fight to dump her has probably hurt her more than just telling her you're not feeling it would.

You have no idea what would hurt her more. Im sure a lot of people would be more comforted knowing their relationship ended because of a fight rather than something wrong with themselves such as appearance or personality traits.

14-06-2016 07:39PM

wakka12 wrote: »

You have no idea what would hurt her more. Im sure a lot of people would be more comforted knowing their relationship ended because of a fight rather than something wrong with themselves such as appearance or personality traits.

Giving appearance and personality traits as reasons isn't the best way either.

Jaysus what happened to a bit of tact and kindness. Are some people really incapable of offering those?

wakka12 · 14-06-2016 07:42PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Giving appearance and personality traits as reasons isn't the best way either.

Jaysus what happened to a bit of tact and kindness. Are some people really incapable of offering those?

Yeh I agree, but some people were saying its kinder to say truthfully why you don't like them anymore rather than making excuses.

Keane2baMused · 14-06-2016 07:42PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Giving appearance and personality traits as reasons isn't the best way either.

Jaysus what happened to a bit of tact and kindness. Are some people really incapable of offering those?

Let's not forget, OP has 'saved' this girl the torment of wondering why.

It amazes me what some people will convince themselves.

WoolyJumper · 14-06-2016 07:47PM

arayess wrote: »

I am with the OP here.
posters jumping on the OP dont seem to be living in the real world.
anytime I have gone down the polite kind way I have had to suffer tears , wailing and demands for closure with a 100 questions.
So I try to be nice and be adult but I end up pissed off.
fcuk off. start row and run.

Giving closure is the nice thing to do, especially if you cared at all about them. As tedious and frustrating it is to go through all the questions and tears (i've been there) leaving a person knowing they never have a chance of getting back together can make the whole getting over it process easier. Leaving after a row is going to leave the person completely confused, probably go to every bad place they can think of and worst of all leave them with hope that ye might get back together. Which just makes the moving on process much longer/harder.

14-06-2016 07:49PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Giving appearance and personality traits as reasons isn't the best way either.

So... don't give the real reasons?

Give vague answers that leaves the other person wondering what really happened?

Right now, my ex thinks I'm a bollox who flipped out over a car, and I guarantee you is not self-obsessing (which would have been the case if I raised personal criticisms... I know because we dated and self-confidence is part of the problem).

As I type, a herd of my ex's tedious friends is probably congregating over a gallon of Blossom Hill, like frisky heifers at the salt-lick, talking about what a bollox I am and how it's better this way.

I'm happy to take that bullet for a quiet life. I don't believe in this slavish devotion of being honest about how disappointed you are with a person's personality, once you get to know them.

Again, this wasn't a long-term relationship.

WoolyJumper wrote: »

Leaving after a row is going to leave the person completely confused, probably go to every bad place they can think of and worst of all leave them with hope that ye might get back together. Which just makes the moving on process much longer/harder.

That's a good point in fairness, one I hadn't actually considered.

14-06-2016 07:53PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Yeh I agree, but some people were saying its kinder to say truthfully why you don't like them anymore rather than making excuses.

I don't think it's kind to say things like "you have enough baggage to fill the carousel in Dublin airport twenty times over and you wreck my head" or "I'm no longer attracted to you because you've put on weight. I don't want to have sex with you".

That's cruel and unnecessary. So is orchestrating a row over a non existent issue. Break ups can be handled without picking every flaw of the other person's and without big dramatic exists. There is simply no need for it.

14-06-2016 07:55PM

Deleted User wrote: »

That's cruel and unnecessary. So is orchestrating a row over a non existent issue. Break ups can be handled without picking every flaw of the other person's and without big dramatic exists. There is simply no need for it.

I think you're painting a picture of some perfect break-up which is contrary to the protracted, uncomfortable, and eventually caustic experience that most people would be familiar with, regardless how well-intentioned "the chat" begins.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but they just never end well.

14-06-2016 08:04PM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I think you're painting a picture of some perfect break-up which is contrary to the protracted, uncomfortable, and eventually caustic experience that most people would be familiar with, regardless how well-intentioned "the chat" begins.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but they just never end well.

Oh listen I've been the girl in hysterics and I've been the one on the other side causing them.

Break ups are horrible. The example I gave may have been a little perfect. I was I guess trying to show a different way. One that doesn't require your actions but nor does it require outright honesty which may cause further hurt.

You start off with the hope of having a good intentioned talk. Where it goes is dependent upon both of you, in particular the breaker upper (new word!). I think maybe you were scared of the girl questioning you too much about your reasons and not being able to handle her hurt.

Hurt is inevitable but it can be lessened in your approach.

Speedwell · 14-06-2016 08:07PM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I think you're painting a picture of some perfect break-up which is contrary to the protracted, uncomfortable, and eventually caustic experience that most people would be familiar with, regardless how well-intentioned "the chat" begins.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but they just never end well.

You're doing it wrong. If it's the right thing for one of you, then it's the right thing for both of you. You should always compassionately and intelligently point out a benefit for the other person. "I can't be with someone who needs to explore their sexuality with other people, and it's not fair to you to be tied down to a single person who insists you be exclusive", for example. Or, "I can see you're very depressed and nonfunctional, and I have done everything I can for you and it's not working. Clearly being with me is not helping you be the kind of person you want to be, and you deserve a chance to be that person." Or even, "I'm just not attracted to you anymore and I have no motivation to recover that attraction, and I'm not going to put you through the hell of doing everything you can think of to make me want you again". Don't say, for example, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, but I have this friend who's really into you"; that's not a benefit, that's just crass.

Edit: If you are in a situation in which you and/or your kids are being abused by your partner, then get the hell gone and don't even talk about it. There is no point empathising with an abuser and trying to point out a benefit for them. They will only take advantage of your attempt to be nice. The rules are different.

WoolyJumper · 14-06-2016 08:14PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't think it's kind to say things like "you have enough baggage to fill the carousel in Dublin airport twenty times over and you wreck my head" or "I'm no longer attracted to you because you've put on weight. I don't want to have sex with you".

That's cruel and unnecessary. So is orchestrating a row over a non existent issue. Break ups can be handled without picking every flaw of the other person's and without big dramatic exists. There is simply no need for it.

True and every situation/person is different. I think there is always a nice, "round about" way of saying something.

Baggage = we're fighting all the time, we're distant, not getting along, we're both miserable. However the baggage has affected the relationship is always a go to.

You've gotten fat = umm We've grown apart....literally? No seriously probably should ever bring appearance into it :pac:

14-06-2016 08:17PM

WoolyJumper wrote: »

True and every situation/person is different. I think there is always a nice, "round about" way of saying something.

Baggage = we're fighting all the time, we're distant, not getting along, we're both miserable. However the baggage has affected the relationship is always a go to.

You've gotten fat = umm We've grown apart....literally? No seriously probably should ever bring appearance into it :pac:

You'd want to be fairly heartless to mention appearance. Perhaps that's one for the sociopath thread

WoolyJumper · 14-06-2016 08:23PM

Deleted User wrote: »

You'd want to be fairly heartless to mention appearance. Perhaps that's one for the sociopath thread

True lol, though me and my ex both put on weight during our relationship so we used to joke we literally grew apart, i guess it makes it okay when it was both of you :pac:

Galway K9 · 14-06-2016 08:27PM

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy wrote: »

When I'd decided to end it, I said there'd be no amateur dramatics, I'd sit her down and say it to her face and be a man about it. And I did. I asked her "guess which one of my ex's sounds like an owl?"

She replied "who?"

I just nodded at her, picked up my suitcase and walked out of the apartment.

lmao

RayM · 14-06-2016 09:06PM

I know it's an awful cliche, but is there anything to be said for a good old-fashioned "it's not you, it's me"? Quite often more of a half-truth than an actual lie, and so much kinder than telling someone that you simply don't want to be with them any more.

B.A._Baracus · 14-06-2016 09:27PM

It's wrong what you did man.
But honestly?... I've seen so many people do similar.
I've seen people only break up when someone else comes on the scene, to blowing arguments out of nothing (like you) to even someone cheating and cheating only to dump the other without explanation or truth.

So when people say 'do the right thing and be honest' - it's sadly bollocks. Because I've seen the exact opposite a lot.

Guess I'm saying talk versus reality.

Junkyard Tom · 14-06-2016 09:27PM

MY TIME ON YOUR PLANET HAS COME TO AN END. MY CRAFT AND PEOPLE AWAIT ME. FAREWELL EARTHLING WOMAN.

Two Tone · 14-06-2016 09:37PM

Junkyard Tom wrote: »

MY TIME ON YOUR PLANET HAS COME TO AN END. MY CRAFT AND PEOPLE AWAIT ME. FAREWELL EARTHLING WOMAN.

I HAVE TO GO NOW. MY PLANET NEEDS ME.

(Note: They died on the way back to their home planet)

Pablodreamsofnew · 14-06-2016 10:02PM

The only thing I was thinking while reading the OP post was why would you have stuff and your car at her house after only six months?

She prob thinks you had some sort of breakdown

:D

anewme · 14-06-2016 10:22PM

Starting a fight and breaking up over it would have the opposite effect you are looking for as the person would think, ah it's only a row, it'll blow over and then harbour thoughts of getting back together once the row settles. So it's really dragging it out.

Friends and relationships come and go, at the end the only person you are answerable to is yourself. The older you get, the more you realise by being an ass*** to someone you are only letting yourself down. If this woman looks back in 20 years time and the worst that has happened is having a lucky escape from a gutless wonder then she will be doing well. The point is, just be straight about it. In the overall context of stuff, it's not that important to lie about. Sorry it's not working for me. What's wrong with saying that. Then there can be no ambiguity or needless drama. Let's all move on.

life is hard enough, if there's one lesson I've learned down the years, everyone is fighting their own battles. No need for asshholery. Be kind.

Ever broken-up with partner using a convenient excuse?

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